who can i turn to???? suicidal/physical threats
 

trying to keep this short...

my partner and i have been together a month shy of 2 years. he's the tbi sufferer; result of a bad car crash about 4 years ago.

he's still currently dealing with legalities and medical nonsense from the crash, still fighting for SSI and an end to the car crash case. No, it's STILL not over.. that fact alone is a huge reason for his issues.

he's dealing with doctors he won't talk to...been through about 4 different psych docs already. they can't assess him because he won't talk about his daily difficulties bc he's got the lowest self esteem i've seen a person possess (all due to his head injury and the consequences of that). he's now threatening suicide and physical harm to others much more frequently than ever before. none of this is ever talked about because he claims that he can only speak to them about the accident and nothing else.

currently living with his mother is posing a HUGE problem medically. she has a whole dumpster load of her own issues and they very frequently are taken out on her son. she is a vile woman, with no rationale and a complete lack of people skills. she hounds him daily about a myriad of things, from chores to showering to laundry to brushing his teeth, taking meds, taking specific meds at "the appropriate time", how he didn't do something right that she asked of him (knowing that he needs in depth instruction)...etc. etc. etc. she does this with the nastiest tone out of the blue at any given moment in time. i've watched and heard her do it right in front of me.

he is having WEEKLY meltdowns now - disrupting me at work with long texts about how he wishes his mother was dead. last week i drove back and forth to his house 3-4 times to pick him up/drop him off because of their fighting. when he's with me, he's FINE! cooperative, bright, very helpful and deeply loving. he tries very hard and i always try to praise him when he's doing something good or right. we're even working on getting him back behind the wheel soon and he was looking optimistic. now....everything is changed. again.

i don't know what else to do. she is not at all helping his legal case, won't let me make any suggestions and verbally abuses her disabled son constantly. i am at my wits end.... who can i go to for help?!?!?!? is there no one that can help us???? i feel like the TWO of them together are going to ruin his life/case if they haven't done enough damage already. i care entirely way too much for him to give up. he deserves a decent life...and i would like him to have that with me.

i am going to see my own therapist tonight - she's not really supportive of our relationship because of how much i have to deal with, otherwise i'd ask her for help. there's got to be something we/i can do.....

Does he have another relative/friend he could live with?
Sounds like a very toxic & disruptive relationship with his mother.
He may snap at some point if he is telling you .."he is having WEEKLY meltdowns now - disrupting me at work with long texts about how he wishes his mother was dead."
Not a good situation at all.
You may not be able to change anything.. they may be both co dependent in this relationship from long before his accident..

Hi Jo. he doesn't have any other family to live with, unfortunately. most of his family have their own issues and his mother would NEVER let him live under another roof until this case is closed.

it's terrible.... i HATE when he is with her because it's only a matter of time before he texts me with drama. and it's always over the most ridiculous thing someone could be fighting about...usually because his mother is going on another one of her tyraids and badgering him about something stupid. the other day, he was driving her to some store and started to have a fit behind the wheel because she told him to watch out for a car in front of them (i'm sure in the bitchiest tone imaginable knowing her) and it scared him....he started banging his head into the wheel and punching it while still driving. this situation is very, very dangerous at this point.

i am afraid, moreso for his than her, safety. i certainly don't want him to snap - when everything is going well, he's so happy and optimistic, which is rarity most of the time.

If he can't or won't leave, I don't know what you can do.
If he can't afford, or get any mental/emotional therapy .. and she will always be his mother unless he cuts contact as it sounds others have done.
Long time toxic relationships are very hard to change , and throw in another illness or head injury..:(

Our sister site may be of help for the mental/emotional issues- http://psychcentral.com/
What are your ages?

scarletB's

How old is he ? How can his mother control where he lives ?

What state and locale does he live in ? Different states have different systems and resources. We can research the resources for you.

There are group homes in some areas that specialize in providing living quarters for people with neuro injuries. They know how to provide proper support without impacting independence. I know people who live in these facilities. My brain injury support group has a good number of them.

An extreme but possibly lifesaving option is to seek to have him assessed for his mental health. The 'threat to self or others' get him help quickly.

If his legal case is strong, he may be able to find a place to live that will bill his settlement. They sometimes get paid by a state fund (Medicaid) but the state fund gets reimbursed with the lawsuit.

You say "still fighting for SSI" Is he applying for SSDI (Social Security Disability Income) or just SSI, Social Security Income (a welfare benefit)?

Does he have an attorney for his SSDI application ?

It took me 3 years to get SSDI approved from first application to final administrative hearing approval.

he's 23. still legally a dependent, and his mother receives benefits because of that. and i know for a fact she doesn't want to lose that, because it helps her own case she has going.

we're based in upstate NY. i tried reaching out to some organizations up here and not a single person has ever gotten back to me. i tried talking to her about this but she says they tried every avenue and he wanted nothing to do with it.

i don't know how strong his case is honestly... this has been hung up for the past 3-4 years with no end in sight. after all of the evaluations, medications and tests, i guess they are still not convinced that he has some serious impairments. if he was left to his own devices, he'd end up homeless. that's a guarantee. and that's exactly what is going to happen as soon as his mother is not around anymore.

just don't know what else to do.. but it's infuriating to sit here and just watch all of this crazy BS go on and no one do anything about it. he needs some serious help and she isn't providing that at all, rather she is just making everything worse. his future with me looks very, very difficult and bleak at this rate. i want to try everything in my power to make sure we're ok and that HE is ultimately ok. i cannot do that without help from people who know what they're talking about though....

oh, and he does have an attorney for ssi supposedly... he was denied last year and his mom has been trying get another application going.

she was supposed to get them a list of meds he was on over Xmas.... she never told him anything about it bc she didn't want him flipping out. when she finally told him, it was PASSED the due date and she jumped all over his *** to go get the information she needed a long time ago. so i have no idea what is going on with any of it. she won't tell me anything about it ever, unless he's not cooperating with her, probably bc she feels she knows best as his mother.....

i'm stuck. he's stuck...and now in a 2 and a half day emotional hole since he and his mother started fighting a few days ago.. he continues trying to push me away and be nasty towards me (completely unwarranted)... i've been trying to discuss short-term options with him to make him more comfortable and he's refusing. the amount of anxiety this is all giving me is unreal..... but i moved out of state to be with him and so, i'm going to be REALLY hard for him to get rid of if he ever even manages to...

It's a bit odd the mother "doesn't" know what meds a disabled son is on....:confused:
But if he stays "disabled" she can continue getting benefits while she "cares" for him..

So she doesn't want him to get better or get any benefits of his own, or if he does she wants to control that also..
A sad situation, but one that will probably continue...

guess i'm all alone in this then....

wonderful.

It's just a very complicated situation, if he has a case worker of some sort, might be worth contacting them?
But with confidentiality rules, unless he gives consent for the person to talk to you... your options to intervene are limited.
Much more is involved in the situation than just the PCS/TBI part of things.

A lawyer or a legal issue specialized website, might have more options/ideas for you.

Here is a support group page from the website of the Brain Injury Association of New York State. Your situation and that of your boyfriend sounds very complicated. Perhaps you could try finding a support group in your area where you may be able to get some ideas to sort out the situation. He may not be interested in it at all, but you need some support right now and that's what they're there for really.

http://bianys.org/programs/support-groups/