Xienite
 

You came immediately to mind when I read this today and I wanted to share it with you.

It's from the book, "Touched by Suicide" Hope and Healing After Loss by Michael Myers, M.D. and Carla Fine, and it's from the chapter, Reaching Out for Support.

Are you still with me? :rolleyes:

"The defining part of losing a loved one to suicide is the isolation and alienation you feel from all that was once familiar. It's impossible to imagine that another person can understand the depth of your pain, grief, confusion, or loss. You can't believe anyone else has ever experienced what you are going through or felt so alone. Finding others who can be there for you - because they are there themselves - is the first step in your healing.

Research shows that you function much better and heal from stress more quickly if you are not isolated. Too much time by yourself can have ill effects:

* If you are all alone with your thoughts, you may find yourself churning through them over and over again. Without the perspective of another person, a so-called reality check, your thinking may become altered, distorted, or magnified. Soon, your recollection of what actually happened or what a person may have said can take on an exaggerated meaning. You can also begin to doubt what you heard. Being isolated can make you suspicious and paranoid, and you may find yourself questioning your loved ones' intentions and distancing yourself from them.

* It's difficult to distract yourself from your pain when you are all alone: You get no reprieve from your sorrow, your longing, your guilt. You may find some temporary success in intentionally shutting out your sad thoughts by reading a book or watching television, but all too often you'll probaably find these thoughts are still intruding and are stopping you from concentrating. This can be very frustrating and exhausting.

* Your mood can plummet with isolation. You can get quite depressed and not be able to function. This state of mind will just add to and compound your already low spirits.

* You can get stuck or paralyzed in your isolation and feel out of sync with others and what's going on in the world. It takes much longer and is more difficult to move through your grief if you are not in communication with other people or participating in their lives in any way.

*************

*grin...I know that this was not the book I sent you because it's fairly new!
Did I send you Tear Soup?

You need support dear lady....if you have none in your real life...let us give it to you. Trust me...I know for sure that you are not alone. :grouphug:

dear alfee~
 

you have found extremely good books -
they are excellent for those who need to be consoled/ they need to have
a hug from anothers soul.
I have never lost a child except due to a bad choice called -abortion
yet I have lost friends to what I would like to call
emotionally unstable periods -whereby they lost hope, felt devastated, -
or were on bad prescription drugs and really were all screwed up from the
"pill -age" of human sufferage.
:hug:

Wise words...
 

As always, you have found books that can pin-point what I am feeling and living. Alffe, yes, it was Tear Soup that you sent me, and I thank you again for you kindness and compassion. I know and understand that there are so many souls who you have taken into you heart that there is no way that you can remember us all, so let me do a quick Reader’s Digest version for you and everyone else who is reading.

My mom committed suicide when I was 21 after years of “mental hospitals” and prior attempts. I used to often wonder what my life would have been like if she had lived…through the birth of my child (she could have helped me when I got divorced a few years later), so many things. I am also the one with the troubled son and who was raising her two grandkids for awhile (as was Michael). After being divorced for 20 years, I finally found a guy who could rock my world and who didn’t care if I was six years older. As far as Michael’s death, he had a massive heart attack while I slept next to him. I still wake up every morning between 2:30 and 3:15 with my heart pounding as I jump awake. He was best friend, soul mate…I can remember 5 nights that we spent apart (I was in the hospital after surgery) in 9 years. We were together 24/7 as we worked together also, we were inseparable. He was the one person who showed me what unconditional love was.

Now back to your post….I know I am depressed, but it’s really easy to convince myself that I would be bothering somebody or some such crap. The real problem is no insurance and the cost of the medical bills, if I get past that hurdle the ongoing cost of meds as I am also a chronic pain patient due to my screwed up neck, as well as my high blood pressure. No I haven’t been to my doctor in over a year now and not on any meds. Plus me worrying about my animals (dog and cat) if somebody decided to “extend my stay” at a clinic or hospital. Then the huge brick around my neck of the mobile home I am living in. Yes, it’s paid off, but it looks (feels) like is it splitting in half at the “marriage seam”. I would just love to get the hell out of here, but there is so much *stuff* to go through to get rid of, sell or something it just overwhelms me. Besides, where would I go…I’m broke and no options other than being homeless soon. None of this is what I saw as my future years ago, or even 3 years ago.

The list of things that are falling apart, or need something is depressing in itself. Add to that the other, well it's enough to make you want to throw your hands up and sigh. The nights are easier for me…bill collectors don’t call at night, neighbours don’t knock on the door at night, just easier for me to hide away. Thank you again, your kind words do help and it’s good to know that my words were being read because not all is say was heard. ~

Xie

:hug: xie

i'm sorry i haven't been able to reply to you sooner. just hasn't been a good week. :o

i'm so very glad you found us.

Xienite ~~ :) I just want to say hello and that I'm thinking about you .... and praying for you.

Xie...
 

Your list is too big! One, only one step is required. His clothes...that's so hard....but it will help you to know that there are many needy people who could use and so appreciate having them. And it will help you to have them gone from your home to a new place. via the goodwill, good samaritans, church rummage sales....etc.

It's just "baby steps" dear lady...but it's a beginning. :hug:

I hope you are busy working on that closet! And I hope you are reading here...even though you aren't talking about "it"...please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending positive thoughts your way. :hug:

(((((((Xie)))))))) It's been such a long time and so good to hear from you. SO GLAD you have posted. I remember so well when you were taking care of the grandchildren and how difficult it was to have them and how difficult it was to let them go!

I know...people think I'm nuts when I say this, but I think money can bring happiness. Not being able to meet finances and having those AWFUL creditor calls is so very depressing in and of itself. But when I have the money to be able to live, my depression lifts a lot. Financial woes alone can bring you down to such a low level. And we're all only a heartbeat away from losing everything.

There have been periods in my life when I don't even answer the phone no matter who it is. Don't want to go anywhere. Don't want to get up in the morning or even go to bed at night! The dishes pile up, clutter starts everywhere, things end up on the floor to trip over, laundry piles up in corners. It's all too familiar to me so my heart goes out to you.

Ask for guidance and help! Pray, pray, pray to whatever or whomever you believe in. I'll pray for you as well ((Xie)). :heartthrob:

Still struggling
 

Well another Friday, I'm amazed that I care what day it is. Well, I guess I don't really, just a way to keep track of time that I am not doing anything with.

Alffe, "It" the big elephant in the room that everybody is afraid to talk about. I hate thinking about it, but it does seem that it is the only solution. No, I don't have the courage and I feel terrible thinking that way, as I know what it's like to be a survivor of suicide and I douldn't put that on family and friends. Yep it hurts my heart to know that's it's been over a year since anybody's come b to say hi, but I've probably shoved them away. I just know that I think of ways constantly.

Doody, I agree with you, at least if you have the money you can appreciate it. I think if you've always had money then you tend not to appreciate the basic things in life that it provides for you (and the not so basic :) ) Not sure what will happen soon, as bills are due and no money to pay them.

Alffe, I got rid of 90% of Michael's clothes, that was pretty basic. It's all of his book, the encylopedias, just all the things that he loved. They were special to him or us, now who wants them. I probably won't have any room on my shopping cart anyway. I've been going through things and it's so much easier for me to get rid of my things than his. I don't know, I do know that I am really, really tired of being sad.

Thank you all for kindness and tender words, it means so much to me.

You are worth it Xie :hug:....you sound worn out with grief and longing.
I'm glad that you won't put your loved ones thru a suicide...it's an awful legacy to leave...but I surely can appreciate the lure when your days are all the same. I could tell you that it will get better but you won't believe me.

Just keep fighting it because that's what survivors do!

Can you pm me your address? I have a book I want you to read.
*grin

things could be worse
 

thats what i always say to myself whenever i am down, which lately is all the time.Yes i also have bill collectors calling ,i also havr 4 kids to feed and take care off, each day is hard, sometimes i don't want to wake up but always do, my great uncle killed himself in the very room i am in, also my uncle killed himself, i have always worried that one of the boys or men in my family would kill themselfs and did have a scare two years ago when my wonderful ,beutiful, intelligent and kindharded son tried too thank god i stopped him and got him the help he needed but it is always a scare as it is inherited, and just two weeks ago my only brother lost a battle with that ugly c word cancer ,oh how i loved him and how he loved life to be taken at such a young age. So as you can see you are not alone, but we must go on if not for ourselfs then for everyone else and that includes you, even though we don't know each other you have to understand you may be hurting but you will hurt others if you don't take care,, i don't know if i made any sence as i am very upset, but i hope you got the point deb:hug:

I just wanted to say hi dagm and I'm sorry you are so upset. :hug:

thank you
 

thank you- yes i am upset, i has been a very bad year, but wha else is new, it seems like nothing ever good happens, all my life since i was 16 i have had nothing but heart ache and disbare, but hay i quess that is the why god decided my role in life would be. anyway the point i was trying to make was everyone has ups ande downs but we still have to go on, if not for ourselfs then for everyone else, i know it is hard, but who know what will happen next, geez maybe one of else will win the lottery, keep your head up and continue hard yes but hey someone has too- well off to work for me soon- joy cann't wait as i know i will be cfrawling home once again :eek:

I know you were just being supportive to others while trying to survive...you fit in here just fine. :hug:

yes i was
 

:hug:thank you , yes i am just trying to be supportive, want you all to know that you are not alone. even though we don't really know each other we are all here to help each other, i sure am hoping i say this right sometimes i get off track don't mean too. I just want to help. i know what it's like to be alone, even if you have someone, i have my children but sometimes i still feel alone, you know what i mean. I have lost alot, at 16 my husband to be drowned at 28 my husband got killed (hit by a train) next boyfrind died of cancer, then one had a heart attact now the worst of all my dear loved missed brother at the young age of 48 to cancer i will never be the same but i continue on why you may ask ,because i have to for my kids parents friends, i guess for everyone but myself, which i am trying to change, so yes i feel your pain, but i also feel what it is like to live when someone dies and i wouldn't do that to anyone no matter what, it really is very hard to be the last one standing if you know what i mean but it is the right thing to do. so please remember we are loved and if anyone needs to talk anytime i can let me know, i will try to help. don't know if i did as i am not so good with how i say things sometimes but i want you all to know ,,,I CARE deb:cool:

neck pain also
 

Oh I am sorry I for got to address the neck pain issue. Cann't you get some help from the state for your neck, it is not something that you should let go. If your neck is really bad it can couse all sorts of issues, did you have surgery and that is why you are a chronic neck survivor, notice i said survivor
and thats what i meanti also understand neck pain as i also am a chronic neck back pain survivor. i have had 2 surgerys in the past year and may have to have more yes it is painful and yes no one really understands you may look fine so why are you complaining right, people if it doesn't look broken it isn't right WRONG so i understand alot on that issue if you need me you know how to find me look into that state help also please.. hope you all are feeling better today deb:cool:

good morning deb...I know that you have found your way to our spinal disorders forum..I don't know anything about neck problems (knock wood)
and I'm sorry for all your pain. :hug: I do understand about losing loved ones..that's a different kind of pain...I'm sorry you have experienced so much of that.

(((Xie))) Where you live, can you find social services and ask for a list of places that will help with bills? I had to do that just last year. I definitely don't qualify for being able to go to a food pantry and that sort of thing. But here, there are different organizations, including churches, that will kindly help with basics like utilities. I'd start with the human resoources in your area, find out who is out there to help. It's worth a try. And keep hoping, wishing, and praying for help.

(((Deb))) I'm so sorry for your struggles as well.

Deb, thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry to hear about your loss along with the chronic pain. I’ve been dealing with my neck for 10 years now. I fell on my head which began the problem of my disks getting blown out. Now add the bone spurs and the pins and needles in my little fingers…well you get the idea. They talked about surgery once (when I had insurance) and Michael was alive. I would be happy with decent pain relief (mental and physical) at this point, but then again we go back to insurance. I am in awe of peoples strength in such difficult situations and wonder if I missed that line, or what changed in me this time....

Doody, being in So California right now with the aftermath of the fires, it is so hectic with all the people who lost their homes in the fires. I am trying so hard not to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, it just sounds like it. I make no excuses for my situation…I should have went to counseling months ago. I went right after Michael died, but my therapist was what I felt inappropriate, so I stopped. Then I didn’t get the anti depressants refilled then I basically went into hermit mode. Things just went down hill from there, including me. Now it’s like I am so deep, I can’t see any way out (well maybe….) I am tired of being overwhelmed, tired of my heart hurting, tired of my body hurting.

I think of those people who lost their homes and feel guilty at how I am feeling. Really, if I wouldn’t have shut myself in, maybe none of this would be happening. Now I’ve withdrawn so far, it’s a big feat to get the mail everyday. I wonder what happened to the lady who loved to laugh, talk to strangers, work, clean house…sure isn’t here now. I some sad say it’s like that person died and this is what is left. If it is, I sure don’t like it. Seems like I fell into that person of “what if’s” which I promised I wouldn’t do after Michael died. So glad that I didn’t listen to my own advice.

i sooo understand
 

I really do ,it's like you just want to hide in your room and never come out. believe me i know how you feel each day for me is getting harder and harder, i finnally went out after hiding for the past two weeks and i guess it did make me feel alittle better all my friends were there and my cousins and they know exactly how i am feeeling as they lost a cousin they loved very much, but they all are trying to help me they even want me to go to theere house and hang out this weekend though i don;t know if i will i will think about it they could all telll that i haven't been dooing well by just looking at me but were happy that i got out of my self induced xile don't get me wrong i have been to work and the store but thats it and soooo not like me and i haven't slept in like 3 days going on 4 so i know what you are going though but the longer we are like this the harder it will be to get out again, if you are like me you dread when the mail comes because you have a panic attact about the bills but if we keep up this way the bills will still be there just bigger well i think you know what i am trying to say. and as for your ins. cann't the state help you i know in ny they have a program for people between 19 and 64 that will give you ins if you make under a certain amount i'm sure if you go to an outreach office they can steer you in the right direction i.m sorry this is so long i guess i have been blabbbering i juat wanted to show you that you are not alone take care and try ok deb:grouphug:

((Xie)) All I can do is hope and pray for you and I would like to see you do the same. :hug:

I completely understand the hiding. Absolutely completely.