Uggh... Thanksgiving
 

I think it's safe to say that this condition has not heightened my appreciation for the holiday season. I feel poor enough on a day to day basis as is - I could really do without a bunch of stress and extended family members making matters even less tolerable.

I guess I'm just having one of those days though, I just want to be left alone until I can fall asleep tonight... not exactly the best spot to be in on Thanksgiving, eh?

What about the food!
 

Hi didn't you even enjoy the food???????? It gets a bit sad when I think that the favourite thing in life is sleep but I also love food!
Lucy

Hey PCS McGee,
I hope you get thorough the holidays!! The good thing is that you are conscious of these feelings, however painful they are. Do not beat yourself up that you are feeling this way, just do not let them invade your brain, like an uninvited guest. Good days and bad days are normal, stay positive and focused in your recovery. Hey just look at them as really difficult workouts. Happy Post Thanksgiving!
Nancy

I know what you mean. I hosted Thanksgiving dinner yesterday for 9 people. One of which is someone that causes me a lot of anxiety. I'm already anxious, so this was the last thing I needed. I decided to take my Klonipin in the morning instead of evening to help me get through it.

Turns out that she wasn't as bad as she's been in the past- so I put myself through a lot of stress and anxiety for nothing.

I posted video's of me getting ready and having a bit of a panic attack (I do video blogging from time to time to go on my blog because my readers like to see the 'real' me). Feel free to watch if you'd like. At least you'll see a face to my name. :D

Funny thing did happen though. I set the table on Wednesday, and when I went to put some of the condiments out on Thursday, I noticed that I'd put two spoons (instead of a spoon and knife) in one setting and didn't put any silver wear at all in one place.

That's one of the things that's driving me really crazy. All the weird things I'm doing- like I'm on autopilot and the autopilot isn't driving me to the right place. :)

I hope you ALL had a happy Thanksgiving, in spite of it all. :grouphug:

Good Morning
 

To PCS Mc Gee

Hope you had a good Thanks Giving.

Are you making any progress on your reseach in Nuerofeedback?

Take Care Jeffn

I haven't done any more research on Neurofeedback recently... I was working with a healer guy and was reaping really good benefits, but then a random mishap smacked a rolled up carpet onto my head.

Understandably, I'm not a happy camper - God's seriously on my **** list right now.

Yep I know what you mean
 

To PCS McGee I know what you mean one step forward and two steps backwards that seems to be the game plan with TBI/PCS.

I think it's time to change the rules. This walking around being dysfunctional is a waste of time for me so it's time to take off the gloves and get down to whats causing these symptoms.

Hope to be on line with neurofeedback by the first of the year, still have a few pieces to put together but making progress.

McGee I hope you get back on your feet very soon and yes I have days when I get mad at God also.

Take Care Jeffn

I certainly agree with your sentiments about changing the rules, but I've been trying to do that for a very long time now. I've always known from day 1 following my injury (or at least the first day I realized it wasn't healing properly) that either this trauma or I needed to go, we simply cannot coexist. So I've fought and I've fought, and I've invoked science alongside religion, and while even after my most recent injury I'm now in a MUCH better place than I was in 4 years ago (or 3, or 2, or 1), I am still not in a place that is okay. It's unacceptable.

Discussing various topics both with people who suffer from PCS as well as those who suffer from a less specialized form of PTSD, I've found that a lot of folks with problems similar to mine develop these incredibly complex algorithms that they follow to navigate their way through each day. While I'm impressed with their ability to cope, I also realize that I couldn't be further removed from their view on life. I think I'm just too damn stubborn to cope, or at least to develop coping mechanisms permanently. I will not make compromises with life - I will live it, or I will leave it. These are the terms. This above all else: To thine own self be true, eh?

I apologize for the lack of cohesion here... I think after 55 months of this stuff, I'm just very tired. I'm not giving up yet, nor did I write this while dangling off the edge of a tall building, but this latest injury has me frightened, confused, and depressed... I suppose I just needed to vent. Anyone who could give me a mention in their prayers tonight would be greatly appreciated; the big guy just seems to have turned a deaf ear to my family.

Prayer
 

Your in my prayers McGee, and you will over come this dark night.
Jeffn

PCS McGee
 

Hi, I said a prayer for you too from over here. Can you remind me what happened to you and when - I either haven't seen or have forgotten. I really don't know what to say to you, other than that old cliche - but I do think that I understand some of how you feel, every time I bang, trip or shake my head up I am thinking "I can't do this all from the start again" and am absolutely terrified that I'll be back where I was at 6 years ago. I found what I believe minimises damage or shortens recovery from the new bang and that is shutting myself up in a dark room for 3 days and basically doing nothing. 6 weeks ago when I banged my head again I was sent off for another c/t scan - I discharged myself as the hospital was too noisey for me and thought that it was doing more harm than good. Being told to be careful all the time doesn't do anything other than make me want to scream - for goodness we are always being careful none of us want to bang our heads again ever!! Lynlee

Lucy - I fell over on my 21st birthday over 4 and 1/2 years ago and bumped my head. That's it.

This just hasn't been a good week (or month, or year, or half decade for that matter). It started out really well, but the concussion I had on Wednesday really screwed things up. The dizziness and rampant fatigue appear to have passed by now, but I still feel awful (though I felt awful last week at this time too, so don't mark it down as any sort of significant departure). The impact killed any optimism I still had in my system. I'm getting good sleep, and I'm not in a constant state of anxiety, so I'm in a better spot than a lot of people on this board, but "better" does not always equate to "good".

I really just don't want to do this anymore, but my parents are so damned supportive that I really don't have any choice but to keep hanging on. It just makes me feel horrible, my mom especially is doing everything in her power to help me feel better, but there's just nothing she can do. So she brings me food, and art supplies, and hugs, and prayers, and I just have to sit there and try to smile and say my thank yous until she leaves, at which point I'm free to cry for half an hour. I know it sounds weird, but I often wish that my parents weren't so unfalteringly supportive of me throughout this. I really don't want to be alive anymore, but I don't think I could die with this much guilt.

PCS McGee
 

What you just wrote worries me.

Have you talked to your doctor about how this makes you feel? I know that there are folks who like to avoid meds if possible, but I've been on this earth long enough to know that, at least for me, meds DO make a difference. I'm talking about antidepressants as well as other meds.

I think I have a different attitude about the head bonking stuff because I've been through the "well, here's what you have- now go have a nice life" thing with my liver 20 years ago. I fought it, and fought it and wanted them to FIX me. I researched, had pity parties, went into a deep hole of depression. I did all that stuff.

I finally decided that it's time to stop fighting it (the liver thing), understand that I'll never be 'normal', and take whatever meds the doctor can give me to make me feel better. It's given me a much better attitude about other things that have been thrown my way. Now I focus my energy on life, rather than the illness.

I don't know if you've heard of Cherie Carter-Scott's book 'If Life Is A Game, These Are The Rules'; but I take all of it to heart. I honestly feel that this PCS is one of the lessons that I've refused to learn even though presented to me many times in my life, so I literally had to be hit over the head with it. Dear Lynlee, without even knowing it, made me realize that. My lesson is to quit being such a type A. :Bang-Head:

Pay special attention to rule five:

*****************

Rule One - You will receive a body. Whether you love it or hate it, it's yours for life, so accept it. What counts is what's inside.

Rule Two - You will be presented with lessons. Life is a constant learning experience, which every day provides opportunities for you to learn more. These lessons specific to you, and learning them 'is the key to discovering and fulfilling the meaning and relevance of your own life'.

Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a process of experimentation, trial and error, so it's inevitable things will not always go to plan or turn out how you'd want. Compassion is the remedy for harsh judgment - of ourselves and others. Forgiveness is not only divine - it's also 'the act of erasing an emotional debt'. Behaving ethically, with integrity, and with humor - especially the ability to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps - are central to the perspective that 'mistakes' are simply lessons we must learn.

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifest as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance - 'causality' must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required - change doesn't happen overnight, so give change time to happen.

Rule Five - Learning does not end. While you are alive there are always lessons to be learned. Surrender to the 'rhythm of life', don't struggle against it. Commit to the process of constant learning and change - be humble enough to always acknowledge your own weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt from what you may be accustomed to, because rigidity will deny you the freedom of new possibilities.

Rule Six - "There" is no better than "here". The other side of the hill may be greener than your own, but being there is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are on your journey. Appreciate the abundance of what's good in your life, rather than measure and amass things that do not actually lead to happiness. Living in the present helps you attain peace.

Rule Seven - Others are only mirrors of you. You love or hate something about another person according to what love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant; accept others as they are, and strive for clarity of self-awareness; strive to truly understand and have an objective perception of your own self, your thoughts and feelings. Negative experiences are opportunities to heal the wounds that you carry. Support others, and by doing so you support yourself. Where you are unable to support others it is a sign that you are not adequately attending to your own needs.

Rule Eight - What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to let go when you cannot change things. Don't get angry about things - bitter memories clutter your mind. Courage resides in all of us - use it when you need to do what's right for you. We all possess a strong natural power and adventurous spirit, which you should draw on to embrace what lies ahead.

Rule Nine - Your answers lie inside of you. Trust your instincts and your innermost feelings, whether you hear them as a little voice or a flash of inspiration. Listen to feelings as well as sounds. Look, listen, and trust. Draw on your natural inspiration.

Rule Ten - You will forget all this at birth. We are all born with all of these capabilities - our early experiences lead us into a physical world, away from our spiritual selves, so that we become doubtful, cynical and lacking belief and confidence. The ten Rules are not commandments, they are universal truths that apply to us all. When you lose your way, call upon them. Have faith in the strength of your spirit. Aspire to be wise - wisdom the ultimate path of your life, and it knows no limits other than those you impose on yourself.

********************

I pray that this does not come across as 'preachy'. I just have been where you're at before- that place where you really don't want to do 'this' (whatever 'this' is at the time) anymore. I have had many struggles, things that caused the PTSD which made this head bonking thing even worse than it should have been. I have a liver disease that will either kill me or require a transplant at some point.

I fear that what I'm about to write might cause some upset with people, but I'm going to take that chance.

I've learned that accepting what has happened and then working with it, not against it, has helped me tremendously. This doesn't mean that by accepting it, I've allowed it to change my life. I still do the same things I've always done- just not as well. I've learned to accept that (well, mostly!)

I understand that I'm taking chances by continuing with my life the way it's always been because now the perception of me will be different. People who didn't know me 'before' might not know the 'real' me. They might not understand that there is a brain under all that fog. People may think that I've turned into a raging alcoholic because oftentimes I look like I'm drunk.

Mostly, I've learned that accepting medication that the doctor recommends, rather than try to be brave has been one of the things that has helped me the most.

I have sons your age, and so I feel those 'mothering' instincts when reading your posts. I don't want you to feel like this because you have a LONG life ahead of you. :hug:

I'm sorry for the length of this- but I truly HAVE been where you're at. I hope something I've written helps.

Hugs,
Lori

I'm glad you've found comfort in your ailments, but because of the nature of my injuries, I cannot due that.

I have tried medication before, it did nothing for me. I've always referred to taking anti depressants for PCS and PTSD to be "taking Robotussin for throat cancer". You're dealing with the right part of the body, but the drug is doing nothing to alleviate the actual problem. I've had my brain chemistry mapped out - I actually have almost twice the seratonin floating around in my brain as your average joe on the street, so what's a drug whose sole purpose is to increase the amount of seratonin in my system going to do for me? Nada. Zip. El zilcho.

Secondly, were I just dealing with the dizziness, confusion, and etc that this condition brings, I bet I would be able to find a life worth living within these parameters, but that's not all I'm dealing with. As I said above, my problems date back to my 21st birthday - that's the root of my PCS as well as my PTSD.

That night I went to the bars and hosted a giant party at my house. Unfortunately, by way of this, my PTSD triggers are particularly suffocating. If I go to a bar, I get triggered. If I talk about alcohol with someone, I get triggered. If I see someone drink alcohol, I get triggered. If I see one of my friends, regardless of whether alcohol is around or not, I get triggered.

My "triggered" state sucks my soul right out of my body. The minute I cross that threshold I no longer feel as though I am where I actually am. An hour or two of exposure and I'll feel like a ghost (that's the best way I can feel to describe it). I'll be up until 6 or 7 in the morning that night in a state of constant panic, and once I do get a little sleep, I'll wake up a couple of hours later with the spot on my head that I hit absolutely throbbing. I'll be dizzy and dehydrated all day. I'll have moments of dimentia. I won't be able to cry, though I'll feel no greater urge to at any point during my life.

All that because I wanted to see one of my friends. You think there is a LESSON in this? Are you ****ing KIDDING ME? Do you honestly think I'm learning a single goddamn thing from this ******** at this point? Here's what I've learned: **** happens. Here's one more: The human mind is a flawed creature. Here's another one: Bad things sometimes happen to good people for no reason at all.

Note: I knew all of these things before this happened. Life is a gamble, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Unless I can get out of this, I will have won for 21 years, and lost for however many came after that.

If I do not overcome this illness I won't be able to have friends. I won't be able to date. I won't be able to get married, or have kids, or love, or feel, or give a **** whether I wake up tomorrow or die in my sleep. I won't be able to do the only thing I ever wanted to do, and that's be a highschool history teacher. Even if I just hung on and hung on and didn't give up, I would live with my parents for the rest of my life. I would eat food and breathe oxygen and watch television, and talk about sports, and that would be the end of it. I would be your classic "dead man walking".

The truth of the matter for me is different than the truth for you. You have found ways to live despite your injuries, but the parameters my injuries have placed on me do not allow me to do that. I believe that life is meant to be LIVED, and if I can't just LIVE (meaning not squeaking by every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life), then I am as good as dead regardless of whether my life actually ends or not.

One of two things will happen here: Either I will make it out of this conundrum, and nothing else will matter for the rest of my life, or I will not make it out of this conundrum, and nothing else will matter for the rest of my life. That's just the way it is for me.

I think you misunderstood my statement. I said that this was MY lesson, not yours. I do believe this is a lesson for me. It's one that I've yet to learn, but am going to learn this time. I did not say that you are learning anything from this.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way and I truly do understand the anger. I've been there before, as I wrote in the post. I just am getting too old to get angry about things anymore. And.... I was worried about you and the things you were writing. Surely there must be something the doctor can do to help you with the depression.

I humbly apologize if I offended you. That was absolutely not my intent.

Friends? :hug:

I am not angry at you, but it makes me very upset when people try to fish for purpose in what's happened to me. When I tell people that I can't drink, and I tell people what's happened to me, occasionally people will try to treat it as some sort of a miracle. Like my life was headed down a path of depravity so God reached down and beat me over the head to save me from it. I'm sure you can understand how obnoxious that frame of mind would seem to someone in my situation. I've been absolved of nearly every ounce of my free will... I hardly find that miraculous.

That's another thing that upsets me. I will make no attempts to undercut all of the pain that you have in your life, but I am not old. I'm 25. I haven't been able to live my life since the very moment that I turned 21. You graduated from school, got out into the world, started your career, accepted success as well as failure, found love, married, had kids, and then some number of years later this happened to you. I never got to do any of those things. I was very much in love when this happened, and while I still keep in touch with her now, that relationship is gone. I never had kids. I never had success or failure. I just had a utopian youth for 21 years, and then my life stopped. It didn't end, it stopped. My story is far more tragic now than it would have been if I had somehow died when I hit my head all of those years ago.

If I were 40, or 50, or 60 when this took hold of my life, I think I'd be okay. Most of the impacts I was meant to make on this world would have already been made. As is? I was good to my friends and my family, and I enjoyed every moment of my life when I had it, but I've yet to get the chance to do what I was sent here to do.

Referencing rule nine of your author friend's spiritual manifesto: Roughly 5 minutes before I hit my head on my 21st, I found myself standing in front of a hallway closet at my house, trying to figure out whether I should put on my skiing helmet or not. It was a random-ish occurence at the time, but I had a strong gut feeling that I should put that helmet on for some odd reason. Unfortunately, my helmet was really dorky looking (not funny dorky, more "you're an idiot" dorky), so I didn't put it on. Five minutes later: Thud.

I often wonder if that was it. If that was a life or death decision that I simply was unaware of. I really don't know, I suppose time will tell. As a result of that incident, I am in no way lacking in faith beyond this life; what's been sapped from me over the past 50+ months is my faith in second chances.

I hope that you don't think I was fishing of why this happened to you. Geez, that'd be a horrible thing for anyone to do. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. If someone tries to tell you that- tell them to bugger off.

My intent was just to share with you that I've been where you are- yes, back in my 20's. I was lucky that I had my kids when I was 19 and 20. :)

It did cost me my marriage, my job, AND my social life. I've learned to adapt and now have a completely different life, different lifestyle, different husband (!) and a job that fits with my disability. I'm new to the PCS world, but have decided to use the lessons I've learned from the other stuff to adapt to this too.

I can see that my message didn't come across the way that I had intended it to, and for that I apologize.

You and I are not the exact same place, but I'm still kickin' around and doing what I can with what I have. I hoped that it would be a message of hope. That truly was my intent, and I am really sorry that it was interpreted differently.

My hope for you is that there WILL be something that can be done to make you feel better.

PCS McGee
 

Hi, you must have a christian name that we can call you by! My son is 25 years old and I would hate for him to be feeling the same way that I do now - so limited in what he could be doing and the emotional and physical pain that is all tied up with it.

I think I have said many times that I have found out who my true friends are. (unfortunately when I was divorced I found out as well). I was a social animal and was at my best when having 20 or so people for a barbeque and just loved creating themed parties at my house. Do you have to go to bars?? What happens if you have just one of your old friends around to your place. Would you react to that? Do you have any new contacts that don't "set you off". If you have been through all of this you will no doubt be thinking - shut up go away and leave me alone - that is what I say to people and especially - don't tell me what to do!! (and often quite loudly). I have also found out that a couple of the contacts that I had have now become friends.

Mothers always want to fix things for their children - my mother who died in April was still wanting to try and help me - and there I was feeling guilty that because of my condition I couldn't help her as I should have been able to.

The PTSD seems to be your biggest problem and no doubt you have had treatment and taken pills for it. How about writing me a list of what are able to do comfortably.

I wish that I could give you a hug - but hugs don't help a lot do they?? Sympathy is also the hardest thing to deal with - it still makes me cry (out of sight always though). Writing this I have tears in my eyes.

And I agree - we don't deserve this - and just guessing - we are all nice people. We are now all nice people with problems and it isn't fair!!

You know what I am worried about now - when I become a grandmother I won't be able to babysit all day or anything like that on my own - the toddler would be running rampart while the gran was asleep - you can just about picture a cartoon of that!!!

Now be good and reply and write me that list of what you can confortably do.

PCS McGee
 

Hi, you must have a christian name that we can call you by! My son is 25 years old and I would hate for him to be feeling the same way that I do now - so limited in what he could be doing and the emotional and physical pain that is all tied up with it.

I think I have said many times that I have found out who my true friends are. (unfortunately when I was divorced I found out as well). I was a social animal and was at my best when having 20 or so people for a barbeque and just loved creating themed parties at my house. Do you have to go to bars?? What happens if you have just one of your old friends around to your place. Would you react to that? Do you have any new contacts that don't "set you off". If you have been through all of this you will no doubt be thinking - shut up go away and leave me alone - that is what I say to people and especially - don't tell me what to do!! (and often quite loudly). I have also found out that a couple of the contacts that I had pre accident have now become friends.

Mothers always want to fix things for their children - my mother who died in April was still wanting to try and help me - and there I was feeling guilty that because of my condition I couldn't help her as I should have been able to.

The PTSD seems to be your biggest problem and no doubt you have had treatment and taken pills for it. How about writing me a list of what are able to do comfortably.

I wish that I could give you a hug - but hugs don't help a lot do they?? Sympathy is also the hardest thing to deal with - it still makes me cry (out of sight always though). Writing this I have tears in my eyes.

And I agree - we don't deserve this - and just guessing - we are all nice people. We are now all nice people with problems and it isn't fair!!

You know what I am worried about now - when I become a grandmother I won't be able to babysit all day or anything like that on my own - the toddler would be running rampart while the gran was asleep - you can just about picture a cartoon of that!!!

Now be good and reply and write me that list of what you can confortably do.

Unfortunately, I do get set off even if it's just one friend over at my house. A couple weeks ago I got set off by a phone call. It used to be worse though, it used to be that I'd get triggered every Friday in the early evening (my 21st was on a friday) regardless of what I did, and that trigger would last through Monday afternoon. That was un-fun.

The one loophole seems to be that I can play golf with one of my friends without getting triggered. No idea what that's about, but that's the way things are. The golf season lasts for about 6 months out of the year here, but I'm really not a very good golfer, and I play slowly, so I'm really only comfortable playing on weekday afternoons (when my friends are usually working).

That's about it though as far as social stuff goes. I was actually able to do more when I felt REALLY horrible (though obviously I didn't enjoy much of it), because getting triggered would take me from feeling awful to feeling abysmal (not such a great distance between the two) as opposed to now where getting triggered takes me from feeling fairly bad to feeling outright horrific... the distance between the points is too great now. It screws me up too much.

I can watch tv, and read, and dink around on the internet without issue. I can do mindless work pretty easily, but starting a new gig always freaks me out fairly heavily. Uhh... I can buy groceries. Drive cars, see therapists, smoke cigarettes, though I can only have about one a day (I call them my last line of defense, as all of my other vices - booze, marijuana, and sex - have been taken away from me... I've still got my smokes). I used to ride my bike a fair amount, but it's winter now and someone stole my bike a few weeks ago. I'd like to go skiing some time, but the risk of hitting my head again is way too great.

That's about it though, back when I was myself my great pleasures in life were writing (don't enjoy it anymore... it doesn't flow like it used to), socializing and substances (just beer and weed), or some mix of the 3. Oh, and sports. I watch a lot of sports to pass the time, and I go to a Denver Broncos game every now and again, but I can't go to college football games anymore (my favorite), those are just trigger city.

Oh, and I've got an agnostic name, Lucy :D

PCS Mcgee,
I read all your posts here. I am sorry, you are so overwhelmed with grief! What do you mean by trigger, is that spiraling into a depression or more symptoms or both? For lack of a better word, this so sucks for you and I pray for you to find some strength. You asked for prayers earlier, so you may not be all agnostic. You are still so young but I know 5 years is so much time for you, 20% of your life. Your depression is overwhelming you and I know you already know that the alcohol is making it worse but, you do not give a damn about that right now, and perhaps you feel you do not like your self enough now to take care of yourself more. All of this is a vicious cycle and a hard thing to take control of. Take a good look at your self and try to love yourself as much as your parents do. I mean love the injured self. Admire your spirit and do not expect or judge yourself so harshly. This may be too much for you to handle on your own, you might want to speak to a therapist about the dark times and not only focus on PCS stuff, purge the suicide thoughts too. I hope I am not just spilling out crap to you. I read your pain and hope you can get some relief. I am sure you are a very talented person and stopping your journey on this earth, would be not only a sad loss of life but all that pain would continue to flourish in your family. Sorry for ramble, take care.
Nancy

MCGee

My thoughts are that you need to build on what you have got now. And yes all easier said than done. Does life have to revolve around bars? What about the "19th" hole at the golf course - can you go in there without a problem - can you go see a movie? How do you know that you can't date? Have you asked anybody out? You can obviously hold a conversation. Or is it that you think that you have nothing to offer? I have been through those issues and it is only in the last few months with a new psychologist that I have been able to reconcile the new me with the old. Previously "average" was not acceptable to me - now I have come to accept it - after all those that were always average don't go beating themselves up do they - they also have parts of themselves that are below average and still don't beat themselves up. OK they may not know they are like that - our problem is that we know that we were clever or exceptional in many ways. You say that you don't enjoy writing any more - you seem to express yourself pretty well still.

You can drive, play golf, no problems on a pc, do you live on your own - you must be able to cope with basic house stuff and can get yourself to and from the super market. At one stage I could not do some of those things. I can now though at times can't do the supermarket thing.

"Starting a new gig" Not a NZ expression - is this when you try to do something new? And the pressure of doing it affects you? This sometimes happens to me - all the self doubt emerges and I feel my brain getting hot - at that stage my brain and I have an argument - when I first started using this forum I stressed hugely- even learning to use different parts of it - I have given up on the smiley things - and have stopped stressing over my imperfect grammar and I know that the way words come out can be a bit odd at times - I think that I have now come up with "this is me - take it or leave it with other people - their loss not mine" This may have come with a confidence from age though.

Having this happen to me at 45 may have been better than at 21 as I did have 45 years of life experience to get me by - as I still have most of that intact - though it is hard retreiving it from my brain. So yes you could say I was lucky. I did have a major car accident a week after my 21st and was unconcious for a day - it was a bit like you - I had initially said I won't drive and then said OK I will drive - 10 o'clock in the morning my car was a write off. Something had been saying to me don't drive. This accident in hind sight was the start of it all.

You said that you wanted to be a history teacher. Is this because you like history or children or is it both?

I have to go to work now, so if I think of anything else I will add it during the day.

Lynlee
 

Previously "average" was not acceptable to me - now I have come to accept it - after all those that were always average don't go beating themselves up do they - they also have parts of themselves that are below average and still don't beat themselves up.

You wrote what I was thinking MUCH more eloquently than me. You are truly a sweetheart. :hug:

McGee, I hope you're doing better today. Hugs to you too.

~Lori

McGee, I have been keeping you in my prayers. My only son is 23 years old, so I understand what you mean about missing out on life - like going out to bars and football games and so on - the things most young men like to do. But he also likes to go to coffee shops and studies foreign languages in his spare time and likes hiking. Unfortunately, he lives about four hours away, so I don't get to see him very often. You are a very intelligent young man and you were getting better, so don't let this latest setback throw you off from your recovery. There has to be help out there somewhere in this great country! I was wondering if you could volunteer at a high school for a few hours a week, or would that be too much stress for you? I am sure you have a lot to offer to younger students.

PS. You were able to ride a bike! I hope I can get back on my bike next spring as our local bike club is my main social life.

Thank you all for your thoughts, though I feel the need to clear some things up here...

Nancy F: I haven't had a drink in 2 years, I just happen to miss drinking. I didn't do it a lot, but it was something I enjoyed. Also, agnostic people are perfectly capable of praying.

Lucy: It's not just bars, it's social events. I've been triggered by phone calls before - the last time I was really heavily triggered was precipitated by my going over to a friend's house and having him work on my car. Going to bars and parties are absolutely out of the question at this point. I can't date because I can't do social things right now, social things are what dating people do. I want to be a teacher because I was one of the greatest summer camp counselors of the modern era, it's a natural transition.

Here's the thing, folks: All of you (even those who have been dealing with this for as long as I have) seem to have found ways to maneuver yourselves through your lives and find purpose and pride in doing so. You aren't living as comfortably as you once did, but you all seem to have a healthy measure of appreciation for the fact that you are in fact still living despite all of these pains and problems you have to deal with every day. I am simply not wired in this fashion.

I do not believe that we are put on this planet for the glory of some nonlocal deity, I believe that we are put on this planet to LIVE. As such, I am not afraid of the concept of death, but I am terrified of the concept of living another year (let alone another decade) like I currently am.

Do not take this as self loathing. I love myself very much. I was a far better person in nearly every way before this happened, but I still think the person I am now is pretty kick ***, especially considering the circumstances. That said, I am not willing to remain the person that I currently am indefinitely, nor will I ever be.

I believe life is meant to be lived in big fat chunks. I believe we're here to laugh, love, yell, drink, cheer, and carry on; and I know for a fact that as I am I cannot express these most human of emotions and actions nearly as well as I need to be able to if I want to live a big, full life. I want to live a big, full life. I will accept nothing less.

That's the deal I made with God before coming here. I will live this life, but only if I can truly live it. I will not allow myself to fade into oblivion or obscurity within the minds and memories of people who once were my dearest friends. I am unwilling to spend the rest of my life squeaking by every day, living paycheck to paycheck on a spiritual level. That does not work for me.

That is why I have said from day one of this condition that I will do everything in my power to get my life back (because I truly enjoyed every minute of every day of my life before this happened), but if I get to a point where there's nothing left to do, and there are no stones left unturned, and I'm still unacceptably ill between my ears, I will not hesitate to leave this place by my own hand. Like I said, that's the deal I made with God: I will live this life, but only if I can truly live it.

My beliefs are likely different than yours, and I don't fault either of us for this fact. I am simply me, and you are simply you, this is how things are supposed to be. But don't worry about me, because I'm not going to take a long walk off a short pier unless I'm certain that it's my only remaining choice. And if it does come to that, I'll do so knowing that I fought for my life as hard as I possibly could. I'll leave with no regrets.

That's just how it is.

McGee,
I do admire your huge efforts to get well and this does reflect alot of self respect and we can only hope you keep thinking that you will improve. Perhaps you are trying too hard, if that is possible. The stress that it takes, with this effort can prolong healing. Stress is a nasty ugly contaminant in most healings. I love your career goal, it is such a great contribution and so needed. Good passionate teachers who truly pay attention to the adolescents are capable of having a very rewarding life. I hope you get there. I pray you can feel joy again and smile. You deserve a good laugh and some flashing moments of joy. These kind of feelings are the medicine your brain needs to heal. Your feelings of frustration are understandable and very normal and I know you are tired of the effort you have put forth. You have done alot of good work. Give your self a few days off and just try to find some smiles somewhere. This kind of simplicity can be powerful and relieving at times. Get through Christmas, things always seem clearer in January, for those who are unhappy about things in their life. January might offer more strength to keep going forward. I really feel alot of PCS patients do have their healing set back alot with stess. Working on your depression will help healing possibly. Again, I admire your perserverence.

Well said Nancy. I think it is a huge problem with PCS - trying too hard. Like I have said before - it is kind of reverse thinking - you are better off not trying too hard - very hard to get your head around.! How is your son doing?

McGee
There are a lot of stones on the planet.

Lynlee

Another novel from yours truly
 

Thank you for that Nancy! You are so right about the stress involved in trying too hard. I've read this a few times while researching the head bonking stuff, that we need to be kind and gentle with ourselves- otherwise we're prolonging the time it takes to heal.

Trust me, I'm NOT a believer in rolling over and playing dead- but I'm not going to fight a battle that I cannot win- right now. I've always learned to pick the battles that deserve fighting, and let go of the battles that I cannot win.

Right now, I believe that my job is to learn to adapt and adjust. That's enough for me right now- and boy, does it help to 'know' other people walking in shoes like mine. We're not walking in the same exact shoes, to be sure- but enough that we understand and have compassion for each other.
I don't think I've mentioned this, but I've been a Hospice volunteer for the better part of 10 years (not since I bonked my head though). Boy does THAT put things into perspective. Maybe that's why I think the way that I do. If so, I'm grateful for that experience because perhaps it prepared me for this.

I had lunch with one of my previous managers today, and she was honest with me that I've changed. She started to cry and said, "Lori- do you realize how much slower you are?" She told me that I act like I'm thinking in slow motion and even my facial expressions are different. She told me I looked like a ghost. She hasn't seen me since before I bonked my head- so only knows the old me. She's a very good friend and I know she was just worried, but man- I didn't realize I was THAT bad. :eek:

'course, it was a pretty bad day for me. I told her that I'm honestly OK psychologically with all of this. And I really am.

McGee
 

I'm so glad to read that you're not planning on walking off a short pier anytime soon. :hug:

I've mentioned before that I have sons your age and I can only imagine that they'd have the same fight in them that you do. I do not fault you in the least for that. We are who we are, and we should all celebrate in that.

I'm really glad that your parents are supportive to you. Let them carry you through the holidays and let's have this chat again in January.

I think you have too many moms on this board. :winky:

PS- MGGee....
 

Have you ever considered being a researcher? Your writing skills are exceptional and it looks like you really enjoy research.

Just my .02

Lynlee,
My son is doing well, thanks for asking. He is letting me do all the stressing and worrying! He comes home from wrestling practice most times with a smile and is happy now to be working out and conditioning with the team but no live wrestling. He did very well on his PSAT's and improved his scores alot from preinjury. I feel the big unknown is whether he will hit his head again soon like all of you and have more longer lasting Boughts of PCS. This is my worry! Life is no guarantee and I am grateful for him and all that I have in life. I am grateful to all of you for making me wiser.
Risible,
Your past hospice work I am sure has helped you alot. My experience with death and dying certainly has helped me cope with tragedy and suffering. Do not feel down about your friends comments. I'm sure she is a good friend but that kind of feedback might not of helped too much. Your sprituality is such a strength and a powerful coping tool. You are lucky and blessed to be so strong. Carry on and have a wonderful holiday!!

I'm not one for extended focus. The only sit down stimuli that can keep me entertained for more than an hour are Television and Vonnegut.

This story grabbed me a little bit. My friends were never so direct with me after I hit my head... they'd say ambiguous things like "you seem to have lost that snap, that spark..." or "you feeling alright? You don't look too good", but they'd never just lose it like that with me.

Your injury is fairly recent, things will come back... it just takes time. Odd coming from me in light of my recent comments, but even with my frustration being where it is right now, it still takes no effort at all for me to realize that I'm in a much clearer place now than I was a year ago, let alone 4 years ago. Next time you see her, you should flip out about how bad her hair looks. Call it proactive karma.

Goofy!

My friend is a worrier, and I know that about her. Plus she really did get me on a super bad day. I think I have a sinus thing going on right now, plus I've overdone it the past few days so I'm a couple sandwiches short of a picnic basket, truth be told. Sinus stuff does that to me.

Besides, there's something about gal pals over the age of 40 that have full license to say exactly what's on their mind to each other. :rolleyes: