Almost 60 and STILL Wrestling with My Childhood!!!
 

Why??? Sometimes I wish I could have a lobotomy so I would stop reliving the misery of my growing up years. I keep rehashing the same old hurts and mental torture my Mother put me through. I wish it would STOP!!! http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/3...nnyladygl9.gif All the bad advice and things she Pushed me into that Ruined my life. I am living now the results of all her meddeling and manipulation. How can I ever find any Peace??:o I don't want to keep thinking about all this stuff. I have been in councelling on and off all my life but enough is ENOUGH!! I don't want to think about this anymore nevermind TALK about all of it again so some other person understands where I'm coming from. I just want to forget about ALL of it and move forward but I seem to be held back by it all.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
No answers... just hugs!!!

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Abbie

Sounds like classic PTSD....I understand. Don't know if counsiling would help...I'm trying it.

Thank you A, I guess it's all just coming to a head right now. I want to go out and be , I can't really SAY MORE social, I am NOT social at all. I never SEE anyone, I just stay by myself all the time. I feel like I am afraid all the time. There is so much hurt and rejection out there AND Danger. It's not SAFE to go out anymore. Even just going to the grocery so many things can happen. Car troubles, other drivers, muggings, target of random violence. And all this stuff isn't just in my head either, it HAS happened to me already. I walk around scowling half the time and I think my neighbors are afraid of me. But I am scowling because I am usually upset about something. You try to go out and make aquantences and nobody trusts that you are just being friendly. It's like you are some kind of threat to them. I am like this too but no one trusts anyone anymore. Everything seems to be So difficult. I love living alone, for the first time in my life but I am turning into a recluse, a hermit, that wierd old person kids make fun of.

I remember there was this old woman who lived in my neighborhood when I was growing up. EVERYONE talked about her. Her name was Millie. I had NEVER actually SEEN her but Man, the talk and stories that went around about her, I still remember that. Her house was one of the nicer ones in the neighborhood. She had beautiful gardens all around her big house and a picket fence around the whole thing. But everything was overgrown so it gave this Eerie feeling to the place. I understand now how she must have felt. She lived alone and had no children or visitors. That poor woman. :( I feel bad for her, well, did feel bad. I just couldn't understand WHY everyone talked about her the way they did. She never did anything to anyone, she was just THERE. One day, when I was a little older I DID see her outside. It was summer and she and her cat were watering her plants with a watering can. The backyard was adjacent to the beach, my beach. I went up to the fence and said hello to her. She looked very surprized that someone was actually talking to her. She sort of stuttered but smiled at me and said hello back. I don't remember what we talked about, just small talk, chit chat. She told me about her cat and what it's name was. I saw her a few more times outside in her yard after that and each time she waved at me. She eventually invited me into her house for cookies and milk. She was NOT the Ogre people had made her out to be at all. She showed me pics of her dead husband and her children who also were dead. She had no one. She was SO lonely and alone. I visited her a few times after that until one day I went to see her and the house was emptied out and locked up. Obviously, she had died, but me being just a kid I couldn't figure out what happened and no one else knew anything either. :(

As I said earlier gj. I don't want to rehash the past anymore, it serves me no purpose but to dredge up old hurts and pain. I would leave the therapist and be upset for days afterwards and I just couldn't continue to put myself through all that anymore.:o

(((Wiix))) Counseling is not for everyone. Sometimes our bad memories of the past need to just stay in the past. The more we drudge them up the worse they seem to become.

I think sometimes the biggest hurdle to get over is to forgive ourselves. When bad things happen we tend to feel some sort of guilt even though we were not the ones that did wrong. We feel we must have done something wrong to deserve what we got. Forgive yourself and then start building from there.

Look at the good that you have done, despite your home life. What you did for that lady was remarkable. By your kindness and willingness to accept her, you must have made her so happy and filled some of her lonliness. Remind yourself of that and see if there is some small thing you can do to help someone else.

While there is a lot of bad out there, I find there is more good when you really take a look around. I have an old notebook that I would write in about only good things. When things get to me, I read it and sometimes add to it. Additionally, when things get to me, I write it all down. Then I tear it up and throw it away. I feel so much better after that.

I hope you find you way through all of this. Sending you lots of cyber:hug:'s.

Thank you t. It makes me feel better to talk about this stuff. This isn't really what you'd say to a therapist, that you Really don't want to be here and talking to YOU!! :eek::D

I think about things, I mean Wierd stuff. But I also have come to some realizations about myself. I am lonely sometimes but on the whole I find people to be very difficult to be around. I can't relax with people and just be myself. If I have a guest over I feel like I should be waiting on them hand and foot and just wearing myself out and it turns into an unpleasant experience for me so I don't do it anymore.

I don't think I actually HAD the normal childhood. From the time I could stand at the sink I had to do ALL my mother's housework. I wasn't allowed friends or to go out anywhere. Everything was Just housework. She worked and travelled alot and I had to pick up HER slack. I feel now that was very unfair of her to do that to me. My thinking is all screwed up. HER social life was More important to her than I was and now I am hardwired to think all I am supposed to do is Housework, Everyday, All day. I have NO social life whatsoever and I don't know how to fix this. :(

You know, I don't ever remember having any tender memories of me and my mother. I don't ever remember her hugging me or saying she loved me. It has left a terrible hole in my heart. I did have 2 brothers and one sister but they were older and had moved out by the time I was 5. I was a very lonely little girl and now I am a very lonely big girl.

Just sending hugs. :hug: The past has a way of rearing it's ugly head doesn't it? This sounds much like PTS and like stated, counselling isn't for everyone. I wish you the best to come to terms with your past. You were not at fault for what happened and once you can forgive your mother (hard, but possible) you can then forgive yourself and move past the past. :hug:

I understand....I'm in that dilemma too....brings it all forward....'They' say the therapy is supposed to make it go away....but really....the past is what it is...will always be there, who we are....

I loved your story about the old lady...we all had them I'm sure. I'm alot like you...I have only one real friend that I see, and it's only for lunch now and again. We mostly talk by email :rolleyes:

What I think I've done is build a wall around me for self preservation...I turn on the news and it truely is a bad place out there. What I've found is that misery will find its way in, regardless of how hard we try to avoid it. I'm like a Trouble Magnet! I hope you feel better....:hug:

I just took a shower and all the while I was thinking about the chain reaction of events in my life that all stemmed from what my Mother did. My life would or could have been SO much better if she hadn't done what she did. and me being just a kid I went along with it. My own daughter is just like her and fought me tooth and nail about Everything. She took off from me when she was 18 and maybe that is what I should have done with my mother, just got as far away from her as I could but things didn't work out that way. I got Trapped in something and got stuck there. I didn't have enough sense of self to have a Self preservation Mode to go into. I just got trampled. I HATED my life. Sometimes I actually do think Why was I ever put on this Earth. I try to be positive but I think anyone who is Normal would be feeling this very same way if my life had happened to them.

I had this friend, a woman, about 10 or 12 years ago. she was quite a bit older than me, about 30 years. She was in her 70's when I knew her, very active and also drinking daily. She would call me late at night crying about the things her mother did to her when she was little. She just couldn't forget either. She was chained to either a radiator or one of those heavy old table model sewing machines for days at a time.

Last I heard, she has passed away. But not before she burned her house down while drunk. This wasn't the first time either. She often talked to me about offing herself so I have my suspicions this may have been a suicide.

3 of my old friends have died in the past year. I am feeling it today for some reason.

This friend I just talked about was a writer and poet. She had a real gift and has been published. She lost much of her work in the first fire. I guess that might have really affected her. RIP my friend. :(

Wow, ((((((Wiix)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...rtomorrows.gif

You've just written what I've been thinking for years now -- I've spent all this time changing myself to be what my Father would "approve of" and he still didn't like me. I've spent my whole life running from pain and hurt and protecting myself from ever getting hurt again (my Brother committed suicide when I was 22) and **THIS** is what I end up with??

SHI*!! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...GRY/14_6_5.gif

It sucks that we didn't have the instruction manual before we started out on this journey, doesn't it :o

My doctor keeps asking me if I want to see a psychiatrist. **NO!!** I'm done with that. I've taken every single drug and done every single program that has ever existed since time began. I want somebody to show me how to have fun and laugh and stomp in the puddles and skinny dip. I want to do all the things that I missed because I was too damn busy BEING GOOD.

I need a mentor (or a machine that will turn me into a teenager again) so I can do a *DO OVER*!!

You're not alone, Wiixie, there's TONS of us out here.

BIG HUGS.

Barb :hug:

What a relief to actually read someone else feels the exact same way I do. I always tried So damn hard to do the Best I could with everything but always seemed never to live up to anyone's expectations. Even when I did it right, the timing was wrong, or I was too fast or too slow. Always SOMETHING wrong with everything I did even when it was perfect.

Once, when I was married, I picked out this beautiful wallpaper for OUR bedroom. I put it up myself. I went slowly, matched every seam perfecrly. The patterns lined up Perfectly. The tops and bottoms were trimmed perfectly. It was straight, no bubbles anywhere and it was 100% PERFECT. He came in and said something like "What a mess. A Monkey could have done a better job." :( I re-examined every panel and couldn't find a fault anywhere. It WAS Perfect.

I was baffled at this reaction from him. I looked at that wallpaper for years until we moved, Probably 10 years and I was always looking for the spot where I screwed it up and never could find it. His words stuck in my head everytime I was in my room looking at it. I LOVED the paper, it was beautiful. Pink, blue, lilac and yellow flowers on vines on a white background. I tore myself up over that for years always looking for my mistakes but could never find them no matter how hard I tried. I actually caught myself crying over this once or twice since something beautiful and perfect to me was jaded now. I had mixed feelings when I looked at it. Pleasure mixed with shame that I didn't do it right. Sort of sounds like my life in a NutShell. :o All that effort only to receive disapproval.

When I came out and asked him years later what Exactly was wrong with it, he looked and looked and looked then left the room without a word. Words stick in my head like that so when I finally asked him after years had passed I never got an answer. People can be so mean and miserable. :mad: By the way, he was an Engineer.

Wiix,

The past does seem to haunt us.

For me, I had to leave it. How? By going forward.

I know that as you get older it does come back to haunt you, a dear older friend of mine is having flashbacks that are downright scary right now. My grandmother had to deal with some really bad stuff before she died.

You sound a lot like my father. He was always so much happier teaching my kids and other people. I wished he had been more active in some sort of teaching before he died.

Wiix, try volunteering doing something you love. You can be helpful to someone. Don't need to have a personal relationship with them. You are very intelligent, I can tell from your writing.

Why don't you help with the adult illiteracy program in your area? You'll be assigned a person that you can meet in a library or some place else that will be conducive to your work.

Join a telephone after school homework network....you have internet....you'd be exercising your mind too!

If you like the elderly, what about volunteering at a nursing home? Ask to be buddied up with someone who doesn't have closeby relatives or friends. That might be really wonderfully rewarding for you.

Sometimes reaching out to others is the best remedy for our own misery.

I wish you peace.

I've DONE all that you suggested. I want something else. I want a friend. ONE friend I can count on. A friend like I had when I was a teenager. Doesn't need to be romantic, just a friend, in person, not just online friend. I need another human. All I talk to are my lizards. I need some human compnionship. I need someone to talk to and do things with. How can a person in a world of Billions not have a relationship with ONE person. This just is Insane. It's like the cosmos has conspired to keep me alone until I die. I have been basicly alone for almost 20 years now and it's REALLY starting to get to me. It's not like I'm asking for the Moon, just ONE friend. :(

Wiix I feel for you. I've been where you've been, so I feel your pain. The pain I went through was both mental and physical, but I understand how you can still hurt so long after the fact. I still have the occassional nightmare after 25 years!

You can find friends in cyber space (and I have the most special, the most loving, the most wonderful cyber friend you could ever imagine), but I doubt a cyber friend would fill your need. My guess is you need a 'person' friend.

It took me a very long time after I'd come to terms with my own "problems" before I had the courage to venture out into the big bad world, but venture I did....very slowly!

It's a case of finding something you like. Go with your diagnosis maybe (for me it's MS), and just turn up to a meeting of people who have the same problem. Even when I eventually went to my first MS meeting, I just sat in the corner and didn't speak.

Try a sport or a hobby that takes your interest. For me it was 10 pin bowling ..........nobody laugh please 'cos I'm deadly serious!

I loved it, so I'd play all by myself. Game after game, week after week. Eventually I started to feel less self conscious when people spoke to me, and eventually (after a long time) I took up an offer to join a league. The rest is history, 'cos I met my DH there, and we now live happily ever after .....

Our 20 year wedding anniversary coming up this October 29 .

There....you have most of my life history! I only hope my baring my soul to you has helped a bit Wiix.

PS. I probably should have said that I'm close to your age as well.

I'm so sorry, Wiix. Huggggsssss to you! :hug::hug::hug:

Yes, I too have a special online friend who is very loving. We talk on the phone everyday, went send each other gifts through the mail, BUT, I KNOW it can't go anywhere. We have sent pics of each other but, you KNOW when what you have with that person is all it can ever be. A cyber relationship is different than a real life one. It is something different. If you try to change that then you lose what it is. Real life and cyber ARE different. what we have is special for what it is but it can't be something it's not. I realize that and have told him I don't want anymore than what it is. he knows that and doesn't ever bring it up.

Bowling?? Hahahaha, not me. I am in the Mid-West and all they have are the Huge ball bowling. I tried it once and hurt myself and there was some collateral damage to the alley and a few spectators. ROFL. No, bowling is NOT my thing.

I have thought about WHERE I could go and just hang out. I am not the hanging around kind of person though and Dating Services, NAA, just more Meat Market Style. If I met someone that way you KNOW he'd still be doing that even if he said he wasn't. Men who troll those services don't stop. They are always looking for something better and there IS always something better out there just waiting to scoop him up. I just KNOW too much about how men think.

I do Love the water though. I go to the beach a lot during the summer but I always go someplace secluded. I do EVERYTHING that works against meeting people. That's just my nature. Then when I don't meet anyone I can't understand why I am alone all the time. I AM my own worst enemy in that reguard.

I find that the things that just Happen and that aren't planned are the things that change your life. I am a spur of the moment kind of person. Both times I was married, I met the men by chance. Not that they were anything to write home about, they were BOTH abusive drunks after a while.

Thing is I LOVE living alone but sometimes I sort of wish I had someone here. Just to talk to or cook with or watch a movie or go for a walk.

I am an older person, yes, but people are puzzled by the way I look. I don't look or act my age. I don't FELL old. I feel like a teenager inside. I find that IF I am around people my own age then I feel old. Most people my age are or should I say, not their fault, min you, they act like they are about to die. I mean, they are at their doctor's every month. They take all kinds of drugs and seem to be very unhealthy. The more they go to the doctor the more complaints they seem to have. They are always getting surgeries, new hips, new knees, things like that. They seem to be brainwashed into thinking they NEED all these surgeries when they don't just allow nature to heal themselves. I've been told I needed a new knee OR get off it for a year, which I did and it's fine.

See, people have injuries. The doctors take advantage of these times and tell them they need new parts when if they just allowed themselves to heal, it'd be alright. But no, they take pain pills, keep on doing what they were doing, make it worse, reinjure the parts, back for more pain pills, more tests and finally end up in surgery. See, I just won't buy into all that brainwashing.

I know, people don't want to hear this BUT I see people my age all crippled up. Kidneys burned out from drugs, using walkers and canes and it just breaks my heart to see this.

Well, this is interesting.

Our pasts do live within us to the extent we want them to. I had a pretty nice childhood, but certainly how we are brought up does reflect our lives later to one extent or another.

If you don't let go of your mother's power over you then she is always the winner. Aren't you worth something all by yourself?

I think about people who were POW's and how they (some of them) move on. Some do not; they cannot let go.

I can't say why that is.

I'm sure counseling makes you revisit your childhood to the extent you are uncomfortable. However, your childhood is past and you are now free of that and can move on. What do you want to move on too?

Yes, the world can be scary and also critical. You have to be aware of your surroundings and take some precautions, but if you stand back and think for awhile you will know when to take a step in the right direction.

Keep your faith in yourself; don't place too much faith in others being perfect. They are not, so if you tend to think someone is you might be disappointed.

I know someone who always jumps in and then always gets burned. This person tends to see people she admires in a glowing aura and then if they step out of the glow she gets discouraged and down on them.

Think of taking little steps, not big leaps. You are owed nothing to compensate for the bad childhood so move on from it as best you can. Learn a way to banish bad memories by replacing them or the urge to think of them with a pleasant though. Even if it's thinking about eating a piece of your favorite chocolate or the scent of a beautiful rose.

Don't be unsocial. At least try being friendly, try having fun. Do something entirely for others without expectation of reward.

Good Luck.

Tootsie

YES, you do. I bought a gun 2 years ago and it is closeby at all times. I can't carry it unless it isn't conceled but then people look at you funny. Seems the laws NEED a ReDo. Criminals carry guns all the time and they are OUT THERE waiting for opportunities. I NEVER thought I would own a gun but here I am. :o

I AM friendly but it seems to repell people. :(

My First love is animals. Maybe I should look into the animal shelter here in town. I wouldn't mind taking care of them a few hours a week. But still, that's not really being social BUT I may meet other people like myself there. :confused: probably adopt a few new pets too while I'm at it. :winky:

Ah HA! there you go!! THat is a wonderful wonderful idea! Animal Shelter, join a foster program for animals, volunteer at a nearby veterinarian's... start a dog sitting service where you dogsit for people on vacation....

I think when you start focusing on living in the now, the past will hide it's ugly head. And the friend you want so bad will surface.

I thought about you today. Maybe a life coach would make more sense for you than a counselor. Life coaches work on the NOW and help you with skills you need now....(and don't tell me you have done that!)

Peace.

I think animals are a wonderful link to meeting people and they are such wonderful companions.

Now, having said that....I think a cute dog or cat, not a monkey, wild cat or skunk:eek: Just kidding. I'm sure you know I was thinking of something domestic.

You can care for it and take it for walks. That way you get healthy exercise and might just meet someone.

Also...wondering... why in the world are you carrying a gun? Where do you live (inner city/bad neighborhood).

IF you take normal precautions you won't likely need a gun.

The things you see on the t.v. and read about in papers are not everyday occurances. They are the extraordinary news items. Yes, you cannot go around unaware of your surroundings and just think you are immune to being harmed, but neither should you figure you are a target all the time.

Tootsie

Yes, I have. :winky:

I'd LOVE a Monkey. :D

Well, if you aren't aware of what it's like out there, well, you haven't been convinced yet that this country, and most of the world, is in Serious trouble. And it's only getting worse. Yes, I do live in the inner city but not in Da Hood. But it is close by and they Migrate. It doesn't matter where you go or live, crime is all around us and it's better to be prepared than dead. :hug: I've had quite a bit of trouble with that certain "Element" over the past few years. All it takes is that ONE time when some idiot wants to rob or hurt you and pulls a gun and it's OVER for you in an instant. It happens everyday, you should read the newspaper or online news or watch t.v. news. I am not imagining this, it's REALLY happening. I have some sort of nasty encounter almost everytime I go out. It doesn't matter where I go, there it is. In my car, at the grocery, at the library, at a gas station, a drug store. It really doesn't matter where you go THEY go there too. They are even robbing Churches now and they are targeting Everyone. All you need to be is in the wrong place at the wrong time ONCE and you CAN be their next victim. Don't kid yourself that it can't or won't happen to you someday out of the blue. It happens everyday, even in our homes, SOMEWHERE.

The elderly are being tageted MORE now than ever too. Easy Prey. Weak and with money. :( And not just robbery, Rape too.

wii, the rescue places always need foster families for pets. you would meet people in a low key setting. not in big groups.

you can find the rescues in your area ( these are not shelters...you wil find different type of rescues for different breeds even. ) at www.petfinder.com

just about any kind of animal you can imagine.

:hug:

I accidently deleted my post about guns....oopps! Sorry :o

I think, in general, most people don't consider the state of the world we live in. I avoid the gloom and doom forcasting, however...you are right on with your thoughts, IMHO.

Until you have been face to face with a terror, it's easy to pretend its not there. People often think "It can't happen to me" with anything from pregnancy or STD's, to the more morbid things such as murder.

Having, knowing how to use, and being prepared to use a weapon is a personal decision. You don't pull a gun out and say "stop or I'll shoot"....You just pull the trigger until it's empty...of course this is what you'll learn in a gun class.

For me? I'm not going down without a fight. It's in my nature....of course, I suspect most would think that about an Alaskan, and they would be right ;)

It takes a Special breed of man to live in Alaska. Self sufficient, confident, and maybe a bit of a Rebel. :winky: I considered moving to Alaska until I did some research and realized how remote it is. maybe IF I was with another person a move wouldn't be so out of the realm of possibility but alone, nope.

And yes gj, so many people live in their little world and don't really know what is going on all around them. Those people are the most vulnerable. I wish I wasn't so aware but my experiences have taught me to Pay Attention. Having a gun doesn't make me less afraid or even more confident with the fact that someday it MAY save my life. I am NOT ever looking forward to having to use it but it's there. Like I said, we don't have a CC law in affect here, and I don't know WHY they are dragging their feet on this, the average citizen NEEDS to be able to protect themselves especially we older folk who are the Most vulnerable to attacks. :o

GRIN :D I'm a woman LOL!! :D

We used to have concealed laws, but they were abolished a few years ago. Anyone can carry, anytime...except federal and state buldings. Anchorage and the surrounding area's are very populated (as well as Fairbanks and Juneau) but yes, the rest of the state is mostly accessable only by Bush Plane :eek:

I never think about my gun either. I know its there. Only one time did I "THINK" about it. I was driving between Anchorage and an outlying town, and a bunch of drunk men started harrassing me (my DD was about 8 and with me) and I was scared.

They kept slowing down in front of me tyring to force me to stop...so I'd pass them, and then they would tail gate me. Finally, the last time and about 2 miles from Anchorage city limits (this went on for about 10 miles), they actually stopped in front of me...I pulled out my gun....brandished it....and sped up doing about 90 mph....As soon as I got to town, I stopped and called police...I was shaking. I would have used it and was prepared to that day. The point is, I was carrying and they wern't and it stopped them from catching back up to me. I wondered for that first 10 miles if they were carrying....I suppose the answer came when they backed off after I showed them that I meant business.

Thankfully, I've never picked it up since...it just sits there....waiting for the next fool to take a chance with the wrong girl.

And all this time, I'm thinking you are male. :eek::p

LOL Wixx!
My Daddy used to call me that (GJ) cuz I liked to watch Captain Kangaroo...and my name is Jeannie :hug:

Too funny :)

EDIT: I came here and found me one of "those men" :D

Well, think of this. We, as a world, live longer than ever before. So even if THEY are out there they must not have an easy job of eliminating us.

Do you think it was an easy life when man was first on the earth, trying to hide in caves and fight off wild animals who saw him as food.

Or when the Vikings or the Hun or any number of conquering and threatening barbarians roamed the world looking for conquest?

So, now, we have shelter and law enforcement and many other things to protect us.

No you have no 100% guarantee that you or I will not be targeted.

However, if you jump at every shadow you will be so fearful you will see danger where it doesn't exist.

Life has risk to it.

I'm sorry you are so frightened. I can see what might make you feel that way, but try to lighten up a bit and go out and enjoy what you can. No one can protect you 100% . Just take precautions and don't look for danger everywhere.

I'd move if I were you. Mayge a small town or a secure apartment?

My mom and dad moved into a Senior apt. at 55 (HUD) and it was great; totally self contained for the most part. They even had a guard! They went out when they felt like it. They had a handicapped tag so they could park close to stores and such.

I always look around me when I park at the mall or the local shopping area.

I even know enough to go out when others go out of the store so I'm not wandering alone. I keep my keys handy and with one between my fingers and I would use it to deter anyone who bothered me.

I lock my doors and do the sensible stuff. That's the best way to handle these things. Do what you can, but don't become housebound.

Find things to love and enjoy. You don't have to go babbling off like an idiot who thinks everything is rosy, but everything is not black either.

I wish you well.

Tootsie