daughter of a suicide attempter
 

The first time my dad attempted suicide was December of 2014. I walked in his bedroom and he had a gun to his head. I took the gun away and locked it in the trunk of my vehicle until I could secure it elsewhere. I called his psychiatrist who did next to nothing to help. There are no more guns in the house. The next time he attempted was September of last year. He woke me up at 230 in the morning saying he took all of his medicine. I rushed him to the hospital where they had him committed. When he was released from the hospital, I made sure he had no access to his meds until two weeks ago.

He convinced me that he was ok and he wanted more independence. I was naïve enough to give him what he wanted, so I let him have control over his meds. Saturday morning my dad attempted suicide and almost died. He took all of his blood pressure medicine, depression meds, sleeping meds, and counted each one as he did it. He also took shots of whiskey with each pill. I rushed him to the hospital.
I was told by keeping him awake in the car I saved his life; however, I don't feel that way because I gave him the control over his meds. He was on life support for 24 hours but pulled through. I want to help him in the best way and give him the best/love support possible.

He has brain damage due to brain surgery three years ago. He is disabled and has severe depression/anxiety. I want to help him and give him the best love/support possible. Can of you help me as I am his caregiver? Just looking for a little advice.

welcome to this forum that no one really wants to be a part of. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this Ashley.

As I have said many times, if someone is hell bent on ending their lives there really isn't anything you can do to stop them. You can love them as you obviously do but you can change their choice.

He obviously thinks the quality of his life isn't worth living. I pray that you can accept what ever happens and just continue to love him through it.

you are both in my prayers.

oh ashly,
I am sorry to read your story.
Please don't blame yourself.
You are only humane and you did what you thought was right at that moment.
I hope he is in counseling, you can not be his therapist.
Being his caregiver is a hard job and lots of responsibility.
I hope you have support for yourself.
Believe you too could benefit from a therapist.
Do you have siblings who could take on some of the tasks to give you a break? Do you have children? Friends?
Thinking of you today.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

@bizi I have two brothers who can't really do much to help me. One brother left yesterday to work in Nashville. I have a beautiful two year old daughter(the only grandchild in our family). I wish I did have more help with dad through my family and friends but I really don't mind spending time with him. I even switched all of my college courses to online so I could be home with him more. I'm going to talk to his psychiatrist before he leaves the hospital about maybe some therapy options for myself. I don't even know where to look.

I am very glad that you will be seeking some therapy/support.
Learning coping skills will help you care for yourself along with your father.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

@bizi my brothers react in different ways. One brother gets angry and my little brother pretends this isn't even happening. I guess everyone deals with this differently. Its so easy for people to tell me what I should be doing to care for my dad and what I am doing wrong, but they aren't the ones helping me care for him either. Sometimes it would be nice for someone to ask if I need a break and offer to come sit with dad or pick him up for the day. Due to active seizures, he isn't allowed to drive. I have never felt more alone. That's why I joined this forum. At the same time dad has been in the hospital for five days, I'm quite lonely without him being here.

I do have an update on him though: Dad called and said he wants to get sober. He also has an alcohol problem. So that's a step forward. I also asked him if we could create a care plan with the psychiatrist before he is released from the hospital. So hopefully his doctor will call me and schedule a meeting.

Dear Ashley,

As someone who has attempted suicide herself, I can tell you that there was nothing that anyone could have done to stop me when I became sick enough to try it. Had someone removed one means, I would have found another.

I realize you feel guilty, but you should not. You expect too much of yourself- you have gone above and beyond to care for your father and try to keep him safe. You are a wonderful, loving daughter.

Substance abuse disorders compound mental health problems. It is fantastic that your father has expressed a willingness to get sober! My bipolar disorder is much more under control since I quit drinking.

Creating a care plan with your father's psychiatrist before he's discharged is an excellent idea! I hope that the psychiatrist has some solutions that will make you feel more confident of your father's safety when he returns home.

I can't imagine the amount of pain you've been through or the amount of stress you've been under… It's important you take care of yourself before you can be there for your daughter and father. A good therapist can help.
I found mine by calling a local group practice. I let them know what kind of insurance I had and they assigned me a therapist who accepted it. You can also call your insurance company or visit their website to find one.

I wish you and your family the best.

Kay

I think it's easy for friends and family to tell me what is best for my dad, but they aren't the ones here helping me care for him either. I keep telling myself that over and over. It is impossible to know because they aren't here. They don't even offer to help me, but they do offer advice such as "send him away to a facility." That isn't the answer. He needs support and I won't abandon him just because his attempt made them uncomfortable. This isn't about them. It is about my dad and his recovery. Right? Life isn't easy and his pain isn't easy on him either. I'm not going to dump him off somewhere.

No one is suggesting that you dump him off Ashley..we are just concerned for you and the pressure you are under to assume the total care and responsibility for his survival. You are a loving daughter, obviously, and are hopeful and optimistic for his recovering from his dependence on alcohol and his depression.

You have gotten some good advice and I am glad you are sharing. :hug:

its the people in my family they want me to just put him somewhere. I don't think that's right. They aren't trained mental health professionals. How can they know what's right for him?

It should be a combination of yourself, your Dad and his Mental Health Care Team that decides where, and what, support he needs. You are clearly going above and beyond in the most difficult of circumstances - all for love.

I do think it a very good idea that you approach your Dad's Psychiatrist for advice about Therapy for yourself. He may also know of Care Schemes whereby you could get a few hours respite for yourself.

Whatever has happened, or happens in the future, please do not lay guilt upon yourself for your actions or any inactions. No-one can compel another to act in any way other than how they choose to.

Dave.

Thank you Dave. I know now that this wasn't my fault. I am trying to move forward with my dad's care, not move him backwards. He is so wonderful and has so much to live for. I cant make him see that though. He has to see that for himself. I am feeling much better today and working on getting in contact with his outpatient psychiatrist (the psychiatrist never calls back for whatever reason)

I just read that you are a full time college student.
wow! that is alot on your shoulders!!!!!
please take care.
bizi

@bizi yes! I'm working on my sophomore year of college. The new semester starts next week. I love college. Following in my dads foot steps to be a teacher. College is easy for me. I have a full grant to pay for everything. How many people can say that? Despite everything, college is the one thing I do for myself. I really enjoy it.

That is awesome!
bizi

It is easy for others to say what you should do, or what they would do, if they were in your position, but they are not his primary care givers, and do not spend enough time with him to be qualified to make those decisions.

You obviously have a high level of respect for your father and a you believe it's in his best interests to be in the community and to live with family. In most cases that is the best option, unless mh professionals tell you otherwise.

Is it possible to move your father to a different outpatient psychiatrist? I think it's important to have someone who will be more responsive to your concerns. You could use that support.

I would just like to say this to a very loving daughter
You are on your life's journey with such adversities and decisions
to make
You are NOT alone
This is not your fight
You make the choices right for you
Ask for help if you need it
Dealing with health professionals is a task
No need to go it alone
YOU ARE A LOVING DAUGHTER
make no mistake
Your father now recognizing he may need to sober up first and foremost is a great thing
Please know you have only a limited amount of control
As dear Alffe put it
It is out of your hands
Now you may want to see if attending a open meeting with him
Or meetings for someone such as yourself for possible codependency
what happens when we want to try and help not to see a loved one suffer and not realize it is happening to you also
Your strength I pray not hindered by the task you have taken on for love of school a daughter who also needs mommy and grandpa
You need to fulfill your dream and be that teacher you already are
Grandpa is sick right now in obvious many areas all coming to a head
I too have a daughter Saraeve who in the year 2003 April suffered her first grandmaul seizure and many sad depressing year for this now country traveling POET at thirty four
Getting ready for "the woman of the world event" will be held in New York my muse
Her failed brain surgery occipital lobe partial removal
Hence the loss of eye sight
No erratication of seizure
I had no clue she tried to commit suicide taking her meds and drank them down with alcohol
She survived but I could not fix what was wrong
I have had my own bouts
It is not my children's responsibility to make it their job to
take care of my mental state
I needed help in my lifetime
Many a times
Not ashamed to say so
I have taken what I needed and left the rest behind
My children have lives of their own to live
A difficult road for all four of my children
You and your love for dad is nowhere to be measured
You are a wonderful daughter who has a daughter herself
And I am privileged they want me in their lives
There are many types of people
In the sibling world
I believe you are the oldest of the three of you
I can say most times first born children are much different then those born in a different order
Your shoulders are broad
Please take this from a place of concern for a fellow human being
You will reach a threshold in everything you do in life
This is something you need help with

And you can
Ask for that help that is sometimes not offered
In college is there not a place you can turn to professional
persons who may need a shoulder to lean on
I am almost certain there is some form of help
Reach out as you do here
Continue to share
Let the bricks of helping someone you love and know YOU nor anyone else can stop him
But both you and him can start by attending an AA Meeting to get sober and you can accompany him to "open" meetings
Something you can do together
And then meetings for yourself for codependency you may not even see it
It wouldn't hurt
I wish you some relief of this terrible suffering your dad and you are in
My money is on YOU
stay in school
NEVER let anything allow you to waiver from your BLISS
Good luck to a very special individual
May you all come together during his road to sobriety
It will get bumpy.
But you found US
PEACE
Love
Me

As bizi says, that IS awesome:hug:

Dave.

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm going to visit dad later today at the hospital. I have talked to him every day since they moved him to the behavioral health floor, but haven't actually seen him since Monday. I will keep everyone posted on his progress. He is supposed to be asking his inpatient psychiatrist if we can have a family meeting with the doctor before he is released. This is something I have asked for as I need to feel comfortable having him here, and I have some questions. Today will be a good day.

Great news everyone! Dad is being released from the hospital tomorrow. And we have a family meeting with the psychiatrist before he comes home!! everything is looking up now:D

That is good news:). I hope in your meeting you are able to construct a Support Structure for both of you.

Dave.

Yes this is good news, do you think he was in there long enough?
bizi

I'm not really sure if he's been there long enough or not. I do have a lot of questions. Like how can I trust that he is going to tell me when he is not feeling good, or are there specific signs I can look for? These are things I'm going to ask the psychiatrist. I have a whole list compiled for the psychiatrist and my dad. They are important questions. I know if he really wants to commit suicide there is nothing I can do to stop him, sure, I can make it harder for him by "fool proofing" our home. I have a story I wrote about him for school last semester titled "The Most Wonderful Man I Know" I haven't let him read it because I have been waiting for an appropriate time. I think now would be the time to give it to him. Maybe if he is feeling down he can read it, and it could possible help. I don't know.

You
Are an awesome daughter
Blessed you are
The spirit lives in you
Love
Me

ashley,
yes I think now would be a good time to give it to him....you may want wait until you get home though? I don't know, what do you think?
bizi

That is great news Ashley! I am so glad that you have made a list of your concerns so you'll be prepared for the family meeting.

I am so impressed by your strength, intelligence, and love for your family :hug::hug::hug:

You definitely need to take care of yourself and your two year old child. I hope his docs can help him turn around his thinking.

Thinking of you Ashley and hoping your dear dad is making good progress. :hug: