So frustrated...
 

Here I am confused and upset with jackie. Back to the same situation only Jack just came to my rescue. I was in the bathroom and Jackie ran off two feet with my chair thinking Jack was nowhere to be found but he found out otherwise as he backed right up into him! Jack has him sitting in his room with him for a extended time out because he sat here for an hour driving me crazy.

So beyond this I am looking at scoring a job, I have a pretty good resume set up and know I will most likely get one of the few jobs out here, but the trouble is that I don't want to be here with Jackie anymore. He was awful in the pool today, pushing and shoving, nearly broke my neck, little things like that. I just can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to come home to this nonesense....

Jack is trying I give him that, but Jackie is just too much. He was messing around with the total gym (along with numerous other things over the course of an hour) and I wanted him to stop but he just said F-U and kept at it. And yes, the little stinker did say the actual words. *sigh* He doesn't seem to care that we want him to listen, Jack thinks again, I'm the one with the problem and just today while I was inside trying to find out some job info outside Jackie was giving Jack a hard time. So it's NOT Just me...

I wish that I knew what kind of group home he would go to. And another thing, suddenly Jack wants to go with me to the therapy I have set up....I am in such a quandry, because he thinks that he's gonna get the therapist on HIS side and have them tell me I NEED help with my parenting skills and he's FN crazy! :mad: I feel like this removes me from having a safe place to go for support now. I have to give up the new peace and support I found to take his Verbal abuse with me there too...I could just cry.

It really seems like I have no choice but to just let people around me beat up on me and manipulate me in ways that suit them. :( I am close to tears right now, Jack was horrible last night, thinking I am 'up to something' and called me names again, and told me h e'd never forgive me if I put him in a group home and how awful those places are and all his entire tangent. He didn't find out about the letter, he's just assuming I am up to something. I feel like this is definitely not working and never will. I just have no choice but to accept the undesirable outlook of losing them both when this goes down IF I can ever GET them to DO what needs doing. I have to get letters from my doctors and it's just horribly depressing.

I wish I could just not wake up sometimes, I haven't been using my cpap again mostly because I am afraid Jackie will rip up the only hose I have for it and because I don't care about it anymore at the moment. I just don't care if I have a heart attack from apnea, or a stroke....SOMETHING is on the horizon, just what I can't see, but I worry that Mom will withdraw her offer to let me live there if I get a job and stay here taking this crap much longer. I just don't know what to do and I hate it...

you have more control than you think you do
 

Dear Pam,
Can you make an appointment with a social worker in the state agency that places children like Jackie?
You need to talk to someone who can actually help you and give you useful advice.


Jack is not helping.
He can get his own therapist. What? He doesn't understand boundaries? He is trying to control too many things and too many people.


Get another cord for the cpap. You have more energy and you feel better when you sleep with it. Then keep Jackie out of the room.

Mari

Have him get his own counselor.
I think you need to talk to your mom again, jsut make sure she is clear about things time lines etc. So she can reassure you.
It sounds just awful there....I am sorry.
bizi

I just applied for a job at AT & T for CSR and hoping to get picked. I have plenty of experience so if they are looking for someone who they can rely on I think I am it despite the living conditions I have to endure at the moment. PArt of our problems are financial but the rest is like you said Mari, he wants to control too much. I just don't know what to do, I wish I could just run to Mom's, but I have obligations to them to make sure they are taken care of. I may be the one with the purse strings but Jack rules the money and I suppose he's serious when he says tonight during dinner we'll need a truck. SO I will have to use my new job cash to cover that so he can drive Jackie around to local appts. That's if it works out, who knows I might not be able to pass their written tests and it might not go through, plus it's driving two hours a day.

I just don't know what's worse, where I am at now, or where I will be in a few months if things go down the way I think they will....*Sigh*

Dear Pam,
Good job about ATT.
Keep taking steps to help yourself. :hug: :hug: :hug:
I'm here.
Mari

Just awesome pammy!
keeping taking those baby steps...better days are coming my friend!
bizi

I'll keep you all posted on how it goes, it's only about thitry miles from here so it won't be a two hour commute, just over 45 minutes probably. Wish me luck! :D

woohoo!
:yahoo:

Mr. Turtle
 

Dear Pam,
Your pic of Mr. T is so cute.
How is he doing? Is he handling the potential chaos around him?

http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/animal/turtle.gif http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/animal/turtle.gif
http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/animal/turtle.gif
(I'm in a silly mood today. Tdoc went well and have been getting stuff done for work. )
Mari

Hehehehe, Mr. T is doing good, getting bigger! I will have to get some new pics soon. I have good news I think...I already heard back from the AT&T job, and it's good news so far, I have to go in for testing tomorrow morning and then a face to face meeting with their hiring manager like next Monday since I don't want to do Thursday unless I know I will have something cool to wear, Mom is bringing over her stuff from her business days and I hope that there is stuff that will fit me and make me feel confident about working.

Jack is a little leery, but other then that things sound definitely good, I would work 4 days out of a week and then saturday, so that leaves me one day a week to squeeze in appts. So it's going to work out. I am so excited and yet totally scared! I can't believe I turned in the online application yesterday and POOF the recruiter called today! I have to think that's a good sign. :) He mentioned problems people sometimes have like it gets too loud in the call center, but I told him I was used to it from the call center job I had at the ISP I worked at. :)

This is going to be so exciting! :D :D :D

How exciting is this!!!!!!
sending positive thoughts your way.
bizi

Thanks bizi! ((((((((hugs))))))))) I have to color my hair, do the dishes and set up the cpap tonight, I found the place on mapquest so I feel a LOT better, I know I can find it now. Mom is bringing over her stuff on Wednesday that she no longer needs and planned on cleaning out, and I think I am going to let them give me a appt for face to face meeting so I KNOW if I got the job sooner rather then later, I was going to go for Monday but Mother said she could be by on Weds with the clothes so that cinches it. I hope it works out! :D

I think this is going to be so exciting! It's just got to happen. :)

Pam

This is great. And you can do this. Keep up the addittude.

Donna

This is wonderful Pam. :Good-Luck: :Good-Luck:
Much luck.

I am trying to imagine people working at a call center who do not like noise.
I guess that that is something that I had never thought of. http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/surprised/puzzled.gif http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/surprised/puzzled.gif

ATT called me last week to ask me if i had any questions about my DSL service. I said yes. I had accidentally thrown out the CD and needed a new one. They said ok and it arrived here Saturday.

I felt dumb calling them for a new CD and had put it off since Jan 08. I was happy to hear from them. :)


Mari

It went good, I passed the test they administered and did fine on the rest of the pre-interview. Just wanted to let you all know, I go back for the face to face meeting Thursday, only now Jack is saying that the hours are bad because I would have to leave at noon and stay til 9:15 and not get home until 10 pm. It would be fine with me! But he thinks it's gonna be too hard on Jackie. I can't win for losing....:(

Congratulations Pam, I don't think it will be hard on Jackie, I think it will be hard on Jack. Sounds like perfect hours for you. Will give you the break you need. He is not making the decision here. You are.

Hi, Pam,

Christina has it right.
Jack is not wanting to do anything except try to block you.


I'm happy that you did well today. http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/happy/jump.gif
I would think that you feel successful.
Thanks for sharing with us.

M.

Thanks Christina and thank you too Mari, I think it's perfect hours for me too. It's like it's meant to be. The other job that was closer is already filled and I sent out another resume today to another one, but this is the job i really want. One site cafeteria, secured parking, internet cafe, tuition reimbursement, benefits and 22 paid days off a year. So exciting! I can't wait til Mother drops by tomorrow with some clothes for me she's no longer using, because this IS happening. I think Jackie will miss me but that's not going to last for long. I hope. :)

oh pammy this is just great!!!!!
wow...this is happening...I am so happy for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi:hug:

Thanks bizi! :hug: I am just so happy! Tonight though and this afternoon when I got home Jackie was pretty hard to deal with. I was gone for four hours and I expect he will be not so happy when I am not there to get him off the bus in the afternoon and not there cooking dinner or bathing him. But I should get home in time for kisses before bed I hope and if not then he'll see me in the morning the next day. It's just like a dream come true, I wish I had done this a long time ago. It's just as good as going to school because it's a field I am comfortable in. And it's paying NOW at a stable company with potential to lead me anywhere I could want to go. :D

I did my nails in celebration of a sucessful day! :D I wish I could get my hair cut in time it needs trimming but Jack said we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. He's still leery about this because of the hours, but I think it will be worth it. Even in spite of the cost of gas. :)

*Sigh* I can't take it, Jack and I were talking and he's brought up the point that Jackie will miss me too much for me to get home at ten pm. He's also said that Jackie would refuse to go to bed and would get up once I was home. It's just not going to work, so I am going to go tomorrow and thank them for the opportunity and say to hold my application and resume for if they need someone for first shift. Getting up at 5 am...Yeah I really wanna do that...*Sigh* Why didn't this get to work for me? I feel so stupid for even trying. I have been told that I am not using my head and that I need to put Jackie higher up my list of priorities...Needless to say I feel I did and this was just because someone doesn't want to cook or clean up after dinner. :(

I am so confused. I thought it was already in the dangerous realm for Jackie not to be placed. Also for his socialization, if you don't place him, I don't think you are doing him a favor and just are going to make it more difficult down the line for him to develop social skills. I am sorry for being so brunt.
It is a bad economy! If you found a job you like and if you get it, think hard.
I know all this is scary stuff and you are probably very ambivalent.
Bobby offering hugs

Pam I am sorry, please do not take offense at this but if the shoe were on the other foot would Jack have to stay home because Jackie would miss him too much? I highly doubt it. Stop letting Jack put this doubt in your head and manipulate you.

He does not want the responsibility to be on him. He cannot handle it. Get an aide, aren't you supposed to be getting one anyway? Tell him to go to work then, in the meantime you take that position and stop letting him manipulate you!!!!!!!

You can make this work for you. It is already working for you.

Quit listening to Jack. Jack wants everything to stay the same. He is afraid of change, of your being out of the house for any length of time, and afraid to deal with Jackie on his own.
Listen to yourself because you know what you want.

Jackie is very high on your list of priorities. That is one of the main reasons you went for this job -- so you can improve everyone's situation. Jackie needs to be placed.


Jackie will be fine as you take these steps.
M.

OMG will somebody drag her to that interview, I am trying to change her mind............

Does anyone live near her LOL???? If I had the money I would fly down.

(((((((pam))))))))

go to the interview. give it all you got. DO NOT say a word about possibly not excepting the position.

even if they offer you a job on the spot. kindly thank them for the opportunity, but you promised yourself you would think about any offer for 24 or 48 hours.

that will give you time to think. not be pressured by jack or anyone...not even yourself.

could you practise and go to your mom's during those "work" hours? see how everone does?

don't decide this right now. not a good thing when emotions run high.

:hug:

actually if you get offered the job, maybe at first you should live at your mother's the first few weeks....I am afraid Jack will get worse-note not jackie
Bobby

go to the interview and give it your best shot
 

Christina,
I wish I could go get her. She lives far away but I could manage it if she contacted me.
Do you think that that would help?
M.

Pam,
Listen to the wonderful people here with their wise words.
They are looking out for you.
Mari

I'm too upset to post right now, but I wanted to thank you all for your awesome support, I will try to do the right thing, but I am going to the interview tomorrow...Post more after dinner when Jack and I have another 'chat' about this. :(

Pam,
Thanks for checking in.
Everything is going to be all right.
Mari

Pam I just want you to know that I know how hard this is for you. I also know how badly you need this.

I don't care what you do just feel good about what you do.


I am here for you either way, all the way.

I am with the others here....
I think you are wonderful.
I want what is best for you right now.
It has been all about jack for years what about pammy for now?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi:hug:

I feel just awful, I just can't decide if I should take it and leave or not. Mom said I should take it if they offer 12, if they offer 9.5 leave it and forget it. She also said that I could come there too if all hell breaks loose here. And tonight it's been just awful. :(

I am glad....It sounds like your mom is being very supportive of you.
You are under a great amount of stress....maybe if you spent the night at your moms you would be able to sort thru stuff...or better yet how about the weekend?
bizi

I wish I could, that would set Jackie off for sure, I wish I was ballsy enough to walk in there and tell Jack no job no go, this kid goes group home....But it's just so hard. :(

you really have to be fair to Jackie and it sounds as if you can no longer give him the help he deserves and desperately needs. He needs a group setting from everything you have said and what professionals have told you. for Jackie's sake you need to rescue him out of the situation he is now in and tell you yourself you have done the best you could do. Don't get on your own case for not being able to handle him at this juncture. It isn't your fault.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
bizi:hug: