Come on up on the porch...its one of "those" days
 

Yep you know which "days" I'm talkin bout...the ones you have where for no sane reason ya just want to be Ma Bell...reach out and touch somebody...only more like slap the living hairs right off their body!! Now, these pore old folks ain't done a thing, just livin like you tryin to do their best.

Unless of course its JMiller...then I might give ya permission...jes kiddin baby.

But for some unknown and inexplainable reason, you just want to smack em soooo hard their teeth hit the floor and keep chatterin fer a week!! Why, its all ya can do not to just give in to the urge to just lift up that arm and wham!! Why Uncle Remi's red roaster it'd be a jail sentence fer sho...so instead you keep it inside and it jest gits worse!! You feel like any minute ya gonna explode...you jest know the next pore ole fool that comes along is gonna git knocked all the way to another universe.

You try being in a room by yourself...here they come...can't leave ya alone, ain't got sense the good Lord gave rollie pollies. Least they know to roll up in a ball when something is after them!! You leave and go to another room...here they come...like they jest darin ya to hit em...almost like they jest asking fer that butt whuppin...

You've gritted ya teeth so hard your TMJ is hurtin sumthin fierce and you know you can't raise ya arm or they won't have a dumb head on their shoulders!! You've done everything you can do to avoid the inevitable...one more move and uh oh...here it comes...just what you been trying to avoid all day...STOP!!!

I have a revenge method...start asking the most detailed questions and as many as you can as fast as you can...don't stop...until you have asked about 10...then say...well if you can't answer go somewhere else!! Before you get to the third they will be gone...

The trick is to ask questions you know they ain't gonna want to answer...
questions like...

Ever had sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Ever drink alcohol when we(parents) are not here, or had a party? Do you think I should lose some weight, want to go on an exercise program with me? Would you like to cook tonight? Will you go do the laundry? How much do you really love me?

Get the idea...amazing how fast it clears a room...and nobody got smacked...now thats being diplomatic...something I usually avoid!! lol

Anybody want to start the grill for ribs?:wink:

dagnabbit all, Momma... today be one a them thar days.

first off, my dang drake show'd up... hisself all bloody 'round his neck, and I shore dunno whut got 'im.

thinkin' mebbe a bush cat?

he's still purty quick on 'is feet, for bein' injured 'n' all.

anyway, I wanna ketch 'im, and pluck 'im afore he gits all infeckded or sumpthin'

but I CAIN'T ketch 'em !!

it be rainin' this mornin' and th' dang groun' is all muddy an' slippery-sidewise.

I just ain't FAST enuff these days, Momma.

and I durn shore go and went PLOP by th' side of th' pond, dagnabbit !!

picksure poor Kay, wit' a backside all slimy wit' clay-mud, and QUITcher laughin' Momma!!!

tell ya whut... y'all come over, and gimme a han' an' afferwerd, we'll set ourselves down to a fine roasty duck dinner.

and THAT's another quick-like way tah cleer da room...

askin' fer help pluckin' an effin' duck.

:D

Oh my, Momma. Did you hit the nail on the head or what?

The way they follow me around you'd think I had a batton and they thought it was parade day.

There's nowhere to hide. And this used to seem like such a big house. How did it get SO small?

And you're right. They don't wanna talk TO you, they wanna talk AT you, to bug you. Good plan, asking them annoying questions. If you can't think of any, watch the Clumps. The old lady is a hoot. She'll give you lots of ideas for ways to make them uncomfortable enough to wanna leave you alone.

I dun foun' a way.

:D

Well looks like its time to get on up to the porch and do my devilish deeds. I'll just sit back until all these ladies start gathering at Momma's and then wallaaaaa.

LOL Mamma, I had one of those the other day and my friend Zanax kept me from beating the living tarnation out of someone. Of course if Jmiller wants to roll, I have some left over frustration. Yeeehaw!!!!

it's "Voila!" oh devilish one...

quick, Kicka, get the rope... we dun got ourselves a LIVE one !!

or wait, maybe askin' endless questions'll work?

hey, JMiller, does mah butt look fat in these-here overalls?

an' did that duct tape rip HAIRS offun yer arms when Twink yanked it off?

an' how-ever didja git that tractor outta th' pond?

enquirin' minds wanna know!

:D

Psssst, CayoKay, why dontcha give jmiller a big ole bear hug fer jest about a minute?

Okay, polecat, we're heee-eeeere! Now, whatcha gonna do about it?

*Grabs roll of trusty duct tape.* I see yer arm hairs growed back -- here, lemme fix that.

Okay, Sandy, you can take over now. Not good to keep all them emotions inside -- lettem OUT!

Thanks Twinks and Kay! Hey Jmiller, ever had one of them there days where you jest felt like beatin' up some varmit jest cuz they looked at ya? No? Awww, that's jest a dern shame. Lemme show ya how we roll off Mamma's porch.

*layin' tacs on the ground so jmiller kin feel my full impact of frustration*

Cayo; ok yes ur butt looks huge in em overalls, no tape didnt hurt I shaved lol, and I used all mommas critters to pull out tractor.

maybe ill send my pet gators and sharks up to u other two to play with.

thats ok sandy, lay em tacs out I can feel no pain. You know comfortably numb.

Well, looky at that avatar! Ole jmiller's chowin' down on a big ole guppy!!! I suppose that would qualify as dining on redneck caviar. :D

I'll bet my little cayman, Fred, (see my avatar) would be glad to hep you eat yer caviar!

well Ill just eat ur widdle ole cayman for a breakfast snack, yummmy. Yes that was a small crappie just before I bit its head off, an annual tradition at the lake I do. What I like doing to crabby ladies who try to get on my nerves, bite their heads off and duct tape em to their ankles.

*yawn* Whatever, jmiller.

How you gonna eat anything once Sandy gets done trouncin' ya?

I hear she's mighty handy with a pair of pliers. Better keep yo' mouth shut real tight, boy. :cool:

That's right Jmiller. You wanna check yer backside? That's all ima sayin'. :cool:

Do it Sandy, Do it!!!!

u women are real frisky today, sounds like a bad hair day. Ill have to maybe go get me a bull dozer and bring that pile of pig slop and pour it u all while sitting on the porch.

Should I contact the Coroner, or just buy a shovel and find a spot in the desert for the inevitable?:eek:

Y I K E S ! ! ! ! :D

Victor, now don't you be a worryin' over gittin' a dead man's examiner. We'z like to tease and poke at Jmiller. Ifin' he was deader than a raccoon on a back road, on a full moon's night, we'd be sadder than a fly lost in a pool of water. We needs him round' to give ourselves sumthin' to do. :D

Now, ifin' you have a nice cold quiet place in that there desert to string him up? Maybe a real nice cactus?

Besides, who else is gonna tell us ifin' we'z havin' a bad hair day?

Momma's Kid's


GOD you make me laugh/smile/grin/chuckle with your witty yet truly :D:D:):)meaningful posts

GBY

David ::hug:

Howdy David! Welcome to Momma's porch! Come're and have a lemonaide or sumthin'.

Sandy


you pour it and i'll drink it...[lol]


David:):):)

now, yew jes' HOLE up there a dang minnit, Miz Sandy !!

DON'T be a-offerin' vittles and rafreshmens to this Davvy-stranger-man, untill we's made DANG sure he ain't sum kin'a seccun' cuzzin to ol' Jmiller, fergoshsakes !!

ore nex' thang, he'll be a-ridin' that-there trackder wit' ol Jmiller, onna side, hoopin' an-a hollerin' an' makin' threats o'bodily HARM to uz wimminfokes.

not to menshun, insultin' veryus amungstus wiz commentarry regardin' are bodily parts, 'n' attytributes.

alzo not to menshun, tryin' to reck are lil hen pardy, spikin' da punsh, an' tawkin' nawty.

I shore hate ta be da wun ta DOO dis, but I gots to innerfear afore da porch be neck-deep inna pig slop, shovelled by Y'ALL no hoo !!

:winky:

Awww, don't you be a worryin' my sister Kay. I gots a real keen eye for varmits and knows one win I seez em.

Besidezins, I tainted up his lemonaide wit sum truth be told serums. We'z be knowin' real soon ifin he'z a Jmiller reltiv or not.

Now girls, don't be messin with my lil Davy, and thank you fer the kind words, welcome to the family...and you know that lil ole JMiller ain't no match fer ya Momma any day of the week. I bet whole tub of moon shine that ifn his underwear got freezed...well, ya know what happens...talk about a "Blue Moon"


I guess he sho nuff will get a surprise tryin to crank up that ole dump with that pig slop...that ole heap of iron ain't moved in 30 years...besides...ya really need to feel sorry fer the lad...did ya see that itty bitty fish?:eek: We call that bait fish here... now, you gals take it easy on JM, he still one of the babies...even ifn he needs dosin with a lil shine to make him sleep.

Spring Hill...I went through that place many a time on my way to Chazz...I bet I've seen you fishin in my favorite spot on that river...best not let me catch you up close...take my fishin seriously!!! sho nuff...ain't nuthin like a day or two on water...yep...just ridin the wave and drownin shrimp!!!

Twink...you could put Fred in JM's bed...we could set a timer to see how long it takes him to get out...be kinda hard though with those sheets taped down...

Brain...it was better today, but then I didn't answer the door, or phones!! lol Xanax...that just makes me feel better while I'm slappin the stupid out of em. lol

okey-dokey artichokie.

Momma, I'm bein' hayve.

:o

Davy?

I dun baked sum brownees fer ya.

:hug:

Twink, y'all hush now, and dun be wishperin' 'bout whut Uh put inna last bach, 'k?

Well ain't that right sweet of ya? Did ya get that feathered friend fixed up? Ain't no tellin what varmit tryin to make him a tasty snack...

I sho hope them brownies got some good ingredients to make body feel good...got milk? Oh yeah...forgot...since ole man down the way sold Bessielou we ain't been able to get fresh milk and cream. Maybe I should put on my Sunday best and visit Mr. Elons...he got two milking cows...

I'll go get all gussied up and then you babies can tell me ifn I look good...

Momma, you best be a watchin' those brownies. Kay brought us back sum funny lookin' greens from sum place called the Belize? They tasted real good and made me smile a whole bunch. Why, I smiled so hard my face felt like it had froze like a fish stuck on the top of the pond in the winter! I think she baked sum of em in the brownies! :yikes:

issun mah own vershon of organicky home-growed truth serum.

shore nuff werks good.

greens grinded up reel fine-like, an' mixed in wit' de carramelly an' choccychips.

it do be de bes' way of finin' out fax fore shore.

:D:cool::D

Momma? sorry to say... he were beeyon' fixin'

dat dang evil tressypassin' bushcat dang-near slashed 'is froat write threw.

we hadda plukkin' pardy, an' we is a-gonna truss 'im up, an' roast 'im turkee-style, all stuff wit' bred-crums, an' troppycal froots.

we's ony got goat-milk, but it shore taysts fine, an' makes good cheeese two!

:hug:

Welll, I found this here party dress I wore when ya pa and I went out jukin...it still fits purty good...

think ole Mr Elon will give a lil of his ole cow's milk when he gets an eye of yo Momma in this? Let's sho hope so...cause can't have no brownies without milk!!

ROTFLMAO!!!!!! Momma! :yikes: That sho nuff is one purty dress! Ifn' ole Mr Elon don't give ya his milk after seein you in that he's blinder than a possom stuck in a garbage pan!

hey, Momma?

I dun fetched the reccypie fore ya:

These are really pretty good... well, actually they're much better than just pretty good.


"Heckofa Job, Brownies"

Who could forget George W,'s famous quote praising the then-Director of FEMA, on his astounding non-accomplishments in New Orleans?

These brownies might not get the flood waters out of your house, but they'll make you feel better about the situation!

Preheat the oven to 350oF

In a small bowl combine 1 1/4 cup Flour, 1 teaspoon Salt and 1 teaspoon Baking Soda.

In a larger bowl combine 1 cup softened butter, 1/2 cup sugar, 1/2 cup brown sugar, one egg, and a table spoon of vanilla extract. Mix well with a spoon.

Gradually mix in the flour combo a little at a time.

Then add one 9 oz can of Deluxe Mixed Nuts (No peanuts, Splurge!) and one 6 oz package Semi-sweet Chocolate Morsels (I use Nestle Toll House)

That is the basic batter mix. You can teaspoon it out on an ungreased baking tray for cookies.

Bake for 8 minutes and cool on a rack.

Or proceed to the "HJB" style brownies.

Grease with butter your heaviest non-stick 9X9 baking pan. Put almost 1/2 of the batter in the pan and bake for 10 minutes. Remove from oven.

Dot partially baked cookie with 5 - 6 oz of caramel. You could also use milk caramel cubes if you can get them.

Drop by spoonful the rest of the batter over top, in, around and on the caramel.

Return pan to oven and bake another 15 to 20 minutes or until golden brown.

Remove and cool on a rack for 10 minutes. Put a cutting board over top of the pan and flip the pan over. Remove the pan and and put the rack on the brownies. Turn it back over and allow to cool on the rack.

When COOL, cut into bars and enjoy!

Also delicious warmed with a big scoop of homemade vanilla ice cream.
(or other stress reducing toppings.)

oh, Momma !!

yew shure be lookin' FINE, great goshamighty !!

that be one smart way of gettin' milk, displayin' yore assets thatway.

:winky::):winky:

an' yew kin be shore I's tellin' de troof, as I dun et three Heckofa Job Brownies, wif my own seecret ingreedyents in 'em.

:D:cool::D

Thanks for the brownie recipe...I'll give it a try...my gs has been asking when we gonna make brownies...guess I'll leave out those special ingredients.

The party dress girl is a hobby...starts with a blob of color and then I use a smudge tool in a photo program...gives me something to do when I can't sleep. lol I once actually made extra money redoing photos...now I can't steady my hand to eat soup!! lol

not sur if i cans match wits with yall on tis thread

Sho you can Frank! Jest jump in and swim with the river rats! We only nibble and hardly ever bite!

Momma, that was really good! I'll never forget going to a film place to have my wedding picture retouched. They wanted to charge me over $300! I walked out and started taking classes towards a degree in art. I learned real quick how to fix images in Photoshop! :D

YEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW!!!

Gots the ole tractor a roaring, and here comes the pig slop and dead bait fish. Even gots me a couple boys down the road that wanna help. Better watch out fer that lemonaide, seems I spiked it up a tad with some local varmits u-know-what.

maybe I will spike up those brownies a tad too, u neva know whats inside em. hehehe.

Ithink jmiller needs some of them brownies.

Momma, my dresses don't make me look that way.

jmiller,
with Momma, Sandy, Twink and Kay right here (them brownies sure are going fast) you best be careful. They get full of vinegar and stuff if you rile them.