Came Close once More
 

Last night I came close pulling the plug on my life for the third time. On top of the fact that I hate MS and my life, I also hate the fact that I give my soon to be ex so much power over me.

You see I still love her and I just hate divorce and giving up but I know that she is just like my Prostate Cancer and if left alone the both would kill me. The cancer has been radiated and that is what I must do with Anne but the trick is how does one do that after 26 years of being together and loving her through all the thick and thin.

Pretty much the only reason that nothing happened last night was that I was so fatigued from the stress that she caused that I could not get off the couch. The other reason was that I could not do it has to do with my friend Lynda and all of the pets that we continue to rescue and help on a daily basis.

I should have died a multiple number of times last year both by my own hand as well as various medical conditions but I did not. It was not my time but I am still searching for the reason that God has not taken me.

Mike, I am really sorry to hear suicide came up again for you. I hope you are in counseling.

I always tell my children "no man or woman is worth taking your life" I believe this can also be said to adults.

Have you been over to the Surviors of Suicide forum? If not here is the link:
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

You will find very caring people on that forum who will understand.

Take care of yourself, Mike :hug:

Mike, I know exactly what you are talking about and how it makes you feel. The biggest differences are that I have a different disease, and have been married for 23 years. At a time in our lives when we need love from our spouses the most, it simply isn't there. And the harder you try to restore it, the further away it gets. It's hard to simply let go. I've managed to accept that it's inevitable, and now I'm working to manage my emotions and concentrate on other things. And to tell you the truth, part of me thinks that our upcoming seperation will actually turn out to be good for me in the end. Our marriage hasn't been real for several years anyway. I wish you good luck my friend, and if you ever need someone to talk to about this, I'm always around.

Idealist

I must say that I have been very fortunate to have found the friends that I have on the various sites that I am a member of. They have all helped me pull my head from a certain part of my body more times than I care to admit.

This last time finally made me realize that I need to get away and stay away from Anne and that is what I will be doing. I have already made arrangements to move about 30 miles south of where I am into another state. I know that if I do not get away her toxins will kill me.

I have taken that first big step to new life.

Mike

Good for you, Buddy. And good luck, too! :)

Thank you for I can not believe how content, happy and at peace I am right now after everything that has gone on these past couple of weeks.

No words.

Just a big moose hug for my buddy Big Mike.:hug:

Hi Mike,

This is rather hard for me to post, as my Dad recently took his life. I know you have heard all the trite replies, but I feel the need to add one more, suicide is A permanent solution for a temporary problem

I know there are people who must just love you to peaces! Give them the chance, my Dad didn't give me.... a chance to be there for you. I would have given ANYTHING to have known my Dad had these thoughts, and now..... it is too late.

The survivors of suicide forum that snoopy gave you the link too, is a wonderful group of people who would love to support you. Thinking of you and wishing you better tomorrows, Nikki :hug:

Mike,
HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSS and more HUGSSSSSSSSS

Not been on much lately...life is way too full for my little plate...but saw your name and had to post...hugsssss and stay tough...She isnt worth it..so like you said find a way to get away from that toxin....I am here if you need to pm me ever....if dont reply fast just due to not being able to get to puter..but Iam thinking of you..and hugssss,sarah

Nikki,

First let me tell you how truly sorry I am for your loss. I also appreciated that you took the time to write me the note that you did. I do have many people who love me and were very disappointed with me when I told them how I felt.

No suicide is not a solution and I am taking the necessary steps to remove myself from the one person that cause me to fall to the depths that I did.

Mike

Thank you Sarah,

Things for me have been very up and down over the past several months and I have not been and active poster at all but I do hope to change that now.
I hope to sign an agreement to lease a home in NC in the next couple of days so I will be moving away from her.

Mike

MIKE,
good luck for more up days...:) and good luck on the move idea!! good idea too I might say...

Just busy with one child feverish, and another sporting some rash that I am unsure of..kindof looks as if she may be allergic to something she ate..but she didnt really eat anything I can think of lately different from her usual 3 year old picky eating menu....so who knows...keeping watch over two kids...while overtired from work...and lets see..doing laundry..and my daughter is helping me with some vacuuming...oh did I say I work tomorrow again at 7am......

see smile..cheer up....my busy life will wear you right into a smile...and a relaxed place hehehehe hugsssss,sarah:)

Mike,

I am so glad and relieved to hear you say that :hug:
It takes a very strong person to make the move you are doing .... best of luck, stay strong, I admire you.

I just have one other thing to say, I am sorry that your loved ones were disapointed with you. Speaking about suicide from both sides.... I know how hard that must have been for you to speak about ...... I also wish with all that I am, that my Dad was able to tell me. If anything, I would commend you and your strength!!

The invite to SOS is still open, we have a variety of folks over there... all of them wonderful, stop by if these thoughts creep back in, or you just want to chat with people who understand. Best of luck Mike! Nikki

Sarah,

Now keep smiling for it always make people wonder what you have been up to!! Anyone's schedule would wear this old man out. Good to see that you are still crazy as ever.:hug:

Mike

Nikki,

Thank you for your kind words and staying strong will be the most difficult part along with trying to keep an arms length distance from Anne. She called twice last night leaving me messages and the last one she was in a bad place. For me the fixer not calling her back was difficult but because I had people here I could not have made the call anyway.

I did send her an email telling her several things including my thoughts of ending it all that night that we had our fight. I do not know if she will call back again but if she does I will talk with her but there is nothing that I can do for her now. Last night when she called I was signing the papers to purchase the house in NC with Lynda. So there is no turning back now even if I wanted to which I do not.

Mike

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. Wishing you the strength you will need to protect yourself :hug: Nikki

Thanks,

Nikki I hear you with needing strength as she did call tonight but she may have gotten the point of my email for she was nothing like the the other evening. I did tell her that I was moving to NC with Lynda and she acted like she was happy with me going.

Time will tell.

Take care

Mike

Hi Mike,

I am glad your phone call was not as distressing as I feared it would/could be!
Best of luck on your move! I hope it brings you the healing you are seeking.


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In Sickness and in Health
 

I think it's pretty disgusting when a spouse checks-out when their spouse is sick.

One of the basic premises of marriage is that it lasts through sickness and in health.

No one has any business checking-out when their spouse is ill...

So what do you do now?

Well, I think your sickness is only exceeded by the learning disability of the person who took vows with you.

Get rid of her. Get her as far away as you can. She is the one killing you, not you.

BPB


QUOTE=putterfit;314442]Last night I came close pulling the plug on my life for the third time. On top of the fact that I hate MS and my life, I also hate the fact that I give my soon to be ex so much power over me.

You see I still love her and I just hate divorce and giving up but I know that she is just like my Prostate Cancer and if left alone the both would kill me. The cancer has been radiated and that is what I must do with Anne but the trick is how does one do that after 26 years of being together and loving her through all the thick and thin.

Pretty much the only reason that nothing happened last night was that I was so fatigued from the stress that she caused that I could not get off the couch. The other reason was that I could not do it has to do with my friend Lynda and all of the pets that we continue to rescue and help on a daily basis.

I should have died a multiple number of times last year both by my own hand as well as various medical conditions but I did not. It was not my time but I am still searching for the reason that God has not taken me.[/QUOTE]