Trigger!!!!!! Death - Still Grieving
 

Dear Friends,

Those of you who have read my other post will know that my girlfriend died unexpectedly last October 27 while recovering from spinal surgery

Since no one in her family lived closer than four hundred miles away, it has fallen to me to prepare her apartment for cleaning and relisting. It is a chore that I was glad to undertake since it made me feel that I was still being useful to her and that I was doing what she would want me to do.

Yesterday the process finally came to an end, in terms of my ferreting through her belongings. It was tough. I always felt like a ghoul and a voyeur but I didn't want curious salvors, (or her family), seeing personal things that were no one else's business. A thrift store co-operative collection van came and took away all her clothing and much of her furniture. Now, all that remains is to be on hand to open the apartment door for other groups, (an adult day-care center, the library), to take away things in which they had expressed interest.

Her brother came up to SF from Orange County to assist in the process and he was a gem. Just the blend of practicality and sentiment that the moment needed. I was so glad when he gave expression to the embarrassment that he felt in disposing wholesalely of items of great value for virtually nothing. Furthermore, items in which my girlfriend took great pride in possessing. But there was no choice. Every time we got sidetracked into looking through something of hers, we lost time. He is back in Orange County today and the flat must be cleaned and ready for reoccupancy by January 1. Moreover, due to Christmas, December really ends on December 21. It was reassuring to know that someone else who loved her was feeling the same pangs of guilt that I was myself in rushing to clear out the evidence of a life.

My girlfriend was deeply ashamed by her failure in her chosen profession. But for her congenital spinal fragility, her talent in that field would undoubtedly have made her a success. But I doubt that her bipolarity would ever have allowed her to be happy in it. Especially since she was endowed with such startling empathy. I think that the cumulative effect of the tragedies that she would have witnessed would have had an profoundly negative effect on her psyche.

On the other hand, had she had some early direction towards the healing professions, she would not only have been a great success but also, I believe, extremely happy due to her talent of empathetically tuning into troubled peoples' needs.

Ah, well. Woulda. Shoulda. Coulda. I could just as easily be completely wrong.

I was extremely lucky to have found her. All the verbiage above is just more of the grieving process in action. I am better today than I was in the week after her death, and I will be better still two weeks from now. That's just the way it works.

I must say, however, that for a person with my world view, (I would normally use weltanschauung here, but, in deference to my girlfriend's opinion that my using it it just made readers think that I was a snotty asshole, I am substituting world view), the vaporization of the physical evidence of her existence is troubling.

Thanks again for all you solicitude. It made it easier. Compassionate comments by sensitive people are the best thing for grief, (beside benzodiazepines).

Fondly,

Highhatsize

By dealing with this traumatic time, with dignity compassion and with true love. Your girlfriend would be pleased with the way you have organised her belongings, held in this life.

The wonderful thing is that the memories she left behind are yours to keep forever, and will never be discarded..occassionaly hidden deep inside your mind, but open to access and reminice whenever you so desire.

Empathay was left behind for you, use this rare human emotion to good effect, which no doubt you will..........

My sincere condolences for your loss


David

Dear Highhatsize,
So glad that that par tof this process is behind you now.
Wonder if you could do some journalling write what ever you want to remember down in a special book, You may find great comfort in your writings a year or longer from now.
YOu are such a good writer, you could even jsut print out here what you have written about her.
thinking of you
bizi

My condolences.

befuddled2

Dear Highhatsize,

A year and a half ago the woman I had adopted as my mother for the past 20+ years died and her biological daughter and I spent about six weeks going through the stuff she had collected in the house she had moved into 18 years earlier.

We didn't have to get rid of major furniture because the house was staying in the family. But we had to go through her collections of stuff from garage sales, after Christmas sales, crafts, hobbies, paper work and financial records, clothes, jewelry, books, . . .
We took our time, spending about six weekends.

It was hard work but we knew that what we were doing was part of the grieving process and would help with healing later. And yes, the two of us cursed and joked about her collections. We had lots of time to remember stories.


This is all to say, "I hear you."

I hope that your good memories will keep you going.
Mari

Thinking of you. :grouphug:

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Nikko:hug:

Hi,
 

I can relate to what you went through and are still going through.

I lost my beloved husband of 34+ years in Nov. of last year. I went through some of his things while his kids were here and gave them what they wanted. I knew he would have wanted that.

I had to sell a lot of my things and pack. By April of this year, I had moved into a new place. I just couldn't deal with all of the memories in the home we had bought, remodeled to make homey and enjoyed so much together.

I still have his clothes in boxes here in my living room. I was going to have quilts made out of them for our 2 Grandson's for Christmas but I still can't do it and neither can my daughter.

This year is harder on me then last. I think because I was still in shock at Christmas last year. It hasn't gotten much easier.

They say Time heals all wounds. Let's hope that's the case. We don't forget them, we just put them in a special place in our hearts.

I think of all of the happy memories we made together. I find myself many times taking the trips in my mind that we took, doing something with our Grandson's that we loved doing. Just all good memories.

I hope things start getting easier for you as time goes by. You both were blessed to have each other.

Ada

this was so touching
 

Dear Highhatsize,

I was really touched by this. It must have been heartbreaking. But at least, the way that you did things, even if "wholesalely," was organized enough to find good homes for many of her things... to those who are needy. Sounds like she would approve of that! She no longer needs those things, after all.

I do wish you had had more time to sift through her things and spend some reminiscence time in that way. Perhaps you needed her things... a little longer than she did.

At least, by now, i hope you are feeling some relief about the task as it is behind you? I'm glad her brother came to help.

Hang in there. Keep posting. We're here.

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

Getting Better?
 

I guess that I am getting better. It seems that the mantle of grief that used to shut out the sun is becoming threadbare. Time is becoming more bearable.

My girlfriend's apartment is cleared entirely but for a few items that are awaiting pickup by charities and purchasers. My only continuing function is to let them in when they arrive which must be by the end of the month. There is nothing left therein that personalizes her occupancy.

Her death was so capriciously cruel. The non-lifethreatening surgery was the last in a series of health improvement measures that she had courageously undertaken to enjoy and expand the horizons of her life. I strongly encouraged her decision. Had I but known. What happened was not a possibility.

Thank you all.

hi there Highhatsize
 

good to hear from you. glad you're hanging in there.

it's odd, i was thinking of you just yesterday and thinking to myself i needed to bump your thread and see how the heck you are doing.

yes "capriciously cruel" i find are most suitable words for what happened.

it sounds like you are doing as well as you can getting through. you have been so steadfast and so brave.

i hope you can release yourself of blame for your encouragement of the surgery. you were being supportive then, and you deserve only credit for that.

:grouphug:

take care of yourself. and don't be a stranger. we are here for you...

:hug:

~ waves ~

dear Highhatsize
 

Merry Christmas!

(or happy holiday? if you don't celebrate.) Either way, I hope you are able to find peace within yourself today, and solace from your grief. Do you have any plans?

Thinking of you... and wishing you well... good vibes your way. And an angel for good measure. I think already you have an angel with you always, in your heart. But even if you don't believe in "angels"... well, I will believe for you, and my angel will watch over you as well, incognito. ;)

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

((( highhatsize )))

~ waves ~ wishing you peace and serenity

Thanks Again
 

Dear waves & other friends,

Thanks again for your concern. Christmas Day passed uneventfully. I live with my sister at her request because of my psychopathic brother-in-law so holiday celebrations do not occur behind the door to our house.

Lots of friends and acquaintances are concerned about my well-being and have contacted me to let me know that and that above all has made things a lot easier.

On Christmas Day, (I insist on calling it "Christmas" because that name actually means something. Secularly, it is the giving and receiving of presents for the pleasure of the recipient's reaction, parties, meeting other people you haven't seen for a long time, eating and drinking in celebration, [albeit sodie pop in my case]. The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, on whose Board of Directors I serve, recently voted 6-1, [Guess who was the "1"]), to change the name of the Christmas Party to the "Holiday" Party because an anonymous person objected to the presence of the word "Christ". I pointed out that calling it the holiday party was inane; that it described both Christmas and Columbus Day, but was dismissed. I also suggested that there are some offenses in life that unusually sensitive people must simply learn to live with, particularly when no offense is intended. That resulted in my being criticized for being "'in'sensitive".), - to continue - on Christmas Day I was invited to see "The Savages" starring Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman. The acting is terrific. Linney is a sure Oscar nominee. Hoffman played his role very subdued, doubtless under the Director's orders. But it is Linney's film. I thought that I might have to cut out early when I read a description of the plot, but it wasn't that well written. Some of the characters' actions didn't ring true within my own experience. So, by virtue of being not written as perceptively as it could have been, it was tolerable. It is certainly well worth seeing. Be warned though, the plot involves two estranged adult children in their forties having to deal with the situation in which their father, living on the other side of the country, who was abusive to them as children and ultimately deserted the family, becomes demented. They fly out to take care of what they think is paperwork and wind up having to take him back home with them to Buffalo, NY..

It is not a "feel good" film.

As you can see by the above, I am able to become interested in intellectual trivia, and I think that that is a symptom of improvement. I am still angry though, at god, at fate,at my girlfriend for not taking better care of her health, and, principally, at myself for having encouraged her to undertake the operation that killed her.

Fondly,

Dear Highhatsize
 

Hi there,

I am glad to hear from you, and that you are beginning to feel a little better overall. The anger you are experiencing towards yourself, your girlfriend... et al... is a part of the grieving process. it will relent.

I say this seldom but as I feel connected right now... I will pray for you. I will pray to God for you. i hope you don't mind this, on behalf of a confirmed agnostic. But i am also somewhat mystic. I often i feel connected to the cosmos as part of a tapestry. Right now i feel more connected with the Christian concept of God; it is firmer ground, points of reference. I hope it is ok that even though i'm not, per se, a "Christian" that still i can and will pray for you. And not to some "Mr. Holiday" either. :eek:

I must say i was shocked at the objection of the presence of the word "Christ"... like, hellllo???? i wonder if they would have objected if it was a Divali party... say to the mention of Shiva... or would that be considered exciting and exotic? Perhaps a New Year's Party should be called a Holiday Party too.:D:p after all "year" is different for different religions/cultures... Divali is the Hindu new year best i know, and the Chinese new year is different yet again!

sigh. sense and sensibilities.

:hug:

~ waves ~

My Sister's Christmas Card
 

Dear waves,

Today my sister gave me a Christmas Card with a personal message in which she described how much I mean to her; how grateful she is for all the things that I do for her; and how essential to her wellbeing it is to have me in her life.

It was just what I needed. We have loved each other since childhood, and never actually say it because of course we do. But I really needed to hear it this year.

Fondly,

Just wanted to say your letter was liovely,she sounded,and i'm sure
was wonderful. My thought's, are with you. snotty asshole huh what a
jem she was,my kind of person..Sue

Dear Highhatsize,
I don't know what to say.
Really.
Trust that I send good vibes your way and that I am reading and listening and even rereading.

Mari.

I AM Lucky
 

Dear Friends

I will not try to mitigate the hammer blow that my girlfriend's death has caused me. However, at the same time, I want to acknowledge the luck that I have been given in having people around me who love me. I forget that in the depths of my dispair. Here is a letter that my sisters just wrote me after this tragedy. We are Irish Catholics by birth, so emotionalism wasn't smiled on when we were young. I love her and she loves me and we have since grammar school, but I doubt that we have ever given voice to it. So, here is the extraordinary letter that she gave me when my she saw that my depression was becoming overwhelming:

Soriorial.jpg

Dear Highatsize,

Now I am crying.
What a beautiful note.

I think it is ok to mitigate/find some relief for a few moments here and there. In fact, you can embrace those moments.

You do soooo much for your sister. I think it is wonderful that she wrote to you and that you can find comfort in her words.

I remember that you suffered devastating depression for many years. Your girlfriend was special indeed to help you.

I wish you healing and peace.


Mari

Wow
 

I just read your sister's letter. wow... no mincing of words, pure love poured out on paper. it brought tears to my eyes too.

the "knowledge" that one is loved, needed, or otherwise valuable, seems to have this uncanny tendency to drop out of one's psyche when one is in depression, grief, both. Being affirmed externally the way your sister did is so incredibly healing. What an incredible Christmas gift. I am so glad you are with her, and that she was able to open up and even express herself so concretely. i hope you and she will continue to grow closer ... it sounds like you both need each other.

i just deleted a paragraph about my family but the point of it was to say i can relate because in my family there also seemed to be a silent taboo on overt emotional expression. i feel awkward because i have babbled so much in my other posts. so i will shut up before i lose the courage to hit submit.

all the best to you,

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

EBirthday Card
 

:hug:

i'm sure she wanted you to always feel her love.

i know you don't feel like celebrating, so i'll just give you a birthday hug and wish you peaceful thoughts. :hug:

i don't know anyone else who's birthday is today but
 

i was sitting at the bar earlier... convinced it was ... couldn't think who... finally gave up. now i see this post. and it's YOUR birthday. which i did not know. i'm either crazy or psychic or both. geez the former probably shouldn't post. I will keep it simple.

You are not being childish.

Indeed, it is NOT fair ( i don't mean the card ).

I do feel for you getting the card - it must have been really freaky.

But I think it was an odd twist of... fate? a reminder that she is still with you and always will be, living on in your heart.

Bless this mystery, and bless you on the anniversary of your birth. I'm glad you are here.

~ waves ~

It does not matter how long we are loved,it's just we are loved. Some
people never experience that,you diid. Happy Birthday dear. Sue

Dear Highthatsize,
I hope that her words are comforting.

It's not fair.

Keep posting.

M.

Dear Highhat,
what a wonderful letter and what a surprise of a birthday card.
hoping that you are able to rest tonight knowing that you are loved.
((((hugs)))
bizi

Not Coping Well
 

Dear Friends,

I have been feeling "down" for a few days now, with only an occasional "up" cycle to normalcy. Because of the concentrated and psychically difficult job of cleaning out my girlfriend's apartment within two months, I had been taking meds intended for other-than-depression to get me through. Now that that task is finished, I am trying to wean myself off the other meds and back to my usual regimen. It has not been going well. Yesterday and today, I was feeling so bleak that I just gave up and took the other meds as usual.

I have actually been considering taking my shrink up on the suggestion to increase my anti-depressant, (Lexapro), even though this is the first anti-depressant that worked for me at normal dosages and with tolerable side effects. I well remember the sexual neutering effect of overdosage of SSRIs but my current regimen is producing the same effect anyway.

I wrote to my girlfriend's mother yesterday in response to a telephone call that she made to me, recalling all the effort that my girlfriend and I had put into planning a program to fix her medical/psychological problems. So many hours and days; so many trips to medical centers; so much internet research; - so many successes! And all culminating in her death. It is crushing.

Thanks for listening and for your supportive responses. I know well that time is the only real cure for my trouble but it is comforting to know that there are compassionate people around who understand.

I read posts here by people in my frame of mind, or worse, who have no one around to support them. That is nightmarish beyond comprehension. I do have people here who love or care for me, thank god!

Thanks,

Dear Highhatsize,

Yes, use every resource available to you during this time -- meds, extra therapy, talking to people who knew her. . .

I'm imagining that she was special indeed.

M.

Just another person thinking of you.
 

:hug: I just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you while you go through this. Hope it starts to get easier for you soon.



Suzz

Don't be hard on yourself...you have been through a huge ordeal and loss.
please be kind to yourself.
we are listening....
bizi

Dear Highhatsize,
I dearly hope that you are not dealing with guilt right now.
I would imagine that it is terribly destructive. I don't know how to talk someone out of guilt, so I won't. But maybe you can talk yourself out of it.

Your mental resources and research ability are a talent that you were able to give to your friend. All of that is good. You did that out of love and concern for her.
And you gave of yourself.

Mourn. Be sad. Hope that time is not neutral but healing.

I remember your posting about a friend in April. Is she the same person as the one in this post when you asked about meds and surgery?


That you have people around you who love / care for you is wonderful indeed. Let them help you. Ask for help.

M.

Whatever meds you need to get through, rely on them. I know the ideal is to have the least amount of meds with the most therapudic (sp) effect. But when external forces pull our chemistry out of whack, we have to adjust.

Bless you. I am thinking of you fondly. :hug:

Meds & Surgery
 

Dear Friends, (& Mari, especially),

Yes, the question I posted back in April about the interaction of psychoactive meds and surgery was in aid of my girlfriend. She took many, many meds for Bipolar Disorder, and narcotics for back pain. But since, for the first time in her life, she was feeling "normal"; not subject to irrational impulses to "do" stuff, (in her case, usually, buy things), nor suffering from bouts of profound depression and shame from her manic acts, she didn't want to take any chances of regressing by d.c.'ing her psych meds for surgery.

The program was supposed to be to ease her back pain via surgery and reduce her need for narcotic meds, and then delete the psych meds selectively until she was taking only what was needed. The latter couldn't be done, however, until the interaction of the narcotic on the psych meds was reduced or eliminated.

We found that none of the meds needed to be d.c.'d other than on the day of the operation. In fact, it was important that some be resumed a.s.a.p. after surgery, (like Neurontin, for instance), because of serious reaction to their sudden withdrawal.

The "Why" of her death is still a mystery to me. It is as if her body simply lacked the energy to recover from the surgical trauma even though her will was strong. The attending physicians proposed multiple heart attacks and strokes as causal but they diagnosed those symptomatically. I don't think that they know either.

Her lungs were in much worse shape than she let on because of a lifetime of smoking, and I think that that was one of the fundamental causes of her death. However, I never remember her being out of breath or "winded" during our relationship. She would pause when walking, frequently, to ease her back, but not, (or, at least, so she said), for reasons of fatigue.

I still think of this event as a tragedy of theatrical proportions. After Sisyphean effort, we get to the top of the mountain, only to fall off the cliff.

Fondly,

Dear Highahtsize,

Indeed, you do describe a tragedy of theatrical proportions.
It sounds like she trusted you and had hopes of getting better. You gave her those hopes and those are great gifts.

Are you eating yourself up with "why" questions?
I hope not. You and she made decisions together based on what information you had and based on what was in your hearts.

I am sorry that you are suffering.
M.