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I don't care anymore
NO, I mean it. I don't care anymore. I don't care if I walk this planet anymore. I don't care about nothing. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of not being heard. I'm tired of empty promises. I tired of being hurt. I tired of being me. I'm tired of people that don;t really understand.
I'm mad at God. I doubt that there is a God anymore. I don't know why he continues to let me go through this agony. I got well for this. I'm so well that the emotions are ready to explode inside of me. I'm tired of people being afraid of me because of how deeply I feel. Do I scare people away? Are they afraid because they don't know how to help? What did I do wrong? Why is it that it's always my fault? Why do I chase people I love away? What's wrong with me? Why don't I believe in myself? Why? Why? Why? I can't stand the pain anymore.... Where is my comfort? Tell me where? Please tell me... I want to know. |
I have to believe that you do care... at least somewhere maybe hidden deep inside of you.... you care.
Why do I say this? I've been in your shoes.... I'm still there... I say this because I know now that I wouldn't have posted the things in the past if I really didn't want to care or didn't want to be here any longer. Yep... It took someone else to point that out to me because I could not and would not see it.... I found out that God allows us to be mad at him.... TELL HIM!!! Yell at Him, SCREAM at Him... IT IS OK!!! God will NEVER give up on you!!! He hasn't given up on me... and I've given Him plenty of reason to!!! You asked: Do I scare people away? I found out when I felt this way... no, I wasn't scaring people away... people have a hard time understanding how we are feeling as they have 1. never felt the way we are feeling. 2. They have felt the way we are feeling and those feelings scare them. So they distance themselves due to their own fears. Are they afraid because they don't know how to help? Most likely... many people want to help...the just don't know how to reach out or what to say. What did I do wrong? My best guess is Nothing. Many people just don't know how to reach out and say they care. Why is it that it's always my fault? I know you feel this way.... I understand... but as a wise soul told me... nothing is ever ALWAYS or NEVER. Why do I chase people I love away? Sweetie... Love is a two way street... you can't chase away those that love you. It took me a long time...but I finally realized that for myself. What's wrong with me? Depression. Took me a long time to accept this in me too... Why don't I believe in myself? Low self esteem... hard for me too... WHY? WHY? WHY? That is a million dollar question. WHERE IS MY COMFORT?.... :hug: Here. We are all here for you!!!! WE CARE!!! Please keep talking... talking helps!!! :hug: Abbie |
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I know how it feels to be tired of trying, I often wonder why life has to be so hard so often? But I guess for me I see the pain and hardship as reminders to be thankful for the good times. Being hurt sucks but we all get hurt and thats how we find our strength to heal. It helps us appreciate those who lift us up and keep their promises. I often think how wonderful it would be to be someone else but then I remember that no matter how pretty someone else's life looks from the outside I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. As for God thats a tuff one, we come to our own beliefs about that. But I get angry at him too. Believing in yourself is not easy but with little steps it gets easier and eventually becomes natural. Don't be so hard on yourself it's not always your fault even when others tell us it is. Life is scary but it is also so rewarding. I hope you feel better soon and know I'm thinking of you! :hug::hug::hug: |
dear hope -
there is a God and God knows you very pizzed off -
so yell scream -ask God why? do what you need to do - I do know by experience that God will not strike a person with a bolt of lightening for yellihg at him -otherwise I'd be dead now - yesiree - I really gave God hell and for some reason - I am still alive, not always happy - not always feeling good, still have Parkinson's disease after 15 years - yet I have learned patient's is spelled patience - and the I dont cares become integrity... and running away from life became endurance... pizzed offedness becomes perserverance? I do not know how -except you must never ever give up that is called real life - we have been taught too many - BS happily ever after tales. :rolleyes: reality bites sometimes - but what if tomorrow is so much better - today is tomorrow, looking at it from a span of 15 years... love and peace, tena :hug: Quote:
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It's ok to feel like this Looking (like you don't have a choice) but it's not going to last forever. You need to count your blessings (how I hated that when my husband said it to me after Michael killed himself) But I know that he was right and inspite of all the crap I had a lot to be thankful for.
I know you want more out of life....if not your old job and life, a new and improved one. How to make that happen...how to change your circumstances...those are the questions to ask yourself. An attitude of graditude....after all you already have a flat butt! *grin Wallowing in the pain won't change it....I pray that something very positive will come along for you. In the meanwhile you just have to keep on truckin. And we'll carry you for a bit if that helps. :grouphug: |
I don't know what to say. I'm afraid to say anything. I'm afraid if I start I won't stop. I'm afraid if I let the pain out, you'll all run away. I can't stop crying. It hurts to much to feel. I wish I was still unfeeling. Life didn't hurt that way, but life didn't exist either. I don't think God made me strong enough or maybe he wants me weak, I don't know.
I try so hard. The harder I try the more alone I feel. I just don't understand. I have a very dear friend that I have known for about four years now. We met online and he told me that if it wasn't for me he would have gone through with plans for killing himself. He has brought me so much knowledge and love out of me through the years, that a lot of times I think that I wouldn't be where I am today, if it wasn't for him. I lot of the things I have learned I've learned from him. I guess I am in despair because I know life is hard for him too and yet I still pour my heart out to him about my life and he tells me he doesn't know what to say. I think anything is better than nothing. Quote:
******-offedness -- I thought that was a term I had coined. Yeh, I'm plenty ****** off and told God so last night. I even threw a chair across the room:eek: Don't mess with me in a dark alley :D If only I could take that anger and use it productively instead of turning it in on myself. I haven't figured out how to do that yet... And that is making me cry as I write this. *******
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I see I've really messed up the formating of this post and I'm too messed up to fix it. So, it is going to stay up like this ---- imperfect, like me :p Love, Hope |
WE LIKE IMPERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please feel free to say all that you need to say!!! I AM NOT NOT NOT going away!!!! Let the pain out!!!! I understand that it is hard... baby steps. You ARE stronger than you believe you are!!! You may not see it... you may not want to see it... So I will tell you that I see it in you!!!!!!!!! I believe deep inside your friend would love to help you but doesn't have the knowledge or tools to help you the way he would truly like to help!! :hug: BIG HUGS!!! Talk.... We are listening... If you need to SCREAM... we'll still be listening!!! Abbie |
not much i can add to the response you have gotten. but i'll try. :p
wellllll.....looks like you fit in just fine. we don't worry about spelling or formatting. boy howdy..i mess up the multi quotes all the time. don't even bother with it most times. just make new posts. :wink: givers and takers. som eof us are always in one role. some flip flop. but if your friend is always on the taker side ( doesn't mean a bad thing ) then he may not know how to be a giver. could be that he has always had someone step into his life to give him what he needs emotionaly. your friendship can keep growing. you just may have to find your emotional suport from others. like your friends here. that is OK. don't be afraid to let it out. i know a certain someone who i keep a tight hold of the end of her rope. she reaches out. it's hard for her...but my heart sings when i get her pm's. cuz she knows in her heart how much i care and love her. it may take a little time hope, but that certain person will be there for you too. or heck...we ALL will. :hug: |
Let it out and don't be afraid to tell us how your doing and feeling. We haven't run away yet have we? I doubt we will so trust that you can be yourself here. Yell, scream, kick your feet and tell God how you feel. He will understand even if your prayers aren't answered. He has the plan mapped out for you and you can trust it's better than you think. Hugs.
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{{{{{{{{{{hope}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm so sorry your in this place,as i have been there too many times myself... As curios as already said:I'm not sure if i can even begin to scratch the surface of what has been said here to you. What comes to my mind is:Think of the things you have said to your friend.When he was feelin like this!! Treat yourself as you would a best friend... Try and replace ANY negative thought you have throughout the day with a good one! Even if it's something small.We are what we surround ourselves with.{in other words we all live inside our own heads}Hope that made sense..It will take some practice to change those negative words to positive,but i have faith in you!,but please just try it... Write it out if you need to.I highly doubt anyone here will slam you for venting and letting go here... You are in my thoughts and prayers...:grouphug: |
Did you ever have one of those days where you walk around and feel like you have a sign over your head that says "Defective?" You look at the ground like you're afraid someone will see you. Well, that's how I felt today when I went out. It's no fun. And I'm sure it's not helping any that I am in the middle of a med change. Going down on Lexapro and switching to Zoloft for now. I like my NP that I am working with and I have faith that we'll get it right but it takes time. And time is what I feel I am running out of.
As far as being a giver or a taker is concerned, I think all of us are either or the other at time in our lives. If anything I think my friend is a giver more than anything and at times, I know he has felt depleted by giving too much. I know he is experiencing a lot of personal challenges right now and he probably doesn't have anything to give. I've given when I've been able and he has given when he has been able. I guess I have to accept that we are both on the needy side and can't be there for each other. This too shall pass, I hope. Quote:
****** Quote:
****** You know, when I said, "I don't care," it's more like I give up. I dunno, that's all I can say for now. I'm tired. Love to all, Hope |
Hang in there and we'll be here when you need to talk. I love the "You're life isn't spinning out of control, you're on God's potter wheel." How perfect.
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I can't get control of myself. I feel like a failure. I'm sorry.
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Dear
Looking for hope The feeling that you 'can't get control of yourself' is our mind's way of saying i give up, i'm tired, exhausted, I havn't got the strength, Its also our mind saying relax, draw breath, be still, be patient. When we truly stop and listen to our inner being we here, forgiveness, support, resiliance, hope, and desire to be at peace with our self. Sadly amongst all the confusion of life we rarely stop and listen to our inner self. To overcome adversity we have to overcome obstcles, by overcomming the obstacles we reach our goals. [ when we reach our goals always set new ones then you know your truly alive and in control of your own life] If you let go of who you are, you become the person YOU want to be. DEPRESSION is cycle of self doubt, but have no DOBUT it can be controlled , so that we can learn to manage it, and live a life hopefully with more sunlight in it I truly wish you peace of mind ,and the courage to overcome your obstacles, and just to remind you I care.:hug: David |
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Just keep talking.... One is only a failure if they do not try.... |
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http://members.aol.com/southflorida77/hugs.gif Sometimes HUGS can say more than WORDS can - sending a lot of HUGS to you! |
Just a quick note to you looking...
I wonder if you have ever taken a really warm bath lately. It slows yourself down and is very soothing. I used to take warm baths awhile back. It is a way to ground yourself as well. I am sorry. ((((HUGS)))) bizi |
Calgon "take me away" never worked. I would still get out of the bath and have every problem still staring at me in the face.
I guess we all must find our own avenues of "take me away" and then realize the problem is still there and put it in perspective. I do know that sunshine does help! Bizi, if you could spread a little more of that around................. This has been the longest winter of my life! I have a hornet stuck to my screen door tonight. Is spring coming? New hope for everyone! Tender care |
We do whatever works for the moment. If we can't stand looking at the long road then it's back to the baby steps and the realization that there are no quick cures....do one hour at a time and set one small goal (clean the bathtub, scrubb the kitchen floor or just wash one window) but finish that job. It's a start. Wallowing doesn't help...been there, done that and it's a no winner. :grouphug:
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Alffe, I know you are trying to help... But telling me I am wallowing in self-pity does not help. It's akin to telling me to buck up and get over it.
Love, Hope |
It's all in the definition my friend. Would it help if I said...poor you, life is so unfair to you...no one has ever had a worse time of it or felt like not going on or....well, you get the picture.
I care, you may not like my advice but I have a lot more years on this trip than you do and I'd like to see you try to help yourself. Hugs for the room...and that includes you Looking. :grouphug: |
No, I don't want your pity...
You may have more years on me but you haven't been in my shoes, so as the saying goes "Walk a mile in my shoes before you tell me how I should be feeling." I am where I am and I am doing the best that I can, even if you don't think it is the right thing for me. Sorry to be so blunt. Love, Hope |
Something good happened
Something good happened for a change! I met with a new job developer/employment specialist and I think she is really good and is exactly what I need. I am hoping good things will come from this. I am very hopeful about this! :D
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Yeah Looking4hope!!! Have a great day!
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I think we all have tried to respond to you with suggestions that might help you feel better...might make you try a new way of looking at things. If the shoe is begining to pinch you need a new pair! And I am not going to beat a dead horse! Love, Alffe |
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Boy, Looking, just the med change alone is enough to give a little (or big) punch to your world. I'm beginning the process myself of changing meds and am doing it veryyyyyy slowly. I think everyone needs to be careful when dealing with antidepressants. |
Looking4hope
The title of your thread reminded me of a time back in the 80s when I felt my world was falling apart. When I felt overwhelmed, I'd crank up this song and hold my head up in total defiance and allow myself to express that emotion. Once it was out, I'd realize I really do care. :rolleyes: However, that song helped give me the strength and focus I needed in order to make the appropriate adjustments in my life. I found it was okay to direct that song at God too when I was angry with him - I never got struck by lightening. :cool: I hope things work out with the employment specialist, but just in case you still don't care, I'm giving you the song. Go ahead - crank it up and stick your nose out at God :p I'll be over here in the corner, just in case lightening strikes you. :D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6KMYms8is0 |
(((Kathy))) Dear friend, you're just the best. :hug:
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((Looking)) I hope you are on an upward swing. How is your med change coming along? I'm doing pretty well so far, but doc has me starting on one, getting me used to it, then will slowly bring me off the Cymbalta. He knows me berrrryyyy well.
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Thanks everybody again for your understanding. :hug:
Alffe, I am sorry that you are mad at me. I can't apologize for what I said because it was true, it didn't help. I feel bad that you felt that you had to come back and defend yourself. But it felt like you were rubbing my face in it. That I said this... and I said that... And you weren't going to beat a dead horse. That sounded like an insult to me and it hurt a lot. It made me feel like it's not OK to come here and vent my feelings whether they be rational or not. I know what you originally said to be true but it all hit me the wrong way and at the wrong time. I've stayed away on purpose but I consider you a friend and friends don't let things ferment. Yeh, I guess I did take things the wrong way, but things like this happen when emotions are running high. I'm sorry that this happened and I hope we can move past it. :hug: And I hope I can let this thread die. Love, Hope |
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