Observation- and now I have a question
 

My mom used to always tell me that my mouth was in gear while my brain was in neutral (meaning, sometimes I said things I shouldn't have said).

Back then, I'd have to disagree with her- but it seems that since I bonked my head, I've been blurting out things that I wish I could take back IMMEDIATELY. It's really disturbing me and I'm starting to feel anxiety about social situations.

I have found myself telling people personal things that I'd never share about myself normally. Even though it may not seem the case here- I'm a VERY private person in real life. Now? Not so much.

None of it is offensive, just stupid stuff.

I was at our office holiday party after work yesterday and wanted to tape my mouth shut because of the dumb things I was bringing up. It's almost like I used to get when I'd had a glass too many of wine. I used to be a very good conversationalist. Now I bring up inappropriate things (again, not sexual or offensive- just inappropriate for the setting).

Is this something else related to PCS?

(Of course, now I'm blaming everything on PCS.. ha ha)

PS- did any of you watch Tin Man on the Sci Fi channel? It was a take off or Wizard of Oz. There was a character whose nickname was Glitch. He'd do stuff like we do- blank out.. forget what he was talking about, etc.

I've decided that's my new nickname. :rolleyes:

I've also rambled on ... about many things, various topics including myself but as I'm not out & about interacting w/ others, its basically limited to my family
I also say many things I wish I hadn't. Most when I'm in much pain, very tired, when irritable or some other emotion spills over. Seems occuring more frequently. Had "episode" today where sadly my sick old father was the recipient. My apologies & explanations to him after still not alleveating sick feelings I have for spewing my frustrations & pain. He doesn't need or deserve that
I too blame TBI/PCS ... but feel I should have better control and not be spreading or dumping my stuff esp. to those who are close & care...


I did see [most] TinMan ; also felt connection to Glitch, who'd lost his brain.

Hi Risible GIRL
 

To Lori , Its good to hear from someone from Seattle a little home sick these days. I down loaded the Mountain radio Station yesterday and it's good to hear what's happening up North, as that was my home for over 33 years.*Lori I've been dealing with this non sense with TBI/PCS for over 4 years now and it has been very painful for me to deal with and accept the personality changes that are caused by this disorder.I say stupid things can be very offensive have a 0 tolerance for non since and I get very very angerary over little things and I let people know right then and there that I'm upset and believe me I'm an Irishman so people know when I'M mad.This personality change of getting upset over non since is un acceptable to me and I'm having to learn ways to manage this in appropriate behavior. One of the first thing I did when I realized I was very very ill, it was at the 6 month mark that I realized I would not be putting my work boots on and returning to work or the person I was before I was injured my not be coming back anytime soon, was to set up a master mind group to help me work through this mental in sanity.*That support group consisted of 4 men and 1 women and these were men and women I could completely trust and share what was happening inside of me. People I have know for many years and that knew me and my character before I was hurt.We talked about this in another post. People with Tbi/PCS have to pretend to be someone they are not in our society in order to be functional or to appear to be functional.I'm currently putting together another master mind group for the treatment phase of this recovery process and I will recover from these injuries simplely because I believe I will. Lori I've always had Mentors, Spiritual Adviser, Master Mind Groups, and Real Friends in my life and many of these people are still apart of my life to.All I can do on this forum is share what is happening inside me and in my opinion sharing what going on inside is part of the healing process
.I know from my own experience that I can not recover from these mental injuries alone and that I have to try to help other people recover from this disorder if I'm going to recover
.Do you remember what you had for lunch last week I don't it kind of like that when we say stupid stuff
.
Thank you for sharing Lori, Thanks for being real, sometime it just hurtsTake Care. Jeffn*

Lori
 

HI, well guess what - my mother used to say exactly the same thing about me. Usually it was just me being frank or saying what others were actually thinking.

Now it is a different story and when I realise I literally cringe! And yes it is personal stuff and I change conversations and just blert something out that has come into my mind. Ugh!!

To cope with this I tend now not to say much of anything in a social situation where people don't know the real me - and then you end up with a new issue to deal with - and that is thinking "why didn't I say something?"

Recently when out I noticed somebody looking at me strangely and immediately I thought oh no what have I said - then I realised I had become very loud without realising - how embarrassing! I mentioned this to the psychologist and she simply said "so what does it matter?" The answer to that of course is - it does not matter - unless I am still the picky perfectionist - very hard changing the way you see yourself.

Previously I could always be relied upon in a social situation, I was the Corporate wife for goodness sake and could deal with anybody and anything.

Now I no longer trust myself and around new people I am nervous - Yes it is all PCS - I studied up on that as it was another case of am I going crazy?

There is something that I have become aware of- since joining this site and going to the psychologist I have been forced to think and admit that I am very different to the old me - and it is so, so very hard.

Jeffn you are very lucky with your groups. I have hunted around and been in touch with the local Brain Injury Assn and have not found others like me. Most are very very impaired and I simply do not have the energy starting anything up anew - my 3 hours at work simply take all my good time - I am being honest here- and not feeling sorry for myself or lazy - groan there I go again justifying myself - will I ever learn?????

Lynlee

Pono
 

I meant to mention above, that I was always doing the same thing with my mother and she died in April this year - the first Christmas without her with us. Last year just before Christmas she wasn't well and I brought her to stay with me. It was terrible as I couldn't leave her alone for any length of time and she wasn't rational as she hadn't been eating - and telling stories about that - whenever I saw her and spoke to her she would tell otherwise and all would appear to be otherwise. In the end the Doctor put her put in hospital and told me in no uncertain terms that I was not capable of looking after her - so in my screwed up way of thinking I thought I had failed my mother - groan! The Doctor even wrote a note and told me to put it on my fridge stating that I couldn't look after her. She did get better, went home and managed - (what a difference food makes to our reasoning) until she fell in April this year fracturing her pelvis and died suddenly. My mother in honesty had been amazing as (another story) my father died when he was 44 and I was 13. I don't think I was a alot of joy to be around for a few years.

I admit that when my mother complained about not being able to do things I would lose my temper on my bad days and say what do you think it is like not being able to do those things when you are only 45 , 46 what ever - she was in her 80s for goodness sake - you can't expect to be able to do things in your 80s. Then I woudl say at least you can stay awake all day! I don't know if she understood that I didn't mean to be so horrid or not and I also felt guilty that I couldn't do the things that I would have liked to have done and should have been doing to help her. All I knew was that I should have been able to help her - that is the way it is meant to be.

Unfortunately we were the same personality type - that was be perfect until you die basically. You know what - I feel better for having told this. I now understand that I was tired, I did have terrible head aches - and if I can understand why you reacted your way = why can't I be nice to myself and accept that I did my best under the circumstances???? And so have you - and you are doing your best under the circumstances. Good grief I hope I make sense.

Lynlee

Lucy
 

TO Lynlee you may not have realized it, but this forum is apart of your master mind group.

Take Care Jeffn

More
 

I forgot to say - these things that come out of my mouth - it is like there is no control - it is somebody else saying these things and you can't get them back!

more...TBI/PCS issues & affects
 

RE:manifestations of the changes that occur in brain after TBI.

We all have our stories and challenges...

LORI... thanks for addressing this & evoking sharing & dialogue

Jeff... you are indeed Blessed to have so many special people & this level of support in your life.
as I look back at past decade since TBI accident, many Big changes & losses--of my abilitys, job, home, "friends" & more..
I became primary Livein Caregiver for my terminally ill parents and socially isolated w/ little support or help , for myself or family.
(I"ve posted on this in forums previously; could get long & involved and off topic . Perhaps will start a new thread to address )
TBI /PCS issues can be hard to understand, even to those experiencing, but more & better than from those w/ "normal" brains... this [forum] is where i've found the most support...

Lucy/Lynnlee... I've also looked into Brain Injury support programs. Intially I was deemed too high functioning compared to most patients/clients served who are severely impaired. I did get into a state funded Brain Injury program; much offered -- like help in home, but has not yet materialized. (this more a problem w/ home health agencys contracted to provide those services . tho help is needed in home, it's become another thing requiring energy and another source of irritation.
I learned TBI program does have a monthly support group but w/ my other med problems, & transportation issues along w/ carer responsibilities, getting there is problem but perhaps if I get the help promised, such as respite care, give me (and my father) a break and allow me to go and at least check out group.

Since this thread/topic came up on a problematic & difficult day . I've been (re)searching again...

I checked out Fight or Flight website - shared by PCS McGee--stated most of this therapy done at home??

"Self Regulation"-- may be of interest- trauma & brain changes
http://slacombe.myshrink.ca/srtlong.html

an article on emotional aspects--ANGER & Depression -- from neuropsych TBI website (additional topics addressed that may be of interest) http://www.tbiguide.com/angerdepress.html

don't know if I'm making any sense. bad migraine all day now other neuro pain flaring so Can't sleep-again; know insomnia is a big factor in how I feel & act but not yet found help for this (addressed in another post & also in article on Sleep disorders at TBIguide.com site just mentioned)

the many & various affects & changes since TBi are hard-- to accept, understand, cope & live with... there must be more better ways??

this forum has been one of the best supports for me and again I thank all for the sharing & caring, but no one can live my life . that's my biggest challenge ...how-- to have best quality of life...

Yeah, you go in to see the guy and get your therapy recalibrated once every month or so, but the rest of the therapy is done at your house (it just involves staring at a light, having to go somewhere to do it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense).

more...more...
 

Lynnlee...

while I was writing you posted reply. thanks for sharing more...You made So much sense! I really needed to get that support, validation & encouragement. Thanks so much for sharing your insights & experiences.

Perhaps should start another thread on these issues. Being a caregiver even in the best circumstances is challenge & stressful. Many healthy people get sick w/in first year of caregiving. I had just had series of major life changes/ issues & losses when I became primary caregiver for both parents in their home.
My mother died last year but this Xmas/holidays seem to be harder than first year w/out her. I know each day is difficult for my father. Wish I could do more... for him. feel badly that he's so affected by my problems. He's a sweetheart, so patient & tolerant, never complains, asks for little except love which he gives much.
I do feel ashamed & sad that I erupted w/ him. He's gone thru so much--w/ my mother, my self & his conditions-- he feels others pain & problems even more than his own. he's now wheelchair bound & dependent on others. He was always the one who took care of everyone & everything. I don't know how he did so much; wish I was more like him. perhaps I was before -- why my disabilities & dysfunction bother me so much --I feel I should be doing so much more & better... but we are still alike in many ways and that's good but it can become otherwise...esp. when we spend so much together in our rather isolated world trying to deal w/ our issues

I hope & pray for Better... for all...

thanks again for sharing...

Fight or FLight
 

thanks PCS McGee.. I think you said this is similar to Syntonics--light therapy. Even if FF therapy done at home, still need to make initial connection to get treatments started & for ongoing support. I don't know of anyone who does this; do know Dr who does syntonics ..

Wow!
 

I had some guests over last night shortly after I'd posted this, and then went to bed. What a surprise to see how many thoughtful replies to this post. I'm glad that I'm not alone.

I think my biggest problem with ALL of this (the confusion, blurting out things I wish I hadn't, balance issues, etc.) is that I started in a new department 1 month after I hit my head. None of these people knew the 'old' me. The person who was smart all the time, could pull 'acceptable' conversations out of a hat, didn't appear drunk sometimes, etc.

Sometimes the unacceptable remark I make is to blurt out what happened to me to someone what just doesn't need to know.

I have been anxious all weekend about the things I said at the holiday party on Friday. It almost makes me feel like quitting because I'm so embarrassed.

I was one of the first to leave and my hope is that they all got sauced and won't remember a thing.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It makes me feel less alone. :grouphug:

Lynlee
 

I just wanted to acknowledge the loss of your mother this year and how it will affect you during the holidays (thank goodness they're almost over, huh?)

I didn't know that you lost your mother such a short time ago, and I'm sorry.
:hug:

Jeff
 

I can see why you miss the Northwest! I've often told my husband that he'll get me to leave once he pries my cold dead body out of the house I love so much. :D

I think having a set of mentors and such is a wonderful thing. I also have a set of mentors and a really great support system. My family is wonderful to me, but I don't feel that they quite get it- so it's important to search elsewhere.

This site has been (caution- pretty dramatic statement) a miracle to me. I feel that everyone here are mentors and advisors to me. How great is that?

Pono
 

I'm glad you saw what I saw in "glitch".

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies to this topic. I had no idea that I'd spark such a wonderful round of sharing.

It's been comforting and discomforting to read that we're all dealing with this. Don't you sometimes wish you could just wear a big sign that reads, "This isn't the REAL me"?

I think I'm going to have to take a cue from Lynlee and just try to keep my yapper shut in social situations and tell people if you're looking for me, I'm that wallflower in the corner. :winky:

Old self/ new self
 

Hi all. Just a thought that I had - well one amongst many,but just thought I better tell this one before I forget it.

I think that before we can deal with the new we have to recognize and acknowledge what we had and were before - it has taken me 6 years to get to this, and then we have to face the fact and admit that you can never be what you were before.

I may have been told this at some stage and it never sunk in - hey I am slower now.

Also with the previous attempting to be better and perfect constantly - which Lori at some stage has said probably was a self esteem issue - it is harder to acknowledge what your were like before and now that I do finally know what I was like it is really sad that I never acknowledged what I was when I had it all - think there is some saying about not knowing what you had until you lose it!!

Sorry about the grammar etc - I can't get it to sound how I mean it - maybe somebody can unravell it for me.

Lynlee

Lynlee
 

I think you've captured the thoughts perfectly. I understand every bit of it.

:)

Lori
 

You and I wall flowers ----- I don't think so!!!

In a way the people who didn't get to know the old you is a good thing - they won't have any expectations. I have been in my current job for 10 years. There are only 6 of us here and 3 of them know the old me. Ideally I would like to leave as I would prefer to work somehwere where they don't know I have a head injury - but who would want to employ me for 3 hours a day with a snooze in the middle. My boss says he is grateful for what time I can spend here - which is nice to hear

Your new work mates may just think that you are eccentric. It is back to what I have said in the past they can like it or leave it - if they look at you like you are peculiar just put your nose in the air and if they don't like you it is their loss and you don't need to give a dam!! I tell myself this on a regular basis now and I think it is actually starting to sink in!!!! I have absolutely no doubt you are still better than the others and neither should you! Just avoid communicating if you are too tired.

By the way, my first career pre children was in a Bank - though we used "Data Bank" over here computers were not yet in the actual Bank branches.

PONO - you are amazing!!!!! I shall comment further later.


Lynlee

To me at least, that is an admission of death.

Memory loss, needing to sleep more, lack of strength, these things are acceptable, though unfortunate. They may change what you do, but they do not change who you are.

Extreme irritability, chronic pain, inability to socialize with others, detachment from the living world, these are things that are unacceptable to me. These are things that would rob me of every dream I ever had in this life, these are things that would remove every ounce of wonder from living. Excitement, gone. Happiness, gone. Purpose, gone. I am absolutely unwilling to go to sleep every night knowing exactly what's going to happen the next day (sans the degree of confusion and pain I'll be in when I wake up in the morning).

If you want to accept that this is the way you are and the way you'll always be, you're more than welcome to do so, but I refuse to make that concession. Were I to heal, I would be more than happy to accept that this has HAPPENED to me, and that I lost 5 years of my life because of it, but I will NEVER accept that this is still happening to me, and that I have lost the rest of the years of my life because of it.

I guess this is where that "to thine own self be true" line applies once more. If you dig down to your heart, and it says "learn to accept, we can still live this way", then follow it in that direction. My heart though... it couldn't be further removed from that train of thought.

PCSMcGee, you sound like you got your fighting spirit back - good for you. I hope you will continue to get better and get your life back. You still have a long life ahead of you and you certainly shouldn't settle for anything less than what you can be and I'm optimistic that you will get there. I am also not willing to give up yet and hope to get over this PCS and get back to my cycling group by spring. This has taken the fun out of my life and I intend to get that back. My motto: if it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger!

Lori, thanks so much for starting this thread and sharing your experience. I had to send my husband off by himself to his company Christmas party yesterday, because I wasn't feeling good. I think it's my latest medication. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I lived in Olympia, WA, for four years back in the 80's. My husband was stationed at Ft. Lewis at the time and my son was born there - love Washington and miss the view of Mt. Rainier. Have you noticed any improvement in your PCS at all?

Sissy
 

Thanks for asking- actually, yes the last week or so have been actually pretty darned good. The myoclonic jerking has subsided quite a bit, as has the tremors and balance issues.

My typing is back to almost where it used to be before this last setback, but I'm still having problems with verbalizing things.

I'd REALLY like to hope that this is a permanent improvement, but I've been in this place twice since hitting my head and then I've reverted back. I'd rather be cautiously optimistic. :)

If I could only figure out just what makes me go backward, I think I'd have this thing licked- or at least better controlled.

I'm paying close attention and writing everything down so I can pinpoint what triggers regression.

Me too
 

I also have problems with forming words, and with choosing the correct words to say something, or with saying things that I don't want to say or don't mean to say. I don't even think them, but they come out. And sometimes my brain will just grind to a halt, and I'll sit there stuttering. It's just a lack of control of when you talk and what about. You'll just say something that doesn't fit into the coversation. It causes so many social problems, and problems with customers and coworkers, at work. At least we're not alone. There's got to be a way to beat this stuff. Again prayers and best wishes. I believe that there is One Doctor who can fix any one of us, to the point of perfect health, in this area, if He so chooses. But it would be nice to get some help from the doctors down here, as well. Would love to hear any success stories!

Pressurehead
 

Yup, I think we all have that problem too. I would rather have the blank head and not say anything than say some of the things I blurt out! :)

Welcome to the group!

Risiblegirl
 

To Lori Thank you for starting this post. The information posted here on how to manage saying stupid stuff is going to be very helpful to others who suffer from TBI/PCS.

I'M an Irishman so telling people exactly what I think is just apart of my DNA, but sometimes it's way smarter for me to keep my mouth shut and let it go.

Another tool I use in managing this TBI/PCS is to do absolutely nothing and play the role of being aloof.

unfortunately I've had to deal with some very mean spirited people during this recovery/healing process. I'm quick learner when someone is trying to walk me around the block.

My thinking processes my be slow 3-5 minutes at times, but my long term memory is still working and was not affected by the TBI.

Another tool I use is I go to a safe place to talk about what's really going on inside of me.

This has been very helpful for me and has been a very important part of the healing process.

Looks like your making some progress Lori you're a quick learner.

Take Care Jeffn

Jeff
 

Well, I'm half Scot 1/4 Irish and 1/4 Italian. I'm sure that's a lethal combo! ;)

"My thinking processes my be slow 3-5 minutes at times, but my long term memory is still working and was not affected by the TBI."

Yup- I'm right there with you, and this is exactly why I appreciate that most of my job revolves around writing. It may take a while, but eventually I can pull that stuff stored behind the cobwebs.

I have one mean spirited person at work (I guess I should count myself lucky!) and I've learned that ignoring him is my best line of defense. Mostly because I'm not good at the quick and snappy retorts like I used to be. (ha ha)

My sister is my safe place. We have a very special bond and I'm fortunate in that she also works downtown Seattle so if it gets really bad, I can call her and we can go for a walk.

Nobody knows me like my sister, and I feel very safe with her because of that.

unacceptable
 

I completely agree with PCS McGee. To accept the fact that we will never be what we were is a surrender. Most of us have many dreams to fulfill, and surrendering to this stuff means that they won't happen. As I said in another post, we all probably have something to learn from dealing with this, but its permanancy is unacceptable. We've all got too much to do. As a man(or woman) thinketh, so is he.

Sorry I disagree that accepting we have to learn to live with this is something
that will make us something less than whole.

I've learned to live with the things I'm dealing with. And I'm learning to make the most of PCS and the other things that I'm getting diagnosed with.

I am probably a acception though, because I have to deal with these for
life. I am not just a PCS survivor but I have learned my abnormalities of
the brain have been there for my whole life and learning to live with
them are helping me to be whole for the first time.

Its a awesome feeling truely.

Donna

PCS McGee and Sissy
 

I wasn't saying give up and accept - but there is a "now" - if you don't accept the now you are missing out on a lot of life.

I have learnt that the constant fighting against it makes you worse. It is like trying to run a marathon on a broken leg.- you have to make allowances for yourself and be kind to yourself.

Of course I have not given up.

I also know that I can never be the same person even if I recover all my missing "brain functions/cells whatever" as I have learnt so much from this already! I will never take myself and my abilities for granted again, I will be able to accept help gracefully - I now realise that people like to be able to help - people actually enjoy helping - I never let anybody help me before because "I could do everything and I knew everything" I was always the person that helped. I will also be less sarcastic than I was and will never be as critical - does it really matter if it takes a little longer to think of something?? I don't beat myself up if sometimes I can't think as quickly as I could in the past. I have seen signs that I am slowly getting quicker and it has been since I stopped beating myself up trying so hard.

Quite frankly PCS McGee - give yourself a break. I have been where you are maybe in not such much physical pain, but when my husband left and my best friend died of cancer, and my brother got cancer you can probably imagine that I was not in a good place. Personally I can now see that I have done amazingly well - it has been slow and for a person like me has always been impatient with myself and other I have surprised myself. I have somehow managed to keep my sense of humour - when I lose things, do strange things etc I have to laugh - it is funny finding things that you don't expect to find in the freezer or fridge - back tracking through the house to find where you put something down before picking something because you are so easily distracted.

I know I still have my talents - sometimes they hide from me - but they are there.

I know PCS McGee when you recover you will be a different person, how could you not be after going through all of this and for so long??

Lynlee

Hi Lucy
 

To Lynlee, How was your road trip I hope well. Did you get some wind in your hair, sounds like it.

Right on Lynlee it look like your learning.

Making progess

Take Care Jeffn

jeffn
 

Well guess what - my grandfather came from Ireland too - Coy Kildare, his wife came from Scotland, my other great grandparents came from England and Wales. The Welsh are known here for being pigheaded and stubborn - and short I am 5'2". The Irish are known for being cute, funny and feisty.

The trip was great, except on the Friday night I stayed at my son's house and hit my head again - leaned over from my bed to open the curtains to see what kind of day it was, lay back down and wham on the head board. I have a nasty head ache but I am thinking it is from being tired - my memory hasn't become worse or anything so I think I have survived this one wow!!!!!

Wedding was in a beautiul place, in a native bush reserve by a lake - just amazing - was surrounded by people from your part of the world - well over your border -Canadians.

Sissy - I didn't go to my work Christmas party 2 weeks ago as I knew it would be noisey and I weighed it up -decided what was better for me - keeping up appearances or being nice to myself - and guess what - I didn't go and it was the first one I have missed in my life!!! And it didn't matter that I didn't go, I was told it was boring without me which was nice. There will be other parties to go to later.

Lori - the mean spirited person at work - you're right just ignore him - he is obvioulsy a waste of space and has his own problems!


Lynlee

Wow totally hit the nail on the head for me.
 

I couldn't have written that better myself. You've captured everything that I'm feeling.

totally agree
 

Very good job of finding all good quotes.

Donna

Risiblegirl
 

Hi Lori Thank you for taking the time to post the Quotes.There is a great deal of positive energy here and I love it when people speak the truth.

Acceptance is one of the keys in the healing process, might make a good thread.

I would also like to thank Doc John and all the staff that keep this forum up and running.

Thank you Jeffn:)

Pono
 

Good Morning Pono: I wanted to say thank you for your post and and links you put up. This information was very useful for me in writing up my assessment plan.

I to fly off the handle and lose my temper in a heart beat and it's usually over little things, like not being able to put a screw in the wall to hang a pitcher and it greaves me deeply when I hurt someone I love and care about.

I don't intentially go out of my way to harm people with my foul langauge, bad temper and being irritable that's not me, it's one of the personality changes caused by the TBI/PCS disorder.

Learning to manage these out burst of anger in a positive constructive way.
Taking a 15 minute time out is helping, keeping the stress out of my life is helpful, side stepping an issue is helpful until I can deal with it, being conscious of the fact that this is a behavior issue is helpful and letting people I know that this is part of the TBI dis order is helpful. Acceptance in this matter is a two way street.

Another tool I use to manage the TBI/PCS is to get out of the house every day and try to inter react with people and keep my brain engaging in communicating with other people.

Sometime I freeze up, no words or thoughts will come out, sometime my brain just flat lines and sometime I repeat myself 3-4 times or my words or slurred or I lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence. No fun, so when this happens I back up and correct myself. I simplely have to re train my brain to communicate.

I have a mental dis order right now so I have to learn or re learn how to think and communicate.

Pono you have a lot tougher road to hoe then I do, Thank you for taking the time to share. It's been very helpful to me.

Take Care Jeffn

PS and yes I say stupid stuff sometimes O well

Lynlee, I do agree with you that we have to accept our current circumstances and try to make the best of every day. I don't think I have accepted the possibility yet that the PCS symtoms might not go away soon. I was the victim of a crime (hit & run accident) and I don't like that word "victim". If I don't get better and get back to the things I really like to do, then I will remain a victim and that is not acceptable for me. To have my life ruined by some careless drugdealer could turn me in to a bitter old person and that's not really me. All my friends, including my sister and brother-in-law, are cyclists, so if I don't get back to that group, I will lose a big part of my life.

I am really sorry about all your loses, especially your mother, and I hope you have recovered from your latest head incidence. I lost one of my best friends to cancer on Jan. 1 of this year and I still miss him very much.

Sissy
 

I just had an idea - what would you be like at present on a tandem bike - your balance wouldn't have to be perfect and you could enjoy the outing. I don't think that I am a victim. I have always had the idea in my head that what you do and what happens in the first 6 months seems to play a big part in your recovery. i.e. if you are diagnosed asap and rest. I spent my first 6 months fighting for somebody to believe me and trying to carry on working full time etc - I think this has somehow damaged my sub concious. As this for me seems to be such a long process (6+ years) I have had to make the most of the "now" in order to have some enjoyment out of life. Some days I do wake up feeling normal - and it is just bliss - once I have actually clicked what is different. I have to learn to hang onto that feeling now!

Lynlee