Take Responsibility for your Healing
 

"Healing involves making peace with the past and accepting that you did the best you could with the knowledg you had at the time. It means realizing how little control you really had over events, circumstances, and the actions of others and accepting that there may not have been anything you could have done to affect the outcome. Sometimes all the love in the world can't fill the emptiness another person has inside nor change their feelings of confusion and despair. No one is perfect. All of us have limitations, and part of healing is making peace with those limitations."

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Finding Your Way after the Suicide of Someone You Love
by David B. Biebel, DMin, & Suzanne L. Foster, MA

A Trout
 

When a trout rising to a fly gets hooked on a line and finds himself unable
to swim about freely, he begins with a fight
which results in struggles and splashes and sometimes an escape.
Often, of course, the situation is too tough for him.

In the same way the human being struggles with his environment
and with the hooks that catch him. Sometimes he masters his
difficulties; sometimes they are too much for him. His struggles
are all that the world sees and it naturally misunderstands them.

It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one.

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---Karl A. Menninger

Hi all, I think I've taken on a much bigger task than I can do at this time, but don't want to upset my new friend. She lost her entire family to suicide and illness within a 3 year period. All of their personals were brought to her tiny condo and have literally taken over her entire domain for the last 4 years. I talked her into a storage unit until she could go through it in her own time and decided to devote my days to going through the stuff to lessen her pain. Today, I came across a box that was labled "mom's stuff". I called her to ask if she would rather go through it for sentimentality reasons. She informed me that it may be things smeared with blood and brain matter. OMG I felt so awful for my friend and told her I'd take it to the storage unit.

Today she told me that I saved her life! She has seriously thought of suicide because she just couldn't take it anymore and didn't know where to begin. This is a single mother with two children working full time and going to school at night. She is overwhelmed.

I have put all my things needing attention away to try and help out someone in less fortunate circumstances. I think I've taken on too much, but need to to occupy my time. I really hope that I can get through her stuff soon and help her proceed with life for her two children and then maybe I can cope with my husbands stuff and going through it. He has been deceased now 4 months and all his things sit in my garage.

His brother also called me today to set up a time where we can catch up.

I look forward to sunshine here in dreary Portland Oregon. I feel as if it's been winter FOREVER!

Bless you heart nohope. Bless your hands. You are a GIANT.

Nohope, I don't think this is a healthy thing for you to do at all. It's way too early for you to be dealing with something like this. You will wind up retraumatizing yourself. It's OK to distract yourself with other things to take the "edge" off but to have to deal with someone's else horrendous loss, is way too much. It won't make you a bad person if you don't help this person, it's just the smart thing to do. Take care of yourself first. Otherwise, it could send you down another road that you don't want to go down.

~Hope

I love this thread Ms. Alffe. It's what I've been trying really hard to do. A lot of it physical as well. Tired of the pain and it's gotten much better with this amazing chiro I started seeing.

Gettin old here so time to get rid of a lot of baggage. :hug:

Sometimes we really have to work at taking care of ourselves.

You're right about having to work at taking care of ourselves Doody and I'm so glad you've found something that works for you. :hug:

The path to contentment depends on finding the coping strategy that works best for you, even if that means expressing anger or sadness on this journey. You can't force people to cope is ways that don't fit their nature.

If you're going through an awful time, don't feel bad about feeling bad.
When someone's in hurting over the loss of a job, the end of a relationship or the death of someone they loved, telling them to be more optimistic and look on the bright side just adds insult to injury.

And if it's too painful to deal with right now...put it aside for the time being but remember that "it'll" be there waiting for you. :grouphug:

My first step really was with Mr. Moi the first time I visited him and Mrs. Moi. He helped me find my spirituality.

Then I met a wonderful woman, a psychotherapist, from Colorado when she was here for a weekend. I ended up getting into meditation with her amazing tapes/cds. Basically helping you to get rid of bad stuff and find some centeredness.

Long way to go but at least I'm trying. LOTS of baggage inside to get rid of!

Thanks Ms. Alffe for the encouraging words. :hug:

This topic caught my eye...it is what I want to put on a bill board for my daughter to read.

In short....after a year and a half of intense treatment, medication, therapy, coaching, help from many directions....my 26 year old daughter is losing her kids to adoption and in the last month she has been hospitalized twice. Both times she took "too much" of her meds. The first time she admitted she took enough that they would have to admit her but not enough to cause death. The second time, she gueses she just wanted to sleep. She had been taken by ambulance and stayed 2 days in ICU. She has been self injuring too.

For those who do not know her...she has been dx'd with bipolar and borderline personality (she fits the latter). All the resources she has been given - she has basically wasted. She still has no job and has lost numerous living situations. All with lots of excuses...with no substance.

I am so very very sad for her but I am even more ANGRY. She lost her daddy and uncle to suicide so KNOWS what the recieveing end is like. I am ANGRY that she is playing this dangerous game with her life and our emotions...all to seemingly manipulate and draw attention.

I don't want to make this a long post - but that is the nut shell version. I HATE this. I do not know where "my" daughter has gone but this person is not her. I DO NOT want to even talk to her....to hear her victimizing whines and excuses. I am FURIOUS that she is flirting with suicidal actions and stabbing our hearts all over again. I do not know how to deal with this...I love my daughter...but I hate this. I no longer know how to "be there" for her any more without sacraficing my own mental health.

Just wanted to vent a little....thanks.

((((Mrs. Moi)))) I'm just so sorry for what you have been going through for you are the sweetest most angelic person I have ever known in my life.

Bipolar is so hard to deal with, but borderlines are even more difficult. Therapists shrink when borderlines 'show up' because borderlines are the ones who refuse to think that they have a problem and can be very nasty people.

I know one. My best friend...recently I had to intervene with her granddaughter in one of her weekend rages. She actually threatened the 10 year old with watching out because she would stab her in the night. :( After the rage she didn't even remember saying those things. (She hadn't been taking her meds.) I hope they find the right combination of meds for your daughter and that she religiously takes them and gets lots of talk therapy.

I saw a movie this weekend and one tiny statement really caught me. Someone said our bodies are houses for our souls. I do believe that both of you will be fine. Even though you have so much suffering right now.

I'm just sad this has to happen to you, one of the most spiritual people I know.

I love you Mrs. Moi. :heartthrob:

I feel so bad for you. I can feel your anger as I am still trying to deal with my own against my husband and his most irresponsible act of all, suicide, just 4 months ago. I also didn't even know who he was anymore, I just knew that this was not the man I had married.

I am a mother and have done my best to protect my children. I know one day that they will have to be held responsible for their own actions. That is called tough love as we can only give advice, but at one point can no longer do it for them.

26 is just so young. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

(((Spanish Moss))) My dear friend...You know my feelings regarding holding someone hostage to the threat of suicide. You are in the worst kind of double bind because her father and uncle did this and she will hold your feet to that fire cause it works for her. There's also the very real fear that she'll succeed at her next attempt...she's already lost so much. You have given her all and more that a mother can and the greatest gift was life. You can't prevent her from throwing it all away.

I'm praying for you all. :hug:

I wish I could do something - I wish I could even say something.
I am praying for you.