hippiechick...
 

welcome to the SOS forum...

there are tons of wonderful folks here that will listen to you...

I am not sure what to say cause you've been thrown a death sentence and I can understand about wanting control of some sorts...

I can't tell you what to do or what not to do because of your unique situation...

all I can do is offer you ((((HUGS)))) and to offer you a couple of eyes to listen to...

please keep talking to us, K?

just want to add your post to here in case folks were wondering. Nice to meet you and I hope by talking here, your pain can ease somewhat...

hippiechick's post

who moi


THANKS FOR THE ABOVE LINK

hippiechick...

i don't know you, and you don't know me

but at this precise moment in time i sincerely would like to put my arms around you and give you one hell of a big hug:hug::hug:

Dont give up on life just yet ...........we have a lot to talk about:hug:

for the last 2 years ive been on medication for BI-POLAR dissorder and have not cried since[prior to meds cried at the drop of a hat]

i read your post today and cried, and cried and cried:hug:

David

:hug:Hippiechick :hug:

Welcome to our SOS family:hug: I am so very sorry for the deep
pain you are in, physical and emotional.

We wont judge you here, you are safe to express what you feel.
But, I hope you will allow us to support you.... and try to give
you reasons to hang on. Many of our loved ones took their lives..
we will forever grieve... it is a hurt worse than any other....

I can not begin to imagine the pain you are in. That being the case,
the best I can do is try to reach out to you...the only way I know how
to be able to do that, is to share with you......

I suffer with horrific pain, but it is not terminal. There were many times
over the years I wish it was. I too often thought of taking my life. I am
not ashamed of that. My disease use to be penned the suicide disease.
I am still in great pain, but suicide is no longer an option for me...
Let me tell you why.......

My Dad took his life on March 14th 2008. That fateful day, my world
was forever changed. My Dad beat cancer twice. But, when he got the
same cancer his brother died from... he kept it to himself... then took his life.
I would have given anything, anything! to have been there for my Dad.
There is nothing in this world that could have hurt me worse than finding
out my Dad killed himself... that he didn't even give me the chance to say
goodbye. To me, there is no worse pain. NOW, knowing the pain, the hell
left behind for the family to face... I could no longer take my life....
I could not hurt my family, as I am hurting now....

You say you have family... I am sure you love them greatly. Just as I
am sure they do you. It is perhaps not fair of me to use the guilt "card"
this way. But, for your family, for those who love you.. I feel I must.
Suicide is not a legacy you want to leave your family. There are those
here who lost their loved one many many years ago, they still suffer
greatly. Surely life, even filled with pain, is better than no life at all?

I do not say this lightly. My husband is terminal. He is dying. I hate to
see him suffer, but I know that each day he is blessed with, he is
thankful for. I AM thankful for. We treasure each moment we are given...
me being in daily horrific pain... and him dying. Life is ALWAYS a gift.

I do hope you will come back often. We have just "met" but I truly do
care about what happens to you. If you want to talk, come here..
we will listen. PM me, or email me @ sadie1of7@hotmail.com
You are not alone, we will hold your hand... and try to help any
way we can. My thoughts and prayers are with you :hug: Nikki

Hippiechick

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=be0j4PbrQOI

one.......................we get to carry each other:hug:
David

To quote a very wise person.............

"".....I believe that there's always something that can be done.
And don't we have to keep our beliefs/trust/hopes/faith up in
order to keep on going????"

Hippiechick, YOU wrote that in another post.

Please… please…. Don’t give up your

Beliefs

Trust

Hopes

Faith

Hold on to them tight. Hold onto US tight.
We will do everything we can to help you.

When we lost our Dad, I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital.
The pain was so great, it took all my will and the love of my family …
to stop me from going to be with my Dad. It is ALL I wanted.

My brothers and sisters , they helped me so much. They came up with a sign
for me….. When it got to be too much, when I didn’t think I could survive..
All I was to do, was reach out my hand…. and they promised they would be there.

This symbolism means a great deal to me…. from my heart to yours….

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l...dalstock-1.jpg

Hippiechick
 

Dear Hippiechick Don't give up. Keep posting. God is right there with you. I hear your despair,and pain. God's strengthening,helping,and upholding you now. I'm saying a prayer for you.:smileypray: We care about you.:hug: BF

hippiechick
 

Sweet hippiechick I hope you will allow the folks here to help you get through...I can't say that I know exactly how you feel but I have been in that space where life just does not seem like it is worth living. I have made three serious suicide attempts and yet here I am. Right now I can say that I am glad I am here. I could not always say that and I know that I may face that beast again. Life is precious even when death is known to be 'down the road' When my father was dying I cherished every moment I had with him knowing that I would not have him for long. I would imagine that your family feels the same way. Please let someone help you cope. It helps to talk about how you feel or write about it. You can feel safe here. About a month ago I talked with a dear friend of mine whose ex commited suicide and their 12 year old son was the one who found him. I know this is strong but it is true the family suffers so much pain and guilt when a family member commits suicide. It was a good/bad experience for me because I had to experience first hand her pain and that of her children. I am very close to them. I am praying for you as well.:hug:

Hippiechick
 

I find myself coming back in the hopes that you have posted Hippiechick…..
You haven’t come back yet, so I am going to ramble some more….
perhaps something one of us says to you.. will help give you strength.

My heart truly does go out to you, I can’t imagine the hell you must be in…
But, I know this… You said your family would be better off without you.
My Dad I am sure, had similar thoughts. But, I ASSURE you, not one of us
left behind feels this way. Every single day, I still long for just one more day……..

I know you are hurting. One of the things that helped me hang on was
coming here. I found a safe place to share. I also wasn’t going to let suicide
be glorified in my thinking any more. It was one of the hardest things I ever
did, but I admitted I needed help, and went to my doctor. I still get down,
who wouldn’t? But it isn’t consuming me anymore. I can see and experience
the joy .. even with the pain. Not pushing, but perhaps medication could
help with these feelings for you too.

I was thinking, my husband is getting help through agencies, I wonder if you
could as well. Perhaps it might help you not feel so alone during the day
when your husband has to work. Plus it wouldn’t be a bad idea having
someone with you for those times when you do pass out.

I know it sounds so trite in all that you are facing….but the old adage comes
to mind, live like you were dying. None of our futures are guaranteed, hold
onto hope! Try to enjoy all the things you do still have in your life...
This is what keeps me positive, while facing losing my husband..
Keep trying to find a doctor who is compassionate and willing to help you in your
journey. Keep coming here, let us help you find the strength to fight
:hug::hug:

hi hipchick...

hope you'll come back and check back in with us. You're one of us now and when we don't hear from you, we worry...

((((HUGS))))

btw, some of us, well, moi, LOL can get a little rowdy around here sometimes, don't let that bug you...we always support eachother with a little humor here and there...but always get serious when we need to get down to business...will be thinking of you...

Bumping up for Hippiechick :hug:

(((Hippiechick))) I hope that you found sweet Nik-key's link for you in the post at the top of the forums.

And I hope you come back and check with us.

A lot of times words just seem to have little impact on that horrible depression we feel...the thoughts that it would be better if we just weren't alive.

But I also do hope you see here that this group of people do care deeply. If nothing else, can you come back and talk? Or PM? Or go to chat with someone?

We get worried when someone pops in and doesn't return. Just like grandmas, moms, etc., we can be a bunch of worry warts when we don't hear from you.

Love and peace to you. :hug:

Hello hippiechick and everyone else. This thread just jumped out at me and after reading it, I too, wept! You are an amazing bunch of people who even going through your own pain, reach out to help others.

Please hippiechick~ listen to the wonderfully kind, wise words in the posts here. People really DO care and are here to listen.

Thanks everyone for letting me butt in.... and Nik~ your post was so touching.

May the good Lord smile down on each and every one of you.

Hippiechick, I find myself thinking of you often.........
As ((Doody)) said we tend to worry. I know I am concerned
about you:hug: You don't have to talk if you don't want to.
But we are always here if you ever do. There is never any
pressure here. Just a hand to hold onto. Keeping you in my
thoughts and prayers :hug: Nikki

hi hipchick,

you even got DM to butt in...that's an amazing feet...I mean, feat...

just kidding...

and our special Nik is posting away her beautiful uplifting thoughts for you

and doody and Dmack and brokenfriend and mistiis and many others are here to listen...

there are many legs here that will help walk with you...no one will judge you...

hope you are able to come back and talk to us again soon...no pressure, of course....

just thinking about you..

((((HUGS))))

Thank all of you for caring about me so much. I was very upset when I wrote last week. Things are pretty much the same but, after being told to "get over it", I'm trying to "act normal" right now. Whatever that is... Yes, I do know what suicide does to a family; my grandfather committed suicide when I was a child and I always believed it was my fault. (my mom's dad) And, when my mother died I was a young teenager and I was told that that was my fault. It was a tremendous amount of guilt to bear. Even though I'm not certain that it was my fault, I still hear the words in my mind....funny how some things you just never forget and some things you can't remember for anything! Wait a second.......are you hearing the violins yet??????? I try to block all of this out but there are times when it just all comes rushing back.....especially when I've been really sick and had to deal with the docs and the news has been particularly discouraging and I couldn't walk a straight line for anything and I'm passing out so often, etc. It's just, well, I don't know the exact word that I would use for it at this time, but it would be something spectacular!!!!!!!!!!! So, yes, dying is constantly here with me in one way or another.....because I know that it's coming soon and I've heard from SO many docs lately the very graphic and detailed description of what will happen and some of it has already begun. And I am just a bit ambivalent.......I'd rather be able to do something while I am able to - rather than wait until my body is totally shot and I am not able to do anything for myself because I know that no one would help me to do anything then. It's just a lot to think about. Sorry for running on. So, anyway, thanks so much - again - to ALL of you. And HUGE, HUGE hugs to everyone.

hi
 

:hug: I am so glad you came in. I'm sure it was not easy. You do truly face a nightmare. I won't pretend otherwise. If I were in your shoes I imagine that I may be feeling the same way. I don't have any magic words, or magic potions, or a magic pill. And I wish I could make it all go away. I guess that is not an option. There are people here who are a lot smarter than me and may know how to help you to better deal with the issues that are bound to come up day to day. But I can listen and offer a :hug: I can be a friend. I'm sorry that I am not where you are. Please feel free to send me a pm anytime you want. The people here are so caring. They have gotten me through some really tough times. They make me smile and cry, and want to be alive for as long as I can. I am sorry you took on those guilt feelings as a child. Children are so very sensitive. They pick up things that we are not even aware of. And I don't see anything wrong with feeling sorry for yourself either. I would be feeling pretty darn sorry for myself too. I just hope that I can help in some way. I wish I could make your burden a little lighter. There has to be a way. There are ways.......maybe we can all work on it together...:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug ::hug::hug::grouphug:

HI Hippiechick...

Well, I can almost be certain that those feelings of wanting to die are a result of the stress and trauma of knowing the physical demon you are battling seems to be winning :hug: ... it must be so hard...

and nothing I can imagine ...

I can only feel sadness that your life has come to this point...

It is you who I can learn so much from... so I thank you....

...

for being in my life...

:hug:

Hippiechick:hug::hug:

I am delighted to see you have come back, I hope you will continue
to do so. This forum family is wonderful! We can't change your illness
but we can offer support, compassion, love and strength to help see
you through. Post when and if you are up to it. I look forward to getting
to know you better. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers :hug:

Please check in, HC.....we care

...Just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your family....maybe you wouldn't mind just posting a smiley to let us know how you are........

hi hippiechick...

you are very brave...

I wish that there IS a magic wand that I can wave over you and make it all better...

I hope you will keep on posting to us and let us walk with you...let us walk with you through this part of your journey so you won't feel so alone at least...

((((BIG HUGS))))

(((Hippiechick))) I like that. I'm an older than dirt hippie chick. :winky:

Thank you so much for coming back and I hope you continue. It's true, there are so many loving people here and maybe people who have walked in your shoes. You may just find that. For sure, you will find people who really do care.

Yes, it's times like this that I wish that this community was actually a community we all llived near so we could be there for each other physically as well as emotionally.

But, we are all out here somewhere! I'm in Iowa, and I imagine you are in the United States so....maybe we aren't so far apart.

I'm so sorry for what's happened to you in the past. I can't imagine anyone blaming you for another's death. That's awful! And to not have anyone understand and tell you to buck up. Well... :p to them.

Please don't be a stranger. We'd love to get to know you more and you us. :hug:

:hug: {{{{{{{{hippiechick}}}}}}}}}}.....hoping you can find the strength to get you through....just want you to know that you are thought about and prayed for

You're not alone HippieChick...we are here for you..you can vent, scream, cry...we'll listen with our hearts and hold you up with our love. :grouphug:

{{{{{{{{Hippiechick}}}}}}}}........just want you to know we don't forget about people we care about....please drop in and let us know how you are doing:hug:

Hello again...things are pretty much the same but I think I'm trying to see it all from a different angle; it helps somewhat. And it helps a LOT to know that I'm not alone and that you're all out there. Yes, I know that my husband cares but I don't talk to him about the disease or any of the things from the past; I learned many, many years ago to keep all of that to myself. I've never talked to ANYONE about any of it. Not sure why...it just didn't seem to be right to share it with anyone. I've never talked about my mom dying and that was in 1973 - think it might be time to say something???? It's kind of like the song of Paul Simon's, "I Am a Rock"..."a rock feels no pain and an island never cries...." that would pretty much describe me! I do keep checking in to read and re-read the things that all of you've said to me because it has helped so much just to know that I do have you in my corner. I'm in the hospital right now but when I go home, I will try and catch up on things with all of you. The docs finally got me right - they told me I wouldn't be able to swallow and, true to form, they were right. I was most afraid of that and some of their other "predictions".....I really don't know that I have the fight that I need for all of this right now, but I will try. I have a tremendous infection and can't seem to fight it off at this point. Fentanyl and all the magic can't knock the pain so hopefully they can come up with something new - I'm tired of fighting "symptoms" - I want a CURE!!!!!!! I think God must be laughing at the "I wants".....ha! Thanks for everything.

Hi hippiechick,
:hug: I am so very happy to know that you are fighting. You have a lot on your plate to say the least. I don't know if I would have what you have. You are very brave, even if you don't feel like you are. I think that expressing what you feel will really help. Yes, I love that song by Paul Simon too. Yeah, going back. Use to listen to it all the time as a teen. I don't talk much either. But I am finding that communication is important. I am praying that you will get over the infection. I really would like to get to know you better. I don't know about magical cures, for the most part, they don't exist. But I do believe that there can be a kind of magic in what people share, and how they can help each other through hard, really hard times and difficult situations. Sometimes its hard to accept help from another and expressing those feelings that we have kept to ourselves forever can be even harder. I know my friends here will help you lots. I will be gone next week as my hubby and I want to spend time together before we make cancer treatment decisions. I love you,:hug:... and you will be in my prayers everyday. Hang in there!

((hippiechick))
 

((Hippiechick)) I am so glad to see you are posting!
You keep fighting the fight, we are here to support you:hug:
Keep coming, posting, reading our replies and KNOW we truly
do care. I use to like that song when I was a rebel teen...
now... it makes me sad. Losing my Dad, opned me up a great
deal. I share things I never could have before. A rock.. an island...
Nahhhh I will take a room full of love instead :)

I hope the doctors are able to find something to clear your
infection and reduce your pain. Keeping you in my thoughts
and prayers :hug: Nikki

This is my husband Lynn's all time favorite comic-
we have had it on our frig for well over 15 years!
it seems fitting :hug:.....


http://i339.photobucket.com/albums/n...er-give-up.jpg

hi hip chick,

I am so glad you keep on coming back to talk to us...

I've had to think for a bit before I wanted to reply to you...cause you have made me think deep...

first of all, I can tell that you've put others before your own feelings...by not sharing, you are sheltering others from your pain and you feel that if you don't talk about it, they won't feel your pain.

second of all, there's nothing wrong with the "I wants' you want right now...

right now you have EVERY right to ask for the "I wants" and raising your hands a bit and feel whatever it is that you are feeling....

I am not a religious person...but when folks tell me that they believe in God, I believe in God for them...deeply...because we ALL need to believe in something...

when they ask me to pray, I pray deeply with them because I believe in them...

life's dealt you a hand that I don't have the right words for...

and it isn't fair...

I think when we are with someone that we love, and that we know they care back, we actually want to shield or shelter them from the "bad" cause we just love and care about them so much...

I think maybe your husband DO want to hear and listen to your pain...and I wonder if he just doesn't know what to do....

one of my wife's bosses passed away back in May...we became really good friends with her husband...

one of the things he's said to us that have really left an imprint was how he just didn't know what to do cause his wife just didn't wanted to talk about it.

He said that he wished it was ANYTHING, even a scream or something...but she just didn't wanted to talk...so, he just let her be...they both knew it was coming...

he just wished there were more dialogue

I am not saying this is what you should do or need to do, this IS your life and you have every right to choose what you want to do....but I am just thinking, maybe he does want to be involved, in that vulnerable side...to let you know that you can depend on him as well....

and I wish in every being of my bone that they find a cure for you...and for all that are suffering....there are a lot of folks that come here or lurk here that are going through uncurable illnesses or illnesses that will rob them of their lives...

your posting, your talking about it, your openess will help SOMEONE...SOMEONE out there will sit there infront of their screen and clutch on to their mouse and you will open a door for them...

you've opened my eyes, that's for sure....

these are awesome folks....and you are now one of them....

hope you get to go home soon...

((((BIG HUGS))))

Hi , everyone....yea!...I'm home again. I think that, once those docs get a person in that darn hospital they just don't want to let you out! Anyway, I'm back and "on the mend", for what that's worth. I'm so glad that I found all of you; actually it was quite by accident....if you can believe that. You've all been so great, though, and it's been very nice to be just accepted so readily. I do feel better about most things - I think just feeling that I have something in common with you all. I know that my friends and family can't relate to me on any level as far as my real life....thoughts and feelings...go. But, for those who know what pain is - whatever kind of pain it is that we deal with, it's a completely different story. While I am truly sorry that ANY of us have to experience the pain side of it, I am SO, SO thankful for you - my new family. It just goes to show that family doesn't always have to be blood. I was adopted as a teenager and I'm extremely close to my adoptive family; there will always be that bond between us. I couldn't love them anymore if they were my natural family. And, no, they aren't the ones who've turned against me....that's the natural family.....but, at any rate, I DO feel that I've found people on this site that I can form that bond with. It's really helped me so much and I can never thank you enough. I wonder if any of us know how lucky/blessed we really are to have found each other????? BIG HUGS AND MUCH LOVE!!!!!!!!!

(((Hippiechick))) How wonderful to see you again. Sorry I didn't catch this sooner! I was dealing with my dad being in the hospital, my own pain from falling, and the death of a very dear cousin who was more like a brother to me. So, I've been here and there and didn't see you!

Sometimes people just drop outta sight for whatever reason and I understand.

I'm just so pleased to see you post again. I remember when I first started looking at forums and didn't even, at the time, have a clue how to join in. A lot of the time I would post something and then forget where it was I had gone! :o But, this place stuck because the people are so wonderful. You'll find this everywhere you go in NT.

I hate that you're having these problems and the sickness and pain sure gets old doesn't it? I am glad that you have a family that you are close to.

You can include us in that family now but wait!...think you already did.

Rest up and treat yourself well. Baby yourself with things you love. :hug:

:hug:

i'm so glad to see you back

I am so glad that you are home and "sounding" better, HC.

Please continue to keep us in your "loop" and feel safe to come here and say what can't be easily said face to face to those who have not walked in your shoes.

We are listening...we care....

((hippiechick)) Your post lifted me up. I am glad to "hear" a more up
beat tone to your post. Welcome to the family:hug: Some of the most
powerful words I have ever heard are.. you are not alone. I know how
that feels, and am so happy you have found your way here. We are all
about support and caring. Keep coming, we will be here for you:hug: