Introducing myself (newbie)
 

Approx 10 years ago I let myself be talked into taking anti-depressants while I was diagnosed with a moderate depression. This was probably true, but I had gone through some things which gave me every reason to be moderately depressed for a while and still don't see why they felt it necessary. Anyway, things went wrong and my emotions and thoughts went totally haywire, I could not sleep more than two hours each night, woke up soaked every time, and believed I had spontaneously gone bonkers. Nobody told me otherwise. Only years later did I make the link with the meds.

So after these meds I was suddenly diagnosed with bi-polar, unspecified autism, borderline syndrome and something else, depression maybe. After two years I was treated with two meds to help me sleep, they worked but led to more drama. You can see me coming here: no more psychopharmaca for me. Ever.

I have never had a good relationship with my mother and younger sister. But since my mother made a plan with my best friend to try and abuse my mental problems for the sake of emotionally alienating and physically removing my then 15 year old daughter, I have mostly avoided contact with my family. They were banking on me being a certified nutter, and it being well known fact that borderliners are paranoid and inconsistent in their friendships, so that no-one would help or believe me. I fought like crazy, in court too, and won. But I had to think hard about myself as to how it was possible that I allowed these two people to damage our relationship and even health to that extent, since I was not gonna fail my daughter as a parent this way once more. I prayed to find out what I was not prepared to see, and I saw. Now I only have very limited contact with my elder sister, and every now and then I have a feigned friendly phone-conversation with my mother to keep tabs on my dad.

Now I have been going through a strong depression for at least six months, but the fear of people organizing things behind my back is finally subsiding. I have also learnt ways to defend myself, make sure people simply can't do these things. I do not give info to people, I do not allow anyone near sources of info about me that they could peek at or steal, I do not allow anyone in my home if I can help it except a couple I have good reason to trust, my older sister and one other old friend. I very gradually and carefully proceed as to who to add to this short list and I am much better at counter-acting quickly when I feel threatened, in a positive, productive way.

My Higher Power has let me know that this depression was needed so that I could heal from these things that happened to me and gain insights as to how to keep us safe. It is nevertheless not a nice feeling, obviously, and frustrating. And I feel lonely, sometimes. That is why I am here.

welcome....it is a tough world...especially when you have a family who is toxic...I am so happy for you that you have a higher power....I do too...i am glad you also don't see depression as a destructive force....mine has lasted over a year...I am bipolar II...what are your other symptoms...
also so glad you have at least two people you can trust and are not isolated..how is your doctor? what medications are you on? are you able to exercise? are you able to listen to music? how is your sleep now? are there any bipolar groups in your area? how old were you at the onset? I am confused,,do you come from a dysfunctional family or did they become toxic
Bobby
ps I am sorry this doesn't sound like a warm welcome...I am not functioning that well and had only three hours of sleep last nite :-(
My heart wants it to be warm and help with your feelings of isolation.

I just wanted to welcome you to the forums...this is a great place to find information and support.
Many of us have had a difficult time dealing with our mood swings, hoping that you are able to be stable as possible...your daughter needs you...
I am sorry that your depression has lasted this long.
Have you ever tried welbutrin? It is pretty safe for us.
Prozac made me manic.:eek:
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Welcome to our little part of the world. I like your name Minymo. I feed ferals and I name them and one I called Minnie, one Mickey and one Mo. I know about the depression, believe me, and it's an uphill battle. But you've taken the first step in letting us help you through it :hug: I'm glad you've found something that helps with your sleeping. I'm still searching and my pdoc tells me lack of sleep is a BP's worse enemy.

This made me smile a lot. I am like that regularly, wanting to be warm or helpful but not really well enough inside my skin to get it right the way I want.:wink:

I am not on meds and not going to. Not all that sure about the correctness of the diagnosis bipolar. Borderline, yes, I have had to admit to that :D

My mother hated me from the day I was born, but I am 50 now, the onset was at 40 because of the pills, and she can't deal in any even tiny way with being wrong about anything, ever, so she fully denies anything ever happened there. I have not pushed her about it, tried to let her know I forgive her but of course, there is nothing to forgive, I am the nutter here. I understand her life was complicated and post-natal depression was an unknown thing in those days, she would not have admitted anything anyhow because of her personality. It's okay with me, all I have to do is keep my distance and fake it and keep my eyes peeled around and about her to keep us safe. What she thinks don't worry me so much these days.:p

Hello,

Welcome. :welcome_sign:

Parents can really do a number on us.
I have had nearly two decades of therapy, journaling, talking through this with my sister, reading books on this and so forth.

In the past two years I have started to make a tiny bit of progress in feeling less intense about how they messed up/harmed us when they were raising my siblings and me.

And my parents don't want to hear a word about anything that we have gone through as adults in order to save ourselves.

They ignore what we say, brush it off, try to make a joke out if it, or get angry. I long ago gave up communicating to them on any deep level. When I call, we talk about their projects and what they are doing.

They have a deep capacity of self-deception. And they will do anything to stay deceived.

M.

Thank you all
 

This is lovely, so many greeting me warmly so fast.

You know, I have had obsessions so bad that I was dangerously skinny and my whole body ached terribly. Have not had any for a long time. As long as that remains so, I count myself lucky and am not touching any meds, but thanks for letting me know a mild one should it ever be needed.

Usually antidepressants without mood stabilizer and antipsychotics bring on mania with a bipolar. Oh I went manic on welbutrin with all of the above.
I am on cymbalta...You don't sound borderline to me. There are also awful side effects with medications possibly diabetes etc weight gain blah blah..
how bad is your depression...
you sound as if you have a lot of inner resources :-)
Bobby
ps do you suffer from anxiety=a big symptom of bipolar II

I guess with all medication, the chance for adverse side effects is ever present.
WE have to watch everything we put in our mouths including supplements and over the counter stuff....you never know for sure how it will/could effect us until we take that chance and try it. We get desperate and want to believe that medication will make us all better when in fact it helps a lot of people and causes more problems for others.
bizi
I went manic the first time following a depoprevera shot for birth control.:eek:

Hi I'm Donna

And I've not been around today or yesterday. Or I'd have been in to say hello.

I have three son's with special needs, and I have lots of health issues
right now. I would say very strongly that without this very special
room this last year I would have gone mad.

But I also suffer from anxiety and sometimes depression thanks to my
balance and vertigo problems. And the fact that I can't do things
the way I used too.

So welcome and enjoy the room, its safe in here.

Donna

just a fast thought more later...(how abrupt) usually an antidepressant as I wrote can make a bipolar manic and I have never read about it having that effect on a borderline personality which usually occurs in young women who also exhibit self injury often times.
Bobby

love is a very powerful positive force. procrastination i think is good for bipolars because it can postpone stress. Strress is totally rotten for bipolars.
I am trying to learn to reduce as much stress as possible. Self critical is bad..it is a form of stress. Bipolars tend to be very self critical because they tend to be bright yet their moods interfere with their performance. It is so frustrating.
Bobby
ps irritability is another symptom of bipolar II

how are things going?
Bobby

Hi Thanks for asking

I just finally started on the back yard. It has got a nasty weed in it all over that can only be removed by sieving the soil because of the wide-spread roots. I have done it once before a few years ago but a neighbour did not and a year later it was all over again. This time, though, I started off with putting a plastic corrugated strip in the soil, about a foot high, so that no new roots can creep in, and I do it by patches because I can't do it all in say two weeks like last time. Totally out of shape, I am.

How are you doing today?

that sounds really clever..If i understood a post of yours, where in Europe are you?..i live in new york and have a big terrace. I used to plant a lot and now I let the weeds be my greenery lol...I have full sun light most of the day and it really gets hot in the summer and too much work to take a hose and water a lot. Two years ago i grew a ginger root and it had the most beautiful green stalk. I tried to duplicate it last year but couldn't.
Yesterday I was a kitty cat petting machine. Two of my three kitty cats laid siege to me most of the day and night. Actually Abby just jumped in my lap. Thank goodness there wasn't a fight.
I finally learned to upload pictures from my new Flip camcorder to the computer. What a great gadget. It is cheap for what it is (about 140), the size of a wallet and is easy to use.
My depression is still mild. I probably ended a relationship with one of the guys I have been seeing for over a year and a half. I am almost sixty four and very fat. Even though beggars can't be choosers ...ha...my irritability is such that I have to stay in a safe place where stress is reduced. I can't stand being irritable..another bipolar II big symptom.
Bobby

I'm in The Netherlands. Which is about half the size of New York, in square miles. LOL That is why I will not be more specific because of internet anonimity.

Simple idea for your terrace: Just a thought, though, you know whether you are up to it, I don't. It's just I have been reading along on posts and I know you are very depressed, find it really hard to do anything at all, so I wanted to tell you a few small things that might possibly be feasible. Any kind of gardening helps me, I know that.

Soak the whole thing with a weed-killer that is environmentally acceptable, that way after a few years you will be able to grow things in the soil again if you want.
After that you could reclaim it bit by bit, like I'm doing. Get a big plant pot with at least one hole in the bottom. You could even use a tub they use for mixing mortar, they also come in white these days. As long as you make a hole in it for excess water. That way, you only need to water the one thing. And once you have more pots, you could buy an extension to the hose which costs like 10 dollars and it sprinkles the lot. Tomatoes, especially small ones, are not hard to grow. Leeks too. Could come in handy with food prices soon to soar even more. That is one of my reasons to go through with it now. Putting 4 potatoes in a big thing like that will give you at least 2 kilo's per potato in the fall and all you do is water them.


I've got many animals, really. I only notice that when I talk about it to people. I have got one German Shepherd, two cats, two budgies and two ferrets. The dog and one cat are female. The dog is called Chica. I bought her off someone who breeds them for farmers. She is amazing. My cats are really sweet and affectionate, as are the ferrets. The budgies just natter a lot among themselves, I put them in the kitchen so I don't hear them so loudly. Whenever I go in there they start calling me, and also when they hear me moving around after waking up in the morning. But they do not sit on my finger, I did not train them enough when they were younger.

Yes, even a mobile phone will do the trick, at least the kind my daughter has got. She takes pictures with it then connects it to the PC and puts them on an external hard disk. I have not got a single presentable picture of myself, do you know that? Can't believe it really. Found that out when I wanted to do my profile here. I have always really had a thing about having my picture taken, even as a kid. I do have a picture of the dog with one of the cats, but only when she was like 6 months old. She is now 3 years. I might have a suitable boy for her soon, so she can have pups at least once in her life. She is more than ready for it. A friend of mine spotted one and she is establishing contact for me.

You make me laugh. You are sixty-four, very fat, you have two boy friends and you call yourself a beggar? A lot of people don't even have one. I don't.
Just not quite ready. Had a lot of things to get over for a few years.

I don't fully understand what you mean by irritability. On this site people use certain words that seem to be quite clear to yourselves, standing for a whole complex of things, but I don't know the "lingo". Could be an American thing. Possibly, people around here just use a different word you know.

irrittability=an irritation...somebody's anxiety in their voice, somebody's voice, somebody's breathing, somebody's comment, not being comfortable, the way somebody eats, the questions people ask, besides physical things such as fabric irritating you at times when normally it wouldn't irritate you...these can drive you to anger or maybe are from underlying anger and anxiety. During these times, a pet may have an accident and that won't phase you whereas if you spill just a drop of coffee you might go ballistic
more later
Bobby{"The first three moods here are particularly characteristic of agitated depression.

Irritability
Almost everyone becomes irritable now and then. The reasons are almost without number. A headache, a bad night's sleep, an upcoming dentist appointment, an unexpected bill - any stressor can bring it on. But when there is no apparent reason why the least little thing becomes an annoyance, and the mood persists for days or weeks, look for depression as the cause."

Thanks mymorgy! This is very helpful.

Just realized something: using this kind of label-words for a more complex thing within a board is also helpful in seeing myself more clearly. Like from some interaction with other people I came to see that seeing someone treated unfairly, especially a gentle person, I get annoyed and want to defend them. I have always known that I do that in real life but although it seems at first glance a nice quality it is not always good. As soon as I see myself doing it these days I remind myself to back off.
So this would be a "trigger" for me just like some things make other people sad or anxious. It is not good to get involved too much in this way because I have finally started learning how to defend myself. Once I start learning something, thank goodness, it goes fast. It is getting the "feel" of the thing right that is hardest. Does this make sense at all?

Dear Minymo,

You have a good group of pets!

I think that we call the budgies Parakeets here.
Do you have to cover them at night so they know to relax?

Chica is a good name for a dog.
How about the cats? Where did you get them?

I'm not so sure about the ferrets. I've seen ferrets and they are cute but weird looking too and I am not sure that I would want to see them all the time, if that makes any sense.

Mari

yes it makes sense because i think it is already there...does that make sense. I have tended since kindergarten to help the underdog. In graduate school, I even stood up to a very tall teacher who obviously controlled my mark but i couldn't stand that he was making fun of a fellow student in front of the class pointing out his accent and how short he was. I went to him after class because I didn't want to embarrass the student and made fun of the teacher's short comings, slumping and lousy spelling besides his despicable behavior. I just had to do it or else I wasn't bobby. My final grade rested on a paper and I chose the topic altruism...lol..I got an a-....boy did i luck out
I have heard such wonderful things about the Netherlands...is it true that is a faux paux to brag or to show off about ones wealth. I know they did it in art a couple of hundred years ago with the still lives showing how ephermal life was.
You are a fellow animal lover. At one point, I had fourteen birds. I rescued a couple of starlings..Sammy lived to be fourteen, two mourning doves...samatha lived also to be about fourteen..supposely the longest a mourning dove lived was 32 years. I adore german shepherds and obviously schnauzers...my heart was torn apart when mine died...
more later
Bobby
ps i had a killer parakeet..i finally had to let him free -he imposed too much of a danger to the other birds trying to peck them to death-i tried isolating him for a while but that made him meaner if possible

Ha, we seem to have a lot in common. I did exactly the same thing, a really nasty sarcastic teacher picked on the very weakest boy who had no friends at all and I got so infuriated that I could not control myself.
About the bragging about wealth, in the northern half this was the case but it is wearing thin as young people learn to "sell themselves" in the job market. Many have got a real problem grasping the idea, though. It has got something to do with the protestant faith having been invented and very virulent in this area. Plus there was disdain and aversian towards the flamboyant conquering Romans, Spanish and French, "with their plumes, wigs, men in dresses and perfumes". This was originally mainly swamp and the people were not wealthy and dressed for practicality and concealment.
I did have two white doves with the spread-out tails for a while but the neighbours complained so I had to give them to a petting zoo.
I've never heard of a killer parakeet. I do know that they need at least one other parakeet there, or they do the weirdest things out of loneliness.
I am a bit put out because I had a busy day, satisfactory but hard, and now I feel like I don't know "where to put myself". I hope it will be better in the morning, it usually is. How is your day?

that is interesting how the trend started. I assumed there were a lot of wealthy merchants...lol...
that was nice that you could find a petting zoo for your doves. Something was wrong with each bird I "rescued" and that is why I found them on the street. I had other parakeets which I bought but the killer parakeet got meaner and meaner. I had never seen anything like it.
What did you do today?
My day was horrid for a large part. I had therapy and I like my young therapist. She basically said I built a prison for myself. She doesn't understand that a bipolar doesn't do well with stress. I forgot to tell her. I will remember next time. Then when I came home I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I even had a crisis of faith. I tried to watch Harold and Maude and didn't have the patience. I took a bubble bath and that didn't do it. I took all my medication and thensome and fell asleep. I woke up feeling better. For a while there I was really frightened. Do you ever feel that uncomfortable in everything?
Bobby

I also take care of any animals I find wounded or sick in the street. Sometimes they just need rest, cleaning up and good feeding. We have got an "animal ambulance" service here that will come pick them up from my home if they need care I cannot give. They are volunteers and work with donations, and they pick up animals for free. If you pay a small donation each year, they will give you free rides to the vet in case your animal is in an emergency. Otherwise you can still use them for a ride to the vet put you pay them a realistic sum.
They are really good people and they also offer a chance for people, who would otherwise not readily be employed or who live on a large income they do not work for and get bored, to be part of society. Some very carefully screened ex-addicts get to work there as a stepping stone towards proper employment.

What did you do today?
I went with a friend who lives nearby to do our shopping for the week. She was very out of sorts because their doggy had an accident hurting his foot. She asked to go together because she feared making mistakes - which she did and I could help her. I really enjoyed shopping together for my own sake too but felt overwhelmed afterwards.
Late at night I found a cloister-style dining room table and four matching chairs on the curb nearby. People leave large stuff in certain area's once a week for the trash people to pick up. There was a lot of other beautiful oak furniture too but I had no room, alas. I am painting my bedroom so my home is full of stuff that don't belong where it is. My dining room table and chairs were 15 years old, I hated parting with them but the cats had scratched up the legs real bad.

I am sorry you felt that way. I did too. This is what I meant by "not knowing where to put myself". You know, the remark about building a prison for yourself may just be a way to encourage you to sometimes take a bit more of a risk of becoming restless. The idea being that it is better to develop ways of dealing with this restlessness than to avoid more and more, which could lead to phobia. You probably know all that anyway. I sometimes feel I am avoiding risk too much, so then I do a bit more.
It makes me more confident when I find a coping skill that works for me, more in control, but I do not like being dislodged from where I am by negative statements. It works a lot better to remind me of the last time something did work for me and how happy I was about it. I am very much a hedgehog whenever anyone tries to "correct" me by negative statements. Where I come from were very negative people. They were not interested in me, just in getting as much glory and praise about me for themselves as possible. So I forbade them to show everyone my paintings. Later on I learned people in my family were grateful for that suddenly stopping and they laughed when they found out why. Couldn't stop them from bragging about my school grades, though.

I did try out a couple of things too, and even so it took me a couple of hours and a nap to get over it, just like you.

For me, this is the next day, BTW. I am really enjoying this sharing with you. How are you today?

I got confused about that...why were they grateful? Also do you paint? What is your style? What do you paint?
That is so neat about the vet ambulance.
My vet is about ten blocks away. A golden safety net was thrown to me when Morgy died. I have a very close friend named John. We never ask each other favors. I debated whether to call him to go to the vet's with me with Morgy and Hammy but then didn't. The boys loved John. It was a snowy morning. Wouldn't you know I had walked two blocks and I ran into John...some miracle. HE WENT WITH ME TO THE VET'S AND SAID GOODBYE TO MORGY'S BODY.
if i understand, you wound up taking in the dining room set...that is so neat...in NYC they throw out really good things too and each area has a special day. Some people almost make a living out of it. We have great thrift shops. When I was younger I used to haunt them.
A couple of years ago I bought a lot of furniture on EBAY. All Chinese and Tibetan. Some have animals painted on it. I just adore the pieces. I bought them from the wholesalechinese dealer. He said ABC carpet, an expensive well known store in Manhattan sells his furnishings for four times what he sells the for on Ebay. Oh I also got a leather couch which Abby scratches and two Italian chairs..like Fornali(sp)unique....abby is going after the stuffing on one of them. Yuki prefers the wooden pieces, especially the altar desk and chair and the high Tibetan cabinet. I live for my animals and not for my furniture lol.
Restlessness is an excellent word. How can it give one so much discomfort it causes so much suffering. Isolating yourself I guess isn't the answer but when one can't concentrate on anything while it is happening, I find it hard to distract myself. Mild restlessness is sort of easy. I usually read at least a frivolous book a day. I follow the stock market. Now I am half following our upcoming elections but they are triggering me too much. I am an Obama fan.
Are there any comments about a woman and a black man running for president over there? I used to be a news junky and had the tv on 24 hours a day. Now for almost two years, maybe I have watched 48 hours total.
I too really enjoy our "conversations"...you are also a natural born writer....I can't believe your command of English...I don't know anybody who has a better command, especially with style
Bobby
ps thank God yesterday is over

why were they grateful? Well ... you know how it goes at family gatherings. Mom does not only get my latest "work of art" out, but also every time all the previous one's. It just became too embarrassing for me. I did a few good one's, as I can see now, but ... too much is too much.
At the time, it was mainly pencil drawings, charcoal and watercolours. The one I liked best was a portrait of Siddharta that really looked at you. An old bearded fella with really tired, wise eyes. I have not done any art for quite some time. Am actually thinking of starting again because I miss doing something creative. I did a few nice pottery things a couple of years back. I like beads, knitting, cutting and glueing, most things really but I do like to work finely, so woodburning is not for me. Enaemeling also not.

You like Chinese and Tibetan? Have you heard of Judge Tie? A series of books by Robert van Gulik? I am such a big fan. My daughter is into Japanese a lot lately. She is watching fan-subs in the same room as me and it sounds real funny at times.

Frivolous books: Terry Pratchett. The best laugh ever, but also magical and somehow, he shows you so clearly every single person has their own unique character and strengths and their own part to play within the universe, whether they like it or not.

Comments about the sex or skin of the presidency candidates? That is so "not done" around here. They do have opinions about the candidates, the gossips and speculations as to what they would mean to USA and the world in general.

Yes, the last few years I also did not watch TV very much. Sometimes I miss it and try to hang onto a series, or I organize a TV-evening with somebody, you know, we go over what's on the tube together and plan two movies, then I take care of dinner and TV-snacks and -drinks. It's lovely.

I am stunned and very honoured by your compliments in the end of your message. Hope to "read" you again soon.

i have been exhausted..that is why i haven't written sooner...almost like a hangover..don't know if it is depression or what..my ideas aren't depressed except for last thursday night which was the worse in years.
were you trained as as artist or did you just pick it up....i love when the painting looks back at you no matter where you stand...it brings it alive...I read Hesse's Siddhartha(sp) a long time ago but don't remember -i just remember suffering..i think...oh of course you know that many famous people who are creative are bipolar...I love all kinds of art..one of my favorite is john marin, an american. he made his watercolors move...i didn't know anything about american art until an american artist told me about Charles Burchfield who I simply adore...i haven't seen a Burchfield I haven't liked, and another american artist who told me about Marin and some others...I had just known about the European artists.
Do you have to be in the mood or do you just have to just sit down and inspiration strikes?
I just bought one of the authors you mentioned on amazon.com with the Chinese dectective and put a bid on the author on ebay. I have about 1000 books in my apartment to read. I buy usually in "lots" on ebay of the frivolous easy reading books...so I accumulated a lot...they wind up costing twenty and thirty cents a book.
Today I was thinking it might be harder to love an independent person...they don't have a quality of neediness that you find in more dependent people even though they need love probably more...what do you think? It is fine to disagree with me...lol
Bobby
ps john marin http://www.nga.gov/cgi-bin/pinfo?Object=66783+0+none
charles burchfield http://store.encore-editions.com/art...urchfield.html

I have stayed away from the board because I was beginning to misbehave. I got upset somehow, overwrought or something. I have read your thread "depression" to an extent. It stands to reason the iron regularity required for diabetes is real hard for us to do. I hope you are feeling okay today as much as you can.

I had a look at the two artists. My style would usually be closer to burchfield than the other. I have not painted for a couple of years. Everything I used to enjoy somehow got tainted by some people around me. Right now I am too depressed, I know I would be so much happier if I did certain things again that I used to do but can't make myself do them. They are all either made to be not mine any more or coupled with anxiety. That does not mean I give up.

Somehow I feel I am so ready to make a change, I am desperately looking for something that I can use to lift myself out. I know the last couple of years I have done the things everyone needs but does not like to do out of fear, and not done things because I enjoy them. Another motivation for the procrastrination was avoiding the anxiety I still feel as a result of old and recent trauma, I was told by a psychiatrist. It is like a wounded animal keeping still and hiding in order to heal, only I am through with it. I just don't know how to overcome the anxiety that attacks me any time I try to move.

So, I thought of this: I have a notebook that I will keep close. In it I will make a list of all the things I would love to do before I die. Regardless of whether they seem to be feasible. Small things, big things, anything.
Also I will pay close attention to what I do like to do out of my procrastrinating activities. Like you said to me I write so well. That pointed out to me, that, yes, I like to write. So I will find a course in writing short stories and try to flog them on the net. This is something I have never done before, hence untainted, and it is creative. Thanks a million for that.

In this notebook I will also write down how and where I would like to live in 10 years, and what I would like to be doing with my time, and who I would like to be able to physically see regularly. These things are all positive. I will look at them regularly and so I will automatically start to see everything I encounter in the light of their usefulness for the things in this notebook.
Just trying to replace all the "shoulds" in my life, which is all there currently is, with "I would love to's".

I really do hope you bid on the book-version of the china-author. There is also a comic-version, which does it no justice whatsoever. The beauty is in the accurate description of details of daily life, environments, thoughts which are all missing in the comic. This guy was the greatest sinologist of his time and wrote these books because he felt sorry for the chinese, who had lost so much of their own culture. Certain aspects of this culture were weird and sick but a lot of valuable aspects have been destroyed alongside the bad parts by MAO's revolution.

:hug:

I will write more a little later but I sent you a private message ...you can see it when looking at the screen in the upper right hand corner where it says welcome
Bobby

I did buy a book but i forgot the name of it from amazon.com
I read the I Ching, Book of Changes, book of Chinese wisdom for years and years and it is also an oracle.
I THINK YOUR IDEA OF WRITING IS TRULY EXCITING...i can't take any pressure anymore. i have no plans for the next ten years or dreams. I would have loved to see Kashmir though. As long as it doesn't pressure you and put more shoulds on your plate, i think it is a fascinating idea. looking backwards is painful.
how did you misbehave or you can private message me. Another often found trait in a bipolar is self criticism beyond the norm and feelings of failure.
Bobby
I would like your style of painting!
i equate isolating as wandering in the desert

how did you misbehave or you can private message me. Another often found trait in a bipolar is self criticism beyond the norm and feelings of failure.
Bobby

Well, frankly, I got over-enthusiastic about offering someone my opinion as to what the person could do to make their lives better. The mods told me that they did not like this by not allowing my post. I did not get it. So they did change my settings so I would be notified in a way I could not miss about them not allowing and why. I got upset at first then saw their point. They were really sweet about it. That is the answer to your question.

Take this pic: Most of the prophets as told about wandered in the desert a lot. Stupid me, I picture them as follows: a person that probably lived on mushrooms or other unsuitable stuff, with a very filthy loincloth, matted and incredibly dirty hair. I am such a cynic.

This was not a nice answer, and you are so nice to me. I apologize.

http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.c...997_1554168780


http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.c...997_1625797274


I have fallen in love with Ford Smith's work....
saw this in new orleans on sunday...
loved it!
bizi

[QUOTE=bizi;270719
I have fallen in love with Ford Smith's work....
saw this in new orleans on sunday...
loved it!
bizi[/QUOTE]

I can see why. Would have a hard time choosing between the two pics if I could have only one on my wall.

Oddest thing happened to me last night. I am very responsible and independent. I have a young German Shepherd female (3 years old) and I walk her 4 times a day no matter what. So I had two glasses of wine and walked the dog (42 kilo's of muscle and bone, never had a problem) and somehow the dog made me to fall just after a lady walked by with two grey dogs. I am not clear what happened, who happened, but I could not get up because I needed my left hand to get up and it hurted too much. So some lady around fifty years asked me what was my problem and I told her this. She took my right hand and pulled me up by it. I said thanks, now I can get home. She said nothing all the time, just looked resolute.

It feels symbolic, I don't know. Normally I would be scared and apprehensive after a thing like this but I am at this point happy and awaiting enlightenment. Even though my left hand still hurts a lot.

Funny thing. Asking the question brought the answer, it seems. I need to focus on who I am now and what I CAN do, rather than wanting to be who I used to be and what I lost. The left hand is traditionally the BAD hand, and incidentally my N mother is left-handed, was whacked on the left hand a lot for it. Thinking about how to put this insight to practical use.

There you are...
 

I was wondering what happened to you,and concerned. I saw that sad sign. I was wondering If I said something wrong. I appreciate you trying to help me on that post. BF

why apologize.i thought that was hysterically funny
Bobby

Hi, Minymo,

'Sorry about hurting your hand in the fall.
You were amazing to not get upset about needing help to get up.
M.

you know about arnica montana c..a homeopathic remedy for bruises etc. it really works..i hope you are feeling better.
I think it is a coup that you got a message blocked. I would have loved to read it.
Bobby
loinclothes lol

Hi

Thanks for all the nice reactions. The silly dog has a habit of suddenly stopping right in front of my feet, or changing direction so I trip over her. It took my hand only three days to be fine again. I have arnica-gel, actually, but did not even think to use it. How are you today?

I have been so thoroughly fed up with my depression, but really bone-weary of it. Of course it is impossible to suddenly get over it, the chemical imbalance takes time to re-adjust itself, but at least for the past three days I have been physically working hard around my house and garden, and also had a nice day in town with friends. The weather has been consistently sunny for two weeks now, I have found sympathetic friends here, it makes me feel like I am somebody again. So all in all I finally found the strength, after a couple of false starts, to go for life. I am so grateful for these past three days, whatever happens next.

Ha yes, it is an odd thing, I have attended some classes a couple of years back where a few resident Americans were also present. I am very careful about making the jokes that arise in me around my countrymen, they generally act insulted, but those Americans thought the comments I let slip when I was tired, were funny. So maybe I live in the wrong country?:D