screaming **trigger**
 

**********SCREAM*********************

Can anyone hear me?
Does it even matter??

**********SCREAM********************

No, look, noone hears me!!!
It might be an internal scream but it is SO loud people must be able to hear it!
I think i'm invisible.

Ok i'm just going to say it - i wish i was dead.
Is that simple enough? Or do i have to give people details?

I don't even care anymore. Fine, don't hear me, i only wanted to be saved. I guess that is too much to ask.

I read the post above about being suicidal and what to do. I felt my for a heartbeat....God that made me cry. I'm the only person who is checking that i am alive.



Noone will take me seriously.
Maybe i AM just a attention-seeking.....something. What am i?? A dot? A blip? A ghost?

Two weeks till a psychiatric appointment. What an absolute f*ucking joke - am i expected to stay alive till then?

Have people forgotten that for me every second is an eternity?
Oh yeh sorry - you dont see me do you!!



(obviously i'm not yelling at the people on this forum...)

Hi Bamboo ~ First thing ---
here's a hug :grouphug:

Hi Bamboo,
I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time right now.... Would you like
to talk about whats going on???
{{{{HUGS}}}}
vicky

Bamboo ~ I hope you'll be reading soon.... I know you aren't now.

Can anyone hear me?
Does it even matter??

Yes, I can hear you and it matters so very, very much to me. Please know that.

Would it help you any for me to tell you that I'm 63 years old and I know how you feel, I understand what you're saying.

Can you telephone your doctor's office and ask for an earlier appointment? Tell them that you're having such a difficult time waiting? Tell them how you feel.

Please hang on. Please talk to us. :hug:

((((((Bamboo)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...poohhug-th.jpg

I **HEAR** you :(

Maybe you're screaming for the wrong people to help you. Some people are incapable of helping. It's like calling for the police when what you really need is the fire department :(

I doubt that you're an attention-seeker. Most of us are hurt and wounded :(

Bamboo, one thing that I've learned through all of this is that you have to be very CLEAR. Inner screaming doesn't get heard by anyone, not even ourselves.

If you think of yourself as a 'dot' or a 'blip' or a 'ghost', maybe no one else recognizes what you REALLY ARE. There's an awful lot of ghosts around this time of year. You *DO* appear half 'ghostly' -->> Bam-*BOO* :rolleyes:

Maybe you need to SPEAK UP more for what you WANT and for what you NEED. Even though we like to think that people that 'love us' can 'understand us' without words, mostly they can't. They need the WORDS to be *OUT LOUD* so that they can hear over their own inner turmoil.

Bamboo, if you're feeling like you can't wait until your appointment, call for an earlier appointment. Or go to the emergency ward. Or go see a priest or a minister or a rabbi. Or go sit next to a nice, big, fat, old tree. Trees have an amazing healing power and they understand what it's like to "feel broken".

Next time you see a tree, take a real good look at its limbs. Do you see how many limbs are broken or misshapen. There's a tree near me that's got bugs in its roots and it's all rotted out near the ground. All the top branches have been broken off in the storms. There's squirrels and birds living inside all the holes throughout its trunk. And, yet, every spring, I see new little branches growing out with beautiful little green leaves on them :cool:

The tree struggles real hard to survive. I hope *THE HUMAN* http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...-hug8-left.gifYOUhttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...hug8-right.gif knows how to do a real good tree imitation -->> keep on fighting, keep on surviving.

We're all here for you. We can help best when we know what the problem is. But, we can help too, if you're not ready to talk about "the problem".

Stay strong. Keep yourself safe. And **TALK** -- talk to us, write in a book, talk to your psychiatrist, talk to a religious person, talk to a friend or a family memeber, talk to the trees.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...Hug-a-tree.jpg

BIG HUGS.

Barb

Hi Bamboo .... I care about you too. :hug:

By talking, and writing where people will read it, you will be heard. I agree that not everyone will be the right person to 'hear' you though. I like the suggestions that the others here have given you about who you can try to talk to. Just don't give up.

Do call your doctor's office and explain that you really must see your doctor sooner. I know I have had to be more assertive to feel I was being heard when the receptionist/nurse tried to say "there, there ... it will be OK" and I KNEW it just wasn't that simple! They can't read your mind though so you must be prepared to say the words to be able to get the help you need.

I hope you come back to read these replies so you know we care and we want to know how you are doing.

Take care, Bamboo.

p.s. Barb, I like your tree photo. Is that you?? Very cool tree. :)

hi Bamboo,
I am so sorry that you are hurting inside.
Keep talking, posting, venting ...here and in a journal if you can muster to do this. Then bring that in if you are ahaving a hard time telling some one your story.
It is ok to get upset and emotional...sone times we have to show people our true emotions..that is the only way for them to get it...is to see it.
I hope you know that you can go to the emergency room if you are afraid that you are going to hurt yourself....
You are suffering so and this must be so hard to deal with.
take one day, one hour at a time.....warm baths used to help soothe me when I was feeling panicy.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Bamboo ??? Bamboo??
 

I sure wish you would come back and let us know you're OK.

We care about you so much.....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

thank you for listening to me.

I have been feeling so low for quite a while now. Usually i have a break at some point but this has been going on for so long and the thoughts running through my mind are too much too take for such a length.

I have tried to ask for help, my doctor hardly listened until i asked for someone to speak on my behalf which made me feel like i was even more invisible!!

I talked to the my uni counsellor a week ago, i told her in two weeks thing would be getting a lot worse because i could not see life beyond that point. I told her i was going to buy a knife and i was in the process of searching for the perfect one that would do the most damage. I told her. All she did was ask me to join a low mood group. I screamed internally. again.

But i dutifully met that coordinator of that group today. She said i was abrupt and wondered if i would fit in the group because i may upset people.
That made me feel like slicing myself into pieces right there and then. It has confirmed my fear that i am nothing. I am a danger to others. I am evil. I don't fit into their little world of groups that could make me better. I am seperate - i am someone that appears angry and abrupt but i just want to cry - i just want to cry. I just want to cry. I want someone to see i'm in pain. Please.

She asked how low i was on a scale of 0 - 10, i said 1, she wondered at how i could be so low when i obviously was able to move. Yes, i can move - i have the energy to do a lot more - especially if it involves self-destruction.....I was going to say 0 but if i said that i would have been pretty much dead so i think 1 is more accurate.

I trusted my counsellor. I need someone to take me seriously. Is it wrong to want help? See, there it is - my will to live! But...it is fading rapidly. I have absolutely no idea where to turn or if i can. No one believes me. I seriously think i'm invisible. Maybe i am not meant to be saved. Maybe this is the way it should be.

I cannot do this for another second.
Will people know how hard i have tried. How often i have asked for help?
Should i really be expected to continue?

:Sob:


I am going to go find that tree. I am going to sit under it and attempt to feel real. Nature is more understanding than people.
I have a favorite bench in the park...it is nice and secluded. I have often thought about that spot...

dear bamboo~
 

hello dear,
yes I have screamed outloud, but I hurt my own ears?
I hope you enjoy the outside whereever you are because nature will nuture you, and perhaps your scream will turn into singing...
:hug:
if you are feeling suicidal - most people I have known have been there,
either forever scared from the attempt - or the heaviness
of the heart whom was severely damaged - because it was someone they loved so very much died , in my case t'was both...
is it possible you may change your mind -
by an act of your will - example - you do not feel remotely happy, perhaps even pisssssed off abit,
one must realize we are respondsible for our "I" problems.

ask yourself why you feel like dying? instead of living?
ask your eyes? how they feel when you vocalize this?
I am very serious about this... have you ever tried speaking to your body, well it listens and keeps score of
all negative and positive things that have happen to you, physically and emotionally...
because truly it is trying to do what you wish it to do?
and your crossed circuits are confusing your body/ and mind...
I am a great advocate of talking it out even if I'm by myself, we all have a touch of sanity in our insanity.

It is just too much.....
If i look at myself or anything closely i cry floods of tears.
Finally the tears have come...

Oh God.

Thanks, Scrabble. I like that tree too :D No. That's not me. She looks a lot like me, though. Short gray hair, short fat body :D That photo doesn't have any antlers, though :D



((((((Bamboo)))))),

I DO NOT WANT you buying any knives (or borrowing any either for that matter). You ARE NOT going to make a permanent decision about anything when you're this upset.

Somebody mentioned asking your body what's wrong. That's a very good idea. Drawing a picture of your body sometimes answers questions. I've found that if I sit in a real quiet place (maybe on that park bench of yours) and draw a picture of my body with big paper and big, fat crayons, I can figure out why I am so upset.

I don't think you need to do that, though. I think YOU KNOW why you are so upset.

Let's pretend to switch places for just five minutes. If you were me and I were you and you knew everything about me, what would you tell me?? What do you say to someone that is in so much pain and so much hurt and so many tears??

I usually say: "I wish that I could take away the pain. I wish more than anything that you didn't have to go through this."

You know something, though, Bamboo, the only way through is through. I lost my Brother to suicide when I was 22. He was 21. That'll be 41 years tomorrow. I tried for years and years to join him.

Until I drew that big picture with the big, fat crayons and I could see what I was doing to myself. I had to stop trying to join him and decide to stay here.

That's what you have to do -->> decide to stay here. **HERE**, you have us to listen to you and to help you and to love you and to care about you and to support you. If you make a stupid decision, you don't know what you'll have. If you don't succeed in killing yourself, you might be in even more pain than you are now. If you do succeed in killing yourself, you're throwing away all the love and support and caring that we're offering. WE ARE LISTENING TO YOU. Talk to us.

I know how hurt and crippled I felt when my Brother left me. I don't want you to do that to me too. I don't deserve that. You don't deserve that.

I've spent enough time on both sides of the hurt to know that it's better and safer to stay where you KNOW you can get help then to venture off in another direction trying to get another batch of unhearing people to hear you.

STAY RIGHT HERE AND TALK TO US. What's gonna happen in two weeks?? Tell me the words.

PROMISE ME that you will not buy a knife and you will not borrow a knife.

If you feel a real strong knife-buying urge that you can't control, pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1 and tell them you're suicidal.

Stay strong. Stay safe. Talk to us. BIG HUGS.

Barb :hug:

I drew that picture. It was like feeling my heart before. I'm amazed i can still draw.
It is not much - a big black mass with big question marks all around it with anger and pain splashed across for good measure.
It doesn't mean much. Just that i cannot connect with who i am or was anymore. I am sitting here as two different people. Me writing this and the other me is floating just above my head. My body and me do not link up. Although my fingers are moving and spilling all this out, i do not feel as though i am writing it.
I am disconnected. I am a black mass. I am a monster. I want to be normal but i am not. How can i explain when everything i truly am does not fit in with what people expect? Confident helen is actually lying in a crumpled heap on the ground. A nothing.

I can see myself plodding along, doing everything that is expected of me, noone really suspecting. I can see red pain. I just see pain day after day. I see myself getting up and going to lectures but all i will be thinking about is getting out of here. I can see myself doing an essay that i will not expect to hand in. I will function till the end. And all that time i will get more and more angry. That end feels close because i honestly do not know how much more pain i can take. I think i have exceeded my limit.

I am angry because if i am really honest i don't think i deserve to be looked after. To feel like this. Who am i to take up other people's time? I am ashamed. I think people will laugh at me. How can confident, bouncy, smiley helen think about suicide....she is such a drama queen...I am ashamed because i was unable to change my thoughts and even the very idea of someone telling me where i'm going wrong and how to think differently makes me want to scream.

I have brought this upon myself and i cannot get out of this pit.

Dear Bamboo,

If you cannot wait two weeks for your appointment, go to the hospital now. They will see you.

I think that you express yourself in writing very well. Print out everything that you wrote here and bring it with you. You will find the treatment that you seek.

I am sorry that that uni counselor was so horrible to you. Try to forget about her. She is garbage. You will get the care you seek. And you will feel better soon.

Please go to a hospital.

Mari

Bamboo, when you talk of pain do you mean you are having physical pain with symptoms or are you meaning emotional pain?

Have you had a physical recently and a complete blood work panel done.

Hormones, thyroid, that sort of testing??
Could be something changed and some of these feelings is the result of that.

Did anything set this off or has it been slowly building overtime?

Can you tell us about the 'other" helen?
Maybe we can help figure out why you have disconnected from that part of your self.

Bamboo,
I thought I'd post the link with your first posts as they have more of the history and story so you don't have to re type.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/sh...ad.php?t=30397

I am in chat if you want to join me there...the link is on the blue line called chat rooms.
bizi

I'm sorry but how can i go to a hospital? I go to casuality and i say i feel sucidal? Do i then sit around till a dr has the time to see me? They will just think i'm mad.

This has been a continal build up since i was 11 but more in the last 5 years. I'm seriously tired. It probably does not sound long to you but i'm weak...

The 'other' helen....the best i can describe her as is a very very big mass, but at the same time not the helen you would see on a daily basis. I often wonder at that because she takes over my mind so i don't understand how she doesn't get through to other people. I cannot put my finger on what she is, she is elusive. She is definately of a different consistency to normal things though. I have often had the feeling that if i jumped out of a window, on the way down the two parts of me would become whole.

I seem to be very aware of where things are. I know one part of me is sitting to the right of my head right now. I know that 'i' dont reach the tips of my fingers, 'i' am about a cm away. It is not that i am numb. I am just not whole.

Maybe we can chat some ohter time when you feel like it.
I am sorry that you are hurting so...
please keep venting, talking and sharing with us here.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

dear bamboo~
 

are you taking zoloft or any other SSRI?
you are very young, but please know this these chemicals the doctors give us
can have a very bad reaction sometimes -they produce the very thing
you do not want, more depression, -this is called - adverse reactions:

zoloft -
Zoloft is the brand name for Sertraline, and antidepressant, antiobsessional, and antipanic agent. It is an SSRI - Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor, which is a class of drugs that increase the levels of serotonin in a patient.

Zoloft may take effect in one to three weeks or more.

Why is this drug prescribed?
Zoloft is used in children to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The obsessions or compulsions must cause marked distress, are time-consuming, or significantly interfere with social or occupational functioning.

Other uses of Zoloft include:

depression
panic attacks / panic disorder
post-trauma stress
social phobia
obesity
premenstrual syndrome
Warnings and Precautions
Zoloft has been tested in children 6 to 17 years of age with obsessive-compulsive disorder, and has not been shown to cause different side effects or problems than it does in adults. Because Zoloft can cause decreased appetite, children taking Zoloft long-term should have their growth and body weight measured regularly.

Zoloft does not have a known sedative effect, but people taking Zoloft should not drive or operate heavy machinery until the effects of Zoloft are known.

For Pregnant or Nursing Mothers: Research indicates that Zoloft has no harmful effects during pregnancy. Zoloft passes into breast milk; no adverse effects on the infant have been reported, but the long-term effects are not known. As with all medications, pregnant or nursing women should be cautious when using this drug.

Contraindications
Zoloft should not be used for people with the following medical conditions:

an allergic or negative reaction to this drug in the past
a history of seizures
recent heart attack
kidney disease
Parkinson's disease
liver disease
epilepsy
Adverse Reactions
Zoloft may cause the following reactions:

fast heart rate, palpitations
dizziness or lightheadedness
fast talking, excited feelings
skin rash, itching (hives)
unusual tiredness or weakness
confusion
flushing
sweating
muscle spasms
nausea, vomiting
diarrhea
decreased appetite
weight loss
dry mouth
vaginitis
insomnia
headache
indigestion,
fatigue
insomnia
nervousness
stupor
Interactions with Drugs and Other Substances
Drugs or substances that may interact with Zoloft are:

cimetidine
diazepam
furazolidone
molindone
MAO inhibitors such as phenelzine (Nardil®), tranylcypromine (Parnate®), isocarboxazid (Marplan®) - serious, even fatal, interactions can occur when these medications are taken with Zoloft
medicines for mental depression, mania, anxiety, psychosis or difficulty sleeping
procarbazine
selegiline
tolbutamide
Valium (diazepam), Orinase (tolbutamide), and Coumadin (warfarin) – their effects may be increased
illicit drugs (LSD, cocaine, methamphetamine)
antihistamines (Seldane, Histmanal)
certain antibiotics
calcium channel blockers
Antidiabetic drugs - risk of hypoglycemic reactions may increase when taken with Zoloft
Tambocor (flecainide) may lead to flecainide toxicity
Norvir (ritonavir) can lead to toxicity
alcohol
Sources

http://www.rxlist.com/script/main/hp.asp

http://www.mentalhealth.com/drug/p30-z02.html

thanks,
I have taken 2 sets of anti-depressants. The first simply didn't work and the second i felt made me self harm alot worse. I went back to the drs which is why i'm actually seeing a member of the mental health team at some point....
I have quite a few left over from my 'wiening' off stage. Not great. I do get a prone to taking a few all at once when i'm down to try and alter my mood state. I've only done it twice, it just makes me sick but it gives me something else to focus on for awhile.

No, ((((((Helen)))))),

I don't think you're odd at all. I think that you've got a problem that you don't know how to solve and you feel overwhelmed by the whole thing :hug:

I see what you mean about some of the symptoms sounding 'bipolar'. I'm not bipolar. Have no experience with that. My label is borderline personality disorder with depression, which, I think, is sort of a cousin to bipolar. Which is probably why I feel such a connection to you guys :grouphug:

Helen, have you had a real good medical checkup recently?? I don't why this comes to mind, but, the first thing I thought when I read that other thread was epilepsy or seizures.

"Five years doesn't sound long" it sounds like an eternity :hug:

Helen, if you don't feel safe right now, either call the police at 9-1-1 or go to the emergency room and tell them: "you are not safe, you are suicidal".

I'd like to see you get a real good medical workup -- physical, blood tests, MRI or CT scan of your head. This is only my "Inner Moose Instinct" talking to me -- but, it sounds to me like there's something medically going on.

You know, sometimes, we feel so responsible for other people in the world that we feel guilty when something bad happens. I felt that way for a long time after my Brother died. I felt "responsible" because I knew there was something 'not right' with him and I did not act. The thing I finally had to forgive myself for was I was an immature, unworldly teenager/20-something year old that didn't have the skills or the knowledge to solve the problems that were in front of me. They were my parents' problems to solve. And they were just as immature and unworldly as I was.

Forgive yourself, Helen. All of us of who make decisions and then act, usually are not intentionally meaning to cause any harm. Sometimes we just don't have the knowledge necessary to make that kind of decision. Sometimes we don't have enough information. Time and destiny and circumstances don't always wait until we're "grown up enough" or "educated enough" -- sometimes you have to make a decision NOW and learn to live with the consequences later. That's why "self", above everyone else, should be forgiven first and FAST.

Take care of yourself tonight. If you think you'll be safe, have a nice cup of tea in a pretty cup and hug your pillow and visualize all of us standing with you -- sitting on the floor next to you, standing in back of you in case you fall backwards, standing on your left and your right ... so you can't fall over sideways.

If you think you'll be safer in the hospital, either call the police or go to the emergency room. We'll wait right here for you.

BIG HUGS.

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...S/amixcora.gif

Hi,
Yes! Go to causualty, bring any medication you are on, and bring print outs of what you wrote from this site,
Tell them you are suicidal and that you are not safe at home.

The person in charge of triage will either ask you to wait or take you right in depending on how busy they are.

Go. Take this trip to the hospital to save yourself. You are not mad. You are on a quest to save yourself.
I hear in your posts that you have a lot going on inside you. You don't have to carry all this load by yourself. The people at the hospital can help you. That's why they are there.

Mari

Hi Bamboo, I see you've gotten a lot of good advice. It takes time and patience to hit on the right combination of meds to help you...everyone's a little different but you need a good dr. who's willing to work with you. I hope you'll hang in here with everyone and continue to talk...it really helps. :hug:

Hi Bamboo,
It's a new day for you in the UK.
How are you feeling?

Mari

I'm sorry we have to meet this way (((Bamboo))).

Please go to your hospital today. Tell them that you are suicidal.
It will take courage.

It took courage to write what you have written ..... and you are in the right place for support.

Go to the hospital.

Be humble and accept the help that will surround you.

We all speak from experience dear one. We know how difficult this will be... and we're here because we survived it.

Please go to your hospital Emergency Ward.
:hug:

dear everyone,

thank you for your continual support. I made it through the night.
I didn't sleep at all mainly because i did take a couple of anti-depressants and it gave me an awful headache, fast thoughts and sickness.

today is a new day but i will sleep through most of it, if i can. i am not as far on the edge today as i was yesterday. Right now i'm simply tired.

i have not ever had a medical check up, the first dr i saw did not ask me any questions or take any history like that and when i asked my dr i have now if i should be checked out medically he said there wasn't any point as i have felt like this for so long and there are no other symptoms.

i'm really tired.
thank you for keeping me going last night, i would not have coped without you all.

Dear Bamboo ~ :hug: ~ Some of us are here almost all of the time and we want to help you all we can.
Please get some rest now and then let us know how things are going.

I haven't managed to get out of my pjs yet, nor eat or move really except to be sick.
I'm blank. I self harmed.

sorry for this.

((((((Bamboo)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...bears-mini.gif

That's one lesson that all of who've had to deal with doctors and hospitals for any length of have learned. 'Dear Abby', the lady that used to write the self-help columns in the newspaper said it very well: "50% of all doctors have graduated at the bottom half of their class" :D

Those of us who've had to deal with a lot of doctors over the years have learned that WE are responsible for making sure that the doctors do what they're supposed to do.

You can't accept bad advice and incompetence and inaction.

Helen, you have a RIGHT to have good days and to FEEL GOOD and to FEEL HAPPY.

There's a group that was started by a Doctor Abraham Low years-and-years and-years ago, Recovery Incorporated. They're pretty much everywhere in the world now. You can get Dr. Low's books at the library usually. Have them send you their newsletter.

Dr. Low believed that no matter how horrible you feel, you still should be able to "move your muscles". Just the simple acts of showering and getting dressed and making your bed and having breakfast would make you feel like you've accomplished something today, which in turn makes you feel a tad bit better which makes you want to do some other small thing to feel even better. A nice little loop of feeling better and getting things done.

It actually works :eek: You know yourself if you were going to see your favorite artist perform (or go to see the Red Sox win the World Series, in my case), you would find it easier to get up and get ready than if you had to get up and get ready for work. Nobody wants to go work but, pretty much everybody likes to have fun :D

Go take a shower and get dressed and make your bed and have a sandwich. You'll feel better and it'll get the rest of your day off onto a better footing.

I understand that some people cut when they're overwhelmed by everything that's going on in their life. Can you try to not do that for awhile until you can get yourself set up with some competent medical support!!?? :hug:

That's really not good advice that your doctor gave you. Everyone should have a yearly physical, especially women, once they've matured. If your doctor is not giving you good advice, it might be time to find someone else. If you work, you could ask someone at work to recommend a good doctor for an annual physical. Or, if you're still in school, you could ask another student or the school nurse for the name of a good doctor for a yearly physical.

Helen, you deserve to be healthy and happy, and you've got to take tiny steps every day to help get you there. You can start by showering and dressing and making your bed and having breakfast as soon as you get up every day. Those are good first steps.

Maybe, too, if you made a list of one thing per day to do -- then you could cross than one thing off as soon as it's done. Another way of feeling that you've DONE something. The first thing on your list should be to get yourself a good physical exam.

Helen, you're very brave and very strong to come here and tell us how upset and how off-balance you feel. We'll stay with you and help you and support you and love you :hug: You've got to do the "hard part", though -- the work ;)

Stay strong. Keep yourself safe. And let us know what you're doing. We're here for you as long as you want us to be and as long as you need us to be.

BIG HUGS.

Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...S/amixcora.gif

Dear Bamboo,
Do you have anyone you can ask to stay with you for a few days? Maybe you need some company. That has worked for me.

Think about what has worked for you in the past when you needed to feel better. A walk? Some sunshine? Music? I used to go to my friend's house who had a dog and I would spend half the day walking, petting, and talking to the dog.
Even going to a movie works sometimes. For two instense hours your mind is filled with something else.

You really can go to the hospital. They build hospitals and put staff in there to help us. You would be in good hands.

Mari

Bamboo - please listen, we hear you loud and clear. Don't attempt it.

I have been there, done that, more than once. It is not the answer.

You need to seek a different p-doc and/or hospitalization until they can get your meds under control. Then you will feel so much better and have the will to go on like a new person.

Please believe me, please.......Call a hotline, call a friend, call 911, just don't sit alone thinking on this. There is help out there.

Please check in.

Hugs, Nikko:hug: