Crying Wolf
 

If someone you knew came begging for your help or desperately trying to seek answers because she was being abused (verbal, emotional. rough handling) how would you react???:confused:

What would you expect from the person you are trying to help?

This person was given so many resources, advice, a shoulder to cry on, ideas,and opportunities which as far as I know was poo pood or she was unable to do this or that at this time:cool:

When I acknowledged this and asked why not? I was censored and was frowned upon.

I felt that this person reeled everyone in and then cut the line. All these people felt sorry for her, worried about her, prayed for her and then all of a sudden She says it's not that bad!!! whuh!!!:eek:

I called her out! This person constantly does this. Am I the only person that sees this????

Anyway I am a normally calm nonconfrontational person:)

I let her know that I felt it wrong to worry so many people and questioned why it happened. I just wanted an explanation.

Again I was sensored. Dog gone it!!

I feel like a rebel now:cool:

Abuse is Abuse in my book and it's a very strong word and if you aren't being abused, don't say you are:eek:

Would love some opinions:rolleyes:

What do you think:confused:


* im a good girl.....im a good girl...im a good girl:cool:

I've seen that before too, Bethie. It seems like there are people in this world whose only "joy" is in getting attention from others. It has to be a horrible place inside and it seems like the void can never be filled.

A friend of mine is in a similar jam, she hates her job, she hated the job before this one, everyone she works with is a jerk,.... bottom line is, she hates to work! How can we help someone who won't be helped???

I agree! Abuse is abuse!

I think some people just like the attention and the "oh poor you" reaction.

I guess the only suggestion I can make is listen and be there if the s*** hits the fan for real. I know it is difficult to listen to it all over and over again. Someone is not going to accept help if they don't think they need it. If the friendship is that important to you, then you will be there. If it is not, then do you really need the constant worry?

So true, Girlie. The thing is, when a person spends her lifetime "crying wolf", how on earth are we supposed to know when it's the real thing? I was once actively involved in domestic abuse rescue and when you see the terror in that woman's eyes, there is no mistaking it. I honestly believe that there are people who exaggerate their situation just to get that "oh poor you" reaction. They just can't seem to get enough of it.

I think maybe it's a way of pondering all available options...kind of like making a list and seeking input in case there's an option that wasn't thought of by that person.

The person seeks advice, takes in all suggestions, gives testimony as to why some suggestions will not work, decides whether or not the situation is really as bad as it was made out to be when the advice was sought, thinks about what might be lost if any of the suggestions are followed, and then decides what to do.

Abuse is wrong no matter what form it takes. The person in question has to acknowledge that it IS abuse and make the first move. No one can do it for that person. I think maybe the person is seeing that and hoping things will change, but preparing to do something about it if there is no change.


Or at least I hope so...Just my take...Does this make sense?:cool:

I know what you mean Beth. Some people just like the attention that "crying wolf" gives them - even if it's for a brief period of time.

But when you offer up suggestions that might mean some sort of change for them they back away - or make excuses. I've seen it happen before.

Don't get yourself all stressed out about it. If - and when - they need true help they will have a hard time finding it because nobody will believe them anymore. It's sad but true.

Save your friendship for someone who won't abuse it.....:)

I agree with AMN and Girlie, abuse is abuse.

However, not knowing the full situation I can't really say it is for attention. The abuser may be playing mind games with her. It is all too common. She will talk about the abuse but because of the verbal and emotional abuse she will not take action until she's had enough. Sometimes the fear of what the abuser will do is more than enough to keep someone in the relationship.

I learned some of this by being in a very verbally abusive relationship. Although I got out before the physical stuff happened (and it would have). Abusers play mind games that you are completely unaware of.

For now you can only listen. Offering advice will do no good until she is ready to accept it. Encourage her to seek counseling (my priest helped me see that and made recommendations). Also, pat yourself on the back for being there to listen and help. You are a good girl.:)

Ya know Beth, I once was in a very abusive relationship. I spoke of it
to noone. I was ashamed, embarrassed, stuck and confused. I really
think that this person is looking for attention because what could you
or I really do anyway??????

When I was ready, I called someone close and left with my two babies in the
middle of the night. No shouting out for help and then refusing it. I
think all people leave when they are ready.

There is nothing you could do...... and yes, I think you are a good person.

:hug:

I understand everything that you have all written but the problem I have is when the person uses words like I desperately need your help or I am begging you! Those are scary words. They sound helpless so of course you want to do everything you can for them but then they come back with Oh it's really not that bad or he didn't deliberately abuse me:confused::eek: I for one must question that person. What is real and what is not.

Why get so many of your friends panties in a bunch and then turn around and tell them life isn't that bad:thud::thud:huh???

I feel my emotions as well as other peoples emotions were abused!:Sob::Sob::Demonstration:

In a round-about way, Bethie, it sounds like this woman is abusing your good intentions. She sounds like the type who is never satisfied with anything but the attention and pity. It's a form of manipulation.

The most disturbing part of this behavior is that she may be causing others to become so jaded to the situation that they will think twice before helping someone who is genuinely desperate and truly in need of help.

You might just have to walk away and give yourself a rest from her.:hug:

I agree with you, Beth. Unfortunately, this has probably become a pattern of behavior for this person and it's unlikely to change. They like the attention that it gives them. They are what I call "drama queens". Make it shound really, really bad and urgent and then when a group of concerned friends suggests something that might require action all of a sudden things aren't as bad as originally described.

Sox made a very good point. I too did not talk about what was going on in my home. I never asked for help. I never talked to my family and friends about things that were happening in the house. In fact, a lot of the verbal stuff that was going on I didn't realize until much later.

It was my boss that sensed that things weren't right and talked to me one day. While I was taken back by it, I also was defensive. It took me a while but after a few bizarre events, I knew what I had to do. (Mental illness was involved here). Bless my bosses heart! When I came to decision to leave I asked for time off to move. Not only did he give me a few days off, he gave some of the employees (men) time off to help me move and one of the girls in the office the day off to be with me.

Never did I say the things this girl has said. So, maybe she is seeking attention.

No Beth, your not the only one who sees what this person does. Some of us just choose not to get involved :rolleyes: ;)

Unfortunately, this person has a whole new audience and is going to play them for all she can. She has a sickness beyond MS and she truly needs mental health intervention.

She doesn't want help, she just wants to play the pity card for all she can and make excuses - you can't help someone like that but just be thankful your not like her.

I have a friend who was dealing with abuse (not physical). Although she never asked for my help we gave it to her. She took it with tears in her eyes and has said thank you more times than I can count.

There were no stings attached to what we offerred and gave. She is still with her husband but she found the strength and courage to not put up with his bull and knows she does have other options - she said she would never have been able to do what she has done without what we have done for her :Bawling:

When someone really needs help and are at the bottom they will take any and all offers. The person your referring to doesn't want the help. I'm just sorry so many people get sucked in and there is no way to let others know that don't know.

Beth, let it go. There is nothing you can do :(

Beth,

Many of us were drawn into that series of cries for help,..., only to find that all of a sudden everything was OK.

Then the was another post of absolute desperation. And we all were worried, until once again, everything was OK.

Now there is a new crowd playing the game and if it is ever real,..., nobody will be there to help because the game is getting very old and is abusive to US.

Hang in there Beth. We are in the same boat regarding this issue.

Speaking of boats....islands...and sand, let me know where to send you you part of the Kona beach! I will send it when we get back to the mainland.

-Vic

i know what you mean beth, your friendship, compassion and kindness, were taken advantage of and used. Unfortunately, there are some folks out there who have no guilt in doing something like this, be it for attention or because, all the screws are not tighten, either way it is not fair to the person who reaches out.

If it helps any, you did what was you, the right thing, you know the story of the good samaritan how many passed him by in his state of despair, before the one reached out, :hug::hug::hug: for trying Beth

Beth

Rest assured that you are not the only one who has been suckered in by this type of situation. I've been there...and many others have been too. These people love the attention, need the attention, crave it and when called out, YOU ARE the bad person. How DARE you call attention to them in a negative manner...who are YOU to doubt their real life situation. :eek:

They say you aren't living here, you aren't walking in my shoes...and the story goes on.

Well, you know what...this person has been called out by more than one person on more than one occasion and it just continues. She refuses to accept her situation...she wants to be a victim. It serves her purpose. So, let it be. You are a better person and you CAN live with yourself.

Walk away...and know you have done what you can and if and when she can or will accept the reality of life...then she will. But until then, know that you are a better person for having tried.

Some people have to truly hit bottom...and I mean hit bottom before they can see the light.

:hug: to you Beth...you are one of the good ones...and a keeper!!

I hear ya Beth!! I don't think I gave any advice on that particular confession. You can see the pattern for the last couple of weeks.

I'm not exactly sure of her situation but while there are women like Sox (myself included)that keep to themselves, maybe it was her way of getting advice on what to do. And in a way her confession was anonymous because she doesn't personally know us. It's a classic battered-woman response (I worked for a pd for 3 yrs) and heard/saw it many times--yeah he hurts me, oh but he loves me.

If indeed she is in that situation it will be only her that reacts and chooses when enough is enough.

I admire you for giving her advice and your sincere concern. I hope it won't stop you from doing the same for someone else as it could make a huge difference for someone.

I've been around since 2003...same story...different chapter. It just keeps happening...I think Snoopy said it all ....

Beth, you are just too kind hearted sometimes! We all seem to have someone in our life, someone who is more disabled, someone who is so nice and her entire family has forsaken her, someone who's spouse abuses them and there is no way out for them, someone who doesn't ever have enough attention and keeps seeking it in the only way they know.

In Dr. Phil's words, that person will die a very lonely person because they end up pushing everyone in their real life away.

Take care, Beth, and keep emailing me and getting it all out of your system!

Love ya

Y'all are such a smart bunch of people.:grouphug: I don't even know if I can add anything to this thread. What great advice from everyone!!

I don't know the specific situation here . . . but besides all the great advice that has been given already, the one thing that comes to mind to me is that sometimes people are very ashamed to admit when they are too "weak" to react.

It may very well be that she is over-dramatizing, or even adds fuel to the fire (who could live with a drama queen like that anyway?), but it also may very well be that he is abusive. Perhaps she is now ashamed to admit that she hasn't the gumption to leave, so she is down-playing it to save face.

The part that angers me in this type of situation, is that they play the "victim" so well, REPEATEDLY. I want to try to offer advice because I care about their situation, but also because under normal circumstances (where people NEED and value the advice) there are things that should be done to rectify the issue. If a "help" post is left on a forum without people adequately addressing it, it can't be helpful to those who might do something if given the right advice.

Not sure if that made sense . . . but as an example, if someone is talking about being beaten, I would write my response to meet the needs of the "general viewing public" on the board. Even if my advice doesn't help that person, maybe it could help someone else who is watching. Doing this over and over again though, for the same person, is very exhausting. It is very hard not to just say "get a life" after a while. :rolleyes:

It sounds like you are being censored though, so you have a couple of choices. You may have to make decisions on whether you even want to stay in that kind of environment and/or, if you can ignore the poster in the future . . .?

Cherie

Thanks everyone for all your wonderful insights and advice.

I have calmed down quite a bit. whew:rolleyes: ok....I'm good now.





http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/...twp16zelbp.jpg

Sometimes a person just needs to vent their frustrations, it's part of being human.

As others have said, we can never allow an experience like this to cause us to stop helping others. :hug::grouphug:

It definitely won't stop me from helping other people. I am just a little more cautious!

Isn't that classic victim behavior? Ask for help but then justify the actions because you are so blindly in love that you feel the need to defend the abuser. It makes no sense to me, but you see it happen over and over.

Edited to say - finished reading all the responses...glad you're not letting it get to you anymore. There's nothing that anyone can do.

The thing that strikes me is that it's so very, very sad.

Well, just finished reading this all. Bethie~ there's one thing I know for sure, and that is~ you truly are a GOOD person. I agree w/how you feel. It hurts to be constantly "reeled" in by someone who is desperately asking for help, only to find out they don't really want the help and are only seeking attention.

Meanwhile, everyone except the victim is upset, worried and praying. It's very very sad. Don't give it another thought. You can't help someone who won't or doesn't want to help themself. :hug:

No, Beth, you're not the only one who sees this. I was getting pretty fed up about a page before you.

New audiences can do wonders for egos that need stroked.

Now, we can sit back and wait for the Stem Cell Martyr to reappear. That is, if she is not in the middle of another horrific relapse but suddenly has a miraculous recovery just in time to go to Norway to bring in the New Year. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

I was a victim myself. Over and over....for 10 years. I had a physically violent ex husband who not only beat me, but almost destroyed me emotionally as well.

Why did I stay for 10 years? I was just too scared to leave. He threatened to kill me if I tried, and I believed him. I was that afraid of him. Why didn't I ever tell anyone? I was too ashamed. How did I expain all the black eyes and bruises? I was accident prone.

When I did finally leave that violent mariage.....after 10 years of bashings, total loss of self esteem and in fear for my life, only one girlfriend stood by me. Every other one of my friends deserted me, and every single member of my own family deserted me. How you you possibly leave such a wonderful man, I was asked over and over again. No-one knew what he was like because I had never told anyone what I was going through.

When you're really going through it Beth, you don't go on and on like your friend has done. You put up and shut up like I did, or you just run which is what I finally did........ without telling anyone at all. There really is no in between.

That has been very difficult for me to tell you all my story, because although it's been over 20 years since that @#$%&# and I got divorced, it still makes me cry and have nightmares everytime I tell my story. Although I now have the most wonderful, loving, gentle husband in the world, the fear is still there 20 years later. That type of pain never goes away.

You know what Koala, there is something to be said for the silent victim which you most definitely are/were. There is also the "cry wolf" victim.

Two very different cases. Those who suffer in silence are the ones who are victimized the most, the ones who are abused the worst. The people who constantly cry out for help, ask for advice, take advantage of their friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, anyone who will listen are also victims, but they are also the people who are in situations that they don't want to get out of. There is a difference. They are handed opportunities time and time again, but refuse to see the way out.

I had a friend who is like this. She is a doctor. She was married to an abusive man who beat her more than once. Everytime she called me for help, I would jump on a plane and go to her rescue because I always believed that "this would be the last time." You know how many last times there were? Too many. He put her in the hospital, put her kids lives in jeopardy, tried to kill her. Took all her money, committed fraud, numerous felonies, and still she wouldn't see the light. Finally, when the feds came and arrested him and hauled his butt off to prison, she got it!! He spent 5 years in a federal prison. During that time, she found out all the felonies he had committed against her. Her credit was shot, she lost her house, all her money, the story goes on, but I was there to bail her out because she had 2 kids.

One day I finally said no more...it was when I needed help. She could not be bothered to return the favor...the friendship was not a two way street.

There are different kinds of abuse and victims. The silent ones who take it until they can't take it anymore, and the cry wolf ones who can leave but won't. It's not that they can't, they think they can't. You're right, it's a self esteem problem. They are afraid. But when they've been offered a way out that's safe...more than once............

How right you are, and I see where I did fit into this pattern as a silent one who put up with it until I could take no more, and I can see where you fit as well, as the friend who did all they could, and then some.............

I think we both got hurt big time here Av8rgirl, just the circumstances were different.

At this juncture, I want to make a statement to any woman who might be reading this and who wants out of an abusive relationship. Please trust one true friend!

* Please locate your nearest women's resource center, they are prepared and equipped to help you in a completely confidential way.

* It is a scary thing to go through, but remember that an abuser WILL NOT CHANGE.

* There is help in every corner of this country for your very needs and when you're ready, the help is ready.

* Please do not be ashamed, you did NOT sign up for this abuse and you DESERVE to live a life free of fear!

* There is a local network of women and men who are ready, willing, and able to help you the minute you are ready to accept it. Please, please don't wait for a tragedy!

Koala: I had no idea:hug: It is so sad when someone has to go through this. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

You are an inspiration to me. Who knows, your story may help other victims to seek help and safety.

You guys are great. Life is good.:grouphug:

Me, too, Koala.....I had no idea, either. :( But thanks for sharing with us. It must have been hard to dredge up those memories but like Beth said...you may have helped someone else going through the same thing you went through. You just might be someone elses guardian angel today! :Girl(angel-flying):

I resemble your remarks and agree 100%. People who are abused dont
talk and DONT cry wolf.:(:mad:

Im glad its in the past for you, you are a wonderful lady.

:hug:

We have a wonderful organization called Samaritan House here. They have a women's shelter, and when they are ready to move on they help them establish a new place and a new life. What a wonderful organization - I feel good about donating stuff to them knowing that it will really be used and appreciated by someone who needs it. I hope every city has an organization like this.

Unfortunately, many women who live in abusive relationships perpetuate it by making up excuses as to why it happened (its thier own fault) and then protecting the very person they need protection from. These women don't leave until they are ready...if ever. Sometimes you just have to tell them you don't wish to hear about it unless they are ready to leave....when they help themselves, you'll be happy to offer a hand then...I know its hard to stand by and say nothing though esp when kids are involved.

Bethie...remember one very important thing...YOU are a good person and YOU can live with yourself! :hug:

Beth,

If you've been around the "other" board for any length of time, you'll remember that this same person has been "hurt" by posts before...to which she has to announce that she going to "stop posting" because of that hurt.

But she always seems to come back...only to be eventually hurt by someone's post...which causes her to announce that she is going to stop posting...

...and the cycle continues...

After watching the cycle a few times, I now limit my responses. I might offer a good word to a good post...

but I steer clear of anything that isn't upbeat.

[quote=Koala77;270411]I was a victim myself. Over and over....for 10 years. I had a physically violent ex husband who not only beat me, but almost destroyed me emotionally as well.


Oh my Gosh!!

I read this and it brought back memories of my first marriage and how he beat on me and I felt I deserved it for being ugly and dumb.

After all that's the way my Dad raised me and I was just darn lucky some man would have a stupid ugly duckling like me!

I finally left after the monster I married kicked me in the stomach and I miscarried at three months. It wasn't easy but by leaving I got out alive.

I am married to a wonderful man now who thinks I am a beautiful and smart lady!