BJ.....
 

How are things going? Are you sleeping? Are you sick of me asking? :D

Yep....she's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack! LOL :grouphug:

Never Alffe
 

No Alffe I'd never get tired of you asking and welcome back.:hug:

I just feel I've wasted so much time and energy for nothing. Two months "there", new machine and absolutely nothing but nightmares and confusion. These "treatments" were supposed to help me get out of this hole and all they've done is make me lose my memory, my skills, my reasoning, my thinking. You remember when I said I was going to go back to work and you said if they don't get "it" Alffe? No they don't get it. They stare, they laugh, they talk behind my back. I can't help but think these treatments were done "to" me not for me. All they've done is give me constant headaches, literally. I sat at my mom's grave yesterday and asked her what have I done to deserve this? Am I being punished for not being able to cope? Am I being punished for not knowing and realizing that Mark desperately needed help? I didn't know and if I had known I would have done everything in my power to stop him. No one knew but should I have known because we were so close?

I had so much confidence and was always full of life and now I just feel worthless. It's 5:45 AM and I haven't even been to sleep yet but I have to go to work for 1/2 day and try to be "somebody".

BJ...you are somebody! You're a part of this forum family and we recognize your courage in trying this hard to improve the quality of your life...hell, you want a life worth living and are brave enough to reach out for it. I think you are wonderful and I'm not the only one thinking that!

Your feelings about Mark are so typical of what we survivors feel...if only...that never seems to go away for us.

What does your pdoc think about where you are in this process? Are you turned up as high as you can be? How about the mask...did it ever come?
You can't NOT sleep...(((BJ))) My dear fatherinlaw always used to tell me that nothing succeeds like success. Dear Lord, it's BJ's time to see some.

Have you heard anything from Ada? I know she hopes to have her hand surgery today.

You're co-workers are fools! :mad:

And thank you for the welcome home. :hug:

I think you're somebody .... I even think you're somebody special.

Hi Girlie,
It is a shame that your co-workers are so cruel.
I am rooting for you.
maybe one of them might be better if you took them one-on-one and tried to enlist her help, be a friend to you. How is your boss?
I hope that your half day goes better and that your cpap is that what you are waiting for? arrives soon so that you can get some sleep.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi:hug:

Let us know how work went today....keeping you in my prayers. :hug:

bj....don't you worry....i let the flying monkey's outta the cage. they are going after your co-workers. :p

:hug: :hug:

ditto what wren said. you are somebody pretty darn special.

I know I can't not sleep Alffe but I can't sleep with this VNS because I feel like I'm choking and I'm afraid to fall asleep. They were supposed to deliver my CPAP machine last week and I wasn't here and they didn't leave it even though I signed the release online. They finally delivered it yesterday but shipped the wrong mask. I've tried taking Benadryl but all it did was make my headaches worse. My pdoc only says give it time, it's too soon. We had a very bad session Monday because she told me that it was all in my head that people were staring and talking about me. It's not, I hear it, I see it. But maybe they're right in laughing. Today one of the partners asked me to prepare a Statement of Cash Flows for a company and I just stood there with a blank look on my face. For the life of me I couldn't remember what it was let alone how to prepare one. My memory is so bad and the simplest things I took for granted I can't remember anymore. That's why I have headaches all the time, trying to remember things. So I heard the giggles and hushed tones and yes they were real, I wasn't hearing things like before.

I worked until 12 today and didn't have my appointment until 2. I walked and walked in the rain until it was time to go. My pdoc took one look at me and thought I got caught in a downpour. I told her no, I feel dirty and I have to get it off. Why do I feel dirty? I don't know but I feel like I've done something very wrong and this is what I deserve. So round and round we went once again about grief, guilt and shame. There' just no answer and I can't undo the past. I couldn't read Mark's mind and know that something was wrong. My parents grieved, both died of heart attacks and it was my fault because I didn't know. I told her today that I'd rather be on antidepressants and manic than like this. Of course her answer was no, give it time, keep talking. She hugged me and said it will be okay BJ, I promise.

I'm chilled to the bone and I'm going to take a nice hot shower, have a cup of tea and hopefully I will sleep before I have to be ridiculed again tomorrow then go talk some more. Talking is so tiring. No I haven't heard from Ada Alffe because her computer is in the shop. Ada if you see this I'm wishing you all the best tomorrow for your surgery. :hug:

hugs to you my dear
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
bizi:hug::hug:

((((((((((bj)))))))))))

what about setting an alarm? for even an hour? 30 minutes? try for little power cat naps. the alarm will be there to safe guard that you don't go into too deep of a sleep, but allow you to get some rest.

what about using one of those tiny pocket recorders? record what your boss needs you to do....and give yourself time to find the answers for what you don't remember. hubby has to use one. it takes time, but it becomes a habit and takes the stress off of having to remember.

you're a fighter bj.

i believe you about your co-workers. sounds like they got stuck in jr high. people can be cruel, but there are wonderful ones out there too.

BJ....
 

Mans' inhumanity to man....:mad: Makes me want to kick some ***** and take names but that's no help to you. I believe that you feel very vulnerable, very "out there", very...very..tired of this constant failure of things to "work out"....it's the little things that push us to the limits sometimes.

I have faith in your doctor...I have faith in your ability to hang tough and have the last word in all this...the last word being a life worth living. It's easy for the rest of us to ask you to be patient...you're the one having to live it.

I know in my heart of hearts that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to save Mark...I also understand that you wanted to and feel guilty that you didn't.

I think you are just awesome BJ...I've never met anyone as inspiring in my life. :hug:

:hug: Praying for you ... sending you love and BIG wishes for the best

I can't go on like this with no sleep and wandering mind. I can't say that my time "there" was wasted because I know what's wrong, what's eating at me but I can't fix it. It was such a happy night with Mark's graduation, I never knew, never had a clue. I just feel so guilty that I should have known something was wrong. My dad seemed to turn his back on me after it happened. We never had the relationship that we once had after it happened. My mom was always my mom and never brought it up again, she couldn't even talk about it. I've taken 3 showers tonight trying to make make all the guilt go away but it won't.

I'm talking to the partners today and asking if they could have a little consideration and give me assignments in private instead of blurting it out in front of everyone else. I have a recorder on my phone and I could just push the button and record it, or write it down if they give me time.

I can't remember much of my past life and I'm having a hard time remembering new things. But I can't think of any thing that was wrong that night. But I can't get that into this swiss cheese brain of mine. I'm supposed to go to grief counseling this afternoon but I told my pdoc I'd rather talk to her instead of going there until I can grieve.

bj, you can't remember or think of any signs, because there weren't any. many times people who plan suicide are so caught up in it, they think it's the right thing to do and have an inner peace. their brains are fooling them and everyone around them.

everyone has thier own religious beliefs, but i believe that a darker power has a force in it. nothing the person did wrong to bring it on, but that bad stuff finds a way in.

talking about does cause pain. it can alsp help heal. it's a wound that never will heal, but the pain changes.

very good idea about getting your assignments in private.

i hope today is peaceful at work for you. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Running to catch the South Shore train here but wanted to leave hugs for the room. :grouphug:

BJ
 

You are just stuck in an awful place. I think you really need to go for the grief counseling. Guilt aways is a huge part of being left behind after a loved one kills themself. When our Michael did this, I also had no clue. I had spoken to him on the phone...invited him over for chili but he said he had a cold and was just going to chill out. I said, I love you and he said I love you too. That was the last time I heard his voice.

Like your Mom...I couldn't talk about it...for years, I couldn't and wouldn't talk about what he'd done and I was so angry at him.

There is no logic in our thinking at a time like that. But I thought I should know why he did it and why I didn't have a clue. There are no answers to those questions.

I should have gone for counseling because I, like you, was just stuck there.

:grouphug:

Yes I'm stuck and no one understands what I'm going through. I'm just so mixed up. I've tried and tried to figure out why it happened but I can't. I don't even know why I have to know why now. Maybe it's because I need to know that my dad didn't go to his grave angry with me, but why did our relationship change? I know definitely my mom wasn't angry. We never talked about "it" and I know she was hurting terribly inside but she never ever questioned me about it. I can't even get out what happened on Friday but I did something I haven't done since I went into the hospital. I'm ashamed but can't help feeling that I deserve this, that someway I'm responsible for what happened. I know there's no answer and I'll never know it and that's what's eating at me.

please don't hurt yourself ....
we need you here.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

BJ
 

There are stages of grief...I don't remember what they all are but for me, the toughest one was acceptance. There are still times, after 15 years of living without Michael when I am filled with rage...that he could have done such an awful thing to his family, that he missed out on being an uncle to his sisters kids, and now, he'd be a grandfather if he were alive.

Our oldest daughter wrote me a beautiful letter, which I still have, asking me if she and her sisters weren't reason enough for me to go on living. She asked me if I loved Michael more than my other children.

Suicide has such a devastating effect on those who are left behind because the guilt is crushing and because there are no answers. My poor husband wondered if someone had killed our son...as if somehow that would make it easier to accept and understand.

You have come so far and tried so hard to help yourself...please continue down this same road and try to remember how many of us admire you and are walking beside you. :grouphug:

(((bj)))

maybe your dad just didn't know how to express his feeling and in frustration, it came out as anger.

:hug:

day by day...hour by hour...minute by minute. we are all here for you.

Hi BJ,
 

I got my computer out this morning. I am addicted to it. LOL

I did have my surgery. I have stitches in the palm of my right hand. I go back the 6th to get them out. The surgery went good. My Dr. did a block so as not to let the RSD spread.

I have been so tired though and not sleeping at night. My VNS is turned off. It will be turned back on this evening. I started a new med and I think it is messing up my sleeping now. I shouldn't have started it while I had the VNS off so I could tell how I was doing at night with it off.

As I told you, I am on oxygen at night. I still can't use that CPEP machine. I sure hope you will be able to. My breathing problems are a combination of medical problems so hopefully you will do ok with the CPEP machine. Which mask did you get.

I know about those guilt trips. I use to say that I have racked up more frequent flyer miles with guilt trips then the whole country does with plane trips. LOL

I went through feeling guilty when my friend hung himself. Even with what we are going through we couldn't have known. What I did learn though from losing him is how to see the signs of other peoples depression and helping them with it. I think it awakens our senses more in that way.

You have been through so much. You can't blame yourself for what has happened. You have to learn to forgive yourself and take care of yourself.

As far as the co-workers, you should hold your head up high and be proud of what you have accomplished with getting the help you need. As I told someone awhile back that was harrassing me," at least I know I needed help and asked for it. A lot of people don't admit to needing help and getting it. We did and we are farther alone then a lot of others are now. My feelings are BJ that when people act like some of your co-workers are, that means tey need help in some areas of their lives too.

I hope you start feeling better. I am going to lay down before my appt. My hand is giving me fits now.

Hope you start feeling better soon. I will PM you today too.

Ada

Hi BJ,
 

How are you doing today? I sent you a PM and haven't heard from you, I hope you are ok.

I got my VNS turned on yesterday but we had to turn it down to the lowest dosage due to chest pain.

I went in to see my Dr. and he got really nervey and turned it all the way up. He was thinking since I had it up to the next to the last notch last week before surgery that I could go all the way up on it. I started having some breathing problems after I got home but I wasn't going to call him about it. He called me and said he felt we should be on the safe side and turn it all the way down until I started doing better with my other problems. So now I am down to I think .150 I think it is. If I keep this rate up girl you will have yours up higher then me sooner. LOL

I hope you are seeing some improvement. Let me know and PM me. I am thinking of you and don't let other people worry you with what they say. They aren't worth the worry.

Ada