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My First Thoughts of "That"
I would be lying if I said I didn't know how this all came about. It started off as a small snowflake that more and more added to, and then it began rolling down the mountain until it turned into a massive snowball eventually causing an avalanche. I know exactly how I got to this point, yet have no clue how to get away from it.
I had, yesterday, probably the worst day of my life. I woke up in more pain than I have ever been in - which at the time, was just physical. The day prior, my brother, whom many of you have heard about prior in a post I made regarding his selfish and addictive behavior. He was always aggressive, he displayed every sign as a child that he would grow up to be an adult that did not fit in with the rest of society. He killed my pets, he beat me, he abused drugs and alcohol and was easily the most hostile person I have ever been around. I had posted after he has threatened suicide many times because I wouldn't give him money and I finally snapped and told him to do it and leave me alone. He obviously didn't do it because he didn't mean it, but saying it was a horrible thing as was my response to him. Anyway, he spent 6 months in rehabilitation versus going to prison after he robbed my Grandma. He got out the day before yesterday at 10am and was due to go stay with her (against many of our wishes but we did want him to stand a chance and his only other place to go was with my step-father whom is also a drug addict and alcoholic). He never showed up, and had my step-father pick him up who did something anyone who cared about my brother wouldn't have done. He took him to breakfast, and then directly TO A BAR. He claims he didn't drink, and said that he only went there to find a lady friend (although he used more offensive wording). Regardless, he didn't show his face until 11am yesterday. Assuming we'd all be forgiving that he didn't so much as call any of the people who actually care enough to worry about him. He lied as soon as he left rehab, told his boss his sister was picking him up - I live in California, he was in rehab in Ohio. As you can see, this is pretty much impossible. I had tried to not get stressed, as three days prior to these events I got my Insurance cancellation letter in the mail which finalized everything for me. It's been gone since Jan. 1st but it was more formal and final once seeing it. I've not had any pain medication, any seizure medication, or my antibiotics to deal with these vile infectious diseases I snagged from a nasty tick. I have one slip for over $500.00 worth of labwork, another order for my 3rd ultrasound to monitor my growing ovarian cyst, and another for a 'something' cystogram because my ureter or whatever it is regurgitates urine into my kidney and the severity needed to be checked. All of these orders cannot be put to use. The medication for my seizures and headaches alone totals $648.00 per month without insurance, so that also will no longer be a part of my life. I fought as hard as I could to just avoid the situation with my brother because I simply did-not-need anything extra. However, him running to the worst person as soon as he got out was too offensive for me to let pass. After my mother left my step-father, I tried to help him cope and would make him dinner and drop it off. That didn't last long as he seemed to note the similarity in appearance between my mother and I and no longer looked to me as a daughter and made an inappropriate advance towards me. My brother even talking to him disrespected me. Not to mention, he is 31 and should know if he just got out of rehab, you do not go straight to someone who spends his free time in a Methadone clinic, drinks excessively, smokes marijuana and is severely depressed (and appears to enjoy it and company). I confronted my brother and told him, "no more". Should he want to have a relationship with me he will cut off that part of the family. He has said "sorry" so much that word lost it's meaning. By the time I'd gone through my brother, my dad, my mom and my grandma - I was mentally exhausted. My Trigeminal Neuralgia had an unholy flare and I could SEE my pulse through the bulging vein on my temple. My eyes were blurred and glazed over. My entire body was shaking and every single muscle and joint was on fire. I thought at that time, I would call it at night at 6:30pm. I picked up my iPod and went upstairs to my bedroom. I put on a song which is called Dancing, by Elisa. I stretched out and pretended I was in the woods, as for whatever reason (even knowing ticks reside there), I feel content in the woods. I originally got this song after hearing the first part of it, which says "Time is gonna take my mind, and carry it far away where I can fly". Anyway, maybe it was just timing, or the last roll of the snowball finally did me in. It got to a part that says, "and I know that I'll be leaving soon". As soon as I heard it, I pictured myself dead. It wasn't just that, I kept thinking about it, and how much easier it would be not for me but those around me. At that very point in time (by then I'm hysterical), I didn't really know my 'value'. I did not know if I was a bigger blessing than a burden, or a bigger burden than a blessing. I've thought plenty of times that I simply cannot take the pain anymore - the physical pain. But the pain of not knowing if you'd actually HELP someone by being gone is easily the worst feeling I've ever had. What was worse is that my entire family was in bed by then (they are on Eastern time, and I am on Pacific). I couldn't tell my partner, or he'd feel at fault. He'd feel like he did something to make me feel that way, and he did nothing. He takes care of me, and has paid for my insurance and my healthcare along with everything else since May of 2006. May 5th, to be exact but whose counting? His life really stands more success without me, and I know in the long run he'd be better off. I cause him both financial and emotional problems. He makes good money, but not after taking care of me. He truly deserves someone who can share life with him versus taking his life away from him. I can't even give him a child, the only thing I can do is make sure he has clean laundry and dinner. I try to make sure I do it every day no matter how bad I feel because it's all I can do. I don't even tell him half of the time that I am very sick, I don't tell anyone. I just sit in my bathtub and cry and gather myself and go on. I am tired of being me, I am literally sick of being sick. I have goals that I just can't reach because everything keeps piling up. Not to worry, I won't kill myself, hell, I can't even afford something to do it with. Plus, knowing my history of failure I'd probably not finish the job and end up even worse. But instead, I can't help but wish that I would just die 'naturally'. I've never thought such awful things, it makes me sick to think that. I can't even afford therapy to get myself past it (hence why I'm babbling here boring the world). I guess I made it to the enough is enough point, and I'm only 30. I'm 30 and I feel 100. I finally found a diagnosis and a doctor, and lose everything to keep me on track. Granted, she will see me free - but I can't pay for treatment. I'm not going to tell my partner because he's done enough, and I am not holding him back. He has had to put off buying a home for 3 years because of ME. I can't even talk to my dad or grandma because my brother again has the focus. In a way, I guess I'm a crappy person for being jealous he got free treatment and free medicine for a drug addiction and I can't get anything for something I didn't do to myself. My grandma is helping him get a car and a place to live, and all kinds of things - things she has done twice now. She paid for his first and second car, along with his college. I did that all on my own. She along with my father didn't even acknowledge me until my brother made his drug habit more obvious, and then they apologize. Apologize for putting me on a back-burner for 20 years and then they are proud of me for doing everything on my own. They love me now and I love them back, I like having a family now but it's not even real. They are only there because I allow them to be, I just wanted to show them what they did. They enabled an addict and I'm lucky to have been able to struggle but leave that place. I just wish I had the real ones to call now and tell them that I need help, but there's noone real in my life. They all have broken my trust and they are only here because I have nothing else without them. I just wanted someone to send a Christmas card to so my partners family didn't think I was some orphan. But now, I really need a family and I realize I don't have one. Well, I probably am pushing the character limit here but I needed to say that because I feel like I'm going to explode. Also, don't feel anything bad about the song I mentioned. It was just bad timing, it's a beautiful song. I'll link it below. I'm so very sorry for posting so much here, but I had nowhere else to go (sad, huh). If I broke rules, please delete it or edit it. I'm fine now that I typed it all anyway. It's like a free mute therapist. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi6_41G63ck Hopefully it stops 'snowing' soon. |
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ellie, don't feel sorry about posting. that is what we are here for. you have endured so much. there are resources for free meds. you have a dx. we have posted the links before and i know of members that this has saved them great pain. i'll find the links. the family stuff stinks. i can't give you advice to fix that. for my own well being, i have absolutly nothing to do with my toxic family. zip zilch nada. i refuse to let them into my or my children's lives. we are all healthier emotionaly. i have no regrets. your man loves you. he is an adult. he made the choice to love and take care of you. i doubt he will let you leave and make him choose something different. keep posting ellie. it hurts, but it helps to get it out. you are NOT alone. :hug: |
Ellie, curious is absolutely right about your "family"...they are toxic for you and you need to draw a line through their names. No wonder your pain level was so high yesterday. :grouphug:
You have every right to feel as you do....it's perfectly understandable. That fella of yours really loves you and that's what I'd concentrate on if I were you. If you're under an avalanche, we are going to start digging! That's what we are here for. |
Thanks, and I know about the family stuff. My father drank a lot and wasn't around much, and as a kid my Grandma was pretty mean to me. I never understood why, but for whatever reason I was immune to that. She had me sleep in a crib even though I was old enough to be in a normal bed (6 years old) and would do things like take stuff my mom sent with me (snacks) and give them to my brother. I still can't figure out why she didn't like me, I wasn't a bad kid. I was shy, that's about it. My father was just a typical drunk, but not mean. He was the standard happy drunk. After he and my mom divorced they just didn't want me around. I was stuck to my mom anyway, so it was fine.
I was hospitalized once for over 2 months and the only thing I got was one card, that my grandma signed and forged my dads name on. That was the most I got. Then a few years ago I found out my dad had cancer and didn't want things to end this way, so I took the step to patch things up. I know he felt bad, when he saw me he was shaking and kept crying. My Grandma, however, is emotionless unless my brother is involved and the times she cries is when she calls me because he hurt her. My father has apologized to me and makes it clear he regrets missing out on my life, but my Grandma is a bit more attached to her 'ways'. And that's fine, she's really harmless. I know deep down in their own ways the regret what they have done to me, but I know they wouldn't have cared as much if my brother would have been more of a 'success' versus an addict. I was second best to them, but I know I have always been the one with potential to make it and I have them to thank for leaving me on the side of the road. They are the ones that made me so tough, but in some cases it's not really a good quality to be so cold and immune to those things. What my family has done to me should have left bigger scars, and it almost worries me I've been able to brush off most of it and I fear that the day will come it will all surface and wreck me. It is easy for me to turn my back and walk away from everything, and to be honest, that's not good. Right now, the only thing that keeps me from giving up is my partner and my son - but it's also the same thing that makes me want to just give up because I am afraid to drag them down with me. I just want to be anything or anyone but me. It's kind of funny they say money can't buy happiness, but it really does. It buys health, and health to me is happiness. My health keeps me from living my life, my health is slowly taking my mind away from me. My health keeps me from doing things with my loved ones that I really want to do. And sadly, my health has a high price tag on it. I saw my specialist last week, and it was such a good feeling that everything had a name and to hear I could be 'cured' but also hearing I had a 'long road' ahead of me. The road is about 2 years long, that is 2 solid years of treatment that's not within any average persons income. Two years of grueling treatment and no promise of a cure, it may be longer. But, the doctor promised she'd fix me. I'm going to take the $12.00 in my bank and spend it on lottery tickets. I figure if I'm always the 1% to get some rare disease maybe I'll have the same luck with the lottery. Thanks for listening, and thanks for the reply. |
I'm not sure I agree with you about $$ buying health = happiness but I do understand why you would say that...you are living with pain and can't afford the cure.
You have two wonderful reasons to live and trust me when I say that whatever the circumstances of your life....those two want you to remain in it! Things never remain the same...they may change for the better or for the worse but they don't remain constant. I pray that your "lot" will improve. :grouphug: Now that old "stinkin thinkin" will want you to rush and say they can't get any worse. The glass is half full...you have two treasures in your life. And the lure of suicide is a cruel joke... Loved the song you posted....thank you. :grouphug: |
Hi Ellie,
Family is often either the best thing in the world or the most stressful thing to deal with.... sometimes it's best to close the door on those toxic people, but I know it is a hard choice. soft hugs to you :grouphug: |
Oh, don't worry. I've learned my lesson saying "things can't get any worse" from the many times I said it, and they did. I've gotten to a point where I just expect the worse, so when something turns out to be 'safe', I'm pretty excited about it.
I know I have people who love me, and I hate to think of hurting them in any way. I never imagined I'd think that and think seriously about it to the point I had even began to wonder if I should start preplanning my own funeral. The thoughts I had repulse me. I guess because I almost feel like a hypocrite, although it's a totally different scenario. I had the case of my brother, who wanted help to pay for drugs, alcohol or other 'bad' things but when I'd recommend rehab, he'd say he would rather kill himself. Or if you wouldn't give him money he'd say, "I'll just kill myself no-one cares about me". He's threatened me with that for almost 7 years now. The times I worried he would do it, is when he didn't say it - when he was silent. I never though that I'd get to a point in my life where I'd rather just be taken away, I felt and feel defeated. Like I let some negative entity win. I'm not a quitter, I've never been weak. I have weak moments, but I usually allow it to pass over and this moment is lingering. The feeling is bizarre, my chest feels like it has a lump in it and my pulse is all weird and then the crying thing isn't helping. I usually limit tears to once or twice a year and I haven't been able to stop since it started yesterday. The most terrifying thought in my life was picturing myself gone, and feeling like it was a good thing. I don't want to think that way, I just want to brainwash myself or something and get it out of my head and it keeps coming back. I feel like I'm crazy or something. I mean sure, I get depressed - everyone does, or so I hear. I want to live and I want to think living is a GOOD thing. I keep saying it but it won't s-t-i-c-k. I think I'm going to try and get away for the weekend and hope a change of scenery will help me, or at least give me a chance to refind myself and my normal methods of thinking and rationalizing. Right now, alone, I am not feeling rational and not feeling like I should even be alone. I'm going to take a bubble bath and try and loosen up my muscles before I turn into a giant knot. :O Thanks again for listening. |
Ellie, we all have had those moments and they are scarey. Just remember that what you really want, is for the pain to stop...not for your living to be over. We are here for you.
Enjoy your bath! :grouphug: |
and don't forget your coffee!
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j1...latemonkey.jpg i haven't forgotten about the links. grandmonkey has the flu..so you know what i have been doing. there are other resources for help on the lyme forum. i know sarahO has sources. pm her. just keep reaching out at these unbarable times. friendship does help us get past such high pain. :hug: |
I have gotten my medicines via https://www.pparx.org/Intro.php
or directly from the medicine companies themselves... Lilly, Pfizer, Novartis, and Roche just to name a few. The forms are easy... just fill them out, have your doctor fill out his section, attach a script, and send in... they will let you know pretty quickly if they will be able to help you out or not. I have links to just about all of the pharmaceutical companies programs if you can let me know which ones I will post them for you. (some of them are hard to find if you do a search... they tend to hide them in their sites) Best wishes!! BIG HUGS!!! :hug: Abbie |
((Ellie)) Bless your heart. I too think you need to cross off those toxic people in your life, not the least of which is your brother. I have no sympathy where he or they are concerned at all.
And yes it sounds like you have a couple of wonderful people in your life though I don't know details. I don't think you should be hiding how you are feeling from your significant other. Although...I understand it from the perspective of...you think other people are going to get really, reallyyyyyy tired of hearing the same old thing day in and day out.."I feel like crap." "I feel like crap." "I feel like crap." But I don't think your fella would want you to be hurting. I think you're the first person in here that has agreed with what I've said so many times before...that old saying that money can't buy happiness. Pooh! What happens when you don't have it??? Depression and so much more. Not askin for billions here, just to get by! I think we all understand how cruel life can seem when you can't make it, you're in pain (both pysically and emotionally), and don't know what way to turn. I'm glad Curious is finding you links about meds. One of my cousins has been a hopeless drunk, a smarty pants, committed umteen drunken driving offenses, lazy good for..NOTHING! And yet, my aunt and uncle think he's god's gift. They pay for his rent, pay his utilities. Well let me say it another way, there isn't anything that they don't pay for - and for god sake he's 39!. Now they are all just feeling so bad that he got caught drunk when he went to see his probation officer and that was the last straw...he's now in prison for awhile. I'm betting one thing...unless he sees the problem, acknowledges it, and gets therapy, he'll go right back to it and on day one. Toxic relations are just that...toxic, and the best thing you can do is cut them off. Say...I would be glad to give you my address if you'd like to add me to your Christmas card wishes and include me as family. Watch out, you may just have a landslide of Christmas cards next Christmas. :) :hug: :heartthrob: |
Ellie ...... I understand wishing to be an orphan. I understand epilepsy. I understand people deciding to kill you ........ I even understand wishing they would succeed.
Best of all - I understand being HERE, in this forum, listening to these kind people, holding their hands and hoping for hugs. |
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I Love You Guys and Gals
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Elaxil 10mg (I think it's mg) there's a lot of weird lines, shapes and squigglies that accompany it. #40, 3 refills. Topamax 25;50 (it looks like ig, but who knows?) It's an increasing dosage, which looks like it goes up to 150mg per day (50x3) Maxalt 10mg (it doesnt say anything else) I don't have the others yet as I have to take Artemisinin, get sick, have blood taken and then start Zithromax and Mepron. I don't know what they planned to change for the arthritis as after a month on Ultram ER they noticed overlooking it lowers seizure threshold and took me off of it but forgot a replacement. :( Quote:
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does anything happen to exist for help with medical procedures? Like ultrasounds and whatnot? My cyst grew 4.2 cm's from July 20th to November 2nd. I'm not sure if that's fast or slow in the cyst world (second one was 6 days after menses to make sure it wasn't a cyst I'm supposed to have). If that's about standard for a cyst I think I'm safe to skip it for a while. The one for my kidney, I personally think I'm OK with out it as the symptoms have resolved on their own. I didn't get my EEG but I see no use, I can tell them the results anyway. It will show something in a different lobe as last time, it's my 'thang' and normal for me. Then they would have ordered a MRI, MRA, Spect or Cat Scan to see if my lesion did anything or grew a buddy. Again, no drastic change in symptoms short of memory lapses, forgetting how to use basic things like the microwave, but I snap back into it. And that may just be stress knocking me out of sync. My main concern is my bloodwork because the last 3 showed the same problems with my IGA serum being consistently low, my iron % sat was low, and this other stuff she said was low again and may be something up with my liver (or something). I planned to try for the medi-CAL but heard they include household income even if you're not married. My partner makes too much (even though it's all used taking care of me and the house). Just getting there to apply is a pain because he's working during their business hours so I can't even get to the stinking place. :( It's frustrating, all I want is to get better. I don't want to be rich, or beautiful, or famous or anything. I don't even need to be cured but I'd like an 'off day' now and then or to at least be functional and productive. I don't want to get worse, and I keep getting worse. The part that is unsettling is I don't have to get worse, I can get better - it's just a rotten feeling when you know there's options out there but you have to buy them. Bah! Then I feel worse because there's people with something that can kill them, something that rapidly gets worse, yet they also don't get treatment and will likely die because of it. Then here I am soap-boxing and wanting to give up over pain, no matter how severe it is. I'm still alive, and my odds of this being fatal are pretty low. I know how they say alcoholism and addiction are 'diseases', but what bugs me is there's treatment for them. They have methodone clinics, and AA meetings and rehab and all sorts of these low cost and even free options. But I always find some block when I try and find something to cure what I didn't do to myself. I think that's what stirs up my anger towards my brother because he didn't even appreciate that he had free housing, free therapy, free medication, and all of these things to help him (compliments of tax payers) and got out to p*ss it all away. I certainly don't want to bash any addicts, or think I am better because of an avoidance issue. Honestly, I avoid alcohol because I know it's in my family and I know I stand a high chance of ending up the same way. I am in no position to judge, yet I have and will admit to that. It's not right at all, but some people are grateful for the help they are given and I have respect for those who are/were. Sadly, my brother isn't one of the recovering people I have respect for. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have probably avoided grass like the plague. No words can describe how much I'd love to wake up without the pain. I'd be happy with just one day a month at this rate. Thank you all again for listening, I feel like I have years of pent up aggression squishing me. :eek: I at least stopped crying! |
I don't know if your medicines are available through the manufacturer on their patient assistance programs it can't hurt to check...
Here are the links that I have: Elavil is made by: Astra Zeneca http://www.astrazeneca-us.com/content/patientAssistance/patientAssistanceProgram/ Generic name for Elavil is Amitriptyline it is on Wal-mart's $4.00 list. Topamax is made by Ortho-McNeil Neurologics, Inc: http://www.access2wellness.com/a2w/ Contact Information Physician requests should be directed to: They have a free Trial medicine offer right now...up to 42 of the 25mg tablets... I know this doesn't cover all that you need but it's a start. (not all states can get free pharmaceutical trials due to varying laws) http://www.topamax.com/topamax/index.html Maxalt is made by: Merck http://www.merck.com/merckhelps/patientassistance/home.html Patient assistance forms are on the left hand side of screen. I have found that I had GREAT response when my doctor called these companies... I hope these help you... :hug: Abbie |
:hug:Ellie:hug:
:( I hate that you are going thru this and I sure hope the sun shines and melts those snowflakes fast for you I dont have solutions, but I do have prayers, and they are being lifted for you ((((((((((((((((((Ellie))))))))))))))))) |
um...ellie.....them's not snowflakes. :o
http://dl6.glitter-graphics.net/pub/...lpqlbimo8w.gif hehehe |
ok.. i'm back... found...
Zithromax is made by: Pfizer: http://www.pfizerhelpfulanswers.com/pages/misc/default.aspx Mepron is made by: GlaxoSmithKline: http://us.gsk.com/html/healthcare/healthcare-coupons.html There you go hun... I hope those help... if you have any more just let me know... :hug: Abbie |
abbie..those would be great to put in the sticky on the medciations forum...:D
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I'll do that asap...
:cool: Abbie Done.... 8:46pm. hope that helps.... |
Abbie - can you find THIS ? Pretty please .....
For sure and positive (a newbie for me :o ) Topamax is now being sold as a generic ... that's brand new and I have no idea at all of the name, the manufacturer, anything but I am positive that it IS being sold. I think that just started the first of this month.
(((Ellie))) |
Wren....
I'm sorry... The Generic posting comment is for the Elavil. I was having a lot of trouble with the formating of that post. Though Topomax has been around since 1996 there is no generic available in the U.S. from what I can tell... (at least I can't find it) Generic versions are available in Canada and were FDA approved in September 2006---I just can't find if it has been made available. I'm sorry... I know how much it would mean to me if it were available in generic... :(:o Abbie |
Dear Abbie -- I'm not smart enough to post anything . My computer is steam powered.
Just a couple of weeks ago my pharmacy gave me the new generic Topamax without asking if that was what I wanted ....... A quick check of my prescriptions and that was replaced. My prescriptions include Topamax and Trileptal (and Relpax. a triptan like Maxalt) |
generic name for Topamax is topiramate.
I need to apologize... I was only going by what I was finding while doing seaches for generics. Everything I am finding is saying that the patent for Topamax has not expired in the U.S. therefore the generic is not available in the U.S. I called the pharmacy here and they don't carry a generic... couldn't even tell me if one is available... :( I'm sorry for the confusion.... Abbie |
Was your doctor OK with generics? I know a few brands where my doctor is very specific about not getting generic when it comes to AED's. I wonder why that is.
Thanks again for the replies, I'll check it all out thoroughly. |
There was a strange turn of events yesterday. My brother attempted suicide. I didn't ask how, nor do I want to know. I am guessing he was self-medicating and went overboard. Regardless, at least he took the steps that allowed my family to legally have him checked in somewhere against his will to get him the necessary psychiatric help he needs, as he can't beat his addictions when he's not mentally stable. It's leaning towards a diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder for him, and I'm not surprised in the least bit.
It's complicated to hold a grudge on someone who may or may not be aware of what they do. However, he is smart enough to concoct a lie and is a master of manipulation - so I think before his manic episodes and while he's not having them, he is at least somewhat aware of what he's doing. I just don't think his brain 'clicks' and lets him know there will be consequences to his actions. I only think/know that because I watch a lot of TV about people who are murderers, rapists, and other similar things along with people who are suffering from a psychological disorder. The show I watch does SPECT scans and other things clearly demonstrating actual 'brain damage' indicating the part of the brain that tells you (in simple terms) If you touch the fire it will burn you - so these people touch the fire because the 'it will burn you' part never was relayed to them. I have decided until he is being treated by a professional and is on medication, I will have no communication with him and have informed my family I do not want to be contacted regarding him unless it is to tell me progress. If there's no progress, I simply want to be left out. My father has disowned him, which I am not surprised as my brother threatened my Grandma and it was her who found him in his own vomit, and even laying there in that condition he still threatened her. She enabled him in many ways, and I am very sad for her, but this had to happen directly to her for her to finally grasp exactly what he's capable of. She was terrified to be alone with him, and unfortunately - that was a good thing. I try to keep his mental stability (or lack thereof) in mind, but it's hard to 'care' when he's threatening a small old woman who has done nothing but help him. I've never seen her cry without him being the cause, and I'm sick of it. This woman hasn't done anything to ever help me yet has spent thousands of dollars on him (not counting what he's stollen) and I still will defend her. I don't threaten people ever, but I told him yesterday (prior to the suicide attempt) that if he laid one finger on her, I'd kill him. I obviously wouldn't kill anyone, heck I doubt I could even hit him hard enough to phase him. I was angry though. Amazingly enough it's made it back to the point where my concerns came off of ME and went back to him, it's the second fiddle factor - again. I know now that he's messed up, again, they will love me, again. I'm trying to strengthen up enough to make it clear I don't essentially need their conditional love, not when loving me is only possible when it's convenient. Unless they show it, I'm going to start to burn some bridges and they should know I am fully capable of it - I've written off 7 family members already and I can do this without blinking an eye. I don't want to be a cold person because I am surrounded by them in my family, but in this one instance - I think my numbness is actually a good characteristic because I can't take anymore upsets. Anywho, that's about it. I just needed to blurt some stuff out. I slept well last night knowing my Grandma was finally alone in her house without my brother. I've told them all he's capable of hurting someone, and I think if the moment is right - he could kill. I wish they'd have listened to me and maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of control. I feel bad my grandma is probably traumatized from this, but maybe now she can use the last years of her life enjoying it rather than being used by my brother. |
Some lessons are just hard to learn...to stop enabling a family member is one of them. I'm so glad to hear of your progress Ellie...taking care of yourself should be number 1 on your list. :hug:
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((((((((((Ellie)))))))))))))
I am really sorry to hear of your brother but glad he failed and that he is somewhere safer, and also that your grandma is safe tho I am sad that this had to be the reason...yet I am glad it has changed the focus for you and your family. praying for you to feel God's love in a very special way today, and to remember too how much we all care about you:hug: much love Cheri |
Wow. Keep hangin in there ((Ellie)). You're a remarkable lady. :hug:
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i don't know what to say ellie...just (((((:hug:)))))).
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Please know that I'm sending you support and prayers ..... wishing you the best.
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