Sigh. Need insight again.
 

Our relative...who is in her mid twenties has been going through a rough patch.

She has been dx'd BP 1. (Bipolar) She had one evaluation in her early teens and the result was mild Aspergers, however, both her regular psychologist and her reg. psychiatrist who had/have been seeing her for many years disagreed with this. No doubt about the BP, but I wonder about the Aspergers sometimes. Doesn't entirely meet criteria, but I can say her social skills are very weak and she often is anxious around people. She doesn't see her former psychologist or any psychologist anymore. She never remembers to show up for her appointments.

She continues to associate with others who are just unkind people. She herself, is usually very nice. She can be moody, but has a kind heart. She was often grouchy with my husband and I in the past, but I made it clear to her that if she wanted our help, she would need to curtail this, and fortunately she did. She is rarely grouchy with us today and this is much appreciated and noteworthy.

She befriended a young woman, who also has BP Disorder, but who has anything but a kind heart. They had a disagreement and while in public, this young woman, beat our relative about the head after calling her a rather vile word (just think of the worst thing you can think of ). The police were called, etc. legal stuff pending..,so I can't speak too much about this.

Questions...
We have spoken to her repeatedly about associating with others who are unkind, but she continues to do this. When you were in your 20s, did you tend to make this mistake?
We might move out of the area in a few years, but now are afraid to leave her alone.
Any advice at all? I'm forlorn and now worried for her safety.
She is also over eating very badly. Diabetes runs in her biological family. I wish she would just switch from regular coke to water and an occasional diet coke. No such luck. I guess I can't control everything...but I see the writing on the wall.

If nothing else...thanks for letting me get this stuff off my chest.

Vowel Lady,
I am not Bi Polar, I have always had Depressive Personality Disorder and severe Depression. I suffered my first extreme Panic Attack at 22.
During this time, and because of these conditions I exhibited and took part in a lot of self-destructive behaviour. Enough to deliberately wreck personal and family relationships. Even with a good career my personal and private behaviour was questionable - bordering on dangerous to escape my Demons.
It was turned around permanently by the love of a single person, and although she has been out of my life for 25 years I still have her to thank. All it takes is a word from the right person, or an event that instils maturity and things change.

Dave.

hi sweetie, just my first thought am heading out the door.
artificial sweeteners are bad for us. yes encourage her to drink water.
She could go to the doctor and have a glucose tolerance test done to see how she handles sugar.
bizi
You are a dear for writing to us. I would encourage her to use this forum, we might be able to help her.Unless she sees something wrong she will continue down this path. unfortunately all you can do is provide support as you are able.
What about therapy? for her? for you?
for both of you?
just a thought.
sorry it is hard watching someone repeatedly making bad choices.
bizi

Thank goodness the legal system got involved.
That might help your relative see the seriousness of how she deals with people -- cop episodes are best avoided and it good that your relative is safe and perhaps is becoming aware of being more careful

If you have any say so, get her tested for an A1c or a two fasting blood sugar level tests. Results will be good indicator of diabetes/not diabetes/
Diabetes does tend to run in families but I have also noticed that some people in those same families having a better set of genes than others in the family.

Please encourage her to drink diet coke/pepsi/whatever if they help her. Or if she is insisting on eating more calories than she needs, ask her to add some foods to her day as sometimes it it easier to add foods than to take away foods.
Maybe she can start eating more veggies for example. Weight watchers encourages added fruits (but that does not work for everyone as I know ti does not work for me -- more sugar when in the form or anything else, can upset my calorie day by making me more hungry.
I did enough stupid things and as far as I am concerned, I was lucky.
I was different from most in that I was incredibly shy.

If those stupid docs, will not consider Aspergers traits, then tell them to look at personality disorders.

My hope re diabetes is that scientists and public policy people are working hard to fix people.

BTW, her blood sugar is less of a problem than her overall weight. If she can reduce her weight by eating sugary things, she will still have improved her health. If you can, encourage her to eat less of whatever "crap" she has been eating.


M

Dear VL

Not much to add to what the others have said, re: whatever you can do/say that she responds to, to encourage her to watch her weight and physical health. I'd say even small superficial gifts that nurture/honor the body might be good for her... perfumed bath soaps if she enjoys those things, a good hand or body lotion, a gentle face tonic especially if she wears makeup... little things that say, "I care about your body; your body is worth caring about". Also compliments on parts of her that are particularly nice... if she has pretty eyes, or hair, or looks good in a certain outfit.

Re: associating with bad people. I did my share of that, especially out of low self-esteem. With me it went past my 30's and even a little into my 40's, where I might have a friend or partner who turned out kinda toxic, and rather than walking away, I'd stick around out of a sense of (I realized later, misplaced) loyalty.

Self-esteem causes a lot of women especially to stay in friendships or relationships that are unhealthy, where they might be taken advantage of or tread upon. The exact patterns of mistreatment or disrespect vary from person to person.

Perhaps the best thing you could do in this regard is try to help her build up her self-esteem. It's something she'll have to work out, but you can help by affirming her in the good things she does, and letting her that you are on her side. You probably do this already. I think this might be more helpful than pointing out she is making bad choices. Pointing out mistakes, while constructive criticism, is criticism. It reinforces the idea that one is not good enough, and not capable. As to that, you could perhaps ask questions about new friends... ask her what she looks for in a friendship. What does she need from others? What does she enjoy in others? This might encourage her to think more of her own needs. By showing her that you care and respect her needs and preferences, it might help her reconsider her worth in a positive light.

oh you offer such wise advice waves...and this is why we missed you so much!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

A positive update...
A one year restraining order was granted. We are all relieved. Very stressful.
Took our relative to lunch the other day and she was very appropriate and said a lovely "thank you," afterward.
AND she has agreed to just about stop soda!!!! :) she likes water with this powder you sprinkle inside that has zero calories and tastes like strawberries. Ok, probably not the best but, in this case much better than sugar. We talked about the risk of diabetes and she actually listened for the first time. I told her in the the not to distant future, she should see the GP and run some tests related to this condition and she seemed ok with this. I'm pleased. :) Very positive several days and she seems to be at least interested in being pro active re her health.

VL,

That's wonderful! Thanks for the update! :)

waves

Wow, This is good news.

I wish your relative good luck as she makes good changes.

M

Sending you guys hugs.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I think it's great of you to be supportive. I have BP 1 and a long list of toxic "friends." I agree with the post about self-esteem, and I didn't think I deserved to be treated better by a person. It takes a lot of work to put down boundaries, and toxic people seem to zero in on me. Yesterday I got a phone call from a nitwit trying to buy my pills. I used to be afraid of hurting other people's feelings so I'd stay miserable in their company. This happened thin and overweight lol. Also, trauma and depression often is released as anger.

welcome 1-10!
bizi