start with blessings next my recovery
 

hi
my name is eva
i am a recovering alcohol and addict

i was i deep thaught about this
and in the end i figured if allowed
as i speak of myself
my experience strength and hopes

as i believe i am in the correct forum
my situation does not allow me to
be at my regular 3 times a week meetings
with my fellowships for quite sometime
the one meeting i maintained or always will be the
meeting i would always be at
and that meeting is on sunday morning 9:00 A.M.
my home group
the very First meeting i went to when i entered into the
fellowship A.A.
and ironically the first person to welcome me to the
fellowship is my youngest child father
i have four children
3 girls and a son
ages 34, 32, 30 of my marriage
my 17 year out of wedlock
2 of my children are having a very difficult time with
living life on life terms
both too are addicts as my 2 other children
are recovering
all four of my children
they watched their mother get sober
i entered the fellowship in 1990
didn't get sober until 1992
as life situations at the time of my 4th child
became very ill spiking a fever off the charts
truly off the charts
i stood in the hospital shower to bring her
fever down
in the end a disease specialist
Dr. Lamacia found the cocktail antibiotics
she needed to be on till her immune system
could build and had 2 surgeries in her first year of life

and the following 16 years just got worse as my eldest
had her first grand maul seizure in 2003
a vibrant smart college student and worker
all seized as she knew her life to be
i was there for it ALL she still lived home
and was dating her high school sweetheart
now married after two brain surgeries partial occipital lobe
removed as that is where her seizures would begin
after removal we needed to wait and see
and for her to have permanent loss of vision
and to have her seizures to have returned then
had what is called a VNS a implant of a devise placed
in the chest underarm area and a magnet on her wrist
to wave over the implant when a seizure begins
it reboots the brain
yup
at her side till she got over her 10 year depression
we are now estranged
then i got sick
i have custody of my grandchild for obvious reasons
mom and dad addicts
estranged with her
and my son just started to reach out after being estranged
after stealing from me

SO

i was hoping if there might be any one out there
who is in the fellowships i could invite as it is so so
very difficult to get out to a meeting

it took a friend who reminded me of so much
i have been missing from my fellowship
that i know what i need to do is surrender
and
LET GO AND LET GOD
will post and continue....

....continued
 

there only needs to be another person
who is willing to have a place to share
and how it affects their sobriety
on a daily basis
my daily life physically is pushed to
the limit
and when i am up for the challenge
i kick butt
only to pay for it the next couple of days
and be upset for it did not have to be like that
it is a terrible place i am at
no meds for nerve related problems
been through way to many to list
now in the middle of withdrawal from
Effexor
my medicine intake is as follows
only for pain meds opiates
meds for cancer
meds muscle relaxers
meds xanax
cannabis for hands feet upper right back, NAUSEA
ALL DOCTORS on the same page
as i keep nothing from them
or my family
it would be awesome
just for today
i turn over my will
me

Dear Eva,
You go through such a lot every day and you find the Strength to share with us, your Friends.

So, from me to you - for the first time to anyone:

In the '80s I drank and smoked (illegally here) to 'cope' with pain and severe Anxiety issues. This was on top of popping beta-blockers like Smarties. This was daily, but I was never an alcoholic, it NEVER affected me my tolerance was so high, but I had no cravings or withdrawals. I just got mentally relaxed with the mixture.

Staying up til 2am, I was fully straight by 7am the same morning. As the years passed heavier abuse led to nil reaction, work wasn't affected - I was even able to 'function' within small groups in the evenings as my Anxiety was drowned and smoked out.

I realised that I was consuming 2-3 times as much as before with no real effect after 7 years or so. I decided on a change, quit my job, sold my house, broke off a relationship and moved 250 miles, cutting all ties with my previous life. I haven't touched a drop, nor smoked, since. In 27 years I have only spoken to 2 people on 3 occasions from my 'past' life.

Dave.

dear Dave
thank you for sharing
i with everything going on
and to now be a S.S. recipient
and to have found the best coverage
a new drug company

i want to express
how having to go through my own physical breakdown
ruptured disc
that was the beginning of one horrific situation after another
making the conscious decision not to take my antidepressant
and am very angry of having to take pain meds
my cardiologist put me on xanax been on it during my changes ya know woman stuff
now my shrink dispenses it
one time i was on 1 mg tab 3 times a day
brought myself down slowly
to 1 tablet
he said not to be uncomfortable
and after a while i could see i needed two in my day
so bottom line i have to tell you as recovering alcoholic
my choice a drink it kills the pain at a low cost
as i just learned having to find a drug plan part D
my one pain med Oxycontin one month supply is
$997.00
not to mention the other meds
then the cancer
another 5 years of those
are you getting the picture
there are so many things
a slave to them
depressing
so blanking depressing
to have worked so long in
my staying away from that first drink
never to have abused my meds to date
doesn't sit okay with me

i hope i have been able to have opened dialog
as it too is my medicine for life
i am a angry depressed person
for many reasons
and i know if i do not work on it
my character defects are at their best

it has been a while since my last drink
and i would be gone if i ever thaught
i can abuse my meds

i take medicine not drugs
me

Dear Eva,
Your strength should be held up to marvel at. I, also, take medicine not drugs. I am scared of being addicted, the amount I have to take to function. I worry that my Depressive Personality Disorder and Addictive Personality go hand in hand. That is one of the reasons why, every February, I stop my pain meds one at a time for as long as I can bear, physically. It was just a few days this year, but I break the cycle.

I meant to put in my first Post - to give you a general idea of the state I was in with no physical effects - daily consumption was around 5 pints of beer and 10 double whiskys, weekends pushed up to 8 pints and 16 doubles. This was at my worst, before I quit. I now abhor the thought of drink, the smell makes me nauseated - thankfully.

We are so lucky here to have the NHS. We all pay in a percentage of salary, we pay a set fee (minimal) for each rx med for a week/fortnight/month supply, or if you are a cancer sufferer left with medical issues that need treatment you get them for free. Before this I used to pay for a Yearly Certificate - less than $160 total for 10 meds monthly for a year. I will hear nothing against our system.

Keep fighting the Big C, I am about 20 months clear so you can do it. We will battle our Depression together and the other issues and pains can all be Consigned to H…!

Dave.

good morning Dave

thank you for sharing

today i will try not to do much
as i have over done things
such as putting a table set for my granddaughter
it is made of solid wood and needed to be put together
the most colorful table and two chairs ladybugs
butterflies i will get a picture of it and have my daughter
Corissa post it
since it took all night to do
it was tough the next morning
she is so happy and grateful
sits at it first thing in the morning
and says
where is breakfast
she is so happy
worth the money
it is so well made
it will be passed on down her family
the company name is TEAMSOM
THE THEME A COLORFUL GARDEN
i will try and stay in a positive mood (that usually changes if
my child gets in that couch mood) she is to young to beautiful to not be productive
she is also 17
today i will
LET GO AND LET GOD
JUST FOR TODAY
I WILL TAKE CARE OF ME
i will hold your hand Dave
and pray

Lord
grant us the serenity
to accept the things we cannot change
the courage to change the things we can
and to understand the difference
in Jesus name
Amen

to thy self be true
me

Eva,
It is 8:55 pm here. In 5 minutes is my Special Time. Tonight I will hold your hand and specifically Meditate on your beautiful prayer for US as well as for our fellows.

Thank you.

Dave.

forgetting you are so far away and time zone changes
8 hours difference where my family is
as a Hungarian and ALL of my family resides in Europe
do not know what it was like to have grandparents
aunts and uncles on both sides
went to visit twice
i was a young girl 9 and then again 12
whatever time of the day
love and peace
one day at a time
me

it was crippling
 

again my daughter
acting up
to much drama
to much to deal with
it has got to stop
me

Trying
 

To let go and let God
Me

My disease
 

There is a very important grant I have been given
My obsession to not pick up a drink
As easy as that may sound
IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT THING I HAD TO DO
But I did it
By the Grace of God I have that obsession lifted
Was it the fellowship
Was it God
Was it me
It is all of the above
I was beaten down by a bottle
And today I am beaten down by my illness
My Meds my new character defects
I must do things one thing at a time
I must do what I must and let go and let God
I must be released of my own bondage
I must trust my GOD 100% and not take my will back
I must be responsible of persons who depend on me

Father I ask you to please allow serenity in my life
Allow your love to be felt in my being
Father allow me to break from this bondage
Grant me a mirical as I pray and still have faith in your
power to heal the sick
Allow my children to see I can make it
And be happy just turning it over to God
To rid of evil in my life
And to live life
Amen

What I know for certainty
 

My pain level is through the roof

My night a nightmare

My Meds to be taken at allotted times
Never a high

I know how far my Meds will go to cover my pains

It is the feet knees hip mostly right side
My knees out of control pain

And then there is my addiction

Already a physian induced addict
Make no mistake
Meds that people who turn to heroin or alcohol
because they cannot see a doctor
My one medication OxyContin over
ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS
$1,009.00 to be exact
That is only one of the five
medicines I take

Alcohol is and would be my ultimate choice of
DRUG

Why couldn't there be a pill of all pills in this world

Now you hear my disease talking

A pill like my three vodka martini's

Those who do drink

Understand
The first drink
You start to unwind
All those tight muscles
begin to relax

The second one hits you in a different way
You start to feel numb
From your head to your toes
Jeez Louise my feet and legs something I'm
known to be complimented for
comes from my dad
Anyhow
In my case a good conversation with drink
number two

Then that third martini
You begin to feel that warm fuzzy feeling
I can still remember

In the end
Would take a swig right from the bottle

When I recognized my privilege to drinking alcohol
was ended
I could not believe it

I COULD NOT STOP AT THREE

For the longest time
I never got
"It's the first drink I must
stay away from

Why not in a pill
What a sick way of thinking
As if I would stop at one pill

Can you hear my disease

I am one of those people who respect
My Meds
All of them

And it doesn't make it easier
As I know how it would feel to
pick up a drink
Just to get rid of this throbbing


To continue...

Pain
Last night was difficult
My knees kept me up
8:30 this morning took my
Meds

There was relief
It is still painful
As my pain in other parts of my body
also cry out in pain

My child asked to return back into
our home
The babies mother
Not to enable
But to understand respect me
and the home you asked to return to

My heart is wrenching
When I speak with her
New to understanding
taking someone else's inventory
such as mine is not the way to go
especially if we will be under one roof

Now there are three generations under my roof

I love my family too hard
there is such a thing
I will do most anything they ask
if in my power

I have much going on always
Am careful what I ask for

Both my girls will be at meetings
tonight

I too would loooooove to make my home group
meeting
It's a Sunday 9:00 morning meeting
Maybe to tomorrow
Lets see if they think about me
I might bring my granddaughter with me
To thy self be true
A
M
E
N
Me

Eva,

"Well Done my friend"
"Thank you",

Gerry

Dear Eva,

Feeling it all
With you
Always

Dave.

character defects
 

i am an alcoholic and addict
my name is Eva
always being true to myself
always receptive to a open mind
for the better of my family
and any future
if "i" cannot help myself
how can i help others
a obsession may be lifted
but what follows the work
the hard stuff
the time to be real in life
one must look at one self
and recognize that it is so much more than the lift of
drinking or drugging
i speak of personal experience
and we cannot runaway from ourselves
this is where i believe the real life long
awareness of ourselves is most important
and i need to check myself always
i hope and pray
as it is one day a a time
love
me

despite the the struggle
 

and another door opens
and it does not have to do with me

i just got a phone call from my son
to tell me he has been going to meetings
and that he knows its power
here is the kind of call
that will make my heart smile
every time i think about it
hearing the upbeat in his voice
hope
it's a wonderful thing
not expectation
that's when we run into
problems

i'm so joy filled
unexpected gifts

how great is God
knew what i needed
thank you Father
Amen

Wow I forgot I started this
 

I guess I will continue with my personal
Experience strength and hope
Around thanksgiving time
I met a new person who live two blocks away
through one of my longest relationships of thirty years
Moving into this new town
came with some truths
I had to separate myself from her
coming to find out that she has been this complete different person
What I have come to learn about her from her own mouth
was so disturbing I had to think long and hard about what I should do
I have recently helped her out in a massive way
starting with her floors to a new bed and mattress to rugs to baskets and stuff to
bring her very disheveled home together
How did I help
she asked and we made arrangements how she would make payment
I having pristine credit with sales coupons and extra savings (specials) did this for her
It started when she told me she "never slept"
on a new mattress ever in her life
That it was always hand me downs
i felt badly
after agreement this is what i agreed to
she would pay for the item off completely on the next bill due
she too lives in this building
And I have mentioned to her before
A huge blowout over my granddaughter
And three years later at my door asking for forgiveness
Giving our relationship another try
and to have learned of some of the things she was asked to do
such as being asked by the management workers to go to certain people's apartments
and listen at their door
When she told me this
I was floored
Could not believe what I was hearing
At the end of the day
She had to live with herself
I did not want any part of her since then and some additional things I learned
A homophobe as I have two gay children and love the regardless
She passed judgement about my children
She a mother of her only son the same age as my daughter Christine
I was slowly stepping back and out
Back to this new person I met
Having coffee with her in her now put together new home
as her son bought her a very much needed couch
add to the new look helping her paint some pieces of furniture
in sitting position with my pain now in retrospect do i not regret helping her with a fresh start
It was when meeting this woman in her apartment
i was floored what she had to say about this new person when she left
I exchanged numbers with said about her
It is so disgusting
I won't repeat it
I just told her
Do not say another word about her
I can judge myself when in her company
Thank you very much

It turns out I needed to separate myself from her as she is an active addict

I have been supportive

The moment she was called on her crap by me
She then began taking my inventory
As if she knew me
She had no clue what I am capable of
cutting her out of my life that abruptly
I have to step away from any stressors in my life
Removing both of them hasn't been the end

The last message was
Eva I just want you to know
how instrumental you have become in my life
in such a short time

I listened and thought I cannot do this
I have enough going on already

Having learned this long time friend
is now faking psychosis episodes
such as smelling fire
how she seen people falling from the towers
a blatant lie just to
receive SSI now taking drugs was enough for me
Get the picture
Here I am clearly going through physical visual at that
And here is the kind of behavior one will go and do so "NOT" to work
this has been her history

I crave my missed job
Out in the world
And now she collects
gets health insurance(something I believe everyone should have regardless)
and working watching an elderly lady in the building and does not report it
A liar
A thief
A sick individual
And as for the new friend
I too stepped back
I am not going to allow myself the opportunity and eliminate any evil doings in my life
I do not want no part in it
It felt good to help
But I was "used"
And i didn't see it
I keep to myself
And management knows not to
F with me
This I keep to myself
This I needed to do for my
Sobriety
One day at a time
One situation at the time
I give others the benefit of the doubt
And concentrate on me
Love
Me

Here we go
 

It isn't enough I have to take care of my grandchild
But for mother and father to ignore what is necessary for her
to go to the bathroom and have wipes to use and antibacterial to use afterwards
What is wrong with them
Last week the father takes fifteen dollars from the measly amount he gives in a week
May it be fifty a week that would be magic
What does he do
Take from the daughter because he needed money for a cab
to return back home
I told my daughter when he comes to pick her up today to use the fifteen he took and get a box of wipes and two bottles of antibacterial
This I repeated over and over again
I spoke to her at seven this morning remind her
He comes to the door empty handed
My youngest so lazy it sickens me
Allowing her girlfriend from S. Carolina
For a couple of days over my watch
She would have left the home for this girl
I am just beside myself with the turd thrown my way
It is beyond beyond
Heaven forbid I be selfish and not put up with it
I am threatened with abandonment
This I have gone through over and over and over when I was depleted of everything
And now this
How much more Father
How much more
Take it all
Please allow me some happiness
No one thinks that for me
I am expected to do dodo
I can't anymore
I just hurts so much
With everything going on
How does one let go when things are repeated over and over and over again
Push to the breaking point
That is what's going on
I have to be it all
Now with my granddaughter with me all her life
Except for the first three months she was fostered
Yes I faught for her
No of this is her fault
And I am trying to keep my head together
All without a drink
Let me
Let go and let God
Amen
Me

turning my will over
 

to me my higher power be
God
who sent Jesus
who nobody
but nobody can deny
he was crucified
and on the third day
today
rose from the dead
and ascended into heaven
seat at the right hand of
Our Father
thank you Jesus
in You i trust
who willingly went to the Cross
our sins debt in full
thank you Father
i will not allow evil to prevail
You have a job for me
and i shall continue to be the best role model
possible
grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change (others)
the courage to change the things i can (me)
and the wisdom
to understand the two
on this Holy day
may we never forget
there was a man
who walked this earth
and his name was
Jesus
much love to the world
me

My mother
 

Strange it was to hear her admit she is
a physician enduced addict
Never she said in a million years would she think
she would begin to see the abuse and the outcome
She is not capable to be without the pain meds
But the Xanax she is using also given to her by her cardiologist
has allowed her to get out of control
Her ex-husband who has for to five glasses of red wine a day
is his way to calm with the stuff that makes his heart go into arrhythmia
But my mother is on so many different meds for many valid findings
Atrial fibrillation
Rheumatoid arthritis
Lupus
Vascular
Mechanical knees replacement
And on and on
Calls me to say how she misses her family she pushed aside
Told her my door was always opened
I was something she chose to do
But is now crying to my youngest sister
And she never turned her back on her
And I needed to remind her of that
My youngest sister has always been there
My mother had her in her grip for many years
She is feeling lonely
Told her to come spend a weekend with you
daughter granddaughter and great grandchild
This is what I had to offer her
We shall see
No expectations
In Jesus I trust

Another week
 

As the symptoms are beginning to subside
I will wait another week before I reduce the morning intake to a quarter rather than the half
That was to much the first time around
And I was careful having introducing my body to
the DEPLIN
It will be a wonderful thing if I could get this drug out of my system
But I am determined
As my defects are something I try real hard to keep in check
I will remain to be vigilant in my sobriety
The obsession lifted
Grateful
But remembering it all IN the DAY
Not what happened yesterday
Or what tomorrow will bring
Only one day at a time
By
Letting go and letting God
me

i am so proud of you eva. i know that you are a kind and strong person who will continue to succeed and make a difference in this world. you already do by helping me deal with my brothers addiction. just knowing you care and understand and helps me get through each day too. i also believe in one day at a time and to let go and let God. not only in dealing with my brothers addiction but with my own emotional and physical health issues. i just focus on the today. it's all i can control and deal with at the moment. thanks for the inspiration and great advice. sleep well my friend.

and these be my rewards
 

thank you so much
it means EVERYTHING to me knowing i have lifted ones Spirit
it is worth every bit of living this incredible journey
i am now sharing on almost a daily basis
my experience strength and hope
your brother will go through
whatever it is HE will put himself through

YOUR HEART
not giving yourself credit too
is of kindness and willingness to reach out
as he IS you brother
someone you grew up with
knowing each other as only siblings do

if i can help put a smile in your soul
it was God, my Brother who advised me
and they come from my being
you have gifted me with what i hoped to be
a woman who by example can empower someone else
IS a
GIFT in return
many soft gentle hugs
love
me

note
i begin my writing in the morning on what is called an iPod
having written most of my first response to you was thrown into cyber world
as i plugged it in for a charge it wiped it out
i was given another chance to write
do you get where i am coming from
without throwing religion in the equation
but i believe there are no mistakes
when one has no intentions of hurting another
in Jesus "I" trust
this i know you know
me

It is week six
 

The symptoms of withdrawal
Is mostly lifted with the decrease of my morning
intake of 1mg to .05 cutting it in half six weeks ago
Wiping my brow
Oh my goodness
I have decided to wait
Possibly two to three weeks
Staying steady with the decrease
What a horrible drug
And a extremely dangerous one
when mixed with alcohol
This is what brought me into the rooms
And I stuck it out long enough for it to bite me
Once bitten there was no stopping
One day at a time
And turning what I cannot control over
to my higher power
In Jesus I trust
It can be done
One moment at a time
And people in and out of network
that are gifts
As they are ready to lend a hand
All of it
One day at a time
One situation at a time
One question at a time
Here today
sober
Love
Me

To have the courage to move on
 

Moving on
Leaving what I cannot do anything about
And not to look back
This is what was happening to me
when in my deep dark abyss
The reel would play over and over again
This isn't fair
I would tell myself
No way could God be listening
The fact of the matter
I wasn't in my right mind
And needed to work real hard to
Let go and let God
Let go and let God
That is how easy that was
Once I could see what I already knew
How easily I let go of my Father
Leaving what I cannot do anything about
Yet I must confess
This time around
I had to let go of my kids
The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life
I really mean that
Not having them in my life is sad
Very sad
One of the most painful things in my lifetime

I remember leaving my home
How dramatic it all was
Prepared I thaught I was
So much innocence
Wasted
Not
I have become to understand
I have zero control of destiny
Ok do not know why my body decided to break down when I did
This was tough
But do have the courage to move forward
Now in a much better place
Only can be done
One day at a time
With courage
Love
Me

My Father's Day wish
 

This early morning
My child
My beautiful child
My granddaughters mother
The smartest on so many levels
But is a hard-core addict
Calls me to wish me mom a happy Father's Day
This is what they did since as young as they understood I was mom and filled in for a absent father all their lives
Appreciated I will confess is the only thing I look for
Happiness is all I wish for them with Heavenly Father in their hearts
I invite her to the pool only to find out she is already high
It be 6:30 in the morning and had gotten off of work
And
Got high
Something I picked up immediately
Broken hearted I am

On a more positive note
All my children have a fun day planned all together to "action park" worried ill be but they are together for the first time since Christmas
Heavenly Father bring them closer together with Your name on their tongue in their hearts and mind
Let them talk out addiction
All of them have had contact with one drug or another
My youngest getting clean for she needs to clean up for work
And the possibility of urine testing
Spoke with my eldest child about that
Asked her to honor it
I am saddened at the hold it has on her

My middle sister calls after a good few months
called as if nothing ever happened
Okay by me
If it be her way of contact
I have two younger sisters
One two years younger then myself
And my youngest sister is nine years younger

It was a lengthy conversation
To hear that her second husband a addict
So bad on dialysis and found to have four pints of vodka in his backpack
Already had a liver transplant
Was dropped from program as he could not sober up
He still breaths till he compleatly destroys his body
The hold is so strong just recently
His exwife who he has only one child
died of a massive heart attack
while in the hospital to insert stents as there were blockages
Her symptoms were shortness of breath
Point
The father my sisters husband is so deep in his addiction
I understand what the alcohol does
After your first three drinks
You begin to literally go numb
A quiet man when no altering chemicals are in his body
A clear indication social contact is difficult
And a few drinks thrown back help some come out of their shell
This is something I am familiar with and have it in my own family

For my beautiful child to need to get high
And not for the reasons I just described above
She a very outgoing person
When she was a baby I called how she would be a challenge
Was so friendly and innocent as a child
Scary
But true
So this is my start for the morning
Praying and hoping she does not continue to get high
It is not alcohol that comes in later
So sad
So sad
Yet I must pull all together
And we will be at the pool today
Even if just four a couple of hours
I know there are many who understand
the sadness and frustration

You wonder what would it take for them to go through to get it
My sisters husband does not live with her or my nephew
And his son has now no mother and a father wo isn't going to get clean and sober
He will be left alone no parents or siblings
How sad is that
Me

That phone call
 

1:30 in the morning
"I cat take it anymore"
This from Eva father
She is in a very bad way
When I called her
She made no sense
You could not understand a word
My youngest picking up two days ago
I am helpless
It seems so hopeless
I have become what in this all
I am their mother
And cannot do a f*****g thing
Just got that call
I cannot reach her
She isn't answering the phone
This all just S.U.C.K.S.
It crushes me
I cannot do a damn thing

hi eva. i'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. i will pray that everything will be ok. love and hugs.

Mother returned
 

She left yesterday
And with many prayers
May she not give up
And not walk out
It is very far in distance
Close to a three hour ride
She should be there for a year
And then after care
Hope and a prayer
Me

I pray she finds the strength to stay this time Eva :hug:

And to say
 

I am greatful to have been a alcoholic addict
It be a disease that captured all my babies and before them my family line
My father and my mother enabled him she had her own MONEY was her addiction still is but takes lots of meds and abused some of them
Her marriage to him was
Fatal and toxic
Then
I look at my granddaughter and wonder
Can she be the one who escaped the disease
Everyone of us
Those active
I canÂ’t say or name one in my family
Active
A mother phycian induced
Myself physically physican induced
(Unfortunately the night I got up to go to work was the last day it was the old me
Since my very first experience taken to the hospital that early morning there is not ONE experience From that moment
I beg
PLEASE HEAR ME
NOT ONE EXPERIENCE since then has been without incident
If it it was from neglect unsure not enough experience
Not caring not listening sexually violated in what is known to be a reputable well known hospital
Hackensack University in Bergen County NJ
To the botched job I live with evident to the eye
ItÂ’s called double bubble wonÂ’t let anyone to touch me with a knife
And it hurts
The pictures of the neglect all causing my body to be on so many medications and how many they would have me on if I didnÂ’t fight them one drug in particular that hurt me permanently was lyrica
Like candy
Did not hear me
This one of four neurologists I have been to
I reacted
He didnÂ’t listen
Oh the stories)
ItÂ’s hard to have accepted all the neglect
The persons
Nurses doctors and to not know
The work it takes to stay sober
Not go the easy way
For me
A couple of drinks would do her job
And lighten my spirits
I start to laugh more
The pain is numb
How do I tell my child
Look at the world
There is something very wrong
Something missing in the human spirit

I recently said
ItÂ’s not the internet or computer I take issue with
It is the cell phone
It cause the world to stop and take shortcuts in every aspect
You cannot find a pay phone in this city
And the act of having to come home and listen to the messages of those who were trying to reach us
The act of not having the phone glued to the hand
And all the apps
No no no
Come home after a productive day and then listen to the messages find the time to sit and return the call
Does anybody understand my point
The core of where it changed
Like that over night
All of it premeditated by the ones who like messing with other peopleÂ’s minds
A mind game if you will

How do I tell my child
That my sanity is dependent of my faith in a better world
Promised if I put my faith into a better place mentally
What do I pray for he is missing most in the hearts of us humans
Who ore on a path and have no clue

It is in ones sadness pain and sorrow does one reach out to Heavenly Father for guidance
And we are never ever failed
As they are the promises
Seek and we shall find
Ask and receive
Knock and it will open

Open up you mind
Heart
Spirit
And know he is real
In Jesus name
Amen