Flooding back....
 

As some of you know, my Dad's birthday is coming up, July 30th.
I am sure this is the reason that I am not coping , not at all. I can hardly sleep for the nightmares that are haunting my dreams. They are just awful!! Vivid and I wake crying every time. My eyes are as swollen as they were that first week. I am not the only one it is effecting, my whole family looks as if they have been to hell and back several times this week.

I know this may seem odd to some people, but I guess we each do what we need to , to survive. They sell these tiny urns, called memory urns… I bought 4 that came in a velvet case. I gave one to my mom, I still have the other 3. They are tucked away, I have never looked at them since I got them back.
We had planned to bring some of his ashes to one of his favorite places, Red Hill -on his birthday. But, due to my recent TIA there is no way I can make the hike. So thoughtfully my family has decided to wait until next year so that I could participate as well. I am not ready yet to bury the one I intended to in my memorial garden. I am not ready to scatter them anywhere either…. But I have this over powering need to do something.

What I want is to wake from this horrifying dream, to have the world set right again. With having to try to face the fact that Lynn is terminal … I am more depressed than I have ever been. I need my Dad damn it, he was suppose to be here! My hero ….. It would have been easier if his death had been natural, I wouldn’t now be so overwhelmed with his suicide, that I feel I can’t face yet another loss. No amount of medication could ever help, nor replace the comfort one finds in the embrace of their Dad, their Hero. But take the medicine I do, as I miss him greatly and I would give anything to be with him.

So having only slept a few hours, as the nightmares wont stop, I found myself posting here, to friends who have helped me survive, when I was sure there was no possible way I could…..I know you all have a good idea of the pain I am feeling, and I feel safe sharing it with you… perhaps in sharing I wont simply explode with grief

:hug::hug:NIK-KEY:hug::hug:


It's just a number , it's just a date.
I'm stood beside you outside the gate.

Im sat beside you on a that chair,
I'm right beside you when you brush your hair.

Im with you always whilst sleep,
Im the alram that wakes you with a constant beep

I am there at very meal,
And god i know how sad you feel

I'm right there with you when you cry,
I am the breeze that dry's your eye.

My departure i know has caused you pain
But in my heart you'll always remain.

I am the drink from every cup,
I will be your hero that lifts you up.

Forgive me please, and live your life bold,
live it proud, AND ALLL AROUND behold.

Its just a number its just a date,
come and talk, i'm at the gate.
ALWAYS


David:hug:

SOS has been slow of late so I wasn't expecting a reply, but I was feeling so many things, among them that I am just not going to make it... for some reason I checked here. I am in tears now, but they are good ones. David, thank you very much! Words can mean so much when coming from a friend:hug:

stay strong dear friend this time WILL PASS

I FEEL FOR YOUR EVERY THOUGHT

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

take a deep breath, rinse your face, make your self a drink, and sit outside for a few mins.
Soak up the air and try to relax.

YOUR IN MY THOUGHTS NOW NIK-KEY......STAY STRONG :hug::hug:

David

Thank you David... I will go do every single one of those right now!
Again, thank you... it means a lot to me:hug: Nikki

You can do this dear Nikki. The permanent absence of a loved one is most acutely felt on holidays, birthdays...any day that should be defined by joy and happiness. It does get easier as years go by...that isn't much conciliation for this July 30th but try to spend at least a portion of that day remembering the good times you spent together. And remember that you aren't alone...we are here for you. :grouphug:

nik-key

Im off outside in my garden .

In half an hour raise your glass to the sky

and your friend here will chink your glass and toast a brave lady [YOU]

dAVID

*sniff sniff* David , Synchronizing my watch..I'll be there:hug:

Thank you alffe, I think too it is too many things all at once... first his death, then his service, then his other service, then father's day, then Lynn, and now his birthday... just STOP already. I hear it gets easier over time, I am holding you to that ;)

Ok must get my glass and head outside .....

Well for goodness sakes David, just what was in that drink of yours? LOL
We had a tornado or a micro burst they are still trying to decide... needless to say I didn't stay outside:eek: But I did raise my glass ;)
Ok going to sign off in case whatever it was circles around again.... bb later:hug:

Nikki When you first found your way to sos I told you that if I can help you in any way..I will bend over backwards to do so. and I meen it. :hug:
We share a day the 30th of July . for me it my implant for you It is you dad brithday . I know that now he is gone from this earth it is a hard horribly sad day to face each year now. But for a second maybe try to look at that day as the day your Dad was born. because without him being born your bros and sis, your mom and you and your family would not be the special strong CARING loving people you are. Remeber the good times. I know this sounds kinda odd but what would be so wrong with celebrating it like a birthday with a cake and pictures of him out on table and reading a poem and talking about some of those times.even sharing tears together and letting the saddness come out all together all of you. I think crying in frount of others ..with others is healing. I think his spirit is right there with you all every day. and the young ones ..it is good for young ones to see how you and others deal with such an issue how you can cry and how you share your sorrows together. they learn from example!just becasue it is his birthday dose not meen it has to be all filled with sadness, you can cook one of his fav meals maybe or watch a movie he enjoyed or even light a candle and make a wish for peace and for the sadness to lessen. or any wish you want . have people write one or 2 things and go around and each read what they wrote in his honor.
You must know by now how much you are in my prayers and thoguhts. how much I think of you and what I think of you. Please know everything i have written here is my attempt to help and send support to you my Angel freind. I cant say I know how it feels to lose my father to suicide..but i did lose my father when i was 13 to massive heart attack at home right in front of me. so I share the loss of my father just in a diffrent way. yours is fresh and i have to say the hurt dosent really ever go away totaly. but it dose get a tiny bit easier as time passes. nightmares i have them too my hub snores every night and it sound just like my dad struggling for breath and not getting it. if you catch my drift. it is why i am here most night playing in the game area or messaging someone or posting things on others profile pages. cus it hurts and it is hell and it is hard. but at least thank god for this place. it keeps me safe it keeps me going it keeps me alive.
I guess i have said enoguh and dont want to go on and on . I just want you to know all of us here are holding you close and tight. you are family..and like i said If I can do anything to help I will bend over backwards to do so.



micro burst.eh? my kinda weather. The stroms are surely not helping in the least with your t.n and o.n. and stress. darling you need to do as DMACK says get a bit of fresh air and relax. rest. deep breathing calm the mind of the heavy worries for just a little while. Stay strong my Angel friend.. and know that ALL OF US are here for you day or night.
I guess I am too late for joining in on the glass and looking skywards but I do that at night so if i catch you tonight... we can reapet that action or I will do it on my own. Love you. :hug:
PEACE :grouphug: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread35259.html
BMW

when you start to cry in years, try to cry in your ears...

that way, you won't hear yourself being sad...

((((BIG HUGS)))))

(inside joke. LOL)

let us be here for you when you need. :)

Just bumping this up for Nikki
I raised my cup and looked skyward last night in your honor and prayers were said! Hope today the "flood" is receding and those eyes are dryer and your stress lower..and pain next to nothing.
Your in our thoughts and we are here for you :hug::hug:
Peace
BMW

Nik,

5 more days, maybe writing a journal in this thread and speaking of your feelings might help...besides, for those of us that are peeping toms, we like to read other people's journals. ;)

((((BIG HUGS))))

(((Nik))) Forever in my heart and prayers. Anniversaries in the beginning are so very hard, and yes as time goes on, the pain lessens.

Hugs and love sweet lady. :hug:

Angel friend, thank you so much... you know I feels about u 2:D:hug::hug:

LMAO Moi, just what I needed! :D:hug:

Thank you Doody, :hug:I will check in with you next year... see if that is true;)

*sigh it is so hard.....but you guys are the boat that is keeping me a float.
I truly mean that. I mean I am still a mess...but where would I be without my SOS family? I can come here and share what I can't with anyone else in this world! I use to be able to share with Lynn, but with the AD, well I have lost parts of him years ago... deep communication was one of them. He has zero recall, and the poor buggers thinking and cognitive fuctions are rapidly declining.....

We went to my Dads house today to visit my mom... Lynn kept asking where Dad was.... asking and asking and asking! We had to tell him over and over that he had passed away. :Noooo: Then, he still didn't, or couldn't believe us, so he went outside calling...."Ernie... Ernie!!! Come on answer me..this isn't funny!! OY!!!! Break my friggin heart all over again. :Bawling: :Bawling:

So, I had to take a trip to his grave... and I wasn't planning on that today. I need to phyche myself up for it. Was a hard long day...and I am feeling damn sorry for myself! Plan on having a BBQ and drinking !!

Oh and Tina... if you love storms so much... you wanna come help me clean up all the trees we lost:eek: Lord but that was a mighty storm...It was a tornado AND a microburst, what a mess!!! Winds up to 135 MPH :yikes: I HATE wind storms....Scary stuff... me no likey!

Well if I could afford to get there I would be there in a flash. a flash of lightening :p
I have 2 chain saws and a pole saw too I have done that kind of work , got rakes, Tarps and even a John deer tractor with a cart on back to tote heavy stuff.
MMMMmmkay the only thing I dont like about storms is before they come my pain is crazy bad but once the storm is here it is like a massive relief. when a hurricane is close to florida It is really very bad even if it isnt hitting florida if its off shore way at bottom of florida off the keys I still get the wicked ugly pain flare off the scales.:(.

Now you go have a good meal and a drink or 2 and Relax Angel friend. soak in a nice bath and be glad today is done because I know it was a rough and tough bad ****** day for you and like the strong warrior one you are..ya made it. so .... :hug: :hug: :hug: from me
and :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
from all of us.
love you.... and take care of you. and I pray God you can feel all of our healing strength and positive love and our prayers we send to you via God and the sky and.. the computer posts here at S.O.S. MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU AND YOURS NIKKI
PEACE
BMW

Well....we love you Nikki. Mmmmkay? :) :hug:

Love you guys too.....Mmmmkay :D
My sis who lives in WA, my soul twin... she says that too....yep you guys made me smile!! :D :D :D