Why do I even Care?
 

Oh, Brain, you care because you're good people. It's human to care, and despite the zoo in which you live, you are really one of us.

It is a dilemma for sure, and you're right, there is no easy answer. I won't bore you with the usual lecture about how many couples wait for a chance at adoption, but I am curious about whether it is something she has/would consider. Many couples can give her a financial boost during the pregnancy if the circumstances are right.

I wish I knew the answer, I'd give it to you for free. Is there a story in all this for you to give the world?

I'm not in your shoes.. nor in you ex-dil's...

I just know that my best friend and her hubby are trying and wanting a baby so bad.... that the thought of abortion just chokes me up.:(


I'm not saying it's right or wrong.... that's not my choice to make...


I'll just sit back and send up prayers that your ex-dil receives the strength to do what's best for her. Also, sending up prayers to help you find strength to do whatever it is that you need to do.

:hug:
Abbie

You want to know if you should tell her not to have an abortion.

Tell her NOT to have an abortion. Tell her that there are thousands of people who would take that baby in a minute, and love it to death.

All of my friends have adopted. All of them.

Many of them could not have kids, so they went the adoption route.

One of them had an abortion when she was young, and found out later that she could not have any more kids. So she adopted.

If anyone would have asked me if abortion is right or wrong 30 years ago, the old Melody would have gone on and on about it's a woman's body, and it's a woman's right, and it's legal. Yeah, I know.

But (and this is only MY opinion), your ex DIL should have been using birth control, I mean, what was she thinking???

But honestly, because there are other options, I think it's perfectly fine to run it by her that she can give this baby to a loving home.

I remember my friend (30 years ago), who had had a miscarriage. She tried to adopt so many times. She met up with a guy who demanded $20,000 up front. She brought her diamond earrings. She gave him her diamond earrings. She went back the next day and the whole office was gone. He had set up a scam and took her for everything she had. She didn't care. She just wanted a baby. She finally adopted one and I'll tell you, that was the happiest thing I ever experienced.

She would call me up at 7 a.m. and say "Melody, there's an apple in bed with me". I would say "are you out of your mind? (this was a Saturday). She would say 'come and bring bagels".

I would get up, bring over some bagels, and she'd get out the cream cheese, and there I was on the floor with her son, rolling this big ball. She got him at 3 months old. He was the chubbiest little thing.

Why am I against abortion?? Because I saw the film "The Silent Scream".

Changed my views on abortion big time.

But it is still a woman's right to do what she wants with her body. And it is legal. I don't know why it's legal. But it's legal.

So whatever decision she ultimately makes, well all we can do is say 'best of luck", and whatever you do, well, make the best decision you can make for yourself.

She is the one who has to live with any decision she makes, right??

I just can't believe, that with all the birth control out there, young women are still getting pregnant.

What a shame.

I wish her well.

I can't wait to meet my grandson when he turns 18! Just 11 more years!

Adoption is such a great option. Good luck to you and your XDIL. I'm sure she'll appreciate receiving guidance from you and knowing that you care.

There are no easy answers in a situation like this. For anybody..All you can do is say what you believe, let her know you care and you don't want her to make a decision that will haunt her for years to come. Then let it go. Ultimately, the decision's hers, but you will feel much better knowing you expressed what you felt. My heart goes out to both of you. I adopted a baby girl when I was single and 21. She met her birth family the year she turned 18, and they still keep in touch. She's gonna be 27 this summer, and would have been a tremendous loss to so many people in so many ways had her birth mother decided not to have her. She was in a similar situation, just divorced, 3 kids already, on welfare, and had a tubeligation not long before my daughter was conceived. Talk about determination! Things can and do work out in amazing ways. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

:) You care because you're a compassionate person. It would be hard NOT to care - especially when a precious little baby is involved.

The first thing I thought of was adoption. It seems to be the perfect solution and one that would benefit many people - most of all the child. What better gift than to give this child the chance to be a part of a loving family that wants him/her.

No decision here will be easy - but you owe it to yourself, the mother and most of all the baby to speak your mind.

Thanks for listening to your heart. . . it won't steer you wrong. :)

Cathy, my second oldest daughter was a problem child, two abortions before she was out of high school, a prison stay, a failed short lived marriage. My kid, I love her, I will never understand her or her decisions and in no way feel obligated to pay for them or worry about them.

We taught her better, if she can`t follow the program? Ya can`t change the world if it`s not interested.

It sounds like you are truly coming from a place of concern for her
 

Take her to lunch or dinner or someplace where she is removed from the stresses of her daily environment. Tell her what you just told us (it was so filled with concern).

Go through the options with her and help her come up with a plan that she can live with. Once she sees the steps in front of her maybe she will feel like she can handle this major decision.

Good luck and keep us posted.

This says it all to me. You are right to speak up and offer emotional support. I agree with others who have suggested adoption as an alternative.

You care because you are a good person, sis.:hug:

Hi Cathy:

That's one of the best replies I have ever read.

You're a gem!!!

This girl needs to make her own decision without everyone telling her what she should do (abort). If she is not hearing that its okay to have this baby, I'd be telling her. Sure it will be hard....but what in life is easy? Nothing from my view point....How dare her family instruct her to abort! I believe in the right to choose...but its a PERSONAL choice...no one should be thrusting an abortion in her face....poor girl...no wonder you care!

Just my opinion, but people like your ex DIL are self-centered. It's hard to reach someone like that.

There is no sense to be made of having a baby out of wedlock purposely (no father figure) and also using abortion as a means of birth control.

Some of my dearest friends became pregnant out of wedlock. That's not all that uncommon and I'm not condemning anyone. It's just that in both those cases the friend married the father and they raised the child. They just jumped the gun on the baby part of the equation.

Most wouldn't choose that course again. Not that they don't love their children, but it's a hard way to go.

Your ex DIL is not exhibiting much common sense. When a person makes a 'mistake' we can forgive. When they keep making it and making bad choices we often have to give up on them. There are so many forms of birth control that there is no excuse for not finding one that works.

Generally you don't find a spouse by having their baby and then presenting them with it. Heck, in many of those situations the woman doesn't even know the man all that well!

In your case since you have a deep connection through your grandchild it is very tough to know what to do.

I'd try to be involved with the Grandchild and help the child through what will be some confusing times and a mother who is a bad role model.

Good Luck.

Tootsie

I'll bore you with talk of adoption! I'm waiting in a line right now that's about 5 years long in order to adopt. There are so many fabulous people out there who would make wonderful parents for your DIL's future child. She can choose them - she can also choose how much or how little contact she would like with the family after the child is born. Many, many people now understand the benefits of open adoption. In this situation - it's win, win, win. The child has life, two people get to realize their dream of being parents, and your DIL will get to be a part of it (if she chooses).

There's no need to get into the right or wrong of abortion vs adoption, but I do think that it wouldn't hurt at all for her to see that there is another very viable option - it might put her heart at ease.

If finances are a problem - the agency that she works with can ensure that she has proper medical care throughout the pregnancy. They will find her the resources she needs.

Brain - I truly hope that you can be a positive influence on her. It sounds like she's not really happy with the option that everyone surrounding her is presenting her - maybe she'll listen to you.

Cathy, I don't know if you remember me from another message board that you used to visit frequently, but you do know me (I think). I was known as jazzgirl there.

I have intimate experience with part of this issue....pregnancy outside of wedlock. I was in college, pregnant, and unmarried. I had an abortion. I never, ever, ever got over it. It was over 30 years ago and I still think about that baby every single day. I was getting educated, but stupid about my own body and careless. She's being so careless, Cathy. Another human being shouldn't have to suffer because of her carelessness. :(

I was pressured into having the procedure. I didn't want to do it, but I felt that no one would be there for me and I was scared! Is she scared? She doesn't sound it. She does sound lazy about her birth control, though.

She can't keep doing this, but you can't save her from herself, either. You're a bright, compassionate woman and I think you'll know what to say when you do approach her.

You care because you're human. A human with morals. I pray very little anymore, but I'll keep her in my prayers in the hopes that she comes to a good decision, and for you so that you can have a little more peace in your own life.