Big Cry-Baby
 

Sneaked out of church via the back door before the sermon this morning, and walked home sobbing. I knew this day was coming, and I thought I was ready. Obviously not.

Playing the organ has been tricky for quite a while, mostly because I can't find a way to sit that doesn't hurt and make my muscles spasm. I can't twist my foot to hit a couple of the foot pedals, and my stupid fingers either hit the wrong keys or don't hit them hard enough. But I've been managing.

This morning I realized that I'm not managing any more. I don't get anything out of the service because I'm toughing it out, teeth clenched, in pain. That's not worship. And I spend Sunday afternoon recovering.

I've played that organ for 31 years, and it's one of the great joys of my life. I'm telling myself all of the appropriate stuff: count the blessings you DO still have, be thankful for all the years you DID play, you have other ministries, blah blah blah.

It's just a little tough right now. God bless my husband who suggested that maybe once I'm retired and off the cement floor, I'll be up to playing the organ again. I don't know if he's right, but he made me feel better (plus rubbing my back while I sobbed).

Just needed to share my woes. Thanks for listening, my friends.

:circlelove: ((((((((((((((Blessings)))))))))))))))) :circlelove:

Listen to your HubbyBubble..:)

Dear B2Y,
 

I agree with your hubby. You can only do so much with this darn disease. It's not easy when you have to stop doing something you love. But remember, when you get to an easier and more restful point in your life, there's a good chance you'll be able to have the energy to do it again, God willing. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

It's okay for you to grieve, you know...it's sad when we can't do something we love any longer.

Yeah, I believe in making lemonade out of the lemons we've been given, but first I need to cry and grieve before I let go.

Isn't it nice that your DH comforts you so?

(((((Hugs))))) Take care!

Awww, B2Y, I'm so sorry. :hug: I know it was something you loved doing...and hubby's right - maybe you just need a break until you retire (not that far away, ya know). It might just make the job of actually getting to retirement easier for you. Then...once you have time during the week to relax and rest up you can be refreshed and ready to go on Sunday.

Everything happens for a reason - I know you probably don't want to hear things like that right now - but I fully believe that you need to listen to your body and not push things to the limit.

Nobody is saying you can't ever play the organ again. You just need to give yourself a break - and take the time to actually "go" to church again, and listen to the sermon without being in pain, and enjoy listening to someone else get the blessing of being able to play. :hug: :hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Let is out my friend! 31 years of playing the same organ every Sunday! My Gosh, girl you should be so darn proud of yourself!!! That is such an accomplishment in my book - after you get the sobbing out I hope you sit back and smile for what you have done!! Smile and know how happy you have made so many people each and every Sunday.

31 years B2U - be proud!!! I am, very proud and I would bet there are many more people just like me that feel the same way from the church and up above!!!! :hug:

and one more thing - remember your signature!

It's hard, i know.. I've had to give up so much that is is getting hard to recognize myself.

((((B2Y))))))

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Every one of you said something that comforted me, and inspired me. Here are the thoughts that came to me as I was reading your responses (a rough draft only):

Lemon Aid

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade:
Well, I’ve tried, but you should just taste what I’ve made!
It’s bitter and sour and nasty old stuff,
That I just cannot seem to make sweet enough.
I take those old lemons of heartache and pain,
And start in to squeeze them as hard as I can.
I then add some water and lots of fresh ice,
And sugar–one cup or two should suffice.
I taste, make a face, add more sugar, then test,
But now all I have is a thick, gooey mess.

When giving out lemons, life doesn’t loft
A nice piece of fruit that’s pleasant and soft;
The lemon you use to make lemonade
Comes at you hard, like a yellow grenade.
To soften that lemon, you first grieve and cry,
Then offer it up. As hard as you try,
You’ll never make lemons into lemonade
Unless you seek help; you could say “lemon aid”.
You can pound on those lemons day after day,
Put on a fake smile, say “Hey, it’s okay!
I’m fine! It’s all good! I can do this alone!”
And a pile of mashed lemons is left when you’re done.
Give God the lemons, the sorrows, the fears,
And He’ll make the lemonade with your tears.

That was a wonderful poem, B2Y. You are a lady of many talents (and also very wise). :)

Thank you for sharing the poem B2Y. Sorry you had such a rough day. :hug::hug:

:hug: Blessing:hug:, Sorry you had a rough day B2y, I know its hard sometimes to accept limits but in your case i think I would think of all those years you were able to play think about how much joy you brought to others by playing. :hug:

The poem was beautiful

:hug:

B2Y,

I'm so sorry you had a bad day. Sometimes we need to cry and that's ok and it is also healthy to get it out of your system.

Many years ago, I went to a wonderful psychologist with my son when he was having problems. I could not stop crying about my son and when I told the psychologist that it was scaring me, he said cry all you want, get it out and it will help you. It does help to have a good long cry sometimes.:)

Take care.

Hugs,
Becky:)

Sorry you had a rough day! EVeryone has had such wonderful things to say that all I have is :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

What a wonderful poem! And so true!

Glad you were able to be lifted by people's posts -- truly sorry I wasn't around to help.

Keep your chin up, B2Y. :hug: Like Yabbit, said, just cuz you're taking a break, doesn't mean you're finished at the organ. What a wonderful contribution you've made to the people in your church. I'll bet they'll be clamoring for your quick return!!! :smile:

thank you B2U - I love the poem! How are you doing tonight? Better I hope.

B2Y, sending hugs your way :hug::hug:.

I remember when my Mom had to give up either the piano or organ. I say either because my Dad was a preacher and sometimes the church that he was in had an organist or pianist and my Mom did the other. So about 5 years ago she had to give it up due to severe back problems. She now lives in a wonderful retirement community, not a nursing home-they all have their onw apartments. Anyway they have a baby grand piano where they have their devotionals. The first day Mom sat at that bench even people from the kitchen came out to listen. She definetely ins't what she used to be, probably one half, but to those people she is a master. Volunteering at a nursing home might be something you could do. they truly appreciate anything someone can come in and do.

So true, Doydie, about the nursing home. Nice that your Mom can still play.

When Mom was in an assisted care facility, I'd play the old tunes on the piano and those nice old ladies would sing along. Amazing how they can remember tunes and lyrics, even they have lost other abilities. They absolutely thought I was wonderful! A real ego-booster. Heck, I'd swagger outta there like I was Liberache!

My birthday is the same day as Liberace...two peas in a pod. :D

Yeahbut, I was doing FINE by the time you posted, because I'd already been asleep for about an hour! zzzzzzzzzz

I think I just have to go through the process. A "small" loss (compared to a death in the family or what have you) is a loss nevertheless, and I just want to find a healthy balance. I can't pretend it's no big deal, but I can't let it swallow me up, either.

So many good suggestions from you folks, and words of support. I really appreciate it. They say when God closes a door, He opens a window. Maybe I'll have to write a poem about THAT! :D

B2y, I totally understand.

sometimes I just have to SEE a piano, and it almost makes me cry.

I stopped playing in 2002.

because I could no longer control my fingers sufficiently to do justice to Chopin and Beethoven...

I'm just glad your hubby was there to rub your back and console your heart, that's a blessing.

:hug:

while I was typing I thought to myself "she is probably in bed by now but she will see it in the morning way before I am up!" :D

Sheesh, Kay, I never COULD do justice to Roll over Beethoven and Let's go Chopin! They are 2 of my favorites, too! ;)

Yes, Blessings, do write a poem about closed doors and God opening windows. That would be good. :hug:

I personally understand your grief on many, many levels, B2. You have stored up many treasures in heaven and none are forgotten.

It's okay to feel the pain when pieces of our lives get stripped away so brutally and for no apparent reason. But, we both know that there are no coincidences and you may well have a new mission before you know it. He isn't finished with you, He just said, "Well done, good and faithful servant," on this one.

Hi Blessings:

I feel bad for you. I too had to accept the fact that my feet couldn't find the right pedals on the organ and my left hand was not coping with technical pieces on the piano. I had to stop playing at church and at funerals and weddings about 15 years ago. I sold my piano and music. I can't manage an oboe or even a recorder anymore.

Since your problem is spasticity maybe the right meds will help. Serving as an organist is such an important part of worship for you and the congregation. I hope you can get back to it at some point.

Hey B2! Losing a part of who you are is hard to adjust to. I had to give up a job that I loved, b/c I simply couldn't cut the mustard anymore. I used to run circles around everyone and rode my bike for miles. But, I had to adjust and it took a while. *still working on it, in fact*

You can just feel so good about all the years of service to your church, congregation and Lord that you have given. I think it's awesome. I think we all know what it feels like to have to give up something that brings us joy. Glad your'e feeling better about things and you have an incredible talent~ don't worry about faltering once in a while.

Maybe it's just time for you to sit back and listen to the music, as in stop and smell the roses. Thinking of you.....

*dodging dm's lightening bolt*

That's a load of carp. I shared a room with her, she can cut the mustard with the best of 'em!

:OuttaHere: :eek:

such a smarty pants, Twink !!

;):winky:;)

I was talking about Chopin's etudes and nocturnes.

and Beethoven's sonatas... eg: Sonata No. 14 “Quasi una fantasia” in C sharp minor Op. 27 No. 2, “Moonlight Sonata”

:D:p:D

I played that one for a friend's wedding, and made people cry.

:hug:

when my fingering got so bad I couldn't even manage *baby* pieces like Fur Elise, I cried my little eyeballs out, and SOLD my beautiful upright grand piano (hand-carved rosewood front panels, an 1895 Briggs from Boston)

Owwwweeee, you SOLD your beautiful piano? :(

Yeah, I'm talking about the same Beethoven and Chopin you are -- am listening to them on YouTube as I write this.

I would loved to have heard you play Moonlight Sonata at your friend's wedding. It's not nearly so touching when I make people cry with my piano playing, Lol! :D


Blessings, you working on that poem yet?

yeah, it wouldn't fit in my suitcase.

;)

:D Twink, I'm working on it. It's therapeutic to write things down.

Okay, how about this:


DOORS AND WINDOWS


Bang!
My heart trembled for days
After the door slammed shut on my plans,
On my dreams, on the joy of my life.
I never saw it start to move,
Never imagined it wouldn’t stay open forever.
Just one day, bang!
I jiggled the doorknob,
Then leaned in with my shoulder
And pushed with all my strength,
Pushed until I was too sore to move,
But I couldn’t get it open again.

Once a day or once a week,
I try the door again,
Thinking maybe this time it will open.
I wish you’d take away the knob, Lord,
Pry off the moldings
Cover the hole with drywall
So it won’t be there to make me think
My life might be the way it was again.

Was it You that slammed the door on me,
Or did the winds of life just catch it,
And You chose to let it close?

Either way, here I am, Lord,
Anxiously groping around the dark walls of my world,
Trying to find that window.
You know what I mean, Lord,
The window they always say You’ll open
When You close a door.

I don’t see any windows in here yet,
Just blank smooth walls that feel the same
All the way around.
No light coming in,
No cool, fresh breeze.
No glimpse into a sunny new day.
Just walls.


I clenched my puny little fists
And punched away as hard as I could,
Determined to make my own windows
And open them myself.
My impatience only brought me dented walls,
Throbbing knuckles, and more fatigue.

Then I called a friend,
And she said, “Take a deep breath.
Close your eyes,
Unclench your fists,
And place your palms flat against the wall:
Feel the hope on the other side,
And wait.
The windows will open in God’s good time.”
I believe it.
And I’ll try.

Fine writing!
 

You have a fine writing talent!!!

Good job!!!

Niko:cool:

I love it, Blessings...Thanks so much..:) :hug:

OK I have a different take on this. It seems to me that there is no way you would have willingly given up playing the organ in church, right?

So, perhaps God has another calling for you and he had to wrestle you away from this one first. Instead of searching for the window, maybe you have to be quiet and still and listen for His voice to tell you what He is thinking.

That is the hard thing to do when you are grieving a loss. However, I believe He has something in mind for you.

Trust that your abilities are stronger than your disabilities - Maxene Kupperman-Guinals. I found this in the Momentum Magazine this week!

I think it will be my new motto.

B2Y, your abilities are much, much stronger than your disabilities and don't you ever forget it.

Wow, Blessings -- you should submit that to a magazine. You put all the frustration and hope in there so eloquently. (((Blessings2You)))

no advice, just hugs and a willing ear. :hug:

B2Y
I'm just getting here, and I can't add any more to the mix. Just wanted to say your poems are wonderful. Maybe a book is in your future. Be still and listen.

:hug:'s

BTU, I'm soooooo sorry for your loss and believe me, I know where you're coming from. I too played piano/organ for two different churches for around 20 years all together. Also directed the choirs, put together cantatas, special programs, etc. My piano here at home was my relaxation when the world was going crazy -- especially my three teenagers at the time -- when all of a sudden I couldn't sit on the bench anymore without holding onto something. Felt like I was going to fall off. Of course before that my hand/eye coordination was off and the pedals were out being my legs/feet no longer work. It really is such a blow even though you know it's coming.

Seems like God has revealed another talent for you in writing. Perhaps a memoir of your years playing would be an encouragement for others?? Your poems are wonderful!

After being in this "chair" for a few years now, I've come to realize this fickle disease keeps throwing more and more curve balls at us. Each thing we have to give up is another loss and it takes the grieving process all over again before accepting -- at least for me. But God is still in control and He will make a way, even though it might not be the way we had planned.

Sounds like you have a great hubby there to help and comfort. Mine has been gone since the year I was diagnosed with this lovely disease, but God does provide the strength to go on.

Prayers and hugs are coming your way......... :)