Unruptured giant Aneurysm 4 years ago advice
 

Hi
I am new to this forum. Im not sure if I have come to the right place but Im in desperate need for some help or advice.

My husband was diagnosed with a giant (39mm x41mm) cerebral aneurysm from communicating artery. It has been almost 3 years since he had endovascular stent diversion. He has been going for regular checkups and every time was given good news that the aneurysm is shrinking. It has now completely gone. However his behavior has been getting increasingly verbal and has now reached violence. He does not recognize any of the behavior and everyone has given up on him. I have a 6 year old son with him ( who was 2years old at the time of diagnosis) He was a good man before this and has now become a stranger, we have separated since last year but as there is no one else he keeps coming back. I can see he is in much need of help and feel a responsibility to help but do not know how to help him when he refuses to believe that there is anything wrong as tests show it is gone and they keep telling him 'Good as new' I have showed him plenty of proof but it is not working. I have called the hospital and they tell me it is up to him to see a GP, but he wont because they tell him results are good. Im worried about what could happen to him if he does not get an assessment done to see what is happening.
If anyone has been through something similar or could offer advice in any way to get him to have the assessment I would be very grateful.

Thanks

Number one thing is keep your child & yourself safe...

I don't know if anyone might be able to record or video him in the violent state of mind?

Then play it back to him later, and also perhaps show it to his drs so they know something is wrong...
Maybe the part of the brain that affects his emotions, or lack of control, was the part that was involved in the procedure.

And perhaps something is not really 100% fixed, or some other area might have been damaged?? Might need an independent opinion..from someone other than the drs that did the procedure.

Nice to meet you!!
 

:Wave-Hello: Hello and welcome, happy to see you have come to be with us, it a great place to be. As you can see we have a great number and caring fellow members here, where you have find a supportive and relaxing place. Have fun looking into the different forums. Our shoulders are here for support in many ways.

Please keep us up to date on your condition. Again welcome, looking forward to seeing you around. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :smileypray:

Darlene :hug:

Thank you for your reply. Yes im starting to come to terms with my husband is no longer the same person and hanging in there is just delaying our lives. I still feel theres a part of me that still loves him. We planned to have a family together and then this happened and now im left all alone to raise our son. But things have gotten so crazy that it seems to be a loosing battle. I have confronted him and so has family but they have given up as he as attacked everyone. He has said he will go to the hospital if given proof. We gave proof but still does not acknowledge any of it. ( i managed to get half a voice recording and my counsellor said he is robotic and continues talking but is not listening). It is very hard to get a recording of him as you dont know when its going to happen. He goes quiet for a while and just when you think he is calm he will walk by with an insult. If you dont react he will take it further if you ignore he will take it too far (which is hard to control after relentless insults) then you defend yourself and he says dont yell as a way to turn the whole thing around onto me. But then you think it would end there but he does it all through the night too. He wont let me sleep and i cant ignore him. Yet if i tell him about it he will deny it happened or say ' i had to get those thoughts out of your head'. I am so confused by him that at times i feel he is deliberatly trying to make me crazy. I have been seeing a psychologist for myself and asked him to get counselling. He said no i am the one that needs it. Everyone has told me to give up on him but because of our son i am tied to him. I really wish there was a way for him to get checked out by an assessment but no one is helping me do that. Dont the doctors have a duty of care to explain the type of damage and recovery options? We were told your not disabled go home and your all fixed. Yet when i called them she tells me its for him to seek help obviously he cant cos there is too much damage ( which they also shouldve told us but did not it was all kept a secret)





QUOTE=Jo*mar;1163525]Number one thing is keep your child & yourself safe...

I don't know if anyone might be able to record or video him in the violent state of mind?

Then play it back to him later, and also perhaps show it to his drs so they know something is wrong...
Maybe the part of the brain that affects his emotions, or lack of control, was the part that was involved in the procedure.

And perhaps something is not really 100% fixed, or some other area might have been damaged?? Might need an independent opinion..from someone other than the drs that did the procedure.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Darlene for welcoming me. Ive never done this kindof thing before so still trying to work it all out. I appreciate your message and nice to know there is support out there. Much appreciated.

Stay Safe
 

Hi Jana82,

I am sorry for all you are going through. :hug:

I have limited time to comment this morning, However, wanted to respond.

If you are in the U.S., the new HIPPA regulations make it very difficult to communicate with a spouse's doctor. Under the regulations, a doctor cannot talk to you about your spouse without your spouse's expressed permission.

There is a way to get through though. ;)

Any doctor can LISTEN to you and to your concerns.
You may ask to speak to your husband's GP. Let staff know it's emergent.
If you are told to speak with the doctor's nurse, enlist the nurse's help. Explain, in detail, and ask for help.

If this fails, write a letter to the doctor, explaining your concerns and ask for his/her help. Certify the letter, return receipt requested. (The post office will help you with this if help is needed.)

Your calls to the GP should become a part of your husband's chart. If not, for any reason, your "official" letter will become a part of his chart and will show you have, again, asked for help.

If the GP offers an appointment, will your husband attend?

Here is another option, which may help your husband accept some help: If your husband becomes abusive/violent, call the police. I realize this may be a difficult thing to do, yet you say you are exhausted and have tried to get help for him and he refuses. You have related his family has given up. You and your child need to be safe. Your husband also needs to be safe and not escalating into doing something for which everyone may be very sorry. This is a protective measure for all three of you and also stresses the very serious nature of what's going on. (You may then explain the history to the police and to a judge or social worker, etc.)

If you feel you need police intervention, you may also go to the police station and tell them you need help. You may leave your child with a trusted friend/family and then go to the police station. They will talk with you and will tell you your options. There is often less trauma to children if handled this way, if possible to handle it this way. (Yet, please do not hesitate to call police in any emergent situation.)

If you need assistance, you may call upon Legal Aid, if it's available in your area. An attorney there may be able to help advise you.

Your local Domestic Violence hotline may be helpful in supporting you as you deal with this very difficult situation. They also often have a safe house where you and your child can go while the situation is being resolved, should you need a place.

Above all, keep your child and yourself safe.

My heart goes out to you.

:hug:
DejaVu

P.S. If your husband has made any threats of harm to himself and/or others, please also make these known to his doctor and/or the police (if you ever need to call the police). Helpers need to keep all three of you safe.
If the police intervene, they need to know in order to keep everyone safe as they try to assist.

Patient Advocate?
 

Hi Jana,

I had another thought --

If your husband is receiving care in a health care system, there may be a "Patient Advocacy" office. The advocates listen to patients and/or to their families re: concerns about care. The advocates either intervene or contact someone else able to help you and your husband. (For instance, an advocate might tell your concerns/story to the Neurology/Neurosurgery Chair Person and they may want to see your husband for further evaluation.)

Most likely, any success with an advocate would be contingent upon your husband's willingness to attend an appointment, should someone want to see him.

With Concern,
DejaVu

Hi Dejavu
Thankyou for your time this morning I do appreciate it.
I am in Australia so not really sure about how it works over here. I have already called the police a few months ago because i thought they could help. He go physical with me (first time) grabed me pushed me into the wall ( because i had asked him to not talk to me at night anymore) i was scared didnt know what else to do so i called the police. They took out an Avo and charged him With assault. They told me its up to him to seek help they only care about keeping me and my son safe. We went to court and i spoke to domestic violence advocacy. They gave me the number for the brain institute and i got some fact sheets from them ( wouldve been nice to have gotten this info at the time he came out of surgery) then i realised its not domestic violence more that he doesnt recognise what he is doing. When i asked him why he reacted like that he said you attacked me. Looking in his eyes he is convinced i had attacked him.i can tell he is convinced he did not do any wrong. After speaking to the brain institute they told me yes he wouldve felt like that and it is a common thing to happen and that if i get my husband to call them the can explain and get the assesment done to see how much damage there is. I told him he wont call but they cannot call him. He has to make the first move. Again another dead end. In the meantime hes been living with his brother (who he loves) but ive noticed everythjng that was happening to me is now happening to his brother. His brother yells alot for no reason letting neighbours hear whats going on. That hes being insulted and wants to move out of his own home and live with strangers.... i know all of this i have been there so i tend to believe that my husband is behaving eratically over there and his brothers not coping... but when i ask he tells me his brother keeps yelling and hes just minding his own business. I know something is very wrong. This is not normal. Ive been told to call the crisis mental health line at the hospital but they will take him away and i know how much that will affect him and his life but im starting to feel i have no choice. I called the neurosurgry but sounds like they want nothing to do with it as there job is done. My last hope is to go to the gp and tell them whats happening i think if they send a letter out with an appointment he will go if he thinks its to do with his scans. But not sure if they are willing to do that. I moved away last year so to get to his gp is quiet hard now. Do you think if i go to my own gp they would liase with his?

GP and Mental health Services May Be Helpful
 

Hi Jana,

I apologize, I have been out at appointments all day today.
I had left a lot of info because I knew I would be away today. I hope the info wasn't too overwhelming.

It sounds like you have done a lot to try to make something helpful happen. :hug:

After your husband was arrested, did the police and/or judge ask questions of you? I was hoping a judge would look into things a bit and recommend further evaluation, in order to help all of you. I am sorry the police/court did not look into this and see that your husband needs help.

The goal, as you know well, is to make sure everyone is safe and to try to get your husband to comply with further evaluation and help from medical specialists.

Your GP may be able to help directly and/or may be able to advise you as to your options. Many GPs do help families sort out medical issues. Your GP knows the systems and likely knows some of the options. I think it may be quite helpful to talk with your GP. :)

The mental health service may also give you helpful advice. I totally understand your hesitation to involve the mental health service. However, many times, these crisis services respond to help people with conditions affecting the brain. I am not sure how crisis services work in Australia. In my area of the U.S. crisis workers are very well-trained special people, doing this type of work because they want to help. They usually show a lot of understanding and compassion. Maybe they will talk with you about your options and how they can and cannot help you and your husband?

I am glad you and your child are safe. :hug:

It also sounds like your husband is safe at his brother's even though they are having a rough time. I am glad he is safe, too. :)

Ideally, everyone would be safe and your husband would get help. That's still the goal, as long as nobody gets hurt.

Has the whole family gotten together, all at once, to encourage him to get help?

Do you have support? Family, friends, a therapist?

You care about your husband's welfare and his behavior is frightening.
You know he needs help and he does not realize he needs help.
It sounds like he's lacking insight (due to brain changes).

Please be cautious, as it seems his behavior is unpredictable and gets physical. Remain mindful of this if/when you are around him. Ideally, there will be no behaviors causing harm or an arrest. (Yet, please do call the police if you need help.)

This must be very difficult for you. :hug:
Anxiety-provoking. Frustrating. Heart-breaking.

I am hoping your GP can help to advise you.
I am also hoping the crisis mental health services can advise you.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

:hug:
DejaVu

Hi Dejavu,

I thank you so much for your reply. I understand you are busy and once again appreciate your advice.

firstly with the police and court I really got no where they told me that there are issues there ( he was saying some strange things to them)but they told me its not there department than can only press charges ( this does not help us at all) when we went to court I had brought he hospital paper work for his surgery but never got a chance to say anything except to the domestic violence advocacy and she seems to think it is very much an issue related to his condition. the police said he needs to be seen by a doctor for mental health reasons to get out of the charge ( but he refused as there is nothing wrong with his mental state I am the crazy one) my dad suggested going to a psychologist for marriage counseling prior to court to show that he is trying to fix his behavior and I got so close. I found a counseller he called him and agreed we will do this the counselor was supposed to call back with an appointment but never did and so another dead end.
the court could not help they said we will be ok if we get counseling that was it.
I tired an intervention last year with his brother. his mum and dad live overseas have been since he was 20 years old he has a brother in another state and his younger one lived 5 min away. we spent all of our time with his brother but when things got crazy ( he called the police on me told them I was crazy) then blamed me for getting the police involved. we sat down with his brother and I told him you know whats been going on you need to tell him its not right and somethings wrong he will listen to you. The brother turned around and told me actually I don't think he has done anything wrong and stoping you from taking our son to school is the right thing to do. Therefore my husband believed his actions were justified by his brother agreeing. after that he becoming so irrational claiming I was suicidal threatening to call the school and tell them im crazy and scared etc and he did.. so I took our son and left. problem is I had to pull my son out of school as I had to move to my mums 45 min away from his school. I called his mum told her what happened she said she will talk to him so me and our son can come home. 2 days later she calls me and says I cant get in the middle of this. ( my husband accused her of betraying him and siding with me. after this I had applied for a rental used all my money to secure it ( had to pay 6months rent in advance because I have been a stay at home mum for 6years and no income. I was granted the property and moved me and my son got him into a new school and my son was doing so well. his parents came back end of year to get us back together but coped it from him and they ended up telling him to go to the hospital but they were so scared of him that they literally said it and ran off. ( he told me this) they went back overseas and out of site out of mind for them. He moved back with me after giving notice to our last realestate and started to act badly again walking around threatening violence but when I asked why he says (don't tell anyone that I could go to jail for that convinced it never happened) obviously after 4 days of hearing that and then him pushing me I called the police. since then hes been with his brother and suddenly me and my son have been treated amazingly well. But his brother not so much. until last week it got physical with his brother (punch up) and he has come back here. he said his brother attacked him. I don't believe but he is convinced he was attacked and told me he will never forgive his brother for this. I tried to be calm but he started blaming me for hisbrothers behavior and that I put these thoughts in his head. his brother kept telling him 'now I know what your wife meant' he told him you need to go to the hospital this isn't normal.... but now im worried. I am the only one left that's as far as family go they have abandoned him. if we don't talk he is fine he is a very hard worker hes like a work horse he means well but its not coming across and when there is a discussion it takes forever for him to make his point I cant wait 1 week to hear him say whats wrong. he expects me to sit down 8 yrs and talk day after day ( he told his brother forget work tomorrow we can talk all night) its just too hard and im not coping I need to give my time to my son he is only 6years old and needs help with school that is my job....

Also I took your advice and called the GP they were somewhat helpful she told me maybe it doesn't have to do with the aneurysm and its a mental health issue... she put on the system to see psychologist... I don't know how that is going to go down next time he goes in or how much care they are going to put in to breaking this news to him. if they don't care I know he wont take it seriously. I will try to see if I can see my own gp and maybe they can send a letter out to him or something more immediate. he had a referral for seizures but never went to get checked. I think maybe your right and I should call the crisis line and see what other options there could be for us.
I feel such pain for my husband to see him in this state of confusion. the registra during his last check up told him if you feel confused or if your spouse tells you your personality has changed to come back to the hospital. he said he feels fine and those are her issues...
but lately he has had trouble sleeping and a loud noise in his head he went to the GP and they sent him to an ear specialist, the ear specialist told him its not your ears so he told them about the aneurysm he said he will look at the files but once again came back not related?? I just don't understand why no one is sending him to get the assessment it shouldn't be this hard...
then one night he called me and told me I think I need to go to the hospital something happened last night and I felt very confused ( I don't know what happened) I told him maybe you should go just to make sure then he asked if he could come over to see us I said ok and he felt 'happy' here and all his confusion went away. So part of him knows somethings not right. but theres also a block there to seek help.

my apologies for such a long message I think I am partly venting my frustration at this situation. I just want us to be a family yet it is proving so difficult and not being pushed in the right directions by the health system. I have recently seen a scan of his brain from when diagnosed and he looks as though he has a golf ball in the front of the brain. why didn't the doctors take this more serious considering we had a young child at the time?? I feel so let down. And I don't have a whole lot of family support he was my rock :(

Once again I thank you for your response and kind words it has helped me feel not so alone. Reply whenever you can I don't want to cause you any stress
Thanks again

Hi Jana

I am sorry to read that things are so hard for you at the moment.

I think that DejaVu made an excellent suggestion about crisis services.

These vary a bit depending on where you live but if you Google "crisis mental health services Australia" (without the quotes), which I just have, you will find out what support is available to you in your State/Territory.

All the best.

Emergency Services and Safety
 

Hi Jana,

Please don't worry about causing anyone here stress.
This is a support forum. Anyone offering support/suggestions is doing so because they want to do so. :)
It's important you are able to vent, so please go ahead and vent! :)
This is a support forum. :)

I am glad Kiwi has posted as well. I trust his judgment. He is also in Australia. :)

It sounds like you have done a great deal in trying to find help.
I am so sorry it's taking so long to obtain the help needed.

It also sounds like you are getting exhausted, depleted?
I am very concerned about you. Ongoing severe stress and related exhaustion can sometimes result in the onset of an illness, either a physical illness, a mental illness, or both.

I know you love your husband and want to help him to get the help he needs.
In the midst of this ongoing crisis, you may need to be self-protective from the heavy stress, at some point. You need to be able to function and not suffer any serious illness. Your child needs you, as well.

How soon will your husband see a psychologist through his GP?

Is it possible for you to talk with the crisis services and see what they offer for advice? You don't have to give your name if you want advice first, in order to investigate options. If you call, tell them you need to talk to them and you'd rather not give your name right away-- if this approach makes it more comfortable for you.

Many times, people are afraid of contacting crisis services, because they are not sure what will happen and are concerned crisis services will take over and the person reporting the situation loses control of what happens. It's an understandable concern. :)

However, I think they may be able to offer some options and more immediate help.

I am concerned if they come to the house and do not take your husband with them. I am concerned he may get angry with you and there may be repercussions. Is this a concern of yours? If this is a concern of yours, please explain this to crisis services when you talk with them. Be clear with them about your level of stress, exhaustion and the need for safety -- for yourself and your child. Your husband also needs safety until he's doing better. (When he gets better, he will not want to live with the guilt of knowing he has seriously hurt someone during one of these physical/attacking episodes.)

You and your child need to be out of harm's way. It's best for you, your child and for your husband. The "protection" is for all three of you. Your husband needs protection from the possible harm he may do in an episode.

Please consider talking with the crisis services and see if they will help to assess your situation and will advise you as to options before they come to visit your husband. This way, you will feel you have a bit more control over how things happen.

However, I think they may know how to help and how to help more quickly.

Please don't hesitate to come back and vent or ask for whatever you need.

Please take excellent care and be safe.

:hug:

DejaVu

I would suggest contacting Lifeline or Relationships Australia.

Both would be able to offer immediate counselling to you and also advice regarding the situation with your husband.

https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help...nline-Services
Lifeline Online Services

http://www.relationships.org.au/what...es/counselling
Relationships Australia - Counselling

http://www.relationships.org.au/rela...ce/crisis-help
Relationships Australia - Crisis Help

http://www.wlsa.org.au
Women’s Legal Services Australia

As kiwi mentioned, there are many you can find online but those two in particular I would recommend particulary Relationships Australia for the long term counselling issues that your and your family may need. Lifeline is always there for crisis situations.

I would do this sooner than later.

Thank you once again you have made some excellent points.
I have been seeing a psychologist for myself arranged by domestic violence advocacy and they have offered me an extra 12 sessions due to my circumstance. My psychologist is great and has offered alot of knowledge as i dont have a lot of resorces to turn too. My parents cant really offer advice as they dont know where i could turn but they are really trying i feel bad for the stress this has caused them. They are also so confused about how they should feel about him.
my psychologist has gone away for 2months so i have to wait till she gets back and his last episode was just after my session so i have not been able to speak till she gets back.

you are right last year i had suffered health issues my body just shut down on me i went to specialists and they did tests and couldnt figure out what was wrong. All i could think about is my son and who would care for him if i end up in hospital. He had just started kindy and had a horrible teacher ( i think this pushed my husband over the edge) because my husband was not letting me rest it was getting harder and harder for me to get up to get my son to school and i had to use all my energy to boost my sons confidence to face his teacher and then when he came home deflated i had to boost him all afternoon. My husband would ask everyday how was drop off? Hed want to spend the day discussing all details word for word then at night would start again. He always started nicely like how was your day? Once i engaged in conversation i realised he was looking for a fault in what i was saying when he couldnt find one he would tell me things like. Arent you intimidated by the other mums because they work and are smart. Id say no i like caring for Corben hes my priority. Then he would tell me i think you are i think your scared and your passing this onto our son. Then when id ask him to stop he would tell me horrible things and i wouldnt be able to sleep after that. In the morning he would tell me your npt taking him to school your too scared. If i took him he would give me hell if i didnt he was happy he got his way sometimes it was just to hard to fight. Problem was if my son missed a day of school the teacher would make him suffer twice as much so by not fighting my husband i was letting my son down :(
I went to relationships Australia and organised counselling he reluctantly agreed we had 3 sessions i went by myself once he went once and then we went together. She told me she thought it had to do with his aneurysm at first but i didnt believe her i thought he was just a horrible person now after she saw both of us he blamed me for dragging him through counselling he felt cheap because she was looking at the clock. Shortly after that i left. After a few days at my mums my body started working again. Even though i was very thin almost sickly looking my mum was cooking for me and letting me rest when i could, my health came back. My friends were so relived. I realised all the stress he had put on me had taken its toll. He asked me recently how my health is and i told him im all good now he was very happy. I didnt tell him i think it was because of the stress i was under. My son is in a new school now and he has just become the best little boy imaginable. The school and teachers were incredible. My husband is happy that our son is happy but i have not allowed him access to the school or teachers ( he was banned at the otherschool) so i prefer to safeguard me and our son. He is ok with that as he agrees his behaviour was inappropriate (he has recognised this) but he has caused problems with our landlord and neighbours here already and this causes me stress because i feel hes leading us once again down a path of destruction but believes he can guide us to a better future if i trust in him. I want to believe him.
Sorry rambling on again please forgive me for spelling errors or not making sense sometimes im just writting as im thinking.

with gp i dont when my husband will be next there. He has had a few issues with his health lately so hopefully something will lead him back there. But unfortunately they are not great caring gps so it all depends how they come across

Your idea with the crisis line is a good one. If i stay annonymis i can at least get advice. problem is i am really bad like that if they ask me i find it hard to lie and will probably tell them details i shouldnt so i would have to prepare myself before making the call. Also if they do come to our place you are right
I think they would have to take him with them otherwise i would be in danger this is why i have been to scared to make the call. I was thinking of possibly trying to pretend that it was his mum or even his brother and that i know nothing about it would be better for me. But again i am very bad at pretending and if he has any doubts then i will be scared.
i will build the courage to make the call and i think lifeline is a great idea too.

i cant thank you all enough for helping and supporting me through this crisis and reminding me of whats important. I hope there will be a good outcome from this
much love for your support




OTE=DejaVu;1163926]Hi Jana,

Please don't worry about causing anyone here stress.
This is a support forum. Anyone offering support/suggestions is doing so because they want to do so. :)
It's important you are able to vent, so please go ahead and vent! :)
This is a support forum. :)

I am glad Kiwi has posted as well. I trust his judgment. He is also in Australia. :)

It sounds like you have done a great deal in trying to find help.
I am so sorry it's taking so long to obtain the help needed.

It also sounds like you are getting exhausted, depleted?
I am very concerned about you. Ongoing severe stress and related exhaustion can sometimes result in the onset of an illness, either a physical illness, a mental illness, or both.

I know you love your husband and want to help him to get the help he needs.
In the midst of this ongoing crisis, you may need to be self-protective from the heavy stress, at some point. You need to be able to function and not suffer any serious illness. Your child needs you, as well.

How soon will your husband see a psychologist through his GP?

Is it possible for you to talk with the crisis services and see what they offer for advice? You don't have to give your name if you want advice first, in order to investigate options. If you call, tell them you need to talk to them and you'd rather not give your name right away-- if this approach makes it more comfortable for you.

Many times, people are afraid of contacting crisis services, because they are not sure what will happen and are concerned crisis services will take over and the person reporting the situation loses control of what happens. It's an understandable concern. :)

However, I think they may be able to offer some options and more immediate help.

I am concerned if they come to the house and do not take your husband with them. I am concerned he may get angry with you and there may be repercussions. Is this a concern of yours? If this is a concern of yours, please explain this to crisis services when you talk with them. Be clear with them about your level of stress, exhaustion and the need for safety -- for yourself and your child. Your husband also needs safety until he's doing better. (When he gets better, he will not want to live with the guilt of knowing he has seriously hurt someone during one of these physical/attacking episodes.)

You and your child need to be out of harm's way. It's best for you, your child and for your husband. The "protection" is for all three of you. Your husband needs protection from the possible harm he may do in an episode.

Please consider talking with the crisis services and see if they will help to assess your situation and will advise you as to options before they come to visit your husband. This way, you will feel you have a bit more control over how things happen.

However, I think they may know how to help and how to help more quickly.

Please don't hesitate to come back and vent or ask for whatever you need.

Please take excellent care and be safe.

:hug:

DejaVu[/QUOTE]

In Support
 

Hi Jana,

It's fine to continue venting and processing information, deciding which steps to take, etc. It's often helpful to receive feedback when we are feeling overwhelmed by a situation in our lives.

Your son and your husband are both important to you, of course.
Your home life is also very important.

I think it is very difficult to discern all that's going on with your husband without a full evaluation from neurology and a neuropsychologist.

It sounds like you are concerned about the safety, stability and health of the home environment for you and your son at this time? It must be difficult to live with not knowing what to expect and living in fear. :(

Lara has offered several links she thought might be helpful. :)
I was glad to see the links she has offered. :)
I am not familiar with how these types of systems work in Australia.

It sounds like you have previously utilized one of the services, the couples counseling. (Am I understanding correctly?)

It's wonderful the domestic violence agency was able to help you to see a psychologist. I am sorry your psychologist is out-of-town for a prolonged period. Is another psychologist providing emergency coverage for your psychologist?

If you can talk with crisis services, they may give you more information about how they handle situations and and it may set you at ease to tell them more when you are ready to do so?

You don't have to lie to crisis services in order to withhold your name. If you feel comfortable with them at any point, you may decide to give your name?

In contacting crisis services, it may be helpful for you to view the call as: you are calling as the person in crisis, the person needing their advice/assistance in dealing with the situation at hand? You aren't "reporting" your husband. You are explaining the situation and sincerely asking for help for your family.

Jana, if you want to call crisis services, you have a right to call crisis services for help/advice. You are asking crisis services to help you, to help your son and to help your husband. You are looking out for the welfare of your family.

You don't come across as being "against" your husband. You come across as concerned for the welfare of all three of you in the household.

You are in a very tough situation, for sure. You have done very well to have taken all of the steps you have already taken. It can become frustrating and exhausting for you. :hug:

We can only "listen," try to support you, make some suggestions.
We don't know which suggestions, if any, are best for you.

Asking for additional help from an agency is a decision you must think about and one you will have to decide on. You know what's best.

Please do make sure you and your son are safe.:hug:

May you feel supported and loved, surrounded by unconditional Divine Love during this very difficult time in your life. May you find clarity in your decisions on options/choices available to you. May you find the strength to continue coping well and strength and direction in seeking guidance/assistance.

We are here for you, Jana. :grouphug:

Warmly,
DejaVu

Thanks again for all your advice and support. I am so grateful and it has helped me so much these last few days. Now that things have died down while my husband is not here i have been able to do alot of thinking and make a few calls. Im not yet ready to call crisis mental health line out of fear but i do think it is going to have to be done if i cant see any improvement.
I am unable to see another psychologist until mine comes back but she did say to call any other the phone counselling line if i need to talk.
I have alot of thinking to do and firstly just need to make sure we are safe i have got a bag packed with our things and i will try not to let his words and actions overpower me and who i am. If i have to leave then i have to leave.
I am so thankful i found this forum and for everyone showing me support.
Dejavu you are an angel for giving me so much of your time Xx

May you find healing, Jana!
 

Hi Jana,

I am glad you have had time and freedom to make some calls and to think. :)
Thinking things through, knowing your options, making a plan -- helps you to know more about what you do and don't want to do. This also helps to keep everyone as safe as possible.

Of course, it's very important you make decisions/or not, take actions/or not, all in your own timing. This is your life. You are in control of your choices. Only you know fully what your home life is like and what may or may not be most helpful.

This is a very supportive community, Jana. :grouphug:
We are all happy to do our best to try to support you.
Please feel free to join in on any forum here if you feel led to do so.

Please be well and take excellent care. :hug:
Love and prayers offered to you and to your family.
May you and your husband find healing, on all levels.

Warmly,
DejaVu

P.S. We are here for you, Jana. :)

Hi Jana

Have read your story and my thoughts are with you during this really tough time. DejaVu, Lara and others have given you lots of useful advice so I wont repeat. I did however do a search of Australian Mental Health Resources and came across lots of stories saying that unfortunately, like my country (NZ), the public system is under-funded and under resourced. However that doesn't mean you won't get help in an emergency if needed.

I don't know what state you're in but came across this list of crisis line phone numbers. Might save you time searching if you're in a hurry:

State Crisis Numbers

NSW - 1800 011 511- Mental Health Line

VIC - 1300 651 251 - Suicide Help Line

QLD - 13 43 25 84 - 13 HEALTH

TAS - 1800 332 388 - Mental Health Services Helpline

SA - 13 14 65 - Mental Health Assessment and Crisis Intervention Service

WA - 1800 676 822 - Mental Health Emergency Response Line

NT - 08 8999 4988 - Top End Mental Health Service

ACT - 1800 629 354 - Mental Health Triage Service

I also came across this very clear assessment chart which may help you decide at what point to seek help:

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/PDF/Mental...scale%20SB.pdf

This is another resource, which if your husband did realize he has a problem, and accept that he needs help, he may find useful:

Mensline

1300 78 9978 - www.mensline.org.au - MensLine Australia is the national telephone (24/7) and online (3pm - 8.30pm daily) support, information and referral service for men with family and relationship concerns.

Jana - I know you have your hands full so don't feel you need to reply but I'll be here if you just want support. Just one other thought - does your husband have a best mate or work friend that he might listen to?

All the best - bluesfan

Hi Dejavu

sorry for the delay it gets hard over the weekend raising my son on my own he keeps me very busy.
Thank you for your reply once again.
I have refused to let my husband talk to me about the latest incident with the neighbour as i know he wanted to spend the whole day on the issue and our son has a school project that he needs to do. I explained that we cant keep going over and over every detail we need to get on with life. I need to cook clean do the washing do schoolwork and take our son out to play (we live in a unit) he doesnot understand this. He wanted to tell me what the right thing to do is..... problem is he has finally come to the same conclusion as me. Eg not cause problems with neighbours but return the item that started this whole thing.... i was going to do that from day 1 ( i told him that but he would not let me talk) 2weeks have now past and he has realised its the right thing but he wants to be the one who came up with the decision and that its my fault for yelling... it just makes me really tired. He ended up saying that he is giving up on us because i will not let him lead. ( i would and have in the past until he started destroying everything and everyone around us) i can let him lead because he is so destructive and i have to keep apologising for his actions. Its very hard. So i told him thats ok he needs to look afterhimself. He told me he will not financially support us. I said that is fine and have not heard from him for the last 3 days. I know it is only a matter of time before he does reply. I feel he is like an injured puppy and its so hard to watch but its causing disruptions in our lives. My sons behaviour has started to change he crys very easily and wont let me leave him at school. Ive had to explain to him what is going on roughly but he already knows.
im feeling a bit better today and thinking about studying so i can get back to work when my sons a bit more independant (i gave up everything to be a fulltime wife and mother) so dont have confidence or skills to got back into the workforce just yet not to mention there is no afterschool care so finding a job in those hours is very hard... problem is if i go ahead and do study its going to cost me alot of money and i dont want to fail. But if my husband continues to come back in my life he will refuse to allow me to study. So i feel i am still putting my life on hold.
Im hoping and praying that mayb just maybe he will take the step to go to the gp in this silent time.
i hope he can realise how bad things are now that he is truelly alone without us.
thanks for letting me vent again and for helping me through this
Difficult time.

Hi bluesfan
thankyou for your reply.
these numbers you have given are great. I am just abit scared to call them just yet because i am worried what this might mean for my husband. I know once i call he will loose everything. Job, licence, pride, i just cant bring myself to do it. I wish his mum or dad would take care of this but they have just abandoned us.
The health system has really let us down. It shouldnt have come to this just a bit of follw up wouldve been nice and info on changes and that an neurological assesment should be part of recovery especial when telling them dont come back for 3years.
Unfortunately ppl just keep reasuring him that he is fine ( ive realised now its because they are scared of him) his brother was my last hope because he truelly respects him and they are extremely close. However last year before i left him i went to his brother for help. He said he will help we sat down together all 3 of us and then his brother turned on me and denied there was any problem with his behaviour. (Believe me he saw the out bursts bizzare things and irrational thinking) but he refused to side with me... now they have lived together for the last 5 months he is understanding what i was saying except it is too late because now he wont listen to his brother either. He has attacked him. And he has lost all friends. There isnt anyone else.
as for mensline i did also mention this to him during our court trial but he straight out refused to accept that there was a problem with him. Then when he had his last mri/ct scans the aneurysm is now gone and therefor more assurance that he is 100% back to perfect health.
i just dont think there is much more i can do except if he does come back here i should just leave or call the numbers you have given me.
thanks again for your help and support so much appreciated.

Jana, You are handling this well
 

Hi Jana,

Please never be concerned with responding here. Your daily life takes priority!

I am sorry things have again escalated.

I understand you are hoping your husband will see his doctor soon. I will hope for this along with you. :)

It also sounds like you are thinking about some boundaries and the future for you and for your son, should your husband not seek help.

Many women find the idea of going to school and re-entering the work force an idea which evokes some anxiety. It's entirely understandable. :)
There may be some helpful programs to assist you should you need to take these steps?

You have noticed your son is more easily upset now? Tension at home is usually felt by children and can be very upsetting and confusing. When one parent leaves the home for an extended period, children become very concerned about losing the remaining parent as well. This may be some of why your son does not want you to leave him at school. Please reassure him he is not the cause of any conflict and also reassure him that you will never leave him. It must break your heart to see your son so upset?

Your psychologist has been away, will she return soon?

I am trying to recall (sorry) about family and friends for support?

You have acknowledged that you know you need stability in the home in order to continue to move ahead with life. I find this is true for me, as well. It's very difficult to attend to tasks and to move forward when there is ongoing emotional turmoil or chaos.

In time...You will see if your husband seeks help or not. You will think some more about the needs of both you and of your son. You will ponder the possibilities of thriving in life, no matter what your husband decides. You will start to come to grips with whatever must occur in order to restore your home environment to a stable, healthy, peaceful, loving home. Only you know what is best.

I hope, along with you, your husband will consult his physician. :hug:

You are doing your best. You are handling this situation well.
Please continue to keep your son and yourself safe.

It's good to hear you and your son are safe and are as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

May Love surround you, your son and your husband. May the path become clearer, in peace. May rest and healing come your way.

Warmly,
DejaVu

Hi Dejavu
Thanks again for your reply and so much support and sorry for the late reply myself.
It has been a very emotional last few weeks as I just cant seem to have my husband understand my boundaries and why I need to put them in place. He seems to think that if I trust in him we will be fine but he just cant see how his actions are taking a toll on us and my health is starting to fail on me I am so tired all the time just drained. He continues to threaten me with meeting friends and teachers etc but because I know how he reacts Im worried it may cause more problems for me and our son but at the same time I feel its wrong to keep him shut out of our lives but its the only way I can protect us and the relationships that we have made. I don't want us to be left alone again. On fathers day (last weekend) my son sent him a happy fathers day msg he wrote back whats that supposed to mean? in the end it was a mix up in communication and he thought it was me being sarcastic, problem is but why? we saw each other just the day before and his son gave him some fathers day gifts and work he did at school ( he liked the gifts but not what he did at school) he thinks the students/ teacher was trying to make him look bad... other than that we had a pretty good day. it ended well enough but he did ask me to find out who helped our son with the writing. I could tell he was overthinking it and probably continued to think about it the next morning and that's why he reacted badly to the msg. but it is just very hard for us to deal with. my son was upset I was upset and had to try really hard to pick things up so we could enjoy our day but it is very tiring for us. Ive only just started to feel better now but its taken over a week. he is still not seeking help but is trying to stop drinking. he also has a very loud ringing in his head but since all the docs have cleared him of anything to do with the aneurysm he has decided he is going to have to just live with it. I don't think he will be going back to the docs anytime soon.

yes my psychologist is away till October so I have to wait quite a while before I see her again. Ive put studies on hold as school holidays begin next week and it wouldn't be the right time for me to take on more challenges. hopefully next term Ill get the courage up to do this course and start building a new future for me and our son.
Yes I think my son is very much affected by all of this and he is trying so hard to be strong as well. I am glad his school work is still up to date and hes not falling behind hes excited for the holidays to come and we had a nice relaxing weekend so I think it has helped him a lot to just have that peace.

Thanks again for all your support and kind words means so much and helps me get through.
God bless XXX