Support Groups
 

I am a huge believer in support groups...a good support group can keep you breathing after a suicide loss..unfortunately there are a lot of bad ones out there and it's been a pet peeve of mine to recommend them only to see the person devastated and running out the door.

Here is what the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention says...

http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?page_i...6C210657168295

:bump:
I think your great Alffe mom thanks for this tid bit! I wanted to bump it to the top :grouphug: Once you start to share with others that have or are dealing with the same issue you do become connected that is so very true...and it is why I call all of you my family :grouphug:
PEACE
BMW

Thank you Alffe:hug:

I have been spending a great deal of time on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website these past few weeks.
I am doing tons of research and reading anything I can get my hands on, I am searching for something... I don't yet know what it is! Or if I will ever find it.... but I am learning a great deal along the way.

Back to the AFSP, did you all know they have a walk?
http://www.outofthedarkness.org/
They are called "out of the darkness" They have overnight walks in a couple of cities, or smaller community walks. There are 2 walks right here in lil ol New Hampshire coming up this fall. I am trying to decide if I am ready yet to participate. If not this year than perhaps next year. What better way to honor my dad? :hug:

Also did you all know they also have a huge sections on Surving Suicide Loss?
http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseac...84379C813F8D93

In that section they have a section on Survivors of Suicide Day .. this year it will be held on Saturday, Nov. 22. I just registered to watch the program on my computer.

it is a great site :hug:

You keep seaching Nikki...it's part of the healing process. My sister wanted me to walk in last years Madison, Wi. out of darknesswalk but I'm just too old to walk that far. *grin I said I'd sponser her!!

There is a wonderful man who's son took his own life and he writes for the newsletter and is very active in organizing Madisons walk...I'll try to find the article...have collected so much "stuff" about suicide over the years that I have trouble locating it when I need it. :cool:

I finally found the article about Dennis Gates, who lost his son Justin to suicide but it's too long to post...and since it's old, I'm having trouble finding the link. Still trying. :o

this isn't the link but good "stuff" here.

http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseac...1B55D56C229A75

Still looking.......

Thank you Alffe :hug: I have been to these pages before... but I only read until I am overtaken. What I had never read before was the section on …Asking the Question Why? The cup analogy….. It clicked with me and I bookmarked it. Thanks :hug:

Nikki you are on a rollercoaster ride with your emotions...love, hate, anger, guilt. How I wish I could give you a real life hug because it "takes one, to know one".

My friend/neighbor is on the same ride...she just expects it to end a lot sooner then it's going to. Please remember that we are all here for you.

We care and we understand how hard it is. (and then throw in a husband with altzheimers, and the state of your physical health...well, you are remarkable.) :hug:

Thank you sweet sweet Alffe :hug: It IS a rollercoaster, and damn it... no one will stop the ride so I can get off :eek::p I think of your neighbor alot..
I think it is because her loss is fresh like mine, and I can't help but wonder how she is coping. Poor soul :hug: All of us.........so true ... it "takes one, to know one". :hug::hug:

You know, I was reading that cup analogy, and something just clicked with me. I have forgiven him, honest and truely. But, one can't help questioning why. He HAD survived melanoma, he HAD survived colon and stomach cancer.... he had survived 23 years in the military, been in two wars for Christ sakes!! WHAT could be so damn bad to make him end it all, and on that day... just 3 hours before he was to go to the doctors........WTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The Cup Analogy
There is a cup of water sitting on a table. It is so full, it is rounded at the top. One or two drops of water are added to the cup and it spills over. What caused the water to spill? We want to blame the last one or two drops, but in an empty cup it would not spill. It was not the water in the cup prior to the drops being added, because if left alone, it would not have spilled. It was a combination of all the drops of water in the cup that came before and the last one or two drops that caused the water to spill.

In a person's life, the water in the cup is symbolic of all the hurt, pain, shame, humiliation, and loss not dealt with along the way. The last couple of drops symbolize the "trigger events", "the last straw", the event or situation that preceded the final act of taking one's own life. Often we want to blame the trigger event, but this does not make sense to us. Like the water, these events all by them selves would not cause someone to end their life. It is the combination of everything in that person's life not dealt with and the last one or two things that caused our loved ones to lose hope.

Well there is light bulb moment! A big ol DUH! So obvious, yet! When in deep grief, sometimes you just can't see through the pain... to see it. I don't know how long this will satisfy me, but for today... it has helped. Again, thank you!!:hug:~Nikki

I've always loved the cup analogy because it makes so much sense. Take whatever helps, for however long it helps but expect that you'll be "on the floor again" and that's normal. Since I was already down there, I spent a lot of time on my knees...raging at the man upstairs...that's normal too.

It will get better Nikki and stay better for the most part but it's going to take a long time. I'm glad your reading everything you can get your hands on and I'm glad you're talking to us about what you are feeling. :grouphug:

If they had known what it was going to do to us....well, there it is again.
They didn't know...their depression overcame them. ~sigh

I love the cup analogy also...

sometimes, I think, I need a bucket...but even with a bucket, it will happen sooner or later just like the cup...only delaying it...

Nik, so glad you are on the road to forgive him...it's gotta be hard...

I am so very glad that you and Alpho and others are posting...

I am learning from your posts...your pain, your anguish, your lost..

and that helps me keep myself in check...

much love to you guys...

((Moi)) Your stuck with me, I can't stop talking about it.... I need to try to face it, so my own "cup" doesn't get over full. Any time you feel you need to be kept in check, you just come chat with me:hug::hug:

Alffe, I know you have been where I am now.... perhaps even worse.... so I WILL trust you and your words "It will get better Nikki and stay better for the most part but it's going to take a long time." I plan on being here a long time! So that may just work out :) :hug:

Imagin my suprise at learning that the moderator (whom I have spoken of here before) of our local support group is going to retire in March. I'm anxiously awaiting the survey that's going to be mailed to surviviors, inquiring if there's interest in even having a support group here. I can hardly wait to get my hands on that......hope really does spring eternal. ;)

Alffe mom :cool:
bump bump up :hug:

((((big hugs))))

So (((Alffe)))... have you given any more thought to being the next moderator??? Helping suicide survivors is your passion. :hug:

((((Alffe))))....anyone in a group of yours would be most blessed....I wish I could transport my friend and her children next to you....I am fumbling with how to help her because now I am so far away from her physically and all I do when I talk to her is cry with her...it makes me feel so helpless

Mist...*grin. The most important thing you can do for your friend is listen to her...listen with your heart which I know you do so well. I am amazed at how quickly people tire of the grief we survivors feel. Let her tell you over and over. "It" just spills out of my dear neighbor because her close friends have heard it once and think she should be getting over it. Her son killed himself in March...hardly time to be over it.

And Doody, no I don't want to run that group....I want to help run it. The Moderator should have a degree in Grief counseling IMHO...my only experience is as a survivor.

But I do thank you both. *grin

Now I have to go cut the grass...I can hear it growing!!

Thanks Alffe, I have been so wondering what to do...I will call her today...and I am off to make breakfast......

bumping up....

I am bumping this again because Addy wondered about the support group.

In preparation for our 1st meeting last month we tried our best to get businessess to put up a notice about our new support group. I wrote a piece in our local paper about the importance of TALKING about suicide...we made calls to suvivors who responded positively to the survey about wanting a new support group.

Everyone who responded to our calls, article, and posted notices was interested and glad that we were starting one. And not one of them came. There were only 3 of us at the first meeting...our Moderator, who is not a survivor but is a professional counselor, another survivor and myself.

Several survivors that I've tried to help called and said they would be there in spirit but they just couldn't talk about it (yet).

Some things just never change...I couldn't/wouldn't talk about Michael for 8 years. We continue to hope...it's early yet and other contacts tell me that it's slow when starting a new group.

Thanks for asking Addy. :hug:

I'm sure you were disappointed with the turnout but not surprised.

The good thing of all of this is that you heightened the awareness and even though people didn't show up... you helped them with your words.

Keep talking it up, as I know you will...

and take care of you! :hug:

Everyone who responded to our calls, article, and posted notices was interested and glad that we were starting one. And not one of them came. There were only 3 of us at the first meeting...our Moderator, who is not a survivor but is a professional counselor, another survivor and myself.

Alffe, I wonder how many times that you have helped me, and I have not told you so. Some people just cannot seek help by attending a "help group." This may be due to the inability to face their own reality, their need to keep all of it "private," the difficulty working through the stages of grief, their sense that their loss is somehow "tainted" because the loved-one died by suicide. I don't know. What I do know is that I have been able to survive by being a member of an online support group.

You help me in ways that I could never explain, but you have a very special way about yourself. Please, please just stay with us here because you give us strength, courage, and the love to keep on surviving.

Alffe:hug:, I love you,
from my *heart,
reyn

Well I'm going to bed with a smile on my face...thank you for the encouraging words. After being a part of this and the other online support forum for over 10 years, there is no way I could ever leave you. We all have a job to do and reyn and I both are living examples of how well support works...be it on line or in the flesh.

Hugs for the room/broom. I miss moi too. ~sigh :grouphug:

((Reyn)) I love it when you post, you are such a loving soul :hug: Thanks for hitting the send button :)

((Alffe)) I am glad you are not giving up. As you yourself know, it is hard to share such a devastating loss. I can talk here, where you can't see my body wracked in sobs, the tears streaming down my face..... I can take my time, write when I can, and only when I am strong enough.

I can't count the number of times I have driven to the SOS support group. I always intend to go in... yet I have never even made it to the door. If I do make it to the destination without turning around half way there, I sit in the parking lot unable to even open the door. I feel almost paralyzed by the thought of really sharing my grief face to face.... I can't explain it... it just is!

I think about all you have shown me and taught me. And I know without a doubt the hope you have given me! "Your still standing" ... you have shown me that I CAN survive.... and I can't thank you enough for being here:hug: When I first came here I didn't think I could make it, and in truth I didn't even want to. I shutter to think where I would be if I hadn't found all of you:grouphug:

Try not to get too discouraged. The NEED is great! I know I need to go, I just can't yet. But I and others are so grateful that when we are ready, we have people like you who are offering us a safe place to land.
Much love:hug:Nikki

Nikki
 

Ask someone to go with you. I have taken complete strangers and sat with them thru the first couple of meetings until they were comfortable going alone. Could your step mother do this...or maybe your sister...or ask that wonderful dr. of yours who could go with you...or your pastor.

I wouldn't expect that you could do this by yourself the first time.

My former neighbor emailed me that she had been unable to attend the grief support group because she's had so much company this summer...said she finally went, and while it was nice to see all the widows and widowers again...she got "nothing" out of it...no one talks about suicide and she still cannot. ~sigh

I am sending you the BEST little brochure on suicide that I have every read...you can carry it in your purse until you carry it in your heart.
Todays mail has already gone out but it will be in Mondays mail. :hug: