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In This Day And Age Ignorance Is No Excuse!!!
Something has been bothering me as of late that I feel I need to share with you all or burst from letting it boil inside of me.
Here goes. About 2 weeks ago I went to my local grocery store to get a few items. I was having a particularly bad walking day so I was using my walker rather than my cain. As I was moving down a aisle there was a young girl with her mother. She looks at me with major curiosity. Staring was more like it. Finally she looks at her Mom and in a whisper that I could easily hear, asks her what was wrong with me. Her mother's ignorant response was "I don't know dear, but stay away from him". Being the shy quiet type that you all have grown to know, I simply could not let that one go. I looked at the mother and said "yes, by all means, keep her away from me or she just might learn something interesting today". The mother looked at me in disgust, called me a weirdo, grabbed her daughters arm and off they went. Come on. Are we as humans still so ignorant in this day and age with all of the information that is available to us feel that we still need to treat our brotheron with such disrespect and disgust? I have to say I was appalled at this women's response to her daughters question. Now her daughter will grow up to be just as ignorant as her mother and so on and so on. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I just expect people to be a little more educated in this day and age about how to approach situations they do not completely understand. Rather than makes Jackasses of themselves, I would expect them to be just a little more considerate. But than I might be asking for too much. Sorry this is so long, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel much better now. Thank you. Chin Up Mark xoxo :grouphug: :grouphug: |
Boy that had to hurt. People can be so mean. Try not to dwell on it. You can count on the fact that she is close minded and probably has few friends. :hug:
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When my arms were really bad due to the RSI - I was wearing my arm /wrist wraps, or my DeQuervains thumb wrap, or my Cubital tunnel elbow compression straps- cripes what abunch of contraptions ! now that I add them up .
I would just say something like "I have arm problems" or later as it spred "I have arm & shoulder problems". Of course it isn't the same thing and most people didn't stare much - at least I didn't notice:confused: . What are some good and simple things to say in those times? Maybe a " I have a chronic pain condition, called RSD" |
Wicked, I don't blame you in the slightest for being upset. I totally agree with you... in this day and age, people ought to be more compassionate and less ignorant. But if wishes were fishes, the whole world would be fed.
My rsd is mainly in my legs, so I have no obvious problem for peeps to stare at or ask questions about. Sometimes I wish it WERE more apparent, simply because I look so wrecked from 14 years of pain... most peeps think it's drugs when they first look at me. I am 5' and 90 lbs, so I look like a "tweaker" I've been told. Peachy, huh? But the memory that your story dredged up for me had nothing to do with my rsd... it happened about 24 years ago. I took my colicky baby to the Navy clinic, which was always a horror story in and of itself, lol. After an hour or so in the waiting room, a woman walked in with her Down's Syndrome son, approx. 10 years old. This poor kid wanted nothing more than to have a bit of fun with the other kids... just like every other kid in there. But to my horror, I saw each mother take their child by the hand and lead them away! It didn't take but 5 minutes for that poor kid to be sitting alone in the middle of the play area, I was disgusted, as well as heartbroken. Just exactly HOW ignorant are folks, if they think Down's Syndrome is contagious?!? Chris was getting really fussy, and it peaked the kids interest. He obviously wanted to come over and see what was up, but knew from experience that his company wasn't welcome. He was soooo wrong, at least for once in his life. I called him over, introduced him to Chris, and explained why the baby was so fussy. I told him that it would help a LOT if he could just make baby noises at him, or weird faces, whatever he could think of to distract Chris from his pain. The kid was overjoyed at having someone respect him, and actually ask/need his help. When I looked over to his Mom, I was shocked to see her in tears. Turned out that it was the VERY first time anyone had done anything even close to that. She was overcome, plain and simple. It broke my heart. It took two more hours before our names were finally called, but for once I wished it had taken longer. I was more than willing to sit there all day, just to give that poor kid one day's joy. I tried to get the mother's phone #, but she was a foreign wife, poor lady. One of those Phillipino women that men from the U.S. go get when they are too screwed up to make any American women want them. I watched it happening for too many years. I totally understood why she had to stay to herself, but felt deep pity for both her and her son... mainly the son. I have thought about that kid on and off ever since... wondering how he turned out, if he had any FUN in his life as a child. I did all I could, though... the rest was up to his parents. |
Hi Mark,,
I am real sorry that you had to go through this. When my sons were young, they were always taught to respect, not stare, hold open doors and politely ask handicapped, folks with casts, walkers, wheel chairs, etc. if they could be of assistance to them. It is not your fault(ya already know this, I'm sure) It is the parents that teach children their "Own hang-ups".. like your siggy says, "Chin Up". Sure, it's gonna hurt, sure you feel like ya want to throttle someone.. But, ya know what, Mark.. their loosers, you my friend are a winner. God bless you. Love, Desi > here's a hug, Mark :hug: |
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all the best. |
I am sorry... I knew that was coming out wrong, and couldn't figure out how to fix it.
What I said meant no disrespect to the "foreign women"... if anything, I was poking at the men. I always had a hard time with guys like that, I knew too many of them. As far as I was concerned, they were taking advantage of women who desperately wanted to improve their quality of life... and the lives of the families they leave behind.These men, for the most part, were the type who needed utter control to feel whole. They couldn't bully most American women, they had to go find someone who needed a way to fix their lives, and would tolerate just about anything to do so. There was something missing in them... NOT the women. The women deserved the friendship and support of the other Navy wives, they needed it badly. But these men were very good at keeping their wives housebound and utterly dependent upon them. What I meant was that the woman I was writing about was afraid to make outside friends with anyone.. it would have caused havoc at home. I deeply regret phrasing that the way I did... but I truly meant no disrespect. Forgive me, please? |
:mad: mark,
i guess we will always have a hateful, ignorant minority of people like that....i know people say that "it takes all kinds" but i don't think that's true...we just HAVE all kinds......she's a sow, since she's obviously raising her child to be a pig! may her worst enemy win the lottery! liz |
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all the best! |
Hey Mark,
Some ideas for you for when (I won't say if) it happens again: Make disgusting faces until they look away. If called on your rudeness, apologise and explain that your doctor has prescribed these therapeutic face exercises, and offer to demonstrate. Attempt to engage them in friendly, normal conversation about the weather. If this doesn't work, start to drool mid-sentence. Say "Keep staring. I might do a trick." (Especially after the above.) Fake a seizure, sudden pain, or death rattle, followed by yelling "Ha! Fooled you!" Ask them if they can spare some change. all the best :) |
Hi Mark,
Children need to be taught how to treat the disabled but unfortunetly some parents are too ignorant to teach the kids what is right and wrong.
Recently my Grandson, Devin, who is 12 had a friend that he has had ever since he was in kindergarten with him develop MS. Being put on her meds she has gained weight from them and all of the kids in school had been making fun of her. Devin joined in and laughed at her and Dustin came home and told Susan what Devin did and that it was wrong. Susan sat Devin down and explained to him that it was wrong to make fun of people no matter what was wrong with them. Devin called his friend up and apologized to her. This goes back to what I said that kids don't always know what's right or wrong but they can be taught and should be. I do believe that people have less respect for each other in these days and ages. You see the parents being worse at times then the children are. I realize there are a lot of good people out there but I still see a lot of wrong being done today. Try not to let it bother you Mark, it's not anything you did, so you should not let it eat at you. I have scars on my neck where I have had my surgeries and I wear low cut tops. I look at them as a symbol of what I have made it through. Like Jo I have also worn braces all over me and just told everyone I had arm and hand problems. I hope you start feeling better soon and don't let this wear you down. Ada |
Hey Bud,
I think I am going to get one of these. Big Hugs, Roz:D http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...ype=osi_widget |
Mark,
I understand what you mean. When I was so bad I couldn't walk at all I was either in an electric scooter or chair. I was so ashamed/embarrassed or something like that (neither word is exactly what I want to use, but they will have to do cause my brain is exhausted/fried & it just won't work like it use to) at first to use them cause I felt everyone would be looking at me & thinking "she doesn't look ill or like anything else was wrong with her". But once I started having more confidence in myself out in public I noticed people here in northern CA didn't hardly give me a 2nd look. EXCEPT to get in front me in a line or dodge around me in the aisles. Which then I would open my mouth loudly about how damn rude people were *LOL* :D See I have no problem now being very sarcastic :rolleyes: & loud about it, when people are rude (just ask my hubby :wink:). Or being rude right back at them . When I see one hurrying to try to beat me somewhere, I poor the juice on my chair & almost bowl them over *ROFL* :D :cool: instead!!! I have gotten past the way people look at me as if I should not use a store scooter or my chair and I just don't give a rats ***** what any of them think of me either way anymore. I am what I am & they don't have to know what is 'wrong' with me. I guess I finally got a toughened skin now & that is why not too much out 'there' bothers me anymore. I think people in this area have gotten use to seeing me out shopping using either the store scooters or my chair and it is like they almost fall over themselves helping me. Sometimes I would rather do for myself, but it seems like I burst their bubble when I refuse their help *LOL* :rolleyes: Depending on who it is if I see that happening I will either give in to their help or I won't. Also depends on how I am feeling physically. Sometimes I am also very very grateful for their help. You hang in their Mark & chalk that one up to total ignorance on the mother's part. And hopefully the child will grow up to not be like her mother & make the choice to be a much better person. That can happen also. You can't blame the child for how she is being taught. A friendly :hug: your way, DebbyV |
[QUOTE=artist;112513]Hey Mark,
Some ideas for you for when (I won't say if) it happens again: Make disgusting faces until they look away. If called on your rudeness, apologise and explain that your doctor has prescribed these therapeutic face exercises, and offer to demonstrate. Attempt to engage them in friendly, normal conversation about the weather. If this doesn't work, start to drool mid-sentence. Say "Keep staring. I might do a trick." (Especially after the above.) Fake a seizure, sudden pain, or death rattle, followed by yelling "Ha! Fooled you!" OMG Artist! I got my LOL for the night! too funny! Loved this though.. Oh.. the visual:D Love, Desi |
It is disgusting that any form of "difference" (whether it be the child with Downs, a wheelchair user, someone with a speech impediment, visual issues or who walks badly or a tourettes sufferer) is immediatly seen as scary, dangerous and contagious! It is almost seen as an embarrasing situation which should be brushed under the carpet. There is this idea that if you don't look at people who are "different" then they can't exist and there is no chance that you, or your family or your friends could have to deal with it.
I hate stupid small minded people who just think that if you don't acknowledge and issue then it will never exist for you. I became a wheelchair user when I was 16 and am horrified looking back at how I was first treated by others and it felt at times like people were trying to make me feel guilty for having to use one, and not just family but society in general. If ignorant parents teach their children to be ignorant then how can the whole world move on? Sorry, it just frustrates me so much! When I see it happen with children towards me I just say "I had an accident and my arms and legs don't work properly anymore" and that's fine and over and done with. It's as if parents are worried you will kidnap the child, breathe on them and give them the disability. GRRR.. Love Frogga xxxxxxxxxxxx |
No, the kids themselves certainly aren't the issue... it's the parents. Left to themselves, kids will walk up to a person in a chair and bluntly ask them "what's wrong?". I think that kind of openess is a wonderful thing, once you get past the initial shock of how "rude" the question sounds at first.
I had a friend in a wheelchair due to a motorcycle accident. He was great with kids, very patient in explaining what had happened and what life was like for him. He'd step in when a parent tried to shush their kid and try to stop them from asking Drake anything. He'd simply say "No, that's ok. It's important for them to learn, and important for me to explain." The coolest thing he ever did was give my sons a spare chair to try for a few days. He had done this before, with other kids. The only condition was that they had to STAY in the chair when they wanted to do something... they couldn't just jump up and go about their business. They had to truly see, if only for an hour or two at a time, what it was like. It was quite an eye-opener for them, and gave them new respect for the hassles the disabled go through on a daily basis. Little did we know that within a year, they would need that knowledge (tho not to that extent, thank you God) to deal with their own mother. I have to tell you all, this forum has been very good for me. I had NO idea how withdrawn I had become, how depressed. But when I read some of these posts, and remember people from my past that I should never have forgotten in the first place... well, it does something good for my heart. Thanks everyone :Thanx: |
very true rogue! xxxxxx
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Hi Mark,
One of my son's (this was when he was in 8th grade) had a dear friend a few houses from us who had severe leg problems from birth. The kids would tease him all the time. My son who had never been in a fight in his life, got fed up with the kids being cruel to him, well he let them have it. He was suspended from school for a few days. Just some blacks eyes and bruises were the only injuries. He did not get into any trouble from me for that fight, just from the school. I gave him a high 5 under the circumstances. Big Hugs, Roz |
Hi Mark,
Some people are really insensitive. I have to use the scooters in the stores & often notice children staring at me. Some times I think they just want to know how the scooter works & wish they could drive it. But I also know that kids are curious. I just smile at them & they usually just smile back and that's the end of it. But sometimes the parent looks uneasy, like they just want to get away. I guess it bothered me more at first but now I don't let it get to me. What bugs me is when people ram their carts into me. I wish they would watch where they are going. It really is a shame that people aren't more compassionate. Linmarie |
Hi,
I've noticed an interesting thing with my dogs. No, it's not off-topic, lol; if they see a human being who doesn't conform to their notion of *the silhouette* of a human, they bark and become hostile. An example - my friend's son had one of those plastic terminator robot/gun arms; my dogs would go bananas the moment he put it on, just wearing it. But anyone carrying anything strange that confuses the normal silhouette seems to do it. So I suppose it's inbuilt defensive/fear of the unknown programming. OK, I know we should know better than dogs, but we don't do we? And it doesn't just happen with wheelchairs, scooters, etc. Anything physically out of the norm will provoke the staring and edging away. Not surprising in an era where people surgically try to make themselves look like a clone of some publicist's idea of "standard beauty" - specially in the US, Brazil too... But it's not just that, people are tremendously uncaring - as in, they just don't care. Did you see the short video I put in the Humour thread? It's very funny, but the behaviour of that guy is very dreadful. Here, if you missed it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWTieYeVtfc And they're really careless too. I've had to wear an arm sling a few times; in the days when smoking wasn't a capital offense, I'd hold a lighted cigarette in front of my slung arm in crowds. That worked. Friend of mine, electric wheelchair-bound, used to have a hinged cardboard cutout of himself (full-size, standing, taken before his accident, he is 6ft 3in) attached to the back of the chair, looked like he was pushing himself. That gave them something to stare at, lol! all the best :) |
artist,
yes, i agree about the dogs....my dog goes berserk at the sight of a person in a bike helmet, even a child, and he normally loves kids....but i also agree that we don't - or at least, shouldn't - operate on the same instinctual level that animals do. " Not surprising in an era where people surgically try to make themselves look like a clone of some publicist's idea of "standard beauty" - specially in the US, Brazil too..." it makes me wonder what will happen when we all look like julia roberts....how will be able tell each other apart? " they just don't care. Did you see the short video I put in the Humour thread? It's very funny, but the behaviour of that guy is very dreadful." i couldn't agree more....i have forwarded that url to just about everyone on my e-mail list because it IS funny (i just love it when age and treachery overcome youth and riches!)......and on the subject line of my e-mail i labeled it "grandma and the dirt bag" because that guy really deserved what he got....it's going to cost him some money to get that repaired, and i have no sympathy for him at all! " in the days when smoking wasn't a capital offense" oh boy, isn't that the truth....these days, smokers are society's lepers, aren't they? good post.....i'm going to watch more carefully and see if anything besides helmets upset the pooch! liz |
Hi everyone,
I get lots of stares, apparently it is only acceptable to be in a wheelchair if you are over 80 years of age:( And so what that I either am bare foot or have light thongs on) :rolleyes: When I notice them staring and I don't mean that fleeting acceptable look bit more the hard core up and down and following you type of stare, I usually just ask them "am I wearing something you want to borrow"-- and they soon look away and escape into the nearest shop.:D Must admit I am quite happy to talk others who approach me in a more affable way but the long and short of it is that even these days many people just have no interpersonal skills and therefore their children miss out too. Take care all Tayla:hug: |
"You tell'em Tayla!!" :D Desi
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I guess I need to add my contribution to what everyone else has written, but I want to talk about social work students. I want to talk about them because one would think that social workers (and wannabes) would be the sort of people who would understand and empathize with disabled people. Not so. At least not in my experience.
OK, I was 48 when I went back to college to become a social worker (a job I thought I could do despite my disabilities). Almost half of the SW students were non-traditional, some as old as me; they didn’t ignore (actually avoid) me because I was older. And I’m not anybody’s dream lover but I always had a lot of friends before I got hurt, so it wasn’t my homeliness or a social defect either. It was because I was disabled and they didn’t know how to deal with it, so they avoided me. If social workers don’t know how to deal with disabled people, it’s easier to understand why “regular” people don’t. I don’t have any idea what to do about this; all I know is that if social workers don’t even see a reason to try, we are probably going to have to deal with this ******** as long as we live. That really sucks. I need to add that the most insensitive group of people I have ever had to deal with are physical therapists. Most of them, and nearly every one of the new ones, really believe that PT can fix everyone. When it doesn't fix you they become jerks and blame you. This has been my experience with PTs for a very long 28 years; ever since a slip of the scalpel during a back surgery in 1978 made standing, walking, or even sitting upright painful. After my 1995 injury, those activities were just too painful to even try; and I certainly wasn’t going to hurt myself just to make a PT happy, or to convince him/her that I really do want to get better. PT is wrong for most people with painful nerve injuries, and it is wrong for people with RSD. I agree that PT may very well be useful for people with chronic pain, but according to the International Association for the Study of Pain (IASP) (1995), chronic pain is pain that has no useful biological function and the mechanism of that pain is not understood. That aint us. Our skin is most often purple, most of us have, or will face patchy osteoporosis and inhibited hair and nail growth, and almost every one of us have a severely painful hypersensitivity to cold, and a lower skin temperature. These are all objective signs of a real physical disorder. The experts can pretend cyanosis doesn’t exist, and they do, but we see it every day. I have written in the past that all you need to do to cause RSD burning pain and allodynia is to put a blood pressure cuff on your arm and leave it inflated to above systolic for 30 minutes; your arm will turn purple, and if touch an ice cube to that arm and you will feel the same allodynia you feel every day with this disease. We don’t have chronic pain, we have pain that won’t stop hurting because the “experts” don’t have a clue as to what is causing it. Once they figure out what is causing it, they will finally know how to stop, or at least control it. But back to PTs: My first social work job was at a traumatic brain injury rehab hospital; a hospital that had an internship program for PTs. During half of their sr. year, PT students must work at a real job – but for free – for one semester. While I worked at that rehab, five or six new PTs arrived for their internship. All of them were young, healthy and athletic; I’m sure all were phys-ed majors on scholarships who figured out there isn’t a job market out there for track and field, and that the only job their education prepared them for was physical therapist. Young, athletic phys-ed majors suffer lots of acute injuries and usually get PT at least once or twice. They never see anyone with a chronic disability until they begin their internship, and by then they believe PT can fix anything. When chronic patients don’t get better, it’s their fault: they weren’t willing to accept the added pain that would make them better. That’s ********, but that’s what PTs believe. Well, I could walk a few steps unaided and about 200 steps using a cane, but after that, walking just hurt too much. It was a huge campus and I needed a power wheelchair to get to my three offices in three different buildings. That was just too much for those PT interns: if I could already walk a dozen steps, they knew that with PT I would eventually be able to walk a dozen miles. They made me their “project”; literally trying to shame me into doing PT by making it clear that only pussies don’t believe in “no pain, no gain”. Hey, I was a Marine and was damn proud of the fact that I never reached the point when I just couldn’t go another step; I was (and still am) a TRUE BELIEVER in “no pain, no gain”, but not when it just hurts and doesn’t make you a bit stronger. And with nerve pain and RSD pain, PT can’t make you stronger. At best, it causes pain for no good reason, and at worst it probably makes you worse. I really learned about PTs after the 1995 injury. Besides RSD of the left foot, I added several new back and spine diagnoses. They call it chronic pain, but all of my pain has an objectively identifiable mechanism, and most neurosurgeons agree that PT won’t help improve any of them. All of my pain has biologically useful function: it is telling me that activity is hurting damaged nerves, and hurting damaged nerves is always bad. So is hurting RSD damaged tissue. But I was fighting work comp, and the professional whores they hired all agreed that I should have PT. The only reason they wanted me to do PT was that they knew I couldn’t succeed and then they could try to blame me for not getting better: If I really wanted to get better, PT would have helped, so I obviously didn’t want to get better. My lawyer told me to play the PT game, but I refused. I was not going to cause myself unnecessary pain just to make some physical therapists believe I was trying to get better. Most of the time when they told me to do something, I told them to kiss my ***. I even used those exact words several times. The w/c law judge had been around long enough to recognize w/c games and he didn’t buy into it. My five year battle with w/c finally ended when he ruled that I was too disabled to attend hearings. That was after several physical therapists had labeled me “non-compliant”. Thank God for an honest w/c judge. When I was hurt in 1995 I was pretty sure physical therapists were too overconfident in their ability to fix everyone; after six months of dealing with them, I knew they are downright dangerous. They hurt people with nerve damage, they hurt people with RSD, and they are just too damn arrogant to understand that. I’ve been wanting to say this ever since used to be posted Grrrrr……no more physical therapists, but had to say it now because I’m convinced that PTs are the least emphatic, least helpful people we will ever meet. Yeah, there are exceptions, but for the most part, they suck…Vic BTW: *** stands for that part of the anatomy we sit on. |
Vic
Reading how you feel about PT you probably woudn't believe that my PT told me a few months after my accident that she was sure I did not have RSD because only weird people get RSD and I did not fit that:winky: Because I did not know what RSD was I didn't check into it and it was several more months before a Dr. told me I had it, too late. When the Dr. read how much PT I had he told me it hurt more than helped. So here is to all us weirdo:cool:Carose
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