Diffiicult visit with Mom and Dad in a few days
 

Anyone with half-way reasonable parents is lucky.

M.

I have been thinking about you.
You can get thru this....
I think you are doing well, keeping up with work hubby and it being hurricane season and all. This is a bad timeof the year for them to come for a visit.....
((((HUGS))))
bizi:holysheep:

I hope the visit is less stressful than it seems.

You can pull through this, your stronger than you think.

Hang on tight.

Hugs, Nikko:hug:

if you feel like sleeping while they are here SLEEP.....two against one...they are a team even though you have your husband....
i feel so sad for you because I had parents who worked as a team. As I mentioned, when I visited them when I was older I used to vomit when I got to their home....violently....
just try to protect yourself...if you can...I couldn't
Bobby

I am so lucky my mom is so wonderful to us. She really understands and wants to help, not interfer and try to run my life like I know so many other parents try to. I think she's awesome, today when my computer died this morning I called her and had already asked her if she'd help us get a Dell to replace mine because the Hard Drive has been making funny noises. So today when it was a total Hard Drive failure I asked her for help and she ordered us the new computer right then.

I wish everyone had a mom like mine. She's something else. Going to be sixty this year and still looks wonderful to me. I sure hope things go well for their visit Mari. I'll be thinking about you and them and keeping you in my prayers. I know it's not easy sometimes, to deal with parents, but they do love you right? Try to keep it in mind if you can and definitely SLEEP when you have to sleep. I know how much trouble sleep gives you, my T told me about a new sleep medicine, I forget the name but it works like Melatonin. I'll get the name next visit. :) It started with an R and kinda sounded like Ronicin or something.

Hope all is well with you and you don't have much anxiety about their upcoming visit. Keep us posted. :)

IT is rozeram and hope it works for some...did nothing for me...
unfortunately.
hang in there, sleep when you can, try to enjoy them if you are able...

((((HUGS))))
bizi

Mari,

Take plenty of deep breaths when needed while your parents are there.

befuddled2

Thanks.
Last night when I had to talk to each for 5 mins, I was angry with them -- mostly Dad.

This morning I called Mom and told her that I had boxes everywhere and could use her help. She said that she would be happy to help.
After I got off the phone, I cried.

I really do find this visit overwhelming.
They are not easy people to deal with. I really and truly treat them better than their other children but I get sooo much more grief from them. I am the oldest. Maybe that mattesr.

Today (Wednesday) Dad emailed me their flight information. This after he made the reservations months ago. He is a control freak and knows where he is going to be months ahead of time but apparently cannot extend the same curtesey to me. It's not like I care or not if I get the flight info. If I never get the info, they can take the shuttle to my apt because for the past 10 months they have had my address.

My mom was last here over 15 years ago. It did not go well.
She has huge anxiety issues/anorexia/talks about food all the time/and so on. And I can't say much nice about my father right now. Dad used to visit me regularly for a while when I was single and he needed help with a project. We got along ok. He wasn't drinking as much as he is now.


Last summer I visited them and we all agreed it was a disaster. I decided never to see them again. Dad solved that problem by deciding to come see us. If I can't visit them and I can't have them visit me, I would have to stop visiting them. This makes me very sad.

I don't want to break up with my parents. . . .

With them it is never the case that the buildup to the visit is worse than the actually visit. Most times, the visit is worse than I imagined.

I need to practice thinking positively.

And yes, I have made plans to make sure that I sleep.

M.

He left out of his email any mention of what time he and Mom are leaving.
Sometime Monday I guess.
Maybe they should get their own ride to the airport.

Mari

How long are they staying and are they staying with you and your hubby or are they getting a hotel room? It's not easy being the oldest from what I understand. I sure wish you luck in dealing with this visit. I think you're probably right and that they buildup is worse then the visit. Waiting is never easy, be it waiting for them to arrive or waiting for them to leave. It's just never easy. It's too bad things went badly at your last visit. If you need to talk remember we're always here Mari. :hug:

if they are as bad as my parents were try not to look for any approval...try to see them as mentally ill and incapable of change. Even when I was in the burn unit and horribly burned their behavior didn't change. My father still yelled at me and said "what have you done to me" and my mother said after he stormed out of the room said "humor him"....
try not to lose yourself...and do exactly what you feel like doing...try to get in touch with your angry feelings....remember this time you have your husband to back you up...you can feel sorry for them but don't let them hurt you further. You might be the oldest child but you still have the need to protect yourself and you probably took the brunt of their mental illnesses.
Bobby

dear Mari
I hope I am giving you good advice...I know it is very negative and both my parents are dead. I was fortunate to have made peace with my father at the end and to view him as a hero...I am sure he was bipolar II and self medicated with alcohol. I don't think it would have worked out for me to have broken off from them. I still have a lot of issues that need to be resolved.
I wish I had expressed anger towards my father when he was alive instead of fear. I wish I had not denied my own personality and was totally on the defensive with them. I hope you can assert yourself with them on this visit and be your own person and put yourself first. I think that could help with the healing process.
Bobby

Dear Mari,
Let me say first off that I am very sorry that you are dreading their visit.
It should not be like this and I wish it wasn't for you.
Having said that..For your sake ...Do you still have any benzos that you could take as you needed them?

Your Mom has offed to help you with some boxes...TAKE her up on this offer!

It really is ok to ask for help!

I am proud of you for asking...

Keep in touch if you can over the next few days...we will be here for you.
bizi
:grouphug:

Dear Pam,
They are staying in a motel a few miles from here.

No. The buildup is nothing. The actuality is much worse.
And it wasn't only one visit that went bad - it is every visit. The last one was the worst.

I am thrilled when I hear about people who do well with your parents. Your story about your mother cheared me.


Dear Mymorgy,
You are giving good advice. I hear you. You are telling me to protect myself. I'm sorry that you are in recovery from bad parents.
I long ago stopped looking for approval, support, nurturing......
Now I try to survive.
My brothers and sister sort of blame me for parts of our childhood. Now that does make me feel bad/sad.


Dear Bizi,
Hubby just cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms.
I am picking some stuff off the floors so he can vacuum and then I am going to do some laundry.
And Mom really is going to help me with something this weekend -- boxes or clothes mending or something. She needs to be busy all the time anyway.


I'm glad that I have you guys.

Yoga class starts again tonight. I am going to focus on cleansing thoughts.

Mari

i would have some heart to heart discussions with your brothers and sisters and tell them that you probably got the brunt of your parents' illnesses and it hurts you deeply to feel their resentment. I can't believe it that you have to suffer from both ends!
Bobby

That's really good they aren't staying with you, but I still feel bad for you to have this hanging over your head Mari. I hope that the days pass quickly and uneventfully for you. Hang in there it will pass, like everything else, it will pass. :hug:

Bizi, thanks for reminding me about the benzos. Believe it or not, I completely forgot that a little extra Klonopin for a few days was an option. Yippee!


Housework progress report:
I threw away some of the stuff that was on the floor and put most other things on books shelves or in drawers so that a person could at least walk in the door.
When I ran out of steam, I pushed whatever was left into a corner. Every room has at least one messy corner - but it is not the whole room anymore.


Hubby wants to be at the airport extra early tommorrow night. We will have to leave work early anyway. Whatever.
Mari

It sounds like you guys have worked hard!
I just don't understand why they have not even told you when they were leaving....
~sigh
You can do this...you can do this....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hey Mari? Have you tried Restoril for sleep assistance? My T offered it to me, she's out of samples right now and thinks it might work well for me in place of the 100 mgs of Elavil I take nightly to help sleep. Is it possible it might help you get better rest? Funny sounding name, but if it works, well then it's worth it. I hope things go well for your parent's visit Mari, hang in there. I'll be thinking about you this weekend. :)

Hi,
I was on Restoril many years ago -- it was my first sleep med.

My sleep problem is weird -- I don't go to bed. It doesn't matter what meds I take. I fight them off. I don't want to sleep.
The pdocs says it is a behavioral problem --- not solved by any med that they can give me.

-->I used to feel anxiety and even panic about sleep. I was afraid to sleep. That has mostly been resolved in the past couple months, but the sleep problem remains.

-->I've figured out recently (last week or two) that the refusal to sleep is related to some deep seated feelings about my mother. Sort of a rebellion thing about her controlling me.

I'm working on it.
Mari

Hi,
Our two hour yoga class was good. We had been on break for a month so I was glad to get back into it even though the class was hard.

When I was single I used to pay to have someone clean the apt. once in a while.
Now, hubby says that he will clean and save the money.


Mari

I'm glad you're able to identify what it is that is going on with your sleep problem. I just wish there was some way to help with the anxiety besides benzos. Do you take one to help sleep? I used to take klonopin, but now take avitan. It helps with the anxiety, and some nights I need to take one to make my anxiety about things go away so I can sleep. Here's to wishing it gets better soon Mari. :)

You pick them up tonight....
crossing my fingers for you.
((((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Well I'm crossing my toes too. WHich isn't to hard since they are in pain.

My feet are having problems, and my toes have decided to join in.

Donna

thinking of you
bobby

Thinking of you.

befuddled2

Hi, Friends,
We're all doing fine.
I'll be back here later.
Thanks.
M.

Glad to hear things are going fine Mari, keep us posted on how you're doing. Have a good weekend! :D

Glad to hear things are going well. I will be thinking of you.

Hugs, Nikko:hug:

:Good-Post:
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Hi,
Dad is acting bossy but not too hard to deal with. Mom is not acting weird. Last night I gave her three silk wrap-around skirts. She is wearing one of them today.

Last night we went to an Italian restaurant (Dad had insisted) that I researched and found over the summer. They declared it perfectly fine.

This morning Mom and hubby spent several hours at the gym.

This afternoon Mom, Dad, and hubby drove an hour a way to a special out door (too hot for me) bird/ garden /wildlife garden.

I'm supposed to meet them later at an Iranian restaurant.


I did not sleep well at all last night. In fact, I had a terrible nightmare. It freaked me out and returned after I went back to sleep a while later. I haven't had one of these in years.


Dad says he wants to come back once a year or so because he is working on a writing project that he wants me to help with. So maybe it works out better for them to come here to my place -- they have to behave better than they do in their own place.

Mari

sorry about the dream....hate htat when I do htat too....
sounds like you are doing ok with their visit...
this is great news so far!
thanks for checking in with us.
bizi

I know Mari
 

I know Mari, I had rough times too.
Didn;t help living next door either....
But, as they got older, ill, and passed away, some days I find myself wishing they could come back a day.

I am thinking of you, and really try to find good in the visit, see if you can ask about the grandparents, great grands, getting to know your geneology. I started this just before my Mom passed away and then found out she had tons of old family history clippings. With her gone by then I had no way to know how to expand or personaize it.

My hugs and thoughts are with you
Dianne:hug:

Mari

SO glad things are working out better than you thought they would.

I'm also glad that you could just send them on their way. I'm hoping they didn't say anything about that.

I'm also so glad your hubby could go along with them. I'm seeing this as a good thing. Hoping that you get better sleep tonight.

Donna

update again
 

Hi,


Mom was complaining about being tired.
And Dad was mysterious about tomorrow.
They have my car. He said that they will come to our apt at 4:30 pm to talk and then to go together to meet two of my friends for dinner.

That's fine.
I plan on sleeping better tonight.

Mari

What are they going to do tomorrow?
:holysheep:
hope you sleep tonight!
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Seems things are going more smoothly than expected.

Glad you are able to get rest too.

All you can do is take it one day at a time.

I feel for you, hang tight.

Hugs, Nikko:hug:

Mari,

I like Di's suggestion of getting your parents to talk about the history of the family. My mom use to talk about it over and over when she had dementia but I let it go in one ear and out the other as I thought I've heard this before. However, because I tuned my mom out I cannot remember half of what she said about the family history.

I know though how parents can be. My mom was very trying at times herself. You sound like you are doing better than expected though perhaps. Hang in there.

befuddled2

Good ideas all.

Family history is a major topic at family gatherings.
Some of my aunts and uncles have been documenting this for years.

Some members of my father's family came to this country a hundred years ago. Other members came way before then.

Many of mother's family came during the Irish Potato Famine and German wars 160 years ago. Others have been here since the Am Rev war.

Mom and Dad are both talkers. Their siblings are story tellers too.
That's what we do.
And I can't help it that they/we are weird.


But I am tired and annoyed.


I'm hiding right now. They just got in and I am in the computer room wondering if I have any clean clothes.



Mari

Mari,

Hugs to you my friend. I know this weekend is hard on you. Time to yourself is great.

befuddled2