My Ex Keeps Messing with My Head and I Hate it!
 

Ok, a couple of you know about this, but I decided to share to get some insight. Most of you know my husband divorced me back in June...just left a note and he was gone....not the first time I might add but this time for good. Since June he has called me nonstop, said he wants to get back together on 3 different occasions and then changed his mind at the last minute.

He still calls me daily sometimes multiple times a day, says he loves me and the kids,misses us, wants to be part of our lives yada yada, but doesn't want to get back together. I have mantained a friendly contact with him, after all he does pay child support and alimony on time...puts extra money in my account now and then, pays my cell phone bill etc.

My daughter who is 3 has been really traumatized by the divorce and now he is talking about visiting next month and taking her to stay at his parents for a week, I think this is a bad idea because she is EXTREMELY clingy to me since the divorce, she does not know his family at all and hasn't seen him since May...but I can't prevent it either, I can only encourage him to do what is right for her. I want him to stay here locally and let her come home at night. he has never taken the role of primary caregiver for her even when we were together.

Anyway, again today he had some good news at work so he had to immediately call me to tell me about it, he calls when he has a bad day...when he needs advice etc. I would be lying if I said I did not still love him, many of you know how I struggled with this in my faith. But I also feel that this current way things are is making me crazy, I have horrible mood swings, cry, get depressed, basically feel like I am on a rollercoaster I cannot get off of. I want to maintain a civil relationship but this is driving me batty!

Any advice??

BTW..I have discussed this with him and asked what he expects our relationship to be, what he wants from me,does he enjoy messing with my head? He says no,he doesn't expect anything,doesn't know what he wants etc.

He needs to KNOW what he wants. His going back and forth promotes constant upheaval and instability. My parents did that for a while when I was young, things were always changing. Sometimes Dad would be home, other times he's moved out and moved on. Having no sense of stability was scarier to me than when my parents finally decided to divorce. At least with the divorce, eventually things were worked out and everyone knew where everyone stood. I know you mentioned he'd left before, but that this time he led you to believe it was for good. Apparently not as he is trying to get back in. Oh Renee, I can't imagine what this is doing to your health, mentally and physically! And your 3 year old, I just think she may become more and more clingy and want to hide away from everyone else because you are the only constant in her life. With her Daddy being so in and out of your lives, maybe she's afraid to go anywhere with him for fear he could abandon her with grandparents she doesn't know and away from her Daddy AND her Mommy. I know I'm rambling Renee, I just wish there was an easy answer for you. I know you're probably going through he77! I'll be thinking of you Nae Nae.:hug:

Thats what I keep telling him, the kids nor I need the constant crud. That is exactly why Olivia is so clingy, if I leave for half an hour she is afraid I won't come back like her daddy did. Today I left for a job interview and she fell and skinned her knee while I was gone and now she refuses to walk, she says her leg is broke!

Renee have you thought of contacting a local Salvation Army and see if they have counseling, to help with the damage he is doing to you. they work on slide scale meaning u pay a percentage of what your income is, which would work for you, you have to be able to release this or he will have you in ulcers in no time, I know you love him and i understand the vows and all I was there did that and got burned a few times, right now is you and kids time, he needs to respect this and learn to deal with his own ups and downs and stop dragging you down with him, hang in there Renee, I agree he can visit and stay in the state you are in and visit, screw this taking a 3 yr old who is already confused home to his parents and mess with her mind more, and god forbid what if he takes off with her, not like it hasnt happened with others in this world :hug::hug: hang in there Renee :hug::hug:

Set the boundaries and stick to them, come hell or high water.

Tell him that Olivia will NOT be going ANYWHERE for an entire week. He and his parents can come stay in town and visit on a schedule.

Caller I.D. Tell him that you are willing to speak with him once per week. Set the day and stick to it. Do not engage yourself in his business, simply remain silent and let him do all the talking until the matter directly concerns the welfare of the children.

Give him three days a week when he can call to talk to the kids for 10 minutes, not to you.

Renee, from all you've gone through with all of this, my considered opinion is that you can love him all you want, but you can do that without involving yourself in his life.

It's harsh, but you've given him WAY more opportunity than any man deserves and he doesn't sound adult enough to live like an adult. Move on, sister.

Awwwww, sweet little dear child. You can't leave her with a broken leg, can you..:(

DDH, needs to grow up and be a big boy now...:mad:

Renee, so sorry you are going through this. In some ways it sounds to me that he actually does know what he wants -- very simply, for HIS needs to be met. Even just evidenced by wanting (and expecting?) you to be there when he needs a sounding board in good times and bad. From what you've written it seems to me that he's approaching all of this in a very self-centered manner. I don't know if he's a reasonable man or not but if he's willing to listen, it sounds like it's time for him to hear what YOU need (I agree with the boundaries) and what your kids need. Time to stop thinking about only himself -- and if he really does love you and your kids, hopefully he'll understand. :hug:

my advice AMN gave you already....you must set your own boundarys depending on what YOU want and need for YOU and YOUR CHILD...hun....

Dont discuss with him what he wants....what kind of relationship he wants or expects...dont talk to him about messing with your head...cause then he is in control..and that is what he wants..hun...

please for your sake..do what AMN said...set your boundarys and stick by that....if he then keeps calling...dont answer

the week thing, I think, you may have the right not to allow that..as long as allowing regular visiting in your area....hugsss and good luck, sarah

(you need for your health well being...to do this....otherwise he is messing with your head too much...hugsss)

Hey Nae~ I have been following your "ordeal" throughout the Insights thread and I really feel bad for all he has put you and your children through. I agree that you are giving him way too many priviledges for a divorced couple.

He wanted the divorce and cannot keep dragging your emotions all over the place. You can only handle so much. Your'e right, the children come first and you, as Mommy, know what is best.
I'd tell him to have his parents visit Olivia in your town and I really think HE should get some counseling.

Hang in there R~ It's hard to tell someone to stop loving another person, but he is showing a clear pattern that is unhealthy for you and the children. You are far more stronger than you give yourself credit for and I'm really proud of you.

Sending you hugs and please know that we care about you here.

Kiss Olivia's boo boo for me. She's such a sweet lil girl having to go through grown up problems. Take care of YOU!!!!

Definitely what AMN laid out with boundaries is an awesome plan! It's at least a starting point, it may seem harsh at first, but in the beginning you'll need to be. He needs to see you are strong all on your own and that you're going to stand by what is best for you and your kids. Oh honey, just wish I could give you big hugs!!:hug::hug::hug::hug:

I talked to him a little while ago...he called. I told him look you wanted the divorce you cannot keep calling me. As for the visitation he can legally take her for the week his parents do live in the state just 2 hours away but I cannot tell you the number of times they have had social services at their house regarding their other grandchild...this I am not comfortable with, after all what if they come in and take all of the kids in the house and Olivia is there? I have told him he is being completely selfish and I could give a dman if he thinks about my feelings or not but that he needs to respect the feelings and emotional well being of the kids!

Frank- I have a counselor whom I have known since I was a child myself and he is a Godsend!

Why do you continue to take his calls? So what if he pays child support and alimony. He should. That doesn't give him free reign on your emotional welfare....not to mention the kids.

I agree with Cindy - you make the rules. And stick to them. He can only do to you what you allow him to.

I truly do sympathize with you Renee. What he's done is so immature - and the way he's acting now is simply unforgivable. If he's not seeing a counselor he desperately needs to.

I'm praying for you and the kids. :hug:

(((Renee))) I am sorry you have to go through this. I have been where you are plus he was stalking me at home, out with friends, at work. I was getting calls from him at all hours of the night and I did set the boundries. He was to call only to talk to the girls. That was it.
After several employees saw him outside my work as well as times we had all gone out, they told me about it. When the flowers came, my boss (bless his heart) gave me the name of a lawyer friend of his. This lawyer sent the ex a letter delineating the boundaries the ex was to follow. This stopped him for a bit but then it got bad again. I had to trace phone numbers as the police requested and ultimately it was found he was not only calling me from work (this was pre-caller ID days) but that he was having others call as well. It was creepy.

Finally, the lawyer just explained that putting distance between us would be best. (Long story). So I packed up the girls, gave away all of my stuff and condo and moved 100 miles away.

Did it stop? Not really, at least for a while. So when I got the suicide note that he wrote to the kids, I did not allow him any visitation with the kids until my lawyer, the kids dr, and myself got a letter from his psychiatrist stating he was stable enough to visit with the kids. He did not like this at all but ever since then everything stopped.

So, definitely start setting boundaries. If he calls and starts talking about himself, tell him that at this point you will only discuss issues with the kids.

As for Olivia, counseling can really help her out. Additionally, the counselor can make recommendations regarding his visit and where she should stay and how long. The lawyer may need to be involved on that one but based on his unpredictability and mental state right now, they may request that Olivia spend the night with you.

Hang in there, sweetie. It will all work out and we are here to support you.:hug:

Well, you know what my advice is since I just talked to you last night and today. It's not worth your sanity sister. :hug:

I'm so sorry to hear you are still having to deal w/ such a selfish man.

I agree w/ what the others have said. You need to decide the boundaries and then make him stick to them.

What do you REALLY want and need for you and your child? What is best for you? It was his decision to forsake his vows, not you. Now he must deal with it!

I'm so sorry hon. But you continue to be strong. :hug:

yes I agree with Cindy too, Daisey that was well said she is a lot stronger than she gives credit too, but being a sole parent for a long time. I also know whats its like to have doubts of oneself, sometimes when you get pushed down so far its hard to see what your true self is, Renee DM was right though you are a strong person and a loving caring parent, set the ground rules like
AMN said you are in control never forget that:hug:

He's a manipulative man playing with your emotions...playing with what residual love that he knows he can manipulate...

and he is manipulating that left over love that you have left for him and confusing you with it...

on top of that, you feel unloved, unwanted, and self-unassured...cause he left you...

and it makes you ask yourself, why doesn't he love you...why...HE, doesn't love YOU...

and then you start to doubt yourself, you start to doubt your own self-worth...

he plays those tricks on you..makes you feel bad about yourself thus he is able to call you cause he knows that you are alone, lonely, and even though logically, you know that he is playing tricks with you...you just can't help it cause you just want to hear his voice...

maybe hoping to hear some sort of "love" in his voice...

cause you want to be loved...by someone that you have spent a big chunk of your life for...and it makes you feel like you've wasted those times..and that those times were YOUR investments and that you just don't want to lose your investments...

and that causes you more confusion cause you might think that there IS some sort of love there...but is there?? Is there ENOUGH love there??

ask yourself all the questions you already know the answers to....

is he there to help you take care of you, your children?

Is he there to hold you in the middle of the night while you cry and tire?

No...he is just calling you, to bug you, cause he wants to know that he is king stud and that he can come back to you whenever he wants to, cause he can manipulate you...and he is just throwing you enough of a carrot...dangling it infront of you, to make you THINK that he cares...and that he CARES about his children...maybe he cares about his children...I can't say that he doesn't...

but does he care about you? What are the facts....where are his actions?? Look at it all...

Love yourself, Nae, love yourself like NO ONE could...that is one of the best ways to get out of his control...realizing how much your self worth is...

folks here may have said things you might not want to hear, but those are golden words...and that means they truly care about you...

and sometimes, truth hurts...

love yourself...get out of his shadow...

((((BIG HUGS))))

Hi Renee,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You've already received great advice that I can't really add anything to, but wanted to say take care of yourself and your baby :hug:

I do agree that HE needs counseling!

This really comes down to what works/doesn't work for you and your daughter.

My ex and I are best friends, even now. We both recognized that the marriage could not go on, but as friends we have always gotten along really well.

I still love him, and he still loves me, it's just not the same "marriage" kind of love. If he needs something, I'd be there in a minute . . . and vice-versa. I know not everyone could handle such an arrangement, but it works for us.

It's going to take time to sort this out . . .

Cherie

I agree, agree, agree with everything WM said. Very true.

:hug:

I left an abusive manipulative ex a long time ago. it more about boundaries for yourself, and your children. He MUST pay child support, and his other obligations. Dont allow him to use HIS responsibilites as YOUR swinging door. PLEASE dont allow his lack of planing to become your emergency. As for visits with grandparents TWO hours away in a home wallpapered with social services reports, um NO! He can come stay in a local motel, and visit everyday for a week. He can crash on the couch and plan a week's worth of stuff, but until the children become more stabilized in this whole upheaval, tell him you are NOT letting them out of YOUR comfort zone. YES he has been fair with money, but that doesnt make it OK for him to be UNfair with you.

I think you have received some great advice. :hug:

I don't know about your situation but I do agree with a lot of things that have been said. Boundaries are important. Setting them and keeping them.

Glad you have a counselor. It seems like you need to talk to him more about this and how you can be strong to set boundaries. The other question I would have is your ex's behavior--it borders on abusive from what I've just read. Abuse is about control and he's trying to control and manipulate you. So is this an abusive relationship or one where he just can't let go and truly doesn't know what he wants, a product of confusion rather than abusive behavior? Only you and your counselor can determine that as you know your ex. But if it IS abusive, then by all means seek the advice of a woman's shelter on how best to proceed--for your safety and your child's.

Hang in there. Continue to be strong. This situation is tough and it's no wonder that Olivia is clingy. Divorce is rough on everyone.

:hug:

you have gotten lots of good advice Renee. He is abusing you but you
know that already.

Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way for you and your little ones.

Thanks everyone for the advice, I talked to him when he called again at bedtime and told him to quit calling me that he could call for the kids but that was it. While I agree that his constant mental anguish he causes me is abuse I do want to make it clear that myself and kids are not nor have ever been in danger he would never be physically abusive in fact he has a pathological avoidance of confrontation, thus why he leaves notes or emails or phone calls to deal with negative situations.

I think moi (my secret asian man) LOL- has a point while I DO love myself, it has been hard especially living with my parents where I have no support...all my mother does is yell at me and knock me down further (its always been that way) thats why I moved out so young...to get away from the negativity, she truly DOES mentally abuse me and always has, but she also totally and completely does not give a darn that I have MS in fact most of the time she says things like well what did you use as an excuse before you had MS? My ex however was always very supportive in that regard, so on days when I feel like poop and hear nothing but what a big lazy arsed faker I am from my mom it is easy to talk to him and let him be sympathetic.

My counselor is aware of course of all of these things and we are working on it the biggest step is just getting a job right now and moving out on my own again....I will be to exhausted and in pain to want to talk to anyone! LOL

hey little sister... I find singing to be good therapy...

so, start singing along with me, loud and clear:

Baby, you come knocking on my front door
Same old line you used to use before
I said yeah...well...
What am I supposed to do?
I didn't know what I was getting into


So you had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demon down
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around

(Stevie Nicks & Tom Petty)

What AMN says!!

As Oprah or Dr. Phil or somebody said, the past predicts the future.

You love him, but you've read that book. Things don't change.

LOL silly sister Kay u know I love to sing with you and that is one of my fav songs! Hey I've just had an idea, I'm gonna load up my i-pod with that type of song and listen to it all day!!! Look out Nancy Sinatra!

Just want you to know I'm thinking about you!:hug:

...and while you are adding songs to your ipod, add I will survive...cause you certainly will!!

It sounds like your ex needs to grow up, along with your mother...I think we lived the same life, only my ex was more abusive in nature. But you will find your strength and you will be a force to be reckoned with, yes you will!!!

Renee, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this carp. James Dobson has an excellent book, "Love Must Be Tough", which deals with this kind of situation. IT IS OK for you to step away from him. IT IS OK for you to focus on yourself and your kids.

And what's with your mom? How horrible! She sounds like SHE needs counseling! Some people seem to need to knock others down in order to build themselves up.

What kind of job are you looking for? Let me know what you need and I'll have DH keep his ear to the ground for openings. And don't forget, you can count on us to sympathize. You don't have to get that from your ex.

Lots of hugs going your way!

Just sending prayers that this time will pass and you will find your voice to do what is best for all of you. I think you know what it is you need to do....its getting to the point of doing it. You have some great advice already so I just wanted to add some hugs. :hug:

I also like to fiddle around a bit with the lyrics:

these boots are made for kickin'
and that's just what they'll do...

one of these days these boots'll
kick you out... of... my... heart... TOO !!

dum diddy dum diddy dum dum dum...

are ya ready boots?

:D

sing it, sistah !!


this one about makes me cry:

D. I. V. O. R. C. E.

Our little boy is four years old
And he’s quite a little man
So we spell out the words
We don’t want him to understand
Like t-o-y, or maybe s-u-r-p-r-i-s-e
But the words we’re hiding from him now
Tears the heart right out of me

Our d-i-v-o-r-c-e becomes final today
Me and little j-o-e will be going away
I love you both and this will be
Pure h-e-double-l for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this d-i-v-o-r-c-e

Watch him smile
He thinks it’s Christmas
Or his fifth birthday
And he thinks c-u-s-t-o-d-y
Spells fun, or play
I spell out all the hurtin’ words
And I turn my head when I speak
Cause I can’t spell away this hurt
That’s dripping down my cheek

(Dolly Parton)

:grouphug:

well, time will spell away the hurt, girl.... I promise!

Nappy was totally right.

don't listen to DDH's problems, don't give him a shoulder to whine on.

let him be lonely, and let him grow up.

and seriously, don't allow Olivia go for a week!

she's not nearly old enough to deal with that, especially after all she's been through.

visitation rights are just for weekends and holidays at her age...

Hey Renee, in the slighty rearranged words of a certain politition, "YES YOU CAN!"

Set boundries and stick with them no matter what. As for taking Olivia, if I were in your shoes, no way would I allow him unsupervised visits with his parents or by himself.

You may think he is not a danger and would never do harm, but the news reports are littered with stories of how a divorce situation turned tragic in regards to the children. From what I've read of your saga, his mental state is not stable, and thus I believe you should not trust him to take Olivia out of a controlled environment.

As for your Mom, how sad she cannot be supportive in a healthy way. It will be good when you can move out to be on your own again. Hang in there and be careful of what you allow him in privileges.

Carolyn:hug:

Renee - I wish I had some encouraging words here but I don't. They only thing I can say is that I have been there and we some how made it through. Your life is mine 5 years ago last month. Hang in there and keep talking to your friends. :hug:

I'm so sorry about your situation Renee:hug:

I too went through a divorce when my oldest son was just a baby! I know its hard on us and we are the adults but the children....It's just not fair.

I agree with the other posters. There has to be boundaries, He can't just waltz in and out as he pleases. It's a disruption and its not fair for you or your kids.

Take care of yourself. Stress is not good for us!