Those who love you
 

I read what Alffe wrote and it really touched a nerve with me. I've been having a hard time figuring out how to say what I want to say so I hope that this makes sense. Maybe some piece of this will make sense to someone other than me. I hope so.

Recently, I have lost a good friend to suicide. I lost my brother to suicide and both my parents to heart attacks within a year of each other. The one thing that these people all have in common is that they have had no control over what has happened to them. This does not make coping with their loss any easier.

All of these people have contributed to the person that I am today, and I am so grateful to have known them. Many of you know reading this, that I have attempted and I've wanted to die and last summer I thought about how it could happen and how it wouldn't be so bad. But the rational side of me knows what it would do to the ones who love me. Its true there is no one in my life right now besides Hooper but who knows, I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. I don't see myself as someone people should miss, but I could never hurt the ones I love by ending my life.

There are so many people who never have the chance to do the things they wanted to do because they have died. I know that because I am alive I can do so many things. I can do this in honor of my brother who was unable to do them.

But what if I do meet that someone? Everyday that I don't spend time with that person, I would be so afraid that they will leave me here to try to live my life without them. Just thinking about the possibility that the worst case scenario might one day become my reality makes me physically ill. It makes me cry. It makes me cry a lot.

So many of you are fortunate enough to have people who love you and care about you and would be devastated that they will never have a chance to talk to you, see you, or feel you ever again. No matter how alone you feel and how much you think no one would miss you or that the world would be better off without you----------YOU ARE WRONG. I hope deep down inside you can find a light (it might be really dim!) to realize that "Each life has its place." That means everyone, every last person on this earth. You might not know it yet, but there are things for you to contribute to this world and if you don't the world will miss out!

I'm not sure what will happen to me after I die. But I know what I can do while I'm alive. I want more than anything to live my life with someone I love because it is sharing my life with that special person that means the world to me. I say this knowing that I am just one person. I am one person who has love for one person more than words could ever describe or explain. I am one of the people that loves those of you that come here each and everyday. Come here if this helps you make it to tomorrow. Many people have a hard time coping with knowing a loved one wants to die. As you know these people can do and say the wrong things out of fear and frustration and the wrong time. Please know that it doesn't mean they don't care or won't miss you.

To those of you with whom I've spoken, I WOULD miss you. To those of you whom I've yet to meet, I WOULD miss you too. I WOULD miss you because there are so many things to share with the world and I wouldn't have a chance to experience that.

Fight to hold on for another day for yourself and the people who love you. When you wake up tomorrow try to do the same. Please know that each day you will bring joy to the ones you love because they have the opportunity to spend one more day with you.

When I was in the hospital last summer my pdoc told me everyone is like a pebble dropped into the middle of a pond. Every pebble creates ripples that stop only because they meet the land. Just know your pond is the size of an ocean. You have so much to share with the world. Let the ripples stop when they stop by themselves, don't force them to stop.

Please don't give up. You can do so much that you've not yet done. You make the world what it is so make it a place you would like to stay and share it. Share it with the ones you love and those who love you and those who will love you that you've not yet met.

Each life has its place, alive, right here on earth.

Sorry for rambling on and on but this has been bothering me all day and I needed to get it out. :o

powerful.

i am honored to have you in my life bj. i would have missed not knowing you. :hug:

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leaving a glimmer.

You are an inspiration to me BJ!!!!!! I am so thankful that God allowed our paths to cross!!!!! :hug:

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:hug::hug::hug:Dear BJ:hug::hug::hug:

I am so glad you have reached this stage, of your journey in life.
The compassion and understanding that I hear in your words, are a true inspiration.

Your post has made my day

THANK YOU

David

BP

thank you so much for this. I have a friend that needs to hear this and I will print it for him. It says all that needs saying. I just couldn't put it in words. Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts.

Dottie

(((BJ))) It's ok if I start the day in tears because these are happy ones..I think you are beginning to see yourself as we have always seen you...you have such inner strength and courage..you are the real definition of a survivor my dear friend.

Is it an easy journey? Absolutely not but you are such an incredible example of what a person can do to try and chizel out a better place in this world.

You deserve to be loved...you most certainly are loved here. :hug:

You know what words you said Alffe that made me post this? Just two words.....copper sailboat. I couldn't get that thought out of my mind all day for some reason. It just sent my mind thinking and thinking of why people do it, why people leave us here hurting so much.

:hug: Alffe :hug:

BJ, I am sure there will be lots of people printing out your post, me being one of them.

Thank you so much for this.

As a matter of fact I just printed it, reread it and found so much more that touched me! I now plan to share this with my son who is having a rough time right now.

this deserves a bump!
bizi

Very Inspiring. I loved that part about the pebbles in the pond,sending out ripples... deep,and understandable...

Your have great compassion,and love.

Your life is not in vain.

Deep

The heart wants to be one with a companion.

The heart is a beacon, sending...

Your heart is alive,but not to hold the past to tightly...

His eye's are on the sparrow.

There is a present that we live in now,and a future,then a eternity... BF:hug:

bumping it again...

Another bump so this post stays on page 1. It should stay alive

When I saw this thread at the top of the page I had so hoped that BJ was back talking to us. :(

Please remember BJ that we love you and miss you and of course worry about you. ~sigh

I hope you are having the same lovely weather we are having in Indiana and your buddy is getting walked in the park. :grouphug:

I Wanted to leave this for BP.
We miss you and your wise supportive ways. we luv you and want you to.... Please come get a hug
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thinking of you B. :hug:
PEACE
BMW

:hug:BJ:hug:
praying you are ok and will be here soon to collect the many:grouphug:

hope you can feel our love and care
:Heart:

BJ

I gave what you wrote to the sister of a young man [at work] who attempted suicide recently. She thought your words were wonderful

Hence i then realised my name was out here, i had to change user name as i did not want other stuff identified ...if you get what i mean.

I pray your ok and hope to see you post soon

:hug:
David

I'm struggling so bad right now but fighting. I'm cutting and can't stop myself. I know it's getting old but I can't help what happened, I didn't deserve it, I didn't provoke it, I didn't want it to happen. I feel stupid saying this but I know the Lord always hears us, but when gathered together, and praying I know it's so powerful. I need to bump this up for myself.

Dear BJ,
It sounds like you are suffering from post traumatic stress...PTSD from abuse that you suffered....in the past.
When someone takes advantage of you....In your head ....how do you get rid of that attack????
i am sorry that you are suffering so.
What does your therapist tell you about coping strategies?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

prayer and pdocs
 

Dear BP,
Keep praying and knowing that you deserve a good life for yourself. I'm praying for you.

This is hard to handle by yourself. And you do not have to.
Get your pdoc involved. Have you clearly and repeatedly let him/her know that you are in trouble? Make sure your pdoc knows exactly what is going on and knows how seriously you need help.

Be open to receiving help from good people. Good people do exist.

Mari

This is too close to home for me .... I can't say too much....know that I am thinking about you and hoping you will find the strength to seek help. I understand why you do it, honestly I do... but there are better ways. You need to deal with the pain that is inside in order to stop the release you get from the cutting. I hope you will call someone , anyone....

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BJ we're all thinking of you.

If our strength can pass through to you, then I pray that you feel it soon.

I've been thinking of you BJ and hoping that you're doing OK. Please keep in touch.

I haven't told anyone what happened. I have a complaint all typed out, I put my camera on a timer and took pictures but I haven't done anything about it. I haven't been to therapy after what happened with the "other parts" from my new one and the group therapy was only one week and it was a total waste of my time. I don't see my pdoc until Friday and I need to tell her, I need to find the strength to do it. But I don't want to be judged, it happened and I didn't provoke it. But I know it's going to fall on deaf ears, I know she won't believe me. It's just the way it is when you're so doped up you don't even know what day it is.

((((BJ)))))

You won't gain any sympathy out there by cutting yourself. :o You may not know what day it is, but you know what your skin and a knife looks like. Like it or not, it is NEVER appropriate to cut yourself - be it for healing of your pain, or to draw attention to your pain. It causes people to label you. It makes people blame you because they don't know how to remove your pain. Eventually, it makes people run away from you. :rolleyes:

Many, MANY horrible things have happened to me. I didn't deserve the abuse either. My best friend died - not long after that both of my parents died within 8 days of each other. It is just the life I was given. Hey, in-between the heartache and fear there were some fun and good stories, so all is not lost.

It's our job to respect and appreciate the gift of life and the world God has provided for us. It's our job to learn how to walk in this world without trying to destroy ourselves and others. It's our job to learn how to not be afraid of the dark, each other, and ourselves.

I keep you in my prayers. :hug:

B. :hug: :hug: :hug:
I am so comfoted by seeing you post. you do not know how much hearing from you meens.!!! :grouphug:
I am sorry for the things that are being ignored by "the system" that is set up to help us and keep us safe when we are at a low point.
I have things to share on that and it happened right about this time in another year but i just cant share the details cus i am so angry and it isnt settled but...someday i will try to share again.
honey we are judged from the moment we wake up each moring. I would tell I hope and pray you have the strength to do so. because if you dont say anything ...you will never know what would of come of it if you had ...at least said something and tryed to bring light rather then just let it go and say nothing. I dont kmow what happened but I do believe something happend and it is eatting my friend up inside and I do not like that!! I care and love her like the rest of our family here dose!
I will be keeping you in prayers for strength wisdom justice and...healing peace. And i know all my s.o.s. sisters and brothers here will be doing very much the same thing.I hope you can feel it because it is here.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((B.P. )))))))))))))))))) :Heart:

a bump for B.P. :hug: :hug:

(((((((((BJ)))))))))))

I am so thankful to hear from you :hug:

you *need* to tell the doc what happened BJ. Take the pics and the complaint you typed up with you and give it to her. She cannot ignore you on this. It happened. She needs to help you and also to stop it from happening to anyone else. I know it is hard, but you owe it to yourself BJ. Keeping it bottled in and suffering is not fair to you. It was *not* your fault!!!! You were there to be cared for and to recover from the hurt, not be more hurt. At least try to talk to her about it and give her the pics and what you typed up.

I am praying for you every day, BJ
with much love
Cheri

(((BJ))) I'm just so relieved to see you post. I'm still hoping for you to find a good therapist because they can bring light into a very dark world. You need to talk it out with someone. Don't be afraid to do that. :hug:

Much love to you BJ. We care very much.

BJ :hug:

I don't know hun, I could tell my doctor anything, and I know I would be believed. Perhaps you need to find a doctor you can connect to? It took me a long time, but it was well worth all the time.

As for being judged.... if I am not mistaken, you are religious correct?
It is a sin for others to judge. Just keep that in mind, maybe it will help
keep those particular fears at bay :hug::hug:

I don't know what happened BJ, but like BMW, I can clearly see that it is eating you up, and I so wish I could do something to help you! As with most things in life, the longer you keep it to yourself the harder it is to talk about. Try to get help, in your other thread.. I told you how proud I was of you that you had sought help. Truly I am. I know you will find the strength to do so again. If you need a lil help, we will be here to lift you up:hug::hug:

As for the cutting, I think like anything else, suicide, illness, one has to have experienced it.... be a cutter, or one of their loved ones are, to fully appreciate and understand it. Walk in their shoes so to speak. It is NOT that uncommon, and it is a very insensative person, who would make you feel bad about it. I am sure your doctor would understand. I pray you will get help dear Bj, cutting can be so devastating, and cause life time damage:hug:

I have never been to traditional therapy....instead I speak to Stephen's Ministers at my Church... come here, or talk it out with friends. But, I have to say I agree with Doody. I have seen therapy work wonders for so many people!! I do hope you will give it a try, maybe make that light at the end of the tunnel brighter for you:hug:

May God keep you and hold you.
May He guide you and keep you safe.
May He hold you in the palm of His hand
And take away your worry and pain. :hug: Nikki

I am glad your back...its time to collect those hugs I promised. a few posts back ... :p


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It is good to see you post BJ. I echo what everyone else has said and here's a big hug from me, too. :hug:

Thinking of you BJ...
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Abbie

Dear BJ,
It does not matter if anyone believes you or not.
You have an obligation to yourself to tell the whole story.
Start talking please.

M.

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BJ, know you are in my prayers!!!!!
vicky

Matthew 7: (Jesus) “Judge not, that ye be not judged”?

Romans 2:1Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.

2But we are sure that the judgment of God is according to truth against them which commit such things.

3And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God? …

21Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? thou that preachest a man should not steal, dost thou steal?

22Thou that sayest a man should not commit adultery, dost thou commit adultery? thou that abhorrest idols, dost thou commit sacrilege?

23Thou that makest thy boast of the law, through breaking the law dishonourest thou God?

It is clear in other scriptures that God expects us to make judgments, but they must be made with love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like the philosophy in the bible...:hug:

bj, have you tried the rubberband on the wrist? snap that hard or ice in your hand?

:hug: sweets. no one knows how you feel except someone else who cuts. i know you have gotten pm's from a special lady. :hug:

i'm here. a pm away. let me know when you want to go into chat again. even for just yapping. we don't have to chat about anything serious.

BP. just want to send you a little hug :hug: or 2 or 3 :hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug:
I hope you find courage and strength enough to talk and share and keep seeking help. You are a wonderfull lady and are in our hearts and prayers!
PEACE
BMW :grouphug: :grouphug:
you can come and act silly with us in the sleepless thread theres not much serious talk in there but you may just find a smile inside if you visit.
Luv you B.:hug:

I don't cut because I want attention. I started to cut when my mom passed away because I felt like I couldn't go on without her, I couldn't stand to wake up and know that I won't talk to her or see her that day.

No I'm not proud of it and I hate myself for doing it. People who cut have intense feelings of fear, hurt, anger, rejection or abandonment. Most importantly they need to feel pain on the outside instead of the inside. I don't want sympathy and I know it's not appropriate to cut yourself. But when the pain is so deep, you do it. I don't want to drive people away and I don't want to be labeled but that has already happened. When you feel like you're being blamed for something you didn't do or feel you've done wrong, you cut because it makes you forget about your real pain. I hope I make sense but this is why I cut.

Thank you for the PM Vicky, and for understanding. :hug: Yes Curious I'm trying the rubber band and ice to make myself feel pain instead of cutting. I called my pdoc and told her I need to talk to her. I don't know what or if I'll tell but I have to try.

:hug:BJ:hug: I am so glad to see you are posting! Good for you!! :)

BJ, I do understand the need to cut, and I would be more than happy to talk with you, here, in PM , email...anything:hug:

There is something you said that is bugging me..... .
That anyone would do this to you, really troubles me. If someone has cancer, bi-polar- depression...should they be ridiculed? hell no!!! Neither should you be labeled, judge , or pushed away! Anyone who would do this? Is hardly worth the air they breath and the space they are taking up, IMHO :o Concentrate instead on those who care about you, and would never do such a thing, hold them close to you:hug:

I think perhaps it is what I was saying, and what curious said today....no one but one who cuts, knows how you feel. But I will go one step more, and say those whose families have been effected would have a better understanding, and compassion too. As with any difficulty, or illness, it always effects the WHOLE family.

You already took the first step.... you told someone. I am sooo proud of you:hug:

I see you already use the rubber band.... get an extra large one, one that will really hurt when you snap it. Perhaps, have a large washable red marker, and bear down on that, leaving a mark on your skin as you snap the band. If the band doesn't work, try a dull object, something that wont break the skin..anything... heck stub your toe :eek:

Most importantly, as I already said, and can't stress enough.... you must heal the inside pain! Then you will not need the release the cutting provides. I know you know this. I know you also .. Know you must tell your doctor everything. People can't help, if they aren't given the chance. We are here to help you through this :hug::hug: Nikki

Thanks for understanding why I cut Nikkey, not that that's any excuse. I'm so ashamed of it but I have my reasons, I have my reasons for saying why I was labeled. I don't have any family left to understand. I know you lost your dad to suicide Nikkey and I couldn't think what to say, part of my problem. I have a lot of feelings inside but they won't come out. I am truly sorry about your dad. Some days I just wish I could pick up the phone and talk to my mom, or my brother who left this earth way too soon. And I'm sure you feel the same way, my heart goes out to you :hug: