"What happened to you?"
 

This is what the first person I saw yesterday asked me. I use my cane whenever I'm outside of the house now because falling isn't my favourite pastime. I can't believe how many people ask me why I have it though.

I realize I look young (I am 30, but I look younger) and it's not usual to see a younger person walking with a cane, but I was hoping that the general population would be considerate enough not to comment on it right off the bat.

I've been asked if I was in a car accident, if I slipped and fell, or just a demand for an answer on why I have it. I also have caught a few people staring which is not cool (thanks cashier at Walmart!). I have realized this is all just something I'm going to have to become okay with and not let it bother me. I tell everyone who asks that I have MS, why lie? I just don't like it when it turns into a conversation on how their second cousin twice removed has MS and how they're running marathons, or how (fill in the blank) cures MS (but of course Big Pharma doesn't want that information leaked!). Makes me wonder if I should come up with another story. I wish I could just go on without having to talk about it, but as soon as the cane was added to the mix, it appears I can't.

How do you deal?!?!

I am in my fifties, but I have had several people ask me too. Do you have knee problems? ... I also tell them I have MS and it makes walking difficult. The usual response I have gotten is that people seem embarrassed they asked and then I feel the need to reassure them that I am doing ok.

I've felt the same way sometimes. Barb, I can totally relate with ending up feeling like I need to make the offending person feel better. :rolleyes:

Finally, I just got tired of trying to make insensitive people feel better about the way they act and quit trying to answer them in a way that would excuse their inconsideration.

It took some trying but I finally am at the point of feeling like I don't owe anyone an explanation of why I do anything. I'm not rude (my Mom would turn over in her grave if I were) but just truthful. :lookaround:

I figure if they're brave enough to ask a total stranger why they feel the need to carry a cane they can handle the truthful answer I choose to give them! ;)

People are just curious...when our life insurance agent came over to update our policies, DH told him I was dxd with MS. He said, "I'm so sorry. Do you know that people with MS die sooner?"
Ignorance is hard to overcome...so it's just as well that we take it with a grain of salt, a shrug of the shoulders, and a chuckle...

Yes Belle, I started using a cane at 36, when going shopping, because I walked a little
like a drunk :p. I also looked young for my age (still got asked for proof, when I order
-ed a drink). If peeps had the nerve to ask the matter, I just smiled and walked on.
At the DLBureau, I'd say that I had a little Arthritis in my left knee..hahaha.

One day, what made me feel ancient :eek:, was, a little boy said to me, "my grandma
has a cane just like that one". I laughed and his mother was so embarrassed :eek:.

I wish a cane helped me walk. I find it just makes it harder. Maybe I'm doing it wrong! I need a walker (rollator) or a shopping cart to keep my balance.

kitty

what is "the truthful answer you chose to give them". i'm really curious now as i may want to adopt it.

i also usually just say i have MS. most folks let it lie at that. plus, i just keep walking. it's not like i'm staying around to have further conversation. mostly i find people helpful. they usually don't press me for any further details unless i'm in a dr's waiting room and i can't get away.

i don't let things bother me anymore either. everyone has something to deal with. mine is just more visible.

barb02- That's exactly how I feel too... like all of a sudden because I say I have MS and then they're embarrassed, I have to assure them that it's ok... But I think I'm going to stop consoling because it really isn't ok to ask unless we've at least exchanged our names!

kitty- I'm also wondering what truthful answer you give them? Just a simple "I have MS"?

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories :) Makes me feel less alone.

Judy and MSbelle,

The answer I give varies. It depends on the question and how it's asked.

If it's an adult and they're rude I usually just say "I have MS and it makes everything more difficult for me" and walk away. If it's a child I tell them I have Multiple Sclerosis and nothing more unless they ask. Usually a parent or adult is around and I make sure it's alright to explain. If it's another person who is disabled or also using a cane or walker I don't mind discussing my disability.

It's always a different situation so my response varies. Sometimes it's hard to be polite but I don't want to give them more to talk about!

People are generally nice and usually just curious but I do wish they'd save their "I've got a friend with" stories for someone else. :rolleyes:

I'm in Canada where the drinking age is 19 and I **always** get ID'd. Every time unless I have my kids with me, then it's hit or miss.

I don't get bothered about it much, because I remember I used to take second looks at younger people with walking aids...wondering what happened to them. It's just people relating canes and walkers with old people, it' just not the case anymore. I use a cane and I also see wounded solgiers around here with canes as well.

People shouldn't judge someone until they know the truth, otherwise it's none of their business, just keep walking and smile... dont get bothered by it.

I find about 95% of people I encounter are nice and helpful to me.... They know I look young and have some trouble.

I usually (when I could walk - people don't usually ask WC people) say MS but DH would say it was from the sky-diving accident which made me giggle. At a school thing elementary) I did walk funny and crashed into a wall. My 12 year old DD whispered, "Mommy, that man is laughing at you." Taught my kids on the ride home as someone taught me long before MS to think in your head "You're an @$$hole and I'm not." My neighbor does like to say I like to yank people's chains. Please remember it is not your job to educate everyone. As an ex-teacher I know you can't.

I deal on a need to know basis. I'm always nice (I only think some stuff) and am upfront with people who have a right to know.

Well you know me, I like to teach. so if anyone asks, they will get a brief lesson on what MS is and how it affects me. They don't even have to pay for the lesson, it's free. My gift to mankind, so that they may be kind to the next person who they wonder about. Also so that they might be more sensitive to some one that has some sort of a handicap

That's sweet of you, Doydie. :hug:

I used to spend time with another MSer and wherever we went she used to ask anyone with a cane, walker or wheelchair if they had MS. And here we were with MS, it was very embarrassing to say the least.

Why did she do that?

I have complimented people on their really cool looking canes though! They usually look surprised and then smile because I don't then ask them why they use it.

So great to hear how everyone deals with these questions and how unique everyone's responses are! Helps me decide how I want to choose to go about answering :)

doydie, I think I will become like you. Naturally I like to teach and I'm not uncomfortable talking about my MS. At the same time it must get exhausting.

MSbelle, it's kind of like telling a kid where babies come from when they ask. You tell them what they want to know. You can pretty well know when some one is not interested at all or when you see them losing interest.

karousel, whenever I see a younger person with a cane I do think to myself or maybe out loud to my husband, about whether they have MS or not. It's only natural.

When someone asks me, which is rare, I say I have multiple sclerosis. The whole words, not MS.

Karousel, apparently your friend is not shy and might be searching for (another) kindred spirit.

Kitty, sounds like you could use some guidance on cane-walking! Do you see your neurologist soon? You should ask. There are different ways to use a cane; depends on what you're wanting from it.

Well, my balance is so bad that it seems like the cane just makes it worse. Maybe I'm beyond help from a cane? I use a rollator if there is a lot of walking involved.....or a shopping cart. I've practiced using my cane here at home but it just isn't helpful to me. I'll be sure to discuss it with my Neuro next time I go.

my annoyance and my response varies on my mood.

If a child asks it is usually because they are genuinely curious or scared. They just want a simple answer. The parents usually are mortified LOL. I just say I use X to help me walk/get around because my legs don't work right. They often want to know of it hurts - I always say "not really" so they aren't frightened of people that are different. I will relate my sticks or wc to their sister's stroller or the child's glasses.

Adults/strangers asking: depend on how they asked and my mood. If a stranger says "What's wrong with you?" I will give a sharp look and a smartas* answer like "Shark attack". Often I simply reply with a snippy "Why do you need to know?!?" then I move on.

If I know the person and they seem sympathetic and curious I say I can't walk well or have a neuro problem. I rarely reveal my medical details to anyone but very close friends/family. After all, I don't ask about their medical issues unless I genuinely care about the person and want to help.

I probably give some smart remark answer too often but this is personal, ya know? I guess we as a society went from whispered curiosity & looking away to the the bold & uninhibited.

Yepp and I don't mind it.