sad one
 

I am 27 years old and suffer from depression and bipolar disorder. I have tried to commit suicide 4 times starting at the age of 16. Last oct i almost succeeded the hospital gave me a 25% chance to live. I have been in counseling and lots of medication my dr thinks that i am medication resistant. i feel so deperate for help but i dont know what to do please if anyone has any suggestions please share them with me. I feel as though if i dont get help i might succeed in killing myself. I need someone to shine a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I also did impatient and group therapy. Please help me if you can thank you.

Hi Denise, I am sorry that you are in a tough situation. I was able to recover from anxiety by working on issues like self-esteem, personal boundaries, meeting my needs, empowerment, gaining control over my life, learning how to deal with my feelings and dealing with all the feelings that I had not dealt with, learning how to live in the present fully, social skills, to name a few issues. Have you ever dealt with any of these things in therapy? Did you have a tough upbringing?

Denise...http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

I know of two members who have had that implant...Dreambeliever and MeBP
both had it done. I will try to pm them to talk to you.

Denise...here is some info
 

HI Denise,
 

I have dealt with suicidal tendencies since around the ripe old age of 10.

I have lived in counceling for over 10 years. Luckily, I had a Dr. to step forward and practically take over making decisions for me. Even though I was married Bill was just too sick to help me because of what he was dealing with. I lost him 18 months ago the 21st. I will say when you are dealing with depression as bad as you, you need to be in a good councelor at least 2 times a week for quite some time.

My problem is I pull myself up but I don't stay there. Right now I have several issues going on that has practically wiped me out again. I'm trying to pull myself back up.

As far as the VNS there is a board called the Vegal Nerve Stimulator board and you can go there and everyone will help you make a decision on getting it implanted. Mine is off right now due to my other medical problems. It does have it's pros and cons but I do believe that it helps some people a lot. We do try to turn mine on every once in awhile but then I start having some problems from it. I feel like I shouldn't have had it put in due to too many other medical issues that it can mess with but as I said, I see a lot of people on that forum that does like it.

As far as insurance, if you have any, nowadays they seem to be very willing to pay to have it implanted. Mine got approved with in a month. My Dr. wrote a good letter to them that got it done. He was even more worried about me after Bill passed away so we made the decision together.

I will say what you are dealing with is basically what I am living with. I do have times when I am suicidal today but I seem to be able to come out of it quicker then before. You can't give up. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know because in a lot of ways, I have found it.

If you want to PM me, I will tell you more or I will listen to what you want to tell me about your story and give you more info on the VNS. I will gladly help you in any way I can.

Ada

thank you
 

thank you so much for hope i really need it right now i am very interested in the vns if you can give me more info i would greatly appreciate it

thanks
 

thank you all for helping me and giving me advice i just came here and feel like i am not alone and maybe there is help i also feel better that i know there are alot of people like me out there and that we can help eachother

You are right. Yes we can. You are not alone. There are a bunch of us here hanging on to all the help that we can get,and hoping for better things to come. Brokenfriend:hug:

not good news
 

Well i went to neurolgoist yesterday and he wants me to go for an mri and blood work i went for the blood work today and mri on tuesday may 27 than i have to meet back with him on june 12 to discuss my options he thinks i should try ect before the vns implant my therapist and primary do not recommend that because of memory loss and i already have some of that do to my medication. i also cant even hold a converstation at this point it is hurting my famly to see me like this. I was very down yesterday because i thought i was just going to go get the surgery and everything would be ok in a couple of months but it doesnt look like that to me i have lost my job and everything do to this illness i feel like i am fighting a battle and the illness is winning when i was young i was a straignt a student with plans of going to college and now i dont even know who i am when i look in the mirror.

Hi Denise
 

It sounds like they are being very careful,and your therapist,and primary are overseeing everything. That's good. It looks like you are on the right track.

Your family hurts,but you hurt the worse. You are worth all the concern from doctors,family,and everybody helping you.

Your life is more important then your job. Try not to even think about your job. Don't feel guilty for not working. That's false guilt. You have allot of people in your corner now,and you have a caring family. There is no pressure for you to change immediately after everything is said ,and done. Don't worry about that either.

Don't look at yourself in the mirror to much at this time. As time goes by,you will know more about who you are. Try to go with the flow,and try not to figure these things out,because it can bring major head trips if you know what I mean.

We all love and accept you in this forum community:hug: Brokenfriend

little bit of hope
 

Well I went to a new phychatrist on Thursday and he is going to talk to his associate and maybe have a decision what i should do if i can get the vns surgery i have to meet back with them on June 3 which seems so long from now. I have waited 12 years and i am just getting frustrated. I want to get better and go back to school and get into a career that I always wanted to do. I thank all of yous for your support and just to talk is nice. The doctor said the neurologist has no say in what i get done its his decision. if they approve me on the 3rd than they send in the paper to insurance company and if they approve it than i go to a nerosurgeon.:o

Denise
 

I know that you are desperate. All of the time it takes to get help is also hard. It takes time. My heart goes out to you.:hug: Brokenfriend

Hi Denise,
 

I am glad that things are moving forward for you. I hope the VNS does what you need it to do.

I was offered the ECT back years ago and my PCP said no to it also. I was so bad off, I would have let them do about anything so he made that decision for me.

I think you will get better and be able to go back to school. Once you get this VNS approved, it starts moving pretty fast. It's a one day surgery and then they wait about 2 weeks to turn it on, sometimes less, it depends on how fast you heal from the surgery.

Hang in there.

Ada

defeated
 

I feel like i lost this battle i am so tired of suffering. I want to thank everyone for their support. but this is one battle i cant win i have been through rape physical abuse but nothing tops this depression. thanks for all your advice.

June 3rd is not that far away Denise...it's next Tuesday! You really need to give the VNS a try....you might just gain a whole new future. :hug:
Please don't give up....we are here for you. :grouphug:

thank you for your support but now they dont know if they want to do the vns surgery. or try other medication i am giving up hope that a medication will work for me and i am affraid i will hit rock bottom very soon again and i feel like i am getting closer eachtime i try to take my life closer to it i dont know what to do at this point i was looking forward to the vns because that was giving me alittle bit of hope now on june 3 like 5 of us are going to discuss what the best option is for me and i am affraid if it is not what i hope than i will lose it again. i am just tired of being disappointed at this point thanks again for all your love and support even though yous dont even know me its ashame i only have my husband and now i have all these strangers that are like my family. thank yous from the bottom of my heart and thank you to my husband for being my rock when i am not strong enough to get out of bed or stand on my own two feet.:grouphug:

Hi Denise
 

Please don't give up. Sometime the clouds make it feel to dark in depression. My dear Denise,we all love you here. Your strong husband is there for a reason. The light of life is close. It does not feel like it sometimes.

Tell your doctors what you have told us. There is hope. Believe me,there must be a answer. Have you been to the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome area on here.

My dear Denise,you are precious. You belong here on earth. They are getting closer,and closer to new cures. They are even doing research as we speak all over the world to bring about new tremendous help.

Do you think you are seeing the right doctor? Allot of us have had some crummy Psychiatrists. I've had several in a row. I plan on seeing a different one in a couple of weeks.

Knowledge,and understanding of emotional trauma,has doubled in the last 10 years. I think it's going to double in the next 5 years. They are gaining momentum continually on how to treat us.

Have you tried a good church? I have found warmth,and encouragement there. Brokenfriend:hug:

Just want to send you a :hug: Denise and check your PMs ;)

thank you for your words of encouragement i guess i will just have to see what happens on tuesday i am very nervous. so is my husband because whenever i am let down he knows thats when i am most dangerous to myself. thanks again for everything yous really are angels on earth. and i have found alot of comfort on this site thanks again

Your welcome Denise
 

I hope that today goes well. It early Tuesday morning. I'm thinking about you. I'm so glad that you have a compassionate husband. That's so wonderful.

Think of about ten good things to live for. If you think about ten,you can think about twenty. Then you can make a list.

I hope it goes well. If not,you can get a second opinion. There are always other options. Think beyond this week,and think into the future,with your husband. Think about your kids achievements,and future.

If one door closes,look around,and another door opens. There are always people who want to help. There are always places to go for help. The Sun rises every morning. There's always prayer,and hope. There's always a way to cope.

I hope that you have a nice day precious Denise,the apple of God's eyes. Brokenfriend:hug::hug::hug:

Let us know how it goes today Denise...we are thinking about you! :grouphug:

thank u so much i am nervous and i will let you know

you have helped me get out of bed this morning i am so scared and affraid what i will do if i dont get any answers today i have never felt so tired and joyless and worhless thank you for your support will update everyone as soon as i can thanks again

Thanks Denise
 

We love you. How did it go?

I hope that it went well,but If it didn't go well,there is a plan B. You will be OK. Lets hang on. Brokenfriend

Denise You are like a bright shining pearl. You have great worth.

You are in my thoughts,and I hope that you are doing OK.

Patience is a virtue which you have shown. Brokenfriend

well i went on tuesday and i broke down again they want me to slowly go off the lamictal so they can try a mao inhibitor which they said is the last resort in the medication i have to go back on june 17 to discuss the medication and also the surgery so i know the next 2 weeks are not going to be very good for me and i told all the drs and therapist that too that i am scared for my life at this point thanks for all your support

Hi Denise
 

I'm not sure,but it seems like the doctors may not be helping you in the area of cheering you up. How many different medicines have they they tried? Have you tried including vitamines with your food? Just a thought.

Have you been to other Doctor's,or have you only gone to this one group? It seems like doctors loose a interest in some people after awhile,not all of them. Some of these doctors are not very good. Believe me I know.

I've been to about ten different Psychiatrists. I started having problems with panic attacks,and it was like a black cloud would come over me out of the blue,and all healthy thoughts left,and I was filled with dread,depression,and crashing thoughts. I was about 13 years old.

I was left with a feeling like I had a end,and I was looking at me as a book,and most of the end of the book was ripped away. It was a strange feeling,and one that was hard to explain. So I understand major depression from a early age. I'll stop there. I certainly don't want to make you depressed. I just want you to understand,that I understand.

Take the medicine,and see if it helps. See if it works. I'm sure that there are other treatments.

It's in times like those that I'll open the Bible,and go to the area that says Psalms. I also go to Isaiah 41 in the Bible in,and around that area. That has a very calming affect on me. I'll find a verse, and stop, and meditate on the verse. These sentences have a deep,and good affect deep down in me. Brokenfriend :hug::grouphug:

Denise
 

You are not alone. We are here,and standing with you. BF:grouphug:

Denise
 

Someone in the (Sanctuary for Spiritual Support) was asking if you could come there. All you need to do is scroll up closer to the top of this website. That's where it is,and they are very nice. Brokenfriend

Denise
 

Are you OK? Your in my thoughts. I hope that I didn't say anything that bothered you. I only mean the best of heart felt intensions. I hope that you are having a peaceful evening.

Is the medicine helping? Brokenfriend

down and out
 

No nothing u said upsetted me I have been so tired and down havent been out of bed in 3 days. Just hard to function i am out of bed today because i have to go see my therapist i have tried 8 different medications and 3 different dr's. I dont start the new medicine untill i go back to my dr which is june 17 right now i am taking lower doses of all 4 of my medicines to get me off them to try the mao inhibitors. than on the 17 we will talk about ect or vns. I hope i see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. I hate to say this but i used to go to church alot as a little girl and stopped going when i was 16 when i was beaten and rapped i used to go to sunday school and church on thursdays too. I guess i stopped believing in everything at that point thank you for all your support hope u are doing better than i am.:hug:

Denise
 

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this.

I stoped going to church when I was a kid,and I started going back when I was in my 30's. We all struggle with our faith at some point.

There is something out there thats going to work for you. I truly believe it. Hang in there.

I'm very tired right now. I wish that I had more to say. Brokenfriend

Denise
 

I'm thinking of you. Hang in there. I know how depression is. It drains everything in you,and people cannot imagine the degree of depression that you are in,but I can. I know how it hurts also.

Please hear my heart. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I also believe that help is on it's way for you. You have existence for a reason.

I know that the attack on your life doesn't make sense,and It makes you hurt. It sounds like this hurt has gone on for a long time. As I wrote that down, my heart deeply grieved your hurt. I'm so sorry that this has hurt you for so long.

I know that this sounds shallow,but think about the good things that you have in your life. Write them down. Are you able to laugh at all at comedy?

I know that stopping taking one medicine,to take another,is rough. Poor girl. Did they give you anything to help in the transition. My heart goes out to you. When you go through this you feel so alone. I know this. You are alive,and other people have various degrees of depression. Yours sounds very rough. Don't give up.

When you start taking that new medicine,it might help. I hope that it does. How are you doing? Have you been in bed for about 5 days. Hang in there. I understand. I'm glad that your husband cares about you.

Your doctor should have never ever said that medicines don't work for some people. That's absolutely devastating when doctors say things like this. It makes people loose hope. Sometimes it's a matter of trial,and error. You may need a combination of medicines. You may need a new doctor. He,or she doesn't sound like a good one. How long have you been going to him,or her?

Do you have pets? They are nice. I've noticed that some dogs seem to have compassion for a persons feelings. Brokenfriend:hug::hug::hug::grouphug:

Thank you for all your advice. My husband got me out of bed yesterday and took me to the beach with my 2 sons. The night before i was crying to him telling him i think i am defeated. and he was concerned for my life so he made me promise that i would be there in the morning to take my kids to the beach and i made a promise and i kept it it was nice to see my kids have fun and than i stopped and wondered if that would be my last time there with them. and than thoughts raced through my head about my 3 year old not remembering me if i passed away this is horrible coming off this medication i cant even have a good train of thought so sorry if this is not spelled right or doesnt make sense the drs are going to put me on a new med on tues and i called and left him a message saying that i am scared for my life at this point because i am falling in a deep hole thank you again brokenfriend for everything:hug:

Denise your husband sounds like a thoughtful, caring man....another reason to stay alive...your children are another reason.

I met a very wise man on another forum...he fought suicidal thoughts his entire life...died of old age but not before teaching a whole bunch of us how to redirect those thoughts. He truely understood that it's exhausting work but he'd tell you that you are worth the fight....and that's what you are in...a fight for your life.

His name was Pter and here are some of his words:

As to the thoughts, I will be the first to say they are exhausting and, as I have said previously, they tire us to a point where we honestly believe suicide is the only solution. It is not. BEFRIEND and TALK. These thoughts are a part of you, for better or worse. I believe strongly in a physiological connection with suicidal thoughts. Our fear of the thought stimulates a negative physiological reaction which appears to give the negative thoughts enhanced power over us. Step back for a moment and place yourself in an imaginary situation. You see a child running into a busy roadway...you run quickly to save this child from oncoming cars...feel the reaction rising in your body. The adrenaline pounding throughout your body and brain. Now the rescue is over, your alone, feel the exhaustion of your body and mind.

You are rescuing yourself daily, hourly, every few minutes. Each thought envokes a physiological reaction with the end result being exhaustion. Befriend this thought. Treat it as you would the child who ran into the pathway of cars. Hold it, talk to it, teach it that there is another way to walk the roads of life. Post it here and allow others to comfort it. Do not be ashamed of it. What is it really but a thought that wants attention. Understand now, I did not say a PERSON who wants attention but a THOUGHT that wants attention from that person. It is the fight against the thought that tires us and makes us vulnerable to enactment of the thought.

I cannot give you a reason to live. I can, however, take away your reason for dying. An untrained unaccepted thought is not justification for death.


:hug:

thank you so much my husband read it and said see you are going through the same thing that many other people do and you are not alone and that helped me i appreciate it alot thank you so much for your advice and wisdom.

You're welcome dear lady..please remember that we are here for you. You need to talk to us...to tell us how you are feeling so we can be there for you...we take turns holding each other up. :grouphug:

I don't have any advice for you right now, but I want you to know that you've been on my mind.

I hope today has been a little better for you and please continue to let us know how you're getting on, because we all care for you Denise.

Lots of Koala hugs coming your way.

Denise
 

What did your Doctor say? Did he call you back? Brokenfriend:hug::grouphug:

He thinks i am a danger to myself right now I might have to be hospitalized for awhile i will let yous know as soon as i know something. if i get hospitalized i will tell my husband to let yous know he knows what a great support yous all have been yous are in my hearts too yous are like family to me now thanks again and take care:hug: