How do marriages survive TBI?
 

My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together for 23. Our marriage has had its ups and downs but we have always made it through.

I am 2.5 years post TBI and I feel like there is no way we will make it. I feel like he is hanging on to look like a hero until the big legal payout and then he will hit the road.

He says that he was so over us when my accident happened, but he decided to live by his vows and stand by me. The problem is, he always throws it back in my face. I feel like everything he does is so that he can look like a good man to everyone else. Prior to my accident he did nothing around the house, or with the kids. He was responsible for being a career man and I took care of the household. Well now he has to do a lot of the household stuff that I did, but while he does it he complains to the kids and I about how he does everything and we are lazy. The thing is I do lots too, sure it isn't like it was before but I don't sit around on my *** all day.

He spends zero time connecting with me or the kids, and then complains when I show him no affection or intimacy. And then gets mad when it isn't front of mind for me, he thinks I am torturing him on purpose.

So when we come to blows, it always comes back to this. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me but then he can't understand why I am the way that I am. Simple discussions become huge blowouts because he just keeps going at me over and over and over.

I thought he got it, but I am really beginning to wonder if he ever really will. I've shared enough articles with him about my changes and struggles, and what that does to relationships. But it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other.

Wow.....

Well it was the same over here......One day I just had enough.....

I moved 1700 miles away, and shortly after filed for a divorce.....

I may be alone, but Im happy that all the nagging and not trying to learn or have empathy is over!

When my wife was diagnosed with her brain tumour back in 2007, I didn't even consider leaving her. She had her first operation and recovered. A few years after we married and had our son. Then we had our daughter, after which her scan showed that her residule tumour was growing again. And I also gained a concussion around the time of her second operation, last year. She had her new scan results yesterday and she is now tumour free and the biopsy came back as benign grade 1.

Through all of this we have also had daily life struggles and two young kids to look after. But we stick together because we only have each other.

Families should stick together theough hard times. Maybe your husband needs to understand how important family is.

Im sorry. Mine didn't and we were high school sweethearts since I was 15! However, I am not going to get into it, but I will say because no prenup (why on EARTH would I have one, right?) the settlement I got, 50/50 automatically, but I STILL got screwed in the end by the time everything was done. Waited WAY too long to divorce HIM! All it was was lawyers arguing and padding THEIR pockets. It was a collaborative divorce. DON'T EVER DO THAT kind!! We should've just gone to court ourselves!! The lawyers got rich off me. I was still too messed ip mentally.

So I am sorry.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

KOM,

I understand your struggles. Your struggle is not uncommon.

I bet your participation in housework and other household issues is two fold. Some tasks are a struggle to do from a physical perspective due to your injuries. Others may be a struggle to stay connected to the task due to forgetfulness and such. I would not be surprised you have lost some of the instinctive drive to 'take care of the nest.' Brain injury can be tough in that way.

For those tasks that you can do physically, you can ask him to make lists for you to follow. There is no reason the kids cannot participate doing the work on the lists. My wife taught our kids to do their own laundry when the youngest was 8, the oldest 11. If they wanted to wear it clean, it was their responsibility to get it laundered (washer and drier) . It helped them learn some good life skills. They had other responsibilities, keeping the kitchen and bath orderly, etc. I did the heavy bath cleaning and other household work. .

The intimacy issue is difficult. Women change in this area even without a brain injury. Peri-menopause can be as rough as menopause. The personality changes can be rough. I have to learn to act caring even though the innate feeling of caring is not there. We can retrain some of these lacking feelings to at least be able to act them out when they do not come naturally.

But, you can't change his attitude. Men go through changes too. Especially as we approach and go through the 40's. Those middle life changes can mean we need to learn new relationship skills as a couple.

Have you done any couples counseling ? Is he willing to participate ? I'm sure that with a little research, you can find a counselor how works with the personality changes from brain injury.

The challenge is his level of commitment. If it is not there, he can respond, 'I know the issues but I just do not care anymore.' As the saying goes, You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

I would hope that any big legal payout would stay with you. You are the one who went through the pain and suffering. He just experienced the ups and downs of life. I hope he understand that it will be much more expensive for you two to live apart. Learning to live together even when the feeling are not there has other benefits. If he can learn and accept them as valid.

But, it sounds like he was already checking out before your accident. Has he ever explained his reasons for that disconnect? Maybe there is something that can be addressed in that area.

I understand the strain this can cause to a family. My kids lived with my struggles, too. My wife can now identify the behaviors and the changes I underwent over the years after each concussion. We're going on 36 years and PCS issues started rearing their ugly head at about the 2nd year. Fortunately, we kept the mechanics of the relationship going even when the feelings of the relationship were weak.

My heart goes out to you.

I've often wanted to do that, but my kids keep me going at it. Trust me, I have days where I think they would be better off without me too. It's so hard.

Thanks. It really sucks, and as Mark says above, the settlement shouldn't be 50/50 but it is... that money is for my pain and suffering, for my loss of income and my future medical needs.

Thank you Mark! You really are the wise elder ;)

I know the stress of it all has been too much for him at times, which I understand. I just wish that he would be more accepting to my struggles. I am far from perfect. He says that he feels that I do so much of this to him on purpose.

I am going to look into some marriage counselling options and hope that he is open to it.

So damn true :( The loss of income has NO measurement and NO settlement can or will EVER replace. I'm sorry for my wording, this is so a bad area of mine. Anyway. All I know is, it is just SO unfair in the end. Personally? Shouldn't have got even CLOSE to what he got. I'm the one who flat-lined. I'm the one who suffers everyday and WILL suffer every day. He just walks away. You know. I wasn't trying to be a bad person here. However, I WAS trying to work.

Went back in my same field, but didn't stay at same job for more than 3 months. Couldn't handle it, mentally nor physically. Very disheartening. Couldn't give up, so I tried another position. Epic fail. I have now moved 700 miles away and finally stopped altogether.

So upsetting. Too young for this, but hey, I wanted to shed light on our misfortunes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Knocked out mom,

sorry to hear about your situation. My marriage didn't make it through PCS. I moved out about four month ago. My son came with me. It was a huge step into an unknown future.

Most of the time I do feel a lot better. I can rest when I need to without being yelled at for being lazy. I can do my housework whenever I want to do it. I can take brakes.

My husband didn't understand, or maybe didn't want to understand what PCS is and what I was going through.
He was embarrassed to tell other people what was wrong with me, when he went to a friends birthday or so, every time he made up something else, so he wouldn't have to tell the truth.

Now I go to work, handle my housework and everything around my eight year old son. It works, some days it is hard, other days it is easy.

I do feel lonely every now and then, but then I keep telling myself, that it was the best thing I could do. During the last year of my marriage I felt a lot more lonely.

Anja

When a spouse has medical needs, concussions or otherwise, it shows the true character of the other spouse.

KOM, Can your settlement be structured so a partial lump sum is just enough to pay off medical bills and the rest is paid to you monthly ?

I would think that if he can claim part of your settlement, then you should be able to claim part of his continuing income and pension above child support levels.

Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry for your "losses".

I realize what I am about to say is easy to say but so hard to do--- sometimes we must let go to have as some people have shared. I have had to do that many times in different ways. Always hard but as I go through it if I find support and persevere, I make it through. That's how I ended up with my current husband of 21 years.

May I suggest, in addition to here, find support from other groups. Maybe there is a local group where you live. If you feel there is any chance maybe you can go to couples therapy. There are some therapists who do it as a group and it costs a lot less. Maybe even a clergy. My husband and I started couples therapy to improve our communication a couple of months before this happened and I am so glad we did.

This concussion/pcs has taught my husband and I each different things. He has learned a new level of patience and I have learned to focus and not multi-task. Not that I could multi task with this anyway. We also found our communication has improved. We have had to both slow down and to take the time to listen to each other because of this PCS. It has slowed me way down. I am sharing to support you --to shine a light on what you deserve.

I also realize how much our lives have changed because of me. My spouse too has had to stand by me.

I also am fortunate my pcs seems to be progressing well, maybe 5%/week. I am a newbie and I realize i do not presume to know the toll after years of this as mine has only been about 9 weeks. Never thought I'd say that.

I have to say a large part of my progress is due to this group and all the great advice and my husband. Mark you are truly a wise elder and there are others who consistently share which makes such a difference to know one is not alone and someone fully gets it.

I realized again after reading another post this AM just how fortunate I am that my husband has been there for me in ways that if he wasn't, I would have had a totally different journey. He is semi-retired which also makes it easier and we depend on his income. So I get to rest when I need and go at the pace I need. I get if someone is in your life with this, they need to be a support; otherwise, they make everything worse. Understanding goes a long way.

My husband is a good man and there are good men/people out there who have an understanding heart. No it is not easy. There were nights he would wake because of my restlessness and hold my hand and stay awake with me because I was so scared. He is a keeper and he feels the same about me.

You deserve better. I get how much courage it takes and the willingness on both parts. If you have done the best you can whatever that is, and he is not willing to accept that, then you cannot change him. It would be unhealthy for you to have to fight this, on so many levels, if he is not willing to try to work with you and compromise.

We all have our faults and different issues in us that arise with different people. My Dad once said as long as the good outweighs the bad then you have a good thing. That is provided the bad is not abuse of any kind.

I am sending you prayers and all the best.

The timing of this thread is impeccable I must say. I've read that there is a 80% failure rate for relationships when one of the participants sufferes a TBI. I now believe I am part of the 80% with the recent developments in my relationship. Please refer to my previous threads for details. They're not pretty, but they're raw emotion.

For me, or my relationship, it failed because of a lack of communication. Now I don't put all the blame on her. Not at all, in fact I take most of the responsibility because I was unable to prioritize. Not that I'm in any condition to do so. I was unable to control my emotions. I said horrible things I never would have said in a million years prior to this horrible affliction. The truth is all I ever wanted was a partner. Someone who loved me and shows me this by getting involved and communicating. As the months wore on and she continued to support me financially but less and less emotionally, it really started to hurt. When my brother died, the wheels fell off of my anger control. I started to scream at her for not holding me, or telling me it would be ok. Or asking how I was doing. I could have been stronger. I could have been more of a support for her. I just didn't have it in me. I lost her because I couldn't see through the brain fog and see how much it truly meant having the person I loved for three years. She stuck by my side at age 21 and is still paying my rent and getting groceries for me. It's such a confusing situation. I always told her I would trade those things for communication and emotional support. I guess I will never get it and all the temper tantrums in the world weren't going to pry it out of her.

Mark chose wisely.

I was able to have lunch with he and his wife in Oct./15. I enjoyed Mark's company and was equally as impressed with his wife. The kindness, patience and sharing of her time allowing me to ask questions and compare PCS notes was remarkable, she has lived with PCS along time too.

I asked my wife to marry me 38 years ago and it wasn't until almost 2 years ago that my accident happened and I was able to really grasp what was the best decision of my life.

She has been the reason I have worked to get better and to find my way out of a dark and scary time of life, she earned and deserved every bit of strength I could muster to overcome PCS. Probably the biggest thing she has done for me besides rubbing my head every night for many months to calm me down and ease the headaches has been to believe I wasn't making all the strange symptoms up...even when I doubted myself and no doc had an answer other than anxiety.

Danny, I have had to really struggle with me not always feeling confident around her as in the past. Sometimes I have turned a silence or figured when she said something she actually meant something else into huge storms of insecurity in my mind and want to yell or accuse her of someone else...all very unfounded. It took every ounce of control I had at times to hold back the outbursts raging for release inside.

I think I am fortunate to have been married awhile and have relied a lot upon experience and actual history in our relationship to correct some of the goofy thinking that PCS causes. I feel for you younger kids with PCS who don't have the life experience us older folks have to help right the lies and suspicions that are a part of a PCS journey.

KOM, I wouldn't mind relaying some of my PCS experience to your husband. Maybe if he knows it isn't you, that PCS truly is a strange journey but we look and move so like the old us. No one who hasn't had a good dose of PCS can understand how hard it can be to get out of bed or to smile and enjoy what once was a blast but now is distant or how much physical and mental energy it takes to live a semi normal day. How hard we actually are trying to be ourselves isn't readily visible.

I sort of look at it like Humpty Dumpty did get put back together again but there are definitely some pieces in the wrong place, if only we knew where those pieces were and were they went.

Bud

No need to apologize, I understand exactly what you were trying to say. Sucks that we all have to deal with this.

That is a very good question! I know nothing about legal stuff and settlements, so this is all very new to me. I will be sure to look into that.

Thank you everyone for your advice and insight.

KOM,

I think we tend to take each other's up and downs personally...most of it tends to be pretty familiar.

Bud

I want to THANK YOU for having the coursge to put this thread out "here." It's taken me over a decade to start "dealing" with my issues of my problems. I've been in denial for so long. My crash was in 2001 and the initial bodily injuries (besides brain) surgeries happened and went thru that rehab, but now it's all starting up again. My body is failing me. Not only my brain, but the joints and [emoji24] Definitely sucks is right!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk