'Living' With Depressive Personality Disorder
 

I have problems. In analysing my life in general, up to and including my interactions with my Friends and Members here, I feel myself spiralling deeper to the darkest of places.

Here is how I have always felt. When I perform an action/complete a thought process or mental stimulation which elicits praise or makes me feel good, I feel happiness for an instant. Then the overwhelming inkiness of darkest guilt that I should feel pleasure takes over.

Any pleasurable act or deed leaves me miserable, guilt-ridden and wondering what I had done to deserve such happiness. From the time when I was able to bear physical contact, even a simple hug - which should lead to closeness and bonding, to a Forum "Thanks", has always felt undeserved.

I feel that I am unworthy of positive attention from anyone. This is particularly hard as I have made deep and meaningful connections - true friendships - with Forum Members. Yet, even here I feel undeserving.

The chronic pain, Neurological problems, Cluster Headaches, TN et al are a constant drain many of us know to some degree. My ribs have exploded into two areas (corresponding to landing on my forearm and fist) of excruciating sharp pains when I breathe or move. I HAVE to go to the Hospital tomorrow. Obviously this doesn't help my current mood.

I have a sense of humour, I am wondering whether I find things funnier than others because I start from so low, and am stretching (but not even I could endure the tv version of Bad Teacher). Even the humour dies quickly and leaves a void. Perhaps I missed my vocation as "Sad Clown"?

So what does one do about a Depressive Personality Disorder? Therapists are out, my last two did so much damage I have no faith. Increasing my dose of Mirtazapine? Darkest thoughts abound, and I have just increased Topiramate to fight chronic Cluster Headaches which increased them more. I know I have to discuss this with my GP.

I have learned here to express my thoughts - for a lifetime I was taught that was wrong. Even as I write this, before I copy/paste it across to Post, I feel guilty for burdening and "putting it out there". Perhaps I has better share this peek into the darkness of my soul before I change my mind.

Dave.

I was concerned you'd broken a rib.
You've not had your infusion either.
No need to ever feel unworthy here.
Sometimes when in pain we overthink words and actions. I know you're not alone fighting that balance of being worthy or not worthy and a lot of people battle those demons from childhood experiences and then they're sometimes exacerbated by life experiences and pain and potential broken ribs and loss and feeling alone yet not alone and all the emotions get mixed up and there you are... feeling unsure again.

sorry, typing very fast so just went without sentence structure.

See, I spent my entire life saying sorry. Sorry this, sorry that. I don't have a diagnosis for that. I just am made that way. ;)

Lara,

The words of and interactions with my Friends here MEAN everything to me - in that fleeting instant of acceptance. It's just the messed-up brain I was born with/was moulded that robs me of that.

I am also a chronic Apologiser - even when problems patently are not my fault. THAT comes from my childhood - group punishments in the home and at school, no matter who was to blame.

Dave.

I totally understand what you're saying about being an apologizer.

I lost both of my parents at a very early age but for some reason my brain decided that it was all my fault. I then spent a considerable amount of my life feeling guilty and sorry for something that was totally out of my control and nothing to do with me. It was totally irrational to others so I hid it until I couldn't hide it any longer, but in the meantime I did become a chronic apologizer.

It was almost like saying I'm sorry I exist when others don't. I don't feel like that now.

If I see this in others I don't think of it as a flaw, I see it as a sign of sensitivity.

Hi Dave...waves you over....a lot of us understand; Feeling unworthy of "praise" and apologetic hits home for me...
It is hard to put into words but I will try...every one of us deserve praise...just getting up in the morning is not worthy for applause...your kindness to other here, your sense of humor and you Dave is worthy of, What a neat guy is Dave.
For whatever reasons, we didn't get it growing up...thus didn't get shown how to receive proper affectionate praise; try and look at it from outside of Dave, if someone else said the encouraging things you say...share their inner thoughts...you Dave would be one of the first people to say; good job; thanks for sharing...so you need to be a bit kinder to yourself...this isn't filled with holes because most of us here would say good things about you...
It will always be 'hard' to accept...it's a hard habit to stop saying sorry...especially because you honestly feel sorry...but be assured that you are worthy and that you are thought very fondly of....:hug:

Thanks Enna70,

I understand not being conditioned to receive praise of any sort in childhood. That IS a good percentage of the problem. What one deserves and what one struggles to accept are on different levels. Especially when you have a built-in Mental Illness, telling you all your life to see yourself negatively. I have problems with previous negative events still being crystal clear in my mind and impacting on my general Mood. Yes, I have had Therapy about this, it is a symptom of my illness - and being betrayed by Therapists means no fix.

However, on the Forums - except on rare occasions like this when I crack and 'share' - I strive to be only positive, beating back my Demons, shining a light from my Darkness.

I do cherish the kind words, the positive feedback that means some of my time on here is worthwhile, and I make sure to Dedicate the positive Kharma when I Meditate. Perhaps I will live my next life as a 'Happy' slug!

As I wander around the Forums I always enjoy reading your kind words and advice to other Members. This being a personal Case.

Dave.

First let me clarify...I am not a therapist, never been to therapy...etc; I just think that we need to be who we are...and that includes our 'down' thoughts ...you can't always hold back...however, as you have experienced you have to be careful with whom you share....a true friend accepts all....and a true friend knows when not to push...
I'm trying something new, instead of saying sorry, saying thank you for your kind words about my posts.
Nah, you don't have to come back a happy slug...be today's Dave; like no other Dave or guy here...:grouphug:

Dave , I hope someday those downer demons and negative voices will go away completely for you.
The Dave posts I have read here at NT seem to outshine all that bad stuff.. :grouphug:
We're glad you are here...

Dave, I don't have much to add to what others have said beyond saying that I really admire your courage.

The wisdom and compassion that you share with members here is a source of inspiration to me.

You know, this was an 'off the cuff' explanation about my mental Demons, written at a low ebb to people I have become comfortable with - strange, that, I am not comfortable in my own company. I did not expect comments, I should have known better.

It has been a bad night, ribs causing problems, so I am here early - killing time before the Hospital…

And I read these caring comments, and they make my mind feel better. So, this time, to H… with the Experts and Therapists, I am going to try to keep hold of this feeling of self-worth all day.

Thank you all.

Dave.

Please let us know how your appointment goes at the hospital this morning, Dave.

Dave
By now you'll have had your appt. and getting some help with the injuries. Hope you're feeling a little better.

Ever since I started reading your posts on the forums I've thought you are incredibly brave the way you share your personal feelings - and your darkest moments so that others might be helped. Something I haven't found the ability to do yet.

I don't know the story of your childhood but from reading between the lines here it sounds far from ideal. We're of the same generation and I think the era of our birth may have influenced the way we deal (or are unable to deal) with strong emotional issues. We were taught by example to suppress any emotions. Sorry I'm not explaining this very well.

Now is not the time for amateur analysis but please feel free to PM me if you want to discuss more. I'm off for a few zzzzzz's - catch you in a few hours.

So, I availed myself of the local services of my wonderful NHS Minor Injuries Unit. Waited for 45 minutes, busy today, filling in a form before being thoroughly checked over by the Nurse Practitioner (Love them!).

The pain in my front and side are instantly evident, from my back they get washed up in the excruciating spinal/neurological issues I deal with every day.

The dx is that I have probably cracked at least one rib. X-rays were not needed because treatment for breaks and bruises to ribs are the same - lots of deep breathing, which REALLY HURTS! And even more coughing up phlegm, which REALLY HURTS DOUBLE!!

I have a list of do's and don't's, warning signs to look out for if I nick a lung (not likely). I have this to deal with for 6-8 weeks.

All this from a fall AT HOME - a stagger compounded by a coffee table tying my feet together causing the flat-out fall. I usually collapse in stages, with any damage confined to my feet, a few bruises and my pride. Everyone should realise if it is not our bodies letting us down, then our furniture has an evil agenda all of it's own.

Dave.

Hmmm, I thought my ottoman keeps inching out into the path way...winks
Sorry about the ribs....never had that issue but to have your breathing hurt too, dang....keep us up to date....:cool:

Hi bluesfan,

I cannot explain why I am drawn to 'share' on the Forums. My Bio is more detailed than my current Medical Records, and my Demons have rarely been exposed. Of the last two Therapists I have seen, the first for Depression so deep I was near the end, couldn't 'cope' with MY dx of colorectal cancer. The second decided to 'prove' his ability and correctness by deliberately pushing Triggers until I had a Panic Attack.

These were two lunatics, though - and I was unfortunate to fall under their care. I still advocate Therapy for others as the first line of treatment for mental issues.

Now I am lucky to be part of a Community whose individual Members have the purpose of giving much more than they receive. This will be my Therapy. Some here understand the feeling I get as an Anxiety-ridden introvert, to watch and participate in multi-party conversations.

My advice to you, bluesfan, and to everyone else, is to let your feelings flow organically as you feel comfortable. After 50 years of being the Good, Staid Englishman it is nice to have a place - filled with people - where I can say 'Look At Me - This Is What I Am' without fear.

Dave

life
 

I must confess life sucks, every morning when I wake up I say to my self omg I still her. I have a wonderful husband and son that I love so much. But the amount of pain CRPS, gives me anxiety and puts me into great depression. The seizures, dizzy spells and the unknown of when an grand mal will hit me. Why so much pain. Ive been fighting for ssd for 4 years.

Hi Sophiabella,

Anxiety and Depression are both serious conditions you should be addressing with a Medical Professional. It is wonderful to have the advice and support of the Forum Members here, but that doesn't take the place of Counselling or - if needed - medications. I rely heavily on Mirtazapine to elevate my mood even slightly.

As for the seizures, the same advice applies. You must see the correct Specialist and be on the right anti-convulsant.

You have your husband and son to get better for, seek out the best treatments and enjoy your son's childhood and family life.

Dave.

I think so many of us grew up with a feeling of unworthiness; just didn't know what we were feeling was called unworthiness.

Still today; have difficulty how to respond to a compliment. I know now the words are "Thank You". Just have difficulty saying them.

I would think so many of us were not praised early on when we did well in any area. Our parents/parent didn't know how to give praise or compliments because they probably didn't receive them either. So this just gets passed on to the next generation. Hopefully, just writing about our feelings here, helps us to do our best not to continue passing on feelings of unworthiness to family members.

I know, I do not like me. Feel like I too often say the wrong thing; or too outspoken or on and on; which brings me down. Sometimes really takes some reasoning with myself to pick up and face a new day. For a little while the sun shines again. Just so difficult to keep the sun shining for any length of time. For today, I will try not to "beat myself" down.


Gerry

My feeling of self-worth I nurtured yesterday was shot to pieces by a family phone call informing me of an increased seriousness of an upcoming operation for my sibling, and a probable dx of Prostate Cancer for another close family member.

The pessimistic and self-blaming aspects of my DPD kicked in, triggering the guilt that I fought to keep my mood elevated.

In my 20's I had an IQ of 148 - battered now by Statins, other meds and Lesions - and I am as logical as Mr Spock. Yet, I cannot break the totally illogical thought processes of this Disorder, nor the Anxiety issues. How can my Mood affect another's health? Their problems would have happened anyway, and I would have still gotten the call if I was different. But my brain is broken and I have to live in it.

At least here, with other Member's Posts, interacting with friends, I can sit and type - one-fingered and one-eyed - and take 'Me' out of myself.

Dave.

Hey Dave
For many years being the "go to" person in the family (and often for friends) to sort out problems was a role I filled without second thought - that was just what you did - help if you could. For years I'd been the 'referee' between my 3 male siblings but I felt that increasingly I was being treated like the 'rugby ball' ie: kicked around. When I had to make a conscious decision to stop doing that because I needed to take care of myself, I was treated as if I had abandoned them. I have to constantly remind myself that the resulting gulf between us all is not my fault. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and chronic illness can drive your survival instinct to selfishness . . . as well as brain atrophy - IQ after five years of brain fog - 128 and falling!

Bluesfan.....I could have written your post...I am in the identical position with my 3 male siblings. I let them know I needed to focus on a current health crisis and asked one of them to step up and keep an eye on our elderly moms finances and I was met with a flatout NO. So much for being the family mediator/ "go to" person for 45+ yrs. You are right that you have to put yourself first.
You are in my thoughts.....take care, Diandra

Hi bluesfan and Diandra,

If it were any other family members I would have no problem distancing myself a little, but these fought long and hard with me to care for my Alzheimer's stricken Mum for years when no other help was forthcoming.

They are not asking for anything, it is my own projected pessimism and wanting to support as much as I can that causes problems. I have every faith in the Surgeons, Oncologists and the treatments, my brain doesn't allow me to believe until after the event.

Heck, this Thread is really pushing the 'sharing'

Dave.

PS. If I dared check my IQ now I reckon I've lost one point - the first 1 - Current reading 48:)

You are right; this Threads is pushing the "sharing". This is something I rarely do. Usually do not have any difficulty helping with advice; but other than the usual mention 24/7 pain; personal feelings are not easily discussed. I think this has brought out sharing in a good way.


Gerry

I so whole heartily feel the same
It is so important
It is so needed
Much thanks to all who share
And for the persons who would like to
It will happen
We are HERE for one another

All we need is love
Love is all we need

Me

Hi Dave,

I am about 2 months late coming to this tread, but sure enjoyed reading every post here.

Unless someone is "full of themselves" (conceited, self-centered and self-absorbed), I think we all have your feelings from time to time and to some extent. I have a lot of trouble accepting goodwill, praise, and gifts, but love bestowing them upon others that I have felt worthy of it. I think I would call it humility.

It is very difficult not to heap kind words upon someone like you that is so thoughtful, helpful, kind, and funny, to the friends made on Neuro Talk. You DO deserve each and every kindness that is offered your way. It may be hard for you to believe, accept, or enjoy, but it is TRUE. You are special.

Hi Dave,

So glad you shared your story with us. I know how difficult that must have been for you. Sharing makes us feel vulnerable, but you will find safety here. We are here to hold each up. Sharing is the way we help each other.

Hi Dave,

I hope you are having a good day today. :)
If not, that's okay, as well! :)
Acceptance here is not based upon sugar-coating anything.

By the way, your intelligence, insights, courage and compassion shine through, despite your expression of limitations/struggles. I do realize the areas of inner struggles are very real and I don't want to minimize your pain. My heart goes out to you for any betrayal or pain you have felt and/or feel.

I have recently returned to NeuroTalk. I had immediately noticed the compassion and the insights expressed in your posts to other members here.

I am glad you enjoy the NeuroTalk "tribe." It's a great tribe of which to belong! Many very strong, courageous and wise warriors here. :grouphug:

It's a treat to "meet" you.
Hope to see you around the forum.

To Our Healing!
DejaVu

Hi DejaVu,

As usual, positives in family life - Grandkids - and health issues - Diabetes and diet - are slapped around by actions and falls causing excruciating pain. Such is Life, and having the Personality Disorder, the Downs win in the battle for my mood.

Still, as long as it doesn't affect my positive interactions with all my friends here all is fine.

On a personal note, your return has enhanced further my experience the Forums, I enjoy that - like myself - you bounce around everywhere. I am glad you are able to return, I am very sorry your ongoing issues lead you to need our Community.

Dave.

Hi Dave,
I've always enjoyed the Neuro Talk group. All very good people. A well-moderated forum, as well. A nice balance. My challenges cause me to need to learn up-to-date methods of how best to manage. Whenever I do have the energy and the time to be on a forum, this is my favorite. It's a very healthy environment. :)

Sorry you are experiencing pain.
Yet, glad you can keep perspective and enjoy life anyway!

Warmly,
DejaVu

Darkness Falls
 

The Cluster Headaches have been hitting daily without respite for a week. Every morning for getting on for 3 hours, returning afternoons for another, shorter kick in the head. All I can do when the Attacks come is lay and shake, wishing I could punch through my eye, tear my brain out and smash it against the wall.

The thing is, I get warning. My left eye starts watering - tears flow - then closes more than it normally is. Within 5-10 minutes the white hot railroad spike/molten gold being poured into my brain, behind my left eye, starts and bores/flows relentlessly for hours. Then I am left washed out and nauseated for the rest of the day.

I cannot up my doses of Topiramate (Topamax) again, side effects are rough enough as it is. Titrating down, then up on a different med does not bear thinking about on the off-chance a new one would work better. Breathing Oxygen does not work for me, I cannot take deep enough breaths for it to be effective.

This is negatively affecting my state of mind to a serious extent. Projecting ahead, I know that the cold weather coming makes the Neuropathic Pain several points more intense, makes weakness worse and falls more frequent.

I am still unable to find relief in Meditative Practises, there is no pain-reduced position for my neck, arm and back. This is the worst of things and means I can never replenish my mental reserves.

Sorry to vent, I just need to get it out there to people who understand Depression.

Dave.

Dearest Dave,

I am sorry to hear you are suffering so. It's just not fair! It's so demoralizing when you can't get a break from pain. I'm surprised you don't vent more often.

Is it close to time for any of your infusions? Do those tend to help any?

I am sending healing love to surround your battered body and spirit, and hopes of relief. Here too are the softest of hugs given with the greatest affection, :hug::hug::hug:

Hi Littlepaw,

Over a week until next Infusion and they do nothing for the Cluster Headaches. I rely on my Topiramate and have already increased doses by 33% this year. It is an anticonvulsant used as a preventative where no-one knows the mechanism for it's success. The mind damaging, energy draining side effects are terrible to live with, but in this case are infinitely better than the Headaches. Problem is, add the Ketamine, Morphine, Tramadol and Arcoxia and it is only pain that keeps me awake.

Your caring means more to me than you know, although the hugs would have to be 'air hugs' of the type my daughter gives me - no human contact allowed:(

Dave.

Dave, there is no need to say sorry for venting - we have all (in different ways) been where you are at the moment.

I really hope that things improve for you soon.

:hug:

:( I'm very sorry Dave.
Please know that we're all thinking of you.

Dear Debi,

That you continually reach out to those of us who are hurting despite the rawness of your own loss should astound readers, but I have come to know a woman of fortitude filled with love and empathy.

I am grateful I now have this Forum and my wonderful Friends to share my life with. A year ago I would have ended up in a much darker place. Things are bad, but here there is distraction and actual quantifiable help.

The Air Hugs felt just right.

Dave.

I still remember the day you arrived Dave.

Gosh, where did the time go.

Thank you Kiwi and Lara,

You know my problems with 'sharing' and Therapists. Because of you all I have made great strides in my ability to communicate on a personal level. Your being at the other end of my Post makes things somewhat easier to manage.

Dave.

Still haven't found anyone else with double vision caused by a brain lesion. Still typing one-fingered with my left hand alternating over each eye as dominance switches from right to left and back at random.

The time has been spent changing me from being a total introvert and making many, many great Friends.

Dave.

Dave, the great thing about air hugs is I can send an unlimited supply. Is it getting breezy over there yet?

Okay so this is elementary but knowing little of cluster headaches I was looking at the Mayo website, the medical center not the condiment, ;) and I saw that 10mg of melatonin can decrease severity and frequency. I don't know if you take this but since all the other stuff hasn't knocked you out yet what's a little natural sleep aid thrown on top of the other tranquilizing agents?

take that Rhino down!
:hug: