I lost a friend
 

I started to post this last night but never pushed the post button because I couldn’t. I met someone last summer when I was in the hospital. We became very close and I felt like we were becoming good friends. She had a hard life doing drugs and alcohol and her family offered her no support. Even though I was so busy during tax season I kept in contact and I would text message or call at the drop of a hat because I knew she wasn’t doing well and she was so lonely. She’s been in and out of the hospital numerous times since I was there and I went to visit her whenever she was there because she could never catch a break from life and went through one bad relationship after another.

She sent me a text message on Wednesday while I was at work and said she needed to talk and would I come over after my appointment. Naturally I said yes. But I got so hung up with “me” stuff, and worrying about getting Hooper out of doggie day care I totally forgot. I came home and was so emotionally drained from my tdoc appointment I took a long bath and actually slept four whole hours.

I was going to post in the AM before I went to work but when I woke up there was a message on my cell phone. It was from K’s mom. She never showed up the night before at her job as a bartender. Her mom couldn’t reach her on her cell so she decided to check her apartment and she found her. They’re waiting for the toxicology results but they think it was heroine. I knew she was hurting but I never thought she’d do this. But what hurts is her mom said to me “I knew she’d end up this way”.

I don’t even know how I feel right now. She wasn’t BP or anything, just severely depressed and tired of fighting. The viewing is tomorrow and the funeral is on Monday. I usually don’t go to these because they’re triggering but I have to, for her. I want her to know that even though her family didn’t care much, I did.

Alffe thanks for reaching out to me. :hug: I’m taking your advice and taking Hooper out to the park. It’s not sunny and it’s quite chilly but I need to think about things.

I am so sorry BJ and I know you will find no comfort in knowing that you really were her friend, maybe her only friend. Unfortunately we just can't give people the will to live...it's hard enough to take care of ourselves. :hug:

thank you for having the courage to talk about it and giving us the chance to comfort you. :hug:

(((BJ)))Thinking about you and sending you heartfelt hugs. :hug:

(((((((((BJ))))))))))))
praying and sending love, hugs and deep sympathy:hug:

Cheri

I am so sorry about your friend. She was ill and nothing you could say or do would have changed it so please don't blame yourself. It is sad that her family feels this way. I think you should go to the funeral for your friend. You were there for her in more ways than you know. My prayers going up for her and you.

BJ, {{{HUGS}}} I"m so sorry. Its very likely that you probally were her only true friend. heroine addiction is such a hard addiction to beat. I admire you for being so brave and going to the funeral... My thoughts and prayers will certainly be with you....:hug:
vicky

i am really sorry about your friend. this is something that touches everyone like a ripple and you have my prayers. the funeral will be tough, but you are doing the right thing. you and your friend will be in prayers and thoughts.

Gee, that's just awful, BP. Awful for your friend and awful for you. Such a shame her Mom didn't haven't any faith in her.

Thanks for sharing your experience, even tho it was so tough for you. It's a lesson for us all to reach out whenever we can, but to know that ultimately it isn't something we have control over. It wasn't up to you to save her from herself.

It was HER choice, not yours, so no beating yourself up. Like Alffe said, we just can't give someone the will to live.

Many hugs to you, BP. You are loved :circlelove:

((((((((((BJ))))))))))))))):hug:

David

I just wish I knew why people who get pushed over the edge, can take that final step. Last summer I know I was psychotic, delusional or a whole combination of things getting on top of me. I was thinking yes take those pills, then no don't take those pills. But everyone here kept talking to me and I also kept thinking of how my mom would feel if I did do it. Forgetting religious beliefs, she would have been absolutely devastated. Not like K's mom who seems like she could care less. I know she drank a lot working at a bar and I know she did drugs. I tried so hard to take her away from that life and get her involved in other things like going to Barnes and Noble and reading or just chatting and drinking coffee. But she didn't want to, booze and drugs were her comfort zone. It took away her pain. I wish I could have done more for her, I wish I had remembered to call. I'm not sure if it would have done any good but I can't get it out of my mind that she felt like I abandoned her too.

That's survivor guilt talking dearheart. I think you are right about her comfort zone...she was self medicating to dull the pain. But you can't "save someone" who doesn't want to be saved. You might have delayed the act but she was going down that road. :grouphug:

You know that I think you are most courageous BJ. One of my hero's. :hug:

((BJ)) You are a remarkable woman and I am so thankful we have you here. As the others have said, she was going to make that decision no matter what, whether you visited or not, so please don't take on any guilt.

Bless her heart. Some may not think so, but I think she's gone on to make things right for herself and be in a better place.

Many hugs and lots of love ((BJ)).

I just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts.

......................... http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/h...hsympathy1.gif

Oh Bp. So much to deal with. So many life's harsh dealings. Benton and now your friend. Someone posted to me that if they couldn't stop their husband's alcohol abuse, what made them think they could stop suicide. I am trying so hard to remember who that was, forgive me. I really feel your friend wanted to say good bye. Much like my husband's oldest brother called "to talk" with my husband before he did it and my husband was at the coast. No matter what you could have offered, she was destined to end her pain. Whether it be from her careless family lack of attitude or just knowing she could not pull out of her weakness. Doesn't matter, it is all too painful no matter what way we look at it. Reading your post makes me cry for my significant other. However I feel, I know he is in a beautiful place now and in no pain, much like your friend. He just doesn't understand the wake of grief he left behind, just like her.

I am so happy I found this site. Whenever I am down or even having a good day, I can come here and post away. Honey, don't wrack yourself with guilt. Whether you had contact or not that evening the inevitable would have still taken place. God, I just so wish I could take your pain away. Maybe I should be speaking for myself. God bless. We love you and are so glad you are here.

I kinda wish they'd make a rainbow bridge for our loved ones....................................

I am sorry that you lost a friend....you have so few people that you call friends....you will still feel her presense...I believe that.
take care of yourself.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I called her mom last night to see how she was holding up. It seems like she was doing quite well, I heard music playing and she had been drinking heavily. I wanted to know more about what happened and what she found when she went there. She was in bed, music was playing and the phone was in her lap along with her phone book. There was an empty bottle of Tequila on the nightstand. I asked her mom if she had spoken to her that night. She said they hadn't spoken in several days because K threated her with suicide. She told me that K was just trying to get attention and she's done this before. All I sad was that was your own daughter not some stranger. She then hung up on me.

I've read a lot about suicide and they don't want death, they just want the pain to stop. And K certainly had a lot of pain in her life including her own family. She told me over and over how she felt abandoned by her own family and of the horrible fights she had with her mom. I just don't get it. I checked my cell phone and she did call me at 10:35 but left no message, just a noise came through. They said she died somewhere around 10:45 so she was trying to reach me but I wasn't there for her. I don't know how I'm going to be able to face her mom today. I wonder if she'll even shed a tear.

I have slid into the computer room here at the hotel shhh dont tell.I wanted to say how sorry i am to hear of your loss BP. you are in my thoughts. I know that others cant connect when they dont understand but it seems like you two understood each other and the loss i am sure is felt and it hurts. hugs to you BP. :hug:
PEACE
BMW

(((BJ))) "K"s mother will have the rest of her life to deal with the could haves, should haves, if only's. Right now she is in shock and dealing with her pain, as her daughter did, with alcohol.

I have no memory at all of our Michaels' funeral...it was/is just a blurr.
This woman's life is forever changed...maybe that's what your friend wanted..we'll never know what was in her mind. I believe that God was there with her at that moment.

What I know for sure, and I know that you do too, is it's the beginning of a very long nightmare. We can't go back because everything is forever changed.

Warm hugs and I'm off to church...guess who's in my prayers? :hug:

You don't have to go today BJ.
Yesterday, I did not go with my hubby to a students services who died in an accidental shooting...I told him that I did not want the emotional pain....It is called preservation.
bizi

I love you BJ - I wish you peace and comfort

I don't mean to show any disrespect towards K's mom. She just said some things that were confusing and hurt me. But I know she's handling things in her own way. And I also know she must be hurting terribly inside. I saw my mom live with Mark's suicide day in and day out and she was never herself anymore. When I got older we talked and talked about it and she kept telling herself she should have known, we should have known. So I know that K's mom will eventually go down that road.

I don't want to go today Bizi but I feel I have to. I want her to know that I'm sorry for not being there for her. I want her to know that I cared.

I'm going to church now and they're going to saying K's name in the prayer intentions. And then Father agreed to sit down with me before I go and help me sort some things out.

And Alffe, no you're my hero :hug:

((BJ)) :hug:

I'm so sorry your friend could find no alternative to relieving her pain. If you had dropped everything and rushed to her side, it might have delayed her actions - but only for that one night. You might have been able to relieve her pain for that one night, but you would not have been able to give her a will to live. You were her friend, not her savior.

All in all, you served your friend well. You provided her with a little sunshine, and she knew you cared about her. Sometimes that's all a friend can do - sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not. :(

Our thoughts are with you during this difficult time.:grouphug:

I'm glad you're going to talk to the priest before you go to the funeral. Remember that you won't be going there alone...we are all right there beside you. :hug:

I didn't for a moment think you were being disrespectful BJ...you were hurt and reacting to that hurt. I hope it's warmer there today and you and Hooper can take another walk later. :hug:

She's at peace. I never saw her really have a smile on her face like she did today. She looked really pretty and they hid all the scars and marks on her arms so you couldn't see them. I was totally out of my comfort zone. I didn't know anyone and just hid in the corner. People were crying hysterically but her mom just sat there staring at the coffin. It brought back such horrible memories of seeing my parents and Mark in their coffins but I couldn't pry myself away from there. I knew that after I left, they'd close the coffin and I'd never see her again.

I talked to a priest before I went, not the one that told me I'd never see Benton again but another one. I asked if she'd go to heaven and would God understand. He said "Thou shalt not kill and to take your own life is murder and forgiveness is really up to the Lord. Sometimes people go through many great ordeals that can't really be explained. They feel more than a loss of hope but, as well as a loss of life from within. So can there be forgiveness? I think that is a question that is really up to the Lord and that individual. The Lord loves all his children equally." So I think she's in heaven now with the angels and she's not in pain anymore.

I was proud of myself for holding it together. I just have to get through the funeral tomorrow. I feel like that little devil guy right now spinning round and round and round. How ironic, I'm a strawberry shortcake and I forgot my friend was in trouble.

More hugs and prayers for you BJ

Me Bp
 

I'm very proud of you. But I'm also very much thinking that you did
a great thing tonight, or today which ever it was.

I also believe that your friend is looking down now and watching
over you. Yes, I believe that she went to heaven, and the lord
is with her now.

See she was in pain and trying to get out and find hope.

And you had been reaching out to her, and she knew it.

So you were doing a good job, she didn't leave a message
because she didn't want you to feel like it was your fault.

And I'm proud of you for being able to be there for her.

Donna

I am too, a strawberry shortcake!

Bless your little heart for standing by and close to a very loved and cared about friend. It is God's decision and I feel her much at this point to be a very little child holding his hand. He will take her up high and she will be loved and welcomed to where she never felt welcomed before.

I really am concerned of her mother and I think, just like you feel, it will all come out in time. Bless her heart.

Know I will be with you in spirit tomorow at the services. I did not go to my husbands, I did not take my children either. I at that time, felt so crippling. However, in time, we will travel the 300 miles to daddy's burial. I cannot tell you my feelings about this, but will tell you my 11 year old will just be beside herself and my 4 year old will be playing.

I care and am so tremendously sorry. Gosh almighty. Just get through the next day. We are all here.

I just wish I could cry. I'm sitting here ready to burst and it won't come out. When my mom died do you know I didn't cry until the end of the funeral? I didn't cry at the hospital, at the viewing or through most of the funeral. Not until the priest asked me to throw dirt on the coffin did I lose it. People must have thought I was terrible but I couldn't get it out. My pdoc thinks losing my mom is what sent me on this bipolar roller coaster. But when my brother Mark committed suicide I cried for days on end, I let it out. But as I got older I tended to stifle my feelings because there's no one to listen anyway.

Nohope I can't tell you enough how sorry I am for what happened to your husband. And for Alffe losing her son or anyone else here that has lost a loved one to suicide. I'm so sorry for stirring up bad memories but I didn't know where else to go, I had no where to turn. I typed it all in then never pushed post because...........because. I can't even think straight now.

Dear blessed BP. Mixed emotions, I don't know. However, you will find your time to grieve. You knew her like no one else. You were there. I wasn't. I can only explain my grief of my husband and father of my girls. You loved her, I loved him. Where do we go from here? This site and everyone's will power to get us through the " next day". What now? I guestioned it, believe it, feel it, no matter, we all must take our OWN time to deal with it. Mercy

Take all the time you need, we all are here to listen.

BP :hug: :grouphug: :hug:
Sometimes I feel other things before I can cry ...or my body/mind will let me cry.?
Dont be so hard on yourself :hug: you are a great, caring ,kind ,unselfish person. and remember you have a room full of good people here :grouphug:
so if you cant cry ... well ...you can type and write a post :cool:
cus we have you in our thoughts and prayers .
Peace
BMW

BJ, I am so very sorry I wasn't able to be on to offer you my support before this. You are truly amazing, and I am so proud you were able to go. I have 6 brothers and sisters, 5 of us went, 2 couldn't. I am equally proud of all of them. Know what you need to do, square your shoulders and stand your ground. For each of us it is different.

I know at a service when a child or relative reads something it is about all I can do to stay in my seat. I just hate it, it is too raw. But when Dad took his life, I HAD to find a way to say goodbye, so I wrote him a letter. I still can't believe I was able to get through it, but I did. I know you going will bring you comfort later, you did what you truly felt you wanted and should do.

I also wanted to say, you were just the best friend to her. I lost a friend in highschool, he shot himself. I never returned his call either. I feel where you are coming from. But here is the thing, you were such a dear friend, had she wanted help, not only would she have called, she would have come knocking on your door. She knew you would be there for her, truly what better gift can you give as a friend?

I am soooooooooooooooooo happy you spoke to a different priest. Whew, I was getting a bit nervous I might have to visit your Father ;) You are right, this does cause another wave in the ocean of pain, but thats what we are all here for right? To help the tide lesson so we can hang on for the ride.

Do you have your own place? or a special place you two would visit? Maybe you could plant a small tree, bush or plant in memory of your friendship.
Thinking of you :hug: Nikki

(((BJ))) Thinking of you and hoping the funeral wasn't too painful for you. I'm sure that you are all "stirred up" and her death has brought many painful memories back to you.

We are here for you dearheart. :grouphug: Just do one day at a time.

{{{{{{{{{{BJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I haven't been around the boars much lately..Just havin problems gettin to the puter.
I just want you to know how proud i am of you for going to your friends funeral..
I believe when people pass on ,they can look down upon us..I believe your friend is proud of you too.


Please be kind to yourself{{{bighugs}}}}}
Love Kell

Her dad asked me to say something at the funeral since I was the last one she called and I told him I couldn't, my mind wouldn't slow down so I asked if I could read instead. I got some thoughts and ideas and just scribbled them and wrote this for her because she didn't have the time to say goodbye.

Goodbye to all the people I have met
Although I am gone do not cry
It is I who fear that you will not cry for me
Do not fear having me to hold, to talk to, to hug
Do not fear saying goodbye
My mother how I wish I could have said I loved you one more time
To everyone else I loved, I wish I had hugged you one last time
I will miss the good times and will cherish every moment I had with you
And I hope you will think of those good memories as you visit my grave
I see the light and it calls to me so I must go
I hope to always be with you in your hearts
I love you all but I must go, I must go

It was pouring down rain, thundering and lightening, just like K's life was full of turmoil. I went in before they closed the coffin for good. I swore I would never touch a dead person again after my dad died. I was holding his hand when he died and I actually felt the coldness go all the way down to his hand. I screamed to my mom that he's gone. I never even touched my mom and to this day I regret it. But I felt I had to so I touched K's hand, told her that she's not in pain anymore, all is good, you can rest now friend.

Yes Alffe this has stirred up a lot of things and brought them all to the surface again. I told my tdoc today to help me cry, I need to cry but I can't. Trigger myself into tears through the grief door she said. But why, crying won't bring anyone back.

you are right crying WONT bring anyone back crying is just a way to let go and the bodys way of facing the empty space thats there. It dose not fill the empty space but its how the body faces it sometimes. Crying is NOT a waste of time or energy either . i think what you wrote and shared today durring such a hard difficult time was probly a comfort no one else could create. but you did and you should be proud and take some comfort in your self and what you did today. :hug:
because all of us here are proud of you and think your a very strong and kind loving person. LOVE YOU BP love yourself first .
Prayers of Peace , healing and comfort to you and those in your life. God bless !!!
soft easy hug to you my friend :hug:
BMW

(((Bj))) Reading that at the funeral must have been so hard. It was thoughtful of her Dad to include you in their goodbye.

I know you have read a lot about suicide BJ...have you read Finding Your Way by David Biebel, & Suzanne Foster? It's VERY helpful and I thought about you when I read their chapter The Church. I'm going to post about it.

Also, it's time to make a batch of Tear Soup...please watch your mail for the recipe. :hug:

(((BJ))) Tears will come. You've been through so much.

The whole world is in such crisis. It amazes me we aren't all crying every day. But we'd fall apart if we did. Your's will come when you can handle it.

You're such a strong woman. :hug:

I didn't go to work today and took off the rest of the week because I can't think straight and I have all these emotions and images flooding around me. I called my pdoc this morning and told her I couldn't cry and wanted to cry, wanted to scream but I can't. She said she talked to my tdoc and knew all about it. She said to try watching a sad movie. So I watched Homeward Bound. I know it's silly but I cry at the same spot every time, when Chance comes up over the hill limping. But it did nothing, not even a weep.

I went to Barnes and Noble and sat in my comfy chair and had coffee and thought things out. I decided to go to K's grave and then drove to my family's grave site. I talked to all of them, asking what went wrong. No answer, no tears. My tdoc's wrong. I'm not resisting, I'm not shutting the door on her, I'm hurting inside and she can't help me. I never read that book Alffe but I just ordered it on Amazon. :hug: Maybe this will help me.