feeling like its time to end this.
 

Lost my job, my wife, my mind, my friends, my passions, my connection to my mind and the ability to feel joy. If has been 18 months. I have tried everything and feels like this new me is here to stay. However, I feel like I have no use for this new person I have become. How easy it would be for it to.just be all over. The idea of living with constant headaches, fatigue, pain, and suffering and staying jobless while looking at the world through this twisted carnival ride of a lens. The only reason I am here is because of how much agony my mom would feel if I decided to off myself tomorrow. Its the only thought rattling in my head these days.

I'm very sorry you're feeling so terrible and overwhelmed by it all.
Please talk to your doctor about your feelings. If you belong to a support group or a church, perhaps you can talk to a counsellor there who can help you through this dark time.

If you need to talk to others who have felt the same way or who have family who felt the same way, then there is always the SOS Forum - Survivors of Suicide where you can freely and there are always members who will listen to you. That's sometimes half the battle - finding someone who will listen.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-c...e/art-20048230
How to stay safe and find treatment , get through a crisis and find treatment.

In reading through some of your past posts, it appears you have always hung onto a need to recover fully. Have you even tried to reinvent your life ?

Losing your spouse is not uncommon. Up to 80% of people with prolonged brain injury struggles do.

I have almost constant tinnitus. I say almost because I have learned to ignore it. I have frequent head aches. My last concussion left me with chronic headaches for about a year. My 1994 concussion caused headaches for about a year. I live needing to moderate anxiety triggers. I am not always able to so I put up with those times and know they will end. I have very little short term memory. I am always aware of my memory issues because they are so pervasive.

I have plenty of brain injured friends who strive on in their lives with symptoms that make our PCS look like a picnic in the park. Headaches that cause vomiting is just one.

Others here on NT did not see improvements until well into their second year.

Have you applied for Social Security Disability Income ? It's not great but I have survived on it for 9 years. I know others who have, too.

Have you found a Brain Injury Support Group ?

They are very helpful.

You still have plenty of reasons to keep moving forward.

btw, My first experience with thinking about ending it was when I was only 11 years old. But, day by day, I went forward. That was 49 years ago.

My best to you.

qtipsq,

I have been on a roller coaster over the last 13 months but the last 2 have gone down a lot. I hear what you are saying. I feel deeply disconnected from everyone, from my life, and from joyful experiences for the most part. I have good therapy but it's going to be a very slow process. Even though I know intellectually it will work, I don't feel it in a moment to moment basis.

You have to make a pact to keep going moment to moment. Get a lifeline like a therapist or a suicide hotline, support group, or the forum Lara suggested. I am not making light of it because I am in these feelings too.

I don't know if our situations will change. But I do know that we can change how we respond to them. It is hard but with help I learned to do it once before, so I know it can be done.

keep talking to us
Julie

I dont know how to.arrive
 

It feels.like the 30 years of.my life have all been wasted by this concussion. My education, my passions, my relationship. I was married for two months and than this happened. I became a completely different person, my emotions have gone wild, crying everyday for over a year an a half. I cry at weird things, looking at things that remind.d me of the past. It just doesn't make sense.

Also now the only people I relate to are also brain injured. I am not seeing a point in a life that has forgot the ability to feel joy. I was the type of person that could stare at s tree for an hour and be in a complete sense of awe, now I feel emptiness. also I took joy in my silence, now its a constant buzz that makes me want to be violent towards myself. I know brain injuries can be much more severe and people are dealing with them but I am not one of those people. This injury feels like death has already happened.

I know what you're saying. Just live IN today. Stay IN the present. Projecting about the future does no one any good.

That's all I can offer you. :hug:

@qtipsq

You say you've tried everything. Does "everything" include therapy sessions with a psychiatrist who's qualified to help patients with PCS? What about speech or occupational therapy?

I've looked at your posts from the past year, and it seems like you've put so much faith in acupuncture, LED treatments, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy... I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive, but have you tried a simpler recovery route - even if it's only for your depression and anxiety, and not your other PCS symptoms?

I'm sorry to hear of... everything that's happened. I can't relate to your pain (aside from your difficulty with controlling emotions) and whatever I say will probably just sound trite. But please, hang in there. Like Mark says - progress is measured in months and years.

If it's alright with you, qtipsq, I'll keep you in my prayers.
Please keep us posted.

The nature of depression is that we can't gain perspective and see out of it. Meanwhile the present feels intolerable. That is why we need help learning how to tolerate the present while gaining perspective.

Discussions of the future are another matter. When our emotions are this high, while we are this distressed, we can't think clearly. We have to get through surviving the distress. We can't make decisions about whether the future will improve or not because we're not rational. This is not a judgment of you but that's how it works when our emotions are that high.

I KNOW what you are talking about feeling emptiness. I am also very scared about it not improving. I know that it is really not helpful when I start thinking about whether it will or not. When the feeling gets most intense, I try to get into my body more, put ice on my face. list the things I feel without judging them, saying out loud, this is what is happening, it is just so, but that can be hard.

At your calmer moments you need to find a professional. You might think, what's the point. Well, I am telling you, there is a point. You don't know me, but I do care because I am there too and I have been there and recovered. I also have lurked on the SOS board and there are others who have too who care. So you need to force yourself. Or get someone to help make the call. I recommend DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) which is mindfulness based skills therapy and really good for this kind of thing but just find anyone recommended you trust.

Reach out on SOS board. It's not just survivors, it's also people feeling hopeless and everyone is supportive and nonjudgmental.

Stop judging yourself and don't compare yourself to others. You can make your life worth living
Julie

therapy
 

Hbot is the only thing that has restored some functionality.Occupational therapy did nothing, neither did my psychiatrists. Drugs are not for me.

I cant imagine living like this so I tried to get rid of it. But I guess I have been my own worst enemy, I just loved the person I was soo much that losing him makes me want to just stop. I would rather have become paralyzed from the waist down than have lost my mind. But such is not the case. Life will never be what it was supposed to be.

Thanks ever for the replys. I will try to get some help but this is the hardest thing to deal with.

Let me make a suggestion. If the emotional side of the brain is so stimulated to cause depression wouldn't an activity that stimulates other parts of the brain sort of even things out?

Here's what I did when I was at a very pivotal moment in my life.

I took a math class. Sounds crazy but I stopped crying. So I took another, then another. It really did help. Got me through quite a few years of trouble. I could handle things better.

I think what it did was busied me to get to class. But you can take one on line now. Sit through class. Then took time to do my homework, usually a couple of hours. I started to think differently about things in my life. :hug:

It is. And it sucks, and it's completely unfair what has happened to you. But finding a way through your current issues will help move you back closer to the person you were... I think all of us have gone, are going, and/or are struggling with the same things... I suspect for some of the people that have endured this for years and years, they likely can see the phase that you (and me) that you're in and know that there's a way through it.

Get some professional help and use the community when you need to... we're all here for you.

Stages of grief - it applies to illness & injuries as well as death of loved ones.
some say 5 stages and some say 7 stages...

[The five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance ]
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-st...oss-and-grief/

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-...-of-grief.html

I've been dealing with my problems for 2.5 years now. I thought my relative youth (now 25) would aid me in my recovery. Now it appears that these are long term issues I'll never fully recover from. I'm pretty miserable, especially on bad days when I can't do much of anything, but I try my best to savor the good days.

Try to make the good days as good as possible. If you have any other health issues that might be compounding your issues try to alleviate them.

First I tried to fix my balance as best as I could. I have a visual-vestibular mismatch and poor balance only makes that disorder worse. I worked with a vestibular therapist on exercises that improved my balance and now I can at least tolerate bus rides and supermarkets most days.


Lately, I've noticed that chronic sinus problems are making my issues worse. I've seen an ENT and she thinks I have a slight deviated septum and chronic rhinitis. I will see an allergist in the coming months. My hope is that they might be able to treat this sinus problem and that it will makes things at least a little easier for me:)


2.5 years on I'm still trying to improve my sleep. I feel like if this starts to get better I might notice gains. Just keep trying your best.

Hey there,
I've been meaning to get back on and post for the last 6 months and for whatever reason have avoided it. I felt many of the things you felt during my recovery. If ending my life was as easy as flipping a switch and if I could do it without causing pain to my loved ones, I would have been sorely, sorely tempted.

I thought that drugs also weren't for me, but I ended up seeing a therapist who referred me to a psychiatrist who gently coaxed me into trying Lexapro. I went on a small dose and i think it helped. Very notably, I got my appetite back in about a week.

What really helped was just telling myself, "you don't have to like this, you just need to endure." And telling myself, even though I couldn't believe it at the time, that someday I would be glad that I'd endured. The counseling I got from the therapist and the psychiatrist on depression, anxiety, and TBI's was invaluable as was what felt like an intimate friendship (ok, and a bit of a crush) with each of them.

Now, I'm back to work full time, traveling frequently for work and kicking butt in my job. My social live is thriving again, and, while PCS might have caused my relationship that I had at the time to end, the perspective I've gained with time is that there are better fish out there for me. And, I'm kiteboarding again! Jumping, surfing, crashing into the waves, giving myself minor whiplash and, thank goodness, my brain is holding up just fine.

I have my life back, and I'm so grateful to my friends (including the ones on this site) and my health care professionals and therapists (none of whom could offer the silver bullet I sought, but all of whom helped in their own way and encouraged me to hang on while TIME, the great healer, did its work).

IT WAS WORTH ENDURING. THERE IS JOY ON THE OTHER SIDE, BUT IT'S JUST HIDDEN FROM YOUR VIEW FOR NOW. BELIEVE IT'S THERE, ASK FOR HELP, DABBLE WITH SOME SSRI'S, IMMERSE YOURSELF IN GOOD THERAPY + A MINDFULNESS PRACTICE LIKE MEDITATION, BE KIND TO YOURSELF, AND YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE LONG.

You won't be exactly the same as you were before, as my psychiatrist/neurologist told me when I sobbed, "Will I ever be the same?" He said that I'd find ways to compensate (that's what the brain does), would barely notice the differences, and I'd probably end up with a kinder heart towards myself and others.

Keep hanging on. It will be worth it.

I'm so happy for you. You really deserve this. Thanks for sharing.

It makes me really happy to know that former brain injuries sufferers are alive and well and willing to share their experiences.

Hi qtipsq,

Very sorry to hear about your struggle, I'm trying not to get on this forum much anymore but I felt obliged to ask whether you've tried marijuana during these 18 months? While it's not good for you overall, since it's a stressor on the brain, the only thing that helps me be able to enjoy life again sometimes is smoking marijuana. And it works even at those times where you feel like nothing could help you. If you're feeling so down and out, you might wanna look into getting your hands on some. The best option would be vaping.

Again, this is only a suggestion as a possible partial remedy for all the emotional distress you're in. The fact that it's a stressor on the brain should be considered; I'm not sure how big of a strain it really is on the brain when the pros and cons of it are weighed, though.

I was just thinking that today. I am a totally changed person. Indeed, it is as though I have a new, warped and twisted brain that can only remember that past through a nostalgic lense that causes more grief. If not for my precious little girls and wife (who's about at the end of her rope), the existential question really is--if I am a completely changed and different person, why indeed do I need to be here at all? Esp. now that I feel like one of the things in life that meant the most to me might be coming to an end--my job. And then how the hell do I support my family.

I am very sorry to see you're struggling with what we've all had/have/or will go through. It's a constant battle for myself as well, and sorry, I'm not much help. I just thank my lucky stars my two beautiful children keep me grounded. They are a miracle, just something else I proved to the medical community [emoji64]🏼 What everybody here is saying is SO TRUE @qtipsq! You think of your mom? Well that's what you NEED to keep thinking of! Your Mom and all the family and friends you would leave behind. Because THEY are the ones who would suffer. Not you. The selfish act of suicide only puts you to permanent sleep while everybody here is left to hurt for a very long time. THIS is what I think of when I want to just end it all. I don't suffer. My kids and family do. Not fair. I just have to keep working with the doctors to end my pain. Sure! Days like today? A bullet would've been faster & quicker [emoji16][emoji15] But reality check. I hear you buddy. Honestly I do. I simply wanted to cry when doc said lets do more injections in a series...

Just lets talk to our families & friends together @qtipsq We can do this!!


@donnie darko... (Not trying to go OT) Your marijuana proposal... I had just moved to a different state. I am FINALLY in the process of getting pain meds. I went months without and let me just say, Tylenol does NOT control. [emoji23] Do you go to your doctor and get a rx for this or how does this work?

Kthx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I would guess that many folks across the NT forums, at some point in their illnesses, have felt the same way you are feeling now. I certainly did. Adapting to this new life, so different than the life we had, is not easy but a necessity for surviving.

When I lost my job and was really struggling with the chronic pain and cognitive changes, and feeling very lost, my physician brother in law sent me this book. It was my inspiration( aka "kick in the pants" ) for adapting to my altered life.

http://www.amazon.com/Whole-New-Life...whole+new+life

We all hear you...many of us get it...and have found our own path to adapting to a new life. It is not easy, but doable and honestly...I found many joys in my new life that I may not have found otherwise. I know it may sound trite but, it is true. Your Mother is a wonderful starting point. If losing you would cause her agony, focus on having the best relationship with her that you can, be the best son you can be. Love/good relationships with family and friends could be the cornerstone of this new life you are building.

Wishing you success as you deal with your "new life". I found when I finally accepted my life was never going back to what it was, my stress diminished and it was easier to push ahead. Pick small goals, day by day.

Keep us posted,
Diandra

Hi Seth,
I am sorry to hear you may be losing your job. That is devastating on so many levels. I lost my job also.

Are you losing it because of your health or other reasons?
If health, look into company disabilities policies and social security disability insurance. The sooner the better because sometimes the processing moves frustrating slow.

How wonderful you have a wife and lovely daughters to live for.
I hope things go your way, Seth.
Diandra

Single Second of Hope
 

QtipsQ,


I know I've felt like ending it a few times. Even prior to the concussion, I faced loneliness and misunderstanding of myself, and wanted to end it for years. Since the concussion, everything got magnified. I am now dealing daily with fatigue, confusion, and the inability to communicate with people.

Now I don't know how much pain you are in and of course can't tell you I have dealt with anything similar. But, in my darkest of times I have learned to flip a * finger to * circumstance and say I am going to make it through this moment till I find another moment of hope because I am a proud human being. Just seek those moments of hope that will get you by on day to day basis.

But, of course for a longer term you need a strategy to cope with this situation. I believe the person who suggested taking a Math class is onto something. I have found great solace in playing ping pong. It's a sport and skill that I can improve and doesn't use my hard mental skills that are currently lacking.

Ping pong may not be the answer for you. But, search for a hobby or daily activity that you can enjoy. I came onto ping pong only after many failed attempts to find something - attempting to start a movie critique blog (luckily don't suffer from light and sound sensitivity so wasn't a problem), trying to play the guitar, trying to play video games, trying to walk outside for hours. None of these other options gave my heart peace, but ping pong puts me at ease. And I think there might be a daily activity you could seek out that could help you.

Look, I don't know how helpful any of this is. But, just hang in there and fight because even that single shred of hope and clarity from this concussion nonsense is going to be worth it.

Feel free to message me if you ever need to chat. Best of luck and hang in there!

I kind of wrote that at a low moment last night. Yes, I'm not sure I can do my job anymore because of my condition. I gives me a huge amount of worry and stress and I don't feel like I can recover fully staying in it. I'm going to talk with HR soon.