I think I am hypomanic
 

I hugged Ann goodbye even though she said it was against clinic policy. We laughed a lot..especially at my self destructiveness. I will miss her. She told me that most clients see Dr.M once a month or every other month and I see him every other week. I am looking foward to my new therapist Kathryn. She supposedly has a sense of humor. Also one of the fellows I was talking to who is a muscian and was shot seven times and got out of prison after 15 years last year and who is bipolar II and who just signed a 1 and half million record contract sees her and said she was wonderful. He seemed very complex and wouldn't put up with any sh@t.
My sleep is totally ridiculous. I am racing and have been too impatient to write. Too impatient to do anything except keep the tv on. My friend pushed too hard on the show and gave me too much pressure. In the end she told me not to go because she saw how upset I was getting. I was so happy I went. I WAS GLAD TO BE ALIVE....my friend John noted that was a rare feeling for me. Today she agreed with me that most plays weren't worth sitting through. At first she wondered if my email was true when I described how hearing Paulo Szot was a performance of a life time. I keep on going back to you tube to listen to that song.
It is nice to hear that you walk out of movies rather than punish yourself.
I hope your husband's burn is much better.
Bobby

poor Bizi
what a time you must have had. I don't get that way. I am bipolar II and never have been psychotic. I have more trouble sleeping and grow more restless and grow more tired. I don't have any patience and my mind races.
I can still be depressed. I smoke more and eat more. I grow more uncomfortable. I isolate even more because I don't have the patience to talk or listen much. Right now I might try to read because I can't seem to fall asleep. I already took two little naps and today I was exhausted. I get into a rut.
Bobby

Dear Bobby
Not sleeping is a killer. What do you think you could do about your current situation? What would you recommend if someone else was dealing with the same? You always give great encouragement and advice, you can figure out what needs to be done!
How are the kittys?
((((hugs)))
Bobi

hi bobby,
I remebered you were bipolar 2, I guess I just wanted to share with you what it is like for me.
also was saying that hypo mania doesn't neccessarily mean you are in trouble.
One can be very creative and functioning and hypo manic.
What do you want to do now/
The not sleeping is the worst.
Have you tried to get into a routine about bed time, good sleep hygiene?
all of the regular suggestions to improve your sleep.
when do you see your Dr. M again.
can't remeber if you have ever tried any of the atypicals to help you sleep?
seroquel or geodon or even ambien or lunesta?
I hope that you are feeling better soon.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I tried five different medications in the past to help me sleep and they didn't help. Part of the problem is I grow restless and bored and just can't lay down and listen to music and hopefully fall asleep. I don't want to drug myself up because that is so frustrating feeling drugged. I stopped listening to tv for a year and a half and just read. That didn't work. I think I stayed up even later. Now I am back to watching tv again and then taking a nap but then waking up in an hour or so and reading and feeling lousy in the morning.
I don't know what advice to give since I have tried so many things. It really destroys ones quality of life.
the kitty cats are fine.
Thank you for asking
Bobby
ps if I come up with anything, I will SHOUT IT!

That really stinks Bobby. I'm sorry. :(
Insomnia has got to be the worst thing in the world. When it comes to not sleeping there just isnt a work around or alternative for it. You don't sleep and its a domino affect in every other aspect of your life. I hate it too.

You say you are bored. Have you considered trying something totally new that you have an interest in but have never done? Maybe a craft that you could start working on and give as gifts for christmas? Maybe what you need is just a change in routine that wont add stress to you, or take a whole lot of effort. Is there an animal shelter close that you could spend the day at helping to feed or cuddle? Or is that something you would enjoy?

Maybe I'm totally off. (sorry if I am) I just know that the entirely same routine kills me after awhile. I have to throw something lowkey and new in the mix once in awhile to keep myself semi sane. :D

:hug:

I get bored or restless usually late at night and that is when I might start reading again. I also read during the day. I once tried volunteer work with dogs but that didn't work out. You had to clean your hands with an antiseptic and my hands really broke out. I also got really upset for the poor dogs stuck in the shelter. I wasn't a happy camper. I am also so tired during the day that it would be too stressful signing up for working with children and then worrying that I might not have gotten any sleep the night before. It is a vicious cycle.
Bobby

I am not agoraphobic(sp) but I also have trouble leaving my apartment. I was like this twenty years ago and then when I got my dogs I was forced to go out and broke out of it. I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch two weeks ago and cancelled. I told her I was too tired. I worry about going to my psychiatrist's and therapy sessions. I get lonely but then a lot of times when the housekeeper comes I can't wait until she leaves. Lately a lot of the time I don't feel like talking to anyone. I am just too tired and easily triggered.
I am a mess.
Bobby

I am sorry that you are feeling this way....
Have you ever had a sleep study done before?
yes I agree with bobi insomnia is the worst...
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I have never had a sleep study...I don't think it would help. When I finally get too exhausted I sleep
Bobby

I am still hardly sleeping at night. watching tv on the hurricane all day.
and reading at the same time. having lunch with close friend tomorrow and worried about being tired. hopefully she will do most of the talking. todday finally not eating as much...might just make hard boiled eggs later. I am so afraid I gained back most of the weight i had lost. I am so edgy I just want to eat and smoke.

I am going to try to not worry about not sleeping. I hardly slept last night. I will wait until exhaustion just hits me. I am afraid of missing appointments though. Still watching CNN and reading another book

That's good Bobby because what I found is the more I think about not sleeping, the worse it gets. Unfortunately our bodies are always thinking about it. :hug:

I told my doctor this morning I will just wait until I collapse. He offered to give me some drugs but I said they hadn't worked in the past. He told me to stop taking prozac for a few days.
I am just trying to take five minutes at a time now. I almost forgot to make another appointment with him when we went to the main waiting room. He reminded me and I said Overtired lol
Bobby

So he thinks it isthe prozac.
It will take many days to get that out of your system.
bizi

I don't think he thinks it is the prozac but he felt the prozac wasn't helping me. He suggested my going off of it for a few days only to see if I could be less hyper. He suggested seroquel, ambien, and zyprexa. I told him i already tried seroquel before for the same problem and it didn't work and it made me feel drugged and ambien didn't work and I said I didn't want to get fatter by going on zyprexa. Finallly he said to go off of prozac for a few days.
Bobby
ps glad to read your house was safe and especially your kitties.

sleep soon
 

Dear Bobby,

Maybe his suggestion will help. I hope it does.
Good luck with sleep.
Mari

the night before and during the day I got at least five hours of sleep. Then the depression started to come back. I decided not to skip the prozac.

I am really worried about money and in a mixed mood. I am afraid to make any decisions. In my life, the active decisions I made never seemed to work out and the things I had no control over seemed to work out a lot more. right now I have no confidence and feel paralysed.
A friend is coming over tonite and I have no idea what we are going to talk about.
bobby

maybe you could just let go of the night and just talk about what ever...maybe this friend could help you decide on some htings that you are mulling over...sometimes it is good to have someone else give you advise.
I don't know.....
bizi

Kent is less practically than I am lol but he has never rocked the boat so maybe he is very practical. I am feeling a little better which was easy. Maria is here, my cleaning woman. She is so sweet and works so hard. She appears to have a lot of inner strength. I just seem to buckle under responsibility.
It really is strange that whenever I have tried my hardest it has never worked out and when I let go things work out usually.

time for a vaction
 

Dear Bobby,
I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts.
I hope you get some "vacation" from some of this stuff soon.

Mari

thanks Mari
I had a nice time with Kent. He brought me beautiful flowers, wine and we ordered in. I told him all my fears. He told me I was blessed. He even left aspirin for me. I told him my doctor told me I should take an aspirin a day but hadn't been.
I don't seem to have any goals which is frustrating. I don't have any energy but I feel I have pent up energy. It is so confusing. This morning I was so very down.

I am so glad that you had a nice time with kent.
He sounds like a good friend!
You deserve to have nice people in your life.
You are a nice woman!:Girl(angel-flying):
bizi

thank you so much Bizi. Kent is a really good friend. I have known him for years. I used to work at the same place he still works at. I saw him some years before but stopped. Then I started seeing him again about a year and a half ago.

I slept last night except for waking up at three am. The weather was cool and I didn't need the air conditioner. I took a late bath. I woke up at six thirty which is late for me.
Bobby

that is fantastic to hear bobby!
bizi

I have a lot of real problems going on now and don't think they will get better. All and all considerating those, I am doing better than I thought I would. I am looking forward to tomorrow when I see my new therapist.

I am sorry that you are dealing with such stress...
hugs to you today.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Bobby,
I hope that it goes well with the therapist.
M.

thanks Mari
this morning I have been playing games with myself and worrying big time about my future and trying to imagine what horrors it will bring. I am already so isolated and out of shape. I started telling myself five minutes at a time and reminded myself that I am in better shape mentally than I have been in the past. I even reminded myself what better shape my apartment is in now that I have helpers and new furniture. I don't know how long I can afford to stay in my apartment but I better keep on remind myself to enjoy it while I have it.
Bobby

I am getting healthier...I made a decision and acted on it and feel some relief. today I have to go downtown but not near the world trade but close enough. I feel a lot of empathy for the people who were burned to death

trigger




because I was in an explosion and badly burned and know what burn pain is. I hope most died of smoke inhalation and did not have to go through the torture of being burned alive. It is very haunting to me.
Bobby

That must have been awful for you.:(
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thursday was a hard day to be out and about in Manhattan I imagine.
I hope that you are ok.
M.

there wasn't much traffic. I was amazed. I guess everybody was worried about traffic. I got to my session forty five minutes early. The people on the bus acted normal. You couldn't tell it was different from any other day.
I really like my new therapist. We talked a lot about my childhood. Boy was it bad. She kept on looking for a period of time that went well for me and we couldn't find one. lol...We also talked about finances and that was a disaster too. It was good talking about these issues that have been upsetting me so much. It got rid of some tension.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
It is hard to build on a childhood if there are no good periods. Wow.
It seems that the therapist has the right approach for you.
M.

wow bobby,
I am so glad that you liked her and connected with her.
this is great work!
and I know that it is also very hard work to go thru all of that.....
be especially nice to yourself while you go thru this therapy...ok?
(((((HUGS)))):hug:
bizi

thanks so much...i can't believe it myself. I am thinking of maybe seeing her three times a month and seeing Dr. M. once a month, I like her that much. I will wait a while and see. I love her style....she seems like such a good and caring and sharp person who is very intuitive. I don' feel as if I have to entertain her. I guess I should give her one huge compliment about her style and wonder why I haven't so far. That is unlike me. I come from such a dysfunctional family, my bipolar hasn't shone through yet except when I told her I was severely depressed when there were weren't money issues.
Bobby

i feel as if i am on an emotional roller coaster....my sleeping patterns are outrageous. I have been getting more sleep even though i have been getting up in the middle of the night and staying up for a few hours. I think I am sort of on a high even though i am depressed about the elections and upset about the aftermath of the hurricane. I think i can give up smoking soon. I hope i don't come down. I was there for so very long
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
The stupid hurricane got to me.
The elections are getting to me too. I need a way to shut them out of my head. I wish that we could all just go vote now and get the whole thing over with. Sometimes I don't even care who wins -- just so long as it stops.
M.