Devastated
 

I don't know how I go here, just surfing the web. I read of several suicides and needed to talk. I am a recent widow of an acute alcoholic. Although all his family want to believe his death an accident, after 17 years marraige I knew him better than anyone and believe it to be intentional. I am left with two little girls, one of who will never remember her daddy and the other who will never forget. I am desperately trying to start a new life and even though I am on anti-depressants, I am an emotional wreck. Is there anyone out there who feels the need to talk and can listen to my pain?

I'm sorry to hear about your unfortunate circumstances, and feel the pain in your writings. Hopefully you can find peace soon. Do you attend counseling of any kind to help you through this difficult time? Are there support groups available in your area, or a religious misson? You should reach out to a trusted community where people will be available one-on-one to help you.

nohope, I am so sorry you and your girls are having to go through this nightmare. It really is like no other...all the emotions that go with it..anger, guilt, denial and the why why why question. Please know that you have come to the right place to talk about it....we are here for you. :hug:

hello nohope
yes sure we listen

Thank you for hearing me. Maybe you could tell me how to use this sight and if you have any support groups and how I might be able to communicate with someone going through the same thing. Thank you so much!

You're doing just fine using this sight dear lady.:hug: I have experience with what you are going thru as we lost our son to suicide....18 yrs ago this January...he left an 8 year old son behind. After spending years trying to find out why he would do such an awful thing...I have accepted it as an impulsive act fueled
by drinking 1/2 bottle of brandy and not winning the lottery.

If you can find a suicide support group near you...please go to one. There was none in our town then...there is now. It sounds like you cannot talk to his family as they are in denial...not uncommon. But you need to talk about what you are feeling...and whatever you are feeling is normal! Trust me it is!

I am on vacation right now so am not "living on my computer" as I often do at home. But I check this sight at least twice a day. Please know that you are not alone and please continue to talk here. :grouphug:

Hi, you are so wonderful! Please let me know if you get this as I am unsure if I'm in the right area to type to you. I am so sorry about your son. Was he an alcoholic or was that just a one-time overdose? Is your grandson close to you?

The only thing getting me though day to day right now is the anger and resentment for what my husband has done. Literally, he threw us "all" away! I can't even begin to tell you of the last few years of my life, I'm just so glad you responded and would love to continue to communicate. I don't even know how I found this sight last night. I must have googled suicide or something, but when I found it, I just had to figure out how to get in (computer illeterate). I try not to communicate with his family because they completely shun my idea of suicide. They are even trying to petition the medical examiner to change the conclusion on the death certificate to that of "accident" instead of "undetermined" However, the clues are all over the place. I have no other family in town to help me and my friends who gave their condolences in October are back to their normal lifes. What's normal? My life came to an end more than 2 years ago and the only reason I am still here is for my little girls.

I have no insurance. My husband destroyed and financially devestated this beautiful family. Social Security only covers my bills now and leaves me nothing to live on. I owned a small business recently and was forced to close following his death and am now homebound because I can't afford childcare. My youngest will enter kindegarten in the fall and maybe at that time I can find a job or restart my company just to give me a reason to get up every morning. Until then, what kind of support groups are out there to give me someone who I can relate to?

I hope you are enjoying your vacation and thank you again for your response:)

Hi nohope,
I'm glad you found such a wonderful group of people here. I'm very sorry to read that it's under such difficult circumstances but I hope that we can assist you in getting some online support as well try to help you find some other practical support in your area or home town. At the top of the page here there are some threads which list other things including some 'useful websites'. e.g. http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread238.html

Perhaps if you feel comfortable about telling us your general area, we might be able to direct you to a specific SOS group in your town or city. I'm in Australia which is a long way from most people who post here, but some of the websites listed show groups in the USA and we might be able to narrow it down closer to where you live.

I'm looking through the lists now so will post if I find the one I'm looking for which lists the different states. Also, if there appears to be nothing available in you area, it might be worth asking at the local doctor or better still a psychology centre if there's one near you. They are sure to have a list of resources locally.

keep talking and let us know where you're posting from (if you feel comfortable doing that) and once again, I'm glad you found this forum. Keep strong and know you're not alone. Also remember that while you may feel at this very moment that there is no hope, and we all understand that :hug: , I hope that as you find the support that can assist you, that you one day will see that there is hope. Just keep hanging on there.

Directory of SOS Support Groups

This is a list on the Foundation for Suicide Prevention website. They list USA states and also International sites by the look of it. Just click on the underlined link above.

Lara thank you for supplying the suicide support sites. :hug:

nohope (wish I could call you something else) look in your local newspaper or call a hospital or mental health center. That's often where the meetings take place...usually once a month. Some offer grief support groups which is better than no group at all, but suicide is such a complex mix of our emotions...try to hold out for that. They are called S.O.S...survivors of suicide which is what we are...the aftermath of our loved ones actions...those left behind. And the wonderful thing about them is that they know exactly how you are feeling without you saying a word. They have all lived this nightmare. :hug:

Also some offer a newsletter with very helpful articles and suggestions of books that will help. (I'm not clear if your husband killed himself in Oct or two years ago) If it was last Oct. you probably can't concentrate well enough to read yet. That whole first year was a blurr for me.

Our Michael was not an alcoholic but he did abuse the heck out of it on occasion...self medicating I would guess. He was a big, healthy, intelligent 32 yr. old with everything to live for....engaged, had a son who adored him....~sigh

I have struggled so hard to forgive and accept. You have a long journey ahead of you... please be very kind to yourself., we are here for you. :hug:

Thank you so much for your info. This site is wonderful and so are the people. I am still getting used to it and it took me awhile to find your note. Thank you! I am in Portland Oregon

I am so sorry about Michael. 32 is much too young to die. My husband had just turned 40. Yes, this just happened on October 6, 2007. Again, so much thanx for all your info.

Hi ((nohope)).

I'm glad you've had such wonderful responses (which, by the way, is not surprising at these wonderful forums). And I'm equally glad Ms. Alffe is checking up on us from a long distance vacation. :)

You live in beautiful country out there. I once lived in Brookings, OR. I pray you find a group such as the ones Alffe speaks of.

Bless you and your children. :hug:

Thank you for the response. My parents currently live in Brookings Oregon!

nohope -- please know that my thoughts, hopes and prayers and with you. I'm so glad you found this site. :hug:

They are!!!??? That's where my daughter's father still lives. He's on about his, oh...4th or 5th wife, LOL! Such beautiful country.

I'm so glad you found us as well AND found your way back. :hug:

There are so many wonderful people in this forum community. You will like the friendships you make here and the comfort.

Dear nohope
 

:hug:
Firstly i must warn you i'm the other spectrum of this forum, those that are actual survivors of attempted suicide.

I don't condone what i did [16 years ago] and at that specific time the demon drink played a hand in events. But my mental health was the key factor.
My in-laws, and family... couldnt't understand...i had a beautiful wife[still have] a young son of four months my own house etc...
but what everyone else saw was a balanced mind......sadly inside i was not ...


Whatever you feel about the act... do not see it as an afront/or snub to you and your children...Your husband would never have intentionaly wanted to hurt you.

But he has....and your pain anguish and anger are humanly justified...
But years on from my own experience you have to accept the past forgive it if you can and LEARN FROM IT.

YOU WERE NOT THE REASON HE DIED, HE chose to or ended up on a path of self for filling prophesy where sadness and desperation lead people into irational behaviour... Self medication through Alcohol is common in underlying mental health...its not the answer ... but sometimes its the soloution.. Alcohol is an addiction... it comforts you when your low,//makes you laugh when your happy...feeds you when your emoitionaly hungry//never answers you back or disputes what your thinking or saying. Defends you when you think your in the right//diserts you when you know your in the wrong// but above all when you need an ear//a shoulder to cry on/ drink is always there.


I know several people, who the world thought were strong and upstanding, and had meaning to live, yet took their own life and left distraught families in their wake...Why we will never truley know... because sadly we dont live in the minds of others.

I truley wish you peace in your trauma, and pray this pain will gradualy reduce.

If you ever feel the need to be angry and shout, i am more than willing to listen.............

DAVID

HI Hope... I mean... nohope...

Trust me, you are blessed to have found this forum... it won't take you long to learn it.

I have lost relatives and close friends to suicide. I have never attempted it myself. I have felt suicidal. I am, thankfully, medicated and doing very well now.

I believe that many of us are here because we have lost a way of life.

Take care! :) Addy

P.S.
I haven't been here lately because I am in the midst of starting a new chapter in my life. I will write a separate thread about it so that everyone can stop wondering :grouphug:

Nohope you know that you can post and read in all the threads here, or start a new one if this one gets too long. I think the tendency for suicide runs in families..your husbands family is an example of that...I also think there is a true link to alcohol and suicide.

I think I was about 10 yrs old the first time I thought about it. I was sitting on a step right by the two lane road that ran past my uncles farm in southern Indiana...I loved visiting there and was having a wonderful time.
A big semi truck was coming down this road and into my mind jumped the thought...I'm going to get up and run in front of it! Obviously I didn't but I remember being suprised at myself that I'd think of such a thing.

The last time I thought about it was when I was walking around the cemetary with a loaded gun...Michael was freshly buried there and I wanted to join him. I told my husband, gave him the gun and have never again considered doing that. Oh, I wished I were dead plenty of times but could never put my loved ones through that after learning first hand what it does.

And David, I think you understand all too well about self medicating with alcohol (as do I)....just do not have access to a gun while doing it.

Well folks.....are we having fun yet? :D Very heavy conversation so early in the morning. :grouphug:

:grouphug:Lots of tears :grouphug:

Dear David, I never expected this and am so glad you did. You hit the hammer on the nail, whether sad or happy "drink is always there"! And yes it really was as he ALWAYS had an excuse to drink. It was always there throughout our marraige. When I met him, he had a case of beer in his hands. He was drunk at our wedding and the first thing he packed in his overnight bag to take to the hospital for the birth of both his little girls was his bottle of whiskey. But it wasn't until the last few years that he became out of control. He was a "functionable alcoholic", able to fool everyone except me! Nobody could understand unless they had gone through what we had. In the end he was up to two 1/2 gallon bottles of whiskey a day in addition to numerous beers. He became someone I didn't even recognize. In the end I didn't even know who he was anymore, I just knew this was not the man I had married 17 years ago. But the most unforgiveable part of what was happening was what he was doing to the children and how I couldn't intervene, he wouldn't let me! The physical and mental abuse and loading them up in their carseats and driving them with an open container in his truck. I am the one who left him. I took the children and fled the home. For the next year and a half we fought through the courts. He became a monster and turned family and friends against me because no one really believed how much he was drinking. It took him so much to show any signs of intoxication because his system was so used to it. During his calls to his children he would pit them against me with vicious lies. Through all of this legal battle we lost everything! It was the power of the bottle that cost him his home, family, job and everything else. However, he blamed me for it all. I was his scapegoat for everything that went wrong. He could never own up to any fault or responsibility. In the end he drank himself to death and succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning because of his impairment to make a good decision.

I don't blame myself for any of this and loathe him for what he has done. We were a beautiful well-sustained family that turned into the most disfunctionable family I know. He was my best friend! He left two beautiful healthy little girls! He left me!

I am so glad you are still here, David. There is a reason for that. Whether it's your family sitting all around you or something yet out there, YOU have an impact whatever the reason.

Thanx for listening:)

So good to hear from you again. I just wrote a lenthly note to David hoping to help people better understand what has truly happened her. Im still learning this site and found that you can see all my postings on one page! Oh my, I really am computer illeterate!!! Anyway, I have responded to so many peoples emails of care and I guess I can have diarrehea of the mouth sometimes and really carry on.

In November of 2005 when things were really getting out of control, I called his brother (who is still here) and his sister (who died 2 weeks before my husband to alcohol) to let them know what was happening. They completely brushed away my thoughts. In June of 2006 I left a very detailed message on his brother's machine that I believed my husband to be suicidal and they needed to watch after him as I was making my plans to leave. No one returned my calls. My husband had a very large antique collection of guns and that was my biggest fear. When his body was found, there was a loaded gun next to him never discharged. This is why his family wants to believe this an accident. However so many clues have emerged since then that I know this was not an accident.

Yes, I believe suicide and alcoholism run in families. One of his brothers killed himself in October 1989. One of his sisters succumbed to alcoholism 2 weeks before my husband.

Oh, I so feel what you did with Michael and when at first when my husband died I just wanted to give everything up and join him, but as time went on and the clues started to emerge I couldn't keep away from my kids and felt the need to blanket them even more. Now I would never dream of leaving them. I'm all they have left.

Thank you so much for hearing me and helping me to better understand this tradgedy.

al anon? maybe?

nohope you got me to thinking about the children and I wonder if there are support groups for them....am away from my library that has all this information so will post it for you when I get home. I know that they are young but I was thinking play therapy...for your oldest child. What did you tell her about how he died? And how can she possibly understand.

I think you have a wonderful attitude...to even try to understand what he did to your family is nothing short of amazing. He was ill...that's no excuse but he was. :hug:

Thank you. Looking into that already:)

Thank you, that's all I've thought about since this all began is "what about the children"? Unfortunetly not having any family in town and limited resources as far as childcare and no child support over the course of the dreaded two years 2005-2007, my children were with me 24/7. For their safety they never left my side. Their father was only permitted one supervised visit a week with them. I have been reprimanded by friends and family because I chose not to keep secrets from my kids. That's my choice. It is not their place to tell me how to raise my children. I would rather them hear from me than from someone else or worse, through rumors at school. At the very beginning of our seperation, when I chose to flee the home for the safety of the children, my girls and I were homeless for 9 days while my husband refused to leave our 3600 square foot home. Finally the judge ordered him out one day before my oldest was to start 5th grade. I took the time to sit down and write a lengthy letter to the principle of the school to let her know what state of mind my 10 year old was in. I immediately got her into counseling through the school. Following her father's death, I went through the pediatrician for further counseling for both children. I am very proud of my girls. Through all this drama they are doing very well. They eat well, sleep well, have friends, are active and very open with me. My eldest even hit the honor roll twice! Now she is in 6th grade and holding onto a "A" grade overall. She is even volunteering at her old elementary school. My littlest I wish I could do more for though. We just moved again, 3rd time in 10 months. We know none of the neighbors and no little kids in the area for her to play with. Although we are active at the library and trying to get a scholorship at the YMCA, I have little time to entertain her as I am just so busy trying to keep us afloat.

My kids are great kids! I get compliments all the time of their manners. Even at restaurants people will approach the table to compliment me. I know their father had a great deal to do with their outcome too. Sara will never forget her father. She was wrapped around his finger since birth. However, Emma will forget as she came along at the beginning of his spiral downward. She does not understand "death" and often asks to see her father.

It's very difficult being a single parent with no one else out there who can help, but I find it very rewarding with their positive attitudes and love back.

Hope you are having a great day!

I think you are doing everything just right! And I especially agree about telling them the truth....rather they heard it from you then rumors later on.
You've protected them from day one and are a teriffic momcat..*grin

Now you just need to figure out what to do with the rest of your life..and you are entitled to have a life..you've paid your dues dear lady and one of your rewards are two splendid girls. You are blessed...believe it or not. :hug:

THANK YOU!!! Reminds me of a Christmas present I got just this last Christmas. It's a wall hanging which says "The best things in life are right in front of you".
They are my girls!

Telling children the truth is the right thing to do.......as later in life when they hear it ...........it can be a awful shock...and more damaging.

I'm a firm believer in that, your constant presence arround your children, will ease their sorry, comfort their pain, and brighten their future.

Dont be affraid to show emotion to them...just explain your feelings..

Children are clever in that they can decide for themselves, what is important and when...When they start giving you hormonal greif you'll know they are growing up and moving on with their own life.

If they ever feel the need to talk about their father...please allow them to do this, because not allowing will store up trouble.

Art therapy is a great way of expressing feelings, your youngest child may get a great deal from this.... dont be shocked by her pictures though.... their just her imagination, expressing her inner thoughts...harmless..and yet theraputic.

Your eldest child sounds a serious academic... congratulations, too your parenting skills......Grade A students also need 'silly time'...which i'm sure all three of you could do with.....entertainment is expensive ....laughter is free:hug:


And nohope....endevour to spend 1 hour a day on you.....healing takes a long time...........living takes forever................:hug:

David

Hi again Hope :)

My gosh, I see myself in your children - except for one important factor... I didn't have you for a mother.

It was in the 60's - my mom took me, my sister and brother (aged 9, 8 and 7) to a city 500 miles away... told us we were going on a vacation.... not telling us that we were leaving our alcoholic Dad.

She wasn't a mother who had any depth to understand the effect this would have on her children. She simply couldn't understand and I forgive her. I have a great bond with my sister and thank God we can talk about this together.

Hope, I am amazed at your insight... ! Thank goodness your children were born in another place in time... and they have you!

Continue to be brave :hug:

(((Nohope))) I'm just so glad you came back to talk! I am in awe of you and how you have handled the situation under such adverse conditions. You deserve to pat yourselve on the back for an extraordinary job well done. And thank you for having the guts to come here and talk about it. Much love and hugs.

Thank you again for the emotional support and excellent advice. I ache for my kids and how they will never again see their daddy or have the life that they had grown accustomed to. I am doing my best to keep them busy which really takes any time away from "my time". My 4 year old told me this morning she wants a new daddy. I asked her "what about your daddy?" She said then she could have 2 daddys, one to watch her from the sky and one to hold her at home. For my husbands memorial, here in Portland Oregon (his actual funeral was in Medford Oregon and we did not attend) I had put together 3 huge memory boards of all the photographs I had taken over the years as a family. There is one picture that tears my 4 year old apart. It's one where my husband and I were camping when my oldest was then 4 years of age and Emma had not been born yet. She is soooooooo upset that she didn't get to go camping with daddy. There is a 7 year gap inbetween my girls. Not by choice, though, I lost 5 pregnancies between them. Emma was really a miracle baby and I spent the majority of that pregnancy in the hospital. Now the startling revelation that the losses could have had something to do with daddy's drinking.

My 11 year old Sara, I admit, had all the fun times spent with the family. By the time her little sissy came along, this family was being ripped apart. Sara has very fond memories of those times and loads of photographs to document them. Sara does not talk about her father unless prompted by me. I kind of get scared about her silence sometimes, but you would never know if you met her as she is enthusiastic, energetic, playful and full of love. I am also the proud mother of a "DARE" graduate and her solemn vow never to smoke or drink. May I be so blessed!!!

Thank you so much for your power note. I fell better today and am on my way with my 4 year old to have lunch with a friend in downtown Portland Oregon and the sun is actually out today!

Have a great day!

Wow, thank you! I really think it's you guys and everyone else out there sending their power notes that has me driven to carry on. It takes a really good listener to actually say all the right things that the needy person needs. I have found that here. I have wonderful friends, but I feel I cannot talk to them much about this anymore. My marraige was crippled years ago and my poor friends have had to drudge through this with me. Today, my 4 year old and I went into downtown Portland Oregon to see a dear friend of mine. This is the same friend who witnessed the horrible court hearing when my husband was in full withdrawls on the witness stand. She is desperately trying to get me into a new routine of healing and trying the single life again. I am not ready! I am in total despair just seeking those ears that can really listen. I don't want to make people miserable, I am just seeking a pick-me-up emotionally and you guys have all the right words to say and that's why I am here! THANK YOU ALL!!!

((Nohope)) Yay! You found us again! I'm so glad you did!

You're a survivor dearheart. You will make it. One day at a time. And everyone here is so glad you found us!

:hug:

Wow, this one's tough. Hearing it from a child who's been through it. I am sure your mother loved him and was desperate as I was to try to hang in there for the children's sake. Do you have any contact with your father now?

I tried for years to get him to scale back, but then he was hiding it. He was a completely difffernt person when drinking. He was a very outstanding person and people really loved him and looked up to him. But as time went by, he escalated to "out of control". After he lost his job, he would sleep 3 hours then be up 3 hours drinking like a fish and then again sleep and then again drink and then again sleep..... He would beat the children if they were not silent during his sleeping times. Whether it be 1pm or 4pm in the afternoon, the children had to be silent! After I had fled the home, he told everyone that I had taken the children out of their beds in the middle of the night in their jammies and left. When in actuallity it was at 2pm in broad daylight and I had even skipped the little one's nap. He had gone back to bed at 11am after his drinking binge and this was usually when he took the then 3 year old back to bed with him and beat her when she wouldn't go to sleep so he could. It was my day off and I knew his pattern of every three hours of sleep then drink. So, instead of him being alone that day to watch them, I was off work for the day and set in to packing 2 big bags of clothes and necessities and even dog food for my ailing siberian husky. The team of estrogen (even the dogs a girl:)) left and didn't know where to go. I found a motel that would accept dogs and we stayed there that night. Fearing the worst, I called the police to let them know I am not a missing person, nor my children and had chose to leave given the circumstances. They actually thanked me so they wouldn't be waisting time looking for me had he reported me missing! From there it was a day to day thing. One of my friends sheltered us for 5 days. The rest of the time we spent at the motel until the judge ordered him out of our home so I could return with the children.

Your mother did the right thing and you are a better person because of it! And more knowledgeable. I hope you have stayed close with your mom. She did what she did at that time because she knew she must for your welfare. That is all I tried to do and now have to live through the outcome. Unfortunetly I cannot shake the last few years of my life and continue to dwell on them. Emotional healing??? I don't know, but staring at all our stuff that has followed us through the years is not helping. I am on a mission to sell everything I own and start anew. Even my children want new beds! Wow! If that is the only thing on their mind right now, so be it!

Thank you for sharing such a traumatic part of your life. I wish you were here as I can totally relate.

Oh, one more thing, thanks for changing my name and outlook on life:)

dear nohope, I think it would be a great idea if you continue chatting with us. You owe it to yourself to talk about how you are feeling, and haven't be able to talk to his family or the people who are too busy with their current lives. I promise you that if you keep talking with other people who have been devastated by suicide, it will make a real difference in your life. My mom committed suicide 6 weeks after my dad passed away, just when I thought I had her stresses under control enough to hopefully avoid such thoughts, so you can imagine how frustrated (and tired) I was.
It's not like people are going to tell you how to feel. I think you said it well when you said it's just being able to talk to people who have been dumped with the effects of a loved one committing suicide.
It really makes a difference in your life if you are also talking with people 'live', as in finding a group to visit with. You sound like you've been too depressed to find the group nearest to you, so tell us where you are and people here can do a little brainstorming for you.
I wish I could tell you that in 'n' weeks you'll be 'over' it. But you will never be over it. However, you can reach a point where you are proud of yourself for how you are doing, even if there will always be days when you just can't believe that you are in this situation. Those days never stop completely, but they come less often, eventually. Do you like the school your oldest will be attending?

HI gizmogirl and welcome to our survivors forum. I'm so sorry to read of your mothers suicide after your efforts to help her...no one can prevent a suicide if someone is hell bent on it. :hug: And you are right about our never getting over it...we just have to "put it in prospective" so we can remember the good memories...and we all have plenty of those. Unfortunately it takes a long time to sort it out.

And nohope...you sounds like you are suffering from PTS in addition to dealing with his death. What you had to go thru for years from this man's abuse is a horror story. Are you still getting counseling? Are you taking an anti depresent? Have you located a group yet? Maybe calling the library would answer the question of whether any support group is available.

Have you read our Wonder Threads here? You have a lot of wonder about. *grin And What's on your plate will usually locate members imediate plans for the day.

Thinking about you...:hug:

Edit to slap self up the side of the head! It was right up at the top all of the time no hope...please click on any of them...


http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread238.html


another :hug:

Dear N. Hope (I'd like to think the "N" stands for "near"),

First - Thank you , dear Alffe for bringing this thread to my attention. I haven't been reading much with the things of the last few weeks.

Hope - your story rings familiar with me. 5 years ago my husband of 28 years also took his life ater 5 years of downward spiral with heavy drinking, drug abuse ( I found out after he died), quiting his job, pulling away from everything and everyone.

We had times through our marriage of dealing with heavy drinking (and pot), but he would always turn around and things would seem to be better. We had 2 children and he, though self centered, worked and was at least "around". In 2003 he quit his job of 23 years and just seemed to go down the tubes. I didn't know until after his death that he had become addicted to prescription drugs (including drugs that he obtained illegally like oxycontin and fentanyl). This, in addition to the alcohol, prescribed drugs (anti depressants, sleeping pills, anti-anxieties, and pain meds) - the combination of these in high enough levels together is how he died. It might have been considered accidental (my daughter still wants to believe this) but he left notes for all of us and there were 2 loaded hand guns next to him. I think that was his actual intent but the drugs got to him first. (and for that I am thankful).

The hardest thing for me is that it happened 3 weeks after I finally left him. (guilt - inducing....) I had tried so hard for so many years, lying to myself and putting on a good front for others. I confronted him many times and gave him my bottom line - he would "try" (or go underground, more likely) for a w hile, only to have it reoccur - worse each time. He was my high school sweetheart and we had a good life - nice home - 2 kids - wonderful friends and family. I desperatly wanted to grow old together and have our grandchildren snuggle in our laps and play in our yard. I wanted to carry on the family traditions and add to the wonderful memories we had built. I wanted to look into the eyes I had loved for so long after they became wrinkled and see that love returned. I guess that was why it took me so long to realize things were so bad.

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have done - I know you understand that. It must have been so much harder for you with 2 little ones (mine were out of the house) and no where to go. (I went to my parents' home nearby). The night before he died, he called me and we had the best conversation - I was even thinking that maybe he was beginning a real change - the last thing we said to each other was "I love you" - and for that I am also grateful.

The aftermath was hard - although my family mostly accepted his death as suicide, I found only a few people that I could be totally, gut wrenchingly honest about the gammit of emotions. I continued my roles as the "protector", trying to be strong for everyone else and putting on a good face that I was moving on. I ended up moving 700 miles away eventually, which helped me deal with my "stuff" and start anew. It is now 5 years later and I am recently married to a wonderful man ("Who Moi") who has been very important in my journey of healing (still on it - like everyone).

The shock waves continue to ripple through our lives. But, like an onion peeling away layer by layer, healing comes closer. I still remember the good times and miss him and the life we had at one time - but it doesn't consume me. I cry, rage, remember,talk, and get through the next layer.

Sorry this was so lengthy - I just wanted you to know we share some common ground and there is a future for you and your girls. You sound like a wonderful mother and I applaud you for doing what you have done.

I agree about letting the girls talk and grieve and be angry. Let them say or feel whatever it is - talking it out takes away some of the sting.

Remind them often that it was not their fault (you would be suprised at how suicide brings guilt to the least suspecting).

Remind YOURSELF that is was not YOUR fault either.

Don't stop talking - find those few that will listen to whatever - whenever - even if it is this forum. Although you cannot see our faces, we ARE real and really here for you.

Take care of yourself. Stay healthy for you and your girls.

Feel free to contact me by my personal email (I will PM it to you).

Spanish Moss (Nan)

My ex did it 2 months after we (I) decided it would not be good to reconcile. We were divorced for a yr and back together for almost a yr. I feel like a widow cuz I still loved him so much but like you the drinking and drugging was just too much. We were married 22 yrs. It still hurts so much 2 1/2 yr after his death.

How horribly tragic! But it's like I know and keep reading, there was literally nothing you can do! I have never once felt guilt for what he did. He made his decision. After years and years of putting up with his excessive drinking and the ultimatums I aserted and trying to get his family envolved, I had totally had it! I hated who I had become when I was around him. This was not the man I married. That man was my best friend and we were inseperable, enjoyed the same things and shared the same morals, had the same goals and dreams. Life was full and beautiful and we so longed the days that we could be together. I approached his sister in early 2006 and she said he wasn't one to take to demands and that I wasn't going about the right way. Was there really a right way? I had been after him for years! She said I must approach it with a sympathetic approach. This is his sister, 10 years older than him who died from alcohol abuse last Sept 20. Only 2 weeks before my husband's death on Oct 6, 2007! When I used her approach and was all sympathetic and told him of my concerns for his health, he said I was "brainwashing him"!!!! At the court hearing, when my husband was on the stand in complete withdrawls and in a convulsive state, the judge asked him to please tell the court was was happening. My husband's voice came out as a squeek and he stated he was "having an anxiety attack and I was there to make a mockery of him"!!!! His head was violently jerking back and forth and he was clutching his neck and arm and struggling to talk or breath. I was crying wanting someone to call for help. I was so scared for him and that he was going to die. He literally fell off the stand when they asked him to go and take his seat next to his attorney. My friend who went with me said she was traumatized for life. My attorney was almost speechless and said she had never seen anything like that in her life. For years, I could do nothing. My husband knew he was in trouble, but he would never admit that to anyone. He "was the man"! I was to respect him, basically walk on egg shells around him and kiss his feet. But then the mental and physical abuse on the children. No matter how much I loved him, I knew I had given it my all and there was nothing left. I demanded he get help and only then maybe a marraige counselor could save us. His answer was to slam me with divorce papers. That was the shocker as that was not my husband. My husband depended on me to do everything for everybody. He was a follower and would just follow in my footsteps. Even though he held down a full time job, he left everything else up to me. I did the bills, errands, taking care of the kids, chores, you name it. It was because of his irrational behaivior and state of mind that I believe he followed the lead of his friends and brother to actually file for divorce. This is not something he would've ultimately wanted and his eldest sister confirmed following his death. Alcohol turned him into a monster and so motherly instinct kicked in and I got the children out!

I cry myself to sleep at night wanting so desperatly the life we had way back when. I feel like I have died inside and just don't want to go on. There is no joy left. I used to have such a love for life. I am not suicidal, I just don't care what happens to me at this point. If it weren't for my girls, I would not be here.

On the brighter side, after our 3rd move in 10 months, I fought the school board and my eldest was allowed to remain at her new middle school. That child has lost everything and I am so happy she can stay there. The downside is that I have to get up early every morning to take her to school and then turn around and pick her back up as the buses don't come out this far. That is my only reason for getting up in the morning now.

Thank you again for sharing your story and hearing mine. You are right, I find talking live on-line more illuminating then going to a group.