horrible times
 

Hello im new here to this site. Iv been going through some pretty horrible times in the last year or so actually its been more like the last 5 or 6 years. Im disabled and many people seem to have a problem with that fact about me. I have been stalked, made fun of, my reputation in this town is completly shot where I live.

Im so down sometimes i don't see how I can keep going on. I don't understand people at all!!!

I had to quit my job because I became so exstreamly afraid of people I could not come out of my house.

I am now barely hanging on, Im still not able to come out of my house unless its to go to a member of families house and even thats becomeing hard.

I don't know how to keep on going,,,

Im a christian too so when i think of ending it all, I have to fight with that trying to understand GODs word on the whole sistuation.

Thanks for letting me vent I have no where elese to talk..

xena

Xena Hi and welcome to the community! My mom has struggled with anxiety and fear for many years. This of course can cause horrible depression. I remember a time when she couldn't come out of the house either. In time if she did manage to go out my Dad had to park somewhere close where the car could not possibly get blocked in so that if and when she was ready she could go. I remeber how she would get and I knew she felt trapped and frustrated. I think that you are a wonderful place here on these message boards. There are so many people who can help. They are so kind and they really do care too! Hang in there Xena.....and keep posting here.:hug: Hugs to you

thank you dorrie, yes thats exactly how I have felt all my life, Trapped because of my disabilities because im so limitted in the things i can and can't do. its horrible! and then to top it all off to be stalked and made fun of.

Who wants to come out of there house when thats the way they will be treated, who wants to work in an enviorment like that?

NOT ME!

and I offten wonder whats the point when thats the kind of life you have to live.


xena

Xena Life is always worth living, Sweetie! There are alway rainbows after thunderstorms! I always like to give a certain tidbit of advice because I have seen it work. My Mom is the one who always reminds me of it. I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and she always tells me to SLOW DOWN! She means to slow down in everything I do. Talk slower, eat slower, move slower....do everything slower. It is calming. I know that it is really hard to practice but just keep at it. It has helped me and many of my friends, including my manager at work. She, like me, becomes overwhelmed and we have both started to consciencely slow ourselves down. It really does help! My mom lives by that rule and she has came so far! She used to cry when I would go to leave to go home....this tore me up as I needed to leave at the time. She would not leave the house but did not want to be alone either....she would beg me to wait till my Dad came home. She cried alot of the time. Fear....she knows that now...was holding her back. Each person is different and goodness knows where the fear may come from but it is there and it is very REAL! Xena have you ever talked to a doctor about it? These boards are good as well. I wish you had a better responce from people on here....usually there is alot of people responding. Hang in there and keep on posting! I am here and I hope that helps. I want you to be OK. I know it sounds dum but think of the things that you are grateful for in life....those things are worth hanging on for. I got sobe that way and on July 30 2007 I will be celebrating 7 years of sobriety!! It was not easy but I knew that I wanted my life to get better and over time it did. You should browse around the internet as well....not just for info on your problems but also for some inspiration! Remember the Footprints poem.....god is carrying you, Xena! Have faith in that. Reach out for his help as well...it is always there! I will post again later!Thinking of you:hug: Dorrie xo

Hi Xena :)

I want to welcome you to NeuroTalk and also to say how very sad it makes me to know you have been so horribly treated by people.:(

I too can never understand how people can be so cruel to others, especially when we have limitations in health. I thank God that there ARE caring people in this world and I pray that He will lead them to you, Xena

Our community here is one filled with those caring people, and although I know that even close cyber friends cant ever fully accomplish what person to person real life contact can, yet I know for myself some of my closest and dearest friends for life are ones I have never met "in the flesh" :grouphug:

I am sooooo very thankful that you have come to join in this very real community of people who are here for one primary reason....to share each others struggles and triumphs and experiences, and to help each other along the way.

Xena, you mentioned your faith, which I share, and so I was wondering if you have a church fellowship? The mark of a Christian fellowship group should be their love for the Lord followed by their care for one another. I would truly hope you could find such a church, because I can speak from personal experience when I say it makes all the difference in the world to be surrounded by a group, nomatter how small, who you resonate with in spirit.

again, welcome and I am so glad you found us:hug:
God Bless
Cheri

Hi Xena,
 

I have delt with depression all of my life and have been suicidal also.
I know a lot of what you are going through.

As Chemar says, you should find a Church to join. I know that is easier said then done also. Like you, I still have trouble leaving my home and I have an implant put in me for depression. It was put in me in April and this month has seemed like it is doing nothing for me. My depression has been through the roof and I find it hard to leave the house also.

I do go to councelling. I have been in it for over 8 years to try and get to where I feel like I'm normal. I have never felt normal. I have been ill all of my life also and I hate being around people. Even though I have good family and good support, it doesn't change how I feel.

My husband use to go places and let me stay at home. When we first got married in 72, I would go everywhere with him and I went to work and supported our daughter after he became disabled and thought I was leading somewhat of a normal life. Back in 87, I had a setback and went right back into the black hole that you are in now.

The greatest thing that helps me is councelling. If you find a good councellor that will listen to you and you will soon find you have a friend in him or her.

i hope you do find a way to reach out in your neighborhood for some help to get you through these hard times.

You will love it here. There are so many good people here that will work hard at helping you through what you are going through.

This is my home away from the home I have trouble leaving so I know this will be a good place for you to come to and talk to people and fill the void you have by not being able to get out.

Like you, I don't even like to go to families homes. I haven't been back home in over 4 years because I can't do it. I have just came to accept where I am now. I'm ok with it and that's what you have to do is become ok with where you are at right now.

I hope you do stay here with us.

Ada

Hi Ada and Zena,

I used to not ever be depressed, but then so many depressing things happened... it was so stressful for SO MANY YEARS...

I think stressful things wear us out.

What happened for me that was a lifesaver (ha) is that when I tried to kill myself in 1997, they did a B12 test and found I had "profound" anemia... b12 deficiency.

But they failed to do much about it (I was taken out of the hospital and put in jail for weeds in my yard.)

But after awhile I got B12 replacement therapy, and after I had a lot of B12 replacement the feeling of depression was replaced by a lot more hopeful thinking.

So what I think now... is that for me the depression was related to how bad my memory became... I couldn't remember any good times, just the stressful ones.

If someone is having depression and has dealt with a lot of stress, I would really wish for them to try vitamin b12... quite a lot of it. A small amount wasn't very helpful to me... it was after I saw a neurologist and he said I should take more when I was under stress, and I did, that I began to have some real improvement.

Now I'm very seldom depressed. Court stuff can make me depressed, because the judges sometimes seem so corrupt...

But that's a long story. :rolleyes:

iv been on B12 and all other kinds of vitamins my problem is not that, i have dealt with discrimination all my life includeing by family members, my disability is not what most people have, I have been dx'ed with MR all my life. I teeter back and foruth from being able to be independent to needing help at times.

As a child I had IQ's 64 and some in the 50ties I have worked hard to try to make it in this world on my own but, I keep falling down all the time.

well now life is so hard I can't deal with it im ready for God to take me.

it seems there is no hope left for my life..



mommy

Oh.

It's very hard having a disability. I know exactly what you mean about the way people treat you.

I used to be really bright and I was so good at talking... always the right words.
But then I fell and hit my head and I was living in hydrogen sulfide... and now I get confused a lot. But I still have a good vocabulary some of the time, so people either seem to be taking advantage of me because I'm slow, or expecting more from me than I can possibly do.

Do you mean that you are actually falling down? like to the ground?

Do you know what is causing that?

I fall, I think it's from the nerve damage. But it's been a few weeks since I fell.

Do you have any idea what your B12 level is? I know you don't think that's a part of your problem... it's just that for me my level had to get a LOT higher before it helped. When my B12 level goes below 900 then I start feeling really depressed... and stress lowers my B12 level.

You sound as if you have a lot of stress.

(((((((Mommy))))))))

Is there something that you like to do? What do you like to do?

well im really good at triping over my own feet, running into the wall, but what I mean is my life keeps crashing on me. I seem to be able to handle independenc for awhile then I crash and burn and I need someone to pick me back up again. I have a really hard time understanding people and the way they do things it all seems like Im some kind of alian on this planet or something cuz peoples ways make no sence to me.

I have a really hard time haveing friends because I just don't understand them but, children seem to really like me alot and I understand them alot better then I do adults.

but teenagers I don't understand at all...

life is lonely for me and very hard ..

mommy

Oh.

Well, if children like you that's really good.

I find it extremely hard to understand people sometimes. Then I get angry and that's no good.

Since they turned out my lights without any warning I swear at the power company people whenever I can. (No Miss Congeniality here.)

Do you like movies?

I trip and bump into things.

But after I had a LOT of B12 replacement I bump into things less. I had a shot a day for a long time. I had a doctor that gave me a huge prescription for it.

I am quite happy when I'm by myself... except like you say, it gets lonely. But when I'm alone I'm not so aware of my disability. that's why I asked you what you enjoyed... maybe you could do more of that.

Oh yes they do , and I love them very much too, I have niecies and a nephew and they are what makes my world so much better. When im able to be around them I have so much fun. Of course I get into trouble for spoiling them so much but, I think of them as my babies.

There not but I wish they were and I wish I had alot of babies of my own.

Thank you for talking to me, you are a sweet person! im sorry the light power company turned off your lights.. Thats awlful! people are crule. Its too bad it has to be that way, if only people would love more and hate less..

theres just not enough love in this world....


mommy

my favorite song
 

"What the world needs now
is love, sweet love
it's the only thing
that there's just too little of
What the world needs now
is love, sweet love,
no not just for some
but for everyone.

Lord, we don't need
another mountain,
there are mountains
and hillsides enough to climb
There are oceans
and rivers enough to cross,
enough to last
'til the end of time.

What the world needs now
is love, sweet love
it's the only thing
that there's just too little of
What the world needs now
is love, sweet love,
no, not just for some
but for everyone.

Lord, we don't need
another meadow
there are cornfields
and wheat fields enough to grow
There are sunbeams
and moonbeams enough to shine
oh listen, lord,
if you want to know.

What the world needs now
is love, sweet love
it's the only thing
that there's just too little of
What the world needs now
is love, sweet love,
no, not just for some
but for everyone.

No, not just for some,
oh, but just for everyone

I got an email last night and I started answering it and I didn't come back to this forum.

But what a nice thing to wake up to, the words to your favorite song.

Thank you.

You know what, you've just got to do more stuff that you love so that the mean people can't get to you.

There's someone on these forums that has been so mean to me... and when I let her get to me it makes me sick, literally. So I just have to do my own thing and not let her energy take away mine.

I love your song.

Thank you.

I agree with the words to your song. :)

I was kind of hoping I'd get to see you before I had to go to sleep. (I'm so tired.)

It would be so great if you posted another song... I'd really love to read another one.

I used to listen to music, then then... once I had a lot of nerve damage I didn't enjoy music the way I had before... and I've never been sure why.

Anyway, I thought I'd ask you...

(((((((((Mommy))))))))))

Mommy,

Like the others that have written here, I am so sorry that you have been so mistreated by others.

I'm glad to hear though that you are a Christian. You do know then that God loves you and wether you feel it or not right now, he does have great plans for you.

I would recommend two things to you that I believe will help you feel better.

First off, find other Christian friends. People who are there to lift you up not tear you down.

The next, get out of that house and find others who also have disabilities and are feeling low and give of yourself to help them. The more you help others thru your disabilitiy, the better you will begin to feel.

The Lord has a purpose for you no matter what condition you are in.

I pray that HE will show you that soon!

Peggy

I just love this song
 

He's Alive
Don Francisco


The gates and doors were barred
And all the windows fastened down
I spent the night in sleeplessness
And rose at every sound
Half in hopeless sorrow
And half in fear the day
Would find the soldiers breakin' through
To drag us all away

And just before the sunrise
I heard something at the wall
The gate began to rattle
And a voice began to call
I hurried to the window
Looked down into the street
Expecting swords and torches
And the sound of soldiers' feet

But there was no one there but Mary
So I went down to let her in
John stood there beside me
As she told me where she'd been
She said they might have moved Him in the night
And none of us knows where
The stone's been rolled away
And now His body isn't there

We both ran toward the garden
Then John ran on ahead
We found the stone and empty tomb
Just the way that Mary said
But the winding sheet they wrapped Him in
Was just an empty shell
And how or where they'd taken Him
Was more than I could tell

Oh something strange had happened there
Just what I did not know
John believed a miracle
But I just turned to go
Circumstance and speculation
Couldn't lift me very high
'Cause I'd seen them crucify him
Then I saw him die

Back inside the house again
The guilt and anguish came
Everything I'd promised Him
Just added to my shame
When at last it came to choices
I denied I knew His name
And even if He was alive
It wouldn't be the same

But suddenly the air was filled
With a strange and sweet perfume
Light that came from everywhere
Drove the shadows from the room
And Jesus stood before me
With his arms held open wide
And I fell down on my knees
And I just clung to Him and cried

Then He raised me to my feet
And as I looked into His eyes
The love was shining out from Him
Like sunlight from the skies
Guilt in my confusion
Dissappeared in sweet release
And every fear I'd ever had
Just melted into peace

He's alive yes He's alive
Yes He's alive and I'm forgiven
Heaven's gates are open wide
He's alive yes He's alive
Oh He's alive and I'm forgiven
Heaven's gates are open wide
He's alive yes He's alive
Hallelujah He's alive
He's alive and I'm forgiven
Heaven's gates are open wide
He's alive He's alive He's alive
I believe it He's alive
Sweet Jesus

Wow, that's a song? I never saw or heard it before.

Are you feeling better?

I'm glad I got to see you for a moment. :)

I'm so tired, though, that I have to crash.

((((((((Mommy))))))))

its a really great song, I love that song. its not a sad song its a happy song and it really happend.

if you want me to explain it to you let me know its all in the bible.

mommy

That's nice of you, mommy, thank you.

I grew up Catholic, though... I went to a Catholic grade school and Catholic high school with a convent across the street... so I do know the story.

I just had never seen or heard the song.

(((((((Mommy))))))

what other songs do you like?

Sometimes we make it harder than it is
Well take a perfect night
And fill it up with words we dont mean
Dark sides best unseen
And we wonder why were feeling this way.

Sometimes I wonder if we really feel the same
Why we can be unkind
Questioning the strongest of hearts
Thats when we must start
Believing in the one thing that has gotten us this far.

Thats what love is for
To help us through it
Thats what love if for
Nothing else can do it.

Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, thats what love is for.

Sometimes I see you
And you dont know I am there
And Im washed away by emotions
I hold deep down inside
Getting stronger with time
Its living through the fire
And holding on we find

Thats what love is for
To help us through it
Thats what love if for
Nothing else can do it.

Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, thats what love is for.

Believing in the one thing
That has gotten us this far
Thats what love is for
To help us through it
Thats what love if for
Nothing else can do it.

Round off the edges
Talk us down from the ledges
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, thats what love is for
Thats what love if for.

Thats what love if for
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, thats what love is for.
Thats what love if for.
Thats what love if for.
Thats what love if for.

That song sounds familiar. Who is it by?

Do you write your own poetry at all? It seems as if you have a real feeling for that kind of thing.

((((((((Mommy))))))))

oops no that was by Amy Grant
this one is by micheal w smith


Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

To see You high and lifted up
Shining in the light of Your glory
Pour out Your power and love
As we sing holy, holy, holy

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
I want to see You

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
I want to see You


Open the eyes

by micheal w smith

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I, I'm desperate for you
And I, I'm I'm lost without you



This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I, I'm desperate for you
And I, I'm I'm lost without you

And I, I'm desperate for you,
And I, I'm lost without you,

I'm lost without you,

I'm so lost without you.

I'm so lost without you.

I'm so lost without you,

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I, I'm desperate for you
And I, I'm lost without you.

MY mom can sing this song very beautifully she has a very beautiful voice.


Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dominus
Dominus tecum
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
Et benedictus
Et benedictus fructus ventris
Ventris tuae, Jesus.
Ave Maria

Ave Maria
Mater Dei
Ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Ora pro nobis
Ora, ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Nunc et in hora mortis
Et in hora mortis nostrae
Et in hora mortis nostrae
Et in hora mortis nostrae
Ave Maria

I love you , by amy grant

You were pretty crazy,
Back when we fell in love.
Wanting to be everything,
That I would be proud of.
Hours we spent dreaming,
How we'd beat the odds.
Now the truth has hit us.
Life is very hard.
Life can be so hard.

Chorus:
I love you.
Deeper than I ever dreamed of,
I need you. (I need you.)
Staying here 'til we can work it out,
I want you.
Knowing that through all the changes,
I love you. (I love you.)
Somehow I just had to tell you now.

Yeah)
Oh, to stay your princess,
If I only could.
If you never saw the rotten;
Only saw the good.
You'd still be prince charming,
But we would never know,
How it's in the darkest times,
True love finally grows.
Come on true love grow.

(Repeat Chorus)

You got me, I got you.
Sometimes it takes a little working through,
But I can tell you now...

(Repeat Chorus Twice)

(I need you.)
(I love you.)
(I need you.)
(I love you.)

yes i really do love him, and I can't wait for the day when I will live with him in his kingdom. There will be nothing but love and peace and kindness in his kingdom I know he loves me because he makes me feel it all the time.

but I want more then anything to go and live in his kingdom with him.

its soomething I want so badly..

mommy

:confused:

I think it's a problem with religion if people somehow feel that there's nothing in the present life that is as good as what is to come.

I worked with a lovely gay man who committed suicide.

The morning that he died, the alarm went off at a property that we had both worked on and that had caused some problems.

I think, I really think, that when he died, when he had successfully killed himself that he was alarmed and that's why the alarm went off.

I don't think it's a good idea to think about death or the after life when you could be thinking of good things to do here.

You have helped me overcome some upsets...

but your religious posts aren't that helpful because they are ... I don't know... they are so "learned" so much a matter of what is preached...

I feel as if the preaching is very hollow given that there is all this war in the lands referred to as "Holy" --

If religion was really worth something, then wouldn't the Palestinians be allowed to live in peace...?????

im sorry these songs are not helping you!

Im sorry...


mommy

I'm glad you are enjoying them.

Your message about wanting to be in the after life made me think of Ron.

I just don't want you to lose a minute of the beauty of this life which is a gift.

(((((((mommy)))))))))

I have a different belife about what you call the after life, see I don't belive it is the afterlife but , a better life to come.

This place called heaven to me its another place just like earth only so much better. We will have bodies that never grow old and can never die.

Its such a beautiful place that once your there you never want to leave.

we can eat, drink, love , just like here on earth. but we can have everything we want no matter what it is.

earth prepares us for this other planet which is called heaven by GOD. Because we have to know how to handle this place so we have to live here first then when we are ready we get to live in a place where we can have anything we want anytime we want..

Its beautiful its wonderful,,, its not dieing not in my eyes...

its liveing ..

mommy

Well, okay.

As long as you wait for God to call you.

((((((((Mommy)))))))))

Hi Xena, I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are.

(((((((xena))))))))

hi still hanging in there,,,
Hope all is well with you!

GoD Bless to you!
and to all!

mommy


The splendor of a King,
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice,
And trembles at his voice

CHORUS(1):
How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God

VERSE(2):
Age to age he stands
And time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb,
The Lion and the Lamb

CHORUS(1):
How great is our God,
sing with me
How great is our God,
all will see
How great, How great
Is our God

CHORUS(2)
Name above all names
You are Worthy of all praise
and My heart will sing how great
Is our God
(x2)

CHORUS(1):
How great is our God,
Sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God


CHORUS(1):
How great is our God,
Sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God

Artist: Shawn McDonald
Album: Ripen
Year: 2006
Title: Free


I feel like the weight of the world is, Crashing down on me
& some how I just don’t believe, This how it is suppose to be
All this expectation on, the way I’m suppose to live
Becomes my minds distraction, with nothing left to give

You said your burden is light & Your load is no more
You said your ways are right & in you I will soar

I want to be free, Free to dance & free to sing
Free to live & learn & free oh, free to be me

I feel like my Heart is being Beat, down into the ground,
In you I’m longing for some peace, to be found
I know the heaviness that’s, making me cold
Is stealing my youthful soul & making me old

You said your burden is light & Your load is no more
You said your ways are right & in you I will soar

I want to be free, Free to dance & free to sing
Free to live & learn & free oh, free to be me

Hi Mommy, :)

I am sooooo happy to see a post from you. I've been so worried about you!

Gosh, I'm glad you posted.

(((((((((Mommy)))))))))

I'm so glad you are still hanging in there! That's so good.

(me too)

:)

Thank you for posting the inspirational poems/lyrics.

I'm too tired to read them right now. I'm just exhausted.

You know what, you made me so happy when you said you would pray for me when I was working on my appeal and having so much trouble focusing.

I'm sure I felt your prayers and they helped!!!!!

(I have to correct all my errors now... or at least the ones I can find) :rolleyes:

((((((((((Mommy))))))))))))

Please will you keep posting? I look for you almost every day. :)