Black hole
 

I always loved my beer, experimented with drugs, still smoke pot... But I'm bipolar and my first tip-off that I was going manic was that I would stop off for a beer and end up coming home after last call...

I was drinking (heavily) on my meds, and the incidents became more frequent. Not good for a marriage. I was drinking at home too, but my husband didn't have a problem with that cuz he's an arm chair alcoholic. We got into a lot of fights over it, and I ended up leaving him.

I had side effects from my bipolar meds, and went off them. Then I went on a real tear for a couple of months, hitting the bars most nights or drinking at home alone. I did some things I'm not proud of, including getting a DUI.
I was living with my father in a bad situation, that didn't help.

I ended up slitting my wrists and OD'ing. I spent 3 days in the hospital, then was forced to voluntarily commit myself for a couple of weeks.

I've reconciled with my husband, but after a month dry I've been having a few beers on occasion.
I don't drive. I have court on Thursday for the DUI and am going to plead guilty. I spoke to the prosecutor and he said he would recommend a shorter suspension and lower fine, but it's up to the judge. I'm nervous.

I know I shouldn't be drinking because I'm an alcoholic, the meds, court... but it's hard...

Kay

I know it's hard, real hard, but it IS possible if your heart is in the right place. I am a firm believer that everyone has their "own personal rock bottom" and it is different for everyone. I hope you find yours soon as sometimes that is the foundation that you can rebuild your life upon.

I got a DUI back in 2011 (sitting in a parked car) and it was a LONG process to gain the privilege of driving again. I lost my license for a year, had a restricted license, paid the heavy fines, did the State classes, had the breathalyzer in my Land Rover and then had to gain the trust of my friends to even get in a car with me.

Sucks.

It will be OK.

God, I hate to think that THIS isn't rock bottom...

My husband thinks I should lose my right to drive forever because of all the d/d I've done in the past. After a lot of silence, anxiety, and anger I told him he needs to let the state punish me first. A year's a long time.

How did it go today kay?
bizi

Thankfully, I got the minimum.

I posted a long reply on the BPD board.

as with everything
"on day at a time"
i understand
in the end only You
can take care of you
with much support for you
i understand
me

Any thoughts?
 

I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I don't have a real positive update and don't see much point in being a downer. But in the past 2 months, i have experienced a worsening of my PN symptoms. Fortunately, it's not what I would normally refer to as "pain" so much as something more "pain like" and increased numbness, muscle twitching, and very difficult to describe sensations that most of you can probably relate to, I'm sure. In previous posts, I have described how I quit drinking in July of 2013, then experimented for a few weeks a year later, then dropped it again. My discomfort is considerably worse than when I was first tested by the neurologist in January, 2013. I have an annual physical the first of May and would appreciate any suggestions on topics I should discuss with my regular Doc. I plan to ask him about massage, acupuncture, infrared, and other stuff I am sure he will say are unproven. I suppose i could even ask him about weed, it's legal here for medical use. Any thoughts? Mrs D? Icehouse? Wide-O? Anyone? Thanks!

You should probably post your own thread so that everyone can see your topic and respond. I wish I could help, and hope you get some good tips.

i posted here by mistake, sorru bout that.

a moment of clarity from a friend
 

your post here i would like to think is divine intervention

my name is Eva
i am a recovering alcoholic and addict
it been since a rough difficult road
i entered AA 1990 got sober in 1992
my hands were the first to have a feel
very difficult to explain at first
and then my feet
and this all began after cervical fusion
failed to fuse the first time after the second
surgery that took my life as i knew it
my physical being will never be the same
my hands and feet progressively are worse as time passes
i do understand
this wasn't a mistake
i type with an eraser head on a pencil
it is getting to where i want to tape it to my fingers
i drop everything
everything
i hope and pray for the miracles to come
as i cannot take anything for my neurological problems
as i am allergic to the slew of meds used
it was the demon drug Lyrica that helped
4 tablets forget how many mg
but suffered severe side effects
blisters in mouth
heart palpitation
trouble with vision
and when i stopped that particular drug
my hand and toenails all had indentations
that eventually grew out
my skin around my 20 nails have never been the same

i have come to this forum
as a recovering addict that has
a full understanding as a member of the fellowship

i spoke yesterday to a fellow member and friend
who i met entering the rooms back in the 90's
it's been a long time
as he is back in the rooms and remembered me
we spoke for a long time
and was reminded how very important it is
especially with all that is going on
and how important it is for me to be heard by my fellow AA
Community
to get myself back into the rooms
to get the emotional support for all the
things that are out of my control
i needed to be reminded how much i have to offer
now a doctor induced addict
you may wonder what the hell am i talking about

well to have worked so hard
for if i had a choice to pick my drug of choice to be
in that mind altering state
it is A L C O H O L
that recreational 3 drinks
that warm fuzzy feeling
at the end of a long work day
waitress full time
10 hrs nights
tuesday night till sunday morning
my regular schedule
sunday and monday my nights off
this went on for 12 years along the way
many ups and downs
always single after divorcing at the age of 24
with a 4,2 and 3 month old
never looked back
a absent father a dead beat father a scorned man
that lost sight of his children
for his anger over divorcing him was a decade of hell
but i had my fellowship a strong founding community

so my friend Michael says to me
Eva you need to get back to the basic
"LET GO AND LET GO"

after having Corissa my forth child out of wedlock
with a married man in the fellowship
there is a phrase that is used when new comers are at a vulnerable state and is wooed or rather "thirteen stepped"
needless,
at 3 1/2 months Corissa became ill and had two kidney
surgeries in her first year of life
25 days in the hospital and then transferred to a different
hospital as her disease specialist Dr. Lamacia saved my babies life finding the correct cocktail of antibiotics that kept her infection at bay for a year so she could build a immune system

now my point is at this time i slowly stopped going always
practicing what was given to me

as i lost my privileges to drinking

always just looking for the feeling of those first three drinks
gone forever for it is the first drink i needed to stay away from

this did not mean all was well as i was getting well those around me could not manipulate anymore

as time went on
and things went on
my involvement with my fellowship dwindled to no meetings at several years

and then i got sick
my teenage children turning into their 20's
now in their 30's
are on their issues with me
this mommy was always the go to parent
as their father chose not to exercise his parental rights
this story iv'e already spoke of over the few years here
with you guys

my friend reminded me i don't have to go through this alone

O.K. what is "T H I S"

i am in a place where i MUST take my medicines
heavy duty ones OPIATES evil when abused this i have not been in such a situation
I respect and understand addiction
again my choice of drug would be ALCOHOL
it tears me up to be on these very powerful drugs
i know i must take them to relieve my mechanical pain
something that never had a chance to heal properly
very long story
but the beginning of a very depressing road like never before
and then my cancer
and that botched job
my family not seeing my pain as it is
taking advantage of me when i'm down

i have custody of my grandchild
this too a long story
spoken about in this community
on other threads
i think i'm talking proper computer lingo

i will post this now unsure if there is a limit to letters

...continued...
 

so like i said
at a point i in the past two years
rarely will i go and when i do it is my home
group
my character defects
do arise during my worse of times
pain anger resentments all alive again
and it is in my fellowship that reminds me
how i live on a day to day basis and how i handle myself in the day and know how very important i have remained sober
I NEVER GET HIGH ON MY PILLS
i take them as prescribed and my pain specialist, shrink
and oncologist all know of my use of cannabis and are understanding how it helps and are okay with it
my fellowship also knows

and today i will work with my friend willing to drive me to meetings but also offered to bring me home

just for today
i will make things better
by becoming the person i was
Awesome
just for today i will
LET GO AND LET GOD
AS I COME BACK
to thy self be true
me

Eva,

I am glad to learn you will be attending the must needed meetings. Do you have a sponsor?

You may remember, my adult daughter (cocaine addict) has been drug free since 1997. Without these meetings; this would not remains as it is. She is well aware of this. My daughter often speaks at meetings. Her first sponsor (passed away) was a very important figure in her life. My daughter still repeats what she learned from her. At the present, my daughter has another wonderful sponsor.

All you wrote is so on the "spot". This is an area which I have not read your previous posts being so intense and so aware ( not only of pain) of what is needed for your recovery. Not drinking is not the only solution; but as you have written in these past two posts, you seemed to have nailed what you need to do for self improvement.

I pray you will continue with the meetings and the fellowship which is so important. This may be the "key" to help relieve some of the "dark hole" you have been in.

Love & Prayers,:smileypray:

Gerry

to my very beautiful friend

never have you abandoned us
you are instrumental and continue to be present
really listening
for that i say thank you a thousand times
i want you to understand that
Corissa is doing much better in her program
and going to both fellowship
she is a cutter
the home front is in a horrible storm
as a different child of mine just did a 28 day program
was released to go on to the next step rather she picked up
and made the mistake of not staying at the halfway house for the additional 6 months she left after 2 days and thought she would be able to stay here
the hardest thing to have to turn your back on your child
and she is not a child anymore she is 30

life my friend is a constant something going on
and it is never a small issue

wouldn't you know
of all time passed
my estrangement with my eldest
but my Son called me
after being estranged from him for several years
and was happy as cannot explain
but what he did say to me is that
i am a good mother
and that yes your grown children are mean and blank holes
to me over the years and said his sorry and that he loved me
and that he would begin to pay bak all the monies taken by him

he is maturing and making amends

you have never been judgmental
and i thank you for that

i will continue to force myself
and return to my home of the fellowship
let go and let God
this is where i knew there was a GOD
AMEN!
thank you beautiful lady
loving with prayers of miracles
me

Eva, you are a strong willed woman;
now you have taken it to where is best place
to be.
LET GO; LET GOD !!!!!!!

Please continue with the meetings;
I have seen it work. Although my daughter's
choice of drugs was cocaine; she still introduces
herself as a drug and alcohol addict.

Thank you for the news about Corissa; I have
always said......"Corissa will make you proud".

I wholeheartedly feel you are on the "right track".

Eva, you and your family are in my daily prayers.


Gerry