Can't deal with this
 

I'm having a tough time lately and I need a place to vent, so thanks to all of you for giving me a safe place to express my feelings. Two months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible headache. It was so horrible that I wanted to kill myself, but I was throwing up so bad that taking pills was out and my head hurt so bad that I couldn't think of any other good ways to do it.

The whole episode scared the crap out of me. I went to my neurologist who did a lot of tests which all came back negative. His only solution was to refer me to a headache specialist with a 7-month wait for an appointment. I told him, "I don't think I can live like this much longer," but he ignored that statement and sent me on my way. I later called and asked to switch to another neurologist in his practice. The new guy I requested refused to see me and my neurologist dropped me as a patient.

There's been something wrong with me ever since. My mood is all over the place. I'm sad, angry, frustrated, and every little thing hurts my feelings. I have thoughts of suicide every day. I've tried to talk to my husband, but he doesn't respond. We finally had a good conversation about 10 days ago and I was very open with him about the way I've been feeling. We've been married for 31 years.

After that one conversation, he never once asked me how I was feeling or if things were getting better for me (they're not). Today, I asked him about that and he said that if I wanted to kill myself there was nothing he could do to stop me. Wow, I was really hurt, but I talked to him calmly and he finally asked me what I wanted from him. I told him I needed
someone to talk to,
to feel like someone cared,
to feel loved.
His reply? "I'll take you to any doctor any time you want to go, but I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through."

I don't understand it either. Was I traumatized by the headache combined with thoughts of suicide? Could the headache have caused minor brain trauma that affected my mood? I've lived with chronic pain and depression for three years. I'm taking Cymbalta. This is different. I don't know what this is. It's terrible. I hope I can find someone to help me soon.

Thanks for letting me share my story.

hi and welcome to the forums.
I can't believe how insensitive your husband is....I am so sorry for that.
Do you have any girl friends in real life that you can rely upon?
I am sorry that it is so hard for you right now.
bizi

Hi and welcome. You've come to the right place to talk about your feelings! Talking is important so please do that with anyone who is able to listen. Sorry that doesn't seem to include your husband.

Is there any kind of support group in your city? Church, library, hospital?
I am leaving town for several days so won't be around but please know that I will be thinking about you. :hug:

Have you had a complete medical work up lately, and maybe a head MRI etc?
Just to make sure there is no physical cause.

Thank you for your kind words. I had a MRI, MRA, and lots of lab tests after the headache, but everything came back normal.

I don't have any friends I feel close enough to talk about these feelings. My husband and kids always seemed like enough for me. I am so lucky that my adult children live nearby. I talk to them almost every day and they are wonderful, but I don't think it would be fair to talk to them about this.

I have an appointment with my pain management doctor next Monday. Maybe he can recommend someone for me to talk to. I've always been afraid that if I talk about my emotional problems to a doctor then my physical problems will be ignored or blamed on depression. Maybe I need to rethink that philosophy.

Joining this group has been a positive experience. I'm so glad I found all of you. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
Cheryl

Hi Cheryl,

I suffer from Chronic Cluster Headaches, which are often referred to as Suicide Headaches because of their intensity. You should not have been left without treatment or a dx for something so severe - although this seems par for the course for Neuros in my experience.

Keep coming here and talking, you are guaranteed to find support from friends.

Dave.

Hi Dave,
I'm so sorry that you are suffering from something so dreadful that it's nickname contains the word "suicide."
I read on another post that you were having a rough time yesterday, and yet you took time to offer me comfort.
I hope you are better today.
Thanks, Cheryl

Hi Cheryl1818 I noticed you in the t.n. forum and then here also so thought id say hello and offer an ear shoulder and support any way I can. I hope on Monday the apt you have with pain doc is all around good. I found my pain doc for me he was the one who helped the most. I DID mention my suicidal thoughts to my pain doc and because of that I was able to find the help both emotional (a pro to talk with )and also for my a.d. face pain the stimulator implant . I do get not wanting to talk with kids and family . I was the same way. I also disliked myself for how my body was not healing like my own body was turning its back on me and I was in a very dark ugly place . You have to reach out to your pain doc and every other doc you see. and also come here and talk with us we have been there each in our own way.we care . your hubby probly dose also ... he may feel helpless and clueless and his response was a bit cold but its new ground for you and its new ground for him. Finding a pro to talk with is a good idea. and also here is good place to vent find support all my sos family here are wonderful ,caring, understanding people. :grouphug: keeping you in my thoughts Cheryl. sending positive energy for rest of week and Monday to be all good days. Prayers, low pain and Peace
BMW

Hi Burntmarshmallow,
Thanks for sharing with me. It sounds like we've had some very similar experiences. Of all the doctors I've seen, I like my pain docs the best. I will talk to them about this on Monday. With this "invisible" illness, my biggest fear has always been that doctors won't believe me, even though no one has ever given me cause to think like that.

I was advised that my children are adults and they can handle difficult situations, so I have talked to both of them about my tough times and thoughts of suicide. They were both very supportive and offered to help me in any way they can. I've also been considering things from my husband's point of view and can sort of understand why he said the things he did. I am truly lucky to have them.

I'd like to know more about your experiences with tn and your pain stimulator. I hope it's doing a good job for you.

TGIF! Have a great weekend, Cheryl

yes the stim T Rex is doing well. I googled -- Trace right lateral cerebellar gliosis --and found a brood description . perhaps Dr. is waiting to see the extent of symptoms . so even tho it is invisible you should focus on the big things that affect your daily life the most and tell doctor keep emphasizing over and over sometimes its like getting a 4 yr old to pay attention and listen . I am gonna message you but wanted to let ya know I see your post here.
Peace
BMW

In the past two years or so, I've tried to talk to different doctors about my emotional problems relating to my chronic pain and what a profound negative impact it has on my life. These are the things I've said to medical doctors:

I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
I think I'm going to hurt myself.
I don't think I can live like this much longer.
I'm worried because I had a strong urge to kill myself and now I think about suicide every day.

My statements were ignored each and every time. At my pain management doctor's office this morning, I told the nurse that my mood problems were giving me more trouble than my pain problems. I told her I was having thoughts of suicide and tried to explain what I've gone through lately. She cut me off before I was finished and suggested that I get a pintrest account. Huh?

I assume that she relayed all of this to the doctor. He came in, gave me my injections and left the room. End of story.

Every time this happens, I feel like another piece of my soul has been chipped off.

I am very thankful for all of you. You understand what I'm going through and have gone out of your way to make me feel cared for. I can't tell you what that means to me.
Cheryl

I am sorry. A pain Dr. SHOULD be well versed with that topic because it goes hand in hand with chronic pain of any type ! Time to get your B on skip talking to nurse and as soon as your pain dr. walks into room with you stand up so you are face to face and say out loud... I have been trying to tell you.. then raise your voice slighly louder ..that I cant live like this . I feel like i am gonna hurt myself . With your voice still slightly loud tell pain doc you have thought about suicide and that you think about it more often lately. Then hand him a handwritten note stating what you just spoke about all the above mentioned. Hand the pain dr. that note and tell him to add that note of paper to your records . Which he should have in the room with you at time of dr visit. If your pain doctor refuses to add note to your records and dismisses you ... sister you need another pain doctor ! In the mean time ... make yourself at home in the forums here lots understanding helpful folks who care. And some of us really do know how much it meens to you. Because it ment so much to us when we found this place and someone took the time and cared . Heck I still come to neurotalk just because people care. Sorry that nurse was unprofessional . Stay strong and dont give up. Gentle hugs. PEACE. BMW

Do not fear you are not alone
 

Dear Cheryl
My name is Eva
It's been a blessing to have
found this place while doing homework
on my issues at the time
There is so much I want to say to you
First coming here as I am truthful in what I am
about to express
There are a number of doctors on my
what I refer to as the Eva train
At the moment my pain specialist is driving my train
Second if I may
Start a log on what is happening with you everyday
May it be a calendar a diary or even the old school
marble books
LOG EVERYTHING
MY ELDEST CHILD SUFFERED HER FIRST SEIZURE
IN 2003 GRAND MAUL TO BOOT
it's been a long road with that baby
I call all my kids my babies
And you are right
Despite the troubles that engulf this family
I have four children
And raising my four year old granddaughter
As how the heck I make it
Yes
By the Grace of my Father
And the people HERE
what better way to get information
from us who have
experiences strengths and hopes
I have a shrink
It's been a good number of years I'm with him
only to find after I lost my municipal job and insurance
Things changed when I became a SSD recipient
Point my time with him was not for me anymore
What I mean to say
Like I a fellowship I am involved in AA
in it I found people I had something in common with
and I wanted what they had a life without a drink
AND SO MUCH MORE OF THE GOOD STUF HAPPENS
NOW HERE AT NURO TALK
like my fellowship
Looking for answers on my botched
Two level cervical fusion
And since then had both breasts removed
Cancer in my right breast
I am involved in many forums
As they apply
If I may ask
Did you notice you mood
to have changed for the worse
CYMBALTA, LYRICA, EFFXOR, AMTRIPTALINE
And the killer that took me to the dark side
WAS LEXAPRO
You know what I'm talking about
this is just to name a few
All for the hope of relief from peripheral neuropathy
making my life a living hell in addition to
the botched surgery twice
And while I these Meds I noticed my mental
changes coming off of them messed my head up
S U I S I D E
you understand
I married young and divorced young
Having three children from my only marriage
And my angel seventeen years later
My four babies
In their mid to younger thirties
Back to point
My epileptic child never was hurt (brain)
Her problems with severe migraines started in high
school
The headache would reach a point she would seize
Long story
Be vigilant
Go to
Eye doctors
ENT doctor
Dentist you could let's just say hypothetically you may
may be grinding your teeth

Now my experience with the above mention of med
we tried for my hands and feet would put me into
suicidal thoughts horrible black hole
I am still in a terrible place with my depression on its own
Not to mention the Meds could have pushed me over the
edge
And because of this loving understanding place where I was
not the only one in this killer of a funk
Because you mentioned CYMBALTA a red flag for me

Now I have mechanical pain that my opiates cover to a point
The other problems are all nerves related
and my body rejects all

It took a long time to figure out how much of what I
should take for the other stuff

In closing as I want to go on and on
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE OR OPTION
YOU SAY YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN
SO THEREFORE YOU WILL NOT KILL YOURSELF
YOU, WE are needed and are responsible for the pain
WE inflict on others
My father committed suicide when I was nineteen
Oldest of three girls
So please stick around
You are needed
And I certainly need you
Do not be afraid your not alone
Love
Me

Dear Eva,
I've read many of your posts since joining this site. I love how you express yourself with poetry. So lyrical and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing yourself in that way.

I've had mood problems (some small, some huge) with every new drug I tried. Topamax was the worst. I kept having these little panic attacks at work that I had forgotten something important. I had to keep checking to make sure I was wearing shoes, panties and my bra. I remember looking out the window at my car and just wanting to go home and lay down in the bed where my brother died. I nursed him through lung cancer and he died in my guest room exactly 4 years ago today.

I have a list with seven names that I carry around with me so I can pull it out and read it when I need to.

I am truly sorry for everything you've gone through. I know that my problems are tiny compared with what others' are suffering and I sometimes hate myself for not handling myself better.

You deserve the highest honor in the land for caring for your granddaughter. I'm so sorry that your father left you at such a young age. I'm 56 and still NEED my parents. I'm so lucky they're both still around.

I love the thought of an "Eva Train." I hope it chuggs you through a peaceful low pain day. Take care, Cheryl

Many thanks
 

For understanding my love of and for family
Maybe one day things will be peaceful in family
life
To have lost your brother
And to experience a loss of a sibling
I'm sorry
Both my sisters need me
and always turn to me
In your loss
May you remember
Only the good times
You are needed and wanted
And never be pushed about
Make yourself heard
Nicely said burntmarshmallow
And some
You take care
And be well
Love
Me

Dear Cheryl,

Your problems are not small compared to others - we do not compare here - they engulf your life and, as such, are as important to us as they are to you.

In 2012 I was at my Darkest place and told my caring GP I was at the point of ending it. Understand I have enough meds in my house to take down an elephant and I did not, at that time, share any of my problems. I still do not know why I reached out.

Within 4 days I was in Counselling and it got me through that chapter. THAT is the caring response you should be receiving from your Doctor and the Team. Anything less than that is negligence towards one calling out for help.

Please follow BMW's advice, even make an appointment to see your GP specifically for this matter.

In the mean time, do come here and Post. We are not Professionals but we have all lived it.

I am very sorry about the loss of your brother, being a double Cancer survivor I know what a devastating disease it is.

Dave.

Eva,
As you relate the need for others to "stick around"; you have have given all the reasons you are so needed. We all need you too. It is good advice you give "Do not be afraid your not alone".:hug::hug::hug:



Gerry

Cheryl,
Please don't feel your problems are tiny compared to others; we all have our "max" time no matter what our issues are or others. The hardest thing many of us have is not being able to love ourselves. You have done and given much of yourself. You are loved.


Gerry

I just wanted to check in and say hi. Your words have helped me so much this week. Your kindness means the world to me.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Cheryl

Cheryl, I went thru a hip replacement in 2010 and it's been an almost 5 yr nightmare mess of complications from this surgery.....complications I never dreamed I'd be dealing with...went into the surgery optimistic and now dealing with the mess. There are days probably in the last year when I didn't want to be here and how would I go.....but for some reason things have changed lately. I'm trying to think if it's a new supplement or the magnetic knee support that is helping me more.... but I don't want to be propped up or wheeled around by anyone when I get much older. I see these cases and I say, not what I want. OA joints are not improvng and the thought of anymore surgery is out my thoughts. Take care.

Hoping Best For Cheryl
 

Hi Cheryl
When I was deep in the pain process, in fact beginning to emerge from it, and trying hard to resume career but experiencing loss and failure I slipped in to the severe depression at grave risk of self harm. My family was scared terribly and knew not what to do.

My lawyer helping me on work comp and SSDI was deeply concerned. He had my wife get me in front of my Pain Doc that very day. Doc got me right in to a psych therapist AND prescribed psych meds to begin the process of caring for me through the crisis.

Meds and therapy DID help me through the terrible time. The acute depression did pass. Life and family were preserved.

I am in a far better emotional place now. Not being treated with the psych meds any longer. I remember extremely well those horrible feelings of wanting to slip into the deep pit from which no one emerges. This being said, I am SO glad to be living on the other side of being at risk of harm.

Praying for you that you are able soon to get all of the care you need,
And giving hugs :hug:
M56

Hi Cheryl,

You have such hope and kind, encouraging words for others. It is a beautiful thing. I hope that you are extending that same kindness to yourself by demanding the competent care that you deserve, not giving yourself a hard time for having a hard time and finding some way to pamper yourself every day.

I went through a dark, dark time after my third surgery and felt like checking out despite a deep faith, loving husband and (believe it or not) a great teenager I still adore. It was the care of a well trained therapist that got me through it. I waited too long to get help with the depression that accompanied my pain thinking I would pull out of it. There is no substitute for a professional versed in chronic illness and pain. Mine did hypnosis and EMDR and both were quite helpful.

It is worth taking a look at your meds. Even if suicidal ideation or depression is a rare side effect it may be affecting you adversely. Cymbalta can contribute to those feelings. I had to go off neurontin for that reason. A drug that destroys your mood is not worth whatever benefit it brings when there are options without that side effect. I do better on nortriptyline, everyone is different, keep trying as long as you need to. It is not a failure.

I hope that you are finding more light in your days. There is hope and as M56 says, it is good to be on the other side. We are all rooting for you and sending thoughts of healing and peace.
:grouphug:

Much Love and Compassion to Cheryl
 

Hi Cheryl,

I hope life gets easier for you each and every day.

I, too, had wondered if you are/were experiencing med side-effects, exacerbating a sense of depression and anxiety. I have had many very strong, and very odd, med reactions. Doctors are not always very helpful and/or insightful when it comes to unexpected med reactions.

As for mood-altering meds, anything can happen. I am glad Littlepaw had mentioned medications.

I am very sorry for the loss of your brother. :(
I had lost another one of one of my brothers 12 years ago now. We were always so very close, ever since we were children. As adults, we'd called each other every day. It often seems like he passed on just last week, I miss him so.

Many people tell me I have not been the same since his passing. Like you, I was doing all I could to help my brother. I was also his health care proxy and had to sign the paperwork to take him off of life support. I am sure we each/both wish we could have saved our brothers from suffering and from passing on. :( :hug:

I am just now getting over deep grieving for the loss of my brother. It has taken a lot of time.

Chronic pain is often just "too much."
It gets worse with additional stress, grief and other challenges.

You show a gentle spirit.
Please allow yourself lots of self-compassion during your most challenging periods.

To Our Healing,
DejaVu

DejaVu,
I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. That must have been very hard for you. We're both lucky to have experienced that special bond with our brothers. It's hard to say good-bye. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
Cheryl

I truly appreciate all of you who have given me encouragement and shared your personal stories with me. You all understand what I'm going through because you've all been there. I hope every one of you is in a good place right now and if you ever need some extra encouragement or support, I'll be there to cheer you on. Kindness is the greatest gift of all and I am blessed to have received it from all of you.