OK. Zyprexa.
 

i am becoming non-compliant with my own med schedule. Only the daytime Neurontin really, because if i have so much as a weak beer it whips my buttttt. Buttt, i know b***dy well that i should take the Neurontin and skip the beer.

Well WHAT EVVVVVERRRR.

This morning it was mild racing thoughts after the nighttime N could no longer be felt, irritation but with melcancholic mood.

now my partents interuppedted me liek i don't know how many times while i was pm'ing an old friend remember RavensWing???? and i just could not get up and down the dang screen and gd it i just started biting their heads of both psychomotor agitation, spewing anger still.

i just took 10mg Zyprexa and told the parents i might not have dinner. (that's if the Z knocks me out but i didn't tell them i took it or they will get all frlippy outty about my having gonne off depakote which i have my own gd reasons for which i do not care to share and that s that.) but by looks of it the Z won't knock me out. i took a lorazepam for immediacy ha ha ha haha like "can't touch this" ha ha ha ha. groan. will take a stupid Neurontin too, sposed to take 300/300 during daytime tho less is fine right now since the depakote is long gone and also the Zoloft is much lowerrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Why do they have to be so loud.

why can't they turn of the fking ketttle before it screams simultaneously in eighteen different pitches only audible to me and dogs.

they gave me wonderfull christmas presents.

why do i have to be such a fkface.

why do i have to exist.

why are my feet wiggling nonstop.

why cant she stop whistling and tra la la ing

why can't i enjoy it, while it is still there to be enjoyed.

now the dang computer with the bad noisy power supply fan which i kept saying i'd replace but i think we need a new ps and they fight me every mention...

why fight fight fight fight
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghghg

why can't they TELL that when i am LOOKING at my gd SCREEN and TYPING that it means that

YESS I AM FKING BUSY

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFCCCKKK. :mad:

oh and the three (as opposed to one or my max of 2) beers i could feel them but didn't seem to do squat much at first hard to walk a straight line byut seemed to evaporate within half an hour my body musta hyperbolized it insteada metabolized it.... not long after i got home and first albeit innocent but intrusive interruption got me going and went down hill from there.

read the long F line again and read through the lines. and the letters. yeah. whatEVERRRR.

~ waves ~ wringing her brain ringing with angrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr agitation oh no now one has drawn furniture creations all day and now shows it to the other oen and now fight.

I am breathing fire. :mad: there they go... fight. its to f'ing cold to go outside dddrdmmm i want a cigarette not really but o helll i'm stuck here i freakin gonna take freakin drawerful of freakin knockers outters

gonna have to see pdoc to get another stupid auth for Z - it's "special" so you need an auth but i have enough for now. hope just for today i was losing weight sht.

volume risingggggggggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i will screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam soon.

~ waves ~ writhing

:hug:

i wish i knew what to say, but i wanted you to know you are heard and that i care.

Hi Curious
 

Thank you for posting back to me, for hearing and for caring. Your post was very comforting.

i guess the Zyprexa is working as i am calmer, physically. mentally better, but still irritable.

i have noticed since yesterday i think, that you are sick and been wanting to say something but not crash someone elses thread. I hope it is not serious, and that you feel better soon.

thanks again, Curious. :hug:

~ waves ~ trying to whip up some resoluteness about tomorrow's chemical cocktail.

awww...heck...we are all thread crashers around here. :wink: i'm sure known for not staying on topic either.

ty waves. :hug:i got yucky fifths disease from my grandson. naturally it hit me hard.

i'm glad the z is kicking in. getting any quieter at home?

Dear Waves,
Be careful.
I hope that you are ok. 'Glad that the stuff kicked in on your second post.
Call the pdoc as soon as you need to -- or maybe before you need to.

Keep taking careful care of yourself.

Mari

Dear Waves,
am just concerned about you....
hoping that you are able to sleep with the zyprexa.
you sound really agitated and hypo.....how long before the zyprexa kicks in to help you?
I know that you are tapering off things and this is really hard to do on your own.
when do you see your pdoc next?
bizi

Hi Curious
 

today was a bit... some days better some worse. my mother has always had a loud voice and sometimes talks constantly. plus my dad is hard of hearing which he denies at all costs. compounding the problem, they have a habit of communicating across rooms, hence a really high volume, which my mom has no problem providing of course. she has a lot of anger in her which emerges constantly, especially if she feels accused of something, which is frequent. my dad has ants in his pants about stuff lately and when he goes off on his projects its a battlefield here as my mom is never in agreement he gets angry too and there you have it.

that is my "voluminous" life at home. it is bothersome at best, but when i am depressed or manic or have a migraine it drives me nuts. i have managed to get across about phono/photosensitivity with migraine, and they do try to cooperate with that. a migraine i guess seems more obvious since i wear shades inside, stay off the pc, don't watch tv, gobble ibuprofen, and if its bad i am in bed with ice and a black sock over my eyes. but consider i don't have my own room i sleep in the living room - that does NOT help.

depression they don't notice and hypo/manic i get combative with their noise which only makes things worse, but i can't "center" myself, and sometimes cannot leave the house. in any event i have to pick my battles - they are who they are and are in their 70's so...

that's probably way more than you wanted to know. :o

~ waves ~

i like my peace and quiet. relish the time i get to spend with no tv on. no one talking.

this place can get crazy too. hubby is used to being at the club for 12-16 hours. noisy with all the people and treadmills. lil'monkey is there after school. so when they get home, they talk LOUD. have so much to tell me all at once. grandmonkey is happy to see them and tell them about his day. at the same time. they turn tv on and surround sound. :eek: and keep talking!

we need a nice peaceful beach. wanna join me waves? :hug:

OMG! I don't think i could bear that!

Ohhhhhh YEAAAAHHHHH! besides, you can't have a proper beach without any ~ waves ~ :D:D:D

ok, but tell me, Curious, what is yucky fifths disease??? :confused:

~ waves ~ ready to ebb and flow on the sands of a remote (no no no remote :eek: tv :eek: surround sound :eek: ) make that a distant coastline.

http://children.webmd.com/tc/fifth-d...topic-overview

that will tell you about fifth's. it's a form of measles.

yeah...my brain gets wacked out. i have some hearing loss in one ear from a burst eardrum. confuses the heck out of me with all the noise. i go hide in the kitchen and cook. :D

got my umbrella ready....bucket of ice for refreshments....let's go!

Mari and Bizi
 

About my tapering... hypo... Zyprexa... pdoc

no, i don't have a pdoc appt. i will call on the 2nd when he gets back, maybe. no, heck, i have to for a new Zyprexa auth, and while i'm at it a gabapentin script/schema for 400's. i tried to call the last day he said he was working before Christmas vacation, just to wish him a good holiday, and he didn't call back. I didn't bother to send an sms. I wanted to see what he sounded like towards me as well.

i did take my evening Neurontin last night on top of the Z and was out cold for 14 hours. fell asleep with everything on, lights tv pc.

i don't have a lot of Zyprexa thought i had a full box, but i have enough. last night i took 10. today i was good. i have decided to take 5mg for 3 more nights - already put it in my pillminder.

~~~~~~~~~

yes last night i felt like i was like holding a demon inside and the leash was starting to tear. but today i am ok.

i do not believe this is so much to do with being off the Depakote. I think it is withdrawal due to abrupt discontinuation of a "natural remedy" which was unavoidable. yesterday was my first day. i have done this before. wdrawal sx are activation, nausea, general sense of malaise, and constipation. the worst of it should be over in a few days and with the Z as well as the Neurontin i probably won't even notice.

... meantime i realize i am running out of Neurontin. looks like i might not be able to find a pharmacy open till the 3rd. But i also want 400's instead of 300's (scripted) - i don't know if the pharmacy will do that, i prob need a diff script. (If you add up all the med qty, there is a little LESS in the 400 box, but enough for me to take 1200mg a day for 10 days, for just over HALF the cost (gabapentin is out of pocket) of the box of 300's.)

Everybody everything closed docs away ... pharmacies shut... no car...........

wrt to the Depakote cessation it is safe now for me to taper the Neurontin. I had been taking 1500-1800 at first but got haphazard after a while and am pretty well at 900-1200 now.

I was using N for pain and sleep; for the rest it was for safety in terms of seizure coverage, but as i do not have epilepsy, it is only a question of not making changes that cause a sudden drop in sz threshold. So i should be fine, what between taking less Zoloft, and tonight less Zyprexa. The Zyprexa will help me sleep also.

ALL my meds are specified in a "schema" which, once given to my GP, he can write the state-scripts, or even the out of pockets, so i don't strictly need my pdoc. heck. except for the zyprexa auth. i am sure it is expired. and i DO want to have a box of Zyprexa in the drawer.

i know it sounds complicated, but everything considered, i think i'm ok. yes i have to be careful right now... but overall i don't feel any worse than before i - had REALLY bad days - before all this tapering/fiddling. i was starting to get messy then as it was and my pdoc wasn't batting an eye.

Curious
 

Oh Dear Curious,

that fifths disease sounds NAAAAASTY! :eek: sounds like if it hits adults it's much worse, just like measles. I'm so sorry! I hope it doesn't last for months like that link says it can!

hope you feel better ASAP!

:Heart: ~ waves ~ :Heart:

Dear Waves,
I believe you when you say that you are ok. But I still worry a little.

Yes, let us know when you get more Zyprexa.
And I understand about lowering the Neurontin.

The 14 hours of sleep seemed to help you a bit.
I hope that the pain issues you refer to are manageable and abating.

Take good care.
M.

Waves ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How are you doing today? Thinking of you!:p

Nikko:hug:

thanks for checking in on me Nikko
 

for once i'll be brief as the beastie is worsening steeply now.
migraine since yesterday, medicated.
outing for movie (so-so) and chinese (good)
home for New Year countdown with traditional sweetbread and hot chocolate (good)
migraine. about to medicate it.

mood? aww heck. ok i guess.
less activation and anxiety today.
still on track with 5mg Zyprexa for tonight, tomorrow and day after.

all in all can't complain. ;)

~ waves ~ ztarting to fall azzzleep.

Dear Waves,
How is today?
What is the med plan for today?

I'm still here and trying to help in my faraway slightly daft way.

Mari

Dear waves,
I am here too, jsut trying to catch up am at a hotel for the night will be home tomorrow.
Glad to hear you are ok....just a little worried ....
we are friends..I can worry a bit?
bizi

Checking in... all is well
 

I am doing ok. have had quite some activation going on, but nothing to worry over now. I have been using the Zyprexa. Bizi, yes, i do worry about my friends too, so yes, you may worry a bit... but only a bit - i am doing pretty well. Mari - you are sooooo far from daft you wouldn't know it if hit you upside the head!

MY LONG, GRUELING UPDATE (get coffee first!) -
I have just completed my 7th day of Zoloft at 100mg. This morning (Thursday) i will go to 75, and will stay at that dosage until i see the Neuro on the 22, then see what he says about all my meds. I am hoping 75mg Zoloft is low enough he can safely rx me a triptan for my migraines and he will understand all of my psych meds too, obviously.

pdoc - the clinic where he works has a first availability on 23 (day after Neuro)! i got my state-referral yesterday eve, and will book today. i doubt i will see my pdoc before then, tho i may call. i am mad at him even though i know i am probably projecting. we were working on anger, and much of the negativity of the activation i feel comes from the fact that the cork is coming out of the anger bottle, which is more a pyschological factor, but also a growth factor. it's like freefloating anger and attaches itself to any handy target. I will have to remember to call him just before the clinic visit though, to ask him to bring the paperwork for a new Zyprexa auth as he keeps those only at the main clinic - not where i go.

This week, with tapering the Zoloft to 100 (reduces activation), i also suspended a natural remedy, which typically gives withdrawal activation, so reducing these simultaneously helps cancel out the effects. i have also laid off the caffeine some. still got a bit hyper at times, not all has been pleasant but i believe much is circumstantial triggers. yesterday i had more energy and initiative, but not in overabundance. for instance, i spontaneously washed the dishes after lunch whereas normally i'd be cooped up by myself on the couch feeling guilty and yet "stuck". i also went out with my parents to investigate cellphones (christmas present).

i have not slept all night, but i did sleep a couple hours early evening, and now i am phasing out which, ironically, is good/sane. i will probably nap a bit this morning. i think it's because i have been glued to this laptop and being low on Neurontin. New Years is a mess as far as docs and pharmacies so i ran low, and the small dose of Zyprexa does not knock me out.

i've taken Zyprexa 5mg for 5 days so far, except the first day when i took 10. I have calmed despite being lower on the Neurontin, and my thoughts racing are clearing up well - that tends to be refractory to other meds, too! i will see how today goes and decide whether or not to continue the Zyprexa. Yesterday went well (except for exaggerating on the beer as a desperate anaesthetic for the nerve pain that started up again - i strained too much today, and less Neurontin in system). The day before i was a sulking hissy fit if you can handle an oxymoron.

i have finally been keeping log which i use as a planning chart too, invaluable for tapering and titrating - facilitates decisions on what to add/remove first while tracking clinical changes and safety. (My preparatory annotation is different - when i take the med i change it, so no confusion there). Also since i include life events of note incl menses and important experiences; plus caffeine, OTCs et al, and i have the basics graphed (sleep / racing thoughts / caffeine; black mania / white mania / and depression. The graphs get filled automatically i just log the value on the sheet.

i had several days of migraine this week which does not improve mood, so ... oh well. gone now, yay! :D

gosh its already 7.45am. sunrise at 8... best get a move on! i must open the blinds for the plants. we have so little light, they need all they can get and the best is in the morning. i will find my black sock for my eyes (the heel makes a nice nosepiece too).

i don't want to say thank you for worrying - but thank you for caring and yes i know how that makes one worry. i have typed a lot, perhaps way too much, but i hope you can tell from what i have said that things are under control and that you will worry less. Also, pdoc is back this week so i CAN, if willing ;):rolleyes:, call at any time.

thanks for keeping track of me guys. :) it helps to report in as it mirrors my actions for me, as well as allowing you informed feedback, both of which are valuable for success in my lone venture here.

http://bestsmileys.com/hugging/3.gif

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

Dear waves,
thanks for the update.
I am very glad that you have been using your tool to help keep you focused and organized.
that is sgreat!
keep up the great work and hope that you are feeling good today.
bizi:hug:

It's got side effects quite a few be careful if you are a Diabectic
or have ackes and pains,please talk to Dr.,be careful your sweet.
Hugs Sue

Sue - on Zyprexa.
 

Dear Sue,

Thank you for the caution on the Zyprexa, indeed it is a scary drug, but so effective. i now only take it prn for breakthrough manic or dysphoric sx. A few days often suffice, but early last year, with the exact same meds i am now tinker-tapering, my pdoc had me take it for several weeks... see how well those meds "work?" :rolleyes:

Fortunately, there is no diabetes history in my family.

A couple years ago, Zyprexa was my only anti-manic, and in 6 months i gained 40 lbs. my BMI was initially low which favours weight gain. That time i got caught up in the hunger galore and ate like a hog. usually my hunger is an excellent pilot for me, and Zyprexa screwed that up. Anyway the weight gain was the reason for the switch to Depakote, with Zyprexa as a backup prn.

(Aside: Though i didn't gain more weight on Depakote i wonder if it slows my weight loss/restabilization rate - despite my dieting sensibly for about 4 months after the Zyprexa, the weight trickled off much more slowly than expected.:()

I did have the incredible fortune of having a Diabetologist as my former GP:D! I asked about the weight gain/hunger mechanism of Zyprexa. She explained that Zyprexa sensitizes insulin receptors causing an excessive "cry for sugar." She said there was no way to counteract this pharmacologically, but told me to avoid ready-sugars/simple carbs - any foods with high glycemic index (GI) - the consumption of which would create a vicious cycle.

Fortunately i don't normally eat lots of sweets or bread, but with the holidays i am eating chocolate (zykes!) and traditional Christmas bread. I do strictly avoid eating anything when not hungry, since, ready-sugar or not, calories still count! Our traditional bread contains egg and more butter - much lower GI than plain bread. I still am moderate with it and when i judge that i have had enough food of any sort, i ignore residual hunger. i did not take these precautions with my first and longer treatment with Z. Also, my BMI is now much higher, so perhaps weight gain and sugar level impact will be minimized.

Also of concern is alcohol - a mega-galactic sugar shot into the bloodstream. unfortunately, my recent abuse is self-medication, and precedes the taper. i am doing my best to hold back, but when badly triggered impulses exceed my willpower. today i had my first vodka in years but i did recognize my folly, and immediately drank lots and lots of water upon arriving home so it would be absorbed more slowly and not be such a whopper injection on my sugar levels.

Sue, I do soooo want to thank you for raising the red flag with Zyprexa here. So many people aren't aware of its many aspects and it is truly a messy med.

I will add that, while EPS and TD are supposedly very unlikely, TD emerges after cessation in particular after long-term or cumulative use... there is little mention of the clear fact that there is little long-term data on the newer APs compared to the older "bad" ones.

All in all, I now take Zyprexa as seldom and for the shortest periods possible, only when I and/or doc deems it necessary.

:hug:

~ waves ~ wondering if it has snowed more...

Update... Friday Morning (GMT+1)
 

UPDATE:

i got the referral and made pdoc appt at the clinic on the 23, day after the Neuro on the 22nd which is handy.

i called my pdoc this afternoon but his phone was off, twice. it was kinda late but he usu takes late appts but sometimes has a conference so who knows. i sent an sms asking to call him when he is free. i will make a private appt with him ASAP (hopefully next week). i will not wait till the 22nd to get more Zyprexa, whether i end up needing it or not. i've not decided if i'll tell him of the taper. however i usually cannot bring myself to lie in therapeutic context. i have always told him every detail about any extracurricular "medication," down to all alcohol types, qty's and proof, and any other meds down to the milligram. so, despite my 'druthters, i will probably spill everything.

today again very active/restless task-hoppy and bitchy at the drop of a hat. 2 regular (carlsberg, 5%) beers and... ummm... one vodka.

two beers is ok, not great, but when my mom came home and was unpacking the noise of the plastic bag crinkles crackles made me cringe and she was merrily "venting her day" so i went out and since i am broke, i used the economic alcohol channel: instead of a third beer i had a straight vodka and a not very straight walk home. i luckily had sufficient wits to immediately drink tons of water to avoid they hyper-sugar impact, and i played guitar and sang for a while... till interrupted for dinner...

Wednesday night i did not sleep besides a staple post-dinner nap, nor Thursday daytime. Looks like today is going that way too, given it's already 7am and i'm wide awake. my eyes hurt a little, but my ex-and-excellent pdoc told me that can easily occur because the eyes have a separate melatonin cycle, so you can have energy and yet tired eyes. I wonder if i will sleep today.

If i don't hear from my pdoc by 2pm (1-2 is usually lunch for most ppl here) I will try to call again, or at least send a msg saying i need the Zyprexa auth ASAP.

~ waves ~ who hasn't logged today's - no - now it's yesterday's meds yet.... best do that now... in fact i'll take today's morning ones now. at least the sleep log will be simple ha ha ha ha - not much to remember! gosh when days run together like this and posting with the time difference its crazy.

yes zyprexa can cause diabetes in some people...I think there have been many law suits and settlements in regards to this.
I am glad that you are so intune with your diet.
Sleep is so needed to help regulate our moods...I know that I am a mess when I don't get at least 8 hours sleep.
Is it still snowing there?
we have been in the 20's for days now...bitter cold and I know that some folks have single digit numbers...so I am thankful it is not colder...supposed to be warming up by the weekend. Wonder if my pansies have survived the cold...we jsut got back so I have not checked on them yet.
thinking of you waves....
bizi waving across the ocean....

i believe i read some time back...
 

that in Australia there was a class action suit against Eli Lilly for non-disclosure of information that emerged in their own testing, showing a much closer relationship with the development of diabetes than was warned of.

just checked the thermometer on terrace... 1C... 34F about - snowpoint. infact, it has just started snowing again... we alrady have a couple iches down :D :D :D (i'm inside with central heating of course!)

~ waves ~ back to bizi across the ocean

I am off to bed....16 hour drive is taking its toll on me...
(((((((hugs))))))
bizi:Red eyes:

nitey nite!
 

OOOOOH mannn

Welcome back and sleep snug and warm and tight!!!

:Heart:

~ waves ~

Waves,
You are doing great.
I admire your ability to self-monitor and then self-administrate.

Good news that you have the new pdoc appointment lined up.
I hope that the old/current pdoc gives you a call so that you can get your Zyprexa.

Sleep! Can you? I hope you get more sleep soon.

Keep logging and keep posting.

Mari

thank you Mari
 

there is no old and new pdoc. same pdoc. also, pdoc does therapy. only one person.

i have been seeing my pdoc in his private office for therapy and meds both, on deferred payment. he said i should keep track of the "billing." lol go tell a bipolar that, HAH. anyway, the agreement was - he proposed it - that i didn't have to pay him "now" (that being four years back), i could pay him when i got "settled" with a steady job little did he know four years later here i still am and broke.

he also works in in a state-certified clinic, where i first saw him, and used to go there when i lived in that town. being state-certified, and my having an exemption for psych visits, i can see him there free but since i moved back in with my parents, i've only seen him privately because the clinic is far.

but i made an appointment at the clinic because then he gets paid and i don't feel guilty....

ok so, see, one pdoc, two types of service: one free, the other racking-up guilt-ridden debt on my part. also after 4 years i bet, even subconsciously, he does not have a good feeling about not getting paid. my guilt has definitely interfered with therapy, and my fear that he will drop me, or that he wishes he to drop me. also when i sense those things, there may actually be some truth to it on his part... at this point.

i don't think i will look into another pdoc till after i come back from my US visit later this year. That is if i manage to get there in the first place... no counting unhatched chickens... :Sigh: it's a work in progress. Right now my passport is in for renewal.

thanks for all the validation and support you are giving me in this thread. :)
:hug:

~ waves ~ wondering whether to have more coffee or try to pass out. oh, dad is up and it's - :eek: - 10 am! that means he will immediately want to know what to make for lunch and who will eat etc etc etc food food food. :Sigh: your family and mine sound somewhat familiar in that.

Dear Waves,
I half remember your mentioning a local pdoc who could get you into the office within 2 days. I thought that she was a new pdoc.
Got that wrong. :confused: But OK.

Money makes these things so tricky.

I do remember that your pdoc had dual roles as prescriber and as therapist. I forgot your system of seeing him sometimes with private and sometimes as public money -- can't keep track of how medical systems work in other countries. .. . . way too confusing.

You have nice parents. My parents paid my rent for years so that I would not move in with them.
Other siblings, not a problem, they all moved back at various points.

I'm obsessing about the Caucus results in Iowa and can't wind down or get myself away from the tv right now. I started this anxiety about politics after the 2000 debacle in Florida. I need to let this worry go. I'm not sure that I know how. It's not like I can focus the worry productively by getting involved. That won't do because of low energy.

Actually, whom am I kidding. This goes back before 2000. I remember my old pdoc (CBT guy) telling me that he cleared politics out of his head and only paid attention enough to know whom to vote for every 4 years, never voting in the off years or local elections apparently. I was horrified, esp. if he thought that that was useful info for me.
Whining.

Have a good day Waves. Do something special for yourself.

Mari