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Frustrated with a new aquaintance
I haven't even met this person yet, but I've talked to her several times and I'm already feeling judged. I have a lot in common with her, but I REALLY don't need a person that wants to try and motivate me to "get better". I've been to therapy and I'm 100% sure that while depression might be a component of my RSD/CRPS, that depression is not the CAUSE of it. I don't need or want to compete for whose health is worse. And the message that we're responsible for not getting better, by not having thought positively enough, or worked hard enough at getting better, truly makes me angry. I've had this disorder for 14 years, and I haven't given up yet, but I also KNOW my own BODY. I have spread to my jaw for the second time and while I hope it will go back into remission, I know there's a possibility that that won't happen. --And that's nothing to do with my MOTIVATION. I really believe that people want to believe they have more control over their health than they actually do and it scares them to death that something might actually be beyond their control.
On top of all this, this person wants to apply for SSDI, which seems more than a little hypocritical--because hey with a little positive thinking shouldn't she be well enough to continue working? I loved my job and spent YEARS trying to adapt and figure out a way to even be able to work part time or develop a business that was workable--and I finally had to accept that it just isn't realistic at this point. I don't want to feel like I have to explain or justify my health. Any coping strategies for dealing with these type of people would be appreciated. End Rant! Thanks in advance. |
Hugs.
It's so frustrating when people don't get it...but think they do and offer advice on something they know nothing about. I'm all for positive thinking, not giving up, etc...but I also know there are limits and no amount of positive thinking is making this go away. Cope with it better? Sure...but make it go away? No. Wish I had a coping strategy for dealing with this person...but I don't. I generally just limit my time with those sorts of people. They mean well (and they really do most of the time)...but I just find it too stressful and we all know what that does to our RSD. If there's any way to NOT talk about the topic that stresses you then that's an option too...but I'm guessing that would be too difficult. Best of luck to you...hope you can work it out. Hugs. |
I hope they aren't making friends with you just to pick your brain about SSDI..:(:confused:
I would consider the pros and cons of such a friend like that...before getting in deeper.. If certain personality traits are bothering you already,, it usually only gets worse.. I try to avoid toxic /stressful personalities who needs any added stress anyway?? |
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And, I'm just thrown for a loop since this woman called this morning, aggressively questioning me about my physical and mental health and how I spend my time. I felt like she didn't understand before but today I felt attacked. I've made a habit of walking away from everyone that pulls this with me--including my former best friend of 20 years. It just hadn't happened in a while and I was hoping someone else had figured out a better way of dealing with these situations. |
It almost sounds like she is questioning you to get ideas on how to proceed with a claim.. for best acceptance.. she might be probing to fill out the forms and such..
Do you think someday you'll plan to meet up in real life? Another option is be honest & blunt? Tell her you felt a friendship growing , but now all the questioning & comments are making you feel uncomfortable.. Or just the last part... She how she responds to that? |
it seems to me that people with rsd get judged alot because our illness not only had visible pysical symptoms but invisible internal symtoms too. depression is not the reason we have rsd, but rsd can cause depression. i order brochures from rsd hope online and pass them out to all my drs and friends especially the ones who don't "get" it. it helps some, but not all. some read them and some don't. but it beats trying to explain the someone that what we have is real. and we don't have to justify that to anyone. the documentaion on rsd speaks for itself and proves its real. our physcial symptoms prove its real. and our internal pain is explained by drs who prove its real. other disabilites are not always visible, but are not questioned as much, like ms or cancer because more is known about them. rsd is so rare that people don't know enough about it. thats why raising awareness of it is so important. as for ssdi, i would tell your friend to look it up on the internet. there is plenty of info on that there. i don't think its good to talk to people about that because you can be judged and compared on that as well from your friends and that's not right. i hope you go into remission again someday and i am sorry for the rsd in your jaw. i have it in my mouth and know how horrible that is. soft hugs my friend.
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I'm not a fan of telling people I'm receiving SSDI, but it becomes obvious that I'm not working, and with all of my doctor appointments and procedures, it's hard to hide. |
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For lots of people, walking away from a toxic relationship is supremely difficult, and the learning is IN the walking away. But what I am hearing from you is that you're already a bad@$$, and you want to be strong in a different way than before. :) Who knows - maybe you want to stand your ground by letting your voice be heard, setting parameters for the relationship and letting it unfold from there, instead of walking away from the toxicity. Letting her know you're in no mood to talk currently with your jaw flaring up. There's no guarantee you'll ever reach an understanding with this person, but you might feel better on your side about it. |
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You're right, I haven't and won't keep anyone in my life that's toxic. This illness is very isolating though, and until yesterday, I was optimistic about a potential friendship. I might be able to maintain some type of superficial relationship with her, but I am disappointed. |
Dear Lit Love,
Your post starting this thread was expressed so well and made me recall similar situations. There is no easy answer as to how to deal with this type of individual. That depends on the person and what will work with HER. Your first post is so very well stated that maybe you should state it exactly that way to your acquaintance. It gets your point across without being ugly about it. It is honest and direct but also soft and "should" be well received. If I were "the acquaintance" and you told me EXACTLY what you stated in your post, I would be appreciative of your honesty. BUT, I may be of a totally different personality than the real acquaintance of which you spoke. Another option might be to re-direct the conversations and turn them on her. When she asks a question of you or makes statements regarding your mental "health" or "attitude" toward your condition, you may just turn around and ask HER, "Why do you ask?" "Do YOU have a mental illness?" You may say "I would prefer not to talk about the matter. Let's keep things on a lighter note and not discuss health issues." About "depression".... It is one of those which came first, the chicken or the egg, things in my opinion. A family member was pushing the depression theory on me for my lack of doing anything. It took a while but I finally got through that if SHE had my health, SHE would get depressed, too. How would SHE like not being able to ........ and I would start the list. Wouldn't that depress YOU? Everyone with a chronic illness and/or pain gets depressed from time to time. Often times, it is the illness that causes the depression. Not to say that people can't have depression that is compounded by illness but some of us never experienced depression UNTIL our lives were destroyed by a chronic illness. There is a relationship between depression and chronic illness that most healthy people do not understand. When we become shut away from the world due to our health, having friends is important but maybe one or two really GOOD ones would be much preferable to one potential friend that will cause you grief and emotional upset. MY advice, bottom line, tell her how you feel and let the chips fall where they may. Thanks for the thread. Hope things work out the way you would like them to be. |
Hi Lit Love,
One more comment from this peanut gallery. Your first post sound like she has already put you on the "defensive" side and that is NOT a good place to pushed into by someone. Put HER on the defensive. Take the offense. While I am sure you want to be polite and not be the "attacker", if there is potential for a budding friendship, throw politeness out of the window and "test" the potential relationship. A friend worth having will make it through a direct, honest, conversation that is not masked in politeness. Your point of the irony of her applying for disability was great. Also the reason SSDI can be so hard to obtain for those of us who would give anything to be "capable" of working if only we could. Those of us who loved our jobs, our work, our livelihood, and would trade our inabilities in a second for the opportunity to return to our work lives. How much so many of us would love to go back to work, renounce our SSDI income, and lead the lives we once had before struck down by some chronic illness. Many "surprises" may lay in wait for your acquaintance when she applies for SSDI. I fear that once those surprises surface, she will have you on speed dial. Ah, you will suddenly become her BEST friend and her tune may change. When that happens, just tell her that it is all in her "attitude". :) |
It has been my experience that "pushy" people do not take honesty and forthright comments well.
I've been reading this thread, and I see you, LIT LOVE, have those "helping" genes, and a personality that is giving. I have that trait too, and it has been tough for me, attracting types that "take" and emotionally drain me. If this new acquaintance is wearing you out, making you feel more tired and confused, this relationship doesn't really need to go farther. There are personality types that have chameleon like traits, mirroring you to establish a link. Sales people use this trait to bond with customers to get a sympathy going so you will buy what they have. In private relationships, people like this project this "I am like you" attitude to lure you into a friendship. Most times, they are not like you at all, and it can be so subtle you don't even know it is happening. Slowly back away, answer the phone less, but just once in a while, introduce other topics of conversation when you do talk on the phone, etc. If you back away slowly and are greeted with hostility..."Where have you been" type accusations, that is a clue that this relationship is going to be toxic for you. People who struggle with pain, and the baggage it brings (depression,fatigue etc), on a daily basis have to strengthen their boundaries so that the needy types do not compound our days. I try to find some humor online, and I channel my own helping needs to my environment--my husband, cats, and the animals that live in nature with us. In summer I have my garden and seedlings to care for. Right now I am photographing the winter birds and squirrels right through our windows. Giving them a little food each day, satisfies me watching them survive these cold wintry days. Certainly it is tough, getting a needy pushy type to back off. I don't envy you that task. I get the feeling you know what needs to be done, and are just dreading it? :hug: I know for me I just can't watch the news anymore. The CNN type channels are wearing me down! Just the news these days is enough to create depression! So structuring your day away from further bad news may help... it sure does help me! ;) |
Thank you Hopeless and Mrs. D.
I definitely have that the inclination to take care of people and attract people that are inclined to take advantage of that, lol. I just don't have the ability to be very dependable anymore. One of the reasons I post actively on the SS disability forum is so that I can give back and fulfill that need to help, but I can depend on others that are just as capable, if not more so, if I'm not up to it. I don't think she's looking to take advantage of me, but rather she wants an equally unhealthy, enmeshed relationship. She's worried about me, she's sending her bf over with food, asking if I need her to run errands, etc. (Part of the issue is that my son had been living with me for almost a year, and he just moved cross country for another internship. It is a big adjustment, but I can manage.) I haven't taken her up on any of the "favors" and I make a point to bake or cook for her as well when I'm feeling at my best, so that things don't become one sided. What I've found over the years is that there are times when I really do need help, but it's way less complicated to pay for it rather than depend on friends. --I probably should avoid family help as well, but that's tougher, for a variety of reasons. And when I lost my patience with her, I explained that there is a component of depression with RSD/CRPS, but I've DONE the work in therapy to be confident that depression is a symptom, not a cause. And from what she said in response, I do think she's trying to project her own issues on to me. I had assumed she had seen a psych doc at some point, but apparently she's just self diagnosing. I can call my former therapist if I have an emergency, but I haven't needed to speak with him in a few years. Having everybody here to bounce ideas off of, is a BIG help. |
Dear Lit Love,
Oh, no, the acquaintance has you on the ropes so to speak. For "giving and helpful" people, like you, not only do you feel compelled to be polite, but pushy people will also make you feel obligated when they do something for you. Been there. The more she "helps" and does for you, the more reluctant you may become to be direct and set limits. I use the word "you" not to mean you specifically, but as a general pronoun. The first line of Mrs. D's comment is very true. Quote:
As I mentioned to you in a PM a while back, your patience and the help you have shown on forums in NT is remarkable to say the least. Your kindness and personality show through your responses on NT to posters seeking assistance. I wish I could do the same for YOU in this matter but the acquaintance may react entirely different than I expect to suggestions I may have made. Unless you do not want to "risk" the loss of a potential friend, I still say, put the cards on the table, be direct and let the chips fall. If this party can not accept YOUR terms, you will be better off without the complication in your life. If you NEED her help and assistance in your current situation, you may have to just accept the grief with the help. It is very difficult to say something that "may" offend someone, especially when they have done some kind acts toward you, but honesty may be your only method of taking care of yourself and what is in your best interest. You should put yourself FIRST, before the feelings of this individual. Like they teach in First Responders courses, you can't help anyone else if you put yourself in danger. It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself. You won't be any good to anyone if you are not taking care of yourself. A first responder can not help the injured person to whom they are responding if they injury themselves in route. Take care of YOUR needs, emotional, too, before you take care of the feelings of this individual. You owe it to yourself. Your nature may be to help others first but resist that temptation. As they say, charity begins at home. Be charitable to yourself. Speak your mind with her as tactfully as possible. You have excellent communication skills and will be able to make your point kindly. |
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So, I'd like to think that I don't set myself up to be taken advantage of in real life, but it happens. I'll keep everything you and the others have written in mind, when I talk to her. I let her call go to VM yesterday, so that I'd be better prepared on how to deal with her. Thank you again! |
...sometimes people just don't know how to talk to us...maybe she was looking for something in common, ssdi? to talk about besides the crps....and just maybe she thought by taking away one symptom, which she might have more info on, might help with the big picture...
I am a poor judge of people; I think I'm a good friend and start off thinking everyone else must be too... But I also agree that toxic friendships need to not be part of our lives.... So I wish you the best in this balancing stage you are at....:grouphug: |
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