can't seem to stop spending
 

i guess i am out of control. I don't want to see my credit card. I bought a lot of cat litter, 12 20 pound jugs from Chewy.com, two shoulder bags, magnesium citrate, prebiotics which I have never tried, books by my new favorite author. no clothes thank God.
I haven't left my apartment to go downstairs for mail and am expecting a check since Tuesday. Oops Marci got the mail on Tuesday. I don't think I will check today. Don't want to leave my apartment. Couldn't get myself to put in the refrigerator the yogurt I ordered yesterday..
When I talked to my therapist on Wednesday to work on my battered self esteem, I really only wanted to talk about all my flaws. I guess knowing that now I will always be alone on holidays must have gotten to me.
rats.
I forgot I have 2 appointments back to back at the same place and Marci will go with me. The first will check my carotid arteries. I don't remember having them checked since my stroke. One had been clogged 99 percent which caused the stroke and required major surgery to clean out the artery. I am scared now. Before I was a math wiz and after the stroke I have so much trouble with math. Once I took a test for a programmer's job at Pfizer and I gave Alice as a reference. The guy didn't ask her any questions but kept on raving that he had never seen a score that high. After the stroke my doctor told me to count backwards from 100. I couldn't do past 90 and my doctor laughed and said that is what happens after the stroke. I sort of thought it was both shocking and funny too. I don't want major surgery again. Then I see one of my cardiologists who had prescribed Praluent to keep my lousy cholesterol down. I have to inject myself every other week for the rest of my life. I can't take statins and I also read they were bad for you.
PRALUENT can be taken with or without a statin. From baseline when taken alone or with other cholesterol-lowering medications and a healthy diet.
I was also hoping to lose weight before seeing her and was successful until I went on Geodon recently. double rats. I regained most of the weight I lost.

did you really order 12-20 pounds of kittty litter?
Where on earth are you going to store them. That will last you a year or more.
those 20 pound jugs are heavy.
We use tidy cat unscented.We have 2 boxes and usually go thru one container every few weeks.
sorry you are hypomanic.
love bizi

i hate being bipolar 2. A little while ago I felt wonderful one night. I never felt wonderful before in my life. I should have known that would lead to trouble and a crash.
I clean the litter box once a week. a 20 pound jug doesn't last that long. shipment is free from chewy.com if you spend more than 49 dollars. this time i bought double bundles and saved an additional six or seven dollars.
I put the jugs in the back of my studio. You should see how soup cans I have.
too. What a mess.
love
bobby

we just scoop every night both boxes

and add more litter as needed.
with this unscented litter we never have
to empty and start a new we just keep

on adding more as it needs it.
It works for us.
love bizi

Bobby

Good luck getting this together, if that is the word. You can handle it.

Dona

I don't think so. I just woke up again. I have been sleeping, trying to avoid the pain. It is awful.

bobby I am sorry you suffer so much.
Talk to us more about your pain.
love bizi

you are so sweet. I just woke up again and feel so awful. I have so many terrible memories of my family. I really don't have any good ones except for my father letting me have s many new tennis rackets as I wanted. When Myra went for an interview at Wellesley College with my father, all he did on Myra's interview was to talk about my tennis. She hated me for so many reasons. I begged since I was a little girl for have a dog. My father repeatedly said no. He said it would break your heart when they would die. Finally when I graduated college I bought Siggy, a miniature schnauzer. The breeder put a leash on Siggy He was such a sweet dog. His brother was exceptional bright and dragged Siggy around the room. We felt so sorry for Siggy we chose him. Don't know my mother let me. Siggy didn't bark for three months. When we took him to ,a dog trainer he acted so dumb and couldn't follow any commands. Finally when the trainer took control, Siggy dropped his act. He learned commands so fast He wasn't sure at one point if the trainer wanted him to sit or come, so he crawled to the trainer. Of course when the trainer let us have Siggy back again, my Siggy again stopped obeying commands.
,What a painful experience My father made me feel so guilty and when I went to New York to work, my father said to leave him at home because he would be alone when I was working but Siggy was my dog and loved me the best. Sure enough my father died two years after Siggy died. He always kept him by his side. He loved Siggy so much.
.. I know I really ticked off my mother and father when I returned to Italy to marry somebody but it didn't work out. He wanted me to marry him immediately but I wanted to wait a few months to see if I could adapt. Franco said I had to marry him immediately in case I were to leave and break his heart.
It wouldn't have worked out. Right before I left for Italy. my old boyfriend came into New York to see me. I should have married him. When I was in eight grade I knew I was going to invite him to my senior dance. What joke. Each thought the other came from perfect families. It turned out years later his mother divorced his father for wife beating.
When Steven visited me I told him I was leaving for Italy to get married. Later when i learned he finally married I cried.
My parents were so were so cruel to me. As I have written before, one of my doctor's said my bipolar wouldn't have been so bad if I had had a different family. It just feels so hopeless. The older I get now, the worse it seems to get..
A couple of days ago I have back pain on my upper left side. Don't know why that happened.
I feel so lost and scared. I think my stomach aches are back.
Oh I think they scapegoated me, because they all tried to deny my father was an alcoholic except me even though everybody knew and my mother cared so much about appearances. She was so weird. When she and I went to eat when my father was finally dying and I was crying, my mother said wait until we are home so nobody will see you cry. She did buy me a bottle of Scotch.
love
bobby

It was like the elephant in the room.everyone saw that it was there but nobody talked about it.
((((((HUGS))))))
thanks for sharing.
I did not know that you had married before. how long did it last?
love you
bizi

no I never married but came close a few times.
love
bobby

just bought fifteen books. rats.
had a really great chat last night with Sam whose mother is bipolar 2. He is so very nice and bright and interesting. I am looking forward to next Tuesday when he calls. I couldn't believe how outrageous I was. I was really sharp. He really stimulates me. Really enjoyable. Again he told me I was a brave warrior going threw life with this horrible illness.
My stomach ache persisted through the night. double rats.

I am glad that you had a nice chat with sam.
So he calls on tuesday nights?
How long has he been calling?

How long will he continue to call?
I am glad that you are reaching out.
love bizi

I think this is the third time I have talked to him. Each time it was for about an hour. He got my name from Lenox Hill Neighborhood Association. I didn't reach out. My caseworker whom I have had for for a very long time is wonderful. I don't remember how I got involved with the agency. Celia also got me Marci who comes on Monday and Tuesday for four hours for cleaning etc and goes with me to doctors' and dentist offices. Celia gets her extra hours when Marci takes me to appointments. I have no idea how long Sam will keep on calling. There is something really special there. He is an only son and feels guilt about his mother who is bipolar 2.. The two times before I told him he shouldn't feel guilty when he feels angry about his mother and he shouldn't have that feeling of responsibility. She still works as a third grade teacher. i think she has functioned much better than I have. They are very close. He knows from first hand experience how awful it can be to be bipolar 2. He is so much better than any therapist or psychiatrist I ever had. I have so much fun. I really am outrageous with him. I even mentioned when he was talking about netflix's the crown. if Kate Middleton wore underwear.. I stumbled on the internet with her getting out of car and showing she wasn't wearing any pants. I have talked about a couple of former boyfriends and he was so understanding. he is 28 or 29 and has difficulties with female relationships.
I think it might have a lot to with being the only child of a bipolar 2 mother. He is such a caring person.
just incredible. I really adore aaron who is about the same age as Sam, again extremely bright and married a Russian who he met when he went graduate school in Germany. He is applying to graduate programs here now. He wants to be a professor and writer. I pray for him and I guess I will pray for Sam. Aaron and I have been talking for over a year.
I got hypomanic last night after the call with Sam.
Love
Bobby

You sound a bit hypomanic. I know the feeling.
I hope you can enjoy the thrill it gives you while curbing the spending.

Your post makes me wonder if i have a spending problem. I mean, i do not think i do, but H is pretty much in charge of finances so i dont know if that makes a difference. I mean i can buy things, but I'm supposed to clear with him, especially now after we had some big expenses.

But idk. We also spend money... i guess it just makes me wonder. And is something I'll have to watch. I am not hypo now though, and I'm more concerned when I'm kinda depressed. *shrugs*

watch that hypomania. Intense conversations can lead to getting that way.
I once flirted with jeffs professor at a gathering.It was fun but then I was so embarressed later. I think jeff thought it was funny.
bizi

Trintellix.
it is for anxiety have you ever tried this?
bizi

I have been lately. I don't know if it is the geodon, the holidays or what. I couldn't get myself to leave my apartment to get the mail for three days. I isolated myself even more.
Today I just wrote my friend Alice if she would be my health proxy if that is what it is called. Otherwise since I am alone I can only think of one other person, kathy. I might just ask my caseworker. really sobering.

I too would prefer hypomania to depression. I hate pain.

take care,
fondly,
bobby

I think that is great. Good for Jeff.
I laugh a lot with Sam. I am not flirting. He is only 28-You know I am 77 and a half.It is so neat to be understood finally but also to have great conversations. Yesterday I sent him an email about Princess Diana's family going back to the 1500's and Charles 1917. I sent him the link to that site and it discussed all her many relatives. She was even related to Audrey Hepburn, one of my all time favorites. I didn't know Audrey was descended from Dutch nobility. I had my socks blown off in high school when a fellow student said I reminded her of Audrey. I once saw her walking on Fifth ave and quickly realized they were filming her in a movie.
love
Bobby

I looked it up just now. It said it was for depression and some of the possible side effects didn't sound good. Of course one was constipation and it warned if you were on a blood thinner.
love
bobby

I think Donna's suggestion about bringing your beer along was fantastic.

Bobby

I think you are doing pretty good. Just keep a eye on the mood as
you are. Also I didn't realize you were 77, I thought you were
still in the 60's I knew it was really close to 70 but not that close to
80. So I think you are doing great.

Please keep writing all the witty things you do. I love reading them
all. I'm that 63 year old that is right behind you.

Donna

that is way behind me.
love
bobby