IMPORTANT: Please read, need suggestions
 

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Hi friends,
I can't sleep, and I need your support and input. First of all, it has been a day. I fell down the stairs at my apartment building, 5 of them, and I am very sore and I have a black eye. So, that makes me not feel good as it is. However, I also went to the nurse practioner today for my head and dizziness. She found I have a fever of about 100. She can't figure out what is making me have fevers, because I am feeling fine other than migraines and dizziness. She did bloodwork, and will let me know about that. In the meantime, I continue to feel like crap. Both emotionally and physically.

Here's the emotional part: I feel like overdosing really bad today, but I feel I have to convey this image to ACT because the doctor was rather rude to me and told me I was looking for an out of school. The truth is, I am looking for an out period. I just don't want to deal with stuff anymore. The only thing I am concerned about is that they don't know the severity of this depression. I was smiling and laughing today with Laura (for the most part) because I feel like I don't have a choice but to do that because she won't "accept" any poor me type stuff. They know I have done so well, and they don't want me to decomp. But that doesn't change the fact that I am.........life is just too much right now. I need to know suggestions on how to tell them how bad I am feeling, because by the way I am going, I am not getting my point accross and they think I am just a little down, but its much more than that. I have tried everything to get out of this...visiting friends, even though people are adgitating me, just doing my homework and not thinking about it (not a good thing), lauging even though I don't feel like it, etc. and nothing has worked. I feel really invalidated by them (ACT.) I need ideas please!!! I almost feel like there are 2 me's......one that is forced by ACT, and one of me whose true feelings aren't being acknowledged. If that makes sense. Please help............Thanks.

Oh dear, Kelly...... I hope someonme smarter than I am comes along soon (and I'm so sorry it took anyone so long to get here - I'll bet you've had a long night !)

My only suggestion is that you just print out the things you've written here, on the forum, recently and take those to Laura. Insist as much as you're able that she read them NOW. Ask that she give them to your dr. or her boss - somebody who can help you NOW.

I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. Take care of yourself.

i agree with jingle.

Your pdoc sounds like a jerk. Hopefully it was just a bad day.

Kelly,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so badly. Please know you've been heard; that someone somewhere hears that pain and understands it.

If you are actively feeling that you could harm yourself, please seek help immediately to attempt to address these thoughts in a safe way. You could call your local crisis line, go to the emergency room ER, or contact the national hotline. Please let someone trained help you when you feel you don't want to help yourself, or that you can't.

Here are some additional resourses: http://psychcentral.com/helpme.htm

We're here. We care.

KD

Kelly
I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I agree that finding someone you can speak with who understands will go a long way to helping you sort out what you are feeling, and also give you suggestions on how to communicate all this to those who are not understanding. Kimmydawn and the folks at PsychCentral are a very good place to start :)
Also, one thing I learned is that trying to please other people can sometimes put unbearable pressure on ourselves....it is good to be considerate, but we cant live out lives according to other people's expectations....we can only do what we can do, and try to do it as well as we can.

I hope you managed to get some rest last night Kelly and that today will bring something very postitive and helpful into your life

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b2...575-19-044.jpg

Kelly,

When reading what you wrote, all I can think is "been there. done that". It sucks feeling like you have to act a certain way with one group and then another way when you are able to be yourself.

You have to express how you feel. If you do not, the pressure inside of you will build until you burst. That is not a good thing.

My therapist sounds a lot like Laura. When I wasi n therapy, she would not accept any crap from me. However, she did allow me to journal and give her the journal every week. I wrote to her exactly how I felt about her, my life, and everything going on that week and then gave it to her when we had our sessions. It really helped me out A LOT. In our sessions, she used my journal entries to help me to find healthy coping mechanisms with my feelings.

I will be honest with you, I still have days were I think that it would be so much easier to do something to harm myself rather than deal with what is going on. However, the difference between then and now is that I have ways to deal with being depressed and those urges that are healthy.

Also Kelly, depression does have physical manifestations. You can feel very very sick when you are depressed.

:( hugs for you both.

I'm sorry to read that, Kamie. I had no idea you'd been through so much...depression affects entire families..I grew up with a mom who was depressed...I'm glad you found some help so you could cope for both yourself, and for zoe and Nathaniel. Here's to better days ahead, for everyone!

Hi all,
Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. First of all, I don't know if any of you have heard about this form of therapy, but I have been through Dialectical behavior therapy, and I know all the skills from that, but I just don't feel like using them right now, and no one understands that. I am going to take Kamie's suggestion and journal, and give it to Laura next time she talks to me. I just don't know how she'll react. I was in no immediate danger last night, because someone was with me watching my every move. They have my dangerous medication right now, Torazodone, and if this weekend I feel like overdosing again, I can call and they will come pick up my meds and give them to me daily. Only the day's worth. But, I don't want to go there so I will call the crisis line if needed. I just talked through it with a friend last night and that helped enough (She's been in DBT too)

The weird thing is, I have not really cried that much, just been real short with people including Laura........I feel bad, but I am not that way, and that should be a red flag as to how I am really doing, but it isn't. I am like I said, going to journal and give it to Laura when I see her next time.....I have done it before and I think that is the most effective way to do things. Thanks for the reminder Kamie, and thanks everyone for your heartfelt concern. It is truly appreciated.

((((((Kelly))))) I'm so glad that you took the step of having somebody with you and giving them your meds.

I can completely relate to the two Kellys' because I am two Julies' or three sometimes. There is the Julie Mom who has to take care of the kids, get Robert up and off to school, homeschool Michael, keep up this house, do the shopping...etc. Then there is the Julie Volunteer that is on every committee, teaches Sunday School, goes to church, etc. Then there is the Real Julie that is sad, depressed and lonely. I can't show that one.

Though I do my share of crying, I am also short with people. I can be mean as hell. The minute I find myself doing that with my kids, I know I need to step back. When I start giving hell to the other drivers on the road, I know the depression hole is calling me.

The wonderfulness (is that a word) of the internet is the annonimity of it all. Here we can talk of exactly how we feel. I have my own depression board and one of the greatest suggestions ever given there was for the person to use her posts at our board as her journal to give to her Pdoc. Maybe you could try that.

Biggest of hugs and keep posting.

Julie

(((((kelly))))

aww sweety....i'm sorry you are feeling all this.

have you had any testing of your hormones? your edrenal system? stress can play havic on us. get surges and then get depleted. i ask this because of you mentioning being short with people. my oldest daughter went through this after extreme stress from her father and step-mother and school.

i am so proud of you for reaching out for help. you are not alone.

Kelly you've had some excellent advice, including journaling..sometimes it's easier to write what we feel.

Are you crying? Our tears are a good thing...
sometimes when life gets so unbarable it's wise to cry it out. Some of us have trouble crying, some of us can't stop.

We are here for you Kelly..please stay in touch. Gentle hugs.

Hi ((Kelly)).

I don't have any history on you, but just seeing the physical problems you deal with throws up a red flag for me! Chronic pain saps absolutely everything, physically and emotionally.

That you can even venture out to see someone is a good thing. Or call someone. Those are both good things, and I feel good knowing you do/did those good things! :D

I hate pain. And I hate depression. I grew up with it and didn't even realize I was in such a depressive state until I had a car accident. And they put me on an antidepressant for the chronic resultant head pain.

Anyway...keep doing what you are doing. If you can, lordy, don't ever go see that one doctor again unless that was a 1-time incident and you can tell him, "What you said was just plain rude and stupid."

If you're on meds for depression, maybe it's time for a change. I hate the med merry-go-round, but when you find the right med, it's a good thing.

Hugs and wishes for a better day today. :)

Allfe,
I have done some crying, but nothing like I usually do. That is what has this bout of depression puzzling. I am most of all angry. It just hurts so badly that sometimes I feel like I am all cried out. What is stressing me out, and everyone is saying I need to stick it out, including ACT. I was told by a friend that I need to do what's best for me. They think that staying in school is best, but I am not so sure. I think a big stress would be lifted off me if I did not have to worry about deadlines, etc. But no one is hearing that locally, except my professor......She just told me I don't NEED to drop the class, but that she'd try to help me through it as much as possible.....That was at least good to hear. The thing that gets me is that with college, if you take time off, you are still expected to do the work....Like as in not go to class. And that is really what is getting me down. I am looking for ways to reduce my stressload, and it seems that is the only way. But, for some reason, my treatment team tells me they feel that if I quit now, I would get "sicker." What they aren't acknowledging is that I am sick now, and the most stressful part of the term is yet to come. I really just want to give up....but if I do, I fear now that it will only get worse. I think the reason people are so adgitating to me right now is that no one who can help me change what I am going through are not listening to me. I am going to try the journaling and showing these posts to my treatment team. I will update you all on how things are going. Thanks again.

Doody,
I have been major depressive and Borderline since I was 14 years old. I am on Effexor, Zoloft, Buspar, Torazodone, and abilify. So, I have been through this before, but it doesn't make the bouts any easier to cope with. I am in assertive community treatment. You can read about it at: http://www.actassociation.org/. And, there is only one pdoc for the ACT clients, so I have to see this doctor. I have been in ACT for almost 2 yrs. and they had an even worse one prior to this one, so I am actually for the most part thankful they changed. He did not change a single one of my meds though, just talked to me about why I shouldn't feel the way I do, and it was very invalidating. That is what talk therapy is for. They are supposed to manage medicines, and nothing more. He is a better doctor than the other one, so I am hoping it was just a bad day for him.

Kelly,

What I have learned is that it is okay to feel the way you do. What is important is what you do with how you feel.

I have days where I wake up depressed, anxious, or some other way of being upset. What the difference is now is how I deal with those feelings. On days like that, I do something for myself. Heck, it may be taking a bouble bath, venting on the internet, taking the kids to the park (yes that is fun for me), or finding some other way to spoil myself.

Also, talk to someone in ACT about how this doctor treated you. Tell them what bothered you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim here. If he is treating you like this, then he could be doing this to other people too. Use your voice and speak up! :) Perhaps if someone talked to him about how he treats people, it will help him to be a better doctor.

Your feelings are your feelings. They are okay. What is important is how you use your feelings.

Now that said, perhaps your doctor is a bit leery on over medicating you. Trust me, some doctors are medication happy. I will not go into my experience, but I had a doctor who piled med upon med on me once and it caused a lot of problems which resulted in me being in the ICU when I was 21and damaged my kidneys. So yes, there are dangers to over doing it with medications. Perhaps in his way, he was trying to challenge you before resorting to another med change. I am not making excauses for him, but a lot of men doctors are crappy communicators. Perhaps he meant something one way but it came out all wrong and made him sound like a jerk. Again, let someone in ACT know what is going on and how he made you feel. Use your voice and be assertive!

Sorry to hijack this thread Kelly.

Alicia,

I have a chemical imballance due to pesticide poisoning when I was 3 and am a recovered anorexic who went through a tramautic assault my 2nd year in college. I have been through a lot of counseling and went inpatient for 4 months when I was 21 years old. It took a lot of hard work, but I have been recovered for 6 years now. I am taking a medication for anxiety that just balances me out and am doing quite well which is now prescribed by my family doctor. I do not even have to see a psycharist anymore. I did have a bit of post partum depression and post tramautic stress going on after the births of the kids due to their rocky starts. I knew what to do. My husband and I both got some counseling so we could get out our feelings. And I go to a therapist from time to time if I am feeling too overwhelmed with it all. And yes, there are times that I feel like there is too much and I cannot take it. But I know that is normal being in my situation and know how to reach out for help if I need it. I feel like I have the tools that I need to take care of myself and my family. Therapy helped me use those those tools. And the medication helps me stay level with the medical/chemical side of things.