death
 

Right now I just want to die. I'm too tired of it all,and a family member has misinterpreted my illness,and said they're going to drop financial help because we have not been getting along. I have been sick,and now I have gone into depression on top of all the phobias,emotional pain,obsessions,tormenting thoughts,and rejection. I have written down my problems on this web site,and No one has taken me under their wing,or shown a interest to help me. My immediate family is giving up on me now. It's not my fault. I'm a good person,and have been suffering since I was a teenager. It started with a major panic attack,and I felt like I was under a black cloud when I was a teenager. The problems have been going on,and on. Now I'm running out of money,my family is on the verge of rejecting me for they are tired of me. This is devastating to me. It looks grim to me,and Social Security Disability has rejected me two times,and I have hired a lawyer,but I have to wait for possible about another year. I'm tired of it all,and my energy has gone to a low level. I never receive any comfort,or security,and I am so burdened. I just want it to end. There is nothing to live for anymore. I just can't see a future anymore. I'm grieved unto pain,and I want it to stop. I'm so tired.:(

Have any family members spoken with your drs or gone to any appts with you? To see and hear that it is real?
Do you take any medications now?
How about vitamins and nutrition - have you also been checked for food sensitivities, hormonal imbalances?
Are you getting plenty of sun light and fresh air?
If you are in a northern area some of your depression could be from SAD {seasonal affective disorder}.

You might want to read /visit our Survivors of Suicide forum- there's a very caring and helpful group of members there.
It's for those that have been touched by the loss of a family member and those that may have been at a point and considered it.
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

They may have some uplifting words to give you hope for the future.

Dear Friend,
I am very sorry that you are hurting.
You sound very much alone.

'Sending hugs. :hug: :hug:

Mari

Friend,

I can relate to you and wish I could say the right words. What use to help me get through the bad times was knowing that we need hope to cope. Hold onto that hope.

befuddled2

Hello Brokenfriend. I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now.

I understand how you must feel without family support having been there myself over and over again. I also understand the lack of finances since I went on disability just recently, and there never seems to be enough to go around. I'm always broke through no fault of my own, and sometimes it's hard to find enough cash to even replenish the larder Or the fridge. I know what's it's like to go without.

I haven't seen any of your other posts until just now, so maybe others are in the same boat as me. Please don't give up "friend". We are all here to give you support if you want it.

Jo had a good idea when she said the following:

Please also heed what Befuddled said...



Hold on "friend", I'm thinking of you as I'm sure many others are as well. Good luck in your quest for Social Security Disability. I hope it comes through soon for you. :hug:

My family member does not want to go to therapy with me. Years ago my dad did,and he started to understand. They where very aggravated with me,and didn't understand what I was going through when I was a teenager. I got sent to Military School where my condition got worse. One day in the Mess Hall I was siting at attention,and I had a panic attack. It got worse,they didn't believe me,and I got sent there the next year. I went to the Nurse's office there,and they shook their heads,and told me to leave. That was in the late 1960's. Well to get back on the point,my dad heard of the Phobia Clinic in around 1980. Slowly he started to believe me. He heard other people had the same problem that I had. The obsessions got worse when I was in my middle 30's. I started getting therapy back in the early 1970's,and I am still in therapy. My dads almost 88 years old now,and my sister has been helping me recently,because my dad cannot handle it anymore. My sister knows that I have emotional problems,and she has developed MS. She,and I where getting along,but something strange has started between our personalities. She seems to say the reverse of everything that I say,and this is troublesome to me. She keeps doing it,and starts to say that I'm the one doing it. I have told my doctor of this resent development,and he said it sounds like she has OCD,and wants everything done her way,and I end up getting battered by her when I try to help her. I don't even want to go over there because it's gotten so bad. I'll say on thing,and she says another, and troubles me. She is obsessed with telling me things that I've told her that I cannot handle right now,and she knows it,but does it anyway. She's infuriated with many people around her. I see it,but if she see's it,she won't admit it ,and she will change her story. Now her anger has turned on me,and she said she is going to stop her money support. She moved me up to where she lives to help me. I tried to clean her house,and she didn't like the way I was doing it. She doesn't like my hobbies,what I talk about,my interests,my talents,and the way I talk. When I have left that house recently,I have lied down for 12 hour periods of time just totally exhausted from listening to her putting me down. That's how the relationship has become,and yet she knows that I have emotional problems. I don't feel like getting up anymore. I have a pain in the middle of my chest from the muscles pulling from anxiety. I am obsessed, confusion,aggravation,about her misunderstanding,and making me sound bad.She knows that I have emotional problems,she calls them mental,but she stirs me up anyway. I'm a good person. Now I'm 55,and completely tired of everything,afraid,worried,confused,baffled at these suddenly worse circumstances,because they where bad before. They have been bad for a long time. I have been so misunderstood. I was in a bad work situation,that got worse after 9/11,and I got treated worse by my employer,and fellow employee's. One thing after another,you would not believe it. My sister has set a division between my Dad,and I. She talks bad about him,and my deceased Mother. All of this ,and these conditions that I have explained on some of my other posts are getting to me. I am burdened,and my self worth has been bombarded by my sister,and I don't know why. It might be the MS. My situation is threatened by her continually,and I don't know why she is doing it. I'm more unstable,tormented in my mind,and my doctor who does not like to give medication has upped my medicine a little. I'm on the lowest dose of Xanax,and a low dose of Luvox. He has been treating me for 20 years. Before him I had about 8 other doctors,and 2 hospital stays. I don't have Insurance,and I might end up in the hospital again. I have called my Uncle who is a minister,and a few other people,and they have prayed for me. My Uncle said that my Dad,and my sister are that way because they are in pain. I'm in pain,and my sister taking away finances is heightened my anxiety,and dread of the future,to the extent that is almost unbearable. My sister even said that every time I've ever seen you you where full of stress,so I don't understand why she is putting me down. I live in a rural area,and any major cities are 75,to 85 miles away. I see my doctor 15 minutes ,once every three months now because that's all that I can afford. I'm not stupid,slow or anything like that,and I think that it makes the OCD worse being somewhat intelligent. These thoughts are tormenting me,and I am deeply disturbed deep down,and I wish that I'd just cease to exist at times. I don't know what to do. I feel out of reach of help,and who cares about a 55 year old man. No one has taken a interest in helping me,and that is another hurt. It seems like people don't care anymore. The Government is trying to not give me Social Security Disability. I have a real problem,and even my flesh,and blood family are starting to not care. Excuse me for venting,but I live alone with increasing problems,and I'm worried about them going completely out of control. I don't seem to have control,or security in my life,and I'm worried about loosing it all,and ending up living nowhere,and I'm scared. If I don't get Social Security Disability after court,I have no clue as to what would happen to me. Will someone hang in there with me,and help me through this. Please help me. I'm just a emotional reck right now. People,please,please don't give me any criticism,I can't handle anymore. I you feel like criticizing me,please don't say anything at all,because you will just be adding fuel to my grief.

Thanks
 

Thank you Jo55,Mari,befuddled 2,and Koala 77. Your replies mean allot to me. Thank's. Bless you all. It means allot walking through the battles with friends,and they grab you by the belt,and pull you forward if you fall down,or if your dazed.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you get on medicaid? Through medicaid maybe you could get a social worker or therapist who could open up some doors that would provide you with additional support and find resources that you don't know exist. I am totally alienated from my only sibling and am on disability. I had a great lawyer. I was in a downward spiral and although i have been depressed and anxious for ages, things have turned for me. I believe in golden safety nets. i really believe that help comes when we least expect it and that at times we are given more than we can bear and that is when the help seems to come and it doesn't seem to be related to how hard we try ourselves.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Bobby

Good morning Brokenfriend....Your subject title "death" caught my eye.

Have you been dxed with Bipolar Disorder? I'm sorry you feel hopeless right now and hopefully you'll soon see a little light in that tunnel. I understand that you are depressed but try to remember that the black hole has sides. :grouphug:

Have you posted on the SSD forum? I know that people are usually turned down on their first go at it. Here is the link to that forum...http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum28.html

Talking (venting) about what you are feeling is always a good idea.
And we are always happy to "see" a new face on the sos forum...

Jo directed you to it....http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

hi broken friend, jsut wanted to tell you that I hear what you are saying and feel for you and wanted to give you a hug...you are not alone.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hi
 

Thank you mymorgy for the advise. I need some open doors,and additional support,so I will try to get help from medicaid. All the money that I had is almost gone now with the waiting for the Social Security Disability to come into my life. I was astonished at the systems lack of help,and automatically trying to push me away. I had to get in touch with my congressional representative,because they where letting the telephone ring in the area where I live,then three groups of social security disability departments sort of played the dodge ball scenario with me. It surely seemed that way. I was absolutely shocked that this segment of our Government was behaving in that fashion. My dad is a WW11 veteran,and he's watching everything that they fought for crumble. Let me get away from politics. Alffe,thank you for your concern. I've been treated for depression,phobias,severe anxiety,and then OCD for years. I remember that they called this kind of thing free floating anxiety in the early 70's. Soon after I heard that,I was in the hospital with acute anxiety,and my next doctor said that he was very seriously concerned about my condition. Then around five years later under another doctor,I went to the hospital for three weeks. He made a mistake,and I ended up with another doctor,and confused when I got out. It's been like walking through a maize,and tormented in it. Everyone is on the outside not knowing what the heck your going through. It's been like that all my life. It was bad in the late sixties,and seventies,because they didn't know anything about emotional problems,and people didn't talk about it,and it was a stigma of shame,and sort of still is,but not as bad. When will they learn that this illness is real,and not in our heads. I go for long periods of being above the depression part,and then I go through long periods of being in the valley of the shadow of death. All of those illnesses make life bad enough,and when you descend lower into valley,and people start to misinterpret what your going through,and what you are trying to say,and communicate,it gets worse. Some people,the bully type,will try to push you down even lower,and send you through head trips,and make you sound like a fool,who is brain dead. I never understood that type of person,they try to remove your dignity,and credibility when you are down. What hateful, and uncompassionate people they are.

Thank you bizi. I appreciate that. I'm sorry that you are afflicted with these emotional issues. So do allot of people feel like this? How do other readers of this thread cope with these emotional issues. Mine are pretty severe. I wish there where more places to get help to keep going. May God help us all. If you feel the way that I do,I'm sorry for your agony. I'm sorry for the hell that you've been through. I hope that your life gets better.

http://www.teller-law.com/
this is the fantastic lawyer who helped me win an impossible disability case. I had been out of work for fifteen years and the limit is usually five years.
He is brilliant Jonathan Teller and understands more about mental illness than 99.99999 than psychiatrists. I don't think I am exaggerating. He is very busy but he might be able to find the time to steer you in a direction. He practices in new york city.
At least in New York City there is the Adult Protective Services...there might be something like that in your area. They might also be of aid to you. I know when I tried to receive some financial help from my sister who is comfortable and probably two of her three sons are millionaires told me we were strangers and set me back emotionally way too much so I now have no contact with her. Sometimes I pray for her and surprisingly that takes away some pain if I think about her.
I came up with a mantra to help me deal with my depression. I don't know if you are spiritual or not. If you are at all you can look at your suffering as a gift from the great unknown to draw you closer to him. I am saying a lot that I love God, I have blind faith in God, God gives us what we need not necessarily what we want and LOVE WINS...i am almost 64 and have suffered from bipolar II from childhood but was only diagnosed six or seven years ago.
Bobby

Dear Broken friend,
I wanted to quickly respond to your thread and wanted to reassure you that we were listening to you...and again wanted to offer a hug of support.
Fortunately my moods have stabilized and I don't suffer like you.
Your roller coaster of emotions sound a bit like bipolar 2 disorder.
Has anyone ever suggested a mood stabilizer for you?
Alot of other folks here suffer with anxiety issues here as well.
In a lot of cases it goes hand in hand.
bizi:hug:

Hi,
I too wonder if you have been diagnosed correctly.
I suffered tremendous and near debilitating anxiety and depression until I was diagnosed and treated for bipolar.

M.

Thank you mymorgy. I have about seven Bibles,and I've worn out about three of them by constantly underlining a new scripture that comforted me,and I wanted to go back to it. I use to feel the presents of the Lord more,but not as much recently. Yes I believe in Jesus,and I know that He is love,life,and the way to God the Father,through what he did on the cross,and he took our sins upon Him,so that we can be forgiven who believe in him. He is exhalted above every name for what he did. Every knee shall bow... In other words yes,I'm a true believer.There are scriptures in Job,the Psalms,Isaiah,and the New Testament that I stand upon,rely on,and hope for. Thank you also bizi. I think that I took mood stabilizers in the early 80's,but they didn't seem to work at that time. That was a long time ago though. Basically I'm on Xanax,and Luvox,and a allergy medicine. It seems like when my emotions are stirred up,I'm likely to have allergy problems also at that time simultaneously. Does anyone know about emotional problems,and allergy attacks being possible related? I sure do have a problem with allergy attacks also.

Mari Thank you. My doctor is old,and he may have misdiagnosed me. There have been loads of mistakes by doctors who tried different things,especially that one that I had in my second Hospital stay.

I am so glad for you. I also think you may be bipolar II. Do you also have sleeping problems? Usually people who are bipolar II take a mood stabilizer, an antipsychotic and an antianxiety medication at the least. They are usually misdisagnosed.
Bobby

Hi,
Yes, as far as I know, allergies and emotions are connected.
Here's an article about allergies to caffeine.

http://www.doctoryourself.com/caffeine_allergy.html

What kind of allergies do you have?

M.

Mymorgy,yes,I do have sleeping problems. This has even caused anxiety before a work day when I use to work. There have been times when I didn't get any sleep at all before work,but that was a long time ago. It was so unnerving. Recently late at night when I was trying to sleep,I was so stressed,I felt these disrupting,high anxiety,tormenting thoughts that may have been anxiety heightening,then lowering,then heightening,then lowering,over,and over. When I was starting to feel this way late at night,I couldn't take my job anymore,on top of the other anxiety,and feeling upset all the time at work,and feeling like if I slow down a little,they where going to jump on me. I jot jumped on anyway no matter what was going on. I get this pain in the center of my chest,that is mainly in the center of my chest,and spreads over to under my left lower ribes. The pain was so bad I thought that I was having a heart attack one time. My doctor new what it was, and gave me a high dose of Xanax,and that released the pain. I live with a low level of this pain allot of the time. I have it now. I have worn out undershirts,and sweaters because I massage that area when it gets bad. I have this pressure in both sides of the temples in my head. Getting back to the pain in my chest,it also goes through my body to the left side of my back. When people mention some subjects,and pressure me in some way,it makes those anxieties,and pains worse,then I become upset. Thats why I have to be alone most of the time now. I'm tired of this. It's only gotten worse,and my doctor does not like to give me to much medicine. I'm on the lowest strength of Xanax,the generic form.(Alprazolam 0.25MG Tab) 4 times a day. With my anxiety late at night he has increased it to 6 times a day,or six tablets of this low dose. I'm also taking for the OCD,Fluvoxamine Mal 50MG Tabs. He proscribed me to take it 3 times a day,now 4 times a day with the heightened anxiety. This medicine only seems to work slightly,and I have all of these anxiety problems all the time. My Dentist says I grind my teeth when I'm asleep. I tried this uncomfortable bite guard,but I don't like to have anything in my mouth. The thing bothers me. So many things bother me. That's why I was thinking about death last night,when my sister said that she was going to drop her support. She called me this morning,and it sounds like she is reconsidering that. I don't know why she would have done that to me on top of everything that I'm going through. That bothered me so bad,I didn't know what to do. I had a sudden feeling like my life is over now. I'm so tired of what I'm going through,and it's worse now,and then when my sister said what she said,I started thinking about dieing. Then I knew immediately that I could not do that. It's wrong,and it's not what God wants us to do. I've come to the point before where I have become greatly disturbed,and things have happened,and didn't look like I was going to survive this one,and things change. It's hell on earth when It's happening though. Mari thank you for your comments on allergies,and anxiety. When I could afford to go to a allergy clinic with the insurance that I had at work,they tested me,and found that I was allergic to many tree's,and mixed grasses in my State. I'm allergic to the mold in mixed grasses,mold in the air,dust mites,and all kinds of things. I started taking shots,and I started feeling better,and then the Insurance company wanted me to pay a co-pay for each shot. That co-pay would cause me to pay more for the shot,so I had to pay for each shot. I could not afford it after a while on my pay,so I stoped taking allergy shots which I needed. Things have changed since Benjamin Franklin created insurance. Anyway,I have air purifiers in every room,and I even clean the back basin of the toilet tank that holds the water to be flushed. Most people don't know that that area becomes a mold trap. I'd go into the bathroom and have allergy attacks. I'd turn on the shower and have allergy attacks. I don't know what else to do. Now I'm tired of the fight in my mind,being upset,the pain in my chest,and life generally being the way it is for me to be truthful. I know what a person who is well thinks about me. They think that it's my fault,or it's in my head,or it's something to joke about,and that I'm a problem,and that they don't want to be around me,and that I'm a second class citizen. They think that I don't deserve any help,that I can be ignored,to let someone else deal with my problem,or that I'm lazy,and trying to get out of work,or that I want to get high on drugs,or that I'm weird.They might think that I'm weak. I struggle all the time,to keep myself from coming to utter failure. I will not touch a alcoholic beverage,and I have not drank one in over 25 years. I don't smoke,and I don't take illegal drugs. I take my doctors medicine,and some people in church actually believe that this is wrong. I have been judged,and hurt at a church that I belonged to. It is unbelievable as to the incredible misunderstanding people can form about another people. People should realize that the human race doesn't know it all. All they have to do is look up in the sky on a star filled night,and tell me what you know about my condition,and pass a judgement on me. Our society is getting technically advanced,but from where I see it our humanity is going backwards. We are not in the Dark Ages anymore,but from where I see it,the major groups,and masses of people are selfish,and attack what they don't understand,and leave who needs their help behind. God help us. I hope that the powers to be will appropriate money to the advancement of research, and understanding of mental disorders. I'm not talking to any of you all,you all know what I mean. I hope that someone is talking on our behalf in the senate,and House of Representatives,and so forth.

it really sounds as if you are bipolar II with other issues. do you live near a clinic with a sliding scale fee system? I hope your sister comes through. You really need to find help through an community resource and a way to get on disability. http://www.nosscr.org/ is a non profit resource that supplies names of lawyers in your area. That is how i got my lawyer. As I said Jonathan Teller was the best. Even the judge at the hearing told him upfront that he liked to hear his cases because he was so well prepared. I know I felt totally helpless. I even turned away from my friends and thought nobody could help me. I used to lie on the floor with the covers pulled over my head and I won't mention what else I did. I finally started calling agencies. I got a social worker. I asked for somebody who was spiritual. At first it was good and then she turned out to be awful. I paid in advance and then when I told her I no longer wanted to see her, SHE KEPT THE MONEY I HAD GIVEN HER FOR FUTURE SESSIONS AND SAID SHE NEEDED IT MORE THAN I DID. Then I was thrown a golden safety net and was given Dr.Moussavian when I needed to have my lithium levels checked. The psychiatrist she got me was just as bad as she was. I remember walking home from his office and having the worse time not walking in the busy street that cut through Central Park.
I know what hopelessness is. You can't give up because there is hope and eventually the right people will find you if you keep trying. Read up on bipolar II on the net and print out the symptoms or whatever and be prepared to state your case. I have to add that some of us are medication resistant but even so, the right combination diminishes some of the symptoms.
Try to create your own mantra. It might take time or you already might have one and try to soothe yourself with it.
Bobby
ps don't expect people to understand...expect them not to understand....even most doctors don't get it...

mymorgy Thank you. I live in Virginia. I just talked with my sister on the telephone,and she sounds like she cannot stand my condition,and she's about to become irrational about it. She said she cannot stand my condition,and it's affecting her. At the end of the telephone call she sounded angry. I told her that I cannot help the condition that I'm in,and I'm not trying to bother her. She said she is not going to be lectured to. Then she sounded like she was getting angry. I could detect it. It sounds like she is headed towards rage or something like that. She is sounding irrational. I started to watch my words even more. I'm not antagonizing her,and I don't understand what she's reacting to. This reminds me of my Dad who has these horrible explosive temper fits where he would blow up at me when I was a kid,when he came home from the office. Back in those days,there was no protection from your parents. He became a alcoholic,and ended up in the hospital and almost died. He had a ulcer in his stomach,before that,and they had to remove part of his stomach. It sounds like my sister is about to become angered at me out of proportion,from her own inner struggles. She is always infuriated at someone. I think I'm going to be the next target. One night when I was living in another part of the State,I called her on the phone when my Dad had a stroke,and he had moved to where she lives,and she started fusing ,and screaming at me on the telephone. She actually screamed at me,and I heard it in my ear,that screaming high pitched sound. She doesn't know how she gets. I remember that her screaming at me on the telephone shocked me,and I remember it like yesterday. That call echoed in my head for weeks,that piercing high pitched yelling,and screaming rage.I tried to calm her down,but she was ranting,and raving on the telephone.I could not do anything about it. Mom never intervened.:(

hello
 

Wel you have touched my heart,you sound like you have been ,hurt by family and Drs. You have family here and on other foums.It migh even
help to ask the MS forum about your sister,because she sounds
very much like my friend from MS and it's not anything you did. For
many years she wanted to kill her self,she is in need of more help
she is getting,and i'm so sorry she is taking out on you..Diability is so
odd,my youngest son filled out my paper work and got it for me first try,
Your Dr. sometimes does not help and I feel you are Bipolar11.Does
it bother you to leave you home,or ask a social worker for help
medicaid just my help,and anothers have given you good advice.
You have a right to vent and I know it's hard,you have been given
good advice..I hope you try it,you have a family here,please just post.
You sound like your far from the many things you can do for free,
Do you have a foodbank near it's awful to be hungrey. I would love to pay
for someone to clean my house,thst's a promblem you sister has..Well
hope you find something that helps Many Hugs and blessings Sue

I agree with bobby,
Find yourself a clinic and get a new pdoc...evaluation.
a Bipolar2 diagnosis will help with your getting a disability...hope that doesn't sound wrong..just trying to show a better picture of the seriousness of your condition for your lawyer...for your case.
As you know the more documentation you have the better your case is.
I am sorry that you are dealing with potentially abuse issues from your sister now....this is a shame...keep posting talking venting....we are listening.
bizi:hug:

it also sounds as if your father might have been bipolar II and self medicating with alcohol. my psychiatrist said I would have been able to function a lot higher if I had had a stable environment but my father was also an alcoholic.
I am curious if you ever give your sister emotional support. It sounds that although she is financially fine, she is in need of it too. You have to feel it to give it. Otherwise it will come off as manipulative and make her more angry and more ambivalent.
I am confident that you will find the help you need. It is out there but just tough to find.
Bobby

Oh goodness. Thank you shiney sue. I thank you all for your support,and adopting me as family. My sister has hired a maid that she had before. Her maid cleans her house 2 times a week. She has people staying with her during the week. I even tried to help her 4 weeks ago,but she wrestled with my words,as she usually does,she says the opposite of what I say,she directs me like a child,but she knows that I'm intelligent. She always wants to be right,and wants me to be wrong. I see this,and it drives me up the wall,and I cannot reason with her about it. I'll say one thing,and she will oppose it,or rebuttal,or will say too much information. All of that put together has hurt my self esteem,totally exhausted me,and I feel beaten down some how when I leave. I'm a good person,who has good intentions,and I feel like I'm in a battle when I'm with her. She told me that she doesn't get depressed,so she can't understand my problem. She talks bad about Dad,she has something against our deceased mother because Mother didn't have the amount of love for her when she was growing up,that she had for her two girls. She doesn't like most of our Uncles,most whom now are deceased,and relatives. She seems to really not like a Uncle of ours who is a minister. This Uncle has only loved us. I've called him for prayer. My sister belittled me when I was growing up. When I moved close to her,she said that I did some stupid things when I grew up. When I heard the example of what I did,I said this shows that I had compulsions when I was a kid. Don't you see. Thats,a obsession,and that is a compulsion from the obsessive though. Then I knew I had this when I was a kid,and I didn't know it. That's exactly what they where. They where still laughing about the time when I'd run down the stairs when I was a kid,and put my hands on the curtains,and I would run my hands along the bottom of the curtains. Evidentally I did this allot. They said that my dad said if I keep doing it that he's going to spank me. He spanked me. Then after that I was crying,and they said I said now can I play with the curtains. Mother was telling me that before she died,and she was laughing so hard,she could hardly get the words out. I told them all,don't you see what that was? They where the beginnings of my first obsessions,and compulsions. They didn't realize this until a couple of years ago. I also could not concentrate in class. I failed the third,and eighth grades. I was sent to Military school to repeat the eighth grade. That was the only way they could help reading problems. There was no other help in those days. I developed panic attacks in Military school. No one that I remember told me that I had learning disabilities,or obstacles. It was basically implied that I may be some what stupid in the third grade.They had a reading class that I attended at military school in the eighth grade. That's why I went. I graduated from high school,and In my second year in college,I became very upset. My eyes where shaking inside,and I was very upset,and I had a hard time going into classes. I didn't get help in that college whatsoever with my anxieties.They didn't do a thing for me. I didn't get any encouragement from faculty,or students. I didn't talk very much to anyone because I felt bothered,and I stayed off to myself. That was basically from my nervous experience with people at Military school. Remember,that's the school where the nurses wouldn't help me,and they gave me a shameful look. A person at the Military school who was being a bully to me had a change of heart,and tried to get me to the clinic. I will never forget that guy. I still remember his name,and what he tried to do for me,and his change of heart from being a bully,to showing compassion on me,because he knew that I was really troubled,and I couldn't get any help. I guess that they thought that it was all in my head in those days. Back to my last college year was in about 1974. I just closed my books,and left,and paid the fees,and was sad,and upset. Later in life in my thirties,the obsessions,and phobias,and worries got so bad,I was waking up with panic attacks. I was in shambles,with doctors making mistakes,and every one was making mistakes with me. I went into this Pentecostal church,and they hit me in the stomach, they said, to deliver me from demons. I finally ,at that time, went to a balanced church where I got some help. It was a time of nightmares for me just before that. I was still confused,and scared when I went from the Pentecostal church to the other church. I got a job at a local Supermarket where I walked just under a mile to work day,and night for about 14 years. I walked in the store during the day also,and after awhile,my knees started bothering me. When I went to bed,just before I would go to sleep,I would have spasms in the back of one leg,and then the other. It was painful,and many times I felt like throwing up during the spasms for some reason I don't know about because I didn't talk about it very often. They knew that I was a little unstable,and they treated me bad,and fussed at me many times for no reason. I worked as hard as I could work,and I treated the customers better then any one could,because I loved the people. I loved our customers. I became acquainted with thousands of people who liked me,and now I'm gone because they suddenly tore the apartment complex down that I lived in,and I couldn't afford the other places around to live. I had to resign,and not long after that the Store closed down. I worked in a local Military Academy that is near where I live now. They put me in the Food Services Department,where these people treated me bad immediately. After seven months,my anxieties,sleep, and emotional state got bad. I kept hearing them talking behind my back,and there was one old man there that grumbled about me when he walked by,and I could hear him in the distance. I was treated meanly by a number of them. I felt like I was becoming the talk of the place,and they knew that they where getting to me. I tried to be friends with them,but my OCD caused me to process information slowly. I could not put those plates,forks,and knives in the slots at the speed that they had the machine going. At home I was anxious,upset,not sleeping right in a tormented awake state,and felt like I was becoming the talk of the place. I felt shame,and anger. I heard talk behind my back so much that every time they talked after awhile,I thought that it may be about me. People talk loudly in a Food Services Department,because there is so much noise. The manager of the department didn't care,and the department of human resources couldn't do anything about it. Allot of them had been there 20,or 30 years. That old man who grumbled had worked at the Academy for 52 years. He was about 80 years old,and did his job, but was mean. After seven months I resigned,and I was tormented,and couldn't live that way anymore. I stayed there as long as I could. That was about a year ago. Thank you bizi,and thank you mymorgy. My sister doesn't seem to respond to my emotional support. She always says something after I try to offer it. I feel like the flip side of the coin from her personality. I don't know what it is. We'd talk ,and there would be disagreements,and I've said what is this? I don't understand whats going on. I'm not a bad person. It's like she has to be right in every discussion,or she would say to much information. I couldn't teach her anything because she won't accept learning from me. It seems that way. I can't reason with her. I don't manipulate her. She tries to brainwash me, or something,and I don't think that she likes the fact that I am a individual thinker,I've had to become one. When I hear a person talking I listen to every word,and have my own understanding from many bad experiences,and much reading from the Bible,and what I think is right,or wrong. Sometimes I cannot hear what a person is saying because I can't concentrate,and cannot follow what they are saying,or I see them talking to me,and I don't hear all of what they are saying,or hear bits,and pieces of what they are saying. I don't know what that is. All of my learning,and reading,and concentration problems as far as hearing instructions,and things are undiagnosed. It was not known in the 50's, and 60's,and early 70's. I could only make a guess. It's not from stupidity. I probably would have been a scientist,for I have a broad understanding of earth sciences,and I watch MLSO to monitor the sun's activity,and see how it's going to affect the electro magnetic waves,and how it's been more active since around 1950. It's a scientific fact that the sun has been getting brighter since 1950.etc. Then I go to the NOAA radio site and check the weather,and go one from there to other scientific sights. I'm doing research,and not listening to the hype,and brain freezing theories that our media provides.You get my point. My sister is well off and lives in a $750,000 house in the middle of the country,on about 10 acres of land. Her husband is a doctor who doesn't talk to me hardly at all,and he runs a clinic that serves 1000's of people. He own's that facility. It's worth quite a bite,and my sister is on Social Security Disability. Now she suddenly says she cannot support me anymore. I believe that she is angry at me. After being around her for the last couple of years,I've heard her anger at one person,and then another. I don't understand her at all. Her personality is dominating,and I've had enough of that before I moved up hear near her,but she doesn't seem to hear,and comprehend what I'm trying to tell her.

Dear Friend,

Can you make an appointment with a new pyschiatrist?
You sound depressed and extremely anxious (and maybe bipolar).

A good psychiatrist can help.
You might need a new set of eyes and ears to examine your case, so to speak.

Keep posting. Do you think it is helping you to write about what has been going on with you?

M.

Thank you. I think that your right. I feel a deep sense of loss,or a deep sense of insecurity right now. I feel extremely alone,depressed,and feelings that I cannot explain. I feel a long way from hope,and help. It's been like this most of my life. I wish that I could have been accepted. I feel like my sister,and Dad don't even want to think about me. This has been going on so long,but this sudden alienation that is coming from my sister is new,and is really bothering me. I wish that I could have done something important in my life. I wish that I could have been a person who has helped allot of people,and have been respected,and liked. I just hate my condition,and I was never able to fulfill my childhood dreams. I wanted to be a scientist. I still hoped for the best when I was young. I just have a little light that I'm holding on to right now,for I'm extremely depressed on this early Saturday morning. I'm down in the pit,and the maize,and I can't see beyond it right now. I feel like everyone is living their life,and I'm just living out my life. I'm a wreck right now. Everyone,thank you for listening to me. My heart,my life,and all that I am,wants good will,I just don't know what to do. I haven't heard any sympathy except from you all recently. Thank you. I don't want to be this way. There's nothing in this day for me. I don't want to live it,but somehow,I have to go on. I wish that there was a support group around here. I don't know what to do. If this sounds like self pity,or complaining which I have been told that it is,I'm sorry. I hope that someone remembers me. I hope that someone is fond of me. I wish you all well. I wish you all healing. I'm glad that some of you have recovered. I hope that I make it to the other side. I don't see this happening for me anymore.

I hear your pain.
I want you to remember that each day is a chance to renew.
Like a do over....all we really have is the present...You survived yesterday.
This is an accomplishment.
You are fighting for your life.
You are worth this struggle.
Try to not be so hard on yourself and remember that with this new day is an opportunity to engage. In small ways....
Please try not to worry about the past because that is behind you now.
I think it would help if you could get back to the basics.
Taking care of yourself...concentrate on being nice to yourself...you are doing a lot of beating up self talk which is only harmful to your self identity...and is not helpful in the least.
I can't remember if you have children or a husband?
WE are here for you...
((((HUGS)))):grouphug:
bizi

Thank you so much. I feel better. I've never married,and I've never had any children. I've been dealing with these anxieties,and panics,and emotional problems all my life. That Information that you gave me was so helpful. Thank you so much. I am beating up myself. My Sister's help then misunderstanding of my condition,and then she said I'm starting to affect her, has got me down. She hasn't a clue what I'm going through,but she has been helping me with financial issues. She makes me feel wrong about everything that I say. I could explain on,and on,but I feel very insecure,because of this sudden alienation from my sister. Where am I going to go? What am I going to do? My Trust fund is running out. Social Security Disability is resisting helping me,so I have a lawyer to fight for me. This is going to take allot more time,then I have money. My sister is basically freaking me out,and talking about the money all the time. I ask her,please lets not talk about this right now,but she forces the subject on me over,and over, and I feel helpless to do anything about it anymore. I'm 55,and freaked out by my sister. She's 57,and is the older child of the family. I think that's why she is so forceful with her words,and she doesn't seem to hear with her heart what I'm saying. I tried to hug her the other day,and she stiffed up with anger. I know that their are always two sides to the story. Maybe I'm driving her up the wall. At the same time,she's always driving me up the wall. I have no clue what to do. I my come to a Crisis situation,and end up homeless,just because I'm emotionally troubled. My sister has said that my dad doesn't want to talk to me. This thing is snowballing,and getting bigger,and bigger,and I have no control,and I'm scared.

I'm sorry for my many words. I think that I've said so much,it wears people out,and they back away. I'm sorry. Don't go away. I'm listening. Is there a mental health expert out there who thinks that they can help,and understands. Can I help anyone out there? I've been through so much,maybe I have some insight to help you. I thank all of the people who have been giving me input. I'm listening, and trying to figure out what to do. My doctor was on vacation last week,because I called,and didn't get any replies.

Dear Friend,

What medications are you on? When was the last time you made adjustments to the medications?

You need a new psychiatrist or you need to push this psychiatrist to try something completely new. It's usually easier to get a new doctor than to try to get an old doctor to try new tricks.

Can you find support in your town? A support group?

The money worries and the concern about the sister will fade into the background when the medications are right.

Mari

Dear Friend, :hug: :hug:
What do you do to get through your days?
How are you managing?
Do you have pets?

Mari

Thank you Mari. I believe that you are right in all that you said. I take Alprazolam 0.25 MG 4, to 6 times a day. I take Fluvoxamine Mal 50 MG, 4 times a day. I take a allergy med.2 times a day,for I have bad allergy problems,and allergy attacks also. I read that article about coffee that you put in a note. Thank you. I do stay away from coffee. If I drink too much,I freak out,and it makes me feel nervous,and I get strange feelings. I think that I do need a new psychiatrist. Recently,his secretary has snapped at me a few times. I called, and asked if the proscription refill was called to the Pharmacy,and she said that they have taken care of that,and to go worry about something else. She's said that to me two times in the last year on the telephone. I can tell when someones kidding,and she wasn't.It Made me feel strange each time. I do need a support group. I've been thinking about that. I lived in a capital city for most of my life,and things where failing for me,and I moved out in a rural area near where my sister lives,because she said that she want's to help me. Right now she's real angry at me. She said my condition is affecting her. She has a bad temper,and so does my dad. Both her,and I where raised in a family of a alcoholic,who had a explosive anger. To be truthful,we are all now angry. I'm letting my anger go,and forgiving her,and I have forgiven my dad. His dad died 3 months before he was born,and he had some mean brothers. My sister became hysterical with me one time,and fused,and screamed at me on the telephone. I asked her if we could go through counseling when she was yelling at me,and she said no,and meant it. She helps me with writing out the bills. I get obsessive/compulsive with each word on the letters,and the checks. I'll check it over,and over. Then that starts me checking other things over,and over. It never stops. I have pain with the anxiety in my chest,that goes through me to my back,I get depressed,I get afraid,I get obsessive/compulsive,confused,rejected,and agitated. Sometimes it's many times worse then usual. When I go out the door,I feel looked at,and talked about. That makes me feel insecure,but I don't show it. I've gotten very good at not looking ill. I do this everywhere I go. I try with everything that I have,to not show these weaknesses.Thats when you get bullied around,people talk about you,and step on you,and you are a nothing to them. I hate it all. I sit in the back of a crowd. If I sit in the front row of a conference,I stiffen up all over. I get tense. The back of my ears muscles where the ears are attached to my head get stiff,my neck gets stiff,my body starts to get stiff,and my legs bend at the knees with stiffness. That goes back to Military school when I had a panic attack,while sitting at attention. Are people getting tired of me talking about these symptoms. One time I thought that I swallowed something,and I thought it got stuck in my throat. I panicked,and it felt like my throat was closing up,and that I was going to die. I became cold,and It's like a black cloud had moved over me. This would come,and go for months. I became severely depressed. I don't know how to explain that black cloud feeling. My parents didn't know what to do. My doctor didn't know what to do. This was in about 1964. This scared me when I thought about it again. I worried about swallowing pills for years. All of this is true. I'm just trying to get help. I hope that people aren't getting tired of me,and getting sick,and tired of what I'm talking about. My only motive is to some how get help. That's all. It's the truth. It's the absolute truth. Please believe me,and I have thought that no one else could possibly feel the way that I do. I thought this for many years. The psychiatrists have never really helped me very much. I've come across some terrible doctors,who didn't seem to really know what they where doing. They scare me when they change my medication,but I have to do something. My frame of mind is tormenting,and I need help. The medicine isn't helping very much anymore. When he increased the dosage recently,he said are you going to be able to handle it. The increase hardly put a dent in the problems.

I have a cat. I have some science hobbies. I have some shortwave radio's that I monitor sometimes. I have some scanner radio's that I listen to at certain times of the day. I get on some of those scientific,and historical research sites. I listen to music. I've been sleeping allot recently. I've been waiting for the Social Security Disability hearing. I watch some movies,TV,and try to stay away from the news. I hang in there as best as I can. Sometimes I'm up all night now. I don't seem to like the light right now,as far as having the shades open. I have them closed all the time now. I don't want to live this way. I know that It's not normal. I don't know what else to do. Being around people bothers me right now. It seems like my sister is so forceful, intimidating, judgemental,and critical. I don't know to many people out here where I moved.

Hi
It is very important to have a diagnosis from a psychiatrist for obtaining disability. You really need a good psychiatrist. A list of symptoms isn't enough.
My lawyer didn't even want to include that I had post traumatic stress from being in an explosion from which I was hospitalized in the burn unit and also generalized anxiety disorder. He just had bipolar disorder.
Bobby

My psychiatrist is a good man,and is a Christian psychiatrist,which I insisted on at the time.That was a little more than 20 years ago. As far as psychiatrists go,I don't believe he's very helpful anymore. He's a very good person,and I respect him very much,but I believe that I have to move on to another therapist. Tomorrow,I believe that I will be hearing from Social Services. I hope that they don't make a medicine mistake. If they do may God help me. I've been through to many mistakes before.

i am confused..what is your actual diagnosis?
Bobby

It's not clear to me. I've heard different things over the years. The doctors have been uncertain. I was able to get micro tape about my hospital stay in 1980. They thought that I had borderline personality disorder. The doctor in charged said they tried a different approach to therapy for me. It didn't work. He said my problems seem to be real. My current Dr. has been carful at his choice of words to me. He has given my lawyer the diagnosis,with my permission. All that I know is it involves depression,OCD,and anxiety. Over the years it has exploded, and become severe,and then It calms down,and I just cope. That's all I know. My doctor is quiet. I don't know what I am to be truthful. I have been directed here by Curious. One lady with another illness talked to me,but didn't know what to say.Another lady was concerned about her husband,and her child,and I tried to help. Then I didn't hear anything else. Curious,God bless her,recommended for me to come here. I have received help here,and ideas. You have helped me. Thank you so much. I looked up adult protective services that you talked about. I didn't know that it existed. I've only heard of Bi polar in the last several years. This is one of the newest diagnostical conditions,of emotional disorders that I've heard of. In the early seventies,my psychiatrist said that I had free floating anxiety. I had to pull that information out of him. I don't know what I have. All that I know is that I need help,and I feel in imminent danger. I'm asking for help,and support, guidance,and understanding.

It really sounds as if you could be bipolar II and your psychiatrist hasn't done you a service. As in my case bipolar II gets worse as one gets older. Did you speak to anybody at Adult Protective Services? Did you find a clinic near you and call for an appointment? I think it is really time for your to take action outside your family. There is no need for you to be in such deep suffering and fear. Your strong religious beliefs should help you big time. It doesn't pay the rent but you can make it soothe you in your dark hours. My mantra of I love God, I have blind faith in God, God gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want and Love wins has been helping me so much. I am still a wreck. I don't like to leave my apartment. I don't like to get the mail. I have trouble sleeping. I am grossly overweight from the medications and lack of exercise. I chain smoke. Because of the medications I now have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol and taking medications for these conditions. I still suffer from anxiety and depression but not as bad and I no longer have awful images or do self injury,
Bobby