Brokenfriend
 

In two threads thus far, you mentioned that you have not been outside since last thursday and not feeling good. How are you? Would be a stoopid question. You are not well and unhappy, obviously. Would you care to share what is wrong and how we can help?

Thank you for your concern
 

Well,I have many problems. I hope that I'm not going to wear the people out who are trying to help me. I'm waiting for a SSD hearing because I've been turned down two times.

I've contacted social services,and have seen them two times. I don't think that my case worker likes me. I can tell. They haven't contacted me since those first two meetings. I think that it's been a week in a half. I'm waiting for them now.


I have a phobia problem. It keeps me bogged down,and when I walk out the door I feel it,but if I stay inside to long,I get cabin fever. I live in a rural area near my sister, and brother-in-law because they have this old vacant house in which they have fixed up with a portion of my Trust Fund Money for me to live in. By the way,I lost a huge amount of it,a little over 40 Thousand dollars due to a lawyers mistake. He won't fix the problem,and only a few lawyers in different regions of the Country sue,other lawyers. My family elected to not take the lawyer ,who helped create the Trust Fund, to court. There was one lawyer willing to sue,but he was 150miles away,and my dad cannot travel,and my sister has MS.


I'm living out here because they tore down a Apartment complex in the Capital city of this State in which I've lived for years, that was affordable,and I moved out here.They tore down other affordable apartments in that area after 9/11. Now that my sister has gotten to know me again,she doesn't like my personality,interests,my illness,and the way I do things. She doesn't want me over there,and my aging dad want's to be left alone. There's nothing to do out here,and gas is getting way to high to afford. Whats left of my trust fund will run out before my SSD hearing. My sister said that she will not support me. She told me this about 3 weeks ago,and it freaked me out. I'm worried. I don't know what's going to happen. The economy looks unstable. I may loose my SSD case. I don't know. I'm worried. I'm worried about loosing everything that I have.


I can't work because my condition has gotten worse. I'm having chest pains from chronic anxiety that becomes very painful at times,and goes under my left ribs,and through my body to my back. I have pressure in my forehead. I have trouble sleeping from intense anxious thoughts,but not all the time. I have these serges of electric type sensations shoot through my body.I also have OCD,and I'm depressed. Any excitement about anything good has gone,and I don't feel it anymore. I started having panic attacks when I was around 13,or 14. I'm having these eery imaginations of many kinds. Most of these thoughts are thought's of rejection from family,and people in general. My condition seems to cause a alienation affect between other people,and I.


I don't know why,but it's probably due to me being nervous,and defensive when there is a misunderstanding. I've been harassed at work,and bullied when I was in school. I have some sort of learning disability that doesn't come from a lack of intelligence. It's undiagnosed because they didn't know things about learning disabilities when I was in school.


I use to try to drink these problems away,but it only made it worse. By the grace of God,I was able to stop drinking entirely back in 1981. I haven't had a alcoholic beverage since 1981,so It's been over 25 years. My Dad was a alcoholic,and he had a explosive temper that came out on me. I'm not angry at him because I know that he had many problems that he never got help with. His dad died 3 months before he was born. His brothers where mean. He grew up in the Depression,and then he went into world War Two. My sister has MS. So did my mother who died last year. My Grandmother,who was a real wonderful loving grandmother,on my mothers side of the family died of ALS in the mid-70's.


I don't know the people in this area,and they are different from the people who I'm use to. I don't know how to get close to people anymore really. I feel a little love from my cat. I feel love from some dogs. I love animals,and they love me. I have allot of allergies,so I only have one cat,and I have a number of air purifiers from when I use to be able to afford them.I feal anxiety most of the time to the point of physical pain. I think that my doctor isn't giving me enough medicine. I've had about 7,or 8 psychiatrists,and one psychologist. The Psychologist was one of the worst doctors that I ever went to. I think that he was just going on what he read in books. I heard him say,"How did that make you feel" allot,and things like that. He was just two green under the collar,and unhelpful,and expensive. To top that he wanted to see me two times a week,or not at all. I couldn't afford it two times a week. I don't know what they are teaching psychiatrists,and psychologists these days. Maybe I'm being to critical,but they don't help anymore. The medicine helps only a little.

I was punched in the stomach at a Pentecostal church,in a deliverence session. I left that church ,and went to a balanced church that didn't do that sort of thing. They where a loving church. Now I have moved,and I don't want to end up in another church like that Pentecostal Church. I haven't found the right church yet. I sometimes had a discomfort in church,because of the Pentecostal church experience. They punched me in the stomach very hard two times to help heal me. True Story. I cannot explain this sort of thing,but other churches don't do that. Be carefull where you go to church,and make sure that the Pastor doesn't want to much control over you. That's a red flag warning. Please go to church. What happened to me was wrong,and rare. Neighborhood churches are not like this,and they are helpfull. I cannot help but feeling that the people in that Pentecostal church where aggrivated at me because they couldn't help me. This made me feel terrible. Can you immagine this happening to you? I forgive them. The church split not long after this. I feel bad about that also. This is true,and I haven't talked about it very much. I don't want people to get the wrong idea about going to church. Church is a good place to go for help. I recieved help from a Associate Pastor in counciling,and prayer. I will never forget that Pastor. He really helped me,with the Lords help.

There are probably allot of good Pentecostal churches,and Non-Denominational churches out there. Every orginization,and their people sometimes make mistakes. I'm not trying to be disrespectful about any good,and true church out there,I'm just saying that a mistake was made with me. A big mistake. I forgive them. I hope that no one has taken this wrong. Allot of people don't want to hear about churches,and the things that I mentioned can be greatly misunderstood. Brokenfriend

I wish I could think of something intelligent to say but I can't. All I can do is give you a :hug: and offer you some support. I can tell by your name Brokenfriend that you've been hurt by a lot of people like I have. It's painful I know and it gets very hard to trust people again. I hope things get better for you and you win your SSD hearing :hug:

Thank you Me BP?. I don't know why I wrote all of this out. I'm still reaching out for understanding,and help.
I'm stumped. I think I'd better slow down what I'm writing. I may be putting you all,my friends,and people concerned about me on overload. I may have that affect on people. I'm sorry. Brokenfriend

No brokenfriend

You are among friends here, and I'm glad you put all that out here.

Its been a long time, I'm thinking since you trusted people.

I'm glad your finding that you can trust us. Thats what we want, and
also what we are here for.

We love to help people, and you are always welcome to give us what
you need us to know.

I wish I were closer so I could help.

Donna:hug:

You've got a lot on your plate, don't you?

Sorry your sister and Dad aren't more help.

Keeping fingers crossed for your SSD to get approved.

Don't be a stranger, brokenfriend -- we are your friends. C'mere and gimme a hug! :hug:

Hi brokenfriend. I just wanted to drop in to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

I hope tomorrow's a better day. http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/i...lies/16hug.gif

Dear Friend,

Keep trying to find help for yourself and keep working out your thoughts here.
I'm listening.
M.

I thank all of you. This touches my heart
 

Dmom3005 Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm feeling acceptance here. Thanks.:hug:

Twinkletoes Thank you.:hug: to you. That makes my heart feel good. :hug:

Koala77 Thank you very much.:hug:

Me BP? Thank you for the PM,and encouragement.:hug:

Mari Last but not least. Thank you very much:hug:

Brokenfriend

I hope you know what happened at that church wasn't your fault. I am sure they were only trying to help but that definitely wasn't helpful was it? :( I have found a lot of comfort out of these boards and hope you can find some too. It definitely sounds like you've been through Hell Brokenfriend, just know we are here and like Mari said, (I am sure that the others feel this way too) I'm listening too. :)

Thank you Pamster
 

That's a nice nickname. I knew that this church was different,and they prayed allot,and they tried to help people. The day that it happened,there where some American Missionaries to Haiti visiting our church. I thought that I would attend that church because I was desperate for help,and I hoped that they could help me. They where a good group of people,who meant well. Because they prayed so much,I decided to go there for awhile. It's a good thing that I'm understanding,and I've read the Bible,through,and through. The missionary from Haiti hit me hard in the stomach,and my stomach was completely relaxed. I didn't expect that,then he hit me again very hard. I cannot describe what I felt after this happened.I don't know why they thought that could help. I believe that they read that Kenneth Hagen did this,so they tried it on me. I read that same book,so I knew that they tried it because they read that Kenneth Hagan did it. Hagan was a minister that founded a Faith University in the Mid-West. I respect him also. After a year the Pastor of that church said he thought that I would do better at another church. He said that they where a warfare church. Naturally this made me feal strange because I felt like I was being ex-communicated. They where a young congregation,and where not seasoned. The Pastor never went to a seminary,or any college. I forgive them,and know that it was a mistake,and advising me to leave was another. I don't know why I'm writing out all of this information. I guess that it's all down inside me,and I'm wondering if anyone else has been through this. I wonder why do these things happen to me?


I wonder if other people have been through things like this. Other things have happened to me. I hope that this experience of mine at church does not deter any one from going to church. I want people to go to church,and get prayer. I'm pretty sure that nothing like that will happen to them. So I hope that I have not discouraged anyone from going to church. That's not what I'm trying to do. I haven't talked to anyone about this in detail in a long time. I guess that I'm trying to get closure. I still have my faith. It's just sort of flickering right now.


I'm starting to remember other bad experiences that I've had. I haven't had any good therapy sessions in a long time. These counseling sessions have always been expensive. I hope that Social Services helps me to hook up to some good therapists. I hope for a good one.


This is a little joke. I think that it was a Henny Youngman joke. It goes like this..... A psychiatrist finds you cracked,and leaves you broke.... I love good humor. Brokenfriend

Geez, no wonder you're username is "Broken"friend! I can't believe anyone would punch you. Esp. someone supposedly trying to help!

No, you haven't discouraged me from going to church. People are nice to me there. I get to help with the children and they make me smile a lot! :)

You are right about prayer helping, and I will continue to remember you in my prayers. Hugs to you! :hug:

Dear Friend,
Thanks for the Henny Youngman joke. :)

Church people are like other humans -- they don't understand people with mental disorders.
We live among them, work among them, . . . . drive, live in families, shop, pay taxes. . .
. . . and yet people don't understand us, are afraid of us, hurt us, even hold us up to ridicule.
It's probably not their fault. How could ANYONE understand this??? I don't think I understand.

Sorry.
I'm not in a good mood today.

Mari

Twinkletoes Ain't that tha truth. When they where praying for me,I had my eyes closed,and WWaaMMoo. They punched me in the stomach,and I could not deflect some of the power of that punch. Then I got punched again. He didn't hold back either,and that's the hardest punch I've ever felt. I hate to say this,and I'm kind of kidding. The next time someone punches me in church when I'm praying,I'm going to open my eye's,and stand up,and knock their block off. LOL hahaha. That will probably never happen again.

Mari I'm sorry that you are having a bad day. Hugs to you.:hug: When I moved,I think that I got rid of that book,along with a giant Dumpster load of things. The book's name is,"Henny Youngmans 10,000 one liners".The thing I like about that book,is the jokes are so short. You can read them real fast. I was never a fan of his,but that book was extremely funny. I skipped over some parts of it. Brokenfriend

I'm exhausted right now but I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you Brokenfriend :hug: You're doing fine, you'll be fine. :grouphug:

No leading me away from church and god.

I would like to relate too. That the church I grew up in, In kokomo is
very strongly supporting the mentally ill. THey have a few members
that are bi-polar and other things. Two being my Sister and her husband.

My sister and my mother are both very involved in running the local
NAMI organizations, and they are working to get the police departments
to work with them too.

Our church there supports them, through loaning out the church and supporting all the things they do. Its a good connection. They also
welcome all the members to church and also make it very easy for them,
to feel like they belong.

Many have to be in certain parts of the church, need rides, or might even
need a friend to have lunch with. these are all things the church can
and does provide.

Donna

That sounds like a really good and loving church, dmom. I feel this is christianity practiced instead of just preached.

Minymo

You hit it on the nose. That is exactly what it is. They practice what they
preach. And they are upset when they hear some of the stories that come
in with the people that visit.

I am also very fortunate that they are always first to come to the rescue when my son is there that if he is off or having a seizure. They will stay with him, get my mom, one of my sisters or a nephew if I'm not available right away.

Even though I don't live close by they have been the church that has sponsored and paid half his way to church camp for many of the years he went. Even though I have a church here in my area. Its mainly because at
times we were between ministers, and were having services, but not a minister to sign is papers. And our church is very small no children around
his age. So when he went he always went with my nephew or by his self after he knew the group. So they would pay 1/2 his fee like the other kids.

One year I remember so clearly that my own church wanted to know later that year, it was a difficult year for us, with seizures and other health issues.
If I needed them to give me back 1/2 his fee for camp, because they learned
he had went and hadn't gotten to pay it. I said, because I knew they really didn't have the money. That no the church I grew up in at Kokomo had offered us the money, and had signed the ministry part since we didn't have
a full time on duty minister. The person asking, says oh that was so nice of
them. And even offered to go ahead and pay the other 1/2 anyway so we
wouldn't be out any money, because she knew how many bills we had.

So it is a good working double church at times for us. Donna

Dear Friend,
What is happening today?
How are you feeling?
Mari

Thank you Mari
 

Actually it was a good day. I figured out a problem that I was having with one of my hobbies. I went to the Pharmacy,and they didn't have my meds ready. I said that I here it's a very difficult job,and I didn't know it. I said I appreciate you all. I held out my arms. The pharmacist said yes,and she confided in me,and mentioned some of there difficulties. She gave me a big smile. I felt like I have lost some of my Pharmacy Phobia. I'm glad that a member posted just how hard it is for them to work in a pharmacy. Have a good day Mari. Thank you for checking up on me. I'm OK right now. BF Steve

Hi Dmom3005
 

God is my strength,and shield,no leading me away either. I have not found a church yet.

I wish I where there. It sounds wonderful in that community.

I wish that we had a community like that. Gosh BF

that would be so great about the phobia...
you are sounding better and I bet it isn't temporary...keep up the fantastic work..it is work with so many negative forces trying to pull you down
Bobby

Mari
 

I found that Henny Youngmans 10,000 One liners. let me find one.

Fortune knocks once,but misfortune has more patience.

Trouble,like bananas,often comes in bunches

One way to keep happy is to learn to enjoy trouble.

Every time I come home from school,my parents had moved

Nothing but troubles seem to hatch out of a love nest

One thing you can get without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble

The best gift for the man who has everything is a burglar alarm

I couldn't afford surgery,so my doctor retouched my x-rays

A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice,but a bigger home

The above are from," Henny Youngman's 10,000 One Liners" Quoted from Henny Youngman (Copyright 1989 Ekay Music,Inc.) BF:D I'm not selling the book. I just think that it's funny,especially on long auto trips

Thank you mymorgy
 

I'm just on the upswing,from a pit fall. I know what happens with me.Thank you for those thoughts,and encourgement. I did loose my Pharmacy Phobia. It's amazing what that thread did for me. I didn't know that pharmacist have such a hard time. I thought that I was the only one who had anxiety at the pharmacy. I feel better about it now. BF Steve