Starting to lose my sense of humor
 

Okay I have gone up 10lbs in a single month, even though I was playing with the GB and doing more than I should have (who can resist...) I have never in my life put on so much weight at one time... Lost it, easily... never gained it.

My skin is all but crawling off my body it seems. My Copaxone injections are acting like major wasp stings now. I'm narcoleptic throughout the day and an insomniac throughout the night.

I'm in pain, but there's nothing the doctors can do for it as I'm at the end of the line for pharmaceutical treatments. I'm so tired of being allergic to everything that could be potentially beneficial and honestly I'm just sooooo tired.

It's been over a year since I quit smoking but I would gladly hop on my wheelchair and push myself all the way to the nearest store for a pack of smokes (except I know the DH would kill me if I did... too bad it would only be in the figurative sense and not the literal :( )

And if it wasn't for all the drugs I'm currently taking I would have gladly sang my woes in the bottom of a bottle of Jamieson rather than airing them out on the boards. Such a shame they can't make alcohol friendly muscle relaxants.

I want to go for a run, so much it's practically kill me. I want to run even more than I want a cigarette. I want to do some sit-ups, go for nice hard swim, jump a rope, hop around on a pogo stick, something! Anything other than sitting in my computer chair, or sitting on the couch, or sitting on the bed... sitting... sitting...sitting...

I want to clean my house!
I want to go to the park with my grandbaby and show her how to play on the monkey bars.
I want to bake cookies without fearing I'm going to drop them or fall into the oven.
I want to brush my hair without getting a knot in my shoulder after a few swipes of the brush.
I want to French braid my hair!
I want to go grocery shopping, standing on my own two legs, tapping my foot because the lady in front of me is trying to use expired coupons and counting out pennies.
I want to climb a tree.
Swing on tire swing
Build a playhouse
To not treat my DH like he's a computer and I just need to point and click to get things done.

I want to ** my whiny little head to tell it to shut up and deal with it, life sucks, get used to it and no amount of whining, crying or wishing is going to change it.

I want my sense of humor back!!!!!!!

I am not amused either. I am 24/7 in a wheelchair but lucky enough to afford house-cleaners. Last crew was to a point to know where things are and do what needs doing. Of course got a whole new crew now that need guidance. Young too. I'd rather clean myself. But thing is there's always a worse story out there. At least I don't have to clean their houses!!! Sometimes I have to make myself realize it may be a half an inch of water and not to think I'm gonna drown. MS does suck and steals life away from us. When I was first diagnosed and cried on phone after with my GP she said "You have a right to cry." We do.

You know I needed to write that for myself, not you? Having a bad day.

That's the only thing I have left!:mad::D

Now Sally - SHE amuses me.

it is safe here starz. you won't hurt, or gain weight.
you can eat chocolate covered peeps and fight demons with a new laser sword from star wars. :)

we can also give great :hug:

back to reality. sounds like you should check with your dr about the copaxone. if you're getting these large reactions it might progress to a full blown allergic reaction; not good.

let us know how you are.

Thanks, and yes it was a bad bad day yesterday. I'm pretty good about keeping my cool, just dealing with most of what life throws my way and getting over it. But I had talked to my uncle the night before my rant here, and was asked about my health, how I was doing and all that jazz. My aunt wanted to know too, since I didn't make it up to NH to visit them this year :(.

And I told them excitedly about the new wheelchair, about me getting an AFO, about the doctor changing my meds "Woohoo". And then I don't know, it just kind of hit me... here we are just a few days from Christmas, and rather than talking about excitement over what "Santa" was bringing, I was more excited about DME's. One of which was partly the reason why I wasn't able to make it up to visit them, because of the cost for the wheelchair.

I used to talk with them about my times for the 100 meter dash... Or my score in dressage. Or what horse I was working with to bring to the road of recovery. Now I have them worrying about me, and not just them but my whole family. Everyday it's "How are you today," "How are you feeling" "Are you okay?" My little GB runs around telling everyone "Grandma booboo." While it's great she'll curl up with me and behave herself if I'm having a really bad day, it's sad that she has to develop her empathy towards others so soon and practice her sense of 'responsibility.'

Don't get me wrong, I apprieciate their support, and I love my family dearly. But sometimes I almost wish they would just abandon me and go live their lives. And since their fools who won't do that... I wish I could 'fake' it better. That I could go back to running track, and training horses, and just being the me I was before. If nothing else I wish they would just stop worrying about me... Everything in life will be what it will be, nothing less nothing more and worrying about me isn't going to 'heal' me. It's just adding to the general overall worries in life, of which there are far more important ones than myself.

Starz, every one is allowed to have days like you have been having. It's what you do after you have those days that counts. Do you give up, do you pull yourself up by your big girlpanties and say that you are going to do the best that you can and be proud of it. You couldn't always run the 100 meter dash. It was work. And this is work now. Your family should understand that and love you just the way you are. It is so beautiful to see a little one on the lap of some one in a wheel chair. It shows that they love you unconditionally. They want to be with you because of what you show in your heart, not your athletic ability. Even the best of the best athletes eventually lose that part of their life and then have to find out who they really are on the inside. Don't judge yourself on how many records you have broke, medals on the wall. You are the living person inside that body and you are important.

I get tired of being "a brave little soldier" and reserver the right not to be sometimes.

Exactly how I'm feeling kicker... It seems everyday I have to act like "I'm fine". I'm not scared that I can barely see, I'm not upset that my body is ripping itself apart, I'm not ready to scream in complete agony, and I'm certainly not bored out of my mind feeling completely and utterly useless... "I'm fine"

And yes there are people who have it worse in life than me, people with worse MS than me. And sure I'm a "strong person" whatever that means... Which I can only figures means not being a drama queen, not whining everyday and basically just smiling to everyone who asks how I am with an "I'm fine".

I can see your sense of humour in what you wrote. You haven't lost it yet. It's ok not to have a good day or a bunch of them back to back.

Everyday I have to climb 5 fights of stairs just to move my car. And believe me that is a struggle. :(

:eek: I can't imagine a single flight of stairs let alone FIVE! :eek:

You are my hero!

Which undoubtedly explains the 10lbs in a month... I mean I used to know what five flights of stairs were, would rather walk up the 17 flights of stairs than hop in the elevator (smelly smelly people... It's a drop of perfume folks, not a whole bottle :winky:)

I know it's incredibly unhealthy, and probably the last thing in the world I need to do, but I'm ready to stock up on slimfasts. Last thing my poor joints need is being crushed under the mass that is becoming my body :( It feels like I can't wear my white sweatshirt lest child running screaming from me, afraid the Stay-Puff Marshmellowman is cross dressing and coming after them. :rolleyes:

Alright I guess some of the sense of humor is returning, though I still might go to SAMs club and get the Opera size slimfast pack.

I can relate.

Seems the simplest tasks are becoming exhausting. Things I used to do in one hour take half a day (do for 5 minutes.....rest for 20 :rolleyes:).

One thing I'd like to do again is just go somewhere alone. Not that I don't love and appreciate all that my family does for me but I just want to go to the grocery store and not feel like someone is standing behind me waiting (because they ARE!). :rolleyes:

And I want to be able to walk up and down each aisle looking at everything. I can't do that anymore because my legs are screaming after about 30 minutes. Doesn't anybody hear it but me?? :D

Whenever I'm feeling less than adequate for whatever I have going on during a particular day I tend to whine about things like my non-existent balance.....my left leg that won't cooperate on any type of flooring but laminate or linoleum......the fact that I can't go without shoes in public. :o

I do know that I'm thankful for all that I can still do.....and for my awesome family that won't leave me alone no matter what. :rolleyes: There are just some days that nothing can bring me out of my funk.......except maybe a piece of Dove chocolate and a good cry. Afterwards I'm good to go!

I totally forgot about going out alone. Just driving around really, radio blasting to the songs I wanna hear... Not just what "the driver" will tolerate. Picking up what I want from the grocery without getting another's two cents about it. (Mom has to point out all the generics, and coupons and do all the math to ensure I'm not paying 1/30th of a penny more per pound on my pasta... DH has to ask if I really want that or wouldn't I rather have whatever it is he wants... But I can get it... If I really want it...) :rolleyes:

Five flights of stairs?!?!:eek:

I'll bet you paid for that::eek::hug:

One day, many years ago, I used to sprint up the stairs like it was nothing. Until one day I made the trip up and down about 5 or 6 times. That night my ankles were hurting so I looked at them, they were black and blue, just from going up and down the stairs. That's when I decided to only make ONE trip a day down and up. It took a few weeks for my ankles to heal. :(

Yes, stairs are no longer our friends :mad:y

Try eating only half of what you're eating now. That aught to do it. :winky:

Half of what I'm eating now would equate to about 2 oz of chicken and a quarter of a salad a day. :( That's basically starvation. I just don't have much of an appetite I never have. And it goes away even more so when I'm depressed or just feeling lazy. I'm the type that can go days without eating anything, and not even notice, nor have that 'OMG I'm starving!!!' reaction.

It's not that I never feel hungry, I do, but then I forget that I was hungry if I don't eat right away. So if it requires any energy at all to make something to eat... I generally won't. Salads are my friends because you feel a rumbling of hunger, open the fridge, toss a bit of lettuce into a bowl, sprinkle with some salt and pepper and if you think of it grab a fork or just munch on it. If I'm feeling a bit more froggy then I can toss a few carrots into the mix. If I'm really feeling lazy, I can skip the salt and pepper and just grab a few leaves of lettuce to chew on.

I've tried to make a schedule of when to eat, I've tried making meals in advance so I can just grab them and eat, I've tried finding quick and easy things to eat that are a bit more substanstial than some leaves of lettuce and still, I fall back to my old habit of rabbit food, and glasses of milk. :(

Every so often my appetite will rev up and I'll crave something fiercely, things I don't like at all, like tomatoes or apples (yuck) and nothing will satisfy it but eating a tomato or eating an apple... But I also have a hard time eating when it's not something my body seems to think it wants too. If I'm not hungry for steak and the DH cooks it for dinner, I really can't eat it all, I might get one bite down the throat but nothing more. DH is used to that so he doesn't try to tell me to finish it anymore, or to eat more of it, or ask if it doesn't taste good or if there's something wrong with it. He'll just grab the rest of it off my plate and eat it himself.

Did you know that all you require a day is piece of chicken the size of your thumb? That's IN a meal. We do eat way too much meat. Just the size of your thumb. Your measuring device is with you all the time. Cutting down on meat is the best thing you can do for yourself barring that you have no restrictions on your diet.

Sense of humor is firmly back in place! Thanks everyone for listening to my whining.

And it helped going for a run... Short one with the GB, but still ran. My life's goal is complete ;)

(Almost, still need to travel abroad, make a double wedding band quilt, lose about 25lbs, and 8 dress sizes, get up the nerve to eat sashimi, learn at least three or four more foreign languages, make up at least 16 years worth of haute couture kids clothes for the GBs, start my own cult movement, ack scratch that last one, or my grade in psychology will go from an A to an F that was the promise lol.)

:hug::grouphug::hug:

Man, you left out world domination. I think there's an app. for that.

World domination is too much of a bother if you think about it. Even running a country is a pain, people whine too much (sometimes justifiably but a lot of times not... and everyone seems to have the same mentality of 2 years olds when it comes to money, CUT TAXES but INCREASE SPENDING!) I couldn't imagine dealing with a worldful of that, I'll be happy with just a nice little cult :p