Doing life at least for a spell... maybe under a spell
 

I think I might be running a little high, like hypomania range, nothing more.


It's nice to have so much energy... to feel inspired. I don't even really care if anything comes of it. I have a gazilllion hopes, but... I know how that goes usually. Still, just the now is a breath of fresh air.

It's a little unfocused and confusing at times. I feel giddy sometimes. I am like a whirlwind ... gusty and aimless.

Or I have lots of aims and no follow through is more like it.

Dad one day "talked to me" about my being really loud and boisterous lately. I'd kinda noticed it too but hoped it was just tension from one thing or another but it's kept going. He said I've been getting angry at the drop of a hat. But I notice I am realy bouncy a lot. I think what happns is just if I do get angry it is magnified. I feel always on... almost like I am onstage or something... everything is extra, over, super... ehhh Dyno-sized LOL. I say stuff and then re-emphasize everything eighteen times it seems.

And the the side-tracks. I've been seen ADD-like stuff which isn't usually there though. For isntance, I saw a friend recently and kept talking at her she had to keep putting me back on track and then I would just derail a different way.

Anyway I am ok. But probably need to be careful. This happened last year maybe around now and it just kinda petered out by itself. It has also happened before while unmedicated and just petered out.

waves

fatigue while "up" ... maybe back/necck problem
 

What's maybe strange is I feel fatigue at times, too. It might be physical though, becuase sometimes I feel simultaneously "up" and fatigued. I've been gettng these wicked upper back/neck aches. I was sleeping not much -- and can function on less sleep, but past 2 nights I've gotten 8 horus solid, dead to the world. Wake up feeling tired but too energetic even to want to stay in bed.. which is very out of character for me... I'm a big lounger normally. I pulled out an exercise mat... am going to try to do exercises for my back. The mat stinks though, liteerally. It smells like nail polish remover, so it is on the porch destinkifying itself, for the moment. I might get a stepper that my mom also likes to use... that would help with my knee. And am thinking of retrying the pool on a pay-per-visit basis so no commitment.

Oh and I ordered a DBT workbook that my friend's therapist recommended. :) I have a lot of borderline-like features that this book is good for helping. If I can get a handle on some, even partially, it will help me in allaspects of my life. And I hope it helps deal with obsessive stuff too because that's been bad lately... it gets bad at times where it stops me from doing things.

Last time I felt like this I wwrote. Fiction. This time I will try to learn stuff ... computer stuff... like writing a web service for starters... And maybe write again. I do love to write, when it flows....

feel on the edge of smoking
 

A few times lately I've been tempted to smoke. I've resisted, except for once when I was super-trashed, an extremely rare circumstance.

I was at the bus stop the other day... a girl was smoking and I nearly, very nearly bummed one from her. Went through tonnnnnnns of mental machinations with reasons not to smoke and reasons not to care.... was teetering for several minutes. Finally was saved by the bus.

And just now, David Duchovny was smoking or maybe even acting-smoking a cig on tv, and sheez. Was like, gimme. :o

waves who is normally irritated when the neighbors smoke and it gets in the house.

David Duchovny
 

Oh my.
I did not pay attention to him when he was younger.
At the age he is right now, he looks great. :D

I gotta run. I'll be back.

Those mindfulness exercises will help you with the No Smoking.

Yahh, he is smokin'... even when not holding a cigarette.

But my gimme was referred to the cig... which, given he was holding it, says a lot about my cig craving. :eek:

(Thinkign about it though, I'd forgo the cig if you handed me a David Duchovny instead. :p:cool:)

waves

Exactly,

He is hot either way.

You can manage without the cig.

What brings you down a little bit?

M

I'm not trying to come down. Just enjoying. Need to keep aware, but don't need to change this. Not uncomfortable.

The cigs I need to be careful of. I am an ex-smoker. This happens from time to time.

Sorry if it was confusing, me posting that after the mood thing. The two things are just things that are happening. At most, mood might magnify any impulses, like wanting a cig. Also impulse control might not work as well. But the actual craving is not mood-drivven I don't think.

If I were drawn to self-medicate, trust me, it wouldn't be with cigs. Tobacco never did anything for me. Alcohol yes, but right now alcohol consumption is next to nil and I'm not even having to use restraint.

(David Duchovny, on the other hand... I would need restraint.)

waves

HI sweetie! have fun! don't pi$$ off your dad or mom.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Here you mention feedback from your Dad and your own observations about bouncing.
This self awareness will you make decisions


LOL. That would be hard for the people around you.

I am glad that you are enjoying this.

M

Waves,


Back exercises -- yes.
Step exercises for knees -- No. I cannot imagine how that could possible a good idea. But I am o.k. with being talked into a different perspective.

Pool -- yes. Especially with your being a bit "up" you might be less dismayed than the last time you spoke about this with us.

THe DBT book -- very exciting. Do even the exercises that seem stupid. Commit to walking yourself through the whole thing.

That is great. Use the energy.

M

ciggies
 

O.K.
I understand about impulse control now that you pointed it out.

You have have ways of distracting yourself and talking yourself out of this course of action.

I do not get these moods (as in completely do not understand them) because my highs are horrid and mixed (I hate you DSM 5 for not recognizing what a lot of us go through.) So I never feed or accommodate an up mood -- without being stopped it can lead to possibilities that put me in places from which I would not recover.

Enjoy this time while you are also watchful.

M

Haha! :D:D Thanks Bizi.

And don't worry. It will be ok. We all three pizz each other off on a daily basis almost, but it blows over as quickly as it blows in. Pretty much. Mostly. :o:rolleyes:

:cool:

Yeh it probably is sometimes, but I get cued to shut up... my parents start ignoring me. :rolleyes::o I think it's even harder when I digress... hard on both because I don't get where I'm going and later realize oops I didn't say the "relevant" stuff... sometimes important/urgent stuff.

Thanks... it is just such a nice break from my usual dreary, droopy draggin myself around like a bag of bricks.

Yeh I understand I have had horrible moods energy+depression/anger... not functional. Those times probably contributed to destroying my life as I knew it.

Also when the energy is too much, even if "pure", it is impossible to "harness".

But the little waves can be nice. I am thankful for these. I don't think everyone has them. It probably won't last long and I doubt it will escalate--the energy seems sort of stable.

waves

Reminds me I need to go smell that mat and see if it has lost its nasty chemical aroma.
Well, I was told to get a bike -- which I can't fit in here. My understanding is that impact level determines how good/bad something is for knees. The "stepper" (it is called that officially) I am getting is what I consider a portable stair-stepping machine: it has two pedals you stand on, and alternately push down on one then the other, as though climbing, except the feet never lose contact. It is like pedaling on a bike, but standing up. Like a bike, it really works the quads, which is what I was told to strengthen for my knee situation.

I thought this would be ok, becausee zero-impact? No?

If you have reason to believe this is bad, please tell me/explain. I haven't bought it yet, and will not, if there are knee reasons not to.

I was up when I signed up for it last time. The gross-out reaction was as big as the enthusiasm that preceded it, may or may not have had to do with the up. Since my expectations are more realistic, I figure it can only get better. :)
I don't really relish the idea though, so for now, just trying to re-open the mind to it. :D

I will see. Just taking it one step at time. Ordering was a step. I commit to the next step which is retrieving.

I expect there will be meditation-like exercises. I do not know how to solve my spatial/privacy problems to accomodate that. I will try to, on a per-time basis.

Waves...
Just a thought about this from over here...

I had to look up images for stepper.

My daughter has an Elliptical Trainer or Cross Trainer. Looks to be a little similar in concept except it has more to it than the stair-stepping machine.

It's sitting in the shed.

The problem is that she has loose ligaments for want of a better description and has awful problems with her knees popping in and out. The main problem with her elliptical trainer is that the pedals are too far apart and not in a natural walking/stepping position (even though when you use it you don't actually walk OR step as you have your feet flat on the pedals) and that causes her major pain and problems.

Because of the way the stepper is manufactured, it may be totally fine though.
Take a look at how close the actual foot pads are before you buy it.

Waves,

Even if you do not "do" the mediation exercises, read through them and think about them. Some exercises that ask you to focus or think about or breathe through -- instead of that do some drawing for example -- it is still a meditation.

I have to go back to find the first mention of the mat because I am lost in regards to that.

The only near-deal breaker on the pool for me was the "pool" of water.
Check to see if someone fixed it since you last saw it.
If they had not, you can still talk yourself into believing that the good a million times over outweighs the unappetizing.

Who told you that you had to get a bike? For knees? For general health?

Mari

Thanks! Those are great ideas... thinking/considering, and drawing. :)

Not sure I was real explicit. Mom bought an exercise mat for me awhile ago. It came roleld up and shrinkwrapped. Yesterday, I decided I needed to do back exercises so I hunted it down and broke it out of the shrinkwrap. It STANK the entire house up with this acetoney smell. It is on the balcony now, losing its fumes. I smelled it this morning. It is much better -- maybe 80% better. I flipped it and folded it different hoping it will lose the other 20%.

Yeah, me too. And that sanitizing pool is a required by health regulations -- nobody is going to fix that. Supposedly it should have disinfectant in it, but I am still put off. I've put swimming back on the table, but that's the extent of it. It will happen if I feel inclined to do it, otherwise not. Passively considering, but not actively pondering.

Ortho surgeon who saw me for both meniscus and ligament issues. The meniscus doesnt' hardly bother me any more. The ligament issue requires that I strengthen quads. Bike (or the kind of stepper I am looking at) does that.

waves

Thank you, Lara. :)

Lol about the shed. Indeed, my main concern is about spending money on equipment will end up sitting in the cellar, or becoming a plant stand. But that would only be because of my inability to get things done, or follow through.

A friend of mine has the exact stepper I am considering in her home, and I tried it for a few mins. I liked it, and she told me where to get it. It is comfortable and works the exact muscles I need to strengthen.

Seems like a no-brainer but I am just double checking since there seems to be some doubt. My guess is that not everyone with knee problems coould use it: it probably depends on what problems one has and how the thing feels. The doctors told me any exercise that doesn't cause pain is fine, and even to tolerate a little pain, as long as I don't see inflammation.

waves

Good luck on decisions.

I can totally relate to exercise stuff.

donna

Addn stuff to my plate...

9 exercises to rehab a torn ACL without surgery

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2014/0...thout-surgery/

These are out of my league, lol... it will take me doing other, simpler/easier exercises first, just to get to the point of doing these.

So it's a stretch goal if you like. (Literally, stretch, too, ha.)

Thanks, Donna. :) Yeah I am not on the right page with exercise... trying to improve. :D

waves

If you tried it out already you will know how your body stands on the pedals.

With daughter's Elliptical Trainer, her feet are spaced way too far apart and then she's pushing down really hard on the pedals and then that affects her whole lower body not just her knees.

I'd really love one of those lying down pilates machines. :)

No room here for anything really.
Daughter has a small bike and she likes that and uses it, but it's in her room with the bed and the books and the desk and the chair and the books and the cupboard and the boxes and the books etc...

Well,

My knee did it's catching trick yesterday and was hard to fix... it will probably need a couple days now to recover.

So, I am not making the trip to take the computer in this afternoon. Actually considering whether I should wait till after the August lull. (There's a chance they will "sit on" my computer till September if I take it in now.)

---

I've decided on a yes to the stepper. It feels easier to me than any other exercises. I need a mental and physical kick-start, and this might do it.

waves

I hope that you knee is better soon and that your find the kind of exercises that help you.
biiz

Thanks Bizi.

Knee was thankfully bit better today. Still tender but sensitive to fewer movements. Almost back to normal... even if normal for that knee is not really normal any more. :o

The long term is iffy. I need to get myself somehow doing exercises, any at this point. I probably should have ACL reconstruction, but in order to do that, I must 1) build up strength and 2) be in the swing of doing rehab exercises -- rehab for that surgery is extensive and non-negotiable. :o

I stayed in today also. I stayed plunked down on my bed yeteserday and today.

But at least today I did stuff... I installed a compiler and tinkered with C# all day long. :)

waves

sounds like a good day.
bizi

So.

Got some system event stuff stuff figured out, half way. It works now but I am puzzled about something. Never mind, because I really need to move on.

Need to write myself a web service and deploy it. First need to figure out what the heck service to write... as in

What should I have the thing do? ... short of ideas on this. Acttually have zero. :Hum:

===================

I had a shower and washed hair today, then made veggies for dinner.

==> Steamed/stewed yellow peppers.... for my parents whenever. Prepped like this they can be eaten plain, added to other hot dishes, or used as sandwich toppings.

==> Zucchini with olives and parsley... side for everyone.

==> Potatoes with carrot, onion, and parsley trimming... side for everyone.

====================

I had a couple beers while cooking. The second, I made one o' my California beers. It's something I started doing when I lived over there: put a couple olives in the beer ... slowly drink the beer... finally, the treat... Beery Olives. :D Yumm! :p And I'm almost down to my olives! Heheh.

waves

sounds good. I love olives!
bizi

Lol. :D Something to try next time you are consuming... but there's a catch. For the olives to get well marinaded, you have to drink the beer really slowwwwww. :D (So that can maybe help limit consumption too. Maybe. Dunno)

Sorry I don't mean to tempt you. Just sharing.

During tv time I multi-tasked and found articles on writing a web service to help me get started. Instructions that walk me through an example, so I don't have to wrack my brrain for ideas while I figure things out. Thank goodness... no, thank Google, lol! :D

It was a good day. I got stuff done. Tomorrow looks like we are going to get that stepper thingie. The knee is back to its usual self -- the extra soreness is gone.

Thanks for reading and talking to me.

waves

Waves OOOOH me. That sounds good. I use to love beer,and I love olives. Oh gosh. That mixture sounds so good. BF:thud::hug::hug::hug:

You sound like you are doing well! glad to hear about your knee.
bizi

Steve, next time I have one of those, I'll drink to you. ;)

I do enjoy beer in the summertime. It cracks the heat somehow. I don't usually have more than one, or not recently. Dad and I sometimes just split one over dinner.

I'm sorry you can't have it any more. I hope I am not being a bad influence. I understand why you had to quit. I had to quit for a good while when I was out of control. And even then, when I started up again, I would go overboard easily, even if not like before.

I feel lucky that I am in an ok place with alcohol now. You are in a good place with it too -- not having any is a good place, LOL. :D

(((hugs)))

waves

Got the stepper
 

Thanks, Bizi. Yeah, I am good. :)

I got the stepper today, and tried it a little... not too much coz I got a workout just hauling it home today up and down the subway steps and through trains and buses.

So, here's the scoop:

The good leg feels like it's pushing down through butter, but, wow, on the injured leg, it's hard work! It really shows up the deficiency in my quads on that side. (Compensation/underwork for 2 years turned those muscles to mush.:o:eek::rolleyes::() It is a good thing that this stands out using the stepper. It forces the legs to get equal work, but the hurt side will be more challenged... hopefully it will gradually recoup. I will be able to tell if it does, using this thing.

I found that I have to be very, very mindful of how I push down, in order not to hurt the knee. If I push down carelessly, I get a muuch milder version of the same kind of pain I get running, right below the kneecap. I don't know how this will go if I use it for more than the couple minutes testing I've done so far.

If it's a problem, I'll seek additional medical advice on how to recoup these damn quads without trashing other parts of my knee (meniscus, kneecap, etc).

I am very tired I'm going to turn in now. Besides going to the city for the stepper I made dinner veggies, washed up, and tinkered every spare moment I had trying (unsuccessfully, I might add) to hook my two machines up via WiFi.

waves

that was quite a feat getting you new stepper in with all of the transport issues.
good going!
bizi

Waves Awww:circlelove: Thank you Waves. Olives are so rich,and filled with flavor,and the tast for a olive may take time to acquire. I've acquired the tast for them. Olives soaked in bear must have an extra zing to it. Enjoy. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Olives soaked in anything are always a treat. :)

M

Waves, you are doing great, what with the new steps you are taking. :D

M

ETA
The knee has sooooo many parts. And yet it does good work for us most of the time --- moving us through our world and our days.

Damn straight! And now you point it out you got me thinking on what ELSE might I soak olives in... and we have a few olives to use up in the house... I could experiment! Yeah!

I am doing pretty good I guess. No steppin today but that's coz I got a workout cleaning the house... swept and washed the floors (plus some walls and cabinets) in the whole apartment, parts of which on hands and knees. My back, abs, shoulders, arms, and legs are ALL hurting.

After that I made a garbanzo salad for dinner and then had a shower. During tv time I did a few isometrics. Very few, but right now everything counts. The mental "getting around to" any exercise is my main thing.

No computer tinkering today. Hopefully tomorrow. I need the two to share the modem (internet), so they have to talk to each other. I can't wire 'em coz the modem uses the wired connection. Ergo... I need them to talk wireless. So far, they are giving each other the silent treatment. :o

waves

wow, you make me tired thinking of all of the cleaning. WALLS!!!!!
wow!
bizi