I am not coping well
 

I am eating like a pig and now am really afraid to get on the scale. I eat so fast. I have so much anxiety. the clonopin isn't helping. I am so irritable. I am being provocative. yesterday i wound having to sit at another table. there is a guy named Mike who has such a strong voice I can hear him clearly when i am sitting at a table not near him. yesterday i was talking to a woman and could hardly hear her. I told him to please speak lower even though i knew there would be conflict. sure enough there was conflict and he spoke even louder.
then when they started singing christmas songs he boomed and i ran out.
I went to the rabbi's wife class last night and she was talking about Sarah and Rebecca. It was fascinating. before that i ate 1/2 pound of brie and prunes and a pint of turkey walnut cranberry salad. I couldn't control myself. I then threw it up. I ate a little something at the lecture. then when i came home i ate two pounds of mashed sweet potato. I really outdid myself. I go to the psychiatrist this morning and leave in a few minutes. I will tell him how anxious i am and how impatient i am. I shouldn't even been writing this but i feel so desperate.
I had one pleasant dream last night although it was filled with anxiety.
I dreamt of myra twice this week. four other people said that they also felt a part of them died when their sibling died even if they were not on good terms with them.
here goes...i will post this...i should be embarrassed but i feel so scared.
bobby

Dear Bobby,

There is no need to be embarrassed, and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable writing about things that are weighing on your mind. That's why the forum is here, that's why we are here to support you.

I'm glad that you are going to see your pdoc, and I hope that you are going to open up about your anxiety, all the reasons behind it, and all your symptoms.

Your binging is increasing because of your anxiety is so high. You need to forgive yourself for it.
Your reaction at the senior center probably came about for the same reason. If you weren't so anxious, your request that Mike lower the volume of his voice may have come across a little better. I have the same problem when I'm overly anxious.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the Rabbi's wife's class last night.

I sincerely hope that your pdoc can come up with a plan to better manage your anxiety today.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

:hug::hug::hug:
Kay

thank you. i told him everything but the throwing up. he decided to lower my welbutrin to 150 and see if that takes off the edge. I made an appt to see him in two weeks rather than a month. I don't think i will go to the senior center but just eat eggs.
bobbyh

hi bobby,
thank you for sharing.
yes that is what we are here for. Lean on us.
have you ever tried celexa?
It is an anti depressant with anti anxiety benefits also.
sorry it is so hard right now.
bizi

Bobby,

I hope that the lowered Wellbutrin helps.

'Good that you seeing the pdoc in two weeks.

'Sorry that you are struggling.

M

I tried celexa but that did nothing for me. I don't think the wellbutrin is doing anything either so i don't expect a change when i got down to 150. I think i need more risperdal which in the past had caused me to gain so much weight besides probably giving me diabetes.
the klonopin dose i am on is not eliminating the awful anxiety. I think the risperdal would dull me and stop me from being provocative. I went to the senior center yesterday and sat at my old table. Michael, the guy i had the confrontation with was sitting at another table. I am certain he lowered his voice yesterday. I don't think it was a coincidence.
I am so worried about my urge to eat. I don't want to get on the scale but if i keep this up i will gain 20 pounds. I had lost sixty. I haven't found any wisdom on the internet about binge eating. I am going to skip the senior center today i think and just have hard boiled eggs. I don't have much food in the apartment except for cannollini beans and eggs. last night i made egg salad with onions.

when i walk now I feel the extra weight and grow tired faster. this morning i probably will go for a walk with cecilia. I am really losing it. talked politics with the psychiatrist yesterday. I don't want him to drop me because i might be too sick. I mentioned i might vote for trump because he would shake things up. He responded and said he was so dangerous and it was like pre nazi germany with a charismatic leader. We both decided we weren't going to vote.
I didn't ask him yet about topamax which did curb my appetite but interfered with my memory which is so good now. I thought before when i couldn't remember things and was slow that it was from aging.
bobby

I am struggling more than i have in years. I felt such a relief that supposedly my taxes were resolved and i think medicare is resolved and found out that other people felt part of them died when their sibling died.
right now i have no major problems that i know of except that i have lost control.
The psychiatrist thought the reason i only shed a tear for my sister was because of the medication. I just felt nauseated thinking of my sister. the holidays are definitely not helping. I should be relieved that the senior center is having xmas lunch on christmas and cecilia for my christmas gift is taking me out to dinner on xmas eve. I will get a salad....chef salad..
I have to answer an email to an old friend who lost her brother when he was about 55 and her mother when she was 91. she is still angry at her brother but still misses him. she is my age and says she needs a job...not because of money.
she moved back to penn. and lives in the house she grew up in with the lake right in front of her. I don't know if she still skis and waterskis. she was a pro.
A guy at work had said she could be a venetian street walker.
bobby

what does this mean?
I am so sorry that it is hard for you bobby. I wish I could tell you that things will get better with time. But that sounds so trite....
This sounds different for you.
A different space in your mind/soul.
Like you have been shaken to your core. Perhaps this is from all of the stirrings of myra.
You have been under a great amount of stress with your taxes. Please be kind to yourself.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

thank you. he joked and meant she could be a street walker on the canals of venice italy.
bobby
i think i have been shaken to the core...you are right

Thanks for explaining, I was wondering also.

I think you will keep working with yourself. Hoping you change your mind
and go to the senior center. Its good for you.

Also with the weight, just keep working on losing it. Wish it were as
easy as saying just quit worrying about adding but its not.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I'm glad that you are seeing your pdoc in two weeks. You are going through so much...

It's okay to skip the senior center from time to time, but please be careful not to withdraw too much.

:hug::hug::hug:
Kay

i gained fourteen pounds. i am so out of control. I don't know what to do.
bobby

I know that you find comfort in your religion Bobby...
Can you try to read some psalms when you're anxious?

Or can you try snuggling with Abby?

Is there anything else you can think of that can reduce your anxiety?

You can try doing some of these things instead of over-eating when you get the urge.

I know you are probably feeling terrible about the weight gain and are probably beating yourself up. Don't. The binging is a symptom of your anxiety and you have been under a lot of stress lately...

You will get through this.

And when you do, you can worry about getting that weight off.

:hug::hug::hug:

Kay

thank you so much. i am really scared. i will try your suggestions. On thursday the rabbi talked about two psalms. on wednesday night the rabbi's wife talked about rebecca and sarah and on tuesday the ethics of our fathers was talked about. the appetite is overwhelming. today i will try just to have eggs. i thought i would try not to have coffee but i already have had two. the klonopin isn't touching the anxiety. I was too cheap to buy apples because they were at least one dollar an apple. yesterday i had pastry that stella gave me. i told her i had no will power and not to buy me pastries but she doesn't listen and she knows i am very upset about my weight and diabetes.
bobby

today i went for a walk and coffee with cecilia and sofia. i haven't eaten a lot today so far. I will make another cup of coffee and hopefully the four hard boiled eggs i had in the afternoon will keep my appetite at bay.
I should decide tomorrow if i call a state agency to see if i qualify for a program. it just says income and doesn't mention resources. I also saw something like that on the net.
I started writing to a former best friend. I don't know why the relationship ended. she got married in her thirties and adopted two girls when they were a day old. she moved out of the city.
she has a lot of anger at her brother who died and whom she still misses. I wrote a little about that to her. i told her i worry about my soul and am trying to accept the crumbs myra gave me and forget most of my life with and without her.
bobby
I broke down and bought 12 apples and two sweet potatoes and broccoli. i think i am skipping the senior center tomorrow and just eat eggs.

Bobby,

What you are going through -- it sounds so hard.


M

Thinking about you Bobby

Don't let Stella leave the apartment without the pastries if she brings them. Be firm. She is not helping you by bringing them...
I always have beer in my house, and it hasn't been an issue, but let's say that wasn't the case. What she's doing is akin to someone knowing I'm an alcoholic and dropping by and leaving me a 6-pack everyday.

I'm so glad you are enjoying the Rabbi's talks and his wife's classes. That must be of some comfort. And I'm glad you have your walks with Cecilia and Sophia.

I think it's great that you started writing to your old friend. Did you send the letter? I hope this gives you an opportunity to reconnect.
I cut ties with my best friend a couple of years ago during a period of paranoia (I didn't realize I was paranoid at the time). I sent her a Christmas card. It would be nice if she responds on some way, but I'm not holding out hope.

I hope you qualify for that state program. It would be nice to get some extra help.

I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now Bobby. Please try to focus on the good things in your life (your religion, your friends, your walks, and Abby). I hope that things calm down and your anxiety lets up soon. You deserve to be happy.

:hug::hug::hug:

Kay

I will tell stella the alcoholic analogy..maybe then she will get it. her father was an alcoholic.
yesterday there was a homeless women sleeping upright on the bench down the street. cecilia put fifteen or twenty dollars by her head. it was so touching.
i sent flora the email and mentioned how important my soul was to me. she still has anger towards her dead younger brother who alienated her from his children.
I forgot what i wrote before but i wrote her that my soul was more important than the crumbs my sister gave me and i am trying to just focus on that rather than all the bad things.
I woke up really depressed again. I did lose weight. I am debating whether or not to go to the senior center and just have eggs and apples at night.
i probably won't call the agency for extra help because i had to take money out of my annuity because i am 71 and i think that put me over the threshold. I just will be especially careful not to spend extra money. my binging on things i think has past.
I will write stella right now. thank you so much
bobby

i wrote her about the alcoholic and she didn't comment. right now i can't figure out if my high anxiety is making me frightened or my being frightened is heightening my anxiety

Bobby,

Can you call the doctor for more medications? Higher doses?
He just saw you, so he understands what is going on.

M

Yes, about focusing on what is important. :heartthrob:

When you think you can handle the annoying people or whatever, do go to the senior center. Being around other people can help us stay connected and gets us out of ourselves for the time that we are there.
(It helps me to do that even if it wears me out because I am an introvert.)

If you are worried about calories, eat at the center, and then for the rest of the day eat apples and eggs. That could be a good food plan for you.
Then, when you need to, modify the plan again.

Do what you can to focus on good things.
I have been distracting myself on youtube and other social media sites by reading the comments. (Sounds goofy perhaps.)

M

Bobby,
Does that count as income?
Is it taxed?

M

yes that counts as income and would be taxed if i made more money. I don't have enough income to pay taxes. i took two extra klonopin but that didn't help.
I guess i am frightened because i feel all alone. All my friends have their own lives. My sister wouldn't have helped me either although her death still bothers me greatly. this time of year always gets to me and makes me feel more all alone.
I look on ebay and look at cole haan shoes and bruno magli shoes. It has gotten to be a compulsion. I have maybe a thousand books-probably less but haven't had the patience to read much. that used to be how i coped. last night maria made me delicious egg salad but i bet the mayonnaise made it high in calories.
I will go to the senior center today but tomorrow i have a skin doctor's appt at 12 so i will miss it.
You would think i would get used to being alone.
bobby

They can feed off of each other...

Can you contact your pdoc today or tomorrow and let him know just how much you are struggling? Some benzos can become less effective over time. Have you ever tried xanax?

Feeling alone must feel terrible :hug::hug::hug:
Please try to remember you have friends here, and out there as well.

:hug::hug::hug:

Kay

thank you. i once asked him about xanax and he said no
bobby

Did he tell you why?

he said he didn't want to give me both xanax and klonopin and wanted to stay with klonopin
bobby

Yeah, nobody's going to prescribe you both.

He may reconsider making a change to xanax since klonopin doesn't seem to be helping you. But there is a limit to how much xanax you can take, and it is not safe to take any extra.

Hi, Bobby,

'Thinking about you.
Many hugs.

M

I hope you check in soon Bobby.
I've been wondering where you are and how you are doing.

Kay

i have been going up and very down like a yo you. right now i am very down but not as down as i was yesterday and this morning. I spoke at length to two friends and they cheered me up. I have only lost two pounds on my apple diet..ie eat an apple in between meals. I still haven't decided to go to the psychiatrist this week or not. I don't think i want him to see me like this and right now i don't think he can help with a medication change.
bobby
I am feeling a little better now. I got a call back from post office finally that the book by winston churchill is on its way.
i also read this http://www.nutritionexpress.com/arti...le.aspx?id=907
it is about creatine and how it helps the muscles and it helps seniors. i heard about it on the radio this morning. i bought two bottles and some more vitamin d3

Now is the perfect time for you to see your pdoc- he should see you like this if you want him to make the right changes to your meds. Hiding your symptoms is not going to help you feel better, Bobby.

Hang in there :hug::hug::hug:
Kay

I am hanging in there. this is the worse time of year for me. it was made worse by my sister's death and learning that three other people died. One i wish i had made peace with. I am single and old...I can't get used to either although i just bought some creatine which might help my muscles. see i haven't give up. last night i was finally able to start reading a frivolous book.I have been dozing off and on, petting the kitty cats and reading. I am also very upset because abby is getting thinner and i think it is her crf. she is still jumping up on the bed a lot and wants more and more attention.
My doctor won't raise the dose of zoloft. I am up to 150 and he says there are sometimes psychotic symptoms at a higher dosage. I never had those so i won't fight him to increase the dosage.
My memory is sharp again and my thinking very clear so i wouldn't want to lose those two things again. I lost them with a higher dosage of risperdal and topamax. He cut me back on welbutrin the last time to see if that would take the edge off things. I don't think the welbutrin helps period.
hope you are having fun with your kitty cats.

I hope that you feel better.
 

Bobby,

There is a chance that the creatine affects mood:

http://link.springer.com/article/10....302-015-9446-7
Creatine, similarly to ketamine, affords antidepressant-like effects:
M

thanks a lot. I didn't understand this The anti-immobility effect of creatine (1 mg/kg, po) or ketamine (a fast-acting antidepressant, 1 mg/kg, ip) in the TST was prevented by pretreatment of mice with caffeine (3 mg/kg, ip, nonselective adenosine receptor antagonist), 8-cyclopentyl-1,3-dipropylxanthine (DPCPX) (2 mg/kg, ip, selective adenosine A1 receptor antagonist), and 4-(2-[7-amino-2-{2-furyl}{1,2,4}triazolo-{2,3-a}{1,3,5}triazin-5-yl-amino]ethyl)-phenol (ZM241385) (1 mg/kg, ip, selective adenosine A2A receptor antagonist).
the part about the caffeine. I think ketamine is being used now for fast acting antidepressant but it may alter thinking.
it looks as if you have to wait four hours before having caffeine after creatine...strokes heart attacks etc

I have felt that way ad I'm not even bipolar. You sound like you're out of control. Like a train going down the track at 150 mph with no one at the controls. Slow down! Take things easier. Is there someone you can talk with? You sound kind of scared. What are you afraid of?

I'm glad your thinking and memory are sharp Bobby (that's something I miss at baseline). I hate to sound like a broken record, but if you're totally honest with your pdoc, he may be able to come up with a better med plan, different than the one you're on. Your anxiety certainly needs to be addressed.

You have been through so very much the last few months. Anxiety can present such challenges to how we react to life events, and the speed at which we can heal. And it can sabotage us, in forms such as binging.

I hope that the creatine can offer you a degree of the antidepressant benefits that Mari cited in her post.

Please be kind to yourself, and hang in there. You are stronger than you realize.
:hug::hug::hug:

Kay

I take klonopin three m a day. I have always suffered from anxiety. I am usually always scared. I have been in therapy but that doesn't help me. I speak to two bipolar friends on a regular basis and that helps big time.
This morning I woke up feeling tired but good for a big change. I cancelled my appt. I had a dream where i was arguing with a psychiatrist but not mine. He was worthless in the dream.
I just got good news. on the jury form which i am always worried about it says you don't have to serve if you are older than 70...ta.ta.
I think i can take new years better than xmas. i have no plans though.
i received a holiday card from my youngest nephew. that was great! it showed his whole family!
bobby

i don't know if i need a mood stabilizer like topamax which curbed my appetite but interfered a bit with memory. i just found out a while ago you are exempt from jury duty if you wish when you are seventy. Now my anxiety is sky high again with the great news. I also got a letter from the clinic to discuss my lab tests. since i gained 14 pounds i bet my diabetes and cholesterol is up. my blood pressure was up when they took it last time.
bobby