A human conditon
 

The Serial Befriender

Beware of the classic Serial Befriender! No one is safe! Guard your vulnerability for those who will treasure it and reserve your devotions for those who will reciprocate your gift!

It seems like we've all known at least one individual who simply will not keep a platonic friendship beyond that initial period of infatuation and flattery. This chronic cycle begs the question of whether it's a habit, some unconscious insecurity, a form of self-preservation, or perhaps a deliberate refusal to become honestly invested with any other individual in a meaningful, lasting way.

There are those with whom a pattern emerges disclosing a perpetual habit of flitting from friend to friend as if the poor, unsuspecting sots have an expiration date stamped on their unprotected hearts. The victims simply become as disposable as candy wrappers leaving a heap of trash in the sofa cushions of society.

It is, of course, unrealistic to expect that all of our friendships will last a lifetime —many friendships have their own limited lifetimes— yet, when one routinely, casually pledges a deeper level of commitment and intimacy that is then suddenly and inexplicably revoked, it is plain that a Serial Befriender is at large. These crimes against humanity are both hurtful and disturbing to those who experience the ambush, as well as for those who witness it from the sidelines.

For anyone who has enjoyed lasting friendships, this chronic disappearing act is an affront to all the basics of true friendship. No one who has managed to maintain a true friendship escapes the inevitable disagreements and difficulties, but when a friendship is valuable to both parties, the effort to resolve differences is the rule rather than the exception. We humans are designed to communicate and express our thoughts to one another.

There is no sure way to avoid the snare of a Serial Befriender, the rush of joy and freshness is most intoxicating! To protect oneself from the crushing blows of a Serial Befriender, one must be on guard and ration vulnerability with care and the realization that hopes and expectations of lifetime friendship simply may not be mutual to both parties.

:hug:

Adding blather just to get my emo to show...

Amen Cindy, I have experienced this type of friend myself. It's really sad when you invest into someone and try to develop a friendship that can be a lifetime experience. I have been jaded in the past and it's not fun for anyone involved. I can count on my hands how many "true" friends I have in my life right now. Many of the one's who are gone were lost after Jim's condition became worse, some later.

This type of thing happens and I try to look at it as a lesson in life. It helps one to see the warning signs long before the hurt starts. Thanks for posting this. Maybe it will help others be sensitive to those they are befriending. If one is not into developing a close bond with someone, don't waste the time of the recipient.

:hug:

That would imply that they are actually considering the feelings of the other person. I'm betting that the type of person that falls into this definition is thinking more of themselves and their own needs. :(

Very true Greta. Thanks for pointing that out. :hug:

I've always been a very guarded person, using humor and sarcasm to cover up anything real. Only a select few friends really knew what was going on with me. Now though, jobs have separated us, love and family have graced us, establishing roots and stability have consumed us. No one really knows me anymore, only my Dennis and my sisters. Even when I'm closed up, they really see me. I'm so glad to have the "adult" relationship my sisters and I have, it's an amazing bond. I really miss so many friendships I once cherished though, but I'm just as much at fault for letting these friendships go by the wayside I guess.

It's a very unusual person to have been able to maintain a friendship that started in childhood.

I was in such a relationship (for 46 years). ever since we were 13 and freshmen in High School.

Just imagine going through double dating, boyfriends, sleepovers, parents becoming friends also, being each others maid and matron of honors, baptiizing each other's children, babysitting, house parties, block parties, holidays, graduations, WELL YOU GET THE DRIFT.

46 years of a friendship. OR WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A FRIENDSHIP.

It all went away in a poof. Don't want to post the whole story, but, to me, when a person gives their word, that person should keep their word.

And if they can't keep their word, for WHATEVER REASON, then that person should do all that they can do to make it right.

Plain and Simple Logic.

She did not do that. She just "disappeared" from my life. As did her whole family.

In one day, I lost over 50 people. People I shared block parties with, graduation events, communion parties, LOTS of family get togethers.All holidays.

Do you have any idea what it is like to be Auntie Mel to a group of people and then in a flash, you don't exist.

I do, because that is exactly what happened to me.

I found out that, in actuality, I never really mattered. That Alan and I were just an extension of their mom's friendship since she was 13. That we were good enough to bring goodies, give them my son's furniture, arrange to speak to medicare reps for them, DO STUFF FOR THEM, because they were raised to be entitltled.

But when you actually realize that the person you considered practically a sister, and the family you really thought of as family, well, that THEY REALLY DIDN'T see you in the same light..., well, let me tell you, talk about trust issues going on.

I really don't think I could ever put my heart and soul into a long lasting friendship again. Oh I have friends, and I can be depended on, but I have learned not to have too high of an expectation because people will disappoint you. It's just human nature.

If you had asked me years ago, if I had ever thought that this friendship would be irrevocably broken, I would have laughed in your face and said: 'are you out of your mind?" Because that's how solid it was for 46 years.

But people change, and most especially, loyalties change.

I always expected that one of my friend's adult children would show up on my doorstep and say "Auntie Mel", we are so distressed to learn of this whole nonsense, what can we do to make it better...because after all, you are Auntie Mel, you have always been Auntie Mel, and we always want you to be Auntie mel".

I really thought this would happen, or, just in case this didn't happen, I really thought she would show up with a box of pastries, knock on my door, and go "This is stupid, I made a mistake, let me make it up to you".

Believe me she was given opportunities, and mutual friends tried to intercede. She would have none of it. She chose to hang her head and not address what she did.

How a person can destroy a 46 year friendship, well, it's beyond me.

But I have had this happen.

So I lost the whole family, all the block parties, all her sisters and brothers, her sons and daughters, EVERYBODY that I knew for those 46 years, just went bye bye, because no one had the guts, or the courtesy to pick up a phone and try and intervene.

It's over 2 years now. It's too late. Sometimes it really is too late to go home. I've heard of that.

So when I read these posts about fare weather friends, and people flitting from friendship to friendship, well, my mind goes back to a friend WHO I ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS A FRIEND, but turned out TO HAVE NOT BEEN A FRIEND. And the family too. All the weddings we attended, all the gifts we gave. They actually have my sons bedroom.

Sometimes it's hard to fathom how one person can betray another person.

Guess it happens every day.

I just read this in the paper today. We can't go back and change the past, but we can do all we can to make A BETTER PRESENT.

That's about the best we can do, right??

It happens to everyone, Jess, life is full of ebb and flow. If you're happy and fulfilled with your relationships then who cares what anyone else thinks?


I don't mean to cast guilt on anyone or suggest that I'm suffering in any way. I've just observed things from time to time and felt like babbling about it. These rough patches with the MS tend to have me thinking far too much!:o

Thank you
 

Cindy and Jess i;ve been been in 2 many Hospitals latley writing on this machine, I guess people get tired,forget,don't care. Well just thanks Sue

I surely hope you journal Cindy! Have you considered writing a book..your words are spot on! Thanks for babbling...*grin

Simply too exhausted right now to read these posts with any degree of comprehension, but I will be back to give them the attention they deserve! (To see if everybody meant what I think they meant)

I tend to draw away from the "hi, glad to meet you, ooh we have so much in common, I just know we're going to be best friends 4ever, let's borrow each other's sweaters and share all our secrets and take a vacation together and talk on the phone four times a day" approach. Wonder why?

I've certainly met a few people over the years (male and female) with whom I've instantly "clicked", and some of those like-at-first-sight situations have grown into long-lasting friendships. But not all.

I've also had a couple of experiences where someone has, for whatever reason, targeted me as the next best friend, and virtually overwhelmed me. Then, either when I'd become invested myself, or when I couldn't possibly meet the expectations of reciprocality, ZOOM! She was on to the next best friend, and I was standing there wondering what happened.

I can count on one hand the number of people I consider true friends. I wasn't always like this and considered just about everyone a friend - or a potential friend. Then......my best friend ripped the rug right out from under me and I have never been able to have that same degree of closeness with anyone again.

I realize that this is just my way of protecting myself from getting hurt again and guess I'm willing to forgo the fun and satisfaction that having a BFF brings. Try as I may I just cannot put forth that kind of trust again. And I miss it. I'm leery of anyone who seems too eager to become my best friend overnight.

That experience changed me in a big way. Made me question everything and everyone. It woke me up with a big slap in the face with reality. Now, I question everything. I don't like being that way but I can't seem to be able NOT to. :( I was taught to treat others as I would want to be treated. I guess not everyone buys into that theory....:rolleyes:

I try to be friendly with everybody, but have always had very few true friends. I've had things happen in the past that make it hard to trust. My hubby swears he's not quite sure how he snuck in under my radar, lol.

Thanks, everyone. This is really interesting to me. I wrote the ditty a few days ago. Then, after talking with my neighbor and her posse who are all about 9-10, it came up again.

They came by just to be social for a bit with their spinster-gimp friend. (LOL, that always crackups me bigtime.) I noticed that two of the usual suspects were missing and two replacements had joined the little group. They explained to me how they had to switch friends because of this or that... and it reminded me how sometimes adults also go through friends like toilet paper.

It got me to thinking of how much like adults they already are in that respect. Then, I thought, are adults more like children in that respect? So, I tapped out some more thoughts about it and spiked it with a little of my own experience. After another conversation with an adult, I thought it might be worth posting.

I've had my share of these types of 'friends' too. BUT for the past 30 years I've kept my best friend through thick and thin. We have said and done things to each other over the years that would have ended most frienships but we know each other so well we always forgive. I really believe that is the key to long term relationships. We never bring up things from the past that might hurt the other. What's done is done, right? We value our friendship too much to let anything tear it apart. She was the very first person to show up at my paren'ts house after my mom passed away :)! She was the second person I called (after my dh). We live a 1000 miles apart so sometimes we lose touch for a month or so but that's okay because we pick right back up like we had talked the day before. We are both so lucky :)!

Interesting thread, Cin. Outta the mouths of babes, eh??

Friendship to me is something that you shouldn't have to work at~~ It just "IS".

I have been so lucky to have many amazing people/friends in my life, but it's a 2 way street. If they don't like something about me, I change for no one. I'm a "what you see is what you get" kind of person.


:grouphug:

That's just it Daisy. One should never have to change who they are to keep another.